The Price of Dreams

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m going back to Ohio tomorrow. Just for the weekend.

Honestly, I’ve been counting down until this day for the last five weeks now.

I just need to see my family. See how my mom is doing. For those who may be new to the blog, she had a stroke about ten months ago, and only in the last two months have I moved back to my life in NYC after spending 8 months at home in Ohio, being her sidekick in her recovery.

Since coming back, I’ve never really been so aware of how time alters things. My friend group has completely changed, with people going off in all different directions. People have coupled off, moved to different boroughs of NYC, found other friends…eight months is a long time. A lot of life can happen.

And I’m going to be really honest…I’ve spent many nights falling asleep, asking myself, “What am I chasing here?”

I mean, my two best friends are here – which is frankly the biggest draw – and I’m pursuing an acting career, but I think about the life I’m giving up back in Ohio with my family, and it quite literally keeps me up at night.

I’ve got my mom, who, though she is strong and doing great in her recovery…I want to be there for her. She’s navigating life with a new set of wings, and I want to be there to support my best friend. I want to be there to support my father who is the rock of our family. I’ve got my bother and his wife who are going to be adopting soon. I’ve got my other brother and his wife and their darling children who are growing up and starting preschool and playing soccer. And all of these things, I’m missing. And it kills me inside.

Ohio and I have a difficult history. The shadow of my past anorexia darkens my existence there. I feel as though I walk around with a scarlet letter on my chest.

That’s why NYC has been so good for me. For almost six years now, I’ve been building a life – free from all the stigma and pain that I carry around in Ohio. I’ve carved out a life here with people I care about, and who care about and accept me.

But I keep finding myself asking, “Is it worth it?” Is the price I’m willing to pay for this life worth giving up a life with my family?

To be completely honest, I’ve avoided making any decision, instead, just letting time pass, being in limbo. But as it turns out, when it comes to time, a non-decision is still a decision. And I’m learning that pretty quickly here.


I think there’s also a part of me that feels that by leaving NYC, I’ve failed. That I’ve abandoned my dream. Accepted a life of mediocracy and “settled.” Life in the fast lane is over, time to get a run down apartment behind a dated fast food joint and have to exist in a world that has a permanent odor of burnt frying oil and greasy hamburger meat.

OK, maybe I’m being a little melodramatic, but honestly, the lights in my apartment are dim, I’ve got the candles and the spa music going, so I’m feeling that ~mood~ right now.


I think I need to turn on the lights, bust out a little High School Musical dance party, and snap out of it.


This weekend will tell me a lot. It will be really interesting to see how my heart feels to be back there.

And in the meantime, pray for guidance. Ask to be nudged in the direction I’m supposed to go. Who knows, maybe this unrest in my heart is that nudge, but I’m too stubborn to accept it. Maybe that’s what I really should be praying about.

Ugh. Life is weird.

Question: How do you sort out which path in life you’re supposed to take? How do you make important life decisions?

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

360 thoughts on “The Price of Dreams”

  1. Caralyn, I’ve been there and gotten the T-shirt. Life is full of crossroads, twists, and turns. It sounds like you are approaching and or nearing a crossroads. I have prayed for discernment. God always answers our prayers. However, he reveals the answers to us in his time, not ours. Our Lord has plans for you like he has plans for all of us. I don’t know what they are, but I like where he’s taking me. Sometimes I don’t like the paths he puts me through to get to where I want and he wants me to go, but that is how it is at times.

    You are right. The weekend will let you know where things stand. But, I would not base your entire choice on a single weekend. Take an inventory of what you want. Get it off your mind and put it on God’s. I will pray for your discernment. He will show you the way. Keep yourself connected to him, study his word, and continue to be the shining light you are to so many on your blog, and outside of cyberspace. I’m thinking of you and I’m praying for you, Caralyn. God will grant you his wisdom like he has done for so many. God loves you, Caralyn, and may he bless you richly. Life is full of miracles I know he’ll work miracles for you and me.

    -Brandon

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Brandon, thank you so much for your encouragement. you’re right – He has a plan, I just have to stay connected to Him and try my best to listen. Thank you with all my heart for your prayers. means a lot 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  2. God is always at work and still speaks to His children.
    “And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left (Isaiah 30:21). Prayer, Scripture, Meditation… being in the Word. Most times the answer come out of personal devotions opposed to staying solely focused on the specific question. It is important to seek God’s will, plan, purposes and not your own. The visual would be a contract with no words at the top but does have your signature at the bottom and you saying to God, Your will, Father, fill it in. Help me be on page with you. God does have a plan. “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:10). Seek the Lord, He will get you there.😊

