A Free Fall of Trust

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I was spending the week with my parents last week, and I’m always so grateful for the conversations that inevitably end up happening.

My husband has to travel to New York once a month for work, and so I get to spend some time with my parents, as I hate staying alone 😉

But my mom and I were having a heart to heart just about life recently.

Ever since I went to inpatient treatment for anorexia back when I was a senior in high school, my life has really never been the same.

Not because of the fact that I kicked my eating disorder to the curb and adopted recovery…that is, safe to say, a life-changing outcome of that experience.

But rather, the igniting of my faith, and the radical trust and dependence on God that I developed as a result.

Now that has been the most life changing outcome. Because frankly, recovery wouldn’t have happened without the trust and reliance on God.

But we were talking about how, since then…some 16 years ago, the way that I have lived my life has been radically different.

Before, I needed to be in control, in the driver’s seat, agonizing over every decision, with a white knuckle grip on an outcome I thought I could control.

But since inpatient, and realizing that I need to surrender my life — hand over my eating disorder to God — and put my life in His hands to guide and carry me through recovery, I have applied that to every aspect of my life.

And let me tell you, it makes life so beautiful.

I feel as though I am just in this free fall of trust. It’s scary to surrender your life, your choices, your everything to God, but there is complete peace when you do, knowing that God has everything under control. He wants good, good things for His children. And whatever His will is, whatever happens in life, I can trust knowing that it is what God wills for me.

Sometimes, when I think back to the pandemic, and how during that time, my husband and I fell in love, got engaged. He decided that he wanted to move to Cincinnati, we bought a condo, (which I didn’t live in until after we were married btw), got married, got pregnant on the first try and have a healthy baby girl on the way… I am saying these things just to show that I had surrendered my life to God.

My motto has always been, if it is in God’s will, it will happen. The door will appear, it will easily open, and I’ll feel total peace about it, no matter what is on the other side. And let me tell you — these doors have just kept opening and opening, and it’s been the most peaceful journey, knowing that I am right in the center of God’s will.

Are there things that I still worry about? Sure. My acting income has all but dried up because I’m pregnant, and blogging income has certainly slowed as TikTok has taken over the zeitgeist. But I know that a door will come along soon, or perhaps God is either redirecting me to another path, or He wants me to focus on growing this baby. Again — I’m just trusting in His goodness.

It’s that free fall of trust. Free fall is scary, yes, but there’s a peace that comes from completely surrendering to God.

Which leads me to the lead that perhaps I have not only buried, but completely impounded here….we bought a house. We’re moving.

Not out of Cincinnati, but rather, out of Downtown Cincinnati, and into the neighborhood where my parents live, and my sibling’s family live. 🙂 In fact, the house is a 3 minute walk from my parents’.

It is just crazy to think of the journey God is bringing me on. From wanting to be as far away from my past as possible and fleeing to NYC to rediscover who I am for 12 years, to moving back home right down the street from my parents.

God brought the most incredible man into my life during that time. A man who, not only would love me in a way that reflects and affirms God’s love for me, but who would lead us in both our walk with Christ, and lead us back to Cincinnati.

I tell him every day that he’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

And this house that we bought — it was another thing that we know God orchestrated.

It never even went on the market. It was a pocket listing. There were five other offers on it. We saw it on a whim on Sunday morning at 9am, made an offer at 4:45, and two hours later it was accepted.

During the whole process, we just prayed that His will be done. If we were supposed to be in that house, we trusted that God would make it happen, and if not, we knew it wasn’t “the one.”

We submitted our offer and then ran to Mass at 5, and during Mass, we just prayed: to let His will be done, and if this house was not what He wanted for us, — if it was going to be too much of a financial burden, if now was not the right time being pregnant, if there was something else He had planned for our future, then give us peace in the outcome instead of disappointment.

And sure enough, the realtor called us on the way home from Mass: we got the house.

A free fall of trust.

