An Ashy Valentine’s Day

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Well, in case you were uncertain as to the relentless pace of time, allow me to be the first to remind you: Lent begins this week.

I know. I can’t believe it either. It feels like literally two days ago that we were ringing in 2018.

But yep – Ash Wednesday is here. And I’m personally blaming it on Apple and their freaking High Sierra Update that Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday fall on the same exact day.

Talk about bad timing.

America’s sweetheart holiday devoted to gorging on chocolate and strawberries, surreptitiously falling on a day of fasting and abstinence.

I think it’s Apple’s sneaky way of trying to undercut Amazon’s recent takeover of Whole Foods.

#ConspiracistAtHeart

But truthfully, this Lenten season is coming not a minute too soon.

This weekend was a mess of rain and humidity and grey skies here in Manhattan. Which admittedly, has been mirroring my spirit these last few weeks. Maybe you could tell – I hope not.

But last night at Mass, the “penny dropped” as my late acting teacher would say.

Sitting there, listening to the first reading about the man with leprosy, I realized that there were tears rolling down my cheek, and a lump had taken residence in my throat.

“The one who bears the sore of leprosy…shall cry out, “Unclean, unclean!”…He shall declare himself unclean, since he is in fact unclean. He shall dwell apart, making his abode outside the camp.” — LV 13: 44-46

Listening to that, I came to the stark realization, that is me.

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That is the lie I have been believing and living with: Living at arm’s length, because I do not believe I am worth loving.

I try so hard to put on a brave face and do and say the right thing, but when it comes right down to it, I still carry my brokenness, leftover from the anorexia in my past.

Listening to that reading, it was as though someone had taken the feelings I couldn’t put into words, and proclaimed them from the pulpit for all to hear.

Recovery is journey, ever evolving. And there are times when you’re on mountain tops and times when you’re hanging on by your fingernails. And for those with anorexia in their past, you can attest that the largest and most difficult aspect of recovery is not the weight. It’s not the food. Not the exercise, or the body image – although that is definitely a bear too. But it is the self worth. It is believing that you are worth love. And that is what has flared up here recently.

This story does not end here, though.

Last night, I dried my tears and was on high alert for the rest of Mass, knowing that God was going to “bring it home” for me one way or another. And the Father never fails.

Fast forward to the Gospel.

“A leper came to Jesus and kneeling down begged him and said, “If you wish, you can make me clean.” Moved with pity, Jesus stretched out His hand, touched him, and said to him, “I do will it. Be made clean.” The leprosy left him immediately, and he was made clean.” — MK 1:40

There’s so much talk about self-denial and penance and “giving up” this or that for Lent. And, yes, those things are fair and true.

But to me, Lent is about so much more than that. And frankly, so starkly different than the focus on penance and abstinence.

To me, Lent is one giant love letter. From Jesus to you and me.

It all simply comes down to one fact…what are we actually preparing for?

We’re preparing our hearts for the incredible offering of love that Jesus made on the Cross.

These 40 days leading up to it, are Jesus showing us the degree to which He loves us.

A message that, I, for one, desperately need to hear right now. And in return, it is an opportunity to reflect on, and actively participate in that love.

So leave it to God to use a message about freaking leprosy to romance my heart and express the love that He so longs to give to me, if only I ask for it.

God knew that I needed to hear it. And hand delivered it just in time for Valentine’s Day, no less.

So maybe it’s not such a big conspiracy that Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s Day fall on the same day. And in fact, the more I think about it, the more sense it actually makes.

The greatest “grand gesture” of love in the history of the world, contrary to popular belief, was not when John Cusack raised up the boombox in Say Anything…

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…but rather, when Jesus stretched out His arms for you and me.

That’s a Valentine.

That’s Jesus saying, “be made clean.”

I need to show Jesus my brokenness – show Him my wounds – and let Him touch them. Let Him cradle my heart in His hands and say, “I do will it. Be made clean.”

He can’t heal what I won’t give to Him.

This Lent, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

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248 thoughts on “An Ashy Valentine’s Day”

  1. Take a page from the Eastern church, in addition to fasting we are called upon to help others out. Volunteer at soup kitchens, meals-on-wheels, hospitals, donate to someone in real need. 40 days of Valentines for people you don’t know.

