The Price of Dreams

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m going back to Ohio tomorrow. Just for the weekend.

Honestly, I’ve been counting down until this day for the last five weeks now.

I just need to see my family. See how my mom is doing. For those who may be new to the blog, she had a stroke about ten months ago, and only in the last two months have I moved back to my life in NYC after spending 8 months at home in Ohio, being her sidekick in her recovery.

Since coming back, I’ve never really been so aware of how time alters things. My friend group has completely changed, with people going off in all different directions. People have coupled off, moved to different boroughs of NYC, found other friends…eight months is a long time. A lot of life can happen.

And I’m going to be really honest…I’ve spent many nights falling asleep, asking myself, “What am I chasing here?”

I mean, my two best friends are here – which is frankly the biggest draw – and I’m pursuing an acting career, but I think about the life I’m giving up back in Ohio with my family, and it quite literally keeps me up at night.

I’ve got my mom, who, though she is strong and doing great in her recovery…I want to be there for her. She’s navigating life with a new set of wings, and I want to be there to support my best friend. I want to be there to support my father who is the rock of our family. I’ve got my bother and his wife who are going to be adopting soon. I’ve got my other brother and his wife and their darling children who are growing up and starting preschool and playing soccer. And all of these things, I’m missing. And it kills me inside.

Ohio and I have a difficult history. The shadow of my past anorexia darkens my existence there. I feel as though I walk around with a scarlet letter on my chest.

That’s why NYC has been so good for me. For almost six years now, I’ve been building a life – free from all the stigma and pain that I carry around in Ohio. I’ve carved out a life here with people I care about, and who care about and accept me.

But I keep finding myself asking, “Is it worth it?” Is the price I’m willing to pay for this life worth giving up a life with my family?

To be completely honest, I’ve avoided making any decision, instead, just letting time pass, being in limbo. But as it turns out, when it comes to time, a non-decision is still a decision. And I’m learning that pretty quickly here.


I think there’s also a part of me that feels that by leaving NYC, I’ve failed. That I’ve abandoned my dream. Accepted a life of mediocracy and “settled.” Life in the fast lane is over, time to get a run down apartment behind a dated fast food joint and have to exist in a world that has a permanent odor of burnt frying oil and greasy hamburger meat.

OK, maybe I’m being a little melodramatic, but honestly, the lights in my apartment are dim, I’ve got the candles and the spa music going, so I’m feeling that ~mood~ right now.


I think I need to turn on the lights, bust out a little High School Musical dance party, and snap out of it.


This weekend will tell me a lot. It will be really interesting to see how my heart feels to be back there.

And in the meantime, pray for guidance. Ask to be nudged in the direction I’m supposed to go. Who knows, maybe this unrest in my heart is that nudge, but I’m too stubborn to accept it. Maybe that’s what I really should be praying about.

Ugh. Life is weird.

Question: How do you sort out which path in life you’re supposed to take? How do you make important life decisions?

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

360 thoughts on “The Price of Dreams”

  1. I pray for an answer, and start thanking God for that answer until it happens, or until what He wants to happen, happens. hahaha It’s the best I’ve got for you because when I just say ok I’m doing this or that, without doing the above process, then it turns into a huge mess. I also have to make sure to “listen” and “look” for everything. The Lord can crack you over the head with something, those times it’s easy to see the answer 😉 Sometimes it’s a gentle nudging, that frankly I might not want to hear 😉 soooo I don’t hear it, or I give it the old, “Lord is that You?” If you know what I mean. I’ve gotten better but I still fall into that mode, here and there. I’m praying God shows you, clearly, what He wants you to do. God Bless you 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  2. The balance is to find & make your dreams of who you want to be where you want to be. Sometimes our reticence stems from uncertainty within us? About what we really want? If you really want to act, NYC is a good place to be. Your parents & fam & friends who love you want to see you be all you can be – so be free to be!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve lived on the west coast, east coast, sun, sand, rain, earthquakes, and now back in Ohio. Dayton. But my wife and I have a place. There aren’t as many nice places to go to eat, there isn’t as much to do – perhaps – but its home. And to call it that, when we could be in Australia, well, I guess that’s something. To us, home is what you make of it. Good people are everywhere, when you look, and happiness isn’t a place, its a state of mind – whether driven by ambition, love, family, and friends. Don’t regret decisions, don’t second guess then, and just don’t be afraid to make them.

