I Am Not Invincible

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m angry tonight.


I am angry because I have been brutally reminded that I am not invincible.

I received a comment (which has since been deleted) that taunted me to revisit and reexamine my disordered thoughts when I was deep in my anorexia. The commenter prodded me to describe exactly the allure of anorexia – Why was it so attractive when I was in deep in the throes.

And when I read that comment I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck begin to stand on end.

For three reasons:

One: Because that thinking is the thinking of death. Those thoughts are destructive. They are hurtful. And they are not from God.

Two: Because I was angry that I was getting bullied to re-entertain and describe the thoughts that nearly killed me eight years ago.

Three: I was angry because even thinking about thinking about those thoughts made me realize one big thing: I am not invincible.

My chest began to tighten. My muscles tensed. And for the shortest minute, I remembered how, at the time, those destructive thoughts were so attractive to me. So alluring. So seductive. Having to think about what made anorexia so enticing was like remembering what the forbidden fruit tasted like. Sweet. Succulent. And juicy.

And the second that feeling of remembrance began to come over me, I literally closed my computer, got up, and took a walk and said the rosary because that shit will NOT be occupying my mind.

No sir.

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Now you may pause, and say, but you write about your past on a regular basis. How has this not happened before? Don’t you deal with this every time you publish?

And the answer is, no.

You see, though I write about my past, I write about it more in the abstract. I keep an arm’s distance from it at all times. A couple of my earlier posts went into more of the darkness associated with the disease, but you will notice that my writing does not dwell on that. It focuses on the hope. On the renewal. On the transformation. On the freedom.

There are topics that I do not revisit because they are not good for my recovery or mental health. And what this person brought up is one of them: what made ED attractive.

It’s like asking an alcoholic to describe their first buzz.

There’s a saying that goes, If you bring your past with you and let it impact your future, it’s not really the past. 

There are things that I have left in the past that I will not drudge up again. Because even though I am strong in my recovery, I know that I am not invincible. There are things, such as trying to recall what made anorexia alluring, that I simply cannot think about without stumbling. Things that I cannot and will not bring with me into my present or future.

And I was angry that I allowed my buttons to be pushed and angry that I allowed myself to be bullied into thinking about those things.

But, if I’m being really 100% honest, I was angry that my mind went to that place it did.

And that was a reminder that I need God. 

He is my stronghold. He is my rock. He is my source of recovery.

And if I take my eyes off of Him for even a second, it allows ED’s flaming darts to start coming at me on the attack.

No bueno.

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And I’m going to be honest, this affected me tonight. I was on edge. Down. Discouraged. Hurt. Angry. Disheartened.

And falling asleep, I just got this reminder that I don’t have to do it alone.

I’m not expected to be invincible.

God does not expect us to be perfect.

But… He does expect us to give our weaknesses to Him. 

So that He can be invincible.

That’s the truth. That’s the beauty of our Father. That’s the hope.

That’s what gets us through the temptations.

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So no, I’m not invincible. I know what I can and can’t write about or think about. And I will respect those boundaries.

But I also know that no matter what, I have a God I can depend on. A God who will be my strength.

I will keep my eyes on Jesus.

 

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**Just a little housekeeping**

I want to invite you all to check out my Patreon page and consider supporting BBB. The blog is remaining exactly the same, there are just some pretty sweet perks for BBB supporters – such as podcast versions of the posts and exclusive content. I have some exciting plans for BBB, such as a YouTube channel -where yes, you will see my whole face!! 😂 And a book and a cookbook. Your contribution – even $1 – will help me continue to put in the cosiderable time and effort to make BBB what it is! Thank you! Hugs and love xox

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

463 thoughts on “I Am Not Invincible”

    1. Hi Rick, thank you for this reflection. You’re so right – we need to just lay our burdens at His feet. What a comfort to know He is always there for us. Thanks for stopping by. hugs and love xox

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  3. Im sorry my life. You have many people who respect you hugely, and a God who adores you.
    Ive stepped back from blogging on the whole, because of one person whose viciousness took a firmer place in my head that it should have. Deciding on our boundaries is such an imoortant thing to do- hard, when youre a people pleaser, but important.
    ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Eva, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I really appreciate your kindness. You’re right – boundaries are definitely something that need to be respected. But God is good. And He is our rock. Thanks for stopping by! hugs and lots of love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Well done for standing firm and pushing back! We are not meant to focus on the unhealthy things, but as it says in Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” And when things get tough, as Philippians goes on to say “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this Tim. You’re so right – I absolutely LOVE that verse from Philippians. It’s written on my mirror in my room! There’s a lot of wise things in that book 😉 Thanks again for your kindness. Hugs and love xox

