I Am Not Invincible

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m angry tonight.


I am angry because I have been brutally reminded that I am not invincible.

I received a comment (which has since been deleted) that taunted me to revisit and reexamine my disordered thoughts when I was deep in my anorexia. The commenter prodded me to describe exactly the allure of anorexia – Why was it so attractive when I was in deep in the throes.

And when I read that comment I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck begin to stand on end.

For three reasons:

One: Because that thinking is the thinking of death. Those thoughts are destructive. They are hurtful. And they are not from God.

Two: Because I was angry that I was getting bullied to re-entertain and describe the thoughts that nearly killed me eight years ago.

Three: I was angry because even thinking about thinking about those thoughts made me realize one big thing: I am not invincible.

My chest began to tighten. My muscles tensed. And for the shortest minute, I remembered how, at the time, those destructive thoughts were so attractive to me. So alluring. So seductive. Having to think about what made anorexia so enticing was like remembering what the forbidden fruit tasted like. Sweet. Succulent. And juicy.

And the second that feeling of remembrance began to come over me, I literally closed my computer, got up, and took a walk and said the rosary because that shit will NOT be occupying my mind.

No sir.

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Now you may pause, and say, but you write about your past on a regular basis. How has this not happened before? Don’t you deal with this every time you publish?

And the answer is, no.

You see, though I write about my past, I write about it more in the abstract. I keep an arm’s distance from it at all times. A couple of my earlier posts went into more of the darkness associated with the disease, but you will notice that my writing does not dwell on that. It focuses on the hope. On the renewal. On the transformation. On the freedom.

There are topics that I do not revisit because they are not good for my recovery or mental health. And what this person brought up is one of them: what made ED attractive.

It’s like asking an alcoholic to describe their first buzz.

There’s a saying that goes, If you bring your past with you and let it impact your future, it’s not really the past. 

There are things that I have left in the past that I will not drudge up again. Because even though I am strong in my recovery, I know that I am not invincible. There are things, such as trying to recall what made anorexia alluring, that I simply cannot think about without stumbling. Things that I cannot and will not bring with me into my present or future.

And I was angry that I allowed my buttons to be pushed and angry that I allowed myself to be bullied into thinking about those things.

But, if I’m being really 100% honest, I was angry that my mind went to that place it did.

And that was a reminder that I need God. 

He is my stronghold. He is my rock. He is my source of recovery.

And if I take my eyes off of Him for even a second, it allows ED’s flaming darts to start coming at me on the attack.

No bueno.

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And I’m going to be honest, this affected me tonight. I was on edge. Down. Discouraged. Hurt. Angry. Disheartened.

And falling asleep, I just got this reminder that I don’t have to do it alone.

I’m not expected to be invincible.

God does not expect us to be perfect.

But… He does expect us to give our weaknesses to Him. 

So that He can be invincible.

That’s the truth. That’s the beauty of our Father. That’s the hope.

That’s what gets us through the temptations.

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So no, I’m not invincible. I know what I can and can’t write about or think about. And I will respect those boundaries.

But I also know that no matter what, I have a God I can depend on. A God who will be my strength.

I will keep my eyes on Jesus.

 

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**Just a little housekeeping**

I want to invite you all to check out my Patreon page and consider supporting BBB. The blog is remaining exactly the same, there are just some pretty sweet perks for BBB supporters – such as podcast versions of the posts and exclusive content. I have some exciting plans for BBB, such as a YouTube channel -where yes, you will see my whole face!! 😂 And a book and a cookbook. Your contribution – even $1 – will help me continue to put in the cosiderable time and effort to make BBB what it is! Thank you! Hugs and love xox

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

463 thoughts on “I Am Not Invincible”

