My Unseen Recovery

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First of all: to the person who used my Amazon link to order a pair of pizza socks that literally comes in their own miniature cardboard pizza box….a) Can we be friends? b) You’re winning at life. And C) Thank you for using my link! 🙂

OK, so real talk: this was a tough weekend for America.

We’re losing miserably at the Olympics. Facebook is a dumpster fire of people soapboxing about guns. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theurox split up. Kids are staging a school walk out protest. And to top it off, the weather is having an anxiety attack, much like us – with snow storms one day, followed by 75 degrees the next day. Basically, we’re all a little on edge.

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At least Kylie’s pregnancy rumors have been put to rest.

But I wanted to just take a little breather tonight, and perhaps go in a different direction than I had planned.

This post is for a very special reader — you know who you are.

Sometimes we wake up one morning, and struggle to comprehend how we got to where we are right now.

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There are a lot of things about my recovery that I don’t share about on here. Hard to believe, I know…I mean, everything from my virginity, to my love life, to my failures, politics, and even reproductive health! – have been fair game thus far…But there are parts of my recovery that I never really talk about.

And mainly because it involves a lot of sadness for me.

One of the most challenging aspects of my recovery has been mourning the loss of time.

Grieving for the adolescence I never had. For the vibrant girl who never got to laugh and dance and love and fall and get up and bloom. I had to mourn that loss. Mourn the life I didn’t get to live during my eating disorder.

 

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Right before I developed anorexia

The fact is, I spent a good four or five years enslaved to my anorexia, and then directly followed by another year on bedrest for my ulcerative colitis. So close to six years during my formative years – was spent not living.

Instead of growing into the young woman I was supposed to be, and pursuing my dreams, setting goals, making friends, having fun – I was chained to my eating schedule and excessive exercise regime. Crippled with obsession about food, yet avoiding it at all costs, no matter the social or bodily implication. There was no life – From the panicked moment my eyes snapped opened in the morning to the anxious collapse at the end of the day. Never a moment of peace. For six years.

One of the biggest challenges for me, today – healthy and whole – is coming to terms with that time I can never get back. And accepting the loss of that pivotal time in my life.

Truthfully, if I spend a lot of time thinking about it, I can still feel my chest tighten in anger. But I rest in the hope of something that is bigger and greater than me. I have to. It is the only way to cope.

I have to trust that God is in control. I just have to. I have to believe that God will not let that strife be for naught.

And I have to believe that I still have something to offer. That He has something planned for me to do. Some way to use that darkness for light. Letting it not have been in vain.

That is why this blog came to be. That why I wrote my book. Laying it all out there with the hopes of offering encouragement to people with all types of adversity in their lives – including eating disorders.

I know that God will use my painful season for good. That is who our God is. That is how He operates. Time and time again, He demonstrates that — including with His own Son.

How easily we forget or gloss over the fact that for forty days — forty days— Jesus — God’s Son — was left alone in the desert to be tempted by satan. I mean, that is outrageous. First of all, I can’t imagine the will power it must have taken for God not to just swoop down and save His Son. But also – I can’t imagine how alone Jesus must have felt.

It is one of those situations from the Bible that is truly impossible to fully comprehend.

But if there’s one thing that shows, it’s that “desert periods” will occur in life. We will go through the desert. We will feel alone. And forgotten. Maybe inadequate. Possibly despairing. But our suffering doesn’t negate the Father’s love, as hard as that is to believe. And when we find ourselves in the middle of that desert, it’s even harder to believe that one day, we will ever be whole, or useful, or thriving again.

It turns out that Jesus’s “desert period” was simply the overture before the symphony. It was leading up to the purpose of His life.

He was never forgotten. He was being formed.

I still carry a lot of shame and feelings of inadequacy – believing that because of my past, I am broken or less than. But the truth is, God takes all things that are broken and makes them new. He turns the dust into clay, and that clay into beautiful masterpieces.

Lord, help me to believe that. 

Help me see the work you are doing in me.

And may you feel His hands forming you. too.

 

***THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS ORDERED MY BOOKS, BLOOM: A JOURNAL BY BEAUTYBEYONDBONES AND “MY BLOGGING TIPS“***

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

323 thoughts on “My Unseen Recovery”

  1. I don’t technically know you but you share your heart so openly and beautifully, I feel like I do and I just plain love you! I too had years of my life lost to darkness and bondage and have struggled to reconcile that. But I’m coming to see more every year how he restores all the loss beyond anything I could have imagined. And what he has imparted along the way is so much sweeter and richer than having walked the “right” path in the first place. So let’s just keep shaking off the regret and walking forward in hope. It’s gonna be good!

