Letting You In On A Secret

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

There’s a part of my past that I haven’t really shared with you.


I’ve been pretty irresponsibly open about the anorexia in my past, but there’s also another part of my history that was equally defining, perhaps even more so. And that’s Ulcerative Colitis.

If you don’t know what that is, it is the “sister disease” of Crohn’s disease, which is more well known — they just affect different parts of the intestine. Basically, it is an auto-immune disease, meaning the body attacks itself, and it affects your digestive system. And there is no cure.

And the reason that I haven’t really shared much about this is that it is so intertwined with my development of anorexia.

I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis when I was sixteen, and subsequently developed anorexia shortly afterwards – in large part because of the pain from eating due to the UC. The UC made me lose weight, as I was unable to absorb nutrients because my intestines were lined in ulcers and I had developed gastroparesis (paralysis of the pyloric valve in the stomach), but it was exacerbated by my fear to gain weight from the anorexia.

They were happening simultaneously.

Which also allowed me to use UC to my anorexia’s advantage.

Top it off with having to take literally the highest dose of the steroid, Prednisone, which made me hyperactive, and you’ve got the recipe for disaster. And fun fact, Prednisone is nicknamed the “dirty drug” because of its negative mental and physical side effects.

The thing about UC is that you go through periods of remission, and periods when you’re in an active flare, which can range from anywhere from 1 month to -as I found out, 10 months. I don’t need to go into detail, but flares are excruciating. My mom always jokes that childbirth will be nothing for me after the pain I’ve had to endure.

So I was actively flaring when I developed anorexia. The steroid did work after about 3 months, and put me into remission, but it left some long lasting effects that I still deal with to this day.

Fast forward five years later to 2012, and I started to flare again. And it was worse.

This time, I went to a different doctor. The highest rated GI doctor in the midwest. He was appalled that my previous doc had put me on Prednisone, given its dangerous side effects for young women in particular. Namely, the mental side effects, and the fact that it significantly increases your risk for osteoporosis. So he will not prescribe it.

That was music to my ears, because after the episode with it in high school, my parents and I vowed that dirty drug would never cross my lips again. #ItNearlyKilledMe

But this second flare, it was out of control. I had to move home from NYC. I was on bed rest for 10 months. Nothing was working. I went to probably 5 different GI doctors within the tristate area, I went to naturopaths, specialists. Took mega drugs, natural medicines, pills, powders, drops, homeopathic remedies, experimental drugs that were still in trials, herbs, supplements, chlorophyll. We even tried faith healing. Nothing worked. My condition kept getting worse and worse.

Hospital Visit for UC ~2012

Given that UC is an auto immune disease, in the most severe cases, the symptoms can become extra-intestinal, meaning that they show up in other areas of the body, outside of the ulcers in my intestines. During this flare, I was experiencing erythema nodosum. Google that shiz. For two months, I was getting nodules the size of oranges and grapefruits on my knees and shins, making me unable to walk. Mine spread to my forearms too. Unsightliness aside, it was also excruciating. The ulcers in my intestines also spread to my mouth, and for several weeks, the sides of my tongue became covered with ulcers, and I was unable to eat. Period. Additionally, given the fact that UC is an inflammatory disease, I would get fevers of 104 degrees, as fevers are the body’s way of fighting inflammation. Nights consisted of cold compresses to break the fever, followed by debilitating, tooth chattering chills.

Things were dire. And my family and I were becoming more and more desperate as the days and weeks went on and on.

The last and final option was to undergo surgery to remove my intestines.

During all this time, I had been researching. Reading different books and looking into different studies on the internet about UC and how people have gotten better and even healed from it.

And the one thing that I had been reading – and also experiencing – was that none of the doctors were talking to me about what I was eating. None of them were talking about my diet.

Which, when I stopped to think about it, was really odd. Ulcerative Colitis is a digestive disease…shouldn’t the food I was eating be the first thing you look at?

I’m not a doctor, but that just made sense to me.

And so I got to researching.

During one of my early visits to the naturopath, he suggested that I go on the Specific Carb Diet, an anti-inflammatory therapeutic way of eating.

He explained it as a very restrictive diet: No grains, gluten, dairy, sugar, soy, beans, legumes, potatoes or corn. But although very rigid, has produced promising results in people with Crohn’s, UC, and autism, surprisingly.