  3. I’m sorry you had to go through that. The good news is you’re more aware now. Maybe you got to a point where you were kinda numb to it or just blaise about it and this experience has put you firmly on the track again. Praise God. He is good and He is our strength. This post has reminded me that I, too, am not invincible. I have walked many roads thinking that I was. Just ask my wife. LOL Thanks for being so fearless in your sharing. Peace.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I love your posts and your transparency. Just remember the enemy wants to use our past to bring shame, guilt, and condemnation upon us, while God wants to use our past to demonstrate how even our messes can be turned into masterpieces when we allow God to use them. Keep being you and never forget where God wants to take you. God bless! JD

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I am sorry you had to relive this. Its very insensitive of someone to ask those kind of questions. As an activist through your blog be prepared for these type of questions. Be strong.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey friend. Thank you so much for this encouragement. You’re right, whenever you open yourself up to sharing yourself on the Internet, you’re also opening yourself up to feedback-both positive and negative. Very very true. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  7. You are the only you that can be and as you, you are invincible. You are the only one who decides if or how you want to visit your past. No one else has a right to force the envelope. Your writings bring closure to that past as a beautiful transition to the present and hopes in the future that you have made. Don’t let someone who can’t deal with that let you hurt and force hurt upon you. You are a light now and will shine as each day goes on. The past days are just that; PAST. xoxoxoLove and light!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi friend, thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. You’re right-the past is the past is the past and I decide to leave it there. This is a great perspective. Thank you for your kindness, as always. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  8. People just don’t know how powerful words can be–even if you have the best of intentions with them. The “Sticks and Stones” line is the biggest lie we tell people and our kids. James 3:1-12 chronicles how powerful words can be. If someone is too inconsiderate to try and understand your struggle with anorexia, and is also too foolish to try to understand how God has helped you, then you shouldn’t dwell upon their words. It is not their words you should listen to, but to God’s Word. Your past makes you into who you are today and magnifies the greatness of what God has done in your life, don’t let one person ruin that for you. You should, as Jesus says in Matthew 10:12-14, shake the dust off your feet and just pray for them.

    Prayers to you, my friend. Hope you have a great weekend and feel better going into next week.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey there friend, thank you so much for this. So much wisdom here. I absolutely love that verse from Matthew. I’ve actually made several life decisions based off of shaking the dust off! Have w great weekend! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We all have those certain Negative people with nothin’ more than their certain negative remarks & thoughts in our lives. They live for the opportunity to disrupt others. They have such negative lives that they want others to be right there with them. They can’t stand the fact that someone has actually move passed, beyond, them. Let’em go! Don’t fall into their trap. You appear, from what limited views (of yourself) you release, to be a very beautiful young lady. Your thoughts express the same. You have a wonderful life ahead of you so reach out and take it! There are two (2) things in your life that you are in full control over. They are your Attitude & your Ethics. YOU & ONLY YOU control them and set them. Remember that as you travel along your path in life…”Hold’em Hook”…..BG>

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you❤️ that is so true -my attitude and my ethics. That is such an important thing to keep in mind on the day to day. And can I just say: wow-you have a way with words! You are a powerful linguist (is that the proper term?! Lol) but seriously, your words are empowering. So thank you. Xox

        Liked by 2 people

  9. Thanks for sharing your heart. I get the emotions you’re describing, and I honor you for sharing them. Themes recounted in your blog resonate in my own life: The image of the pheonix, the rosary, the importance of understanding that when we’re angry, it’s our own defect because we’re allowing ourselves to react in a way that’s a bit off the mark.

    Since we don’t know each other, I won’t drop into your virtual sandbox and kick sand up. I’d like to ask you to visit my blog: iamacanaryinacoalmine.wordpress.com and see if anything there resonates with you. It’s my account of how I overcame many years of depresion, bipolar, psychosis, ADHD, PTSD, OCD… I could go on. If you like my blog and are comfortable with a question at some point, I’d like to chat with you about anger. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I sense (from this post) that it’s a little too raw with you. I respect your boundaries.