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    1. Oh Kara thank you so much for sharing your heart and your story. Amen – He restores and gives us new life. I really appreciate your kind words. Hugs and love xox

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  2. I must say, I was taken back by this post. I want to encourage you and say you are doing the work of God as you use your blog platform. I will testify that you just stopped a very dangerous disorder in the making. God led me to this post, for sure. There was a monster living inside of me. My very own deep insecurities. I never truly loved myself. As a sidenote, I feel like anyone who reads this comment will find freedom, men to be specific. Men are not typical of expressing insecurities regarding self image, but I will not be that statistic. A deep disorder was brewing on the inside of me and I didn’t even notice it. I was bound by the feeling of wanting to be like the other muscular and buff men on t.v and in the magazines. I spent time, narcissistic time, searching for the right body imagine, lusting after the perfect abs and biceps. Any man that had a chisseld body made me feel low and nothing. This didn’t work out for me. I was never really pleased with my results. I didn’t receive a great trophy, only the profound revelation that I would never, ever be pleased. I reverted to veganism. Maybe, I needed to get smaller. Maybe, I was lusting after the wrong thing. Every man who had a lean, slim body made me feel fat and gross. I was stuck in a deep insecurity. I ran five miles a day endlessly, at times I didn’t even eat. I achevied the weight I wanted. My body was slim, but i thought i was skin and bones. The mirror lied to me, or maybe it was speaking too me, to let me know I was going down a path of slavery and brokenness. I was. Today, I came across your post. I hadn’t been on my regiment for months, I weigh more than I ever have in my life, and today was the most unproductive workout ever. I made up in my mind that I was going to become a vegan, skip meals, and run my heart out. Your post spoke to me. God spoke to me. You stopped a disorder in its tracks.. God did. God used you. I will be comfortable with myself. I will love myself. I will be smart and healthy with my body. I will appreciate the body God gave me. Thank You. No more narcissism.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your honesty definitely took a lot of courage. I’m so glad this hit home with you in that way. That humbled me and is making me get choked up. Thank you. Yes! You deserve that love and comfort and peace. Sending so many hugs and lots of love xox

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  4. I do tend to check the weather back in the northeast. I don’t miss that one bit. That being said, it’s a bit chilly tonight in LA. Down to 47. Back in the 60’s tomorrow. No snow though. We’re desperately in need of rain.

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  5. What an incredible moment, Caralyn, to see you take your darkest hours and to shine light on them in the expectation that they would bring hope to another. I pray that they find strength in your strength, and see the light of their own future healing calling them forward.

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  8. First of all, I am catching up on reading as I can but still am loving you, dear beautiful friend. Secondly, I believe I would have rather missed adolescence, and I am sure it is more the option you missed, the realm of possibilities than the actual awkward probability, I say tongue in cheek, but it is true for me. However, I feel your loss because you feel that loss and that is how I roll now and I love you the more for voicing it. And you totally rock too, just saying. God has taken the brokenness of missing years and HAS made you extraordinarily amazing and strong as is, fully human, fully alive, beautiful. You could have gone through all that and been bitter but God perfected you through it instead. You are a living testimony to His greatness, which is pretty great. XO❤

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    1. Hi Tonya! Oh thank you so much 🙂 I am seriously so touched and humbled by your kind words. God is definitely amazing and I pray to be used by Him. Hugs and love xox

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  9. What a wonderful witness you are and what a powerful testimony. I know you’ve liked a couple of my posts on my journey of self discovery the opposite way, overeating, but I know having been on the cycle of diets the obsession with food when you’re abstaining that you talk about. God bless you and its wonderful to hear your faith allow Him to let His plan for you unfold.

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  10. Caralyn, you have an amazing story. Going through a living hell and coming through it, knowing that God loves you. There are many that never come back. Your struggles have helped make you into a compassionate, beautiful woman who encourages others. If we were all honest, we would all like to go back and make different decisions. However, the hardship of missed carefree youth, has formed you into someone who feels others’ pain and encourages. The best for you is ahead of you. You are living life better and will enjoy the goodness of God in all areas of your life. Abundant blessings and dreams fulfilled to you! xoxoxox

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    1. Hi friend, gosh i am so touched by this. Thank you. I do believe that He has something in store for me. Hugs and love xox

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  12. I also deeply mourn the childhood (all of high school) I lost to my anorexia. It deeply affects me to this day, because I missed out on social norms and cues and fun and laughter and JOY and thoughts that weren’t preoccupied by food or weight or exercise or size or my body. thanks for sharing your experience of this too x

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    1. Hi Rosie, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry this hits so close to home. The beautiful thing is that we have all those things to cherish now 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  13. Because of your lost time Caralyn, you are able now to pay forward and speak to so many people with an incredible self-awareness and empathy to the human condition, which uplifts us and gives us perspective on the challenges we face. God has his hand on you in a very special way and his love shines through you to light the way for others. And he has not forgotten your dreams; he will bring them to fruition in ways you could not imagine. Thank you for your humility, your honesty and your courage. Stay strong for all of us.