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  6. Yep,me too today for various seasons ( been hounded by the press) was last seen running down the street shouting ” I’m a strong, independent, American, woman and I don’t need anyone to complete me’) hilariously I am on,y a bit strong, English, not american and have no desire to be complete….I just wanted to shout and laugh because the joy of the Lord is my strength and that makes me want to run, barefoot,
    anywhere and laugh my socks off!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Don’t let anyone steal your joy. Things that aren’t good for you will come at you in many ways but stand firm. None of us are invincible but when someone purposely try to reel you in for whatever reasons, you know that place where you shouldn’t go. You will be tested in life and with your anorexia but you know where you have been and where you are going. Look back at it as something in your past that is guiding your future and keep it just where it is, in your past. What you are doing is a wonderful thing, so do not let 1 person rob you of what you have worked so hard to gain. Wishing you the best, you will be fine. Blessings.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi Corrie, thank you so much for this great perspective. You’re so right – the past is just that: the past. I’m not going to give it the time of day and carry it with me, but rather use it to help others. thanks for your kindness, as always:) You really are a blessing. have a beautiful night. hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Sending you love and hugs and peace be with you! I really think writing inspired stuff means listening to the Holy Spirit, and ignoring those other voices!! Keep staying in the hands of God so he can carry you always. Plus our Lady’s got your back! 😘

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  9. I am so proud of you! It is easy to give into the temptation and revisit those miserable places. Because I am a “recovering Catholic”, I read your blog to bolster my faith in God. Faith does not have to be Catholic, and I suffered mightily at the hand of organized religion to the point that any form of organization sends me running to the hills. I read your blog to celebrate you and your faith. My faith in God/HIgher Power is strong. I know we, as confused, weak, vulnerable humans, need that faith. We need to believe in God. You recognized a manipulator and did not fall for the bait. Good for you!! Each moment, each hour, each day brings challenges. You inspire me to do better ❤

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    1. Hi Zooish, thank you so much for this beautiful reflection. I’m so glad that my posts resonate with you. That seriously makes my heart so warm 🙂 That’s so great that your bolstering your faith in God. at the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about: a relationship with our loving God 🙂 Have a wonderful night my friend. thanks again for your kind words xox

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Sweetie, the way you explain it makes it sound like it may have been a spiritual attack. I’ve been dealing with some of my own, and it’s so far outside my theological comfort zone to think about such things, but I have to. Because I realize it’s a blind spot for me.

    You handled it brilliantly! You went straight to God. Good for you, kiddo. You are one spiritually smart cookie;)

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    1. Hi friend thank you so much for your kind words. Yeah, those attacks are no joke. I’m sorry you’ve been battling that. Yes, we’ve gotta go straight to the Big Guy. Let Him be our strength! Sending you a big hug! Thanks for stopping by xox

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  12. Only your second post I’ve read. I’m in love with the maker, and seeing Him interact with and change his creations is one of my favorite things, but oh! how rare it is. Thank you for being open and honest, not to mention talented and disciplined.

    Keep on standing up when the enemy shoves you down,
    keep on fighting even when you feel the pressure.

    Moving forward with ferocity is all we can do to get ahead.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Frederik, thank you so much for your encouragement. I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed your time here so far! Amen to that-God is so good and is truly at work in all of us! Hope you’re having a great week. Hugs and love xox

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  15. And that was a reminder that I need God.
    He is my stronghold. He is my rock. He is my source of recovery.
    And if I take my eyes off of Him for even a second, …

    That’s a message, not of anger or despair – but of our hope!
    awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. This sucks so bad babe! I get into those thought patterns when I see how a friend or student around me (#IvyLeagueCollegeTown) is being successful and I’m living my life differently. I see how living that life (perfectionist, academic, competitive) will probably make her money and give her the “American Dream”. However, I know that is not MY American Dream. That leads me to dark, destructive places. It sucks to be in that place.
    Praying for you ❤