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  3. I can empathize with you “beautiybeyondbones” I have been in somewhat similar situation. Several years ago I moved from Georgia to Napa, CA. Three weeks in I began to get panic attacks which turned into a depression. As I was getting better, one morning I woke and the first thing there was this whisper deep inside which said “you need to go back!” This happened every morning. I kept asking “God, why?”
    I had moved there believing it was the right place to be, and very happy about it. After a good month of this same message I finally decided to move back, and since my house in Georgia had not sold I told the realtor to take it off the market as I was going to move back; which I did two months later.
    I knew I did not want to stay in Georgia as I never felt at home there, but knew there had to be a reason.
    Eventually I finally found the place that felt like home, but it took another seven years before I could sell the house and move to Greenville, South Carolina.
    I know God will guide you. Keep your mind and heart open.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ann, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you were battling depression. I’m glad that you were able to follow God’s promtings and found a sense of home 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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      1. It was humbling going through the experience of depression. However, I a blessed that it was a “situational” depression not chemical. I a grateful for God’s love and blessings that helped me out of it.

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  4. Choosing between cities is so hard. I had to decide whether to stay in my home city where I was comfortable with my family and best friends or move to where by boyfriend (now husband) lived so that we wouldn’t have to do long distance anymore. I had no idea which way to go, I really didn’t want to move and it broke my heart to have to leave my family but I did it and now I know why God wanted me to take this path. It was hard to begin with but I have had so many opportunities in this new city that I wouldn’t have otherwise had and am so much happier here than I ever would have imagined. Praying is definitely the key. God bless you (and direct you) in making your decision!

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  5. I think this is definitely the thing you should be praying about. If you are not, then I think you are afraid of the answer from God. You don’t want to give up control of you life and future. The thing you may not realize is that if you choose the way God wants you to go, you will look back on your life with satisfaction and joy.

    My husband and I lived in the big city of Vancouver, BC, Canada. We had moved there because he was offered a job, in the same company, and my oldest daughter needed me to babysit her two boys. When we moved there, I was pretty scared of such a big place. But I grew to love it and loved my life there.

    5 years later, my husband was offered an even better paying job. He was going to take it, but my other daughter in Kelowna, BC needed us. Her youngest girl was very ill with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. My daughter needed to work because they couldn’t make it with just her husband’s job. She wanted us to move back to Kelowna.

    Well, the boys didn’t need me any longer. They were 13 and 14 yrs. old. But my husband would have to give up the job offer and take one that made a lot less money. Also, there were no job openings in Kelowna because they had shut the warehouse down.

    I asked the Lord for a sign, so we would know what to do. He did tell us what to do. He gave me a dream. I was in an airplane and it was landing at Kelowna. I said, “I’m home.” We took that as the sign, so I moved first before my husband got a job or even knew when one could come.

    He joined me a year later. The company had opened a meter shop in Penticton, which is 45 min. from Kelowna. Dan got a job there and moved here. I took care of my granddaughter until she was 14 and didn’t need me anymore. She still has OCD, but is much better than when she was a child. She is 20 and lives with her parents. She had a job working for a family friend and that worked out, but then she worked at a mall and her anxiety was too much for her to continue. I know one day she will be able to work again.

    Long response! Sorry. I look back and thank God we were there for our family. My granddaughters are close to me. I went to some of their school functions. I helped with homework and baking. We had a wonderful time together. My other daughter moved back too. Family is forever. No one will ever love you like family. God loves the idea of family because that is what he has created for us. We are now in his family.

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  6. My heart goes out to you. I believe you will know what you need to do. The challenge is to quiet the mind, pay attention to the wisdom of your body and the emotions of your heart. In the end you need to do what is right for you.❤ My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings Roland

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  7. “When it comes to time, a non-decision is still a decision.” I got this. Thanks.

    Do you use the Youversion bible app? I’m at similar crossroads with you, I just stumbled on a devotional plan – Right People, Right Place, Right Plan, which I think may be beneficial to you alongside praying about your decision, just as I hope it would be to me, too.