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    1. Hi Andrew, thank you for this wonderful encouragement. I am so touched by your kindness. I do believe He will have something good in store for me 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  14. Thank you so much for sharing this. The struggle of “lost time” definitely resonates with me. I’m in my mid-twenties, but the older I get, the more I question whether I’m living purposefully. Those years we can never get back are still experience. It’s what we do moving forward that matters ❤

    • Katie

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    1. Hi Katie, thank you so much for sharing your heart and for your kind words. Amen – moving forward! Hugs and love xox

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  16. Some will never recover. From depression, addictions, alcoholism, failed marriages….just know you were graced and healed by God. And move on. No point dwelling on ‘lost time/youth’. Move on. Whats to be sad about when you have been healed and can ‘pay it forward’ with your experience?

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    1. Thank you Jeanne. Yes, I am definitely very grateful for the healing God has worked in my life. Move on – that’s great advice. Hugs and love xox

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  18. That time was not lost. It was used to form the person you are now. Only by coming through the fire can we help others who are lost in it. Your experience was the refining fire that God uses. That time was not lost! Suzanne

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  20. Seeing your words about “desert periods” spoke to me. It makes sense now. I’ve been in a drought, particularly with my job. However, I’m pretty sure I’m trekking toward an oasis – I have a job interview with a local law firm tomorrow night! My motivation and drive have reappeared. I’m still really nervous, but I know I have God, my husband, my parents, and so many others in my corner!! You are a blessing to me, Caralyn, and so many others!

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    1. Thanks Laura Beth. I’m so glad this resonated with you. I’m so glad you have such a great support system! Let’s keep trekking towards that oasis! Sending big hugs xox

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  21. I just love your transparency… and openness! I’m sure you know this… you are a lifeline for so many who are broken and hurting. Something you could not have been if you hadn’t experienced your years of brokenness. God has redeemed, in you, what the enemy meant for destruction. You are not only an inspiration… you are a beacon of the hope we all need to find. There are many more broken people in this world than the “well-adjusted.” It is people like you that God uses to point to His grace, mercy and love. Your whole life is a testimony of His ability “to cause all things to work together for good.” M. A.

    P.S. If you haven’t heard of Jason Gray, his ministry in music is often focused on how God uses the broken to bring people to wholeness… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l26UoD-N2hA

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    1. Thank you so much friend 🙂 gosh what a kind thing to say. I am truly touched and humbled. I’ll def check out Jason! Hugs and love xox

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  22. When I was younger, I stood up at church camp in front of a bunch of teenagers to talk about the challenges I had faced. I talked about my eating disorder and depression and how God had changed my life. When I sat down another girl stood up to speak. She said that because I had the strength to stand up and talk that she could do it to. I became friends with that girl and we supported each other through our journey.

    This is how I know that God has a plan for those of us who had to suffer. Some people have to go through hard times so that we can guide others.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story.

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    1. Thank you so much Bianca for sharing your story. What a gift you were to those kids at camp. So powerful. Thank you for your encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  23. Great post. Have gone through a lot of the comments and I’m comforted in being reminded that we’re all human beings going through more or less the same experiences. I read a quote once that said ‘ life is not meant for winning or achieving things, but just for living’. So you went through a bad phase and now you’re in a better phase, but its all just living. I like this quote from Ecclesiastes:

    Ecclesiastes 7:14 When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other.

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    1. Thank you so much friend. That’s so true – we’re all in this together. Thanks for sharing this encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  24. Caralyn, you have your whole life in front of you. Try not to dwell on what has passed, but use it, as you are, to form your future. Your past may define you, and change you in many ways, but you can use it to give hope to others suffering as you did. You have a purpose in life, your blog posts are inspirational – look how many comments this one has raised (I haven’t read them all yet). My advice to you would be ‘look forward, not backwards’!