    Cheers, and all the best.

    S.

    Liked by 4 people

    2. It’s true bigred. Home is where you hang your pictures. I’m from Ohio and well (grew up in Cincy and the last 13 years in Mansfield area). Yeah you don’t see the sun as much as where I reside presently (KC) but it’s home.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I think you’re right – you need to pay attention to how you feel when you’re there this weekend and then compare it to how you feel when you’re in NYC. Sometimes being an adult and having to make these decisions sucks!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I will offer this wee bit o’verbiage here. I think God gives us a deep sense of Peace when we’re going down the right path. The problem is for us, sometimes it’s not a matter of this is right, or this is wrong – these are both good decisions. In the world in which I’m immersed work wise I struggle with staying because eating, and having a roof over my head are important. The thought of not being in this work begins to give me the “ugly cry” right from the gut. So picking up my feet and taking steps to move forward seems the best course of action.
    I will say that from reading your posts I really thought you’d make that move a while ago. It’s not settling, or giving up on your dreams it’s honoring where God is calling you here, and now. Perhaps there’s more Life and Healing there.
    You have my prayers Caralyn. ❤

    teri

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Question: How do you sort out which path in life you’re supposed to take? How do you make important life decisions?

    Pray and ask God to open the doors he wants me to go through and give me peace about my decision. Sometimes God sends us into areas to confront our fears and learn to trust him. Overall, it is where you heart is. If life in NYC is existing and home has opportunity maybe depends on your goals. NYC is not the only place for aspiring actors.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. For what it’s worth, I left my dreams behind in Japan to move back to America and be closer to my family. In the end, I had to move to a different city to find work anyway. My birth family still isn’t a replacement for having a family of my own, nor are they interested in being that. And I still need to figure out what to do with my life, which is harder now that I’ve crossed my first choice off the list. Looking back, I wonder if I was too harsh on myself. God gives us a desire to do the things He created us to do. Don’t be afraid to go where your dreams take you–it’s meant to be an adventure! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I pray for God to “make a way.” I just started a new job this week, and I’ve been praying for it (to get out of my old job), for a long time. There were some obstacles involved with taking the position, but I prayed to God that if He wanted me to have the job, and if that’s where I was suppose to be, that he would make a way for the details to work out. And He did. I think you can be equally content, even thrive, whether you’re in Ohio or NYC. If He wants you to be in Ohio (or NYC) He will make a way. Pray for opportunities and then lay it at His feet. Let Him do the work. From what I can tell, you’re a different woman than that scared girl that you once left in Ohio. You carry that strength with you no matter where you are. NY and Ohio are just locations, they aren’t “who you are.” Maybe God put space between you and NY for a reason. Just my two cents. Blessings!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I hope and will be praying that God gives you clarity, and hope the answer will somehow ease your unrest my dear friend, you’re awesome ❤️🔥🙌🏽😀

    Liked by 2 people

  14. The quiet voice is always the one I listen too. It is usually the Voice of Truth. Distractions from what matters is loud; that loud voice makes us feel like choosing what is important is failure when really it is what life is about. It looks like youve done some pretty remarkable things; doesnt look like failure to me and I bet not to that quiet voice either. Good luck in your decision and enjoy your weekend!