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    1. Hi Ellie! Thank you so much for this. You’re right, it’s so easy to compare and get caught in that headspace. I know it well. I was the prez of my sorority, and living in a house with 55 girls, i definitely experienced that! So glad you can recognize when that thinking is slipping in. You’re right, we all have our individual dreams and that is 100% okay! Not everyone’s dreams look the same. that’s what makes life interesting! Sending you big big hugs my friend. Thanks for the prayers. xox

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      1. You’re welcome:) I am feeling a little beter. I had to but new speakers and I picked up two. One had water in it and has dancing lights like The Bellagio, it was cute to watch but I got a second one, cheaper and better quality. I hope I do not get any more nonsense at home:)

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      3. It won’t I am getting evicted bc my sisters bf wanted certain things done and then he planned and them getting a house. He wanted the dogs and me gone and my sister’s kids sleeping in their room. Plus she had a pigsty and he wanted it clean and I am not allowed to touch their stuff. So he concocted a scheme to get it. He called CPS on me and made my sister go nuts, took me out of the equation, he gave arsenic to the dogs and one died and he has managed to actually use the law and get me evicted. I am waiting for a next court date to get allocuted. Then I have time to look and I have agencies that will help me look.

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      4. Oh my gosh, that sounds like a horrible situation. I am so so sorry that you’re having to go through that. Sounds like that guy could use a stern talking to! I wish there was something I could do. I will keep you in my prayers.

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      5. Both of them are omnipotent and for years I heard him talking horribly about me. Mind you I was severely hurt and died twice in the ambulance and am dealing with the physical and it took two years to deal with the brain damage. I gave him a stern talking to as he thought he could dismiss me after trash talking I gave him a pistol whipping and any time he speaks up he is going to get more and more. He asks a dumb question like why can’t you get rent if you can for for internet? I just shake my head. they turn something that happens once into an always thing. A spot of water downstairs meant my ac did water damage. Nope I got someone to look at it. I will jam that at them if I hear anything about it. I said to my sister I wish I had that crystal ball that you constantly use and the if it happens once it is verified as all the time. It is annoying and hard to explain.

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      7. Thank you. My sister and I will never speak again after this. Even though she is a couple of years younger, she always tries to be a bully. She has things from the past completely wrong and she swears by them. She had a psychotic episode at 10? and does not remember all she did. She is in dire need of a psychiatrist and meds.

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      9. Thank you. Hoonestly my sister needs to be locked up for a month, her bf is bipolar, pretends to be violent and is a stalker. My sister is also bi polar and has other things going around in her head. I take meds to sleep that are not sleeping meds. They are for other conditions but a side effect is sleepiness. I at least am getting some rest and I typically wake around 5am and take a half dose to get me to 8 or so. Then I am all good:)

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      11. I am working on it. I may stay at my, term used loosely, step brother’s when I am forced out as I am trying to get some work and I have a couple of organizations that will help as I have paperwork. I have to go to family court to get an OOP from them. I keep getting responses from my reblog of you and then I see your eyes. Mine change from varying degrees of hazel, but yours are striking:)

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      12. Oh gosh, thank you for that compliment. That’s a kind thing to say. Yay hazel eyes club! Haha hang in there buddy. Just take it day by day, minute by minute. Hopefully things will take a turn for the better here soon. Hugs and love xox

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      13. Thank you dear. Hazel eyes put people in trances especially if the outer rims change like a Camelion.

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  18. I’m sad to hear that a reader got you going on this. But do you recall the blog I had about you just after I started reading you? I was – and remain – impressed at how even your darkest entries ended hopeful, if not completely bright. You relentlessly point to God as the Victor.

    That, Beauty, is your draw. That is why anyone, not just those with ED, can come to you and be uplifted. Think of nothing else but 10,000+ readers who come to you to be uplifted. No…scratch that. They come to you to see where you point to your Hope and Strength. 10,000+ hearts, soothed by the message of reassurance and redemption God gave you to preach.

    I wanna be like you when I grow up! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jeffrey. Wow. I am so touched by your kind words. Seriously. You’ve got me all choked up. Thank you. I absolutely remember your beautiful big post. I have it saved on my computer actually:) I was so humbled by the kind and encouraging things you had to say. I cannot begin to express how much that meant to me. You are a good friend and I am truly blessed to know you 🙂 Hope this finds you well. Sending big big hugs and lots of love xox

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      1. Long day; 11 hours of driving and stopping for conference calls, trying to just get home. My Sweetie Pie will be home from work in a couple hours; then, all will be well once again! Sleep well!