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  8. Oh man! This one really spoke to me because of our recent move. I debated whether or not to chime in. My wife and I have been asking ourselves these very same questions even AFTER the move. How do you know when it’s God’s will or really just our desires? It’d be nice if God still dealt in burning bushes or neon signs. Spoiler Alert – my explanation is going to be a jumble of thoughts that doesn’t give you a clear answer. What can I say, I’m a therapist. You’re welcome 😝 First is the understanding that there really is no wrong answer. If we were capable of messing up God’s plans for our lives with a single decision we make…then we would have all been screwed back at the Garden of Eden. For me personally, I felt we needed to move. You can’t put a pricetag on family and with my brother’s prognosis of only having a few months to live it seemed to be a no brainer to go from 4 1/2 hrs away to 1 1/2. But just because we felt it was the right call, doesn’t mean it’s been easy. You don’t get a free pass just cuz your on the God Squad. Obviously, our circumstances are different. I agree though, the ones that truly love you and know you will understand whichever decision you make. I always say, “somebody else can pack your bags for the guilt trip. But, you’re the one who has to go on it. ” I was going to say it; but, you beat me to it…Not to decide is to decide. I’ve heard it said that God gives one of three answers – Yes, No and Grow. It sounds like this trip will be good for you. I hope it brings the clarity you’re searching and praying for. Thanks for the thought provoking post! 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you so much for this awesome perspective. you’re right – there’s no wrong answer. that’s a comforting thought. Yes, no and grow – i love that so much. thanks for the kindness and encouragement. really means a lot. loved this! Hugs and love xox

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  10. Hey Caralyn!
    First of all thanks for sharing! I think a feeling of belonging is very fundamental to call a place “home”. This feeling normally is much more triggered by people than by actual places. I think it’s a fundamental misconception to call a place “home” but it’s much more people we care about and who care about us who make us feel “home”. Over the years I’ve changed the place I’m living a couple of times – some places I stayed just for a few months or year, some places a couple of years – so what I realised is that it’s not so much the place (surroundings, infrastructure, …) but much more the people I came to call friends I’m missing. Technology makes staying in touch very very easy but somewhere along the way you have to decide who you wanna see every day and who you wanna stay in touch via social media. Caralyn, I know it’s not easy but nobody can make that decision for you, because as you mentioned not to decide is a decision too, normally not the best one 😦 . For the weekend with you family I wish you a blessed and great time. I just wouldn’t make the decision there but go to a different (third) place for a couple of days just by myself and write down everything that goes through my head. At the end of those days I’d go through my notes and maybe I see a clear direction and I trust that God was and is with me on the path I’m taking.
    Take care and God bless!!

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  11. You’re mother is healed in Jesus Name! She’s in my prayers. I think you need to pray and fast about the direction you wanna move forward in. Only God knows where he wants to lead you to next and you shouldn’t suggest the path you wanna go by yourself but wait on the Lord be of good courage and he shall strengthen your heart in Jesus Name! God bless and thanks for sharing❤

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  12. Another powerful and thought provoking post! I’m right there with you. I’m at a point in my life where I’m asking the same questions: what’s important to me, and how do I want my life to be. It seems to me that you are asking the types of questions that will bring you closer to the answers you seek. And you are aware of what’s holding you back–the fear of failure or not following through on your dream. But I’m curious, what would your life be like if you moved back to Ohio and lived closer to your family? What would it be like if you stayed in New York and continued to work on your acting career? More questions, I know! I believe you will get there. You have created such an amazing life for yourself so far. You’ve got this!

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  13. Forgive me for stating the obvious or repeating what others might have already said… but it sounds like either way you choose, you’re going to have to confront something unpleasant.

    It might help to take just that kind of mindset – confrontational yourself. To drum up some aggression and oomph and a victory mindset towards whatever God wants you to defeat. I know that is so so so much easier to write than to do, especially given your scars, and I feel pretty crummy honestly that I cannot do it better justice with this short comment.

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  14. Caralyn, I know full well what this feels like – and I still have yearnings for the snow country from time to tome.
    Remember this:
    Firstly, you need to make your decision out of your heart, and not out of your mind. The mind plays all kinds of tricks and is very much open to attack and to persuasion by the wrong values.
    God speaks during the moments of silence between your thoughts, and He speaks to your heart. We need to quieten the mind and give Him space to touch our hearts with His solution to our problems. This is not always as easy as it sounds – often we are too busy praying incessantly.!
    Whatever you finally decide to do, be sure that there will be times when you will wonder about the alternative option, and what it might have brought to you. We all do this, and it’s no good getting sentimental about it. We can have only very limited perception of the outcome of other options, so the ‘what if’ scenario is not really helpful. Listen long and carefully for the Lord’s voice, then move forward in faith – and don’t keep looking back!

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  15. One way that I find out whether a choice is from my whole being in integrity or a mind driven ‘should’ is to muscle test it. If your muscles stay strong, your body and heart agree with the question. If they are weak, then the question is not supported by your body and heart.
    I hope that you find the path to craft your most fulfilled life, whatever that entails.

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  16. I’ve never been through quite what you’re describing, but I’ve had lots of similar experiences of wondering if I’m in the right place geographically.

