Right Where We Are

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It’s four am, and you look in the mirror, sick and tired of doing the thing you swore you absolutely would no longer do.

You woke up with the best intentions, but by the end of the day, you’ve fallen flat on your face…again.

Why?!!

Sound familiar?

I know this all too well. It may have even inspired this post 😛

This is not a new phenomenon. Even in the Bible, people were banging their heads against their mud hut walls in exasperation.

Romans 7:15: I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do.

Ummm, yeah.

Maybe you over-exercised. Restricted. Gave into destructive ED-thoughts. Binged. Hurt yourself. — And it doesn’t even have to be ED related. Maybe there’s something in your life that you just. can’t. stop. doing. Gossiping. Lying. Cheating. Harboring anger or jealousy. Hello — I just scratched the surface of my “list.”

But that feeling at the end of the day sucks. You lie awake, stare at the ceiling and are just angry at yourself. Furious that you aren’t strong enough to just F-ing get your life together. To stop doing this destructive behavior or thought process.

And you know what this often makes me do?

Hide from God. Avoid him. Cower in shame.

But here’s the truth. And, believe me, I’m not “preaching” here. I’m saying this for my own benefit tonight, and you guys are just on the listening end of what I’m reminding myself this evening.

But the truth is this: just as I am right now: broken, disheartened, stuck in a destructive pattern, feeling ashamed, feeling unworthy — this feeling of just shit — God will take me.

Just as I am.

In this moment.

Right now.

He’ll take me and love me. And the same goes for you.

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The Lie that I’ve battled since the beginning of my anorexia, and that still can haunt me now, even though I’m no longer in my disease, is that I have to be perfect in order to be loved.

And that transfers to a lot of other areas of my life: including my relationship with God.

I feel that in order to be loved by God, I have to have everything all figured out. I have to have everything together. I have to stop doing X, and do Y more, and definitely get Z out of my life altogether. I have to be perfect.

But that is a lie.

That is what ED wants me to believe.

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God wants me right where I am. Right now. In this brokenness. He wants to just take me and love me and heal that brokenness and fill my spirit with the joy and peace that comes from Him.

And the same goes for you.

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We’re not unqualified for His love because of anything we’ve done in the past. And if you’re anything like me, there’s probably quite a “checkered history” there. And conversely, there’s nothing we can do to earn that love either.

We’re wanted as is. You. Me. And all of our collective baggage.

He’ll take it all.

He’ll take you. He’ll take me. Right where we are.

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32 thoughts on “Right Where We Are

  1. “Just as I am, though tossed about
    With many a conflict, many a doubt;
    Fightings within, and fears without,
    O Lamb of God, I come, I come!”

    Praise almighty God for being the way He is and taking us just the way we are!

    I also offer thanks to you, young lady, and lift you up before God, praising Him for the gift of your words which remind us of the power of His love, which enables each of us to walk, run, or crawl to Him and come to Him……just as we are.

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  2. The key for me wasn’t in trying to ‘be’ but in surrendering myself as Is to Jesus, living in me. I never struggled with an eating disorder but at one time, I was very broken. I healed and got better. I know you can too. Focus on your future hope and let Jesus take over. God bless.
    Love,
    Pam

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  3. “is that I have to be perfect in order to be loved.”

    I think a lot of time (I’m going to stay away from the religious aspects of your post for obvious reasons and because I think this is a powerful post) we love people because of their faults. When someone dies, for example, we often remember and laugh about their faults, rather than harp on their best qualities. We miss those things when they’re gone. Our faults belong to us and they help shape who we are as people.

    I also don’t think you need to be perfect to be loved. You can be loved no matter where you are right here on Earth.

    Good post. Very touching and honest.

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  4. This was beautifully written. Very honest, very exposed. Thank you for posting this. It reaches more people than just those facing or have faced an eating disorder. God bless.

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  5. Once you have accepted Christ, your past is not only forgiven, but FORGOTTEN by God. Conviction of your heart is what He wants. Repentance is a complete 180, not just away from sin, but towards God.

