I Am Not Invincible

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m angry tonight.


I am angry because I have been brutally reminded that I am not invincible.

I received a comment (which has since been deleted) that taunted me to revisit and reexamine my disordered thoughts when I was deep in my anorexia. The commenter prodded me to describe exactly the allure of anorexia – Why was it so attractive when I was in deep in the throes.

And when I read that comment I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck begin to stand on end.

For three reasons:

One: Because that thinking is the thinking of death. Those thoughts are destructive. They are hurtful. And they are not from God.

Two: Because I was angry that I was getting bullied to re-entertain and describe the thoughts that nearly killed me eight years ago.

Three: I was angry because even thinking about thinking about those thoughts made me realize one big thing: I am not invincible.

My chest began to tighten. My muscles tensed. And for the shortest minute, I remembered how, at the time, those destructive thoughts were so attractive to me. So alluring. So seductive. Having to think about what made anorexia so enticing was like remembering what the forbidden fruit tasted like. Sweet. Succulent. And juicy.

And the second that feeling of remembrance began to come over me, I literally closed my computer, got up, and took a walk and said the rosary because that shit will NOT be occupying my mind.

No sir.

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Now you may pause, and say, but you write about your past on a regular basis. How has this not happened before? Don’t you deal with this every time you publish?

And the answer is, no.

You see, though I write about my past, I write about it more in the abstract. I keep an arm’s distance from it at all times. A couple of my earlier posts went into more of the darkness associated with the disease, but you will notice that my writing does not dwell on that. It focuses on the hope. On the renewal. On the transformation. On the freedom.

There are topics that I do not revisit because they are not good for my recovery or mental health. And what this person brought up is one of them: what made ED attractive.

It’s like asking an alcoholic to describe their first buzz.

There’s a saying that goes, If you bring your past with you and let it impact your future, it’s not really the past. 

There are things that I have left in the past that I will not drudge up again. Because even though I am strong in my recovery, I know that I am not invincible. There are things, such as trying to recall what made anorexia alluring, that I simply cannot think about without stumbling. Things that I cannot and will not bring with me into my present or future.

And I was angry that I allowed my buttons to be pushed and angry that I allowed myself to be bullied into thinking about those things.

But, if I’m being really 100% honest, I was angry that my mind went to that place it did.

And that was a reminder that I need God. 

He is my stronghold. He is my rock. He is my source of recovery.

And if I take my eyes off of Him for even a second, it allows ED’s flaming darts to start coming at me on the attack.

No bueno.

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And I’m going to be honest, this affected me tonight. I was on edge. Down. Discouraged. Hurt. Angry. Disheartened.

And falling asleep, I just got this reminder that I don’t have to do it alone.

I’m not expected to be invincible.

God does not expect us to be perfect.

But… He does expect us to give our weaknesses to Him. 

So that He can be invincible.

That’s the truth. That’s the beauty of our Father. That’s the hope.

That’s what gets us through the temptations.

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So no, I’m not invincible. I know what I can and can’t write about or think about. And I will respect those boundaries.

But I also know that no matter what, I have a God I can depend on. A God who will be my strength.

I will keep my eyes on Jesus.

 

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**Just a little housekeeping**

I want to invite you all to check out my Patreon page and consider supporting BBB. The blog is remaining exactly the same, there are just some pretty sweet perks for BBB supporters – such as podcast versions of the posts and exclusive content. I have some exciting plans for BBB, such as a YouTube channel -where yes, you will see my whole face!! 😂 And a book and a cookbook. Your contribution – even $1 – will help me continue to put in the cosiderable time and effort to make BBB what it is! Thank you! Hugs and love xox

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

463 thoughts on “I Am Not Invincible”

    2. Your faith in God is so impressive. You will be pleased that I have started praying again. Not that the prayer worked – I was praying that I would stop being attracted to unavailable and dangerous guys and that hasn’t happened. But it opened up my spiritual path to pray again.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so glad you’ve taken that leap! So awesome. Sometimes our prayers take a little longer to be answered, and sometimes they’re answered differently than we thought or expected, but He is always listening and working out His plan in his perfect time. Sending you big big hugs xox

        Like

  2. I like your quote about sometimes having to burn a bridge. We often hear not to burn bridges, but dang why keep going back to hurt and negative energy.

