Et Tu, Beauty?

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

See what I did there? Et tu, Brute…Et tu, Beauty? *Air-fives self* 😛

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OK, so yeah, the title has to do with Caesar…buuut, I kinda feel like it sets the mood for this piece. Because we’re going…latin.

And not, Ricky-Martin-Livin-La-Vida-Loca-Latin, but dead-language, Roman-empire, biblical-times Latin.

Et tu, Brute literally means, “You too, Brutus?” They were Julius Caesar’s last words when he was assassinated by his close friend, Brutus. AKA, betrayal at its finest.

I like to imagine the scene with a young Brad Pitt playing Caesar, gazing with horror into the duplicitous eyes of Brutus, portrayed by a shirtless Zac Efron. 🙂

But I digress.

Given that we’re kicking off Easter week, this calls to mind another betrayal.

A betrayal that, in essence, allows the foundation of Christianity to come to fruition. I’m talking about Judas’ betrayal of Jesus.

Two sentence refresher: Judas was the “disciple-gone-bad” who led the soldiers to Jesus and ID’d him with a kiss on the cheek. These soldiers then arrested Jesus, where he was flogged, humiliated, and crucified.

In short, Judas was the ultimate betrayer.

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I have to be honest. For years, I carried around so much guilt and shame from the hurt and pain my anorexia caused my loved ones, and myself. It ate away at me.

And for a long time, I identified with Judas.

The low life, scoundrel that sold out Jesus for a small bag of money. The traitor. Back stabber. Scum on the bottom of your shoe. He, in so many words, began the killing of Jesus. He set the crucifixion in motion.

I, for a long time, likened myself to this betrayer. My anorexia was a direct and deliberate assault against the gift entrusted to me: my body. My body: the temple of the Holy Spirit. I was willingly and intentionally starving it, hating it, destroying it. Though not verbally, I was betraying and denying Jesus through my actions — I was worshiping another idol: my body, perfection, pride, self-centeredness.


Jesus — nailed to a cross to pay for our sins — to pay for my anorexia.

I very well could have been the one to deliver The Kiss.

And that shame that I carried seeped into every fiber of my being — how I saw myself, how I treated myself, how I allowed others to treat me.

Until…

I realized this one thing: Jesus on the cross is a sign of love.

Yes, it is reparation for our sins, but it is also the greatest demonstration of love, bar none.

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Jesus, on the cross, knew all the crap, all the lies, all the betrayals, all the skeletons that each and every one of us have in our closets. But even knowing that, He chooses to die anyway. He knew about The Kiss and still went to the cross so that it could be forgiven! So that my anorexia could be forgiven.

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But I had to claim that. I had to ask for forgiveness, and claim that new life in Christ and His work on the cross.

I decided right then and there that I was no longer dead with Judas the betrayer, but alive thanks to our risen Lord.

I adopted a new identity.

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Maybe some of this rings true for you. Maybe there’s something in your past that you just can’t forgive yourself for. Maybe you said something, did something, stole something, looked at something, hurt yourself or another person. Maybe you look in the mirror and that’s all you see.

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I did. All I could see when I looked at my reflection were the lies I told, the pain I caused my family and the betrayal of Jesus through the destruction of my body.

Claim your new identity in Christ.

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If He could go to the cross to forgive The Kiss, there’s hope for us all.

So, “Et tu, Beauty?” — No. Not anymore. I am no longer the betrayer, but the forgiven. The free.

 

*** Update!*** BBB is now on Facebook! Let’s be friends! 🙂

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

194 thoughts on “Et Tu, Beauty?”