But I am in recovery from anorexia. There’s no way I could adopt a restrictive diet. I do not want to be restricted again. I am free from restriction in my life. I am not going back to that place.

So I put it out of my mind.

That is, until I was facing the last option of getting my intestines removed.

So I tried it.

And you know what? It worked.

It put me out of my flare and into remission. For good.

Ten months after starting that horrible flare, I was back in NYC, living vibrantly and abundantly.

I have my health back. I have my life back. I have my future back.

And it’s thanks to the Specific Carb Diet – SCD.

But let me give credit where credit is due – I know that it was truly God who healed me.

When I told my doctor that I wanted to wait on the surgery and give the SCD a try, he “poo-poo’d” it, saying it would never work. That I was writing my own death wish. He literally said that my healing was a miracle. Something that he’s never seen.

God facilitated my healing through the SCD. And for that, I am forever grateful.

But obviously, it’s hard to talk about food on an anorexia recovery blog, when a person could look at the way I’m eating – following the SCD – and proclaim that I’m not truly in recovery, when I’m still eating a restrictive diet. That I’m a “faker.” That I’m disingenuous. 

Especially given the fact that I used my UC in the past to my anorexia’s advantage.

So up until now, I’ve left it out of my story.

But the fact is, it is a huge part of who I am. And how I live my life. And the roles God and faith and trust have played in my life. And in what I’ve had to overcome.

During that time, I never lost hope. I knew that God was going to heal me. He had gotten me through my anorexia, He would get me through this flare too. He was going to teach me something, make me grow, give me a perspective that I could have only gotten through that suffering.

While I was sick, I began documenting the foods I was eating. The recipes I was making that ultimately healed me of my UC. What started as a blog for my own personal records quickly took off and developed into a pretty highly trafficked blog. I even published a e-cookbook.


But I haven’t talked about it for fear of people doubting my credibility. Doubting the authenticity of my recovery.

So I’m just addressing it head on.

Being home this week, inhabiting the setting where I have so many memories – from the dark days of my anorexia, as well as the dire days of my UC flares, I can’t help but reflect on my journey so far. The journey that hasn’t always been the road I would have chosen. But it’s the road that has gotten me to where I am today. To who I am today.

I don’t know why things happen, or why we have to endure the things that we do, but I do know that we are never in it alone.

I can safely say that I could not have gotten through those periods in my life without God. He held me up. He supported me. Gave me the grace, moment by moment to endure. And ultimately overcome.


So thanks for letting me share that with you tonight.

I know there are no funny cat gifs or flashy Ryan Gosling appearances, but you guys mean a lot to me, and you deserve to know my whole story.

Consider this one step closer to me working up the courage to fully introduce who I really am.

Sending the biggest hugs and love.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

423 thoughts on “Letting You In On A Secret”

  2. You are amazing and a blessing to so many with your innocent, transparency – it’s is refreshing and honest….I love it. I share your stuff with women at the street mission where I pastor. God has taken what the enemy surely meant to silence you and is giving you the courage to spread His love and grace to so many that think they aren’t worthy. Bless you! Dan

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Dan! oh my gosh thank you so much 🙂 wow, that is so awesome that you share my stuff with your ministry! i am truly honored. it sounds like you’re doing some powerful work. keep it up. hugs and love xox

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  4. What a brave post! I think its great you are telling your story. I hope that you arent discredited. Its brilliant that you found a way to eat the foods that allow your UC to go into remission. Im really proud of you for going for it and being so open. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh girl! I am so happy for you to share the whole story. The whole story is still likely unraveling for you, as you piece together all that has happened, is happening, and determine where you will go next. God Bless You on your journey to health, healing, and understanding 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very welcome – you are braver than you know and wise beyond your years. Keep doing what you do and don’t despair by those who aren’t going to support you and your journey to health and continued happiuness 🙂

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  7. I always admire the brave, kind honesty in your writing- sharing this story really does put it all in perspective; you found the deepest key in yourself, and turned it! Wonderful.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You’re so brave and so inspiring to share your story. My husband has UC but it’s under control. I wish you well and send you warmest wishes. xo

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  12. Once again, your witness and testimony lead me to the Holy Spirit. Your wonderful writing style helped me feel the agony of sores on the tongue while trying to deal with the results of medications and anorexia. I felt the hopelessness, but most importantly: I felt the faith.