    God does love you where you are, when you are, and how you are. If you’re still struggling with your past failures, between you and God, your the only one. Take off that heavy backpack full of sins (whatever they are) and leave it at the cross. This is not always as easy as it sounds, but once you do this, life changes! So much freedom! For me at first, it was a “scary” freedom, because I didn’t know how to act. Eventually I realized, God does not want us to act, He wants us to be.

    Your “story” is YOURS! Own it, but don’t dwell on it. God doesn’t, and he will use your “story” to glorify Him!

    Rest easy, (amazing, perfect for what God created you for) young lady. To God and other disciples, you’re already perfect!

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    • While all that you say is certainly true, Dan (and very welcome news to those who don’t understand, I might add), I believe that the author most definitely already understands all of that quite well and demonstrates that understanding not only in other articles she has written, but in this one specifically. Quite effectively, in fact.

      I am thoroughly convinced that she knows where to turn for help, and she understands more about God’s grace, mercy, and forgiveness than the average person – Christians among them. I believe the proper perspective with which to view the words she so eloquently chooses to employ to help others who are afflicted with a similar disorder as hers is found in the next to the last sentence you wrote, but you utilized the wrong tense. God is ALREADY using her in a HUGE way to help those who struggle in general, but very specifically those who with eating disorders. And her willingness to show how the struggle is ongoing helps others to not give up on themselves.

      God forgets, but we still struggle, and He knows we do, and we will..

      I can tell from the comments left here that many individuals have already been helped, encouraged, enlightened, and uplifted by her words in the short time she has been a presence, myself included, and I am not similarly afflicted.

      Yes. God is using her well. I am touched with sadness for all she has gone through – and continues to go through – in order to be used in the manner she is, but at the same time, I am so very inspired by her courage and her faith, both of which are to be admired and held up as an example for others.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you Tony. I am humbled by such powerful and positive words. Thank you. Your continued support and encouragement seriously means the world, and I am so grateful for you! God bless 🙂

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    • Hi Dan, thank you for your comment! You’re right, God forgives us of everything in our past. And leaving it at the Cross was definitely the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m just trying to use my history to bring others to the healing power of our loving and forgiving Father. For it is in Him that my true recovery was found. Thank you for this encouragement 🙂 I appreciate it!

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  6. YES! This is why one of my favorite Bible verses is, “WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS, Christ died for us.” that is so powerful. He didn’t die for us because we are perfect. He gave his life for each one of us knowing that each of us would be a messy sinner! So humbling!

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  7. Romans 7:15 is one I run back to often. I guess there’s maybe some sort of sick comfort knowing that even Paul had this problem. OK. If I’m going to be crazy, at least I’m running with a decent crowd as opposed to everyone looking at me only being able to say, “DAMN!”

    I struggle to confess my sins to God. Sometimes I just feel like there’s no point. I’m going to be back here again tomorrow. Surely He’s sick of me coming around AGAIN! But I keep reminding myself, well, of all the things you expressed so well here. Your writing and message really does it for me, and I am grateful.

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    • Oh gosh, thank you so much, Jeffrey. I’m so glad this resonated with you. I look forward to looking that verse up. I am unfamiliar with it. But I DO know Paul’s story. Comforting indeed. And I don’t think Gods sick of you at all! I think He finds joy in you coming to Him! That’s just my two cents ❤️❤️❤️

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      • I don’t think He is either, but then I’ve got the human “I am not worthy” thing going, the lie I have to go against. That’s partly what was behind “Jesus is My Hero” a few days ago. Like you, Sometimes I’m just writing for myself and let others listen in. Again, I find your perspectives so helpful and expressions so clear. God is definitely using your talents for His work. And how cool is that! God is trusting part of His plans to your care. Doesn’t get better than that!

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      • Oh my gosh wow. Thank you. When you put it like that, it makes my spirit smile. Honestly, this blog is all God. I never know what to write about. I literally just sit down at the computer and am like”Ok God, what do you want me to say?” It is all Him. I’m just the broken mouthpiece. But seriously, Jeffrey, thank you for the affirmation. It means the world. God is good!

        Liked by 1 person

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