    Peace and blessings in your life and in your Work! Keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi friend, Thank you so much for sharing this. Im so glad it resonated with you. I will definitely read your blog. I think it’s really powerful that you’ve walked through those things and are sharing your journey of healing and freedom. That’s going to help a lot of people. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  10. You’re right, you’re not invincible, but you are so brave for not letting the demons get the best of you. Your response was great, and I’m sure it wasn’t easy. You are so blessed to remember that we do have an unyielding ally in our Father. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome. By the way, I completely agree that talking about some things from our past really does not help, and that’s exactly where we need to leave it.

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  14. I wish you could love this! Not just like. You are beautiful. You are talented. You are who God made you. Sometimes people are ignorant and just can’t understand what they’ve been fortunate to never experience.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, thank you so much! I’m so glad you enjoyed it. That’s true, everyone’s journey is different. Compassion is always better than judgement. Thanks for stopping by and for such kind words! hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

    1. haha oh gosh, thank you so much! I was definitely given a lot of grace to be able to walk away in that moment. Can’t say it’s always like that! But God is good and always has my back! Thanks for stopping by! hugs and love xox

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    1. Hey Stephanae, aw thank you so much. It really means a lot 🙂 Yeah, airing my “dirty laundry” can be pretty intimidating, but your kind support makes it all worth it 🙂 have a great weekend! hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Hii BBB,
    Sorry to read this post but happy to read your recourse to Our Lady’s psalter in a time of need. I read a devotion by St. Louis de Montfort and he said this: “I do not know how it is, nor why, but nevertheless I know well that is is true; nor have I any better secret of knowing whether a person is for God than to examine if he [she] likes to say the Hail Mary and the Rosary.”
    I’m in a bit of a dry spell myself, and I’ve been trying rather unsuccessfully to pull myself out; but I will pray for guidance through your tough times.

    Keep the Patreon page up in the next couple posts..

    Have a blessed day 😀
    MM

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    1. Hey there MM! Thanks so much for this response. I’m sorry you find yourself in a dry spell. I can definitely relate. I will keep you in my prayers:) You’re right, setting aside time to talk to God in prayer is definitely a powerful thing. Something that I continually have to work on. I’ll definitely have to look up St. Louis de Montfort. I’ve never heard of that person. Thanks for passing it along. hugs and love xox

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  18. wow this is an amazing post and you are quite a strong lady to come back from so dark a place. I have been doing a series on grace on my blog and my twitter account and your inspiring words are just what my readers need. Would it be okay to quote part of your piece? Or would like to write a quote up? I always link back to the source so readers can discover other talented bloggers. I would be honored to have your perspective added to the ongoing discussion. You can just tweet @MelindaKucsera on Twitter (or direct message) or if you’d prefer to discuss this over email, just fill out the contact form on my site. Whatever you’re most comfortable with and worry not, you can decline if this is too far outside of your scope.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Melinda, thank you so much for this. Absolutely, I would be honored if you quoted my piece! I can’t wait to read your thoughts:) I really appreciate your encouraging words. I love when bloggers support one another. Rock on sister! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you! It’ll most likely air next week so I have some time to collect my thoughts. I’ll link back to your post and hopefully some of my readers will drop by. I’m so happy to add your voice to the discussion.

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  21. Dear Friend, I have had a few days to think about how to respond to your thoughts regarding your recent incident. Allow me to sound off for a moment or two, maybe three. You’re a wonderful lovely person we can all see that you dearly love the Lord. Yes that is true we are simple human beings are weak. However with Christ the Bible says we are more than conquers through Christ. Your past is your past and the only way we are called to revisit it is through the power of the Holy Ghost. Never let Satan and a silver tongue allow you to open the door. Close the door to your past with the blood of Jesus applied on that door. The enemy fears the blood. Secondly worry not for unpleasant commentary. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for those who persecute you. LOve show Love and follow peace with all men. Lastly how could anybody not like your posts. Your a Beverly Lewis meets Danielle Steele. In other words. Of the Bible says you are fearfully and wonderfully made you best believe it. I call upon all of your readers to show you great compassion. I would like each reader to explain to BBB why her writing is special to them. Remember in the end LOve destroys hate…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi there friend, wow thank you so much for this encouraging note! Those are such kind words, I’m absolutely touched. You’re so right, we are all made new in Christ, so we need to live in that freedom and not revisit the past. Hope you’re having a great weekend. Hugs and love xox

