V Card

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

OK. It’s time we talk about virginity.

*Takes a shot of whisky.*

Scratch that.

It’s time we talk about my virginity.

*Takes another shot. Slams down the glass.*

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Ok. Now I feel prepared to take on this topic.

Allow me to set the stage:

Saturday night. 4 am. The sun is just starting to rise and the sky is that dusty heather gray color. NYC looks just like they try to portray it in the movies – a sleeping giant with steep buildings, daring the sun to challenge its dominance.

And I’m bleary eyed, mascara stained, just sobbing. I’m in my pjs. The beautiful, sparkly dress and heels I wore that evening, crumpled in a pile on the floor — along with my dignity.

Pause. NO I did not “do it.” Although, reading that back, it kinda sounds like the beginning of a cheap romance novel. 😛

No. This scene was the result of a very real, very raw, very — vulnerable — conversation.

About…my V card.


Long story short, this guy I’ve been kind of, potentially interested in just straight up asked me about it.

Now, before you get ready to B-Slap him with an attitude, it wasn’t like that. Nothing rude. Nothing invasive.

It was actually very respectful. And he wasn’t trying to pressure me either.

The convo went a little something like this:

“BBB. I don’t understand. Every weekend a different guy tries to take you home, but you never do. Why is that?”

And it wasn’t like I just blurted out…OH, I’M A VIRGIN! With three thumbs up emojis.

No, I’ve known him for 4 years, and it was a long, drawn out convo in the back of the bar, just us. He may have just kissed me. A lady never tells.

But I told him: I’m saving myself for my husband.

And it like, boggled his mind. He was so intrigued by this. So interested. So riveted in the why behind it.

And, as it was last call, we continued the convo into a cab he had hailed to drop me off.

Again, don’t read this through the filter of a serial killer — he’s a gentleman and wanted to drop me off, as it was 4am and a gal in a short dress shouldn’t be walking alone.

But he was literally so fascinated. He couldn’t believe that I was still a virgin.

So you’ve never had sex?

No.

Don’t you want to?

Um, hellooo.

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Our conversation jumped around, between what it means to be in a relationship, what we think about marriage, vulnerabilities, what we believe in. It was all really great…ish.

But the whole time I just felt like crawling into a hole and never coming out.

It’s not like I’m ashamed of my decision to wait, I just felt really exposed. Like I was standing in front of a big crowd, unaware that my dress was tucked into my granny panties in the back. I felt stupid.

But he said, “I am just worried that your future husband isn’t going to appreciate what you’re doing. What if he’s not able to give you that back? What if you don’t get that?”

And this, is what sparked this post. This is what made me get up out of bed after crying myself to sleep and write about it.

I think there’s a grave misconception about relationships these days: what are you going to get out of it. 

What’s in it for you? What are you going to get from the marriage or from the relationship?

And that‘s exactly where my decision to remain a virgin stems from.

Because relationships aren’t about what you’re going to get.

They’re about what you can give.

And that’s why I’m waiting. Because I love my future husband enough that I want to save my body and my whole self for him only. I want to give that to him. I’m not expecting to get anything. Would it be amazing if he was waiting too? Yes. But I don’t expect that. What I do expect is that God is preparing the heart of my future husband right this very minute, just as He’s preparing mine.

My parents have been married for 40+ years. And that’s one thing my mother always taught me: relationships are about giving. If you go into it thinking it’s the other way around, you’re going to end up disappointed and hurt.

So how did I end up with tear stains on my pillow after that open and honest communication in the cab?

Well, honestly, I just felt really alone. Not in an Enrique Iglesias Give Me Just One Night kind of way.

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But alone in a misunderstood, foolish, exposed kind of way.

And in some ways I felt like a fraud.

Here’s the thing.

Let’s be honest…there’s a bit of a stereotype about virginity.

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Thanks, Steve Carell.

But, I’m pretty confident. Or at least, I’m good at acting like I’m confident. I enjoy flirting, dancing, wearing the latest fashions.

Frankly, I don’t think I come off as this ankle-length-skirt-with-orthopedic-shoes-wearing-virgin-who-has-6-cats-at-home.

But after revealing my virginity, I felt like somebody stripped away that confident exterior, exposing this inner dweeb that shouldn’t be out socializing because of severe social anxiety and a highly spastic colon or something.

zK8G87g

I feel like from now on, I’m forever going to be seen through the lens of “virgin.”

I felt dumb. I felt ugly. I felt alone.

And 6 hours later, I still do.

