Revolutionary Resistance

I want to start out tonight by saying thank you: we recently hit 45,000 subscribers on here, and so I thought I’d just take a sec to express my gratitude for your readership. Thank you, I love you.

The time between Christmas and New Years is always a bit of an anomaly. You’ve officially “done” Christmas, and you’re kind of in this limbo waiting period for New Years. You’ve got extra time on your hands — because people don’t really go back to work 100% just yet; there’s loads of leftovers lying around – even though you’re trying to get back to your normal, healthy routine. It’s kinda like a reflective twilight zone.

And we’re all going through it. Especially with New Year’s resolutions looming in the back of everyone’s mind. Case in point: this week I have received so many messages and emails about recovery.

And particularly, how to feel worthy of recovery.

I was sitting in church last night, and I’ve been going to this new parish recently, and I hate to say it, but the priest tends to be a bit unnecessarily loquacious with his homilies. Like — too many romantic descriptors. I don’t need to know that the fog was enveloping the car like the dawn of a crisp winter morning on the harbor of Maine, with a ship’s bell ringing faintly in the distance, reminding one that even when we can’t see, we can listen…

Linguistically beautiful, yes — I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, Father. But we’ve been sitting here for an hour and a half — please get to the point.

Anywho, I was admittedly zoning off a bit, thinking about some of these messages I’ve received, and about my own life in the last year. And it turns out, there is quite the connection.

This year has been a bit of a revolution for me personally. I was thinking about it, and as the young girl in the midst of her anorexia, I would have never dreamed it would be possible to be where I am today…not just physically and mentally healthy, but specifically — having the courage to open my heart to others.

This last year is really the first time I’ve truly and fully shown other people my heart, and let them in to experience it. Dating-wise, friendship-wise – I’ve broken down those “arms-length” barriers.

During my anorexia, and the majority of my recovery, I’ve felt the constant battle in my heart of believing that I was worth loving, worth knowing. That wound cuts deep, my friends, and so to be at a point where I am fully embracing and accepting love and connection from others — is a huge victory that’s been equally terrifying and freeing. And it has completely changed my life.

It is a gift I wish I could go back and give to the scared, chained, and broken me, so many years ago.

And that’s when I got to thinking about those sweet readers who have emailed me about not feeling worthy of recovery.

In life — and especially in recovery — there are things that shape us. Influences, both good and bad. They impact our decisions, our actions, our thoughts, our self worth. And they come from all different sources: family, school, society, religion, media, etc.

Well, the thing about an eating disorder, is that it becomes the greatest, most powerful influence in your life. An influence that is founded in lies.

The belief that one is not worthy of recovery — that is a lie from the pit of hell.

And I can say that, because I have been there. I have walked that despairing and desolate road. The feelings of worthlessness and guilt and shame — those are real. They’re strong. And gripping. And will clamp you down, pinning you under their weight, oppressing you with lies that feed into self-destructive behaviors.

It is a suffocative existence that I lived with for years, when it came to my belief that I was worth loving. And frankly – it’s still something that I have to actively resist.

But that, right there, is the key. That’s the way out: the light at the end of the tunnel: resisting.

Silencing those lies takes incredible strength and persistence and courage. But every day — several times a day — you’ve got to actively resist the lies being hurled at you by the enemy, and replace them with the Truth.

The “Capital T” Truth that comes from God, Himself.

The “Capital T” Truth that declares your worth, your goodness, your value. The Truth that says I have an undeniable dignity, as a Child of God. That I am loved to the point of a Cross. That I am worthy of an abundant life, that is overflowing with love and joy.

But more than anything — that I am worthy of a life free from the chains of darkness — from an eating disorder, from destructive thoughts, from lies that are trying to ruin me from within.

God did not create me to live in fear or to live in a disordered existence.

Jesus did not suffer and die for me to live in the desolation of a warped belief about myself.

Believing that I was unworthy of love was actually a gross manifestation of pride. It was saying that my baggage was too big for God.

God’s mercy and grace has no exceptions, exclusions, or exemptions.

The freedom that comes with Christ is for absolutely everyone.

And so we need to claim it.

Claim it and resist all those lies that come our way each and every day. Claim it, for only then can we realize the full potential God has in store for us.

So 2020 — that is my prayer for myself, and all of you — resisting the lies, and claiming the Truth.

