More than a Mirror

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I woke up this Sunday morning with a pit in my stomach.

Bleary eyed, groggy, and frankly, just disappointed in myself.

Not for anything you’re thinking right now. Come onnnn people, get your minds out of the gutter. 🙂 You already know I’m saving myself until marriage.


But I was angry with myself for a different reason: I didn’t treat myself with love and respect the night before.

I think there’s a grave misconception about something:

Loving yourself.

I give a lot of lip service to those two, seemingly “okay-okay, enough already“-esq words.

We think…it’s something that you would tell a teenage girl, going through puberty with acne and a retainer.


“Love yourself, honey.”

Or, we think about someone looking in the mirror, unhappy with their appearance, pondering the Dove commercials. “Love yourself.”  And, yes, those are two things that “loving yourself” encompasses. However, when I talk about loving yourself, I’m talking about waaaaay more than just a mirror.

It dictates your behavior.

During the depths of my anorexia, self love was non-existant. The very essence of the disease seeks to destroy oneself. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, you’re slowing killing yourself. Blunt. But true.

There is no “self love” there. In fact, the exact opposite.

So, the biggest aspect of my recovery has been to learn how to reverse that mindset – which had been engrained in my head, conditioned as the norm,  and was my “autopilot” —  and learn to love myself.

And what I’ve learned is that this extends far beyond a mirror.


This past weekend, I experienced, firsthand, yet another area that is influenced by loving yourself: romantic relationships.

Now, I know, this is nothing new. You all know the journey my love life has been on.

But this was a new manifestation, if you will. And it revealed a gaping hole in my progress.

Self love also means not letting people treat you poorly. 

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To make a very long and complicated story short-ish, basically, a boy did not treat me with emotional respect. This boy I have a complicated history with, invited me to his party…where his new girlfriend was in attendance. But here’s the thing: I willing put myself in that situation where I knew my heart was going to be broken. I went and put on the the brave “we’re just friends” face, even though that’s not how my heart felt.

“Gurrrrl, you stand up for yourself, honey! Don’t you take that crap! Boy’s a player, ain’t got time for those games.”


Believe me. I’ve heard it. From my mom. From my friends. From my rational mind after the fact.

BUT. I still subjected myself to a situation where my finally “healed-and-moved-on” -heart would be reopened.

And I’m angry at myself, because I allowed it to happen. I allowed my heart to “go there” again, and let myself be disrespected emotionally.

It’s disappointing more than anything. Because here’s the thing: my actions communicated to myself that that’s what I think I’m worth. My behavior — going and seeing this guy that I still had feelings for, now with another girl — it communicated to myself, “You know what BBB? You’re really not worthy of being someone’s first choice.”


Acting with love for myself, I would have not gone. I would have not submitted my heart to being hurt like that. But I did, and it shows just how far I still have to go on my journey to true self love.


Yes, loving yourself means accepting the person staring back at you in the mirror. Embracing your freckles, accepting your imperfections, having confidence, “BOdy POsitivity” or BOPO, if you will.

But there are far “weightier” implications that those two little words have.

And that is, to demand to be treated with the respect you deserve. To only surround yourself with people who see you for the incredible person you are, and treat you as such.

It means saying no to things that aren’t good for you.


This looks different for everybody. Everybody has that one thing that they just can’t quit, try as they might. Be it, compulsive shopping, smoking, excessive partying or drinking, overeating, under eating, gambling, you name it. I found yet another “thing” this weekend: emotional irresponsibility.

Who knows, maybe I’m just being too sensitive. Making a mountain out of a mole hill.

But actions speak louder than words, and if I really reflect on my decision to submit myself to that emotionally hurtful situation, it communicates a lot.

At the end of the day, self love dictates everything we do. It’s the foundation we build our lives on. And if that foundation is grounded in fleeting things like money, or success, other people’s opinions, beauty, the latest fashions…we’re going to be in a world of hurt. It’s like building a house on sand.