    Thirty miles away from here is Davis, a college town where I moved as a freshman at age 18 and lived until a few weeks before my 25th birthday, a few years after I was done with school. I still visit fairly often for football and basketball games, and I have a few other friends who live in Davis now. Every time I’m there, I start to get nostalgic and wonder what it would be like to move back. Five days ago, I found myself in Davis for a reunion-type event (I’ll probably be writing about this on my own blog soon) in which I got to see and catch up with many of my friends from the late 90s when I lived there. In talking to one of them, I mentioned that I still visit Davis fairly often, and I’ve thought about moving back… and all of a sudden, the perfect words came to me to describe why I haven’t moved back, even though twice I was thinking about it to the point of sending job applications. It’s because the feeling isn’t so much wanting to move back to Davis as it is wanting my old life from 20 years ago back, when things were simpler, I didn’t feel out of place at church, and I was surrounded by other people in the same place in life as me. That’s never going to happen again, and the way of dealing with it isn’t by turning back to the past and pretending I’m in my early 20s again.

    I have been wondering again if it’s time to move farther away, to leave California entirely, because the dominant culture in California seems to be moving more and more aggressively away from my values and beliefs, plus my difficulty finding friends and a romantic partner here. Sometimes it feels like I’ve exhausted all my options here. I came close to leaving in 2005, but ultimately decided on a short move instead of a long move, since I didn’t have anything definite that I was running to, I just needed to run away and make a fresh start somewhere. But part of me feels like I should have left when I had the chance. And I have more to lose now than I did then, since I’m in a good place when it comes to work, and I have a house.

    So I guess I don’t really have much advice except to pray about it and watch for signs, and make sure you understand all of your feelings and motivations. That’s what I’m doing. Good luck. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey friend, thanks for sharing your story. Yeah it’s such an interesting feeling to go back, isn’t it? Yeah pray for sure. Thanks for this encouragement. I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  17. Ohio is just a state. No state created your “stigma and pain”. Your family needs you and you need them. You need to be there, both for them and for yourself. Read your own words again. It’s time to go home. Hugs & Love xoxo 😃💛

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  20. Again, a wonderful, heartfelt post. I urge you to look for the signs, the wonderful synchronicity of life. You will know them. That random call that’s the missing piece of your puzzle, the eerily accurate song playing in the background. You’re intuitive to recognise. It’s great that your mother has your support and that you, too, are supported. And loved, hey, let’s not forget that. So I hope you danced it off till the fog cleared.

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  21. Sometimes the sorting out happens only by stepping in a direction. Paul and his missionary team had big plans for Asia, but were prevented – and then redirected by God to head for Macedonia. Moses returned to Egypt full of questions. Abraham traveled to a new land without many details provided in advance. Mary “treasured and pondered” things in her heart. God sorts things along the way.

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  23. To answer your question, I talk to my mentor (AA sponsor) and my therapist, who encourage me to be real and true to myself. And I pray, meditate, and I go with my gut. This happened for me recently, and that’s what I did. Hugs and prayers for you!

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  24. Enjoy the time with your family, but don’t make any decisions based on the weekend. One thing I know, is that it’s really easy to really like a place when you know you’re going to be leaving in a day, a week or two. Day to day life can’t be judged by a ‘vacation trip’.

    People in this country act as if altering your plans or pursuing different goals is ‘giving up on a dream’. That’s ridiculous. Dreams are dreams and reality is reality. You can turn your dreams into your reality… but (tautology alert) your dream is then your reality. I’m not suggesting your dream isn’t worth pursuing — but feeling like a failure for changing your goals is silly. That’s what growing up does and means. The purpose of your blog won’t be invalidated if it’s published from New York, Ohio, Uganda or Timbuktu.

    No one but you will know what decision to make; but you will learn and grow from choices you ultimately wish you hadn’t made… and you know this, you’re no stranger to that concept! 🙂

    Enjoy your weekend.

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  26. There are several stories in the Bible about people who, I think, felt the way you do right now. Abraham – who waited 100 years for a child with Sarah. Moses – who had a couple of starts-and-stops early on, then waited 40 years before he started his ultimate calling. Paul – who got his calling early, but then waited another 15 years or so to really get started. Even Jesus didn’t get going until he was 30 or so!

    I know this sounds like like a cliched platitude but Hang. In. There.

    Keep praying and keep reading the Bible.

    And remember, God is never late and rarely early.

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  27. Hi Caralyn: I try to understand what it must be like living so far from your parents, especially with what your Mom has been through. I really can’t say I know the feeling because I lived in the same city as my parents through their entire life. Even though there were differences at times, it sure was nice having them close by.

    Please don’t consider this to be preaching, but there are a few verses below that may be worth considering as you think, pray, wonder about your future.

    —Caralyn, you are a special, unique creation of God. He has planned good things for you to do, as well as preparing you for those special things to be done.

