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It’s currently 5pm, and I’m drinking a stiff vodka/soda, because friends… this post…is one of those that I simply cannot believe I’m publishing.
And frankly, I don’t really know exactly how I’m going to go about putting this – but, let’s just dive right in, shall we? ((I’m stalling.))
First, allow me to set the stage.
Anorexia is a five letter “b-word” that rhymes with witch.
*Shakes head…* No, this is the wrong approach.
It’s no secret that anorexia destroys every aspect of a person’s life, from relationships, to the mind, to the soul. But most dangerously: the body. In an effort to stay alive, one’s starving body begins to consume itself for fuel. Muscles deteriorate, bone mass deteriorates, brain matter deteriorates, and the organs are not immune to this deterioration. Which is why people die from anorexia: because the heart is a muscle, and it too, slowly shuts down.
But a girl’s reproductive system is usually the first “to go” when the body is in a state of starvation. The body cannot sustain its own life, let alone bring another into the world. And hence, why women with anorexia lose their periods and have bodies that appear to have “forgotten” to go through puberty.
And sadly, a woman’s fertility doesn’t always come back. Even after healing from an eating disorder, and being calorically and nutritionally sound, sometimes, the reproductive system never fully recovers. Particularly given an acutely severe and extended period of malnourishment.
And well, that was the case with me.
Fast forward to more recent history. You may remember, two Christmases ago, I experienced a miracle: I got my very first period.
I’m not being facetious or exaggerating in the slightest with the “miracleness” of it all. It involved standing under a huge advent wreath, and the annunciation of Mary. Anywho – long story short, I got my period for the first time, ever in my entire life.
And it was this huge, incredibly amazing blessing. Praise God, what a gift.
I never got another period again. That was in 2017.
Yep…the night I published my post about “saying yes” to all the opportunities coming my way, and about embracing dating with all my heart…I get greeted by Aunt Flow. Oh the irony of it all.
And if you think I didn’t call my mom at midnight, in a flurry of joyful tears and gratitude, then you’d be mistaken.
Yep – consider this another miracle. Thank you, Jesus.
Sitting here, reflecting on all of this…a) I can’t believe I just shared that with you. But more than the mortification of what I just shared, I am just smiling and laughing to myself at God’s timing of it all.
I mean, I had literally just published a post about finally feeling ready to bring love into my life, and earnestly seeking Mr. Right. And here, God was actually physically telling me that: Yes, in fact, I am now ready for love.
If I’m being really honest, this was something that had really been holding me back from exploring dating. The fact that I had this big issue hanging over my head made me feel, almost dishonest or deceptive, when going into a potential relationship.
It was this “bomb” I was going to have to drop on whomever I was dating, that…I can’t give you children. And of course, I’m not saying this is a first date conversation…but in my mind it was this “baggage” that, quite honestly, kept me from putting myself out there in the dating world.
And let me pause for a moment, to say that – I know that infertility is a painful topic that a lot, a lot of women face. And it is something that, like I experienced, is such a personal, vulnerable issue that causes so much sorrow, and I just want to say — I see you. I love you. I feel what you’re carrying in your heart. And I am praying for you. God creates families in so many beautiful, different, ways. And praise God for that.
This “arrival” last week, was completely unexpected. And joyfully – gratefully – received.
I have no idea what’s going on, but I feel kind of like I’m sitting in a corn field in Kansas, watching as the winds are picking up, and the clouds are gathering in from all directions, and there’s going to be a beautiful, powerful storm of grace and mercy.
My longing for love. My willingness to put myself out there in the dating world. The arrival of my womanhood.
God is working overtime. And I can see the pieces slowly coming together.
I am so excited to see what God has planned, and what’s next in my story. Thank you, God!
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Here was yesterday’s video! https://youtu.be/8pmp4ZI968A
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