An Ashy Valentine’s Day

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Well, in case you were uncertain as to the relentless pace of time, allow me to be the first to remind you: Lent begins this week.

I know. I can’t believe it either. It feels like literally two days ago that we were ringing in 2018.

But yep – Ash Wednesday is here. And I’m personally blaming it on Apple and their freaking High Sierra Update that Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday fall on the same exact day.

Talk about bad timing.

America’s sweetheart holiday devoted to gorging on chocolate and strawberries, surreptitiously falling on a day of fasting and abstinence.

I think it’s Apple’s sneaky way of trying to undercut Amazon’s recent takeover of Whole Foods.

#ConspiracistAtHeart

But truthfully, this Lenten season is coming not a minute too soon.

This weekend was a mess of rain and humidity and grey skies here in Manhattan. Which admittedly, has been mirroring my spirit these last few weeks. Maybe you could tell – I hope not.

But last night at Mass, the “penny dropped” as my late acting teacher would say.

Sitting there, listening to the first reading about the man with leprosy, I realized that there were tears rolling down my cheek, and a lump had taken residence in my throat.

“The one who bears the sore of leprosy…shall cry out, “Unclean, unclean!”…He shall declare himself unclean, since he is in fact unclean. He shall dwell apart, making his abode outside the camp.” — LV 13: 44-46

Listening to that, I came to the stark realization, that is me.

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That is the lie I have been believing and living with: Living at arm’s length, because I do not believe I am worth loving.

I try so hard to put on a brave face and do and say the right thing, but when it comes right down to it, I still carry my brokenness, leftover from the anorexia in my past.

Listening to that reading, it was as though someone had taken the feelings I couldn’t put into words, and proclaimed them from the pulpit for all to hear.

Recovery is journey, ever evolving. And there are times when you’re on mountain tops and times when you’re hanging on by your fingernails. And for those with anorexia in their past, you can attest that the largest and most difficult aspect of recovery is not the weight. It’s not the food. Not the exercise, or the body image – although that is definitely a bear too. But it is the self worth. It is believing that you are worth love. And that is what has flared up here recently.

This story does not end here, though.

Last night, I dried my tears and was on high alert for the rest of Mass, knowing that God was going to “bring it home” for me one way or another. And the Father never fails.

Fast forward to the Gospel.

“A leper came to Jesus and kneeling down begged him and said, “If you wish, you can make me clean.” Moved with pity, Jesus stretched out His hand, touched him, and said to him, “I do will it. Be made clean.” The leprosy left him immediately, and he was made clean.” — MK 1:40

There’s so much talk about self-denial and penance and “giving up” this or that for Lent. And, yes, those things are fair and true.

But to me, Lent is about so much more than that. And frankly, so starkly different than the focus on penance and abstinence.

To me, Lent is one giant love letter. From Jesus to you and me.

It all simply comes down to one fact…what are we actually preparing for?

We’re preparing our hearts for the incredible offering of love that Jesus made on the Cross.

These 40 days leading up to it, are Jesus showing us the degree to which He loves us.

A message that, I, for one, desperately need to hear right now. And in return, it is an opportunity to reflect on, and actively participate in that love.

So leave it to God to use a message about freaking leprosy to romance my heart and express the love that He so longs to give to me, if only I ask for it.

God knew that I needed to hear it. And hand delivered it just in time for Valentine’s Day, no less.

So maybe it’s not such a big conspiracy that Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s Day fall on the same day. And in fact, the more I think about it, the more sense it actually makes.

The greatest “grand gesture” of love in the history of the world, contrary to popular belief, was not when John Cusack raised up the boombox in Say Anything…

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…but rather, when Jesus stretched out His arms for you and me.

That’s a Valentine.

That’s Jesus saying, “be made clean.”

I need to show Jesus my brokenness – show Him my wounds – and let Him touch them. Let Him cradle my heart in His hands and say, “I do will it. Be made clean.”

He can’t heal what I won’t give to Him.

This Lent, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

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248 thoughts on “An Ashy Valentine’s Day”

  4. Wow. A lot of emotion in your blog today. Very well thought out. It will definitely make ones eye leak. I am truly speechless. You are in my prayers and thoughts. Thanks so much for sharing and God bless you young lady. So moving. Dad gum I am still speechless. A big hug your way.

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  5. Beautiful. I understand that feeling of not having worth. I’ve wrestled with it my whole life. As a mom, the pressure increases to be the perfect mother while also looking perfect. I appreciate the song “The Voice of Truth” by Casting Crowns because it reminds me that God is my strength and He considers me valuable. After all, it’s His opinion that matters most.

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    • I need to show Jesus my brokenness – show Him my wounds – and let Him touch them. Let Him cradle my heart in His hands and say, “I do will it. Be made clean.”

    He can’t heal what I won’t give to Him.

    This Lent, that’s exactly what I’ll do. –

    At a Christian retreat I took part in a soaking session. Dim lighting soothing music. I preferred laying on the floor with my legs up on a chair. A pastor rested his hand on my chest and spoke a single word, forgiveness. Soon after I had a vision. Above me was a photo album. I reached to touch it, and discovered I could touch it. I fanned to the left, the pages turned forward in time. Fanning to the right I went back in time. The life photos, and sometimes short videos were of my alcoholic progression. It was awesome. I preferred swiping to the right. A more innocent time.

