*What I Learned From Losing My Hair

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I had a haircut today.

And sitting in that chair, as my hair dresser exclaims, “You’ve got so much hair!” I remember the long journey that has brought me here.

You see, during my anorexia, my hair fell out. I mean, literally all of it. Not just like, “Oh my hair’s thinning!” No. We’re talking…I lost about 90% of my hair, and was left with about two inches of peach fuzz.

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It’s no secret that anorexia ravages the body, mind, and spirit. Muscles deteriorate, the reproductive system shuts down, digestion and metabolism slows to a halt as the body enters starvation mode, the circulatory system limps along – making the body as cold as ice. But when you’re so dangerously malnourished and depleted, everything that’s non-essential gets left behind as your body literally does everything it can to keep your heart beating. Everything it can to keep you alive.

So, I lost my hair.

  
Now you’ve got to understand, my hair has always been my trademark. I’m just going to be honest here — a little #RealTalk: — I’ve always had a great head of hair. It’s always been thick, long, and really curly — big flowing ringlets. Not to sound like I’m bragging — but it’s distinctive — memorable. And it’s kind of a parallel of who I am: it matches my goofy, crazy, spontaneous personality. 🙂

  

 So needless to say, it was devastating to lose my hair.

There’s nothing more feminine or more attractive than female hair. It shows grace and gentleness. It’s touchable, making a woman inviting and alluring. In a word: it is beautiful.

So in losing my hair, ED made me believe that I deserved to be hideous. I felt that my outside finally matched my insides. That it was fitting that I look so ghastly and without hair, because my insides were black with ugliness of soul and spirit.

To be completely honest, I had never felt so low in my life. And it took a long time to grow out. Probably about 5-6 months when it was all said and done.

So what did I learn from it? What did I learn from that incredibly humbling and devastating experience?

I learned where my beauty came from.

  

You see, my hair fell out during my relapse. It had thinned dramatically during the onset of my anorexia, but managed to “hang on” for dear life.  It was when I relapsed that it truly all fell out.

So during the “peach fuzz” — or, growing out phase — I was at home, where I would truly recover once and for all. So during the emotionally painful time where I was mourning the loss of what I thought was my most feminine, beautiful possession, I was surrounded by a tremendous support system: my family.

And it was during this time that I really truly clung to Jesus, and chose life.

You see, losing my hair was really the nail in the coffin. I had already thought I lost everything: my friends, my college plans, the trust of my loved ones, my relationship with God, my body, my health, my confidence, my personality. But my hair was the final straw. Standing in front of the mirror — gaunt, lifeless, without passion, and without hair — I truly had nothing left. I had actually found the bottom of rock bottom.

And so I had nowhere to turn but to Jesus.

  

And so I clung to Him. I clung to His word. I clung to the Truth, and that’s what began to heal my heart and my spirit – which led to the healing of my body. It was nothing that I did or didn’t do. It was Jesus doing the work for me. I just had to let Him. I just had to allow Him to love me and accept it.

But back to the hair.

I’m not going to lie: believing what I’m about to tell you didn’t happen overnight. I’m not going to tell you that 3 days after losing my hair and having to chop it off at the ears, I was gung ho in believing these things. No. It took time. And persistence. And finally, surrendering.

So without further ado:

I learned that my beauty comes from Jesus.

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My beauty comes from the fact that Jesus is living inside of my heart and shines out through me.

Now, that could sound incredibly conceited, if it wasn’t for the fact that I don’t deserve for Him to live inside of me. Seriously. I mean, I have F’d up so many times in my life, that Jesus should be running the other way in sheer horror. 

  
But He doesn’t. He’s not afraid of what I’ve done. He still loves me. And He still loves you.

And the fact that you and I are so incredibly loved and are so incredibly precious to Him, is what makes us beautiful. It’s not the clothes that we wear. It’s not the way we wear our make up or paint our nails. It’s not dependent upon the numbers on the scale, our BMI or a thigh gap. It’s not even dependent upon our hair. Our beauty comes from Christ.

When I allowed Jesus into my heart, He began to change things. He began to change me. I forgave myself of all the horrible things I did and said and lied about during my disease. He began to help me adopt full recovery. He began to feed the spirit that was dead inside of me. And in doing so, His light began to shine through me.