    Ephesians 2:10
    For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

    —The Lord’s plans are so much better than anything we could think of. Lean on Jesus, Caralyn, submit to Him, and you will walk the path He has prepared.

    Proverbs 3:5-6
    5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
    6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

    —Sometimes we are given a rest we need, even if we don’t feel like we want a rest.
    As the Holy Spirit guides us down God’s path of life for us, remember He does it all for the sake of the Holy Name of God, never for ourselves.

    Psalms 23:2-3
    2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
    he leads me beside quiet waters,
    3 he refreshes my soul.
    He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.

    You mentioned about your previous relationship with your time in Ohio, you are a different person now, than you were back then. When people from previous years see you now, and hear what Jesus Christ has done in your life, they will all be pleased for you, and Jesus will get all the Glory.

    As you seek God’s will and way, He will guide you. Continuing to pray for you Caralyn, knowing you will hear the voice of the Spirit of God.

    Even though they do not know me, please give your Mom and Dad a hug for me. They are special people with a fantabulous daughter.

    God’s Blessings,
    Luv, ❤️❤️
    George.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey George, thanks so much for this incredible encouragement. I really appreciate your insight and advice and for sharing those verses. You’re so right, God has a plan I just have to seek His will through prayer and then patience. I will definitely pass along that hug. Thanks again for your kind words. My heart is warm 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  28. Be present, be contemplative (as in have a meditative practice such as Centering Prayer, expect signs and nudges, and go with the flow of what feels right. Prayers for your trip. Enjoy each moment 🙂

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  29. Crossroads, which path to take? I have been there many times so prayer has been my best method of navigating through the decision making process. So I aligned my choices based on what I knew my overall purpose in life is. My purpose to help others heal from their wounds of abuse by showing them Gods love. My ultimate goal is to open up our own restorative housing shelters. All that requires money and I had 3 choices to make, continue in my career which would only pay for my bills but not extra, start a business that would help me earn the funds I need to open up the shelters or go back to school? what I found out was that I can stay in my current career while I take a class one night a week to hep me build on the skills I need to run a business that will help me fund my non-profit. All with the guidance of God to give me strength though it all. Don’t limit your possibilities based on earths time frame and natural laws, remember your Heavenly father can shift mountains and give you the big break you need. I recommend 2 books Breakout by Joel Osteen and Destined to Reign by Joseph Prince. Best of luck and blessings to you!

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  30. It is not a failure to chase a different dream. You have admitted to yourself that you don’t think you will find the kind of guy you can settle down with in NY. Memory books are filled with family and friends, kids and life events. If you want to be in OH for mom and family and a different life, GO FOR IT! do it before it is too late. time is relentless. Another year will go by. Will you really be happy where you are at the end of that year or will you still be longing for OH? Maybe on this trip you look around quietly for employment and a place to live. Kind of under the radar so as not to get anyone too excited if things should change. You are young and single. Stay as fluid as possible. Do I sound too bossy? Please forgive me if I do!

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    1. P.S. that scarlet letter thing is BS. that’s just the enemy trying to psych you out and keep you from living the live you really want to live. Kick him in the nuts and do what you want. The people who love you will forget and those who do not do not love you and you don’t need those bitties in your life anyway.

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  31. I understand where you are coming from regarding listening for that nudge and then not sure if you’re ignoring it. Have safe travels this weekend. I hope you find the answers or at least some insight as to the next steps you should take. And I have to agree with a previous commentator – don’t let the “scarlet letter” thing psych you out. You have grown and moved past your past. You have all the power to toss that old stigma into the trash and never let it out again. As the saying goes – don’t let your past define who you are today. Good luck!

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  33. I’m from somewhere in Ohio originally too. I understand your words. I’m trying to make decisions too and I like that you mentioned not making a decision is making a decision. Limbo is not a fun place to be but if you get stuck there it is going to feel like you’ll never get out. No decision is perfect but you’ll have to make one. You just might pick the best path for you. Everything happens for a reason if we allow ourselves to pay attention and sort those reasons out.

    I wish you the best with your decision making. I’m there now myself so I understand your drama. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst but do not put yourself down over mistakes made. The past is history so let it go and live in your present in order to make your future the happy place you crave. Never give up on your dreams, your goals or your life.

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  34. “Beware of destination happiness: the belief that happiness resides in the next job, the next place, the next relationship. Unless you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.”

