The Freedom of Being Known

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

One of the greatest hurdles to my recovery from anorexia, if I’m being totally and completely honest, has been letting people “in” to my past. Sharing it with people, and letting people get close enough to me to really “go there.”

And I know that sounds preposterous, given the fact that…hello…I literally have this very blog where I share about incredibly personal things on the reg. But for whatever reason, it’s much easier to share with 43,000 people about my messy history, than to sit down one-on-one and tell my story to someone over a glass of wine.

The idea of that, frankly, gives me anxiety sweats.

But it’s something that I’m really working on. Because, RealTalk: I still carry a lot of shame about the fact that I battled anorexia. I still struggle with separating who I am now, with who I was then. And even though I know conceptually, that both have the same worth, and same value as a child of God, and are worthy of love — the fact is, I am ashamed. I feel it somehow discredits me from love, today. I feel it makes me damaged goods that no man will ever want to “risk” getting close to.

But anyway — all that to say….I went to confession yesterday.

Which, let me just set the record straight — I am a bad Catholic, because, let’s be real — it’s not my favorite.

We’re talking — I once drove to inner city Chicago to confess all the sins and baggage around my eating disorder to a priest that barely spoke english just so I would never have to see that man again!

I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever gone to confession at a church I actually attended just because I didn’t want to know the priest, or have him know me.

And…I’m not proud of that.

But — here we are. Confession is a beautiful gift — one that, I need to learn to set my pride aside, and embrace more.

But yesterday — I went to confession at my own parish in New York. Face to face with the priest I see every Sunday.

Why? Well — it was kind of an emergency situation. I missed mass on Sunday (sorry mom and dad!) First time, ever — by the way. Minus when I was on bedrest, and that time I was in Iceland where there was literally no church within a 4 hour drive.

So anyway – it was an emergency. And so, I went to confession at my own parish.

And afterwards, I stayed for daily mass in this tiny little chapel. I mean, there are only five rows, and I could literally reach out and touch the pulpit if I wanted to. It’s that intimate a space.

During mass, I made eye contact with the priest — the one who I just confessed to — and he just smiled at me, like a loving father. And in my heart, there was this moment of peace — and dare I say, joy — that this man knew my baggage, and still loved me and saw me as a child of God.

He had said something to me in the confessional, that really resonated with me in that moment. After I had just spilled all this horrible crap that had built up over a year — so you know there’s a lot!! — he said to me, “God is so happy that you’re here. And He’s so pleased to have His daughter bringing these things to Him, so He can take them from you.“

God was happy that I brought my baggage to Him. The things that I carried in shame, in guilt, in self-disgust — God was pleased to take them from me.

And the priest, even after hearing them, didn’t see me as a monster!

For the rest of that mass, for whatever reason, my mind was brought back to my time on the El Camino de Santiago pilgrimage, last summer in Spain with my mom. If you’re new here, my mom and I walked 80 miles along the coast of Spain and Portugal in thanksgiving for her recovery from a stroke.

But we were traveling with a group, and along The Way, we all shared our stories. I mean, after all, we had nothing but time, and dirt paths through the Spanish countryside.

And I shared about my anorexia. And much to my relief, I received nothing but love and acceptance. And in fact, it strengthened the bond with these people I now consider family.

But it just reinforced to me that, my story is nothing to be ashamed of.

And then God reminded me that just the day before, I shared my story with these two lovely ladies I met at a blogging event in the city!

God, in that teeny little chapel, was showing me, over and over that my past does not make me too broken.

Yes, I went through a terrible season with anorexia, and have that in my past — but I am not defined by that. It gave me the opportunity to grow, and learn about myself, and solidify my relationship with Jesus, and honestly, become the person I am today.

But the anorexia in my past is not who I am. It is not what defines my worth as a person, or the determining factor as to whether I am deserving of love.

Because God took it. God released me from that shackle. And He redeemed me: mind, body, spirit.

I don’t know, but I’m feeling this ground-swell beneath me, as I’m feeling more and more emboldened to share my story, in “offline” life.

Maybe this is God gearing me up to have the courage to share my past with the man He has planned for me.

All I know is that there is no shame with Jesus. He clears our name and sets us free. I experienced that yesterday with confession.

And in fact, those scars from our past only point to the glory and victory of Christ.

Jesus, in His post-resurrection ministry actually led with His scars.

So the question is…what will we do with ours?