  

I mean, we’ve heard it 1000 times: “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…” I mean, that song is up there with Rebecca Black’s “Friday” in level of annoyingness.

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But it’s been repeated because it is the truth.

I learned that my beauty and my value does not come from my hair. When it’s gone, folks, it’s gone. And I had to figure out a way to go on. So Jesus helped me. Everyday. He would whisper the Truth to me: That I am Loved. That I am precious because I am His daughter. That He died for me because He is so crazy in love with me. And I am beautiful because I am His. And guess what: that truth that Jesus was telling me was the exact contradiction to all the lies and bullshit that ED tried to feed me. And so by listening to Jesus’ Truth, there was no room in my head for ED’s lies. And that’s when the true healing — the real recovery — took place.

Jesus said in John 15:4, “Remain in me and I will remain in you.”

Every day – every moment – I have to stay focused on Jesus and His truth. I have to remain in Him. And in doing so, He remains in me. He dwells in my heart. And that’s where my beauty and my worth comes from. 

  
So I guess, at the end of the day, I’m kinda glad my hair fell out. Because it was only when I had actually lost everything — hair included — that I finally said to myself, “OK, I guess there really is only one place to go from here.” And that was into Jesus’ arms.

So now, as my hair dresser complains about how cutting my hair takes twice as long as her other clients due to the volume and sheer amount of hair I have, I just smile and think about how it has come full circle.

My hair is a sign of victory. A sign of victory over the bodily devastation from anorexia, yes. But even more so than that, it’s a victory in learning where my beauty comes from. Where my worth comes from. A victory in knowing who I am in Christ.

My hair is not my most prized possession: my heart is. 

  

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

224 thoughts on “*What I Learned From Losing My Hair”

  2. I really like reading your blogs. You are an amazing writer. I have recently started getting help after battling from a mental illness for a long time. Reading your blogs really helps me. They give me hope that I will be able to overcome my battle and get better. Thank you for sharing your story. It must have taken much courage and strength 🙂 -Olivia

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  4. That was absolutely honest and beautiful. It takes some times like that to realize what really matters, and like you, I found out that Jesus is my anchor, my heart, my everything. Thank you for sharing your real beauty with us.

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  9. Just a “thank you” for continuing to visit my blog. On days when I think I’m the only one who ever reads it, it’s nice to see you there 🙂 Appreciate your presence and enjoy reading your work.

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  11. You have no idea how much I needed this.
    And can I say, its just phenomenal, everything you’ve been through, 😮
    you’re such a good example of hope and courage.:)kk

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  14. My hair is currently falling out, by the handful every day. It is certainly a combination of eating poorly (often a lack thereof), iron deficiency and seasonal changes. But whereas it never use to bother me as such in the past, it does now. I have curly, untamed hair. The type where you wake up in the morning and your bed hair is your best commodity. I am now MUCH older than when I suffered from anorexia and I feel like I don’t have many years of beauty left. I know it sounds vain, because I am a firm believer in other women’s natural beauty but I truly struggle to see beyond this physical change. So your words “My hair is not my most prized possession: my heart is” is encouraging. Thank you!

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    1. Hi friend, thank you so much for sharing this. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It does not sound vain at all. I’m sending you a big hug. I’m glad you found this encouraging. Sending so much love. You are a gift. Xox

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      1. I was making fun of myself with the Greek thing. So happy for you that with the Lord’s help you were able to recover and be such an encouragement to others. Our culture is sick and treats women with no dignity. Your approach is very refreshing and great to see

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  17. Beauty! This article took me back to the pain of your earliest posts; back to that fatherly thing, wanting to comfort you. Of course, you have Jesus’ comfort! That’s the best, most important comfort! Remember the analogy from awhile back; your are a gorgeous Tiffany lamp, but we only see that artistry when the Light inside is on. How great that you can show that light and be such a blessing to so many!

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    1. Hi Jeffrey, thank you so much. You always have such kind things to say ☺️ I absolutely love that analogy. So true. The light within is what brings out the artistry. I’m going to be reflecting on that for the rest of the evening. Hope you have a great night! Hugs xox

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  18. Often when we are starving ourselves it is because we are starving of Spirit. Our hair is our covering, a form of glory. I guess there is a point where we are so starved of Spirit our glory is lost as well.
    This is truly an inspiring piece. I hope more read it that can be truly helped by it, and led in the direction you were taken. There is only one true Way.