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  19. I feel the same way about a few things. Of late I have been forced to basically be anorexic but my body does not act out like others, my metabolism speeds up. It’s odd. But I am forced to shop daily as I am unable to use any appliances and my food gets thrown out in the fridge or freezer and instead of going downstairs like nothing is going on I eat one meal a day and healthy snacks. This should have helped lose weight with increased biking but it did not. Then I am seeing multiple specialists and getting loads of meds that are no bueno and tests that leave me out of it and the crap I get at home. So I would rather stay on WP often as I even got rid of my TV after my cable was closed. I was resourceful enough to get internet after mine was shut. It all makes you pissed and you want to turn back a chapter or two. In my case a few chapters back were good and I am not letting these people keep me doing or make me sick and I altered my diet slightly 4 days ago and even though my resting and exercising heart rate are high there are no meds as I tried 5 so far that will help but give me bad side effects. I know you are a strong person and can get past this. I am dealing with a littany of people I have to deal with in person and it is no fun. By the way, that last pic is you? I never though I saw a pic of your face before:)

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    1. Hi friend, thank you so much for sharing this. Oh my heart just goes out to you. I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through that. I hope that things get better soon. I’ll definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And yes! That’s me 🙂 Hang in there friend. Sending you the biggest of hugs xoxox

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  20. Well, this is a shock to me. I’ve never heard anybody describe an illness as something “attractive.” But if it was: describing that attractiveness might help somebody help a loved one struggling with ED. I wonder whether if you thought of that sharing as something that brings strength to others it might be possible to approach your past without falling into crisis. Kind of like you are infusing that past experience with your current relationship with God, and so helping others to heal?

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    1. Hi Brian, thank you for this reflection. You’re right, it’s almost disgusting now to look back and think about how I thought it was attractive. But sadly, that’s the truth. And it’s kind of a tricky situation. I can look back and view the past from the lens of helping people and to see how it was destructive. That is not “triggering.” But looking back and trying to remember what I “loved” about it — that is just a headspace that I do not need to flirt with. That will not help anyone – not me, not anyone suffering, not loved ones. It is just a dead end. And the thing about it was that the commenter was not coming from a place of wanting to know to help someone — it was coming from a malicious place, trying to get me to stumble, to slip up in darkness. It was a manipulation, truly. Any who, enough about that 🙂 hehe you’ve given me a lot of good stuff to think about. So thank you friend 🙂 Sending hugs and love xox

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      1. Well, this is important to me as well, BBB. I don’t understand the attraction. I mean, there’s the idea in psychology that we have “thought patterns” that are reinforced by neuronal connections and blood flow, and so it actually feels like our brain is operating on a higher level when we engage in self-destructive thinking. This is also true of the fight-or-flight response, where the amygdala takes over the energy supply to the brain, and the cortex really languishes. Those neurophysiological patterns also, of course, supply access points to personalities of pure spirit that suck energy out of us through those doorways, which is part of the physiological danger. They may have become pretty good at identifying and stimulating positive feedback circuits that create a positive, reinforcing feeling even when our body is collapsing.

        So obviously it’s all very subtle and complicated. In my own case, I’ve spent a lot of years “stalking myself”, which involves identifying those psychic parasites and telling them to get lost. I know that I still have one sitting on top of my hips that just doesn’t want to let go.

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      2. Yeah, it is all very complicated and addictions and bad habits in themselves are a bit of an anomaly just in their very nature. I guess that’s where the disorder comes in: because they’re bad for us, and yet we do it anyways. Hope that makes sense, there were a lot of big words in there that I tried to decipher Hahahah 😂😂😂

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      3. Blargh! Incomprehensibility is the side-effect of thinking about something for forty years! I remember at sixteen going out to sweep a parking lot (my way of paying for my pinball addiction) and ending up listening on the radio to Rollo May being interviewed about the nature of love. That was the first time I had that strong sense of compulsion that comes with my encounters with the cause that has consumed my life.