    As always, thanks for your motivation, positivity and mindfullness. Take care Sister!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this Kelsey Lou! You’re so right! Sometimes we have to close a door and lock it and throw away the key. Focus on the good. Thanks for your encouragement! Hugs and love xox

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  4. *wraps arms around*

    As Paul Said:

    Brothers and sisters, I do not consider that I have made it my own yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the [heavenly] prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature [pursuing spiritual perfection] should have this attitude.
    Philippians 3:13-15 AMP

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  6. We’re all tempted and we all veer off the track and it’s especially hard when someone undermines our joy. Stay strong in your beliefs and convictions. Sending you warm hugs of friendship and support. xo ♥

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      2. Thank you friend 🙂 I thought about you tonight as I wrote my blog post. Thank you for being so vulnerable and candid in your posts. It really encouraged me to open up more in mine. Love and blessings. Our God is so good ❤

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  8. You are right to leave your confidence in our Lord, B’s! Our own confidence is faulty and will let us down, as you just described here of yourself. Only One is perfect. And that One, says to us in Psalm 139:14, “I will give thanks to Thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Thy works, And my soul knows it very well.”

    Couple more passages for you, to help lift your heart!

    And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

    Since then you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. – Colossians 3:1-3

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Kudos to you for rejecting those dangerous thoughts and turning to God and saying the Rosary!

    I can’t even imagine how that person’s question must have horrified you. 😦

    Stay strong, girl, and may God bless you always.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Don’t let the past come back to break down the person you’ve become. It’s in the past for a reason. And don’t let someone try to bully you for your past. You’ve overcome a hard time in your life, and use it as your motivation. F*ck what that person said. They’re idiots!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kimberly! Thank you so much for this response. You’re so right – it’s in the past for a reason. Best not to drudge it up! Seriously though, I appreciate your encouragement. Sending big hugs xox

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  13. Great post 🙂 Some people have told me in the past that whenever anybody has gone through a bad period in their life, one should never ask them what made them want to go that route in the first place. I think the reason it is wrong to ask that is because some people do not want to go back to such a painful memory. I am glad to see that you remain strong regardless and have stayed that way 🙂 Anyway, keep up the great work as always 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi John, thanks for this. That was good advice you received. You’re right, it’s difficult to go back and relive pain. Better to keep your eyes on the prize 🙂 haha i’m such a dork! lol thanks for reading! hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I love that you embrace your vulnerability as part of who you are. We’ve been writing about Grace and Space and this is such a powerful post regarding giving yourself the grace to give yourself space 🙂 I’d never thought about comments like that being bully-ish, but you’re totally right! Thank you for another thoughtful, powerful post!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I’m sorry you experienced that 😦 As you pointed out, we wobble from time to time – and that’s ok. Take care of yourself as you process this as you are precious. That person was really unhelpful 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this encouragement! I really appreciate it 🙂 You’re right, a little occasional wobble is fine, we’ve just gotta keep our eyes focused up and forward. Thanks for your kindness. hugs and love. xox

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Very interesting piece! Sometimes you just have to protect yourself and keep yourself clean. There is a pattern in our thinking and it is possible to see beneath our personal demons but only when we are ready! You can’t make a flower grow by pulling on the petals – light and love to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Love that delete/ trash button. Sometimes people write mean things and it’s nice to have a say in what’s published in our own space.

    When negativity tried to sneak in and get you down, you stood up tall. I admire that. Seems like there’s always a bit of risk putting thoughts and feelings out there. Luckily, most of the time, people are kind and can relate.