  1. This is definitely my favorite post now from you! It gave me a total sense of peace. My youngest brother’s best friend committed suicide recently… The news is spreading fast and my brothers are trying to cope. His oldest brother (the young man who killed himself) was tragically killed in an automobile accident the day before Thanksgiving two years ago. My brothers have been trying to heal from that bout and now this. To read this post, on this day, feeling as though I’m helpless to those I love dearly is a great reminder that I’m not doing it alone. Thank you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh my gosh thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry for your loss. How truly tragic. Just being there for you brother and his friend in this time of need does more than you think. You’re a great sibling and friend. Wishing I could give you a big hugs through the screen. Thanks for reading. Xoxox

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I appreciate it! We’re all spread out (these things happen when you get older). But, I’ve communicated with my youngest brother, he’s managing. The oldest one doesn’t want to talk about it, that’s understandable. Me being the eldest, my mind goes to “find a resolution.” Well… I cannot. Thank you for opening the floor with this post. I’m sure others will benefit from it as well. Peace~

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  2. Amazing post, we all have the need to be lived and it’s hard to forgive when you can’t forgive yourself.
    I’m pleased you’ve found that peace and forgiveness. 😃

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I have to agree with trE above, this is just an awesome testimony! I could feel your love for God when I read it! It made me cry, but not with sadness. My friend and I when studying the Bible once had a big discussion about Judas and the contrast between him and Peter, both betrayed Jesus, but Judas never realized the forgiveness that was available to him, and Peter did. So congratulations for being more like Peter than Judas! I am so happy for you!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi Charlene, wow thank you for such kind words. It really means a lot. You’re so right! It’s funny, I was actually debating bringing up Peter because you’re absolutely right-he realized and accepted Jesus’s love even though he also betrayed Him. The difference between Peter and judas’ ending…powerful powerful thought. Thanks for stopping by! Sending hugs and love! Xoxoxo

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  4. Beautiful writing of the glorious TRUTH for all who will receive the grace and BE HEALED (spirit, soul, and body) as you have through faith in Jesus Christ, dear sister. God has gifted you as an evangelist and exhorter. Keep your eyes on Him to continue. I am praying that our praises (such as mine now) do NOT divert your heart from Him as can easily occur; the temptation to please people and gain more “followers” can be a subtle one to resist for us all. Praise God, so long as we look to Jesus and depend on Him like a little child, He is faithful to deliver us from every temptation. 😊 Love you!

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    1. Hi D, thank you so much☺️ wow I am just so humbled at your affirming words. Thank you. And yes-I so appreciate those prayers. I was actually thinking about this this weekend as I was writing-I had to remember: I have an audience of One. And that I need to just keep writing for why I started writing in the first place: to help even one person and share my story and Gods work in my life. Nothing more nothing less. Because you’re right, it can be a temptation. But God is good! Thanks for your constant support and love☺️☺️☺️ hugs to the moon!! ☺️❤️

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  5. There is another way to look at the cross and I’d like to explore it for just one moment. Don’t worry. No judgement, no condemnation, just a different perspective, that’s all.
    Christ was victorious over everything in his life. He told us how he did this in John 17. The Spirit of His Father was within Him His whole life. This is also referred to as the Spirit of Christ or the Holy Spirit. We can call it the Family Spirit.
    So Christ didn’t do anything wrong or deserving of the cross. We all know this and emphasize it much. We alway say He was there in our place.
    So let’s switch it around for just a moment. If He was in our place, He was also showing us the way. His whole life was guided by the Holy Spirit. This is the same Spirit that is offered to us. It is in us if we take it and just follow the example, the footsteps.
    So what if Christ illustrated the way to overcome death through that same Spirit. He dies on the cross and three days later it is seen that it cannot hold him.
    Perhaps there is a message here. I can do all things through Christ (His Family Spirit) who strengthens me. See. He did it in Spirit. So can I, with the same Power. No guilt. Christ showed the way.