    I forgave myself that night.
    With Joy,
    Dan

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  7. One of the reasons I switched to Unitarian Christianity is the endless guilt-tripping too many so-called Christian churches inflict upon congregations. Humans are neither inherently good or inherently evil. We learn to be good or evil through our upbringing and through our life’s experiences. God gave us free will that we might use it, and telling us we are inherently sinful denies the gift God gave us to make our own decisions. Naturally, with free will comes consequences for the choices we make. That’s the price we pay for making bad ones, but even there we are given the ability to learn from our mistakes, another of God’s gifts.

    The point I’m trying to make is that you don’t have to let yourself continue to be convinced that you were born sinful and therefore inherently unlovable until you meet certain preconditions. You are loved whether you realize it or not, and you are loved because you choose to do good and to help others learn and grow from your experiences, and yes, the mistakes you’ve made in life. God gave you the gifts of free will and the ability to grow in mind and spirit, and you’re using those gifts as He intended. There’s no reason for you to feel guilty or unworthy. Regret? We all have regrets, things we’d take back in a heartbeat if we could. But we can’t, so all any of us can do is try to learn the right lessons and apply the knowledge we gain in order to correct our mistakes and better ourselves.

    If Jesus’ teachings demonstrate anything, it’s that we are loved no matter what, warts and all, and we are judged according to how we treat others. You are kind and compassionate and you do your best to help those who are in need of help. I can’t believe your kindness and compassion, your gentle spirit, are corrupt, because you show by your words and your actions that the opposite is true. So don’t beat yourself up so much. Learn to love yourself more, as you love others, and you will find your love returned many times over.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts Michael. That’s so true – we are loved warts and all. Thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  8. The first message in the series I’m a part of at the congregation I serve is “The Forgiveness of Sins.” That’s what I’ll be preaching on tomorrow (Ash Wednesday). I’m excited to BEGIN Lent by talking about the forgiveness Jesus gives us.

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  11. Thank you for sharing your heart! I’m grateful that God’s voice shouting “I love you” drowns out my voice when it cries out “unworthy.”

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  13. Wow. This is so powerful. Thank you. I really needed to hear this message. Time. Relentless pace and all. Is interesting. Our Lord and Savior is constantly speaking to us and telling us what we need to hear if only we open up our hearts and minds to listen to it. ❤ Oh man and self worth. Preach. Let us go all Brene Brown please. Sharing this post because I love it so much.

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  15. Where is the love button for this post!?

    The readings this past weekends made me get teary- eyed as well since just like you, I heard them as a message from God directly to me. I had a knot in my throat the whole time, and wanted to cry from how beautiful the homily was. It’s a blessing that Valentine’s day falls on Ash Wednesday, since it gives us a chance to be with the best Valentine we can ask for. Come Wednesday, I will go to mass and will also stop by the adoration chapel. ❤
    May God continue to bless you

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    1. Aww thank you so much Martha! What a kind note of encouragement. God bless you as well my friend. Hugs and love xox

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  16. God bless you! I appreciate the courage it takes to post yourself in this way and pray you do too. Jesus is using your tears to wash away the pain others have tried to keep hidden.

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  18. I love how you juxtaposed Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s. It is such an inspired serendipity. Goes to show how God can create a marvel such a humans are from dust. Yes, Lent is about the greatest love story of all time. Oh happy fault to merit a Savior.

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  20. What a day(Valentine’s Day) to begin a season of reflection (lent ) what an uncanny reminder of the fathers love for us and what he asks of us in return! Be blessed sister❤️

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  23. I love this post 🙂 You are absolutely right about recovery from an eating disorder being about recovering a sense of being worthy of love. I am finally working on that this time around and the message of Jesus’s love for each of us is really helping me. It is wonderful to read your words. I hadn’t realised that Valentine’s Day was on Ash Wednesday this year! Lent makes me nervous because of my history of anorexia and the focus on fasting and giving things up… or taking up ‘healthy’ pursuits… I’ve been wondering what I will do for Lent this year and I think I will commit to writing a body positivity poem each day ! I’m trying to remember to see myself as made in God’s image xo you are wonderful ! keep shining xo Em

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    1. Aw thank you so much Em! Yeah His love definitely has seen me through my recovery. That’s an awesome Indra for lent! Hugs and love xox

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  26. Wow Caralyn, your post seems to do the same thing with me 😂 been struggling very hard past few weeks, depression has been giving me a lot of cheap shots 😩 happy valentine’s day for tomorrow, loved to meet the lucky fella who gets to be your valentine (I’m sure you would love to meet him too 😂) 😍❤️❤️❤️💌 what are you giving up for Lent?

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    1. Aw thank you Benny. I’m so glad it resonated with you 🙂 happy Valentine’s Day to you too! Not sure yet. Maybe trying to go to daily mass?