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

179 thoughts on “The Freedom of Being Known”

    1. Thank you Dawn, yes – and we’re on the journey together 🙂 cheering you on, friend. hugs xox

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    1. It really is so freeing! thanks so much for sharing your heart and for stopping by! big hugs xox

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  7. I find the fact that you felt extremely reluctant to talk about having anorexia offline quite reassuring and reaffirmating. I have a disease known as sickle cell, 2 of my siblings died from that disease. I have been sexually abused by about 13 men when I was still a child or teenager. I used to have nuclear levels of rage over a very small issue. I daydreamed about suicide quite often. And just like you, God delivered me. And I wrote about it on my blog but I didn’t like talking about it offline too. But and this is important, not talking about it in some ways condemn you to continue dealing with the things that you don’t talk about. They OVERCAME by the blood of the Lamb and by the Words of their testimony – Revelations 12:11. You have overcome. Talk about what you overcame. May God be with you and bless you abundantly. ❤️💕💖
    http://insearchofperfecthair.wordpress.com

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    1. Hi friend, thank you for sharing your story. Gosh, i am just so sorry for your loss, and that you’re walking through this journey. It breaks my heart to hear that you were sexually abused. You did not deserve that. At all. You are a precious daughter of God and deserve to be protected and cherished. Amen – OVERCAME by His blood. I am so moved by your heart. Praying you, dear friend. And sending you all the love in the world. Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thanks again Lane 🙂 I really appreciate your support and encouragement to share. It makes the sharing process much less scary!! Hugs and love xox

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  12. Learning to love myself has been very difficult and I still struggle doing it because of frequent flashbacks. But I keep telling myself “I love you. I forgive you. Your slate is washed clean”. So I understand much of what you have struggled with. I also remember saying to myself many times “You are damaged goods. No body wants you.” I appreciate so much your honesty. And from my vantage point you are very special, valuable, and worthy. You are extremely wonderful goods and of tremendous value like Proverbs 31 woman. I overcame lifelong clinical depression and being suicidal for most of my adult life. Because of fear and my own stupidity I believed I had AIDS for 13 years back when it first started. Turned out to be chronic fatigue syndrome which I have conquered about 70%. I can say that your posts resonate to me, make me feel not alone, blessed to find somebody that truly understands the hell I lived through. Girl you rock and your ministry is helping me along the way considerably. So don’t believe the lies of the devil. You are perfectly made in God’s image and likeness. Thank you for all of the encouragement and help that you have given to me. God bless you!

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing that. Keep telling yourself that – because your slate IS washed clean, and praise God for that! I’m so glad that you’ve resonated with my posts, and I’m so glad you didn’t have AIDS! praying for you, friend. thanks for this wonderful encouragment! hugs xo

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  13. These are true words. God is a god of mercy and forgiveness. He may not be able to look on sin, but if we confess our sins to him he forgives. I am not Catholic, so I don’t adhere to the idea of confession to a priest, but I do believe in the power of sharing stories. Keep sharing your own.

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    1. Thank you so much – I appreciate your kind words. Sharing stories is definitely important. Hugs and love xox

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  14. Hmm wow! So very deep and true. This spoke to me on a very deep course. I need to make peace with my past in many ways. I always say that its dead but I’m I at peace with it being dead? I know God is working with me where that’s concern and how it can be used to witness/ testify to others and I believe he’s already making me use it to led others to know Him, be encouraged etc you know. May He continue to make you bold enough to share your story with others and the world! Blessings & grace.

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    1. Thanks Tammy – I’m so glad this resonated with you. Amen! I’m so glad you’ve found that peace too! Hugs and love xox

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  15. Beautiful post! Whenever I feel shame get a hold of me, I think of Romans 8:1-Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I also listen to Flawless by Mercyme. “No matter what they say or what you think you are, the day you called His name, He made you Flawless.” Makes me cry everytime!

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    1. Oh my gosh thank you so much for these encouraging words! Yes! No condemnation! Amen! Hugs and love xox

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  17. I understand not going to confession where you actually attend mass , I alway felt like the priest knew it was me that confessed and I felt like he was looking straight through me . I know .. ridiculous now. I happy you went to your priest. Now feeling a shamed I understand but oh my don’t do that to yourself . You had a illness and yes a battle you will always feel but your way to hard on yourself and when you find that man of yours he will love you and not judge you and he will understand . Hugs girl happy you are opening up besides on social media ❤️

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    1. Thanks friend. Yeah – it’s so cool – now when I see that priest I went to confession to, I feel a special connection 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  18. Thank you for sharing.
    The more intimate the setting the more exposed one feels. To undress the soul can feel like standing naked in a crowd.
    Keep up the good work you are doing through this blog.

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    1. You’re so right about that – bearing the soul is a scary and yet wonderful thing to do. and until you find the person you feel safe doing that with, then keep looking! haha big hugs xo

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  19. You are lovely and deserving of beautiful love. Your posts of late whenever I check them help bring me to peace. May you continue to spread and do G-d’s work and may you go from strength to strength.

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