But, if our lives are grounded in love – self love that comes from claiming God’s immense love for each one of us – we’re going to be able to withstand whatever comes our way.

So, no. Self love is not just about a mirror. That’s part – but only a very small part.


 

 

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

246 thoughts on “More than a Mirror”

  3. I love this! So beautifully written and so true. If only more women were demanding the respect they deserve, then maybe we could start changing the mindsets of the girls coming up generations behind us xx

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  5. It’s hard to express how I feel about this, but I love every point and quote you have made here. It is absolutely one of the bests posts I have ever read about how we should view ourselves, and treat ourselves. Superb is one word I thought of. The quote about being a masterpiece and a work in progress, is so so powerful. Thank you for writing this and sharing your journey. Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Nicodemas. Wow, thank you for such kind and validating words. It means the world. I’m so glad it resonated with you. that quote is one of my favorites too–story of life: always a work in progress, yet always a masterpiece 🙏 Thanks for stopping by! Hugs xox

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      3. I so agree – loving yourself is not just about liking what you see in the mirror although I haven’t even completely mastered that yet I still have a touch of Body Dysmorphic Disorder though nothing like it was. It is about treating yourself with respect, not allowing yourself to be disrespected and not allowing yourself to be hurt. I’m learning how to do that, pulling away from a guy I thought I was in love with who wasn’t interested in me. Every time I saw him it was painful – now I don’t phone him, don’t email don’t text and it is much better. I guess you need to put in some distance between you and this guy at the party to protect yourself.

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      4. Thanks for this insight Caroline. You’re so right-gotta protect my heart, and putting distance between myself and the guy is definitely a good way to do that. Thanks for that:) so glad that your BDD is doing better☺️ that’s awesome. You go girl. Hugs to you xox

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  6. Beautiful words BBB! You again have encouraged me to love me! It’s something I too struggle with and have come to realize the children I teach can pick up on self love. I need to love myself and take care of myself so that my students can learn from my actions!
    I love how you realized what you were doing and put a stop to those negative thoughts. Negativity unfortunately will always be in our lives, but we can be the ones who bring the positivity!!!

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    1. Thank you so much Hilary! You’re absolutely right. I think about the kids I nanny for-they can definitely pick up on self love. So I have to be aware of my actions for their sake too! But so true–we can bring the positivity! Thanks so much for stopping by! Hugs and love to you xox

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    1. Thanks Rick. Yes, loving ourselves can bring freedom to lots and lots of different areas of our lives. Thanks for sharing this reflection and taking the time to read. Hugs to you friend! Xox

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  11. Don’t be too hard on yourself, though. I must admit i am no better, in some way. I am crushing hard on a girl who has a boyfriend. 😦

    You’re a sweet girl. Remember Jesus loves you!

    And I think you are really awesome.

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    2. And between the two people I mention that thinks highly of you, the former is more important, I’d say. 🙂

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  13. I remember a time when I was asking God why I was being treated a certain way by some of the people I love and I will never forget His answer to me, I didn’t hear an audible voice but in my heart God said, ” do you want to know why they treat you that way” I said an emphatic YES because here was my answer and He said “They treat you that way because you let them”! Not the answer I was expecting but, it was clearly the answer I needed to hear, the truth no matter how much it hurts has the ability if received to set one free. Needless to say things in my life have changed and your post sheds more light on the insight God gave me that day 😉

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    1. Hi friend. Wow what an incredible experience! Thank you for sharing that. I definitely believe that God works in mysterious ways so I don’t doubt for a second that He was telling you what you needed to hear that day. And how true He is. We have to demand to be treated with the love and respect we inherently have as His children! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love to you xoxox

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  14. Thank you, BBB for the reminder. Loving yourself is the ability to understand the depth of God’s love for us. Be kind to yourself.

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  15. Such a depth and wisdom behind your sentiments. I invited people to hurt me, because I didn’t like who I was. Living a lie. Being the prototype we see glamorized. The traditions perpetuated. Now that I’ve stopped apologizing for who I am, and rid myself of those that didn’t appreciate our differences, loving myself is so easy. Before, it felt impossible. Great article.