So.

I’m going to get up. Make myself a nice breakfast. And open up God’s love letter to me: the bible.

And I’m going to remind myself that I am not any of those things.

I am not alone: Jesus endured everything we’ve ever gone through, times 100. He was literally stripped down and exposed during the Passion.

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I am not ugly. But I am a handcrafted work of art, created lovingly by the Father.

My virginity is not dumb. It is an act of love to my future husband. One that I should celebrate. Jesus gave Himself fully and completely to His love — us — on the Cross,  so I can do the same for my future love.

Anywho. Thanks for listening.

Gonna go eat pancakes and put on my orthopedic shoes and head gear.

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Byeee

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

991 thoughts on “V Card”

  1. Hi Beauty, just wanted to say that there are a lot of girls (and guys) out there who wish more than anything that they were virgins, and were virgins when they got married. I think it’s a very beautiful and special thing. Please don’t lose heart over something as good as that. God bless you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Very sweet of the gift you are to give. You are not the only one. Another of them right here. Friends might not understand, but He always will. God keeps on giving. Let’s live as close to him as possible 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. That “V” question from a guy harkens back to the need to be “the first one”, which then gets bragged about once he is back with the guys. I hope instead of answering, more women will ask the same question back, “Are you? And what does it mean?” The relationship is a foreign language still for too many guys. Women carry the greatest risk so we are wise to be protective of ourselves. But everybody has been misled about the type of guy he turns out to be. I refuse to be defined by one part of my body.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi friend, thank you so much for this reflection! Lots of great thoughts. Yeah I definitely don’t want to know what guys talk about when it’s just guys haha thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  9. Two thoughts:
    1. Why I’m i just now reading this???
    2. This is probably the best thing I have read in a while, thank you for being vulnerable and painfully honest. Sex has become so random and some people cannot understand, genuinely understand when you say you don’t wanna have it. I wish I was able brave as you are, but hey no use crying over spilled milk right? It’s today that counts.
    Thanks again for this post. I promise to read every single thing you write from here on out!

    Liked by 3 people

  11. I always felt (before I gave the Lord my life) that being a virgin was not something you wanted to be, and for you to be a Man you first have to lose it. Many relationships had been and gone but I have always felt insecure about not being loved enough, which is why I kept breaking up with them and seeking comfort else where. Then I met my last girlfriend, and we were together for a long time and for the first time i felt like i had found the one. she was the most caring human being i had ever met and could tell she was going to be the most amazing mum ever, we even talked about have a child, which as you can guess what happened next, we tried many times but every time I tried it just felt wrong, then the inevitable happened, we split up. I remember I felt really ashamed of myself, looking back I can still feel the shame of it, but thankfully I am not cursed by it because of Jesus. I miss the closeness of having a relationship. It still is painful to think about what i have lost

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi Benjamin, thank you so much for sharing this. It can be so hard when things don’t go as planned. The biggest comfort I have found in life is to remember that Jesus makes all things new. No matter what our past holds, we are a new creation in Christ. Thanks again for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I get so much encouragement reading your posts both Mentally & Spiritually. I am so excited though in 10 days time, I am being baptised :D:D:D

        Like

  12. Ha, ha, knew it, in the West most lose v at promnight. Here 40 yr old virgins are very true. Sorry for insensitive comments when all talk of Psalms and all. May be I’m cared for by the arc angel, and he is an angel after all.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Thank you for this. It’s relateable on every level—it is encouraging to know that there are others out in blog verse feeling this way 🙂 You are so brave!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Great Blog and brave of you to ” go there” while you are still going through the journey. it would be easier if you were now a mature woman who has been married awhile etc. but to be there and write about it, well that is just so good. If your friend is the guy you describe I don’t think he will break your trust but if he does the news about you is not something to feel shame about but shows your resolve to push through and fight for that partner you may not even know yet here you are investing into that relationship. Giving yourself away is alot like the story of Easu giving away his birthright for the temporary pleasure of soup. The soup just won’t be that good to make that trade. Good stuff

