Letting You In On A Secret

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

There’s a part of my past that I haven’t really shared with you.


I’ve been pretty irresponsibly open about the anorexia in my past, but there’s also another part of my history that was equally defining, perhaps even more so. And that’s Ulcerative Colitis.

If you don’t know what that is, it is the “sister disease” of Crohn’s disease, which is more well known — they just affect different parts of the intestine. Basically, it is an auto-immune disease, meaning the body attacks itself, and it affects your digestive system. And there is no cure.

And the reason that I haven’t really shared much about this is that it is so intertwined with my development of anorexia.

I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis when I was sixteen, and subsequently developed anorexia shortly afterwards – in large part because of the pain from eating due to the UC. The UC made me lose weight, as I was unable to absorb nutrients because my intestines were lined in ulcers and I had developed gastroparesis (paralysis of the pyloric valve in the stomach), but it was exacerbated by my fear to gain weight from the anorexia.

They were happening simultaneously.

Which also allowed me to use UC to my anorexia’s advantage.

Top it off with having to take literally the highest dose of the steroid, Prednisone, which made me hyperactive, and you’ve got the recipe for disaster. And fun fact, Prednisone is nicknamed the “dirty drug” because of its negative mental and physical side effects.

The thing about UC is that you go through periods of remission, and periods when you’re in an active flare, which can range from anywhere from 1 month to -as I found out, 10 months. I don’t need to go into detail, but flares are excruciating. My mom always jokes that childbirth will be nothing for me after the pain I’ve had to endure.

So I was actively flaring when I developed anorexia. The steroid did work after about 3 months, and put me into remission, but it left some long lasting effects that I still deal with to this day.

Fast forward five years later to 2012, and I started to flare again. And it was worse.

This time, I went to a different doctor. The highest rated GI doctor in the midwest. He was appalled that my previous doc had put me on Prednisone, given its dangerous side effects for young women in particular. Namely, the mental side effects, and the fact that it significantly increases your risk for osteoporosis. So he will not prescribe it.

That was music to my ears, because after the episode with it in high school, my parents and I vowed that dirty drug would never cross my lips again. #ItNearlyKilledMe

But this second flare, it was out of control. I had to move home from NYC. I was on bed rest for 10 months. Nothing was working. I went to probably 5 different GI doctors within the tristate area, I went to naturopaths, specialists. Took mega drugs, natural medicines, pills, powders, drops, homeopathic remedies, experimental drugs that were still in trials, herbs, supplements, chlorophyll. We even tried faith healing. Nothing worked. My condition kept getting worse and worse.

Hospital Visit for UC ~2012

Given that UC is an auto immune disease, in the most severe cases, the symptoms can become extra-intestinal, meaning that they show up in other areas of the body, outside of the ulcers in my intestines. During this flare, I was experiencing erythema nodosum. Google that shiz. For two months, I was getting nodules the size of oranges and grapefruits on my knees and shins, making me unable to walk. Mine spread to my forearms too. Unsightliness aside, it was also excruciating. The ulcers in my intestines also spread to my mouth, and for several weeks, the sides of my tongue became covered with ulcers, and I was unable to eat. Period. Additionally, given the fact that UC is an inflammatory disease, I would get fevers of 104 degrees, as fevers are the body’s way of fighting inflammation. Nights consisted of cold compresses to break the fever, followed by debilitating, tooth chattering chills.

Things were dire. And my family and I were becoming more and more desperate as the days and weeks went on and on.

The last and final option was to undergo surgery to remove my intestines.

During all this time, I had been researching. Reading different books and looking into different studies on the internet about UC and how people have gotten better and even healed from it.

And the one thing that I had been reading – and also experiencing – was that none of the doctors were talking to me about what I was eating. None of them were talking about my diet.

Which, when I stopped to think about it, was really odd. Ulcerative Colitis is a digestive disease…shouldn’t the food I was eating be the first thing you look at?

I’m not a doctor, but that just made sense to me.

And so I got to researching.

During one of my early visits to the naturopath, he suggested that I go on the Specific Carb Diet, an anti-inflammatory therapeutic way of eating.

He explained it as a very restrictive diet: No grains, gluten, dairy, sugar, soy, beans, legumes, potatoes or corn. But although very rigid, has produced promising results in people with Crohn’s, UC, and autism, surprisingly.