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    1. Hi Noelle! Aw thank you so much. Amen sister. We should never apologize for who we are. Easier said than done and I’m definitely working on that. But you go girl! I’m cheering for you that you’ve found and embraced that freedom!! Hugs and love to you xoxox

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  16. Oh man girl I’m praying for you! Old loves are a hard thing. Each time mine contacts me, I have to tell myself that door is still firmly closed. I’ve reopened that wound before and it was stupid. Now that door is CLOSED no matter how vulnerable I feel. xoxoxo

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    1. So much truth in what you say, Ellie. SO much truth and SO much easier said than done! I’ll have to take a page from your book next time. But you’re right-gotta keep that door closed! Thanks for stopping by my beautiful friend! Have a lovely evening! Xox

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      1. yes, totally! It’s hard to realise it sometimes when everything is sorta going downhill, but we gotta keep working hard and we’ll get there! 🙂 oh and btw I just made a facebook page https://www.facebook.com/tifness/ it would mean so much to me if you check it out and tell me what you think? thank you so much! ❤

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  18. So true about emotional irresponsibility (ER). It IS so hard to quit. Years ago I finally began to realize that ER is just another self indulgence that sabotages positive progress made on whatever problem. Love your post, and as always, it is obvious you put your heart into it.

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  20. But…I like Yellow Starburst! 🙂

    Great post, as always. A wonderful reminder that those words “self love” and “love yourself” are full of meaning in many different forms.

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  21. This post really resonated with me because I’m going through a similar experience: feeling like this is something you should be telling a 13 year old girl, the “joys of dating” and kicking myself for not learning. I’m doing a lot of writing on it. I trust God, know He has a plan and someone special for me, but it still stings sometimes. Thanks for another eloquent post. I love your pictures. I love Mr. Bean. Best!

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    1. Thank you so much Cora. Oh my gosh I feel you! That’s exactly how I’m feeling too. I trust God’s timing, but it’s so hard to be patient! 🙈 one day at a time 🙂 thanks again for your readership and for you beautiful reflection! Hugs and love xox

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  23. I cannot even begin to express how much this post encompasses ME and how I treat myself emotionally. I’m in a place right now where I am desperately missing someone who has knowingly hurt me TWICE now by just abandoning me with no goodbye, no reason(s), just unanswered calls/texts/emails. Yet I STILL want him back.. And every day is a new struggle to NOT seek him out, to NOT leave him a note, to let him be G-O-N-E. I’ve prayed all the prayers; have him come back, hope he dies, help me just forget him, make me not love him. But the thing is I willingly put myself in that relationship a second time even after he promised me the world and then left. I’m still praying that God will reveal His love for me, and I will accept it, and eventually believe I deserve to be treated like the daughter of The King! Thanks for sharing girl! ❤

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    1. Hi friend. Oh gosh, I am giving you a big big hug through the computer right now! I completely feel you. It can be so hard to break away from those “comfortable” relationships. But you hit the nail on the head. You ARE the daughter of HE King and you deserve to be treated as such. And there is someone out there who will. God is forming His heart right now. We just have to trust His timing…which is easier said than done. Thanks so much for reading and sharing your heart. Hugs and love to you friend Xoxox

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  25. Perfectly written. But remember not to be so hard on yourself, we’ve all been there. Sometimes it isn’t so much that you don’t love or respect yourself, sometimes we just have to have that experience so we can finally close one chapter in order to move to the other. All that being said, you saw what you needed to see now don’t look back and don’t waste your tears on the one who made you cry!! Xoxo