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  35. This year, I have also been diving deeper into how to pursue the purpose God has for me. The book Wide Awake by Erwin McManus (pastor of Mosaic Church in Los Angeles) is an eye-opening book about how to maximize your potential to dream and how to engage in the creative process of finding your inner hero…in one chapter, the book references the parable of the talents and focuses on the question, “What are you doing with what God gave you?” He points out that it’s interesting that the master doesn’t tell the servants what to do with what he gave them but rather returns to see whether they used it wisely or not. “It’s responsibility to maximize your capacity, to take an inventory of who you are and to understand how God has designed you, to harness all the talent and skills God has placed in you, and to recognize that you will not be measured against anyone else’s life but your own. Then you are ready to embrace your role in human history to create a better world.” I’m learning that life is about discovering my purpose and using it to create something beautiful to bring God glory. Do that, in whatever capacity and in whatever location, and God will still say, “Well done.” Grateful for your journey!

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      1. Yes! So glad you like him. I listen to his podcast whenever I get a chance. I think he is an excellent communicator, very passionate. He also speaks a lot about pursuing the abundant life that God intended us to live, so all of his stuff is so motivational!

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  37. First off, WHY are you second guessing yourself??? Look what YOU on your own have accomplished – I know all with Gods’ guidance but still – all on your own! Look what you have overcome in the early stages. Look at the person that you have become and then to be able to go back out into the world and always try to be the difference that we need in this country. C’mon really? Just stop for a minute and breathe. IF you decide to move back to Ohio – it is your decision to make with NO REGRETS – You will always be able to hold your head high because so many people in this world do not make it back from such a dark place. You Did! You came back stronger than ever and ready to help others learn and know what it’s all about. You make a difference – plain and simple and you have your Mom and Dad to attest to that fact. Please do not take it that I am being blunt but I have been a faithful follower of your blog for some time now and I look forward to reading your posts and articles. Your insights give me comfort and surety, among other things that I am on the right path with my own family. Follow your heart because the mind tends to play tricks!!! God is always on time and will be close wherever you are!!! You Got This!

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    1. Oh my gosh thank you so much for this amazing encouragement. It seriously means so much and my heart is so warm after reading it. I’m so glad you’ve been enjoying my blog. You are a blessing to me! Sending massive hugs and love xox

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  38. It’s actually crazy that you always write what I’m currently going through lol I don’t know how you do it! I lived in New England last year and fell in love but recently moved back home in the Midwest. And I want to move back out to New England but a part of me doesn’t want to miss out on my family in the Midwest. Hopefully I get some answers! Praying for guidance for you!

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  39. First of all, there is no more “Scarlett Letter” of shame. That was crucified with Christ and you are brand new, (Galatians 2:20; 2 Corinthians 5:17) And second, as for knowing where you need to be, I know the feeling. Seven and a half years ago I quit my job to go back to school to become a paramedic (EMT) After I graduated school and became licenced to become one, I tried for two years to get a job. It was hard. In the meantime I was working as a patient transfer attendant, a stepping stone job, while I tried getting the paramedic job. After the two years of trying, I “gave up” and stayed with patient transfer. I liked the job and working with patients. I also had the opportunity to work with neonatal transport nurses, who helped little babies in need. But after five years, for of those being night shift, I left that job to work at a plant nursery. I started here at this job just after Canadian Thanksgiving. Is been fun so far, but did I make the right choice. As far as my family is concerned, yes. My wife and my kids missed me a lot at night and it is so good to sleep in my own bed at night.

    After telling you all that, my point is that you aren’t the only one facing this question, “Where should I be, what should I do?” Seek God, seek godly counsel. And if it’s worth anything, you look and sound like you would be a great actress.

    Think about it.
    KEEP THE LIGHT ON!

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  40. How do you sort it out? This is gonna sound WAY too business-like but it at least helps to do a pro-con list. But make sure you list the “soft” points too, like the vulnerability you have and how it can in fact save and restore lives.

    I get that Ohio carries pain for you. And only you can answer the question about whether you’re running away from a real fight with a destructive, shaming culture or in fact building a life of love and redemption in NYC.

    Your acting, writing and sharing life gifts will port anywhere. You just need to define what your goals are in using them, knowing you’re already a hero to hundreds.

    That scared girl you were still walks a lonely walk and you have a lot to say and love to help her out. And that’s not even broadening your message to shame in general. If you haven’t, get to listen to Brene Brown. She’s done some stellar TED talks. You’d both love what she says and line up with her battle.

    No matter what – you will be loved, supported and prayed for. Just the way it is.