But I am in recovery from anorexia. There’s no way I could adopt a restrictive diet. I do not want to be restricted again. I am free from restriction in my life. I am not going back to that place.

So I put it out of my mind.

That is, until I was facing the last option of getting my intestines removed.

So I tried it.

And you know what? It worked.

It put me out of my flare and into remission. For good.

Ten months after starting that horrible flare, I was back in NYC, living vibrantly and abundantly.

I have my health back. I have my life back. I have my future back.

And it’s thanks to the Specific Carb Diet – SCD.

But let me give credit where credit is due – I know that it was truly God who healed me.

When I told my doctor that I wanted to wait on the surgery and give the SCD a try, he “poo-poo’d” it, saying it would never work. That I was writing my own death wish. He literally said that my healing was a miracle. Something that he’s never seen.

God facilitated my healing through the SCD. And for that, I am forever grateful.

But obviously, it’s hard to talk about food on an anorexia recovery blog, when a person could look at the way I’m eating – following the SCD – and proclaim that I’m not truly in recovery, when I’m still eating a restrictive diet. That I’m a “faker.” That I’m disingenuous. 

Especially given the fact that I used my UC in the past to my anorexia’s advantage.

So up until now, I’ve left it out of my story.

But the fact is, it is a huge part of who I am. And how I live my life. And the roles God and faith and trust have played in my life. And in what I’ve had to overcome.

During that time, I never lost hope. I knew that God was going to heal me. He had gotten me through my anorexia, He would get me through this flare too. He was going to teach me something, make me grow, give me a perspective that I could have only gotten through that suffering.

While I was sick, I began documenting the foods I was eating. The recipes I was making that ultimately healed me of my UC. What started as a blog for my own personal records quickly took off and developed into a pretty highly trafficked blog. I even published a e-cookbook.


But I haven’t talked about it for fear of people doubting my credibility. Doubting the authenticity of my recovery.

So I’m just addressing it head on.

Being home this week, inhabiting the setting where I have so many memories – from the dark days of my anorexia, as well as the dire days of my UC flares, I can’t help but reflect on my journey so far. The journey that hasn’t always been the road I would have chosen. But it’s the road that has gotten me to where I am today. To who I am today.

I don’t know why things happen, or why we have to endure the things that we do, but I do know that we are never in it alone.

I can safely say that I could not have gotten through those periods in my life without God. He held me up. He supported me. Gave me the grace, moment by moment to endure. And ultimately overcome.


So thanks for letting me share that with you tonight.

I know there are no funny cat gifs or flashy Ryan Gosling appearances, but you guys mean a lot to me, and you deserve to know my whole story.

Consider this one step closer to me working up the courage to fully introduce who I really am.

Sending the biggest hugs and love.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

423 thoughts on “Letting You In On A Secret”

  1. Praise God! You and your sharings are a great blessing to me and I am sure all who read. Recognizing and sharing God’s miracle always pumps me up! You are amazing! Thanks be to God!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Well thank-you for sharing some more of your story! And it doesn’t surprise me a bit that changing your diet made the difference – God made us with an incredible body able to care for and heal itself if we just give it what it needs to do the job 😀

    And speaking of who you are and a little aside but I was thinking the other day about identity because I was reading in Daniel a while back and he was having this vision that made him afraid to the point of unconsciousness, he just went flat out on the ground in a faint. And Gabriel came to him and he was like, ‘Daniel, a man greatly beloved,’! And then he said fear not, and Daniel was like, ‘yeah I’m still a little weak-kneed here,’ So he touches him again and strengthens him with, ‘O man greatly beloved,’… because anybody can say ‘Don’t be afraid,’ but the real power against fear is in an identity of perfect love.

    All that to say, your identity to all us here has been BeautyBeyondBones and golly I sure hope all the empty crevices in your heart are just filled to bursting with the echoes of Father’s voice speaking that identity over you because that’s where your strength lies B, not in people saying ‘Don’t be anorexic it’s bad for you,’ but in Father’s love-lavishing voice saying ‘You’re my Beauty.’

    Don’t forget that identity.