        You’re still young – you might find yourself using the same kind of vocabulary one day. It’s actually not such a big deal. My younger son Greg recognized a college friend while we were out at Chipotle a few weeks ago, and the fellow told me how smart Greg was. I just shrugged my shoulders, and his mom asked “And you didn’t have anything to do with that?” Later on I ended up putting my finger on it: I introduced Greg to ideas, but he had to learn to make friends with them. Once he took ownership of that responsibility (rather than relying upon his association with people that were smarter than him), things really took off for him.

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      4. Oh pinball 🙂 My friend had one in her basement growing up — the addiction is real! It sounds like your son is a great guy. It’s true, we have to own our beliefs and ideas. At the end of the day, we have to make the decisions of what we do and don’t believe. Powerful thoughts – thanks again for sharing 🙂 xx

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  21. Idk. This post made me want to ask a few questions so badly. Not that I want to pry into your business, but because I do wish for you the very best. I hate to do this, but here it goes… Have you ever considered another religion besides Catholicism? Have you thought about the effects of the rosary?
    The reason I ask is not to condemn, but to draw your mind to Christ. If Christ is in us, by Spirit, there is complete overcoming, complete transformation from one state to another.
    Christ doesn’t ask us to repeat a ritual prayer to approach Him. All he asks is for us to open our heart all the way and let him take over. With Christ’s Spirit inside at the helm, the old ailments completely disappear and fall away, if not the memories. They remain to let us know how deep the pit was that we were plucked from.
    I hope you fully find just Him and not religion. I hope you become fully invincible. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi friend, thank you so much for this reflection. You’re not prying at all, and I love a positive, respectful dialogue, such as this 🙂 I think there’s a lot of misconception around catholicism. First of all, I respect everyone and their beliefs. God is God and Jesus is Jesus, and a relationship with Him and accepting Him as Lord and Savior is first and foremost. That being said, I love my faith. I have grown so much closer to Jesus through it. And the rosary is simply a tool to reflect on Jesus. I think a lot of people think that it’s just repeating rote prayers, but the truth is that it is through the prayer that we reflect on the life of Jesus. The turning of the water into wine, His crowning with thorns, the carrying of the cross, His agony in the garden, His rising from the dead – it is just a tool to focus our minds on Jesus’ love for us. That’s all 🙂 But honestly, I appreciate the discussion! God is good and we can all find our strength in Him. How wonderful to know that we don’t have to perfect, because He is perfect! have a great night. hugs and love ox

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  22. I am so proud of you for taking a stand and keeping your boundaries. The enemy is such a snake. You are more powerful than you realize and I am sure that this post will encourage others. The strength we get from Jesus is only taken away when we give it away. I love the first quote. Sometimes we do have to burn bridges to keep from crossing the same bridge over and over again. I, too, am receiving darts from the enemy. I started a post today about the challenges I was going through and wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it. However, because of your vulnerability, I will do so. I am not one to air my dirty laundry and like you, speak of my issues in the abstract. We can get the point across without revisiting the feelings, attractions and other elements of our weaknesses that brought us down. I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Keep sharing. I look forward to checking out your Patreon Page/BBB and being able to contribute something. Right now, finances are a huge challenge for me but not impossible. This is a powerful post.

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    1. Hi friend, thank you for this wonderful reflection and encouragement. That is so so true – a snake indeed. I’m sorry you’re on the receiving end of darts too. Yes! Post it! I look forward to reading it. Isn’t it a comfort to know that Jesus is stronger than everything and He’s always got our backs? We are dearly loved. And thank you for that 🙂 It really means a lot. Sending big big hugs. Praying for you . xox

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  23. I’m really sorry about how you felt, BBB, but continue to stay strong and hold on to God. Yes, the rosary really helps too! 🙂 When we hit rock bottom and all we can see is darkness, God will lift us up back into the light. All we have to do is have a little faith and trust in the God Who saves. May God continue to bless You and let Him occupy Your thoughts ❤ P.S. I'm looking forward to those YouTube videos! 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for this encouragement. Amen to that – God WILL lift us up. what a comfort in that. thanks for stopping by and for your kind words! haha yes! Can’t wait to get it going! 🙂 hugs and love xox

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  24. I love this post so, so much! Don’t you just hate being reminded you are not invincible? I sure do. How awesome that you managed to turn it off however, that you went for a walk, that you know God is good. That is exactly how one is supposed to handle such things, but in the heat of the moment it can be hard to remember.