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  3. I love how God speaks and works in such ways as you describe here. The season of Lent was one that was extremely meaningful for me in my teenage years. I later went into a denomination that did not recognize it. Anything can be a mere ritual, and that is why some refrain from celebrating. Thank you for highlighting this meaningful season and reminding me of how God has used its lessons in my life!

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    1. Thanks Matthew. Yeah he is always whispering to us 🙂 it’s just getting to place where we are able and willing to listen. That’s what I always have to work on. Thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  4. You always have such a beautiful story to tell. I got chills reading this and looking at your picture. It’s hard to believe a woman like you feels unworthy. I can relate. I struggled with body issues my whole life, feeling super unattractive, and like nobody would want me. After I went on a diet, my body went into starvation mode and suffered all the effects of malnutrition (despite only restricting for a few months- I feel like such an idiot complaining because people go through anorexia and come out of it, yet here I am complaining and feeling like I wasn’t sick enough). It’s taking me so much time to recover. I felt so alone, and for the first time in my life, I felt like God wasn’t there for me. I’ve had minor health issues before, but never like that. I felt abandoned. I still have my doubts, but I’m trying so hard to hold on. It was all due to a lie that people like you and me: high-achievers, intelligent, disciplined, believed. The lie that we were never good enough. For the first time in my life, I told myself I was good enough. Never thought I would say that. I’m praying that my faith gets stronger through this ordeal.

    So sorry for the long rant. But you have no idea how much you inspire me and help me with your posts. God bless you Carolyn 🙂

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    1. Oh Tom thank you so much for this note of encouragement. And thank you for sharing part of your story. Im sorry that it hits so close to home for you. But I’m glad my post offered a little bit of light for you:) sending hugmungo hugs and lots of love xox

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  5. Pastor, wonderful writing, insights and sharing! File away for one of your Lenten sermons when you are preaching at your church. Your words ring out with truth for me. On my blog, I have shared the brokenness and feelings of being unworthy from depression. Different illnesses but nearly identical feelings for those who suffer from one or the other! I come to the Cross broken. Thank you ! Wander over to my blog, I think you might like my post, Need Is Need, I just posted tonight!

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    1. Thank you so much Rick. I’m so glad this resonated with you. You’re right – we can go to the cross just as we are and He will take us. Can’t wait to read your post! Hugs and love xox

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  6. A wonderful post Caralyn, thank you! This pulls at me because of the deep lonely-ness I’ve been through since the divorce. You are a great woman. ❤️

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    1. Hi John, thank you so much friend. I’m sorry you’ve been going through a challenging season. Hang in there. Know you’re in my prayers. Hugs and love xox

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  7. A very well said post. You are an amazing lady who is broken, but you have Jesus to love you. You are a very
    great and special lady to be loved. Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday.

    P.S. Did you know that Easter and April Fool’s Day is on the same day this year.

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  11. The greatest lover of all time is God. He sent His Son as a valentine to humanity locked in this blemished world. He loves you, and the rest of us love you too. Feel the love and move forward with a regained positive mind frame.:)

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  12. hey soul sister, over the last few days I have been repenting of word curses I have spoken over myself…some long ago. It is amazing how the Holy Spirit can remind us of things , defining things, we have said over our spirit, soul, and body…words that come straight from the accuser which at the time we are so smashed up we take on board and in agreement say them out loud. We are wounded yes…but we can take the word curse/vow/oath(Lev 5:4)to the Lord and repent of ever agreeing with it. The hidden forces attached to those words can then be told to leave for they have lost their authority(your words)to be there. Bless you with a big hug.

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  15. Anytime I get that feeling I have no worth…I look at a crucfix. Jesus went through all of that for us sinners. That’s why feelings of worthlessness are lies.

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  16. Many of you may or may not know why Lent begins this year of Valentine’s Day and this has not happen in over thirty years. The lent season last for 40 days which means Easter is April 1. The reason that the date is always different it is because Easter Sunday is celebrate the first Sunday after the full moon in spring, which means this year it is March 31 and the next day is Easter. Lent is a season that most Christian celebrate to focus on their walk with Christ many may choose to fasting during these days, spent more time in prayer and a time of meditation and repentance and other things to draw closer to Christ.

