I’m going back to Ohio tomorrow. Just for the weekend.
Honestly, I’ve been counting down until this day for the last five weeks now.
I just need to see my family. See how my mom is doing. For those who may be new to the blog, she had a stroke about ten months ago, and only in the last two months have I moved back to my life in NYC after spending 8 months at home in Ohio, being her sidekick in her recovery.
Since coming back, I’ve never really been so aware of how time alters things. My friend group has completely changed, with people going off in all different directions. People have coupled off, moved to different boroughs of NYC, found other friends…eight months is a long time. A lot of life can happen.
And I’m going to be really honest…I’ve spent many nights falling asleep, asking myself, “What am I chasing here?”
I mean, my two best friends are here – which is frankly the biggest draw – and I’m pursuing an acting career, but I think about the life I’m giving up back in Ohio with my family, and it quite literally keeps me up at night.
I’ve got my mom, who, though she is strong and doing great in her recovery…I want to be there for her. She’s navigating life with a new set of wings, and I want to be there to support my best friend. I want to be there to support my father who is the rock of our family. I’ve got my bother and his wife who are going to be adopting soon. I’ve got my other brother and his wife and their darling children who are growing up and starting preschool and playing soccer. And all of these things, I’m missing. And it kills me inside.
Ohio and I have a difficult history. The shadow of my past anorexia darkens my existence there. I feel as though I walk around with a scarlet letter on my chest.
That’s why NYC has been so good for me. For almost six years now, I’ve been building a life – free from all the stigma and pain that I carry around in Ohio. I’ve carved out a life here with people I care about, and who care about and accept me.
But I keep finding myself asking, “Is it worth it?” Is the price I’m willing to pay for this life worth giving up a life with my family?
To be completely honest, I’ve avoided making any decision, instead, just letting time pass, being in limbo. But as it turns out, when it comes to time, a non-decision is still a decision. And I’m learning that pretty quickly here.
I think there’s also a part of me that feels that by leaving NYC, I’ve failed. That I’ve abandoned my dream. Accepted a life of mediocracy and “settled.” Life in the fast lane is over, time to get a run down apartment behind a dated fast food joint and have to exist in a world that has a permanent odor of burnt frying oil and greasy hamburger meat.
OK, maybe I’m being a little melodramatic, but honestly, the lights in my apartment are dim, I’ve got the candles and the spa music going, so I’m feeling that ~mood~ right now.
I think I need to turn on the lights, bust out a little High School Musical dance party, and snap out of it.
And in the meantime, pray for guidance. Ask to be nudged in the direction I’m supposed to go. Who knows, maybe this unrest in my heart is that nudge, but I’m too stubborn to accept it. Maybe that’s what I really should be praying about.
Ugh. Life is weird.
Question: How do you sort out which path in life you’re supposed to take? How do you make important life decisions?
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