So. This weekend was kind of a…break through of sorts for me.
A new experience. A freeing feeling.
I wore perfume.
I know, I know. If you were expecting something earth shattering, I apologize for the gross letdown.
But just hear me out.
I wear Ralph by Ralph Lauren. It has been my signature scent since high school.
But, real talk: perfume is expensive. So I only wear it when…let’s be honest…I’m going to be around boys. Particularly boys I have a crush on.
Otherwise, it’s just Secret’s Tropical Island Fresh deodorant comin’ at’cha live.
But I woke up on Sunday morning, after an incredible night on Saturday, and I decided that, gosh darn it…I’m going to wear perfume today — for myself.
You see, Saturday night was unusual in that, I went out with just my guy friends. All my girls were out of town for Memorial Day, so I had to fend for myself with the fellas. 🙂
And I’ve written about these boys before. There were 2 potential crushes among them. And they both were there on Saturday. But here’s the thing: For the first time, I didn’t care what they thought. I had decided that they were just friends. So even though they were opening doors and being chivalrous and treating me like a lady, it just didn’t matter to me.
But here’s the thing about Saturday night: I felt so beautiful. Which, from the surface sounds incredibly conceited, but knowing my history with non-existant self worth after my anorexia, feeling beautiful is something that I just don’t experience. I’m working on it, but frankly, it’s still a losing battle.
But Saturday night: I put on a pretty dress, wore perfume, high heels, did my makeup nicely — and I just felt, beautiful.
And here’s why: those two boys, they told me that they were courting me that night. Both of them. And maybe I’m a horrible person, but I allowed it. They opened doors for me. Bought me drinks. Had deep conversations. Treated me like a real lady.
And I allowed it.
I allowed them to “love” me.
Because, for the first time, I believed I was worth it.
God has been at work in my heart for a long time, and it was like, on Saturday night, I was just shown that it is an act of self love to allow another person to love me and receive it.
Even with all my baggage, God deemed me worth saving. So who am I to discredit and discount His evaluation?
My life is a celebration of His saving power. His healing hand. He has made me beautiful. So when I put on a pretty dress and recognize His beauty shining through me, I believe it makes Him smile. And I believe that other people can feel Him too. At least, I hope so.
So anywho. Saturday was a big affirmation in who I am. In feeling beautiful. In accepting love.
And that rolled over into Sunday — I decided that I am worth feeling beautiful, even when I’m not around boys, and it’s just me. Because I am worth it. Jesus makes me beautiful. Jesus says I’m worth it. So I’ll believe Him.
What ever happened with those two beaus?
In my opinion, we’re just friends. Period. I’m open to love, but I don’t think it is with either guy. I’m waiting for God to reveal His plan, so I’ll keep my eyes open, my head on straight, and my cards close to my chest.
That’s at least the recipe for a strong game of poker.
Regardless, I’m going to continue to spritz that perfume all day er’r day…because I feel beautiful…and that’s okay.