    Liked by 3 people

  15. Looks like you’re beginning to listen. I believe that our deepest feelings are the language of Gods. Those inklings that grow…the questions that keep repeating until we DO…the melting sensation of “Yes” that fills our hearts…this may be a whole new chapter. After all, the goal of life is fulfillement and evolution, yes? Enjoy yourself love, and be easy with the process. The journey will let you know. Excited to see your move.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I usualy do the first thing I think about. I trust my “sixth” sence and if I feel uncomfortable with somethinf or the idea of something, I don’t do it.
    Hope it helps

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I think we all go through this – questioning what we are doing and why. Some of us multiple times through our lives. Age sorta has done that for me – through the different phases of life I’ve had to readjust and straighten my path. It’s painful at times. I have 5 kids, have moved 44 times and am only 33. I’m starting full time school to finish my degree (finally!) and have a plan to own my own business by age 40.
    Hope you find your answers (but part of me thinks you already know part of it in your heart). ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  19. I am reading about Henry David Thoreau and his attempt at literary success in NYC and failed in 13 months returned to Concord, where he was considered the town oddball. He embraced his inner weirdo and contemplated and wrote about life on Walden he did not see the fruits of his love in his lifetime. We are enjoying the fruit of your Spirit-filled life through sharing it here with us. I feel you know what the right thing to do is. Thank you Caralyn, we all have doubt and are not sure. I just need to keep moving in the direction of helping others, living for God and I will be blessed

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I try to pray with several people when I am at a major crossroad. The group can sometimes hear for me from God when I am too caught up in my own thoughts. Quakers call this a “Meeting for Clearness,” and when I have participated in them, I am always amazed that God really does speak with one voice.

    Liked by 3 people

  22. Sometimes our dreams are for a season. They don’t always last for a lifetime. My advice is to not be so hard on yourself. If you do go back home, that’s not giving up, you’re just moving forward in a different way than you thought. And maybe (I’m just thinking out loud) maybe you need to reconcile with your past. Have you forgiven yourself? That’s just a question, not a judgment. But yes pray, and what do your two friends think? Blessings to you.

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  24. I am so pleased to see so many great responses for you here. I especially “liked” Elizabeth’s recommendation of a clearness committee. You are such a spiritual person I know God’s Spirit is speaking with you and looking for the opening to make it clear what God wants for you. God may be fine with Ohio or New York as long as you claim something deeper in your true self — the self that God calls you to be. As a spiritual director myself it seems kind of self=promoting to suggest you might look for a spiritual director to help guide you in listening for God in this –but I guess I’ll just be self promoting then. I have made so many wonderful changes in my life, opening more and more to God’s will as I have walked with a spiritual director the past three years. I call myself an “executive coach for the soul” when I try to describe spiritual directors for those who are unfamiliar with the process. It’s a person who will listen to you and listen through you to help hear what God might be saying. There are probably some wonderful directors in NYC or Ohio — you can look at http://www.sdiworld.org for more information and for a worldwide search for directors. And my website has information too http://www.letthespiritin.com. I do spiritual direction online for people from anywhere, but to say that probably does cross the boundary of self-promotion. I will pray for your discernment and am certain from the little bit I know from your blog that the Spirit is at work in you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. yeah i liked the clearness committee too! 🙂 thanks for this great advice and encouragement. it really means a lot. i look forward to checking out those great resources! thank you for your prayers x Hugs and love xox

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  25. I’m reading a book at the moment, and I came across some good advice about feeling that sense of unrest. Feeling restless, or that something is missing, is God trying to tell you something. So my advice would be to tap into that uncomfy feeling, and listen out for what God might be trying to whisper to you. 😀
    Incidently, the book is Resisting Happiness by Matthew Kelly, and I recommend reading it!
    Have a nice day, Caralyn! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I believe the most important thing to remember when chasing a dream, is knowing that once you have accomplished your dream, there will still be more to come. Change is inevitable, and finds everybody regardless of what an individual is going through. Being in New York City from Ohio, that is major kudos–especially, being able to live in a big city for the six years that you have. It takes a strong person to do what you did just in leaving home, regardless of the past flaws that you left behind–you left them behind for a reason. I send much prayers towards your Mother’s recovery. As for your dream, stay focused, take chances, and be fearless and keep doing what your doing. It’s inspiring to people like me in little old Indiana. Kudos and best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  29. I wish I had an answer that went beyond the “obvious” aka prayer. (And prayer is a good thing, as is seeking wise advice, which is also what I do). The funny thing is, I’m facing a similar decision in that I’ve decided I AM moving back to the good old Buckeye state—back home and for the immediate future back in my old house. And while I feel peace that this is the right decision for this season, I’m afraid of settling, of feeling suffocated by the small town atmosphere that sometimes hits a little TOO hard after living on your own in a bigger city. I definitely empathize, because this stage is a tough one to be in. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  30. I’ve started to comment on this, like 5 times already, and the words aren’t coming to me in such a great way tonight. I mention it often on my own blog, but I don’t actually see eye-to-eye with God, but having followed your blog for so long, I know your relationship with Him is paramount.