We are worth a life of freedom. Of love. Of being known. Of abundance, in every sense of the word.

Go, and claim it. And watch your world change.

Concrete road in a green spring field

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5

A big thank you to my foundational sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy. I cannot begin to express how beneficial therapy was for my recovery from anorexia.  Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.


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118 responses to “Revolutionary Resistance”

  1. I’d just like to point out (and beg your pardon if you already know) that the Nativity of our Lord is such a joyful occasion that the Liturgical Calendar devotes an 8 day “Octave” to it, which ends with the Feast on the 1st. So if I was liturgically pedantic, technically Christmas isnt over. This doesnt diminish your point in the slightest.

    Speaking to your point, i think it’s well said and pairs nicely with your previous post of “Do it now”. Dont let yourself be burdened by vague notions of Worth. God loves YOU. Thats you, Caralyn; you, comment reader; thats you, comment skimmer; thats everyone. THAT is the font of love and worth with floweth over for each of us. Resisting the negativity requires something positive to hold on to as a rallying cry. Make it Christ, and begin today!

    Thank you as always for this thoughtful reflection.

    • Oh yes!! That’s so true! Thanks for sharing that Scoot! And oh my gosh thank you for such kind words! Hugs and love xox Happy New Year! 🎉

  2. Hey Caralyn that is great news and congrads to you and anyone that was in the loop to cheer you on! I have wanted to hear from you regarding a little sweating I had gone through but like Dad said many a time over the years; “sometimes no news is good news!” I hope real badly that is true! Again I’m glad to hear all this good news and hope you are doing fantastic!

      • Okie Dokie Caralyn! Father knows best, was even a TV show once long ago! Hugs back at ya and have a wonderful evening! I’ve been busy spit-in fire anywho!

      • Yes Dear Caralyn, Dynamite Dad like your Mom! Also, he told me learn to read between the lines and maybe that one didn’t sink in enough, because like my Mom my emotion can block my view of those hidden messages that are there for the taking! Of course you ladies have an advantage with women’s intuition. I think recently you gave me one of those and it went right by my eyes! This is why community can be a good thing as there are those that are seeing much more than I in a given situation and can act upon it appropriately much more than me! I sometimes try too hard; all for naught!
        Have a great day and just in case “Happy New Year” for now!

  3. Tonight’s entry took me back to last September when you spoke at my church and how warmly you were received. No one thought poorly of you for the things you did during your anorexia. They absolutely LOVED the young lady they saw that weekend…even after hearing your confessions of the terrible ways you had hurt people. They left that in the past and only wanted to engage with the fellow saved child of God!

    I went back and watched pieces of the Sunday morning talk, especially the Q & A at the end. IT WAS FUN! Good questions, give and take, and even a few laughs!

    From your Sept. 30 post: “I was graciously shown — through the loving reception of those wonderful people listening — that my story is not something to be ashamed of, but rather one that shows the incredible victory of Christ. And though I knew that conceptually, for the first time — I truly believed it.”

    I think you posted the actual video on either 10/3 or 10/7. I couldn’t find either in your October archive. Do you think it would help to point people to those entries on 9/30 and whenever you posted the video? You can write whatever you want to people, but if they can SEE how you were loved by even strangers, maybe they’ll start to think it’s possible for them too. Remember Gary Osing who told you he’s never seen such a powerful speech in his 25+ years of alcohol recovery? He LOVED you!!

    If someone wants to see proof that someone with a past can be loved after baring their worst, they need to see you actually in action and the ending dialogues.

    Happy New Year my dear friend!

    • Hi Jeff! Oh gosh thank you for this encouragement. Amen – your group was so welcoming and warm and I am so grateful for their incredible reception. That’s a great idea! I’ll have to work on getting those together 🙂 thanks!! Hope you have a great evening Jeff! So encouraged by this note! Hugs and love xox

      • I’m glad. Your talks are, I think, as valuable a resource as Bloom! Their must be a way to disseminate them; either free or a very minimal fee to download from BBB. I’ll bet that’s something your dad can figure out on a practical business level.