    Lots of curved balls in life mean that we all change our course throughout our lifetime. I never expected to get advanced cancer in my (late!) 50s and it has changed my life; but not in a bad way. Many aspects of my life are better now than before my diagnosis (which is a strange outlook I know). I have met wonderful, caring people and am trying to do my bit to help support others in my situation and raise awareness of bowel cancer.

    Maybe we have to experience the bad times in order to appreciate all that is good in the world?

    Gill xx

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    1. Oh Gill thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. That’s so true – gotta look forward! I’m so glad you’ve found that silver lining in your own life! Praise God! Hugs and love xox

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  25. The time you felt was lost wasn’t in fact lost. It was preparing you for this very moment where you would be able to impact the lives of so many with your powerful testimony of the grace of our wonderful God! He’s amazing and so are you! xo

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  26. Well said.
    One thing you wrote was, “And I have to believe that I still have something to offer. That He has something planned for me to do. Some way to use that darkness for light. Letting it not have been in vain.”
    It’s happening right now.
    I hope today you remember that you matter, you make a difference, and you are valued and appreciated just as you are.

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  27. You know it’s funny, I don’t think we really have anything in common from most points of view. I’m not even Catholic. But somehow I really enjoy this blog. I guess the truth behind it is what makes the connection. Just a thought.

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    1. Aw thank you so much! I’m so glad that you enjoy my blog! So true – connection for sure 🙂 big hugs to you xox

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  30. I can so relate as my son lost that time and had similar feelings! I would add from the perspective of a mom that the rest of us were robbed of time as well; we were also robbed, by the eating disorder, of the boy we knew so well. We grieved for him and with him and our faith is what got us through. Beautiful post!

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    1. thanks ou so much for sharing your story, Christina. I’m sorry this hit so close to home. that’s very true – the ED impacts everyone, not just the sufferer. Thanks for sharing this powerful perspective. Hugs and love xox

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  31. It’s hard to lose a big chunk of your life to mental illness. I can relate to your post. I feel like I have lost most of my life to it. The clay metaphor is very inspiring.

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    1. thank you friend, i’m so glad you enjoyed the clay metaphor. i’m sorry this hits so close to home. amen – we can be made new 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  35. “I still carry a lot of shame and feelings of inadequacy – believing that because of my past, I am broken or less than. But the truth is, God takes all things that are broken and makes them new. He turns the dust into clay, and that clay into beautiful masterpieces.” —superbly said. You’re right. We can’t get the time back we lost spent in our addictions–whatever they may be–but we don’t have to let them rob us of the present or keep us from what God has in store for us in the future. Great post.

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  40. I know what you mean about mourning time you have lost. I married my husband when I was 22 and we decided to start a family at 23. I couldn’t fall pregnant. We suffer from unexplained infertility and tried for 10 years, relentlessly. I dreamed, breathed, lived for being pregnant. I never made a decision without considering how it will effect me if I fell pregnant. Even something simple as buying a top… will it be big enough if I was 4 months pregnant. I think at some stage I actually didn’t even care about having the actual baby. I just wanted to be pregnant. I even bargained with God… let me be pregnant this time, just so I know I can get pregnant, even if You take it away again. I was depressed, sad and in the darkest place I’ve ever been. It took a move to another country to make the decision to actually live. There is more to life. I’m over my obsession – that took many years too, but I’m sad for those years I lost where other people had fun and enjoy life, that I wasted. I cheated myself and sometimes still struggle with myself. Good luck with your journey. You are so brave and an inspiration!

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    1. Hi Lelanie, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with infertility. I will definitely keep you and your husband in my prayers. I’m glad you’ve embraced this new life. You past has formed the beautiful woman you are today. thanks again for this incredible encouragement. big hugs to you xox

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  41. First of all our promised threescore years and ten are just a blip in universal time. There is an eternity promised to us if we care to believe that and choose that. So our blip in time permitted is for a purpose. We have the opportunity to defend God’s principles of fairness, justice and love before a world choosing to go in the other direction. In the process we can be vessels used for God’s purpose, not ours. He allows us to go through trials of our choosing because coming out of it we can be helpful to others who are trying to do that but need a confidence boost and a helping hand. You have a God given talent coming from real experience people can relate to. Don’t waste your time looking back because that’s what the devil wants you to do so you become discouraged and give up trying. Your usefulness to others will be destroyed if you give up. Look at the bright future in eternity promised to you if you hang in and do what God has assigned you to do through your blog and books. 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much Ian. Amen – I pray to be His vessel. So much powerful food for thought here. Thanks friend. You’re a blessing to me. Hugs and love xox