    You are changing this world with your honesty and insight. And, one look at all the comments above mine shows that you are positively impacting others! Bravo!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jessica, thank you for this wonderful encouragement. Truly, your kind words mean the world. I am grateful for you. You’re right, putting ourselves out there can be scary, but when it is receive with such gentle acceptance, like from you, it makes it worth it 🙂 hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Father I thank you for BeautyBeyondBones who has been so brave to allow us into her world of ED. Father we thank you for her complete healing in this area of her life, as she brings you each struggle make her whole. Her past is just that, allow others to hear her story and be transformed by the power in which you have in it. In Jesus name. Keep holding on to your strong tower.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Lesa, wow this is so beautiful. Thank you so much for this powerful prayer. Amen. Jesus is that Strong Tower – and the best source of healing and hope. Your words are soothing balm to my spirit. hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Tony 🙂 My dear friend. I am so grateful for you. First, for always being such a source of positivity, and encouragement, and friendship. You’re always giving me a little nudge and a smile that never cease to brighten my day. And secondly, I am just blown away at your generosity. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hope you’re having a beautiful day so far. Know that you are in my prayers 🙂 massive hugs and love xox

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  21. Our wobbles allow us to remember to lean on the steady Rock. Keep your focus, girl, and bless the one who reminded you of past weakness, current strength. They are reading your stuff for a reason. God is in the details.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. You are so right – it’s ok to be vulnerable because God will hold us up. You are such an inspiration – do not let someone else dictate how you feel.

    James 1: 19-20 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Some early Christians who suffered under Roman persecution were lauded for fighting better than the gladiators. Not physical combat against an external enemy, but the inner war to remain faithful within and let that transform the rest. Thanks for encouraging us. Prayers for the truth of your vulnerability to fill you with God’s power.

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  28. I think the most important thing is that you recognize and realize how extremely well you’ve handled it. You remembered and recognized God at the exact moment that you had to, and you were able to deal with it.
    As always, you are spot on. We are not invincible, at least not while our soul is driving this vehicle called our body. But our souls are all part of God. And if we can remember that, like you did, we sort of are invincible. Because on a soul level, there is no defeat. We just ARE and we are free to discover and experience the wonders of life.

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  29. Excellent post! I think those people who’ve never fought a battle with any kind of addiction or depression are often curious about how it comes up. They can’t see how it happens because they’ve never experienced it. However, I think it very insensitive for people like that to pry and ask others to return to that path that is obviously very destructive to those who have fought those battles. It is rather like asking a PTSD victim to go back and remember the worst parts of their nightmares about war and battles just out of one’s idle curiosity. I’m so glad you recognized the dangers inherent to what the person asked. God’s holy armor was surely with you! He protected you by giving you the discernment to see the danger signs all over that situation! Thanks for sharing your vulnerability with us and for staying on the path! That gives so many people great hope. God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Elaine! Thank you so much for this beautiful reflection. I think you’re right – I was definitely given some extra grace that night to get through that and see the words for what they were. God is good like that. Thanks for stopping by. hope you have a beautiful day. hugs xox

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  30. This advice was so well written. Thank you for being vulnerable for us! It reminds us not to “buy the lie” as I coined for my book but it’s the same thing. You have helped many many people with this post for all kinds of weakness. “I can do ALL things through God who strengthens me!” Well written article.

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  31. We all have our shadows
    Mine almost killed me too
    GOD is my only answer
    To see me through God’s love
    I’m thankful you have that too

    May I send you my book
    The Keeper Of Me?

    Gentle hugs
    Courage…warrior woman!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Lynn, thank you for sharing this. That is so so true: God is our only answer. There is power when we see things through His eyes. wow, that would be awesome 🙂 hugs to you my friend xox

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  33. You are so strong! It is very hard when temptation to fall into darker emotions sets it, but it is wonderful that you are turning to God with such fervor. You are a beautiful person inside and out! Keep reflecting God’s light to everyone, and remember that He will never give you trials you do not have the strength to face. It may seem impossible at the time, but God’s grace can move mountains.

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  34. Glad you could see what was happening and strong to resist the temptation. Hopefully, you didn’t spend too much time being hard on yourself. The important thing is you identified it and shut the door. God is good and always, always provides a way out!