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      1. Wow daily mass 😱 haven’t been to church in a few weeks (I nearly said mass 😂 I’m not Catholic (don’t judge 😂) born into a Methodist church, grew up mostly Methodist/Anglican now with a non-denominal church

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  28. Loved this post! I didn’t truly understand Lent until this past weekend’s mass. Or I suppose I did, but it didn’t hit home for me in the way that it did this weekend. So glad someone else felt the same!

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  29. Yes!! So well said, Caralyn. He makes us clean and whole. Your post made me think of this amazing song we started doing at my church recently so I figured I’d share it with you at the end of this post. It’s really powerful and I so needed to hear it when we started doing it. Anyway, I think it fits well with what you’ve written in this post. His redemption in your life has made you worth loving. It’s something I need to remind myself of, too.

    Have a great night, friend! I appreciate you and your continuing to be open and share what’s on your heart. – Joe

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  31. “That is the lie I have been believing and living with: Living at arm’s length, because I do not believe I am worth loving.” When you wrote these words it almost made me cry. You are most certainly worth living. God created you like anyone else, in His image. He would not have done this if you were “not worth living”.
    Your impact on people, me included, is so profound that it cannot be measured. Don’t ever forget that or let anyone tell you differently.

    Love,
    Jim

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    1. Hey Jim, thank you so much for sharing your heart on this. I’m so glad it resonated with you. I am truly touched by your beyond kind words. big big big hugs to you xox

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  32. So you’ve been feeling gloomy and dank like the weather the last few weeks? I thought something was up but then I wondered if it was just me. I’m glad that’s starting to turn around for you. And once again, I want to hug you. I think we all feel like lepers sometimes – unwanted, unloved, unworthy, unclean. But if we can feel Jesus stepping in and touching us and saying, “Be clean,” it’s such a beautiful feeling it was almost worth going through the crap to get there. And that which God has made clean, do not call unclean.
    Now in case anyone hasn’t already suggested it, how about for Lent give up being “unworthy”?

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    1. Thank you for the hug David and for you wonderfully affirming words. It really means a lot. Sending you a big hug too. Xox

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  34. Thank you for this. I am a domestic violence survivor. And even though I am now happily married there are times when I question my self worth. The negative emotions from years past like to find their way into my present from time to time. Thank you for the reminder that God does think I’m enough just as I am. I am thankful to have my place in HIStory.

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    1. Hi Crystal, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. Know that you are in my heart and prayers. Yes – you are enough – amen to that! Hugs and love xox

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  36. As I get older I realize everybody is carrying something. Some cross… some hurt. That’s why we have the phrase “can’t find the one that hurts.” Sadly, some guys and I guess gals use that to try to prey on and manupiulate others. Youve probably seen it in bars.

    Hmm. How did I get here?

    Anyhow, glad you get the true message of the liturgical year. I agree. It’s not about the externals so much as how we relate to Jesus’ entire life, death and ressurenction. And I think it’s great that you’re looking at yourself so honestly rather than just playing out the stuff, as so many people do.

    All the best for ASH / Valentine’s Day. 🙂

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    1. Thanks so much for this powerful reflection Michael. Yes – we are all on the journey together, each carrying our own baggage. But it’s better together 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  37. Thanks for sharing that. It’s wonderful how God is speaking to you. It is not in our perfection but in our brokeness that we draw close to Him. Though so tough to go through it’s easy to see browsing through your comments section that it had borne tremendous fruit in the lives of others.

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    1. Yes! I always go to usccb.org and get their daily mass readings. There’s also an app called Laudate that gives the daily readings and a reflection. Hope that helps! Hugs and love xox

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  45. Well said.

    Every gift reveals God’s love… but no gift reveals His love more than the gifts of the Cross. They came, not wrapped in paper, but in passion. Not placed around a tree, but a Cross. And not covered with ribbons, but sprinkled with blood. Much has been said about the gift of the Cross itself, but what of the other gifts? What of the nails, the crown of thorns? The garments taken by the soldiers? The garments given for the burial? Have you taken time to open these gifts? He didn’t have to give them, you know. The only act, the only required act for our salvation was the shedding of blood, yet He did much more. So much more. Search the scene of the cross, and what do you find? A wine-soaked sponge. A sign. Two crosses beside Christ. Divine gifts intended to stir that moment, that split second when your face will brighten, your eyes will widen, and God will hear you whisper, “You did this for me?”

    The gifts of the Cross.

    The diadem of pain

    which sliced your gentle face,

    three spikes piercing flesh and wood

    to hold you in your place.

    The need for blood I understand.

    Your sacrifice I embrace.

    But the bitter sponge, the cutting spear,

    the spit upon your face?

    Did it have to be a Cross?

    Did not a kinder death exist

    than six hours hanging between life and death,

    all spurred by a betrayer’s kiss?

    “Oh, Father,” you pose,

    heart-stilled at what could be,

    “I’m sorry to ask, but I long to know,

    did You do this for me?”

    —Max Lucado from “He Chose the Nails”

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  49. Your writing on the Church is incredibly introspective and crazy good 🙂 I blame you for giving me that last shove to go to Mass more consistently 😛

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