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  26. Wonderful post 🙂 I agree with what everybody else said here that you should feel proud of yourself for not compromising your beliefs 🙂 Based on my experiences with other friends, If somebody sees their ex boyfriend or girlfriend with someone else, they might be upset for a while, but once they have found someone new, that person usually ends up being more their equal 🙂 I am pretty sure that will be the case with you as well 🙂 Whenever I am down, people around always gives me the comforting words of “Hang in there” and that is my advice to you, which is very encouraging as well 🙂 Anyway, keep up the great work as always 🙂 P.S. I love that Mr. Bean image in your post 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for this wonderfully encouraging response John. A lot of wisdom here. You’re right. God has someone special out here he’s preparing for me. And thanks- I like the bean man too☺️☺️B hugs xox

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  28. One thing you know – this has happened once, and it sure won’t happen again. We all have things like this so don’t beat yourself up. Learn (as you have) and walk on – head high. Bad things happen sometimes to strengthen us. Hugs!

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  29. I can soo relate to this post, not because of any guy but because I have such a hard time asserting myself and saying no when I should. People see me as a means to an end so I often get asked to do things because I have the resources to. These same people would never give me the time of day otherwise but suddenly I am their best friend because they need to use my computer or I can make them a website. I have noticed the trend. I get a text asking for a favor so they can help their friend. It’s always a simple favor but then they end up asking for more and more. I am not good at saying no. So it continues. Then hours later, they leave and I am super mad for for letting them use me. This happened to me last week. Inconvenienced my whole day! Then tonight I get a text to help my sister sew up rice bags for a friend who found out she has RA. And again I am starting to feel like I am just being used because my sister only contacts me for favors. I told her I didn’t know if I could help because we had a home project going on so she said she’d text me Saturday. I am just sick of it! But these people don’t take no for an answer either. If I say no, I will be asked again in a few days for something else. It does make me feel terrible. I just wish I was liked and loved for being me, not because I have resources or they can use me to get what they want. That’s fine at times but a relationship based only on opportunity and selfish gain is simply toxic. I need to learn how to say no better and to surround myself with people who honor my boundaries.

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    1. Hi friend. Thank you so much for sharing this. i’m sending you a big hug through the screen. I think you hit the nail on the head: you deserve to be with people who do honor your boundaries. You are an incredible person with a lot to offer, and you are worth being with people who recognize that, respect that, and celebrate the amazing human being that you are. I applaud you for being able to recognize the need to say no. that takes a lot of courage and maturity. Thanks for stopping by and for this wonderful reflection. sending so much love and hugs to you xoxoxox

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  30. God prepares love for us and sends it into the world to manifest as a relationship. The challenge comes when we try to attach it to a specific person before we’re really ready to receive it. We can see the possibility of the relationship in the person, and our heart cries out in longing for it. So I would say, yes, learn to love yourself first, because that includes knowing that you still need to prepare yourself to receive the love that is waiting for you. And be careful with projection: your friend may have been hoping that you’d meet someone special at the party!

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    1. Hi Brian! What great perspective. Thank you for that. It’s always helpful to see a situation through a removed pair of eyes. But you’re right – i do need to prepare myself for my future husband, just as he is being prepared for me. And the way that is done is by clinging to God and filling up on His divine love for me. thanks so much for stopping by and for your terrific insight, as usual. hugs to you friend!

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  32. Amazing post, you should be proud of what you’ve said because it’s so true and that’s the main thing. You’ve realised it, called it and are STRONG enough to start a fresh day tomorrow knowing that you will love yourself a little bit more 🙂

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  33. I really enjoyed reading this. Firstly, can I just say, I LOVED your Starburst quote 🙂 Secondly, regarding the party with the boy, I have certainly been there. We seem to love going back to that familiar pain. And even when I see posts or quotes and think “hey, I’m gonna be bad ass, I’m not letting people treat/talk to me badly anymore” it’s easier said than done. Slowly but surely though I am learning to love myself and treat myself better and in turn only allow others to do the same. One of RuPaul’s (one of my idols) quotes is “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else” which is certainly true but I also think it works the other way around. If you don’t love yourself, how will anyone else love you right? Enough of my ramblings, I enjoyed the post and will have to have a nose at other ones 🙂