  4. Please permit me to extend a point. To claim the freedom you mention is one important step; after we do that, we must be willing to work at understanding what the freedom is and isn’t, and constantly work at making that freedom a central part of our lives. This, I sense, is something you have been learning as your recovery continues. Well done as usual. Hugs and love from Kentucky– Mike

  5. God loves us more than any of the rest of his creation. The fact that God values us SO MUCH means we are worthy of recovery. I rejoice that God has freed you and led you to help others. 🙂

  6. Thanks for sharing! When it comes to other spiritual and emotional heartaches, it is so easy to be isolated – to think no one else has to know, or feels what I feel… Or feel we let God down because we are not where we think we ought to be in our growth.

    We both know that is not true, that God IS for us because of Jesus’s death and resurrection. God sees us as conquerors, not victims. We rest in that thought, not our sin and despair. 😉

  7. You always present an intelligent and affecting point of view. I never find it hard to believe that you once lived through a very challenging obstacle course, before Jesus called you to journal. Though many people have difficulties to overcome, The Lord sure knew what He was doing when He asked you to get better and to reach out to those who may be suffering from the affliction.

    Here in our region’s paper, this weekend, I noticed a column about charitable giving, asking readers to make a monthly plan to give back however they are comfortable. You ask sometimes for only a little, like a couple of dollars a month on Patreon, and making that kind of contribution makes me feel better about visiting your blog and getting invigorated by what you say.

    There should be much more to enjoy in what I think of as your blossoming inner world. Please keep on doing the great blogging that you do, if it’s an advantage for you in your life. You deserve all the strength and support you’ve won.

    Have a great 2020, and we’ll read more from your pen. I hope everything you want for yourself materializes, with the wisdom of The Lord before you. Happy New Year!

    • thank you Odell, what a kind thing to say 🙂 God has certainly been generous with His mercy. And gosh – I am so grateful for your support. It truly means so much — this blog is my online ministry, and every little bit helps me be able to continue to do this! i hope you have a very happy, healthy, and blessed New Year! Very grateful for you! 🙂 big hugs xox

  8. First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! That’s an amazing milestone in followers….but, not surprised. I love your blog. It’s always interesting, intelligent, thoughtful and well written and always radiating with kindness and warmth. But, more importantly, I’ve discovered that I genuinely like you. You are warm, encouraging, genuine and thoughtful. I honestly dont know how you manage it!
    With so many followers, you actually manage to not only respond to each comment as if it were the only one you recieved, with appreciation and warmth. As if that wasn’t more than enough, you also make time to stop by and read others blogs? That is always such a special suprise to see you’ve visited and liked something I’ve posted. It makes my day because I know it cannot be easy to keep up with such a huge amount of followers, the emails etc. on top of everything else your doing in life. Yet you make that personal effort to connect and always make others feel appreciated.
    That is truly special. It’s a gift and I deeply appreciate you for it.
    Hugs & 💗’s,

    • Hi Laura! Oh thank you so much! gosh, what a kind thing to say! awww I am so touched!!! yes! I love to keep up with my blog friends 🙂 hehe This comment absolutely made my day — thank you 🙂 i hope you have a happy and blessed new year! Hugs and love xox

    • i so agree with you!! that is the absolute truth! have a happy and blessed new year my friend! hugs xox

  9. My dear friend Carolyn,

    Life appears often like a mirror to us – what we notice in others is in fact also hidden in us – and so maybe you have to find those hidden things in you, to get a better understanding of you – which is a life-long process (Man know thyself…) – You wrote that the Father should come to the point… and my feeling was at once that you yourself should come to the point, whatsoever it may be, is like a hidden message for you, to direct your way, to clear your way more and more. Sure, my friend, you have reached many goals and overcome many hindrance on the path of divine knowledge, but life shows us always new goals and the deeper we step forward in us, the more life dresses us in truth and light gradually removing the veils of our minds. Sometimes we have to be very much down to bring a treasure up from those dark deepths, then we are able to understand life much better in gratitude. You are surely a fighter and an example to those fighting with similar problems. Go on my friend! There are still many more treasures waiting to be raised from your inner core of being. In this sense I wish you a good journey, dear Carolyn, and that the new year will reveal new secrets of your own person – this is the progress of becoming more and more conscious.