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    1. Hi friend! Thank you so much for this response. Yes! I know, it can be so hard to remember. And believe me, it’s not always like that for me. This was just a specific example where God gave me some extra grace. And for that I am very grateful. But isn’t it a comfort to know that God’s always got our backs? Thanks again for stopping by! sending big hugs xox

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  25. i am sorry you experienced something like that i know past is past and it should be be there cause it hurts our present and yeah do not take to heart we are all here for you to support you have not been there where you were in some way or other everyone have weakness who do not have and yeah we are not perfect ,perfect is only allah

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  26. after 23 years in recovery I know I am not invincible but more vulnerable,and some times more vulnerable than I want, but thank you God for restoring my emotions and feelings. Good for you for deleting the comment and not subjecting yourself to such nonsense . Only another addict knows how badly those thoughts can be. And one thing I like to tell my sponsees is “you’re not responsible for the first thought that enters your mind”

    hugssss

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    1. Hi Mike, thank you so much for sharing this. Yes, amen to that : thank you God for restoring us. That’s so true – we have the choice of how we respond to such thoughts. That’s really great advice. 23 years — that’s pretty freaking awesome. What an inspiration. big hugs xox

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  29. This reminds me again of what I spent the last… 5+ years learning; you won’t win if you pay attention to the enemy of your mind; you have to know 1) what Jesus did for you and 2) what it means and 3) focus on his face because he’s already taken care of it for you. But that doesn’t mesh with the secular understanding of recovery–that it’s an ongoing never-ending battle and that you always have to be on guard–and even Christians who don’t understand and it’s really easy to try to rationalize and go ‘Well but…why do you…?’ from that place of ignorance because they have no idea what kind of power there is in suggestion–I know I’ve done that.

    But you know? It sounds like you handled it really well. Something that potent might have taken me out of the game for days. But you go back to Jesus, you get under the shadow of his wing, and another storm passes. Because of anybody I can tell you how intoxicating anger can be if you let it go and then you’ve got a double whammy.

    Anyway, there are my thoughts; keep your heart in high places my friend (:
    Happy Thursday!

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    1. Hi Carson, oh what a breath of fresh air this is! everything you’ve said is so. Spot. On. Focusing on His face is seriously the key to anything in life-be it recovery, or being a good friend or spouse, or managing a business, dealing with anger or temptations – there is power when we’re under His wing. And I love that: keep your heart in high places. Amen to that! I so appreciate your kind words and powerful perspective, Carson. Grateful for you. Hugs and love xox

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  31. I am so sorry that a comment bothered you so much. Maybe it was someone just wanting to know if their thoughts were the same; and they, too, needed to get help. I don’t know. All I know is you have the right idea! Good for you, keep going!

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    1. Thank you so much Mary! I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Yeah, let’s give the person the benefit of the doubt. It’s always hard to tell a person’s tone through a computer screen! thanks for stopping by! hugs an love xox

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  34. Your post really blessed me tonight. Sometimes God takes us through things that we don’t completely understand so that our testimony will save another person’s life. I thank God for you because your recent run in with your past was not in vain. God used you to keep me from revisiting my ugly past as well. God bless. 🙂

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    1. Hi Shubricca, thank you so much for this response. I’m so glad it resonated with you. That’s so true, we never know why things happen, but God will always use it for good. Thanks for sharing this with me. Sending big big hugs xox

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  35. The blog is an open platform where you’re criticized and those comments you’re exposed to provide a basis where you’re attacked virtually. Just keep in mind these people don’t know you personally therefore don’t think they know otherwise. Hugs. ❤

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  37. I’m very sorry that you had this experience. A couple of thoughts ran through my mind as I read your post. First, the next time a bully antagonizes I hope you tell them to take a hike. Bullies respond to force. Second, I’m so glad your spirituality helped you through this unpleasant experience. I don’t know how anyone survives without faith. Lastly, you are a strong person, and even though reliving the worst of your illness hurt you, you seem to have handled it well. It’s always a shock when we realize we are more fragile than we want to be. B
    ut you got through it. Mayble that’s the lesson? Rock on. Sending you good wishes.
    Joanna

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    1. Hi Joanna! Thank you for this encouragement. You’re right, it’s kind of a dose of reality when we realize our fragileness. Is that a word?? Haha but seriously, I really appreciate your perspective. Sending big hugs xox

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  41. This is another one of those posts that I couldn’t read fast enough. It’s hard for my brain, my eyes, and my fingers to all keep up with each other.