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  41. This was a great post Caralyn! Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. Life is full of important decisions and sometimes we know for sure what we are supposed to do. Then there are other times when we are torn. I have been in both situations and as I am growing older and wiser I have come to realize that listening is the key. Quieting the chatterbox of a mind, stilling my mind for as long as I have to, and listening for God’s prompting always help me discern the answer.
    You know my brother committed suicide in April and he was my only sibling. He was the only one that had my childhood stories because we did everything together when we were kids. Now he is gone and I wish I would have more time with him. I did not spend nearly enough time with him. If it was me I would move back just to be with my family because we don’t know how much time we have left with them. But you can’t make your decision based on fear or guilt. You have to make your decision for healthy reasons. The mere fact that you are questioning your decision about your move to NYC is a good indication that something probably needs to change – because you are changing, growing, getting healthier!
    Have you ever heard of the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle? He has written a phenomenal book called “The Power of Now” and it has changed my life. It is a very interesting read and it is only 229 pages. The book has revolutionized how I make decisions and live my life now. If you are interested and have the time you might look into getting this book. I know it could help you a lot.
    I wish you all the best as you journey forward. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you have a great time in Ohio! Blessings to you Caralyn!

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    1. Thanks so much Tammy! I really appreciate your encouraging words and for your prayers. That seriously means so much. I haven’t heard of Tolle but I’ll definitely have to look him up! Thanks for the recco! Hugs and love xox

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  42. 8 months can change a lot of things. That’s so true. Things change in your life before you realise, sometimes.

    God always speaks often the trick is in picking up the clues.

    I am sure you will make the right choice. I have no idea what it is from over here.

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  43. So, I am not a decision maker. Check that. I don’t like to be a decision maker when it comes to me and my life. It takes me forever to decide what I want to eat at restaurants. I’m always telling the waiter, “Uhm. Come back to me last, please. I still haven’t decided.” Frustrates my family completely. 😉 And when it comes to major decisions, well, can you imagine how bad I am if I can’t even pick something to eat? I just want God to do the whole handwriting on the wall thing like he did for the King in Daniel chapter 5 (unless it’s a message of my doom like God gave the king – then I’d rather not know! 😉 ) Though God may not choose to be so conspicuous with His direction, I’ve learned that He still speaks very clearly through His Word, through our communion with Him in prayer and through the NUDGINGS of the Holy Spirit. Yep, those nudgings are nothing to be ignored. In fact, I have just made a huge decision in my life to leave the church that I am serving as Children’s Minister after four years of service. It was an excruciating decision-making process and even entailed a little fight between me and God. I love the ministry. I love working with the kids and their families. I love the event planning, Vacation Bible School, games, praise and worship, etc. But through subtle urgings of His Spirit, through staff changes, through situations unfolding in the church, God has been telling me it’s time to go. I can’t point to a sign or anything concrete that said, “KJ, you gotta GO. Love, God” but I can’t deny the message. Funny thing is, though, He hasn’t told me where I’m going. I simply have to be faithful to follow which is what I’m doing.

    Though I’m not sure any of this will help you in your decision making and I’m not too sure why I shared, I think I mainly wanted to encourage you to listen to the nudgings. They mean something. But remember to bathe whatever you do in prayer and dive into His Word. He’ll direct your path and His Word will help you determine if those nudgings are just feelings of doubt and uncertainty whispered to you by the Deceiver meant to keep you from something great God has in store for you or if those urgings actually line up with God’s plan for you. Yep. This decision making thing is no walk in the park! But always trust the Good Shepherd to lead you and always follow. I’ll be praying with you as you consider your future and ask that you pray with me, as well.

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  44. Keep praying. Open your heart and ears to find the way you’re supposed to go, regardless of which way you think is the correct way. With God’s guidance, you will find the decision which gives you the peace of knowing it’s the right decision.

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  45. “As it turns out, you can go home again,” according to Robin Davis, food editor at the Columbus Dispatch. She was charmed by the cosmopolitan environs of San Francisco, and left family and home in Ohio. When her father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer she had to make a decision. Caralyn, I pray that Robin’s story will help you make the right decision for your life.

    http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/19/living/going-home-robin-davis/index.html

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      1. Robin Davis presents an engaging testimony in her book, “Recipe for Joy: A Stepmom’s Story of Finding Faith, Following Love, and Feeding a Family”.

        The prologue reads:

        “There were three things food writer Robin Davis promised she would never do: she would never move back to Ohio, she would never get married, and she would never join an organized religion.”

        Her father’s illness was the impetus to return to her home and family in Ohio. While it was difficult to leave San Francisco, Davis was able to transfer her skills to the Columbus Dispatch; and she became wife and mother to a hometown widower and his three children.

        Most importantly, she was able to rediscover the importance of faith and family; and reconnect to God through the Catholic Church — a very different outcome than if she had remained in California which represented the world.

        I understand you did stage work in Ohio. Patrick Stewart, when asked about his film roles, said:

        “I feel incredibly fortunate because aspects of my career, not only did I never anticipate any of it, they weren’t looked for. I was a stage actor and the fact that somebody would employ me to work on the stage was enough for me.”