The last thing I’ll say is this: at inpatient, one of the biggest things I was afraid of, that was really keeping me entrenched in my anorexia was the fear of my future.

I couldn’t see beyond the hell I had created for myself — it was a tunnel vision of food restrictions, a relentlessly exhaustive exercise regimen, keeping all the lies and deception going, desperately obsessing over over tenth of a pound on the scale. My life was in a word: frantic. And as a result, I couldn’t even imagine a life beyond anorexia.

I couldn’t even imagine a world where I was free. And I couldn’t even remember life before the eating disorder.

I was so fearful that if I let go of the eating disorder…something that I could control…I don’t even know what would happen. I had set the bar of perfection so high for myself — with failure not being an option — that I would rather have to quit by default than not achieve perfection. (AKA: enter anorexia.)

I was crippled with the fear: what would a not perfect future look like? Who would I even be if I wasn’t killing myself trying to achieve perfection?

It was only in surrendering that future to God and actually putting my trust — my life — in His hands that I found peace and strength to adopt recovery.

That is what I mean by a freefall of trust. It is scary to relinquish control over your life. But there is so much peace in knowing that He’s got you.

So that was a bit long tonight, but that’s where my heart is right now. This explains my absence on Monday, as I was dealing with mountains of paperwork for the sale and getting ready to list our condo. But again, Steven and I are just in so much peace that this is where God wants us!

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your friendship. And thank you for walking with me through this crazy adventure of life.

Published by

Unknown's avatar

beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

38 thoughts on “A Free Fall of Trust”

  1. What a blessing it is to see how far the Lord has brought you in the few years I’ve followed you. I remember large hats and a hint of chin… and now you are full circle with a new heart and new life! Wow. May He continue to guide your steps.

    Like

  4. Congratulations, Caralyn! I am so happy for you & Steven, for your parents who get to have you & their granddaughter 3 minutes away, and for the future God has for you. Thank you for keeping us in the loop as your amazing life unfolds. God bless you!

    Like

  7. Beautiful observations of your overall journey. May your condo sell as easily! I can’t imagine that it won’t; it’s so beautiful. Just bake some bread before you show it; it will smell warm and cozy!

    Like

  8. Squeeellllll!! I’m soooo happy for you and your hubby and child! And your parents! He’s such DM Ephesians 3:20 kinda God! Exceedingly, abundantly BEYOND anything we could ask, think or imagine!! You look beautiful and I just love to see all this! Many prayers!! 🙏🏻

    Peach

    Like

  10. Oh my goodness did I ever immediately go to “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” movie when you told us you’re going to be living three minutes from your parents! I sooo LOVE that for you and your family! And as always I find spiritual encouragement in your posts. I have had a completely rotten day and my attitude towards the Lord matched it. And then I read this sentence, “And whatever His will is, whatever happens in life, I can trust knowing that it is what God wills for me.” – well that gave me pause to say the least. I’ve been chewing on that since I read it. And I can tell that it is softening my heart to choose a different perspective. Maybe now I’ll quit being a jerk in my heart towards the Lord (today has just been a super frustrating day). Maybe I can ease up on my anger (and fear) of continuing unanswered prayer(s) and settle them into His will. . . for now. Maybe there is hope there is a “Mary” in me, and not always the “Martha”. Goodnight All

    Like

  16. Praising God right along with you, Caralyn! He is so good and faithful! Your testimony here has encouraged my faith greatly. So thank you 😊
    Love, Annalee

    Like

  17. Hey Caralyn 🙂

    Thank you for your thoughtful posts!

    Here you’ve delved deeper into stuff you mentioned that you wanted once — perfection? control? … ? (I already commented on that earlier post)

    And you often reiterate how lucky you are to have found your better half (LOL). These two things I feel are somewhat related: Perfection and completion. I have learned that I do not even aim for perfection — because: what would I do then? If I were ever perfect, I’d be finished … but I also want to live some more, so why would I ever want to be finished?