    First – you are amazing! AMAZING!

    Second – This is going to sound weird, but I’m kind of glad that you got mad when someone pushed you toward a place you didn’t want to go. I tend to have an automatic, self-defensive reaction when I get pushed or told to do something that I don’t want to do. It feels a lot like anger and lashing out, and underneath there is often a lot of fear. Of course, I judge myself for feeling this way and having this negative, reflexive reaching. (I still struggle with the core belief of “I’m a bad person” – it’s not as if I go around thinking it consciously all the time, but it’s like it’s hardwired into my subconscious). Anyway, it just feels reassuring and *normal* that other people have a sort of similar reaction sometimes.

    When I’m in hurt, anger, bitterness, indignation, self-righteousness… when these emotions are bubbling up and I’m so distracted by them that I just sort of stew and ruminate in whatever is triggering me, I am trying to get better at telling myself, “Well, I am human, and this type of reaction happens.” You’re right, though. Once I can accept my weakness, the next step is humility, and then asking God for help. Again.

    There are parts of my past that I am afraid to revisit. And I definitely set boundaries with myself. Or try to. Certain physical places I won’t go and people I don’t talk to much anymore – sort of like a heroin addict who doesn’t go back to the places where she used or the people from her using days. And there are definitely a few topics that are off limits on my blog. Stuff that’s too painful and too personal. I’ve been tempted to write about them a few times, but it wouldn’t be healthy for me, and it would be hurtful to others.

    Also, I love the rosary. I keep rosary beads in my car and on my bedside table, and I bring them with me wherever I travel. Here is what you just reminded me of – today, I knew I was going to have a challenging day, and on the way to work, I prayed to Mary to please pray for me in the morning, and in the late morning, and at lunch when I had to confront x, and after lunch when I had to deal with y, and in the afternoon during z, and every time I spoke with anyone today. And a couple times during the day, I thought, “My Mother Mary is praying for me right now,” and it was such a comfort. Now I’m feeling comforted again remembering it.

    Anyway, sorry for the excessively long comment (again). My heart is with you tonight! Sending love.

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    1. Hi lulu! I’m so glad this was a comfort. That seriously makes my heart so happy. You brought up so many great things here. You’re so right, sometimes we just have to close and door and then keep it closed. Not revisit it. We have been freed in Christ, so why drudge up the muddy waters. And yes, it’s so nice to know we have someone praying for us in Heaven. Its so powerful to know that we never have to go through this life alone: God always has our back. Jesus deemed is worthy, so we can rest in that hope and peace and truth. Thank you again for such a thoughtful response. Know I’m praying for you too:) sending you so much love my friend. You are a blessing and I’m grateful for our friendship. Hugs and love xox

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  42. Your body may not be invincible however your Spirit IS as proven by your post. I hear people say ‘anger is bad’ well no it is not when used properly as one a module for defense and two as a module to move forward. You are A Divine, Sacred Feminine never let anyone, situation or even yourself tell you differently. When I was a Paratrooper I saw grown men whimper like kicked dogs and Women take charge and get the job done. I do not pretend to understand what you went thru and/or recovery struggles but seems to me from what I read of your posts YOU ARE Kicking Ass as well as anyone could or could be expected. I only know you from your writings however I am proud of you!

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  44. A few thoughts…the evil one must really be ramping up because several of us have been confronted in this or similar ways. I had to trash a complete post because it had been liked by a blogger whose profile photo was causing me a great deal of discomfort and I saw no way to detach the ‘like,’ so I trashed it.
    I have also been approached by groups wanting me to join their blogging support group but I am suspicious; I don’t know how they got the email address they used (it is not associated with my blog at all); the quality of their message is poor (spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors); and they refuse to answer questions about their organization. I wasn’t scared as much as I was unsure who to trust, but as I knew I could trust Jesus and did not need to go through anyone to reach Him, that is what I did. I spent 30 minutes in contemplative prayer. Later, He reminded me of the book by and about Brother Lawrence, Practicing the Presence of God. I turned toward the back of the book and found what I needed. I copied and pasted the chapter on Practices Needed to Acquire the Spiritual Life into acblog post and I read it whenever I feel ill at ease. And if I am not reading it, I’m doing what it says to do. It is sweet, simple, and sounds so contemporary.