    God is using you. I say this as a pastor, as a follower of Jesus Christ, and as a human being. Your words and honesty are such a spiritual gift. Thank you for being both vulnerable and strong.

    Blessings,

    Aaron

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Can I ask you something though? Why is it that you read my work so often. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to even be noticed by you but you do in fact have a pretty large presence on here and after reading your posts it’s quite obvious that my stuff is completely different from yours in almost every way aside from the occasional God inspired poem. It’s just truly amazing that my work is given the time of day.

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      3. I know but my poems are kind of dark. Especially the stuff I’ve been writing lately. I feel like such a sinner after reading your stuff. You seem so good. You’re definitely a much better person than me. Lol

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      5. Well I sincerely appreciate the support and the fact that you even respond to me. Stay healthy and blessed! Take care friend.

        P.S. My post are showing up again!

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    2. Hey.. Where’s your blog sir?
      I clicked and it came out that the author has deleted it. Kindly link that. Thankyou:)

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      3. Hey does the link to blog really not work? I keep hearing that but I don’t know how to fix it…

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  15. The brave found battling in the trenches of life. Humanity at its best. Suffering, pain either kills or makes us grow, depending how we react upon it. I think you’re doing exceptionally well.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanx 😃. Must say, how do I know? Been there, done that! Got to know Dr Pain, Chief Surgeon, on first name terms.

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  18. BBB:

    Thank you for sharing more of your story. Those experienced with chronic pain and chronic medical conditions share a common bond.

    I have not experienced these things directly but one of my closest friends was shot while on mission in Uganda and has lived with chronic pain ever since.He, like you, has a uniquely intimate relationship with the Lord.

    In my case, I was driven into a deeper relationship with the Lord by chronic medical conditions in my immediate family–my son went through a kidney transplant, my wife had breast cancer twice, I lost my younger sister to complications to cancer much too young, and so on…I have been personally spared the pain and the conditions, yet experiencing a loss of security in the midst of crises that seemed would never end drove me into the arms of the Lord. So here I am.

    Stephen

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Stephen, thank you for sharing this. You’re right, there is definitely a common bond. oh my gosh, that’s awful, I’m so sorry to hear that. Know that you and your family are in my prayers. Yes, the arms of the Lord are the best place to be. Sending you such a big hug through the computer. xox

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Thank you so much for your candid portrayal of such an important part of your life. I completely believe what you are saying. My husband is an MD who went back for training in integrative medicine MUCH OF WHICH involves the foods we eat. I believe it was Hypocrates who said “Let thy food be medicine and thy medicine be food”. I love that you have found a new way of living and that your determination was so strong you literally took your health into your own hands. I also love that you give God, the creator of your body, all the credit for your healing. I rejoice with you over your recovery, both from the ulcerative colitis and anorexia. You have an amazing story to share!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Darla, thank you so much for this encouragement. Yes, let thy food by thy mending indeed! And amen to that – I owe it all to Him! Thank you so much for your kindness this evening! hugs and love xox

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  21. Thank you for sharing this! I too follow a modified SCD diet due to food allergies/other physical conditions, the only thing different is that I do eat potatoes and dairy. I don’t think we should label it as “restrictive”, but rather it’s much more an act of self-care in feeding our bodies what we need and what works for us. I think that it’s unfortunate that your doctor looked down upon this method, but I’m glad it worked! I believe God worked His miracle through this diet.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Wow. What a story. You should write this up for the Washington Post and their medical mystery column in the Tuesday Health and Wellness section. Seriously. So many lessons here….what a story of persistence and healing, Thank God!

    I know that I’m not part of the food recovery group, but to me I see NO problem with the restrictive diet. That diet isn’t to address the anorexia, but the UC. I say (and yeah, like I carry any weight or significance, right?) that you are still a double or triple champion in what you’ve overcome with the AN, UC and EN. Dang girl…..you rock!!

    And even in the hospital, that radiant smile 🙂

    Because your heart remembers the days you prayed for the life you have now…and are grateful to God for it. Hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  27. I hope you are well now. I have gone through trials also and still am.. There’s always something difficult you can’t tell the world. You have the courage to speak it and I’m very glad you did.