    So, when asking yourself and praying what you think He wants for you, I would maybe pose it slightly differently – What path takes you to where you are doing the most good for others? Your entire blog speaking about your struggles, your book, your entire message is geared towards being an example for other people? Is your vocation as an actress focused the same way?

    The bottom line, and I think you know it, deep down, is that you have to be in the place where you can do the most good. And the stories you’ve mentioned about your family, indicates that they would support that decision, regardless of where it takes you.

    Liked by 2 people

  31. Which life is better for Caralynn? That’s the bottom line, I think. And only you can answer that. What does NYC offer, and what does Ohio offer and how does that impact who God wants you to be? Peace, dear.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. I completely understand. Right now I am contemplating a potential career change and I’m not sure if the Lord wants me to stay where I am, or go find a different job. I understand that he’s not saying, “No, child, don’t move,” but I kind of get the feeling that He’s gauging my trust for His provision with my employment. It’s almost like He’s waiting for me to get tired enough if my circumstances to change them and then trust that He has a better plan than I do. That might not make much sense 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Question: How do you sort out which path in life you’re supposed to take? How do you make important life decisions?
    you don’t. As for the first part…follow your gut. It may not know the right move but it knows the wrong one. As for the second part…you make important life decisions based on your situation at that time, but focused on the right reason and all of the available wisdom at your disposal. And don’t think that your history has planted a scarlet letter on you, they won’t get lower than your smile

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  34. Man! What a writer you are. The only thing i could chime in is this.
    No matter what….being who you are trumps being where you are.
    Add to that this one thing I’ve learned: God does speak to us circumstantilly. I’ve read your blogs and finally “met You from the YT vids you did a year ago and conclude you are about as well balanced person I’ve ever known. Go with your gut. You’ll shine forth WHEREVER you are. That much I promise you.
    Have and will continue to pray for you.

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  36. When I have to make a major decision, I pray about it, get quiet and focused on God and listen. He speaks and helps with the decision. Caralyn, you have major unrest due to being torn about what decision to make. Sometimes, just taking the time to quiet yourself and listen will help you make the right decision. The right decision will come to you. Don’t rush and listen.

    Liked by 3 people

  37. How do I make important life decisions? Not very well, might I say…lol

    On a serious note, I have literally been guilt tripped into talking to my parish priest. Have you considered making an appointment and seeing if he can offer some advice?

    What if you, simply, asked your mom what she thought? Or your dad? Or your brothers? Your friends in NYC? Sometimes, the people we know best are also the people who know us best and their insight is powerful – almost like God’s voice at times.

