My Unseen Recovery

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

First of all: to the person who used my Amazon link to order a pair of pizza socks that literally comes in their own miniature cardboard pizza box….a) Can we be friends? b) You’re winning at life. And C) Thank you for using my link! 🙂

OK, so real talk: this was a tough weekend for America.

We’re losing miserably at the Olympics. Facebook is a dumpster fire of people soapboxing about guns. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theurox split up. Kids are staging a school walk out protest. And to top it off, the weather is having an anxiety attack, much like us – with snow storms one day, followed by 75 degrees the next day. Basically, we’re all a little on edge.

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At least Kylie’s pregnancy rumors have been put to rest.

But I wanted to just take a little breather tonight, and perhaps go in a different direction than I had planned.

This post is for a very special reader — you know who you are.

Sometimes we wake up one morning, and struggle to comprehend how we got to where we are right now.

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There are a lot of things about my recovery that I don’t share about on here. Hard to believe, I know…I mean, everything from my virginity, to my love life, to my failures, politics, and even reproductive health! – have been fair game thus far…But there are parts of my recovery that I never really talk about.

And mainly because it involves a lot of sadness for me.

One of the most challenging aspects of my recovery has been mourning the loss of time.

Grieving for the adolescence I never had. For the vibrant girl who never got to laugh and dance and love and fall and get up and bloom. I had to mourn that loss. Mourn the life I didn’t get to live during my eating disorder.

 

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Right before I developed anorexia

The fact is, I spent a good four or five years enslaved to my anorexia, and then directly followed by another year on bedrest for my ulcerative colitis. So close to six years during my formative years – was spent not living.

Instead of growing into the young woman I was supposed to be, and pursuing my dreams, setting goals, making friends, having fun – I was chained to my eating schedule and excessive exercise regime. Crippled with obsession about food, yet avoiding it at all costs, no matter the social or bodily implication. There was no life – From the panicked moment my eyes snapped opened in the morning to the anxious collapse at the end of the day. Never a moment of peace. For six years.

One of the biggest challenges for me, today – healthy and whole – is coming to terms with that time I can never get back. And accepting the loss of that pivotal time in my life.

Truthfully, if I spend a lot of time thinking about it, I can still feel my chest tighten in anger. But I rest in the hope of something that is bigger and greater than me. I have to. It is the only way to cope.

I have to trust that God is in control. I just have to. I have to believe that God will not let that strife be for naught.

And I have to believe that I still have something to offer. That He has something planned for me to do. Some way to use that darkness for light. Letting it not have been in vain.

That is why this blog came to be. That why I wrote my book. Laying it all out there with the hopes of offering encouragement to people with all types of adversity in their lives – including eating disorders.

I know that God will use my painful season for good. That is who our God is. That is how He operates. Time and time again, He demonstrates that — including with His own Son.

How easily we forget or gloss over the fact that for forty days — forty days— Jesus — God’s Son — was left alone in the desert to be tempted by satan. I mean, that is outrageous. First of all, I can’t imagine the will power it must have taken for God not to just swoop down and save His Son. But also – I can’t imagine how alone Jesus must have felt.

It is one of those situations from the Bible that is truly impossible to fully comprehend.

But if there’s one thing that shows, it’s that “desert periods” will occur in life. We will go through the desert. We will feel alone. And forgotten. Maybe inadequate. Possibly despairing. But our suffering doesn’t negate the Father’s love, as hard as that is to believe. And when we find ourselves in the middle of that desert, it’s even harder to believe that one day, we will ever be whole, or useful, or thriving again.

It turns out that Jesus’s “desert period” was simply the overture before the symphony. It was leading up to the purpose of His life.

He was never forgotten. He was being formed.

I still carry a lot of shame and feelings of inadequacy – believing that because of my past, I am broken or less than. But the truth is, God takes all things that are broken and makes them new. He turns the dust into clay, and that clay into beautiful masterpieces.

Lord, help me to believe that. 

Help me see the work you are doing in me.

And may you feel His hands forming you. too.

 

***THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS ORDERED MY BOOKS, BLOOM: A JOURNAL BY BEAUTYBEYONDBONES AND “MY BLOGGING TIPS“***

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR COPY!

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A big thank you to my sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy.  Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

323 thoughts on “My Unseen Recovery”

  1. Currently me, depression really had its claws into me recently, I’ve been struggling so much for past 3 weeks and I’m completely exhausted, I know He will bring me out of it, but for first time in a while I don’t know how.