      Like

  22. Your post made me think again about the books of Numbers and Joshua. Why? Because the new land, the promised land comes with boundaries. You are doing a good job of carrying the diamonds not the rough stuff they come in. 🙂 Blessings on your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Christine! Thank you so much for this beautiful note of encouragement. I actually haven’t read much of those books, but I really should. I think I’ll make that my project for the rest of the weekend. Thanks for stopping by. Sending big hugs to you friend xox

      Like

  25. Totally unrelated to the post BBB, but I couldn’t see another spot to send a message. I am taking my daughter to NYC in August to visit NYU. She is applying in the fall. Where are safe, decent, and affordable hotels in Manhattan? There were so many to choose from, I didn’t want to pick a bad area. Most of my family lives in Buffalo, so I have never been to the city before. Thanks for any advice!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi friend! Oh that’s exciting! NYu is a great school. Honestly, there really aren’t any “dangerous” areas in Manhattan anymore. The city is incredibly safe, so I guess it just boils down to what area of town you want to be in. NYu is in Greenwich village around Washington square. Honestly, all hotels in the city are going to be on the pricier side, unless you want to get a hotel on Brooklyn or queens but those areas, although safe, aren’t as convenient as in the city city. I would go onto a discount travel site and see what hotel deals come up. My sibling has found some great deals on travelzoo for new NYC hotels that were affordable. The one area I would say to be careful of is Chinatown. I will say that my mom visited and her hotel was in Chinatown, and she didn’t think it was the safest area, so she switched hotels after seeing it. That hotel was listed as being in soho, but it was technically on the border on Chinatown. So just double check before you book. Alphabet city is another area like that. But other than that you should be golden. I’d say look for a place in Washington square or union square. Ok this is super long now. Hope that helped! And congrats to your daughter! Hugs and love xox

      Like

      1. Thank you friend! That helps bunches. I saw some near Washington Square I liked, but wasn’t familiar with the area. Hugs and love back to you xox

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  30. BBB:

    Boundaries are good–I am sorry to hear that your buttons are still sore. Still, recognizing your vulnerability is a good sign of mental and spiritual health.

    If you have an interest in publishing a book, one of my goals this year is to publish other authors so I might be able to help (http://wp.me/p4iojd-9U).

    Stephen

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this kind note, Stephen. I really appreciate your encouragement. You’re right-being vulnerable isn’t always a bad thing. There’s good to come of it. Oh that’s awesome! Thank you! I’ll check it out:) Hugs and love xox

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  33. I believe your ability to put into words the wisdom gained through your experiences is a gift and calling from God. This blog post just further solidifies my belief of this, and I, for one, and thankful you choose to use your gift of expression to fulfill the call. I can only try to imagine how many hearts your words touch, and how many people find strength in your shared experiences, as you witness of the Grace of a loving God in whom we can all find refuge as we face our individual challenges and trials. Stay strong, stay true, stay faithful! (in other words “you go girl!” 🙂 )

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Thank you for sharing your story with us, especially this quote “He does expect us to give our weaknesses to Him. So that He can be invincible”

    you’re very brave 🙂

    God Bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  36. First, I want to thank you for visiting my page. I never take that lightly. Second, I also want to thank you for me an encouragement to others. Third, I want you to know that your post is very transparent and wonderful. I enjoyed reading it.