    Completion is sort of like a recognition of this insight. We want to breathe, and the air we breathe in completes us. We breath out, and what we exhale completes other living things. We do not want to be perfect or complete ourselves; we are happy that others complete us.

    🙂 Norbert

    Like

  18. You should consider writing…more. I know you’ve written a book but you could write wonderful, uplifting, encouraging, inspiring books on so many topics, especially faith or rather your faiths role in every topic, circumstance, situation and stage of life.
    I’d read those books.
    You have been given a gift of being able to connect, inspire, uplift and encourage others as well as a gift of being able to communicate those things with the written word.
    Your exercising those gifts would be good for all of us, good for you and your family as it would allow you to work from home and raise your babies and above all….glorifying to God. 💕

    Like

    1. Hi Laura 🙂

      I agree — in part.

      I wholeheartedly agree that Caralyn writes very well.

      But I have rather unique views on publishing. And branding. And stuff like that. I have rather unique views on a LOT of things! (LOL)

      I write about this stuff a lot, but few people read about it. IMHO this has to do with people’s literacy skills. For example, many people do not understand very much about advertising, or propaganda, or how they’re related, etc. Some people think “Google” is a word — it isn’t (if I started selling “Google” t-shirts, I’d prolly get a call from some sort of legal person trying to explain trademarks and stuff like that).

      So, to make a long story short ( #BigSighOfRelief ), I think maybe Caralyn should go out and register a domain name like “religion” or “recovery” or whatever (i.e. whatever Caralyn cares about enough to make a down payment — which would hopefully be relatively affordable compared to the new house 😛 ) and then write about whatever she feels is relevant at that address. I suggest this to anyone & everyone, actually. FB? YT? All brand names. Trademarks. Not you or me, not Caralyn. Not ANYTHING.

      The advantage or words (aka “natural language” — the stuff in the dictionary) is that no one can legally trademark them. No one can get a piece of paper that says something like “I OWN this concept”. If other people care about the word, then they will ultimately engage there … once they figure out that all of Silicon Valley is actually trying to dupe them and get them hooked on stuff that is not good for their health.

      🙂 Norbert

      Like

  19. Caralyn, I cried as read this. Your story of surrender and how it has led to where you are now might be the most beautiful blog you have ever written. May God bless you and your growing family. I’m praying for you.

    Like

    1. Reading this, is what I needed to hear/read at the moment. I’m in a state of “Limbo” between life plans and major changes.

      Like

  20. Congratulations on your house purchase! It will be so wonderful for y’all to be close to your parents as you grow your own precious family. Prayers for a smooth moving process, and hopefully a quick sale of y’all’s condo.

    Like

  21. “If it is in God’s will, it will happen.” This is true up to a point. There are things Father would NOT will for His children, yet He allows them to happen. Of course, Job comes to mind along with all those heroes of faith in Hebrews 11. Just be sure to not stop reading at verse 34 the way many prosperity gospel preachers do, because the list goes on to others “of whom the world was not worthy.”
    And you and Steven are the new young heroes of the faith, that no matter what God brings into your life, I am confident you will continue to walk in the Way.
    As a 17-year-old Lane Martin wrote to me once:
    “Nothing happens TO a Christ-follower. Filtered by His love, it only happens FOR us.” Remember this when times become difficult.
    ❤️& daily🙏s, c.a.

    Like

  22. All I can say is praise God! Proverbs 3:6 In all they ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Your little girl is a very blessed little girl. Right now and for the next 18 years or more you have the best and greatest opportunity for a young mom. Pour your life into her, not to spoil her but to train her to be a godly woman. It will pass fast so don’t miss a minute of it. Always keep your marriage first, kids add to it they don’t replace it.