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    1. Hey Benny, thank you for sharing your heart. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been going through that. Hang in there. You deserve joy and freedom from that. Sending so much love and massive bear hugs xoxox

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      1. Thank you, I would happily love to see you trying to give me a bear hug 😂 x. You need a trip to England first 😜❤️

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      1. Yeah, I’m so glad you’re able to bring that about with your own children. What a beautiful gift this is, not only for them, but for you too. And you deserve it. Hugs and love xox

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    2. That’s so true, Nicole. Thanks for sharing your heart. I’m glad this resonated with you. Thanks for your encouragement. Sending hugs and lots of love xox

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  3. Thank you for this passionate, inspiring post. In my formative years, I struggled not with a full-blown eating disorder, but some degree of restrictive eating and distorted body image. As He did for you, God has helped and continues to help me heal from that. A favorite verse of mine during recovery was the cliche but true Psalm 139:14, where the psalmist proclaims the fearfulness and wonder of God’s handiwork. Thank you for the reminder that God can use any circumstance, even our most difficult epochs of life, for His good plan.

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  4. As someone having a daughter about your age, you are very brave for being so honest and open in a public forum. However, don’t ever regret the past because your past has shaped the person who you are today. Just keep going forward every day, enjoying the journey! Ted

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  6. Thank you for liking some of my posts since my return to blogging. And thank you for being so candid and vulnerable in your writing about your experiences – I can only imagine the small army of souls you have helped by sharing your truth so openly.
    This post saddened me…to think that you look upon the past version of yourself with anger and shame. Look at what came of those awful years that are, thankfully, behind you now. Think of how much you have been able to help others because of what you suffered and survived.
    Just wondering if you have read any of Brene Brown’s books? She writes at length about vulnerability, shame, and true belonging, and she does it in such a relate-able, down-to-earth way that you can’t help but want to invite her over for dinner. Just a thought, because you don’t have to live with feelings of shame, and her way of telling the story might help.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I am truly touched. I haven’t read any of her books but I’ll have to check her out! Thanks for the recco! Hugs and love xox

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      2. Oh nice! I know what I’ll be listening to on the plane today!! Thanks again! Hugs and love xox

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  8. Thanks for sharing this! It really got me thinking about my own life. I take medication for bipolar disorder and I completely relate to this feeling of losing time in life. I had to drop out of college in the US and come back home to India and that wasn’t the end. I lost months of my life in my early twenties dealing with depression, mania and their social consequences and those are dire. I haven’t really delved openly into the subject on my blog but you might be giving me the courage to.

    But, going back to lost time. There is one consolation. That we who have lost time are more desirous of living life fully. Honestly, it’s like, losing something makes you see it for it is and what it means and could have meant to you. You are, as you say, vibrant, and you’re bringing meaning to the lives of many across the world with your words. You have a perspective that’s beautiful and insightful. That comes with having really ‘lived’. Keep writing 🙂

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    1. hi friend, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sorry that this hits so close to home. and thank you for such kind words. we are not our pasts 🙂 i hope you do write about it. i would love to read your words 🙂 big hugs xo

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  9. BBB,
    You came into my virtual life several years ago. I am loving that I can see your sweet face and that you’ve come out of the shadows, into the Sonlight. KEEP IT UP. Love you much, from the ether!

    XOXOX EPP

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    1. Oh my gosh thank you so much EPP. what an incredibly kind thing to say. So glad our paths crossed those years ago 🙂 big big hugs xox

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  10. Such a powerful strong post! Thank you for sharing it. I might not be the one you spoke to but I feel what you feel being consumed by one topic while other teenager can just be that silly teenager with everything that goes with it.

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  11. God is continuing to mold you into who he wants you to be for his purpose on this earth! Don’t give up and feel less of yourself by the lies of the devil! He Got you and he will NEVER leave you nor forsake you! Much love and blessings to you ! Thanks for sharing your life always with us! 😊💕✨

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    1. Thank you Tammy, that is so true and so comforting – He will never ever forsake us! thanks for that beautiful reminder and encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  12. When you offer those difficult times to God, He will use them to transform you. I know a lot of people who have gone through desert periods in their lives and were catapulted to new challenges and rose to new heights. If one accepts those challenges with faith, God will use your pain and bestow you with sanctifying grace. I believe that’s exactly what’s happened to you Caralyn. Would you have been able to help others if you hadn’t gone through the pain yourself? God bless everything you do for Him.