    I know there was more to that thought but ya know what? I got all the important parts 😀

    Blessings (:

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow Carson, this is awesome. Thank you. I am sitting here just completely touched by your words. Seriously, you have a way of expressing things that is really powerful. Anywho-thanks for this wonderful reminder of that this morning. Grateful for you. Have a great weekend. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for the next installment in your story. I hold firm to the knowledge that people have recovered from every possible diagnosis. I am so encouraged by your story of an “improbable recovery” I think that believing there is a path to healing is the first step. Recognizing that the outcome is within Grace, turning it over to God, while taking action towards wellness. May your belly be happy always. And may the loving intent you send out be a beacon of healing to those who need encouragement.
    Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks for liking a post on my blog for it led me here, to you, and your wonderful words of wisdom that have manifested from your experiences. I started reading hours ago and could not stop. Now, 2:30a and I’ve read most of your posts from the last couple of years. I can truly say that all that you have written is brilliant and very inspiring. God is truly working through you.
    Although much of what you have written I already have been taught by Jesus, my mind and soul needed to hear it again, especially the messages about loving yourself. It is so easy to forget to love ourselves, or worse, condemn ourselves amidst the errors we make. Thanks for reminding me that He loves me so much even when I am failing and broken.
    You have made this clear, consistently. I have a bi-monthly newspaper that focuses on positive articles and messages like yours, with a wide audience here in western Colorado that I am certain would love and benefit greatly from your wisdom and encouragement. Your writing style of opening yourself up makes me feel like I already know you personally and it would be a pleasure and an honor if I could re-publish and share your columns with them. If you are open to that, please let me know. You can check out our publication at http://sunshineexpressmedia.com to see if it is compatible with your goals. Thank you for considering my request, but mostly just thank you for doing what you are called to do. You are amazing and yes, very beautiful, inside and out! God bless you – Mikey, aka KingDaddy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Mikey, thank you for such kind words. I am so touched that you would take the time to go back and read my older posts. That means so much. Truly. And that’s awesome. I would be honored for you to share my work! I’m trying to broaden my readership and expand the venues through which I can reach people, so anything you can do would be greatly greatly appreciated. I checked out your publication and it really has some wonderful content. Feel free to email me beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com
      Thanks again! Hugs

      Like

  8. Thank you for your honesty. In my fellowship, I often hear that there are many paths up this mountain. Your path is different from others because your health concerns are different and that’s okay.

    What’s important is that you’re healthy today and mindful of both diseases. Knowing yourself and what works will help you to stay on your recovery path.

    Best regards.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. God heals when we are ready and usually not before and none of this makes your anorexia fraudulent or you -I am going to post this over at my wife’s blog – great sharing – I am so glad I just have Epilepsy and depression O and diabetes.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Well i must say again you gave me a wonderful post to read. I love your quotes about the past…thats what I want trying to tell myself but you put in much better words.
    I can relate to your struggles and faith in God. The only difference is I suffered only mentally (no physical deseases) just depression and it nearly killed me when I finally stood up to live again.Thank you for reminding me that I have to be grateful to God. Even though I follow a Religion but I always thought that the consequences and events made me stronger but now I realized it was God who chose that path for me.
    Plus I am glad you shared your suffering and we are always here to support you. your wordpress family xox.
    Now I will also remember to be grateful to God in my blogposts instead of just complaining. Btw what’s your name? Are u on Twitter?
    Always love you a lot xox.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this wonderful comment. I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with illness as well. So glad you’ve experienced healing as well:) yes! I’m at @anarevealed on Twitter and @beauty.beyond.bones on Instagram! Thanks for reading. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Thanks for sharing – the link between the food we eat and so many diseases has been largely ignored by the medical profession because there is no money in it. Meanwhile food manufacturers continue to poison food by stripping away vital nutrients and replacing them with all sorts of chemicals that are harmful. Thankfully we are now waking up to the facts and its great to see you ‘spreading the word’ Wishing you every healthy blessing!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I have a close family member with Crohn’s, and I see a lot of similarities between his story and yours. He was on Prednisone for a while too, and it seemed like he was acting like a total dick a lot more often during that time. (Someone else I know was also acting like a total dick when he was on Prednisone for reasons not related to Crohn’s or ulcerative colitis, but I think that’s just because this guy is a dick, period. Unrelated.) Anyway, he was also considering surgery, but he went against his doctor’s recommendations and stopped all the drugs, because he was convinced they were making things worse, and has gone on a very restricted diet for the last few years. He is doing a lot better. Now let’s just pray that he finds God in the midst of all this…

    Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Great story. It shows no matter how bleak things get there’s always the light of hope (God). He knows best and he does best. He is using you as a beacon of hope for others. Though you cannot heal them, your experience shares with them the way that leads them to hope. At the end of the day God is the answer but I believe in my heart that he uses others in his works for good. Young lady you are one of those good works. Be Blessed and keep up your great works, you will continue to be rewarded.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Hey, BBB: Nothing that you have said here would ever cause me to doubt your faith that faith had healed you. Where people get into trouble is when they assert that their faith can heal others. Even Jesus did not assert that, always saying “Your faith has healed you.”