    Liked by 1 person

  39. “God does not expect us to be perfect. But He sure expects us to give our weaknesses to Him so that He’d be invincible.” These words spoke to me a great deal, BeautyBeyondBones. Keep up the good work, dear.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. Wow I love what you said about not bringing your past with you cause if you do it’s not really your past. That hit home with me, thank you thank you for the reminder. Your story is inspiring, eating/mental disorders do not define us!! We are in it together ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi friend, thank you so much for your kind words:) that really means a lot. I typically don’t do guest posts, but if things clear up in my schedule, I could perhaps make an exception! The summer, things tend to slow down a bit so I could possibly do one:) thanks for asking!! Hugs and love xox

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  43. Well done on your strength and resilience – remember Jesus in the desert. He had to remain strong to God’s plan for him. This is a great example of how important it is rely on God when the sun shines and in the midst of the storm.

    Stay strong, Stay Happy!

    Liked by 1 person

  44. Wow! I wonder why that person make that comment. Were they mean or just stupid?Maybe even imagining they were helping you?
    Anyhow you did right not to entertain those thoughts. Read Philippians 4:8 instead. It has helped me overcome depression repeatedly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Rachel! Thank you so much for your kind words. Honestly i wish I could say it was ignorance but it was pretty mean spirited. Thanks for the verse recco. God is good. Hugs and love xox

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  45. Thoughts are so powerful. They can be dangerous if we entertain Satan’s thoughts, but a blessing if the thoughts we ruminate upon come from God. I’m glad you were able to clarify so that hopefully none of us will make the same mistake.

    Liked by 1 person

  46. Wise choice to walk away from responding to the commenter.

    There is a school of thought that for solid mental health we are supposed to share all of our feelings and talk it out. This is often true of course but it is also often a falsehood for the reason you articulate. Dragging stuff up can be damaging if not done carefully.

    Particularly to ask for it anonymously online. That would be the height of malpractice by any standard.

    Thanks for being public about not responding and the reasons why. Folks need to have that kind of permission plus the word of hope you give.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Lance, thank you so much for this response. I appreciate the encouragement. You’re right, dragging stuff up can be detrimental if not done carefully. So glad you stopped by! hugs and love xox

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  47. Oh my goodness I really really really needed to hear this wisdom today – thank you so much. As you know from reading my blog, I too am in recovery from an ED, one which manifests itself in different ways to anorexia, but is based on the same lies and shame. I love that through the unhelpful comment came an opportunity for the strength of your faith to rise up and cut down those lies and shame. God works together all things for the good of those who love Him! And you know what- His Holy Spirit shines out of you, even in your anger (which seems like righteous anger to me). We are so truly blessed to have Jesus fighting for us. I stand with you my sister-in-Christ as we battle on through this – let’s keep praying for those who dishearten and discourage us, for His love is our weapon and our shield.
    Lots of love L xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey L! Thank you so much for this. Your kindness and encouragement are so appreciated. Amen to that- He is fighting for us. What a comforting thought. Stay strong, warrior. You’re an inspiration! Hugs and love xox

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  49. This has been by far my favorite post of yours. Your words are raw, honest, and authentic. The eating disordered voice in the back of my head still haunts me sometimes even though I’ve been in recovery for about 5 years. It is so comforting to know that other people in long-term recovery still get preyed on by that voice too but are able to find comfort in Christ. Thank you for being so real!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Kenny, thank you so much for such kind words. Wow 5 years-rock on warrior! Oh yes, that voice can try to sneak in but you’re so right-there is comfort and strength to be found in Christ! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  50. This is well written… It is not easy to describe the distinction between revisiting things that need to be healed and preventing oneself from going to a place which would not be healthy. I know where that line is for myself… and I would venture a guess that it is different for each person. It is that cliff which should not be walked off. And each person has their own drop off.
    But the reminder in the end is positive – and the fact that ED brings us to our knees – absolutely begging for the grace and strength to face something we can’t on our own – shows me again and again that God can conquer ALL.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there friend, thank you so much for this powerful reflection. Amen to that – God can and does conquer all. Even ED. I am so grateful for that, because you’re right – I definitely cannot face it on my own. So glad this resonated with you. Sending hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

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