    Love, humility and prosperity
    Nam

    Liked by 1 person

  28. We are our own worst critics, aren’t we? What you feared would bring negativity and abandonment has brought positive vibes and another level deeper with those whom you choose to share your story with. Thank you for trusting yourself, the process and us! I feel privileged to witness your healing. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Thank you for sharing this truly remarkable story. I have often wondered why doctors don’t pay more attention to what their patients eat and drink. It seems obvious to me, but your experience is not that unusual I expect — in that regard, at least.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Wow, this post was truly inspiring. You are so strong! Please don’t worry anymore about your credibility. I believe you, and it’s amazing to see how strong you’ve become. 😊💜

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Your story is truly inspiring – thank you for starting this blog and sharing how the Lord has shone His light in your life. God is truly an awesome and good God! May He continue to heal you and bless you in abundance! Stay strong ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Courage woman, you have in spades! I have been so discouraged about finding answers to my son’s dietary problems or overcoming my own. Thank you for sharing this, I am deeply encouraged!

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I had 2 friends with UC who had their intestines or colon removed and supposedly are in the clear for their UC. Through my autoimmune diseases, my doctor has also prescribed me Prednisone. What do you know about its effect to young women, and how did it so negatively affect you (especially mentally)?
    You should be proud of your fight! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw thank you so much for sharing this. I’m sorry you’re also having to go through ai issues. Prednisone made my personality frantic. I became manic and it intensified the racing ED thoughts in my brain. It also gave me the notorious “moon face” with big cheeks which was detrimental to my body dysmorphia, causing to to restrict even further. Lastly, a side effect is appetite stimulation, so I actively (in my eating disorder) did everything I could to not allow that to happen.) but yes it is bad for women’s bone density and my doctor, as a practice, does not prescribe it to women for that very reason. Hope that helps and wasn’t too rambly. Thanks for reading. Hugs and love xox

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      1. That’s not too rambly at all! I have some liver as well as systemic AI diseases, and I haven’t anything BUT prednisone suggested to me. So I am quite intrigued by this and will definitely look into it. Thanks for letting me know!

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  34. You go, Girl! Sometimes it’s really important to come clean in an outward way. I acknowledge you for your courage and honesty. I wrote a Practical Treatise for my doctoral degree, and one of the quotes I started it with is, “It takes great courage to see the face of God because you first have to look at your own.” -John-Roger, Forgiveness: The Key to the Kingdom
    Your post reminds me of this. Blessings, my friend. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  35. So many times as a reporter, someone would tell me something they were embarrassed about. They’d whisper, shyly as if they didn’t want anyone to know fully understanding a million readers would see their story on Sunday. The ironic thing is that few, if any, told me something I hadn’t heard before. We are human and share in your story. We’ve been there in some way, and we are with you now. Thank you, once again for being brave enough to share your story. We are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  36. 💕 Praise God, you have been through so much and God delivered you from it. 🙌 I had colitis one time and the pain was excruciating.

    I think your blog helps people. You have a gift for writing. Thank you for sharing your stories from the heart. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  38. Sending all the love and hugs I can. xoxoxo One thing I must add, every picture that you have shared, that is of you, is very beautiful. Before you shared this part of your whole experience, I composed a poem dedicated to you. You may find it on my page. I will keep your continued progress in my ❤ and prayers every day!!

    Liked by 1 person

      5. 🙂 Hope you liked it. I know I wrote it before you opened up more about your situation so I hope you didn’t think I had minimalized things.

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  39. Awesome, BBB! Thank you so much for sharing this. It takes a lot of courage to not put food restrictions on yourself no matter how tempting. It takes even greater courage and trust though to change that and accept a restriction out of necessity as well as accepting that you are not in control of your life. It seems that God gave you the experience of freedom through not having restrictions, and then gave you an experience of another kind of freedom through SCD. May He be praised in all things! Could we call this moving from freedom to freedom like St. Paul’s “from glory to glory?”