    Liked by 4 people

  18. Girl. That’s awesome. And I know exactly how you feel. (I’m married and have a kid now) But, I used to feel like a freak for being a virgin. It’s such a crazy idea in today’s culture. People think you should just go have sex with whoever whenever because somehow that’s supposed to make us happy (again, about the getting not the giving…) and in some strange way we’re told it will help us build a relationship. I think it’s awesome that you’re waiting. I waited until I was married and I will never EVER regret that decision. Before I was married people thought I was crazy for not dating every single guy I met, kissing a million dudes, and never having sex. It made me feel dumb. Weird. Ugly. Unwanted. Out of touch. Like no man would ever want to have me. I knew that wasn’t the truth, but that’s how I felt. God made you beautiful (as I’m pretty sure all those men have noticed). You are awesome, talented, captivating, intriguing, and absolutely gorgeous. And you are 100% worth it. Jesus’ sacrifice proves how worth it you are. And it is 100% worth waiting for your husband. From one (once) virgin to another, I promise you will NEVER regret it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi friend! Wow thank you so much for such a beautiful response. I really appreciate your kindness and encouragement. What a beautiful love story you have with your husband. So inspiring! Thanks for sharing that. Sending a big hug! Xox

      Liked by 1 person

      2. I agree. I mean how are you supposed to know who would make a good marriage partner by dating that many ppl? Isn’t that kind of overwhelming? And probably on top of that, you’re healing from break up; whether you did the break up or the other person did.😕

        Liked by 1 person

  19. I was too sheltered to feel bad about being a virgin. But the thing is, that didn’t stop me from making a really stupid mistake that I will never be able to change and that has (and will continue) to affect my marriage. So in a few words, thank-you. Thank-you for being a hero in culture with so many blurred lines. Because girls (and boys) should know how it affects your future when you can’t don’t wait, but they need to know more about the other side of the card.

    So, I thought I had more to say but I’m drawing an exhaustive blank, so I’ll just leave you with, more power to ya!

    Happy Thursday (:

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks for this Carson. Ugh those exhaustive blanks…I know them well! Haha but seriously, thanks for sharing your heart. I always look forward to reading what you have to say. You’re a good dude:) hugs my friend xox

      Like

      1. You know what though, it came back after I read your latest post – and maybe getting away from the TV helped a little, too 😉 – The other half of what I was thinking the first time I read this but didn’t have time to write it. Something I came away from that youth conference with (but that has been ebbing in the back of my mind for months) is the sacrificial role of the husband. I wrote a short series on Ephesians some time back and the first four chapters I got – I so got. And the fifth I thought I got. And I thought I got it good. But for whatever reason that one never got around to being published because I just didn’t feel right about it. Over the weekend I just got this… I don’t know… ‘It hit me like a shipload of bricks’ just doesn’t really sum up how it came on me when I realized what being a husband means, that it means being an image-bearer, that it means being as loving, gracious and forgiving as God, that it means dealing with my wife like God deals with me. I can’t even find words to explain it, and I think that must be what Paul meant when he talked about the Mystery of Christ and the Church because I could talk about it for hours and still not come to the point; if he’d found the words to write Ephesians 5 in the full unadultered light of how it is I might’ve figured it out a long time ago. I know I’m off on a bit of a tangent for this post now (maybe not for your Father’s Day post though? 🙂 ) But point being, like you said, relationships aren’t about taking, they’re about giving, and God mandated that out for husbands, (and I know if he’s got one for you, he’s got a good one who will be ready to bear that Image)

        I guess where I was really going with this was that selflessness that I can’t even really explain, but you get it, and it goes so much further than just being married because I know how much insecurity and guilt and shame and anxiety is waiting for those of us who didn’t/won’t wait, and you know the battle and the pressure and the ostracization (real or perceived) for those who choose differently. So again, thank-you. You’re a super hero, and I can’t think of anything more giving (and investing into a lasting marriage) than saving yourself for one person. So bravo. Let’s make a legacy that will change generations to come.
        And I won’t rant like this on too many of your posts 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This is so awesome, Carson. This isn’t a rant at all! It is incredibly insightful! I would absolutely LOVE to read your series on Ephesians. And how powerful: image-barer. That’s so true. Even though we all are called to reflect Christ to others, husbands have a special duty as a father. And husband. They’re the image barer-literally. Thank you for sharing that! And yes, it’s always harder to give than receive, but I think that really is the secret to a healthy relationship. Thanks again for being you!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Part 3: https://graceconfidence.wordpress.com/2016/01/16/rooted-ephesians-part-iii/

        And the illustrious (though technically not included) part 4: https://graceconfidence.wordpress.com/2016/01/19/unconditionally/

        and since it happens that writing comments on the wordpress app on my phone is rather difficult and cumbersome, I’ll leave you at that.