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  43. A while back, I was going to ask you about what you just wrote. I had read many of your posts, but not all and was not sure if you addressed your pain of your anorexia. Just so you know, your BLOG inspired me to reveal more of myself in my blog. It was to me coming to terms with me, where I am at, revamping my life and where I was going, or more truthfully, give myself time to listen to God and his plans for me. I still am not clear no his plan, but I trust in him. What is interesting is your blog here coincides with my post, what our Pastor spoke about last Sunday and then I heard the one minute Pastor on the radio saying something of the same too. I think that connects us 🙂 As in the short story “Full Disclosure”, I have decided not to hide the things of my past which in truth got me to where i am. I don’t want to have to convince people of why, how or other. The pain of the past is sometimes not the past but acknowledging it and not allowing it to belittle us into something we are not. Which in a way determines who you want to be friends with, you want someone not to buy into the exterior you, but the inner you, the one that struggles, the one that needs support, love, hugs, kind words and let’s you be you.

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    1. Wow this is such a touching response. Thank you so much friend. I’m so glad that my blog has resonated with you. I think that connects us too 🙂 amen to that – the inner you! Sending big big hugs xox

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      1. When you trust someone with your pain, your inner you and they treat you as whole, that’s like falling backwards blindfolded knowing they will be there – always. They are the cast to your broken arm, the hug to your wounded heart.

        Sending you big bear hugs, the good ones, you know, the type when you can feel the others heart beat.

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  44. “I know that God will use my painful season for good. That is who our God is. That is how He operates. Time and time again, He demonstrates that — including with His own Son.” These are your words, not mine, or those of some other famous and wise philosopher. You had a season of pain and sorrow and, whether it was your own doing or that of someone else’s is not relevant.
    Look to the Bible. Noah was 500 before he was given instructions to build the ark. It took him another 100 years to build it. Granted, he lived another 350 after the flood, but by comparison, he had spent most of his life before the one event that would save mankind.
    Abraham was 100 before he would become the father of Isaac, the son he had been promised would be the first of the children of Israel.
    Let’s not forget Jesus, Himself. While much younger, at 30, He would only live another three years ministering, yet would impact the world in ways that no one else could.
    The time you spent in this darkness cannot be gotten back. If there were, in fact, things that you did intentionally that robbed you of this time, I am asking you to do something that is harder to do than probably anything else we are ever asked to do, even as Christians; forgive yourself. The Bible is full of lessons about forgiveness ranging from the forgiveness God offers us to how we are to forgive others. Take a moment now and think about that. If a holy and righteous God has forgiven you, (and He has), yet you have not forgiven yourself, aren’t you in essence telling God that you have such special sins that you don’t deserve forgiveness or that even the blood of Jesus cannot wash them clean? I don’t think you would mean to say or believe that.
    If you are afraid of the time lost because of the opportunities lost, don’t do what I did when I came out of my addiction and figured, “Now that I’ve missed all those years, I have to work double time to make it up”, because in doing this, I made other people sacrifice by neglecting those I loved. Learn from this and move on. Sometimes the consequences of our mistakes cannot be undone but they can always be learned from.
    You are a very lovely young lady and I cherish everything you say. You have a heart for God and people that shows in all you do.

    Love,
    Jim

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    1. Wow Jim, thank you so much for this powerful and heartfelt response. I love all these examples you cited. How incredibly encouraging. You’re so right – I have been forgiven (praise God!) and so in turn I need to do the same. Just like in the Our Father. Thank you friend. Hugs and love xox

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  45. I know how you feel. I’ve been going thinking about this recently too. I was bullied a lot as a kid and my mental health was horrible for years after that. I lost the majority of my teen years to a crippling emptiness and sadness. I never really grieved but I think I want to now. Because I did lose something and I want to gain closure over that.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story Jasminder. I’m so sorry to hear that you went through that. Yes, I hope you can take the time to feel those emotions and then put them to rest, moving forward as the powerful and beautiful person you are. You are a blessing to me. Big hugs to you friend xox

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  49. You must be so busy with so many comments, and busy reflecting on the past…But I have to say that your reflections are bringing out some inspired writing and that right there is enough that you can find at least some satisfaction. By the way, were you just born photogenic or is it a learned skill? I mean even your portraits that have you caught off-gaurd, like the featured image on this post, are great photos. Please remember to take some time for yourself to find that renewal.

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    1. Thank you so much friend. Hahah you’re funny. Gosh, I don’t know! Lucky shots I guess 🙂 but seriously thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I appreciate you stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  50. I love how your posts are always filled with positivity and gratitude to the Almighty. I pray that the pain that the pain you feel when you think about those years faded soon. ❤

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