    Liked by 1 person

  42. Has anyone ever told you about the story how some Italian boy couldn’t eat pasta for a year and a half. True Story! It all came down to this guy’s diet. At the end of the day I’ll let you in on a little secret of my own. Mac and Cheese is a very bad college staple food, Very bad. I was GI for the longest year and a half of my life. Also when I was say GI I am not talking about an army recruiter named Joe knocking on my door.
    I say this often about you because I believe it. You’re stories, your life does make a huge difference whether famous or not it doesn’t matter. You’re biggest impact is writing things down for people to become encouraged by and for all intensive purposes to ” Get their faith up.” You truly are a woman who has beauty beyond their bones. Keep writing scratch that this is the virtual world, what I mean to say is to keep typing.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t mention it I’m Canadian I’m supposed to be nice. I also took a little break from social media. I feel social media is most certainly useful but in the summer time it is away to neglect physical activity no matter what’s trending whether it be Lone Wolf tenor Jennifer Aniston writes for Huffington Post are the Cleveland Cavaliers win the NBA championship. There’s a time and a place for social media and summer time is not it. the reason I decided to take a break from social media is because as a journalist studying in school I’m going to be immersed in interacting with my listening audience September through April and sometimes August so a break from social media is necessary. I don’t look at it as a negative thing either I look at it as a way to study to be quiet soft and still. grab your bible for reference 2nd Timothy chapter 2 verse 15 I’m going to college to have fun I already have enough fun was Jesus. I’m going to college to bring in the Harvest because the laborers are few.

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  43. You are a brave and beautiful person. You told this so well — I think so many will be encouraged. I love that you don’t dwell on why me? but you know God has been with you. I also love that you are setting shame aside and living honestly and wholeheartedly. Bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

  44. You are amazing!..thank you again for your honesty, the things we go through in this life, though painful, mold us into who we are. Not that we are defined by what happens to us, but that what happens to us brings out who we really are. I believe that God has more healing in store for you, I know someone who was allergic to grains for years, she felt God tell her to eat bread one day, she did and realized that she no longer was allergic to grain! Thank God for the healing that has taken place in your life, it is truly a miracle, a testimony of faith. God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

  45. It makes perfect sense that diet would play a role in UC ~ lots of foods are cause inflammation ~ I’m so happy for you that you are healed/healing and having better days- that’s what life is all about. Prayer, prayer is a big one too- God showed you the way, I do believe.

    Liked by 2 people

  47. Tom here!

    “God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him.” –John Piper

    The more I learn about you through your posts and your journey, the more I see about how and why you are learning to rejoice in every circumstance. It’s extremely encouraging and awesome! Have you ever heard of the MercyMe song “In the Secret”? What you just wrote here, Scripture talks about a ton in several places! But none more so than in Hebrews 12:1-2. You truly are focused upon the joy that God and Christ can bring to someone’s life. God doesn’t promise an easy life in following Christ, but He promises to be with us in every circumstance and to help us through the tough times! It is clear that He has proven that to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  49. I confess I actually prefer the blog without the moving and flashing stuff–maybe because my eyes and brain are no longer youthful. I love the photos in this one, tho. But mostly I appreciate learning about the diet as I’m a firm believer that what we do and don’t eat is essential, due to the fact food is from the earth and our bodies are created from the earth. If the food is in the form God intended it (which sadly many grains and such are no longer–hence screwing up our digestive tract) then it should prove beneficial. Secondly, I have a much younger half sister who has something akin to what you deal with, and I have a 12 year old child with D.S. who also has Autism. I’ll be doing some further research. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi friend, oh I’m so glad you enjoyed it! thank you 🙂 And yes – I hope that this may be of some help to them! and your right, it’s true that we literally are what we eat – or rather, our bodies function according to what we fuel them with! hugs and love xox

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  50. Thank you for sharing your experience of God’s goodness in this way! This was especially encouraging to read because just today I made the decision to adopt a very restrictive diet because of health issues. The decision came after months of uncertainty, but today through many means God alleviated my fears and showed me this was all part of His plan for me. Ironically, the verse He used to encourage me was Deut. 8:3, “And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.” This verse is a reminder to me that it’s not about the food itself, but about walking with and glorifying the God who made food and who made me. And coming to see that has definitely been a humbling process! So thankful our God is a loving, compassionate Father!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. amen amen amen. that is so true. I love that verse. I’m glad this was timely for you. Me too, I’m so thankful for His goodness and compassion as well! Wishing you the best on your new way of eating! cheers to health! hugs xox

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