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    1. Hi friend! Thank you so much for this beautiful perspective. I think you’re right-there is POWER in the spirit! With Him (three-in-one) we can get through anything. He did not leave us orphans, but gave us an advocate. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Great post 🙂 The Judas references sprinkled throughout this entry coincides perfectly with the theme of past regrets. In the past, all of us have something that we regret and the connection to the story of Judas is surprisingly the one a lot of us think of. Nevertheless, we all end up forgiving ourselves eventually and in the process, we learn to heal 🙂 I am glad that is happening for you as well 🙂 Anyway, keep up the great work as always 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You are such a Blessed Spirit. God is working through you. He took something that was negative for you and made you into a better person that’s shining a spiritual and inspirational light on others. You are speaking from your truth and that is the best. I say keep on shining your light leading others from what maybe their darkness. God Bless you lady.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Corrie:) that means the world. God is pretty awesome how He can turn darkness and pain into healing and peace. Praise be to Him! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  9. Oh man this hits babe! I held onto so much shame and guilt for the things I’ve done, the people I may have hurt. The tough part was, those people, my family, they would say “I forgive you” and then proceed to blackmail me the next instant they needed to with the guilt they knew I still felt. Not pretty, feel me?
    So, I had to forgive myself, know that God forgave me and let it go. Once I stopped feeling bad about it, I can hear the things those family members say and not be connected to it. That was my past. I am not that. I am Christ’s child, new every morning.
    xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Ellie! Aw thanks girl☺️ oh gosh, I’m sorry about that. You’re such a strong young woman. You’re right- forgive yourself and dwell in the peace and assurance of Gods forgiveness. Letting go is so freeing. And amen amen amen. New every morning. I love that. Thanks for stopping by love:) sending massive hugs xoxo

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  12. This is a powerful post! You have really touched on some deep things that can bring healing to many who suffer from deep-rooted pain. Thank you for being transparent and sharing your heart. I can feel the presence of the Lord in your writing. Indeed, we are all new creations through Christ Jesus! Praise God. Blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Beauty!! First, after reading you every day for awhile now, I’ve been going through serious withdrawal! I’ve missed the frequent exchanges with you and all of the new perspectives you provide.

    As I read this, I kept thinking, “No, Beauty! You aren’t at all like Judas! He made a choice. You had a brain wired for ED – you didn’t have a choice!”

    But as I read, I realized Judas had the same…predisposition?…you do. You both had your built-in temptation. The big difference is that YOU had the courage to ask Jesus. What if Judas had come back, tail between his legs? But no, he offed himself instead of trusting Jesus just once more.

    Some people have greater predispositions than others. You had a doozy. You got one, last-ditch chance to connect and took it. Now you are a blessing to me and so many others. I, for one, thank God for you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Jeff, wow thank you for this kind note☺️ I thank God for you too! You have been such an incredible supporter, it absolutely blows me away. You’re a really great friend:) and you’re right-judas could have come back—like Peter did. But instead, he believed that his offense was unforgivable. I praise God that He rescued my heart. Thanks for reading Jeff! Have a great night! Hugs xoxoxox

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Great post, very powerful! Though you may have been in kinda the same situation as Judas, you already are much better than him because you realize that you are Christ’s child and you have opened up to Jesus! Indeed, we are all Christ’s children and Jesus went to the cross for us. In general, it’s great that you’ve stopped anorexia and have been successful on the road to recovery! xox SS

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Hi BBB –
    I wrote about this a couple weeks ago, but I read this reflection which I think is pretty interesting. As you say, Our Lord died on the cross because He values our lives perfectly; and He would have died on the cross just the same if you or I were the only person who ever existed. So our true value is His life — like that’s how much we mean to Him, each individually: We ‘cost’ the value of His life, His spilt blood — God’s life. So anyway the point is that by betraying Him through physically harmful actions (e.g. anorexia), we are implicitly saying to Him: “No, Lord, You value me too much. You were wrong.” And while that might sound like humility, it’s sort of profound to say that we think we are smarter than God.

    Anyway just a ramble. Hopefully there is something there. (And wasn’t picking on you with the anorexia. We all have problems past and present)

    Happy(?) Holy Week 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi MM! Thank you so much. I know isn’t that an incredible thought? He loves us THAT much. It brings me to my knees. An no, I didn’t think you were picking on me at all:) thanks for stopping by! Xox

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      1. Made me cry… The beauty of it all and your powerful walk. In Hawaiian we say IMUA – keep moving forward