        P.P.S.: I now have a new admiration for your replying skills after said phone app forced me to scroll through four days’ worth of comments just to find mine to put this here. Bravo! (And I do hope I got this posted in the right place)

        Like

  21. My girlfriend is the same way, she’s saving herself for her husband. As I hope to be given that wonderful title eventually, I can’t reciprocate that “first-time” for her if we ever do get married. Yet, I always tell her “Hell yeah babe” when she talks about it, if that’s what she wants to do, super kudos to her, i’m fine by that. I think you should take it the same way, that’s what you wanna do, wait till your husband comes along, I say “Hell yeah” I think what you’re doing is great, your husband will appreciate it for sure, and anyways, casual, random sex is overrated anyways. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Sex is overrated. Nothing wrong with being a virgin, but I understand what it feels like to be exposed as one. Hang in there. You and God have got this!

    Can I tell you a little secret? Even in marriage there is pressure from all over that you must do it so many times a week or month to have a healthy marriage…it doesn’t stop once you get married. Your post set off a little light bulb, as my husband and I haven’t had sex in almost two years, yet we are still happy and healthy together. We’ve gone through some tough times together and still enjoy each other’s company, be that what it may. We don’t cuddle, or hold hands, just kisses in the morning, before bed, when he leaves and comes home from work. I used to think that it was sad and that there was something wrong with me and/or us because of this outside pressure. I thought sex was the answer to our marriage. Boy was I wrong! I’ve been molested and raped so many times before my husband came along that I never thought about taking sex out of the equation. And it was my husband who knew that before me that that is what I needed. We didn’t talk about it or think it all out, it just phased out and reading your post made me understand that it is OK and if I dare say He planned it that way. So that hubby could have a break from the guilt he had when we did have sex, because he was scared to death of it seeming like he was hurting me like all the others or that it would trigger off something bad. And it did many of times. So it became few and far between and for the first time I am understanding something about us that I wouldn’t have discovered without your guts and honesty. Thank you. No doubt God is working through you. It is Ok not to have sex, for any reason at any time in your life you choose. Be proud of it. It doesn’t define who you are but it may bring out the truth in others so be cautious. Thank you so much for being a miracle of God.

    Patty

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Patty, thank you so much for sharing this. I am giving you the biggest hug through the computer. I am so sorry that you were raped. That breaks my heart. You did not deserve that. You are a precious child of God and deserve to be protected and cherished and treated as such. The healing process is different for everyone. But you’re right-you don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. I think it’s really beautiful that your husband is such a positive supporter. Sending the biggest hug to you friend. Thanks for sharing your heart. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  29. Ughhhh, can you write a book? Your posts are so insightful and true. Girl, you are not alone- I’m a virgin too, for your exact reasons. I completely agree with it making you feel exposed. People give you been ended compliments about it. You get called a unicorn😂
    but stay strong, I think the decision is a wise one, that will save lots of emotional and spiritual damage.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aw Celestial, you’re so sweet! Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s nice to know I’m not alone:) I really appreciate you reading my posts this evening! Hope your weekend is off to a great start. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  30. Love this. I made it until I was 18. The act was loving, special, and well thought out. But the main purpose of waiting was for my husband. God is so good and I pray that you maintain. I don’t here many people expressing themselves as I was when I was 18 but I love hearing that girls still do this. I hear women more often than not that can’t wait to give it up on the first date. So disturbing but their life, their choice, their mistake. Moving forward I appreciate that someone once to wait the words hello. keep it up

    Liked by 1 person

  32. I get why you would feel like a “dweeb”. The world sends us this message that we aren’t cool if we don’t fall into all of its lies. One of the biggest it tells is that sex is meaningless and that it’s just for fun. We are raised in this society and so these ideas become ingrained in our thoughts. What you are doing is beautiful. You’re awesome. Thanks for sharing I’m happy to know that there still those brave and faithful enough to be “V”s.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Hey dude…kudos to you for standing by your truth! One day not only will your future man love the fact you saved yourself for him, but you are no pushover and woman of valor!😄👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Though I totally understand what your going through being a virgin…I don’t want to give myself for ANY man! And I have learned by doing so I am growing too: I respect myself, I know my worth, won’t cave in just because men & society as whole says “I have to have sex”, I am patient and faithful…