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  35. I, myself am an alcoholic and have been clean for ten years; I still don’t like to look back on the past. While in rehab they taught us not to dwell on the past, forgive our selves for all but never to forget so you don’t end up back there. It took me years to be able to face some of the things I did while under the influence; some I only had me to hold myself accountable because some things no one knows but me. But I am so proud for you that you continued forward; sometimes unknowingly someone will take my mind back to those days and it is hard to get it back to the present. I know that the only thing that keeps me on a good track is the support of God himself. Keep on traveling down your road of recovery and don’t let the potholes make you turn around just go around them. God Bless You.

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    1. Hi Missy, thank you for sharing this. That is sub great advice. Gotta keep my eyes forward and go around those potholes! Wow ten years-that is truly inspiring. Rock on ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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  36. I had two comments that were very triggering in the last week too. The difference now though, is that it isn’t as easy to act on those thoughts that came after. We’ve been developing new habits & God has definitely been changing us, more than we realize I think. You are not alone. You’re doing this. In fact, you’ve already beat this. Hope you have an amazing weekend girly!

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    1. Thank you so much for this beautiful and encouraging response. Amen to that: God HAS been changing us. How grateful am I for that?!? But it’s true, He’s at work and always has our backs. You too! Have a great afternoon! Hugs and love xox

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  39. Another fabulous entry. I am sorry such a comment was left for you, I recognize how destructive they can be, and I applaude your strength and faith. I have no doubt that you will keep progressing towards new adventures and treasures, while slowly leaving your ghosts behind. xxx

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  40. Hey! Just wanted to let you know that you really are so inspirational to me and I cannot thank you enough for all the advice you’ve offered me through your blog! Keep being awesome!

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  41. The beauty of this is that we don’t need to be invincible. Yes the darts of the enemy will come and those who may question why we did what we did—why we fell into the pit anyway. Its because we’re not invincible.
    Our bodies and minds like to think we are.
    And Satan is more than eager to let us think that in the moment when he’s not attempting to beat us over our heads with our own guilt.
    The key is to let our moment of guilt/remorse bring us to God rather than drive us away back into the pit we came out of—and thank Him for pulling us out.
    Its tempting to crawl back in, I will admit.
    Even the Apostle Paul admitted his own flaws of imperfection. He too was not invincible, but thankful to God for it. In 2 Corinthians he says, “Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
    Paul, being the well educated, top dog that he was had to learn the very same lesson, and undoubtedly had to deal with it more than once.
    In life we will have struggles—some that cling to us for but a moment in time and then they are gone. Others like ED and Paul’s thorn, come back to pain time and time again.
    Satan hopes that in doing so, to make us miserable and fall. But God has a better purpose, and that is to help us see our need for Him—and not in the “He has his thumb on us constantly punishing us” like those tales of the Greek and Roman gods, but as that of a parent teaching and training a young one in the way they should go in life—in a way that may not be completely free of struggles, but will bring much better results than we could in our own “invincible” imaginations.

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    1. Hi Faithbook, thank you so much for this powerful reflection. You’re so right, it is in those times that we should run to God, not retreat in despair. He wants to be our strength in weakness. What a comforting thought that is. Thanks for this beautiful reminder and encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  42. Your eyes have an amazing tint to them. I can tell they glow every time you’re behind the screen working on another entry. Be encouraged by this verse and statement: “what you behold, you become.” Keep the image of Christ before you. “And we all, with unveiled face, BEHOLDING the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:18. Honestly, I wish I could meet you in person but may the peace of Christ dwell richly within you BBB.

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    1. Aw thank you! That is so kind of you to say:) I love that verse. Thank you for sharing it. What a powerful thought: that we are being transformed and made new in Christ. God is good! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  43. Ugh. I think I remember seeing that comment, and wondering about why it put there. At best I’ll hope the person was oblivious to the issues and the struggle. At worst…it was part of the powers and principalities.

    Fleeing from it, like Joseph from Potipher’s wife. Flee as Paul commanded. GOOD JOB in getting away and putting it away! I hope all is restored to peace. You are right in how you felt, and how you responded.