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  21. Wow! This is such a wonderful message! Thank you so much for sharing especially such personal details. A great testimony to how we are saved and made new. The sentence “my anorexia was a direct and deliberate assault against the gift entrusted to me: my body” really resonated with me and when I used to struggle with self harm, something I’ve told few people. Thank you for showing courage and being a great example of how to bring it all back to God! Have a great Easter xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much:) I’m so glad this resonated with you. I’m sorry that you struggled with self harm. I’m so glad you found freedom:) God is good. Thanks for stopping by! Sending you so much love and hugs xox

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  23. I am currently struggling with meal acceptance, again. In my mind I see ‘what are you if you are not nothing?’ As in Nothing as a name, a noun, me. Without lying about what I’ve eaten, saying I’m just dandy, I’m not counting calories, I’m lost. It’s the only control I have. I’m sure that makes sense and doesn’t at the same time. I don’t see the uplifting person I try to portray myself as in my blog posts at the moment.

    Your post really hits home with me. I thought I was doing okay, and suddenly I wasn’t. The shame is all consuming. I thank God every day I have breath in my lungs, despite hating the body which surrounds them, the mind that plots against them.

    Sobbing in my room, holding my little boy, I’m reading this post over and over. I know it’s what I need to hear. Because He loved me first. Because He gave his only son so that I could be set free…from all of this. 💜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi friend, thank you for sharing this. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I have BEEN THERE. I so feel for you. I can remember that exact thing-holding and rocking myself at inpatient, terrified, ashamed, wanting to quit–girl I get it. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing caring for your body. You deserve life. Freedom. Love. You deserve it all. You’re worth it. Because exactly what you said–He gave it all so you could be set free. He wants that for you. Don’t feel ashamed because you’re struggling. We are human. Claim the strength of Christ. When we are weak, He is strong. I pray that as you hold your little boy, you can feel Jesus’ arms holding you and comforting you at this very moment. Love you warrior xoxoxooxox

      Liked by 2 people

  24. What a beautiful emotional post, full of healing and power, so very happy that you have found peace within yourself. There’s no greater love in the world than that we have with ourselves and our God. Blessings to you beautiful lady. xo

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  25. I am so glad you wrote this. I love Easter. It is more than bunnies and eggs. We forget that we can be forgiven because of Christ. It’s not just forgiveness either, it’s also being “succored” in all our pains, sorrows, and troubles. You are beautiful writer, a beautiful girl, and a beautiful disciple of Christ.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. YOU are an inspiration to others whether it’s about your journey with anorexia or overcoming it with the Help of God! Keep shining Hun 🌹❤️
    Xoxo Lady Sergine

    You welcome love! Sorry for so many typos !! Ughh❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Reblogged this on dangerous faggotry.com and commented:
    I just awoke from yet another dream where I was being taunted for my past sins.

    I realized what had happened, and immediately instructed Satan and his demons to get behind me, as it was written.

    The revelation that Satan was the causal factor behind all sin and suffering on our planet enabled me to not only forgive myself, but to forgive all other people. And to do so as Christ instructed us: to forgive completely, without waiting to be asked, and to proceed with our lives as if the sin had never occurred.

    As Titus says in the Tragedy of Titus Andronicus, “Be pitiful to my condemned sons, whose souls are not corrupted as ’tis thought.” Kinda like, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” Kinda like, “Lord, lay not this sin to their charge.”

    God created Lucifer. God will take care of him. Do not let him terrorize you.

    When we allow Christ to cleanse our hearts, the Father will provide us with everything that we need. If your heart is troubled, crack a window and listen to some music–let that Holy Spirit enter in to comfort you.

    Dreams are just dreams. Emotions are just emotions. Temptations are just temptations.

    God sees all, and believe me, He understands what you’re going through. And He cares most about what you choose to do; your perceptions, feelings, and thoughts have been contaminated by Satan. He knows this.

    Remember Christ’s Commandment–that we love each other as He did; that means without judgement or condition.

    “When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.”

    “Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom.”
    And Jesus said unto him, “Verily I say unto thee,

    TODAY SHALT THOU BE WITH ME IN PARADISE.

    AMEN

    Liked by 1 person

  36. I’ve shared too – Satan is such a subtle deceiver but all he knows is how to lie. The truth is You are free in Christ, covered by His Blood. By His wounds you are healed whether it is physical or emotional/mental sickness.