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    1. Haha aw thank you-yeah I thought it was pretty fun. And wow-you’re so right. WAY easier said than done. And I love that quote-a lotta wisdom there. Thanks again for stopping by! So glad you liked the post! Hugs and love xox

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  34. absolutely enjoy reading your post – very real, very human and very woman 🙂 Somehow, I always manage to put myself in the same situation regardless of my friends’ and family’s warning… It’s like I have to see it for myself, feel the pain (or lack of it) for myself… I need to know… I want to find out if I am still affected or I will always wonder… Usually, I end up broken (hahahah) but, after a while, stronger….

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    1. Thanks Nina! That means a lot. Yeah, heeding our loved ones’ advice -especially when it involved romantic feelings of the heart-is always easier said than done. Thanks for stopping by and sharing this great insight! Hugs and love to you xox

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  35. So true!!! Sometimes I can be so focused on forgiving others that I forget Jesus would “slip away” from His tormentors, leaving them frustrated, NOT Himself. Your insight is dazzling. Thanks for being the light!!

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  37. This is such an important part of loving yourself but definitely not an easy lesson to learn! Trust me, been there done that. Like you said, the best thing to do is rely on God’s love, finding your worth in His eyes. Thank you for sharing another inspiring post! ❤️

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  38. I love your post. However, you are being way too hard on yourself. Everyone has these moments of doing something stupid because of a crush, if not than romantic comedies wouldn’t be so popular. Those feelings of twitterpation make us do dumb things. The thing to keep in mind is to learn from it. Years from now when you’re married, you’ll look back on those silly things you did and laugh. Then you’ll use them to teach your children to be careful making choices while under the influence of infatuation.

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  42. Your testimonials are so deep and touching. Its hard to remember ourselves when experiencing something negative from someone else. All we think of is how much we would like to go back to “how it was before the hurt started”. Always remember that the disappointment is not all your fault, or your fault at all. The hardest part is to come away from it knowing that you’re better off without the person that disrespected you. You don’t deserve someone who bails on you and mistreats you. Its good to write it out and get yourself past it. Yes, its hard. Biggest hugs that all gets better!!

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    1. Hey Migueltio! Thank you so much:) I really appreciate this encouragement and affirmation. You’re right. There someone out there who will treat me with that love and respect. Hope you have a great weekend! Thanks for stopping by! Xox

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  45. This article shows you have lots of self-love. Unlearning old ways takes time but you are well on your way! Keep up the awesum work and writing. In light and positive ClarityIsHip.com

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  46. Your this post is really awesome n i must say it is nothing less than a gr8 inspirational msg….for those individuals …who have forgot to luv themselves….!!!!!!

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    1. Thank you so much. You’re right- we do need to be fair and good to ourselves. It is one of the foundations upon which our lives are built. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love t you xox

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  49. BBB, it sounds like you really get what is at the core of true love; loving yourself. Thanks for being open with all that stuff about how being vulnerable and doing the right things for yourself.

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  50. I’m learning that being sensitive is OK. Recently I made a decision that seemed, well, pretty rash and naive to some people, it felt like I was expected to just stop trying to make my world more like what I want and accept it how it is, not be so SENSITIVE – and sure. I can’t change everything, but I can choose what voices I listen to, I can choose not to be desensitized to the negative world around me and not become any less empathetic for the other people who live in it. (I know this all probably is just a ramble) But the point being, be sensitive! Challenge the norm! Don’t feel like you can’t make a big deal out of choosing how you experience the world and society because you totally can, and YOU DO! And as Kid President would say, THAT is AWESOME! (:

    So I hope that made some semblance of sense 🙂 Have a great day!

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    1. Hi Carson. Such a great thing to learn: being sensitive is definitely okay. It IS awesome:) haha I love the Kid President☺️ I haven’t thought about that little guy is a long time so thanks for reminding me of that little ray of sunshine:) lots of wisdom here, friend. I appreciate your great perspective. Hugs xox

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