    A Happy, New Year also to your family 🙂

    All that is good for you
    Hugs and love

    • Hi Didi, thank you so much for this beautiful response. You’re so right about that — this blog has really helped me grow and understand myself so much more. it has been a huge blessing – one that I am very grateful for. And you’re right! God has so much more in store for all of us!!! Happy New Year! 🎉 bigbig hugs xox

  10. Caralyn congratulations. You have such a natural way of communicating in writing that God has given buoy and ability to relate to all types of people. Keep up the excellent work – and it is work! Blessings, Carson

  11. Modern society are constantly messing with that word – “Truth”..
    Some people are stating & believing that truth is relative. You find this especially in the political arena – particularly with the liberal democratic parties. “What may be true for you may not be true for me.” That is just absolute garbage.
    Truth isn’t relative.. Truth is absolute. What is true doesn’t depend on perception, it depends on the absence of evidence and facts. But since this (our modern world & society) chooses to interpret the truth in this fashion, those of us stand by our absolutes and Godly principles are basically treated as haters of the good ship “Progress”..

    In all, there is one truth that cannot be denied and is absolute – God’s love for mankind, even though we are so messed up. The entire reason for this season is because of His love.

    So as the New Year dawns, what do we have to look forward to?
    Well resolutions being made and broken, new opportunities or challenges, new victories, maybe a new friendship or something more…

    While the New Year brings the opportunity of a fresh perspective, new beginnings, etc., I think that rather than making large plans and resolutions, we just take the example of the “Power of Now” and resolve to take each day as it comes, looking at it, making the most of it.. one day at a time.

    • truth is absolute — you’re so right about that! thanks for this thoughtful response! Happy New Year! 🎉 xoxo

    • happy 2020 my dear friend!! excited to see what God has in store for you this new year! big big hugs xox

  12. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Resist with the Truth, the Way and the Life! Oh, and thank you for admonishing preachers to get to the point! I need to be reminded of that when I’m tempted to get lost in word-smithing!

    • amen to that Ed – thank you so much Ed! hahah I think i was just antsy that evening — hahah i typically am totally zoned in. Happy New Year! 🎉 xox

    • hahahah oh my gosh this made me chuckle. would love to experience it though! the spirit is alive and well!!! 🙂 Happy New Year! 🎉 big hugs xox

  13. Can’t wait to see how God uses your impactful testimony in the coming decade wherein you talk about how He changed your mind and heart in order to transform your personality to be more like that of Jesus Christ every day. No one is “unreachable.” He never wastes a hurt, habit or hangup. Keep spreading the good news. Happy New Year, kiddo.

    • oh rollie, what a kind thing to say, thank you. God has big plans in store for all of us!!! What an exciting truth. amen to that — no one is unreachable! Happy New Year! 🎉 xoxoxoxo

  14. I love your message of hope! Your hope that you point others to is the only True Hope – Jesus!! He IS the TRUTH! God bless you, Caralyn, and Happy New Year! A new year full of HOPE!

  15. You are changing the world with your testimony and the truth of God’s word! What a mighty warrior you are! May God continue to bless and enrich your life, FAR beyond your wildest dreams!

    • Oh my gosh what a kind thing to say! Thank you so much! I am incredibly touched and humbled. Happy New Year! 🎉

  16. Caralyn, You are a gift to all who find you. Following you has been a like a journey with a best friend. You held back so little and yet kept us in the dark on your real feelings. Ha ha. I am looking forward to your thoughts this next year as this will be 20/20 ” a much clearer view on the World”. The warmest blessings to you.

    • What an incredibly kind thing to say! Thank you so much! Warmest blessings to you too in the new decade! Happy New Year! 🎉

  17. Carry those thoughts with you for the duration of 2020. It’s natural to have doubts enter as we are human but the wise man puts it this way. “You can’t stop the birds flying over your head but you can stop them nesting in your hair.” Brush the doubts away as problems arise and they will this year. But keep your confidence in the discovery God not only created us as His own children but he wants us to maintain a relationship with him through life to come. Our passport to heaven has been already created when Jesus died on the cross. But when God summons us we are expected to pick up that passport with Jesus signature on it instead of our own and march right into His presence by faith. If we choose not to pick up the passport and take it with us thinking we are righteous enough to make it to heaven in our own right without Jesus then it will result in an eternal separation of our choice, not His. 🙂

    • Thanks Ian 🙂 yes! Jesus is our passport to heaven – I absolutely love that. Happy New Year! 🎉 Hugs and love xox

  18. Our True worth is the way God sees us (me), and the qualities God knit in me (us) should show to others as to who God is and what we (collectively or individually) are. -Jeff

    • So glad this resonated with you!! Amen to that. Happy New Year! 🎉 Hugs and love xox

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