So one of my absolute best friends is a yoga teacher. And one of the perks – in addition to being the “Teacher’s Pet” – is that I get to take her classes in the city and cheer her on!
It’s so fun. I always love watching someone shine in their element. It’s a little glimpse of Heaven, if you ask me.
And one of the things she does, is that she has you set an intention to think about during the class — A little something to think about during the deep breathing and focus. And so I always use that time to meditate on Jesus, and pray.
And well, for whatever reason, this week, I decided that during the class, I would pray for my future husband, whomever he may be.
You see, I don’t know what it is, but in the last three weeks or so, I have just been absolutely overcome with emotion and feelings about my future spouse. I just feel this overwhelming tidal wave of “Now is the time!”
For the first time, I think ever, I feel like my life is in a really good rhythm. Mind, body, and spirit. And honestly, it doesn’t surprise me that this feeling of wholeness coincides with the beginning of my new podcast, Oh What a Beautiful Morning! And this really is not meant to be a plug. It just is incredible how starting the day – even for just literally 5 minutes – and reading and reflecting on the Bible (which is what we do on the pod) — how it has completely changed my life for the better.
My life feels completely at peace. Except for one gaping hole that has been tearing at my heart with extra fervor here recently, and that is the place in my life for my future husband.
But anyways, back to yoga. It was your normal class – run expertly by my bestie, if I might add 🙂 And at the very end, where we close our eyes and are quiet for 5-7 minutes and just breathe, I began to cry.
Yes, friends. I was that girl – weeping in the middle of a packed yoga class. Talk about embarrassing! Mascara running. Flushed cheeks. I was the definition of a literal hot, sweaty mess.
But I was just overcome with just this desire to let someone into my life. I am ready. I am ready to let someone in.
And afterwards, talking with my friend, a little embarrassed that, here I was her guest, and I…well…brought the waterworks…she gave me some of the most beautiful words of encouragement.
This blog has truly been a journey. It’s hard to believe that it’s been going for over three years now. And what a ride it’s been.
But truly, the absolute hardest, most difficult aspect of my recovery has been to let someone in. To open up my heart and my life to another person.
Feeling undeserving of love, ashamed to let anyone too close, I have stiff-armed my way into a situation that frankly, I am dreadfully tired of.
I am tired of being alone.
There. I said it.
My life is full of love from so many different places: my friends, my family, this very blog family. And I have so much love in my life.
But I want to share my life with someone. And I think I am finally, finally ready to open my heart to that possibility.
I think we get to the point in life, where we reach our limit, where we get too tired, of being sick and tired. Or in my case, tired of the walls – or fortress – I’ve built around my heart.
And I know I’ve talked about dating apps in the past. And how the swiping phenomena has killed romance. (Which I still stand by.)
But this time, I’m going to be going about this differently.
I’m giving it to God.
The transformation I’ve had this past month, that has come about from giving my free time to God, and truly committing to making Him a priority every single day, has given me the perspective to see love differently.
I’ve placing my love life in God’s hands. I’m going to follow where He leads. Be open to whomever He puts in my path. And stop working myself up into a verklempt mess that cries at a yoga class.
I’m going to trust Him.
I’m going to listen to Him.
I’m going to welcome His promptings, and seek His guidance, even if it’s not always what I would typically do.
“Keep working on yourself, Caralyn. You deserve love.” My friend is able to speak to my soul in ways that only a friend of twenty-something years can.
I feel a bit as though I’m in a freefall. Like I’m out of control in the best way possible. But I think it’s because I’m on the cusp of an entirely new chapter in my life.
One last thing: I was on the phone with my mom, talking with her about this very topic, earlier this week. And you know, that woman is always the anchor to my ship, caught in a storm. We were talking about my spirit’s weariness of singleness, and for the first time I admitted out loud, “It’s because I don’t let people in.”
And she just softly said, “I know.”
That’s the thing. So often we’re the last to the party. Everyone else can see it, but in order for us to come to understand, we have to go through the process. Do the work – just like my best friend encouraged me with.
And it turns out that doing the work, meant actually humbling seeking Jesus, and giving Him that which we are desperately holding onto.
So anyways, that’s where I’m at for now.
I’m open. I’m ready. And I welcome Jesus’ plan to come to fruition in my life!
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