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    1. that is so so true – He uses them to shape us and transform us. what a comforting thought. thank you for this beautiful encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  13. Beautiful post! Your recovery posts played an instrumental role in my own recovery. Though you’ve been through loss, God is surely redeeming it. Just like Isaiah 61, He is giving you beauty for ashes!

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    1. Oh wow, thank you friend. I am truly touched by that and I’m so glad my blog has hit home with you. Hugs and love xox

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  16. Although I’m not a Christian, I found the bit you wrote about the 40 nights in the desert very inspiring. It spoke to me.

    Also inspiring to hear about your own journey and the strength with which you carry on.

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  17. Thank You for your insights, disclosures and witness. As an alcoholic 18years into recovery I recognize some of those difficult steps along the way. You know, like Oh God why did I waste so many years? Truth is, we are the wonderful people we are today because of the whole of our experiences. Whatever our addictions, whatever our recovery journey, we are the hope and the beacon for others. Thank you again for your witness X

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate the encouragement. You’re right – what we’ve gone through make us who we are today. Hugs and love xox

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  19. Thanks for sharing this. When you talk about Jesus’ time in the desert and how it was forming him and preparing him for his ultimate sacrifice, and how you related that to how someday we will come out of our own trials realizing we are whole people, it made me think about how Jesus knew, both in the desert and on the cross, that he was going to get through this, and that he was going to come out the victor. That always acts as some kind of comfort for me when I worry about the unknown – how if Jesus knew that he would come out the victor from his suffering, so can we.
    Your post also made me think too about how sometimes I get angry over days I feel like I’ve lost because I spent that day wallowing in worry. But I just like how you come out and say “I just HAVE to believe that God is in control.” Thanks for sharing that. I agree. That’s a great way to say something I’ve been realizing too. Thanks again for sharing all this.

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    1. That’s such a great point-He knee the whole time. Thank you for your powerful response! Hugs and love xox

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  23. Boy did this punch me right in the gut, I spent 17 years in active drug and alcohol addiction and thinking on that time I’ll never get back, not just for me but for my family too, it makes me insane with a toxic cocktail of anger and fear. I gotta trust God spared me for a reason, trust that He knows what He’s about, because I sure as shit don’t know what I’m doing. Amazing post.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Tash. I’m glad this resonated with you. Yes – God knows what He’s doing and will work all things together for good. big hugs to you xox

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  24. Okay…pizza socks that come in a pizza box??? I am sending those to my husband to get for my birthday!!! I swear looking at the mix of silliness and down right honesty/realness you show makes me wonder if we’re related. lol

    Anyways, it’s not the same, but a few years ago I pushed myself so hard with stress, work, family, etc that I ended up running my immune system down and getting pericarditis. Then I injured my rib muscles/ligaments somehow and simultaneously had costochondritis. It took me two or three years to get healthy from it all and took away so much of my life. Now that I’m better I am going after my dreams and writing books and running my website. God does has a purpose for you. Use your stories to share your strength and give encouragement!!! He’ll show you what you need to do.

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    1. hahah aren’t those the coolest?!?! the box is everything!!! hahah – I am all for silliness and pranks. It is my middle name. Thank you so much for sharing your story – gosh that is so hard. I’m so glad that you’re healthy and thriving now, but i totally feel for you and those years that you spent fighting for your health. Yes!! You go after those dreams, girl! know that I am cheering you on, and God is too!!!! big big hugs xox

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  27. Romans 8:28 (ESV)
    28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

    God loves us so much that He calls us from that darkness when He is ready. He forgives and casts those things as far as the east is from the west. But we have those memories so that we may help others not punish or doubt ourselves. The adversary will surely use them to try and shake us, But there is this one verse that I remember. 1 John 4:4 (ESV) 4 Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

    2 Corinthians 12:10 (ESV)
    10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

    I was impressed by your Post. To God be the glory for your continued recovery. James 4:7 (ESV) “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

    God Bless and keep you
    Dan

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  28. God takes all things that are broken and makes them new. He turns the dust into clay, and that clay into beautiful masterpieces. So true!!! The Father is faithful. Thank you for sharing your testimony.

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