    Like

    1. Praise God indeed! I love that – pour my life into her to be a godly woman. That is such a beautiful thought. I just have to trust that God will show me how to do that, and guide me and Steven in the decisions and the example that we set that will help her fall in love with Christ. Thank you for the wonderful advice! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  23. Your post resonates with the fact that totally trusting God is a place of peace. I love how God has led you and Steven, and how you share it with us and help increase our faith. Our daughter and SIL wanted to leave Houston so badly, but most definitely when their son was born 15 months ago. The story is too long to share here, but in October our friends put their house on the market, our daughter and SIL’s offer was accepted, and then their house near Houston was listed. The market down there is slow. It was taking awhile to move and we were concerned. We prayed along with our friends here for a cash offer. I went down to help while our SIL was out at sea for his job. I prayed that before I left Houston a cash offer would come. On our drive to the airport to take me to catch my flight home, her realtor called with news of a cash offer. It was for the full amount! What a miracle! They now live 12 minutes from us and we are enjoying our precious time with them and with our grandson!! The verse God gave me during all this: “…we have placed our hope in the living God!” Congrats on your all’s home purchase and praise God for your testimony of faithfulness!

    Like

    1. Hi Patty, OH MY GOSH, what a beautiful story of trust!! wow – God is so incredible, thank you for sharing that! God always makes a way, we just have to trust and be patient! 🙂 sending so much love xox

      Like

  24. As always, I just praise God! Woohoo! I have followed you through so much of your journey – You have impressed me with you bold declaration of faith and, YUP, TRUST! I’m so excited for you! Hooray! Step by step God brings us to places we never thought we’d be and HE orchestrates a way. For this, I’m humbly grateful. Sending so much love, Laurie

    Like

    1. Amen!! He is just showering us with blessings right now, and we are just receiving it with gratitude and open arms! He orchestrates a way for sure!! Hugs to you, Laurie! xox

      Like

  25. Congratulations on all counts!! There is no peace like trusting God with everything… and He truly cares about every aspect of our lives, right down to our home. How wonderful to be so close to “grandparents” as you raise your child!! I had that same joy raising my sons. Yeah God!!!🥰

    Like

    1. thank you Jen! you’re right about that — that peace is absolutely life changing. The more we look for His workings, the more we find it! Yeah God!!! 🙂 Hugs and love xox

      Like

    1. Thank you Jeff!! things are moving fast over here, to say the least! hope you are well! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  28. I have to admit that I look at you and it scares me. I doubt I will ever trust again. I am so glad for you and please forgive my scepticism but to quote Juice Newton Love has been a little bit hard on me. Never let go of who you are because believe me it is about to become a whole lot harder.

    As you go through the challenges every parent faces you will not be happy if you find yourself always the one at home with the baby, much as you will love her.
    He has to do some night duties. I always figured he was working so it was my job but he needs to share in the.sleepless nights too to feel like a real parent. I remember one of our male teachers at secondary school telling us he had been up half the night with his baby.il I don’t know much about Philippino men but men seem to revert to their cultural norms when it comes to fatherhood. Make sure you know what to expect. You might be shocked how much he will change

    At least you have your parents there as back up if he does suddenly turn into a card carrying Neanderthal which is what happened to me.
    What’s the old adage; The standard you look past is the standard you accept.

    You are dealing with a different and an infamously male worshipping culture. Read up a little about Philipiinno families Your husband in my experience will fall back on what he knows in this new life stage. If you don’t want that you had better talk about it ASAP.
    Mixing cultures is hard. Make sure you both understand the challenges ahead.
    Sorry to rain on your parade but as I understand it, the Philopines is pretty traditional.

    Like

    1. Nip things in the bud before you end up catching a glimpse of yourself in a shop window and thinking,
      “Who the h$ll is that?”which is what happened to me, I had to claw my way back from there.

      Like

  29. I could write a whole blog on things not to do as a parent because I have done them all. Things like don’t laugh if your daughter gets atuck in the rabbit cage or tell her that parents were making escape bids off the roof at their Christmas band concert. Fortunately I had taken my friend who was much more civilised than me. She just giggled about it afterwards. Honestly sometimes if you don’t laugh you’ll cry.

    Like

Join the Conversation!