        Caralyn, I see great opportunity for you such as writing a screenplay of your book and playing yourself in the lead role. Crowd funding could finance the project, and who knows …

        David P. (AKA Eternal Christ)

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  46. Dear Caralyn. You have a wonderful acting career right back there where you left it in Ohio Don’t denigrate stage and quit trying to get someone to pick you for their game ( movie ) Do Your Own Thing with your family at your back. You have the personality writing skills. Business skills connections and oh yeah. GOD
    Please I actually beg for the sake of the kingdom. Seriously consider this

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  47. Hi BBB – I can relate to your story or wanting to be with family that is – especially a mother. After loosing my mom, 5 days after thanksgiving on last year – I felt so lost, actually lost isn’t even the word to describe such loneliness. Now that my mom has been gone, I think about her everyday….single….day. I have to say, the thing that gets me over a bad hump is the fact that I was by her side the whole time. I moved to NC in 2005 because I wanted to be closer to her, at the time of moving there I had begun to have regrets and wondered if even the move was a productive one, but while I can say I had my ups and downs now the thought of me being there with my mom for all those years, by her side when she needed me the most are my greatest and treasured thoughts. I probably wouldn’t have that peace right now had I had not moved – I would be full of regrets right now. You’re a praying and believing young lady and I know in the end, you’ll do what is best. Pray about it as I know you already have and leave it in God’s hands, you’ll be surprised at how the answer you need and/or are looking for will just come to you. I knew it was the right choice for me to be with my mom because my heart and spirit was at ease when I came to visit and when I left, that peace and tranquility I felt with being around my mom, left as well. There’s no sure answer to it, sometimes you just know because you know……you’ll feel it, it’s one of those feelings that are different than the rest. I’ll be praying for you…

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    1. Hi Roshonda, thank you so much for sharing your story. Gosh I am so sorry for your loss. That’s so hard. My heart just goes out to you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Know that you are in my prayers. Hugs and love xox

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  48. A decision you make now won’t be for the rest of your life. I can see from the outside what you want to do and why, but the real question to ask yourself is: which of these decisions is being driven by guilt? Normally being torn between possibilities carries a certain amount of guilt, pride etc. I think we need to make decisions that lead to our growth. I don’t think a wise decision can be made if guilt or obligation/duty is the foundation. To me it sounds like you can always go back home. And any parent that feels a healthy parental love will be happy to let their kid go and build her/his own life elsewhere regardless of the circumstances they’re in.

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      1. Yeah, I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for you, even if it might not be easy either way!

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  49. Oh good ol Ohio. When I left Ohio, I joined my husband who was in the Air Force, I became a wife. I had no friends where I was living for about 8 months. I didn’t think I could prosper, but I did. God helped me grow in Arkansas. In Ohio, there was a lot of pain leading up to when I got married, but yet, God used it for growth, and most of it was because I needed my own form of independence. Then Florida happened, no friends, till like the last day I was there lol. But even then I was growing! Seriously! God helped me grow in places and in darkness I didn’t think possible. Ohio was always in the back of my head though when I lived away. It always had a major piece of my heart.

    God has taught me take the good from the bad, and keep moving forward. When I returned to Ohio, the parts of Ohio I liked that is what defined me. When I went through my depression in Ohio, while in college, it was not the depression I remember with pain, but the overwhelming love and guidance He gave me through it. I’m in the same state, another new place, not close to friends and family.

    And God continues to teach me, love me, provide me with what I need even when I think, “God, I don’t know how this is going to work out. But I know You are with me.”

    And girl, He’s with you too! Ohio has a darkness for you, but there is abounding light from Christ that sprouted out of that darkness. As for where you are now, it isn’t defeat. It isn’t failure. Failure would be to not look around you, which I remember you writing about awhile ago. Embrace the moment. Think about what is going on.

    Live.

    Sometimes, God prepares us in one place or one situation so we can venture to an old place or a new one and be able to handle the situation better because of our past experience. You are never alone. Ever! 🙂 ❤

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You’re right – we’ve got to take the good from the bad. And amen! There cannot be any darkness when we are in Christ’s light. Thanks for this incredible encouragement, TR. you are a blessing to me 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  50. I also left my hometown where all my friends and family stay to move to a bigger city where everything happens for us actors. It is still a slow start on my start only recently moved here.

    All those questions you asked , I also thought about it… it’s scary but also please remember, If you hadn’t made that move to pursue your acting career, you would have wondered about it all the time. I’m happy you made that move.

    I’m also happy for making the move, and I know God will bless both our ventures!

    Hope I will see you on a TV series or Movie being one of the lead actors!

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