    Liked by 1 person

  39. I am 61 years old now and I’m still searching for guidance. I had my dreams and in my own strength I pushed relentlessly for that fulfillment in direct conflict for perhaps what was best for others. I have had miraculous interaction with God, our Lord Jesus Christ but still I moved forward with my own plans and dreams even though they were not necessarily dreams to glorify the Kingdom of God. Jesus did intercede and made it all good for the Glory of the Kingdom of God despite me and I have been drawn closer to Him. Despite the pain of the lessons, I have learned and matured a little more. Now when faced with conflict about a dream or question as to what path to take, I ask, is this for me or for Your glory. I pray that I be shown the heart of Jesus who gave His life and shed His blood to pay for my sins, past, present and future. I pray to have revelation about what is in my heart that needs to change – those things inside that are so hard to face but need to change if I am to have the same heart and love as Jesus has. He has never not answered me and answered me more abundantly than I would have expected. The answer often does not come immediately but it does come. I try to live not to please mankind but to please my God and my Savior Jesus Christ. That new attitude has been the most life changing. I had to make a decision about whether or not to walk out of 30 year marriage when it was not financially feasible and risk the hurt of two sons just entering young adulthood with serious maturity issues. I prayed and considered the matter for nine months— in deep turmoil over the decision every day. My emotions hindered my ability to hear the Lord’s answer. Gradually, I looked at the situation more objectively and made the decision to leave the marriage home but not file for divorce. Once I made the choice, doors that previously were closed were opened and new paths opened up and with in a very short time frame, I was out of that house and established in a new home. From there the journey has continued beyond anything I ever could have predicted. My advice is pray, ask for guidance, listen for the answer and ask yourself are you living to please man or God? Are your uncertainties rooted in love or fear? Good luck and thank you for the blog and for allowing me to comment. God Bless you! I will pray for you to have the guidance and strength you need.

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  42. Usually when I am in the life mode of “do I” or “don’t I,” I DON’T! The reason for this is, because God will never ever bring us into confusion. These are the moments in my life that I “stay still and know God is God.”

    The one thing you do not want to do is to do something in haste. It seems to me from reading this, you have good things and bad things in both places.

    What you need to realize is, no matter where you are at, it is never going to be that “perfect life” we all desire so badly. No matter where we live in life, it is never going to bring us total satisfaction. This is because “life” is going to hit us wherever we are.

    We move, and create new memories, good and bad. We move, we leave some behind but meet others. We move again and we still leave others behind. It is the same situation, just in different places.

    I think your Mom’s situation is pulling on you more than anything. If I were you, I would discuss this with her, and get her view points on it. Ask her and your Dad, “How much do you really need me?” “Do you feel I have abandoned you?”

    Do your siblings live close to her? If so while you are there, give them 100% break, along with your Dad. Be the total caregiver for your Mom. Sometimes all they need is a break.

    You know my Mom was sick for many years. I had to give up a lot of my life during those years. In fact I had no life outside of Mom, Dad, and Church. I was taking care of Mom, at times Daddy when he became ill, their home, my home, and the nursing home.

    Yesterday we went to her grave to place her fall flowers on it, as I always change her flowers for the change in seasons. When I go there, I always have peace that I did the very best I could do for her.

    So your main thing is, whatever you do, make sure you will never have regrets, be it NYC or Ohio. Let God and that be your deciding point. Hug your Mom for me. Love you and God Bless, SR

    Liked by 1 person

  43. I think you have the answers already, you just need to be in a quiet place, listen, and be ready to accept the answer. Don’t let guilt confuse you, we all feel guilty about growing up, and carrying on with our life, without our family. As a mother I have enjoyed seeing my kids come into their own, and I’m sure your parents wish the same for you. Sure, I would love it if all of my kids still lived at home, or just down the street, but that’s not healthy, they need to make their own family, and traditions, and find their own way. I’m just a sounding board, and support when they need it. Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  44. I feel for you. I’ve always had difficulty with decisions like this. If you don’t mind my saying, I’ve seen you go through this before and here’s some observations. It seems like when you’re in New York, eventually, you want to be in Ohio. When you’re in Ohio, eventually, you want to be in New York. No matter what you choose, there are going to be trade-offs. If your family needs you there, that’s one thing. If you want to be there for every milestone of your niece and nephew, you’ll have to stay in Ohio. If you want an acting career, freedom, culture, and night life, you’ll have to live in New York. Is there any theater you could join with in your hometown? Maybe that could satisfy your acting bug. One more thing I’m wondering. You seem to assume you have to choose one or the other. I get that you love New York. I get that you love Ohio. Who ever said you can’t have both?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thanks so much David, I really appreciate this. yeah it’s really nice to hear this perspective – you’ve been a great friend through all of this, and so i think you have some great insight. i would love to have both!! Hugs and love xox

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  45. How to make important life decisions indeed! I know what I would tell so many others, yet for myself even though I’ve felt a nudge to leave I let fear block my path while I tell myself “it’s not quite time yet.” Sometimes trusting in God means staying where you’re at, sometimes it means packing up and running as fast as you can. How can you tell which one? I don’t know, but we all need prayer, advice and ultimately faith enough to either power through the trials where we are or faith enough to move on.