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  19. Another well written blog Caralyn. I can so relate to the love and self worth part. I feel at times that i’m not worthy of that but need to be more open to it. Today is Shrove Tuesday the last day of “fat eating” or “gorging” before the fasting period of Lent and lucky for me today is my birthday so i can really enjoy the day.xx

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    1. thank you so much Wilfred. I’m glad this hit home with you. and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! I hope you’v had a great day 🙂 big hugs xox

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  20. Dear sister, if I could fly out to New York to take you out for Valentine’s dinner I would. It’s those kinds of silly gestures from men that women need to believe in themselves.

    There are voices inside of us that torment us. I have struggled with my own, and Revelation 12:10 says even of the Most High, when the serpent is cast out of heaven:

    “For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
    who accuses them before our God day and night,
    has been hurled down.”

    Yes, even the Most High has devils whispering in His ear. He must hear them if He is to heal them.

    You identify so strongly with the voice of your accuser. Some people try to cast them out of their minds. But another way to address the challenge is to turn to the source and say “You know, you’ve got my attention, and I want you to know:

                         " JESUS LOVES YOU, TOO."

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    1. Hi Brian, thank you so much for this awesome encouragement. you’re so kind. and i love that plot twist – Jesus loves you too! yessss!! Hugs and love xox

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  21. My dear friend, It hurt to read those words tonight that you doubt your worth to be loved. I remember writing in Beauty and the Beast that I wanted to hold you protectively and kiss the top of your head. That fatherly feeling came back tonight.

    Can you understand that I am not the only one who sees you that way? I read comments from others, and I know they too care for you, love you, and wish the and pray for the best for you.

    I want to write something profound that might convince you of your worth, but I don’t know that is possible. I know that you’re on the right track in seeing the value Christ placed on you. I also know a small bit of your pain with regrets from my own past and understand the struggle to leave it behind.

    Light your candles. Turn off the lights. Be swaddled in the soft glow that holds back the too-close darkness. Maybe that can be a tangible symbol for you of exactly what God has done from you from the day you were freed from the demon, from the day your family rallied around you, because God’s love came to you through them.

    The darkness will always be close. God’s protective light will always be closer.

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    1. Hi Jeff, thank you friend. I do feel that fatherly compassion, and I am very grateful for it. Yes – I need to remember that feeling and relive that powerful episode when it finally broke through. that is feeling is just a glimpse of the incredible love He has for us. I love that last sentence – it brings so much comfort – God’s protective light will ALWAYS be closer. thanks so much for this wonderful note, Jeff. it really means a lot. big hugs to you and julie xo

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  22. This was an excellent post. You are not alone – we all to some extent feel unworthy of love, especially God’s. I truly believe that it is the most difficult lesson we have to learn as Christians. You were so brave to admit something that most of us find hard to admit, even to ourselves.

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    1. thanks so much friend. you’re absolutely right – that is the hardest and most important lesson to learn. big hugs to you xox

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    1. Oh thank you so much for this beautiful prayer, Teri. it really means a lot. you’re a blessing to me! Hugs and love xox

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  25. […] Beauty Beyond Bones is one of the few blogs I read–mostly because I get an email every time the author publishes. But it’s easy to proclaim a favorite when there aren’t many others for which I will sacrifice my time. For as long as I’ve been on this reflective journey as a blogger, her blog has caught my attention. I suppose it’s because her persona reminds me of someone who I once loved. I say this with no guilt, however. And that’s because I gave up guilt for lent nearly four years ago. […]

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  26. This is the first time Valentines day fell on Ash Wednesday. For single people, the lack of eros on that day can be crushing. However, did you know there are actually three saints named Valentines? Each of them did what they did because they also felt the agape love – a much purer, higher love of the soul.

    I truly love what you do to heal the broken people of the world who suffer disorders. Keep sharing the agape.

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    1. how interesting! I didn’t know that! thank you for sharing 🙂 i really appreciate your kind words 🙂 big hugs to you xox

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    1. Thanks friend. hahah – good to know. With the solar eclipse and all the craziness lately, i was beginning to wonder 🙂 haha jk jk Hugs and love xox

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  30. This brought a tear to my eyes. I still love the rituals of The Catholic Church, though I’m a bit fallen.
    My wound is different from yours. It is the wound if lost love and heartbreak that echos unworthiness in my brain, despite my bravado and the good face I put in my life. I think I’ll go to Mass this weekend. Thank you! You did what fine writers do; you moved me to action

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    1. Thank you so much Ellen, I appreciate your support and for sharing your heart. I’m so glad this resonated with you:) big hugs xox

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  32. Thank you for this post! I’m restarting my journey in faith this Lenten season and this was a great reminder that God loves me in my broke self. Thank you for the inspiration!