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  19. Another wonderful post. Your words resonate with so many people – a far reach. I shared your story and your writing in my message this Sunday – it was a perfect illustration for the lectionary text! It will be a day or so before the message is posted, but check it out if you get the chance. Blessings!

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  24. I really like this particular blog. I know Jesus to some degree but as I struggle with something that I try and “fix” myself it makes me feel that I am unfit for acceptance to some degree. I know in my knower that I am welcome and loved but my heart draws me away until the problem is dealt with. Your story reminded me that He is the one who frees us from issues and that our stuff needs to be laid at His feet. Great story. If He was that good to you then He will be that good to me and anyone else who comes to Him. Your statement “that I finally said to myself, “OK, I guess there really is only one place to go from here.” And that was into Jesus’ arms.” Oh, this statement of truth stabbed me. I feel like I am quicksand but I was sure I could get myself out. So good to be on your side of the trouble than having the process staring right in front of me. Bless you and your ability to express yourself.

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    1. Thank you so much for this reflection. It is definitely scary to face those thing head on. And your description of quicksand is so spot on. That’s exactly how it was. And honestly, I tried and tried to fix it myself but the truth is I couldn’t. Do it myself. There really was only one place to turn. I am so grateful to Him for saving me from myself. I want to encourage you, friend. I believe in you. You ARE worthy of freedom and love. Sending a big big hug. Thanks for reading xoxox

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  27. many parallels here with what I went through. except the long hair. mine has always been short. but i do relate to having lost everything before crying out to Jesus…

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    1. Hi Lizzy. Thank you for sharing this. What a comfort to know that Jesus is always listening and wanting to comfort us. The hardest thing for me was simply letting him. God is good. Thanks for reading❤️ hugs and love xox

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  29. I must admit that at times your posts hit so close to home I choose to read all the comments before I share here. Unlike my own blog, yours is about the things I still can’t let go of for my readers.
    I still have patches where my hair hasn’t grown back, though it’s long and I love it. I still have issues with my heart and liver, because I was so ravaged by anorexia prior to my blessing of an unexpected pregnancy. I never told my ob/gyn about my eating disorder. Instead I ate until I was sick, four times a day at least, and in the middle of the night I would sit on my kitchen floor afraid of what I was doing to my child. I still gained weight, a lot, but my baby was only a few weeks early. I was however, not okay. My heart had stopped beating properly and was soon readmitted. I never told a soul why, not even the dr who cared for me. They said it was undiagnosed hellp syndrome.
    Fast forward to just one year after my son was born I still get winded on the stairs, my liver hurts at times, and I struggle with those spots in the front of my head where hair prefers not to grow…but I’m alive and God absolutely knew I couldn’t do it for me, so he sent an angel-my son Logan.
    I just want you to know that God led me here, to find you and your words of honesty, of love and of Jesus. Just knowing I’m not alone, and that my struggles are not in my head has been a blessing to me and my family that I cannot quantify. For the last two weeks I have stopped counting my bites, my rest time, my wrist size. I have eaten three times a day. Though it is so painful at times, I imagine the crown of thorns Jesus wore and remind myself of the suffering he chose so that I might be free of this monster we call ED. Three times a day. I sit with my baby and I watch him eat with joy and with laughter.
    You may never meet those who’s lives you’ve changed my love, but on your hardest days know God used you to help me. To Help my children have a mother for however long I’m blessed to be here.
    I love you. Thank you. XOX💜

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    1. Hi friend. Wow. I’m reading this as I’m turning in for the night and just wow. I am falling asleep with such a warm heart tonight. Because of you. And your kind and affirming words. Thank you. You have no idea how much it means that this little blog has resonated with you. I am cheering for you. God is so so good. And you’re right-Logan is an absolute blessing. An angel sent to you. I am so happy for you that you were able to have children. Sadly that is uncertain for me. But God will provide. I trust that. Anywho, thank you again friend. I love you too! Sending so much love and hugs to you and your family. Keep fighting warrior. Your courage is inspiring. Xooxox