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  37. Your story about “The” story was great. I like the images you use in your posts. They add to your message. At the very end you show half of a picture of yourself. From what I can see you are beautiful. Don’t be shy. Show us the whole you.
    In Christ’s love,
    Russ P.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Russ, thank you so much! I really appreciate it. Aw, that’s kind of you to say☺️ and I’m glad you like my quote art! They’re a bit of a labor of love to make, but I really do enjoy it☺️ thanks for stopping by! Hugs xox

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  39. Wow, this is awesome. I don’t read your blog because I have an ED (I don’t, well, unless eating unhealthy counts…); I read it because you’re a great writer and you seem to be such an honest soul. I’m sorry for the struggles you’ve had to endure, but you’re clearly a fantastic human being – don’t ever let the boogie man tell you anything else.

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  40. Your words are inspirational. Alleluia Praise the Lord!!! Even Judas would have got healing. Shame that he had to end it that way because Jesus would have carried his sins to the dross as well, if only he had asked for forgiveness, that’s how merciful our Lord is. So for your followers out there, no sin is unforgivable in God’s eyes as long as you are truly sorry and you atone for them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there! Oh thank you so much! You’re so right-the difference between he and Peter is pretty astounding. Both betrayer a but how their fates ended so differently. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love cxox

      Like

  41. What a wonderful post…praying you will always know such freedom. When you share how Christ has changed your life it opens the door for others to accept His grace and find freedom in Him as well. Thank you for using the gift of writing that He has blessed you with to bless so many others.

    Liked by 1 person

  45. Your post is wonderful, as always. Your insight is such an inspiration. The contrast between Judas and Simon Peter is a powerful teaching that is just as relevant today as it was then. Satan sought the destruction of both men, as he does with all men, but Jesus had this to say in Luke 22:31-32: “And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat: But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.” You are blessed like Peter, who repented.and received forgiveness, healing, and strength to go on to share that strength by encouraging the brethren. God has his hand on you, and will never forsake you, because you have been tried in the fire and found faithful. You are His. Praise God on High! In the beginning of your journey, it sounds like many followers supported your efforts to be an overcomer. But through faith, your pain has been turned into a great victory not only for yourself, but for many others like myself, who are now being encouraged and supported by you – just like Jesus said. Thank you for being His obedient servant to us all. Love to you in Christ, our Lord.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sherron! Gosh, thank you so much. Yes! Peter vs judas is so powerful. Both betrayers and yet Peter was able to embrace Jesus love and forgiveness. Judas thought his sin was too great, and well…we know what happened to him. Thank you for such beautiful encouragement and perspective. God is good! Have a wonderful day, friend! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  47. One of the things that’s I’ve really really struggled with and am only just beginning to accept, is that Christ didn’t just die for my past sins, but for all my future sins as well. Knowing and acknowledging that almost feels like I’m giving myself a loop-hole and I resist that so much. It’s humbling enough to think that He died and that through His death my past sins are forgiven. But to know that He knows how badly I have yet to screw up, how many times I’m not going to think of Him and His sacrifice and I’m knowing going to do something wrong, how ungrateful and unloving that seems and He still did it anyway. There’s no words for that for me.

    On a completely odd-ball side-note, have you ever seen Dracula 2000? I wouldn’t claim it’s great cinema, but I thought it was neat the way they tied all the mythology of vampires (how sunlight will kill them and their aversion to crosses and silver) back to Judas.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What awesome insight. Thank you so much for sharing this. You’re right- it’s hard to wrap my mind around how incredible his sacrifice really was. And no I haven’t seen that movie! Hmm sounds like an interesting premise! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  49. This has been a very inspirational post and most suitable for this Easter week. Would you mind if I reblogged it at my site? I think it carries the Easter message of Jesus’ sacrificial, redeeming and restoring love perfectly. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  50. There are those who write for praise of others and there are those who write because it is their passion
    But here are those who write to tell the Truth with passion and you are suck a writer, long may you continue to bless every reader

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