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  34. What an awesome testimony of personal faith in Jesus Christ! To God be the glory. I encourage you to remember, whenever you are feeling down, these faithful words: “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (1 Corinthians 5:17) God does not see you as a broken vessel, but as what you are in Jesus Christ, and what you shall be at His return.

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    1. Thank you so much Marcelo! I really appreciate this kind note 🙂 amen – God sees me for who i am in Christ. That’s such a powerful thing to remember. Thank you. Hugs and love xox

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  36. Oh, what truth you have written. The Valentine of Christ’s love for us is so much more than anything else here on earth. You are a child of God, you deserve love. You were created from His abiding love. Keep the faith girl!

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  39. Caralyn, I know that Lent is particularly meaningful for you. I think, from following your posts the past few months, you’ve expressed some pretty amazing highs and some struggles, which can lead to feeling a bit worn out. I love that in this post, you are finding the fact that Valentine’s and Ash Wednesday are on the same day means something significant from the One who loves you best. Keep trusting in the Lord.
    Jeremiah 17: 7 – 8 http://biblehub.com/jeremiah/17-8.htm

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    1. Oh Melissa, thank you so much for this beautiful note of encouragement. it really means a lot. Yes – He is so worth trusting. 🙂 so glad you stopped by. big hugs to you xox

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  42. This sermon touched me as well. Our priest emphasized the fact of Christ physically ‘touching’ the lepor, while minute, an ever important detail… and talked about how Jesus knows all about our unworthiness, our uncleanliness, and doesn’t care. He’s willing to hug it out, forgive, and bring salvation despite everything. That’s love right there.

    Hope you have a blessed Ash Wednesday and Valentines day 😉

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    1. thanks friend. yeah there’s something about touch that really makes one vulnerable. an important detail indeed. We have an incredible Father. big hugs to you xox

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  43. “…but rather, when Jesus stretched out His arms for you and me.

    That’s a Valentine.”

    I love how you put it this way. That’s indeed the truest and sincerest Valentine ever in the history. The forgiveness we received and making us new creations through His love is the most intimate expression of what love really is.

    Thank you for writing this, dear! Bless your heart 🙂

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  45. I pray you leave the Satanic Catholic Church 🙂 God bless, you don’t have to join a Church organisation to be saved. Catholic church only arose in 350AD.

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  46. The leper allegory fits well with addiction. Our society has so many ‘lepers’, and we can all forgive and recover with God’s grace. Merry Lenten.

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  47. So many of us are scared to let the world see our weaknesses, but that photo you put in your blog, it speaks so much truth! I know what it’s like to close yourself up so much, you don’t even know if you’re alive..so many people in the world have to know the beauty that comes from being vulnerable. Thank-you for this ENCOURAGING post. God Bless!

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  49. I loved this so much! I had a similar revelation not too long ago. It’s great to find someone who can relate to everything I’ve felt for so long. I wish you luck on your journey, and may God continue to open your eyes to the depth of his love. 🙂

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  50. “tout passe, tout lasse, tout casse.”

    Your story is your support, your armor. Put down your sword and stop fighting. Love. Is everywhere around you and you want nothing of it.

    Imagine if you were me. Then stop. You. Have it all. Enjoy it. Love. Is stupid. It will wait.

    The post war guys have dark days. Post war is different than Joe Schmoe crispy uniform. Dark days is what they call them. When they lock themselves away so, they don’t hurt anyone. I think, it’s so they don’t hurt in front of someone. I had my share. I got over it.

    There is something that keeps you in that moment though. Like a song on repeat. The barrier to intimacy or emotional connections. It’s not something you carve away it is kneaded into you like bread dough. Hence, the contradiction. I say, bake the loaf. Make some croutons. Give it to the birds. Let them drop your problems on happy loving couples this Valentines.

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    1. Bake the loaf. Such a funny image but it seriously hit home and resonated with me. Thank you Kenzie. Hugs and love xox

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      3. Although. If I was twelve years younger. I would bother you in New York. Get shot down then. Go to my bookstores. I’m happy to know that you will find someone and create your own happiness someday.

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