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      1. Do trust God! Always! I have seen him work miracles…both you and I are just a few of his many wonders. I believe in the power of prayer, but also know the impatience and pain that comes with with being human. It is always in His timing, perfect timing. Be strong and know Gods plan is only to prosper you. He wants all things for you.
        I was told when I was a teenager after I was sexually assaulted that I may not be able to have children. I now have 5 of my own, and two from my husband’s previous marriage. Though they are very spread out in years, it happened and with each child I knew that I knew that I knew it was by Gods grace. He knows your beautiful hearts desires, and as you say ‘cling’ to that hope.💜💜💜

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  33. You have truly hit on the key to it all: trust in Jesus. When my father was dying of cancer, his hair fell out. He had a regal, silvery mane. “You think my hair will ever grow back?” he asked one day. I assured him that it would. God called him home before that could happen. Dad clung to his Catholic faith and it carried him into eternity. He gave it all to Christ, and our Blessed Lord gave him the crown of righteousness. I picture him now in Heaven with his trademark head of hair radiant with light.

    For someone so young, you have amassed great wisdom. That comes from suffering. Look at what Christ is drawing out from your suffering! You are helping many people here and now, but also for eternity. Keep writing, my dear, keep writing!

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    1. Hi Joe! Thank you so much for this reflection. Your father sounds like an incredible human being. thank you for your kind and encouraging words. It means the world. Sending hugs and love xox

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  34. This post is amazing: your honesty and simplicity while writing it make it so. It has definitely be inspiring to read this and there are many points which make me think that I should reconsider some of my priorities. Thank you for sharing, you really made my day.

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  37. Thank you for writing this beautiful post. It is so encouraging that from your pain you are pointing many people to Jesus. Thank you for reminding us that when we hit rock bottom, Jesus is there. Love Jane xxx

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  41. What a beautiful post. It’s so wonderful to know that after going through so much, by placing your faith in Jesus you were healed and then blessed so abundantly! You inspire us to be inspired by Christ. Thank you!

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  42. Thanks for your reflection. What you say is so important. Like the colored glass in a stain glass window, each of us has a beauty created by God to let God’s light and love shine through. And together we make a beautiful image for all to see.

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  43. Into Jesus’ arms, what a great place to have gone to when you felt like this. I might not understand your pain fully but Jesus knows. The enemy will feed you lies and if you start believing them they will start to affect you and manifest in all sorts of horrible ways physically and emotionally. B
    ut the enemy has no power over you because Jesus has paid the price for your life. Bless your hair and yourself everyday because God gave them to you. God bless.

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    1. Thank you so much! You’re right. It took a long time for that “head knowledge” that God loves me to actually really sink in. But when it did–you’re right — transformative. Thanks for stopping by! hugs and love xox

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  46. What a struggle. You are courageous to share your life and victory. I have a friend who lost all her hair in an accident and also learned that her beauty and identity is in Jesus. Keep sharing. By the amount of comments you are getting I would say you are touching the hearts if many people!

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  47. Hi BeautyBeyondBones, a very touching, honest, and heartfelt blog. Staying focused on Jesus is most important, and has obviously helped you regain your beauty outwardly and within yourself. When Jesus was walking on the sea to meet up with his disciples and Peter asked to join him, Peter started walking on the waters as well. Peter began to sink because of losing faith due to the storm. The thing is, that storm was going on the whole time, even before Peter got out of the boat. The reason Peter began to lose faith and sink was because he removed his eyes off of Jesus and started looking at the storm. Matthew 14:23-31. Keep doing what is right Beauty, stay focused on Jesus, and please keep your blogs coming, for they are encouraging to all that read them. 🙂

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    1. Thank you for this wonderful encouragement. It means so much. What a powerful scripture. You’re right-Peter took his eyes off of Jesus, and that’s where the trouble began. Thanks for sharing that. Sending hugs and love xox

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  48. Thank you for putting back my perspective. It can get skewed so easily in this world. But your words remind us to keep Christ in our hearts. Many blessings, my friend.

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  50. Yes. The power of healing is ours thru Jesus it’s ours. Your testimony is so powerful. You are Awesome!! Thanks for sharing.

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