    Liked by 1 person

  46. Wow. Caralyn, I’ll be praying and agreeing with you that you’ll have the peace and wisdom to sense what God is speaking to you about. I know it’s much easier said than done, but just be open to which direction He may be leading you. It’s good to ask other people for their two cents on what He’s spoken to you, and their discernment and perspective can help, but ultimately what you choose is between you and God. I certainly don’t want to sway you, but you never know, He may have an amazing opportunity for you in Ohio. I don’t know. Just be open and listen to Him. You have a lot of people who support you, myself included. And thanks for the reminder about non-decisions still being a decision. I struggle with that! Be well and enjoy your weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

  47. I can understand your feelings… a lot. I came to the United States almost 17 years ago. Like you, I have an “Ohio” of my own. I came to this country with a one-way ticket, that determine I was to make it work and never look back. There was nothing for me left back home. But then I grew up and so did my cousins, who are the siblings I never had. We started to get married, have children… We don’t see each other. It took over 10 years for us to get all together again. That’s when it hit me, how much I had missed and how much more I will miss. It is a dilemma. I don’t feel my country of origin is my home anymore. My life is here, in the upper Midwest. I have friends here. I have a life I built for myself here. But I’m not going to lie. I sometimes wonder if it’s worth the price, especially after my failed marriage. That’s when I started to ask myself the “Do I go back?” question. And I did it a lot, especially when I was going through the resentful / anger phase of acceptance of what had happened. I am not that young anymore. I came to this country in my 20s. I was on my way to accomplish everything that I had come here for and even more. The divorce has set me back 17 years, a price I cannot and couldn’t afford. I can’t go back and it will be very hard for me to rebuild, especially at my age.

    With all that said, I can’t help but wonder if I did the right thing and if I’m still doing the right thing by staying. And the answer is yes. I need to stay here. I cannot go back. For me, it comes down to whether I can provide for my family and I know I cannot do so by going back where I came from.

    When I finally went back to my country of origin, I kept on thinking about that saying, “You can take the girl out of high school, but you cannot take high school out of the girl.” I think that’s how it goes, isn’t it? I kept on thinking that for myself. “Did I leave, but I didn’t? Is my country still in me and I am not really over what happened to me back there while growing up?”

    Those thoughts haunted me like crazy during my 2-week visit. I was surprised. In some aspects, I had completely left my country. In some other ones, I am just now, and thanks to my on-going divorce, realizing that “they couldn’t take the country out of me.”

    What I’m trying to say is that I still need to do a lot of healing. I had always told myself that I left my country because I couldn’t build a future for myself and I couldn’t provide for myself and my loved ones. And while that’s the truth, I was actually escaping from my past, wanting to start all over and where nobody knew me. I wanted a clean slate to just be me.

    Guess what: Our past haunts us down no matter where we go and until we have learnt to deal with it and accept it. Only then we will be truly free.

    My divorce and custody battle have forced me to accept that and start to do something about it. Do I want to go back to where I came from, even for a short visit? Yes and no. On the one hand, I want to see my family. On the other hand, I still feel insecure, I dread the encounters that will remind me of the person I once was and whom I didn’t like, and I am afraid that it will open past wounds. But I know it is something that I will have to face and confront one day if I truly want to heal, be me, and reach my full potential.

    I realized when I went back that some of the people I had problems with had changed, too. I wasn’t the only one to change. People who used to be rude to me were so much different. I realized that they had grown themselves. Meanwhile, I could see how other people who I used to admire and wanted to be like actually were. I felt sorry for them. Pitiful human beings.