    Have a great weekend 🙂

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  44. I’m so sorry that happened, Eating disorders are a forever battle…just know that God is always a step ahead of you waiting With open arms, he didn’t make a mistake when he made you 😊😊😊😊

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  45. Until today I have never read through one of your blog posts the entire way. I vaguely remember following your blog. Your catch line did it’s job and caught my attention. Owning that we are not invincible is a tough admission to hold. I also suffer from ED, different end of the rainbow but the same rainbow nonetheless. Brava on confronting those emotions and memories that bind us to the past. It takes courage to walk away from any unhealthy situation.We are not invincible but we are a force and if you believe in yourself you can do anything.

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    1. Hi Kidtrish! Thank you so much for this kind response. Thank you for reading! I’m glad you did! 🙂 and you’re right-we have to just walk away from unhealthy situations and thoughts. They’re a slippery slope. Best to keep our eyes focused forward. Thanks for sharing this, friend. I’m sorry that we both have the “ED rainbow” in our pasts, but I’m glad we can journey on in recovery together. I believe in you friend. Stay strong warrior. So glad you stopped by. Hugs and love xox

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  47. This lines up nicely with my blog post about King David who took his eyes off of God long enough to put them on Bathsheba and fell into sin by doing so. Don’t let people drag you down! My favorite lines in the movie “The Lion King” are where the Baboon hits Simba on the head with his staff and Simba says, “OW! That hurt! Why did you do that!” The Baboon tells him, “It doesn’t matter because it is in the past!” We all know that our past does matter, but we learn from it and move forward…so the Baboon really had a point! I am so sorry that someone wanted to ogle your past in more depth than was needed or wanted. It’s a funny thing, (funny peculiar, not funny ha! ha!) but we can be very open with people right up until they are asking too many deep questions. The reason is that we want to share what we are comfortable with, and not a bit more, and we all have every right to be that way about our own personal info. Just brush off the devil’s attack, and move on! You are such a positive person I really enjoy your posts!

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    1. Hey Charlene! Aw thank you so much for this. Oh my gosh I LOVE the Lion King and I know exactly the scene you’re talking about! Haha that little baboon was my favorite character — although I’m blanking on his name right now…rafiki?? I don’t know. But it’s so true-we’ve gotta learn from the past, and then leave it there and power forward. Thanks for your wonderful encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  48. Well, sweetie, today I fell victim to my own writing prompt. Minutes after I published my piece “How to Win the War ,” my daughter called crying that she is being sued for medical damages 3 months after she had a very minor accident…she hit someone’s hubcap which did no damage to his truck and scratched the face of her Fiat. But now 3 months later, the woman (the passenger) is suing for medical damages. Then in my phone call to a client of my brother, I came across too forthright and the client cancelled his order; my brother is not happy with me. So, not 6 hours after I caution not to get angry, discouraged, or resentful, I am all three. I’m heading to the living room to sit in my easy chair and systematically give everything to Jesus that comes up for the next 30-45 minutes. Then I will reread Brother Lawrence’s Practicing the Presence of God and reset all my buttons. Thank God there’s a God.

    On Thu, Jun 23, 2016 at 7:00 PM, BeautyBeyondBones wrote:

    > beautybeyondbones posted: “I’m angry tonight. I am angry because I have > been brutally reminded that I am not invincible. I received a comment > (which has since been deleted) that taunted me to revisit and reexamine my > disordered thoughts when I was deep in my anorexia. The commen” >

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kitsy, oh gosh I am so sorry that you’re going through those things. Ugh, I can only imagine the frustration and annoyance. I think that’s a great plan-just throw it all at Jesus’ feet. That’s what He longs to do:relieve us of our burdens. Saying a prayer for you and your daughter right now. Hang in there friend. Sending big big hugs and love xox

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      1. Thank you. I’m adding an addendum to my post about how every time we fail, pick ourselves back up, hand our failures over to Jesus, and look again toward God, it is another slap to the face of the evil one. I’m starting to like that.

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      1. Too bad you didn’t have a lawyer look at your Patreon promises, because now waiting on deck is Victorian underwear trends, broccoli (must be FOR!), duck faces in blog selfies (must be AGAINST!), “Sloths–Nature’s Psychopaths?” and mattress recycling. I’m taking you DOWN!!!

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