    Like

  35. One time I was seeing a guy and I told him I was saving myself. Frustrated, he thought because I told him I was virgin I didn’t want sex. Pfft! Hahahahha!😂😂😂😂 Of course, I want to have sex! What virgin doesn’t? It’s that common misconception that people think virgins don’t want to have sex. We know what we’re doing and we know it’s because we’re saving ourselves for the right person! Only a self-conscious person with self esteem issues would let what society says get the best of them. Who or when I decide to have sex with is nobodies damn business but my own, because I will be the one having that special moment with that special person…😊😊😊😊 not them😑😑😑 😑 And girl don’t let any man and I mean any MAN make you feel worthless because of your values! Because one day a special man is going to appreciate you for all of who you are!😄
    P.S. I stopped seeing that jerk😑

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol girl I FEEL YOU! I know! It’s such a, frankly hysterical, misconception. And good, he didn’t deserve you! Seriously your comments have absolutely made my day. You’re speakin’ my language!! 😎☺️❤️ thanks for the pep talk. You rock👍

      Liked by 1 person

  42. Contrary to what others may think of… there is NOTHING to be ashamed of being a virgin! I agree on what you said. Save the best for last, why not? doesn’t matter what others think it is what’s inside of you, what’s your heart tells you to do and what is right for you. Lots of virgins in Asia btw especially in the provinces. Some may pretend they’re not anymore, so what? If the guy really loves U then he will wait and remain a gentleman. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  43. I waited for my husband as well. We were both virgins when we married. The one part I sort of regret is that in both our families, sex was not an open topic and hence, it has taken us five years of marriage to be ‘comfortable’ with talking about it and finding out what is and what isn’t okay. I’m so glad you have written this and you are definitely not alone even if it may feel like it!

    Liked by 1 person

  44. Thanks for sharing this. You’re brave to discuss this and God honors the commitment you’ve made. I’m a believer in, once you’ve stripped and gotten to the bare bones of the matter it makes you that much more of a beautiful person. God bless you.

    Liked by 2 people

  45. I’m agnostic so don’t look to me for anything on a religious level as support but I’m not going to be one of those people who tells you that you’re missing out or whatever.

    I will say, however, that sticking to your principles can be a difficult thing… particularly if it’s something that is running against the grain of what society seems to be doing.

    Sex is very much on the tip of society’s tongue, so meeting someone who has taken a moral stand (for whatever reason) to abstain is *relatively* uncommon. It takes courage to abstain and have chosen to do so. (I always used to joke with my best friend WAY back in the day that we were both involuntarily celibate.)

    I’m a believer in personal growth and I think that the key to personal growth is re-evaluating and re-assessing yourself and your principles based upon new knowledge and new learnings. I believe that, sometimes, it’s easier to say NO and keep things at arms length than it is to say YES and explore something new. There are times when saying NO to something is important, definitely. But never be afraid to throw on some rubber boots and get a bit dirty (proverbially speaking, of course) by saying YES to something.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Jeff, thank you so much for this reflection. I really appreciate your perspective. What you said about keeping people at arms length really made me stop and think. I think being vulnerable with people-whether emotionally or physically, both take courage. I will be sticking to the physical part, by you’ve inspired me to make sure I’m not keeping people emotionally at arms length. so thank you for that! Have a beautiful weekend. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 2 people

  46. Don’t worry I suffered the same fate when I told a friend I was a virgin. People look at me like I’m from a different planet and I’m a guy. Virginity symbolizes patience and purity. I commend you for that. Whenever a guy pressure you that means he doesn’t love you. Trust me. I know. I am one of them. God bless, and stay pure.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for this encouragement! That really means a lot. And I really appreciate a guy’s perspective. It’s nice to know there are still good guys out there:) have a great rest of your weekend! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  47. “. . . relationships are about giving. If you go into it thinking it’s the other way around, you’re going to end up disappointed and hurt.”

    I’m going to have to quote this to some of my potential wedding photography clients; Jus’ sayin’!

    Liked by 1 person

  48. How wonderful and rear you are. There aren’t too many virgins left in the world and you should feel nothing, but pride for your decision to remain one until YOU are ready. I admire you! With all the pressures out there in society to be sexy, and free you have stood your ground. No you are not a fraud just because you like wearing the latest fashion trends, you are just being you. Those are just clothes they are not your heart (remember that). Remain confident in who you are. Blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, thank you friend. Yeah, it’s pretty rare, especially in NYC! But seriously, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your encouragement. It means the world. Thanks for your kind comments this evening. hugs xox

      Like

  49. So much is our society has altered the way we think about sex and the true beauty of it. Continue to press and stand strong because the reward is great! Sex before marriage will never reach the levels of physical, mental and spiritual God intended for you to have for a lifetime within marriage!

    Liked by 1 person

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