    But I think the one thing with which I struggle the most is forgiveness of oneself. Ultimately, the other people back there don’t matter. Life carried on for them as it did for me. But I struggle forgiving that person I was back then and there. The mistakes I made. The wasted time in trying to please all those people and be accepted by them. The wasted time in not loving myself, not accepting myself, and wanting to be what I was not and what I thought they wanted me to be. The hate I had for myself for being me and not what I thought it was the ideal.

    You see, I didn’t suffer from anorexia like you did. But I did struggle with a body image (and I still do) because I was not what was considered beautiful or attractive. Even though I was not overweight, I was bullied as if I had been. And to this day, I have a love-hate relationship with food. I am doing a lot better, but I know I do not have a normal relationship with food. In many ways, I can somewhat relate to what you went through. So I can understand, to some degree, why you feel the way you do about Ohio. I have an Ohio of my own.

    You and I will have to face our Ohio’s eventually. Until we do so, we won’t be able to move on.

    I can’t tell you what to do. I can only offer my understanding and tell you that you are not alone. You are going to have to weigh the pros and cons of leaving or staying. But I have a feeling that until you face your “Ohio,” you will not find fulfillment in either Ohio, or NYC. Those ghosts, same as my ghosts with me, will haunt you until you have dealt with them.

    I wish I could say that prayer will help. But we don’t always get an answer or the one we want. Life seems to be a lot about trial and error and trying again. I wish it wouldn’t go by so fast, though. Life is short and we can’t afford to delay certain things or continue trying and trying. By the time we get results, life might have passed us by, leaving us behind. I certainly do not want that to happen to me and I already kind of feel like it has, even when I hope I have another 40 years to live ahead of me. At least for my daughter’s sake.

    I apologize for such a long comment. I just felt compelled to share everything that was in my mind because I can certainly relate.

    I do pray you find the answers you are looking for, even when God’s time are not our own understanding or expectations of time.

    ♥

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    1. Hi Maria, wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so touched, thank you. you’re right – we can’t let our past haunt us, and we’ve got to learn and grow from it. Thank you for your prayers and encouraging words. you’re right – God’s timing often doesn’t match up with our “timeline” but ultimately His is the best. Hugs and love xox

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  48. Many years ago (too many to mention) I took a look at my life too. I was working my way up in a CPA firm and had a bright future ahead. My family were there, my friends were there, my lifestyle was work and a constant round of social entertainment. The business world is not a nice one and its on the fringe of the political world which is even less nice. Then one day when my mind was a little clearer than usual I took stock of where I was at and where I was going. I came to the conclusion that position, wealth and power didn’t really make me happy. So I went back to school to think things through. It was a profitable time. At the end of those studies I turned my mind to the world we live in and the tremendous need out there for someone to care and help. So that’s what I chose to do. Great decision because while I didn’t make much money in the next forty years I had a wealth of experiences I’d never have received in my previous narrow little selfish world. Now to your situation. The books you’ve written have been and will in future be a blessing to a segment of society who need courage and hope. You should feel a sense of accomplishment in that. It’s sad to leave family but eventually they’ll pass to rest and you will need to have a rock to cling to after they’re gone. So visit with them as often as you can, but make sure you are established in a place that will provide you stability, comfort and support when they’re gone. I think Ohio has too many ghosts for you that you need to be clear of.

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  49. Your question is too deep and personal for me to diminish by attempting any suggestion. However, I sincerely believe you could make a very nice income as a serious writer of your life stories, Caralyn. I think you have many books in you that many serious publishers would be very interested in. Your writing in your blogs alone keep me coming back for more like no other blog I have experienced. Truth.

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  50. Hey!
    I was going to post a youtube video on following a “plan”….. but couldn’t find it anyway. The video was like screw the plan you had and follow what you really want, and it is also on her choice to travel around the USA but then really ended being back in bostin and loving it. I think it’s important to know nothing is really permanent if you decide to go back home that’s good if you decide to stay in NYC that’s good also just don’t be stuck to one place and decide that’s the finality of it, people figure out stuff as they go and I hope you do the same.

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