    Go back and read it, sweetheart. MariJo and I agreed to sit (“I’ll sit here and you sit there…and well pray,”. ). And that’s what we did. These are times when it is appropriate to just hunch up close to Jesus. There seems to be a great deal of Spiritual turmoil and warfare going on and the safest place I know to be is next to Jesus. There’s room for you, too, dearest.

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    1. Hi Kitsy, thank you so much for sharing this powerful comment. I’m so glad you have that post you can Reread when times get tough. But you’re so right-saddled up next to our Protector is definitely and 100% the place to be. He’s our rock. Thanks again for the beautiful encouragement. Praying for you friend xox

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      1. Sweetheart, have you read the post I am referring to? It isn’t long but it is a classic piece of Spiritual instruction… You may even want to print it and tuck it into your bedside table or slip it under your rosary. Just a suggestion….a nudge from me.

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  45. Your strength is so inspiring! I’m sorry that a comment hurt you the way it did. I just recently did a post talking about the power of our words. But I thought of these verses that have been encouraging me this week. I hope it does the same for you! Stay strong! ❤
    "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

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    1. Thank you so much for this kind response. I really appreciate your support. Internet garbage, unfortunately is out there. Thanks again for the encouragement. Hope you’re having a nice night. Hugs and love xox

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  47. Hunny your stronger than the person who made that comment. You’ve got to train your mind either you pull through and beat the mental health or let it take over you. I do understand how you feel because I suffer from mental health and I’m just starting to pull through now after three and half weeks of torcher of anxiety and depression. Yes it’s tough but you know how to be the winner and you know who’s going to be a looser.
    Ignore the negatives and your beautiful inside and out.

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    1. Hi Lizzie, thank you so much for sharing this. I really appreciate your encouragement. It really means a lot. So true-I’ve gotta condition the mind. I’m so glad you’re on the other side of a tough few weeks. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you:) stay strong warrior. Sending big hugs xox

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  48. Excellent, BBB! What a grace to walk away, take it to our Lord, and put it out. Your courage to put these things out to others is a great blessing to me and other readers here. Thank you for the example you have given and being a pointer to the only One in whom we are strong.

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  49. Perhaps, this is nothing more than one, a calculated coward who takes joy in scratching the surface of someones pain instead of scratching the surface of their own in order to deal with the reality of their own pain, or two, a person who just does not understand that bringing something to light is just not appropriate. If this person is calculated, I would like to remind him or her of one simple concept. Some people think it is powerful when you toy with others emotions. Actually it is a weak trait. It takes real power not to toy with someones emotions when you know the person you are directing your comments to is vulnerable. It’s like a child who projects hurt on a close friend because they can’t deal with the loss of a grandparent. They don’t know how to express it. If you truly are such a person, go find your joy of scratching someone else’s pain someone else. Or better yet, if you yourself are facing pain, embrace it, forgive it and work through it. No one deserves better to do that than yourself. God brought love into this world through his creation. To do anything other than help to create a better life for you and your community is counterproductive. Making things good from your own faults is very acceptable. Jesus, whether you believe he is the messiah or not, was different. What drew people to him is that he talked of a personal forgiving love which was the opposite of universal love, a love of the old testament. Universal love still was permissive to an eye for an eye. Jesus believed in boundaries yet he also expressed personal forgiving love, the opposite of an eye for an eye. Something that the creator of this blog you have been reading understands and practices-the power of not saying what is in-appropriate and the power of forgiving love. Perhaps, many of you reading can and do believe and express this kind of love. Whether you do or not-God Bless you. Peace.

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    1. Hi Andy, thank you so much for this thoughtful reflection. There’s a lot of truth in what you speak. You’re right, to toy with another’s emotions does not signify strength, but rather the opposite. Jesus was such a beautiful example of the opposite of that: he spoke truth. He brought others to the light. Loved them. And like you said, demonstrated a personal and forgiving, self-sacrificial love. Powerful indeed. Thanks again for stopping by and for sharing this great perspective. And I really appreciate the encouragement. hugs and lots of love xox

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  50. You are so full of love. I am grateful to be following your blog. God ….
    What I know is that looking for the good, choosing the loving again and again, forgiving myself and others, and letting it all go – surrendering to God, are my keystones to recovery. Thank you for sharing. Love, Debbie ❤ Blessings

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