    Many medical doctors take the perspective that we are simply machines. They don’t see the whole person. That you accepted the wisdom of the naturopath against the pressure of your doctor’s derision reflects the strength that you found in the Holy Spirit.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Brian, I really appreciate it. Yes, I am so grateful to God for His healing. The HS is a powerful powerful advocate and guide-what an amazing gift we were left with. So glad you stopped by. Hugs and love xox

      Like

  20. So inspiring and very informative. I did not know the danger of Prednisone until now. My son was always prescribed with it in his asthma attacks. Thank God he doesn’t have it anymore.
    I wish you the best of health.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I had tears in my eyes as I was reading. You are a pillar of strength and determination. I’m so happy that you found the best medicine / cure / way of life through the SCD.

    I’ve watched a now-14-year-old girl go through Crohn’s disease since the age of 3-4. When she was diagnosed, she was the youngest case of Crohn’s that our children’s hospital (Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughters in Norfolk, Virginia) had ever seen. But, through a strict diet and follow-ups, she’s avoided surgery and now lives a healthy, abundant life. She’s a star athlete, and a beautiful young woman.

    Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Laura, wow, thank you for this beautiful comment. I so appreciate your kindness. Gosh, that’s so tough. My heart goes out to that little girl. I”m so glad she’s living abundantly. I will keep her in my prayers. Thanks for stopping by! hugs and love xox

      Like

  23. This is an amazing part of your story, thank you for sharing it with us all. It doesn’t make you a ‘faker’ to be living on a restricted diet, Being free of your anorexia doesn’t mean you gorge yourself uncontrollably no matter what, it means that you are no longer control by an unhealthy eating habit and are living your life eating in a healthier way (no different in that sense from someone who unhealthily over eats). Eating this special diet is you living healthy, anyone who says anything different is seeking to get a rise out of you and make you feel bad about what you are doing and shouldn’t be listened to. God has set you free and gives you the grace and strength to keep going daily.
    Blessings as you continue your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Glad you found the diet. It’s so important to be our own advocates. Being epileptic, I’ve learned that sometimes (most times) you have to fight for your health. We (especially women) know our bodies best. God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. I’m so proud of you for releasing this truth about yourself! It is SO brave.
    My daughters best friend has UC and autism as well. He is 10. He was on chemo drugs and then steroids to get his under control, and after 8 months is finally seeing progress. My daughter has stayed by his side and hung out with him daily to offer support and laughs. So, on that note, and pardon the pun, let all out sister. We are all here to support you and lift you up when you feel down. There is nothing we can’t do with the Lord by our side. Every step, every tear. Much love my dear💜

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Being open about food issues and body issues isn’t irresponsible if you’re passing on a message of recovery and you should be given praise for that. I never talk about my history because I just not strong enough to admit that publicly.

    My sister also has UC, she was diagnosed when she was 14 and while she’s had a hard time through parts of her life because of it and while it can’t be cured it can be helped.

    I really do wish you all the best for the future

    Liked by 1 person

  31. The Lord used your blog today to confirm something that has been rolling around in my head for the past two days. The new Switchfoot album is “Where the Light Shines Through”. If you have heard the title song (by the way I think Jon Foreman is a prophetic poet!) the hook line says, “The wound is where the light finds you, the wound is where the light shines through.” This one line has been “haunting” me (in a good way?!) Having been through years of fruitful but very painful ministry at times, I have reached a transition point where I have a choice to allow the pain to become my redemptive story or a “ditch of bitterness” that derails and disqualifies me. I was praying this morning about allowing God to “permit” more of the pain that comes with following His path. Then I read your blog. Thank you for your honesty and allowing the Holy Spirit to use your “wound” to let “the light shine through”. I have worked with teens and young adults for the past twenty years and your story is much needed for this generation. Have you ever considered speaking?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow this is such a powerful reflection. I love that lyric. I’ll have to look up that song because I’m unfamiliar with it! You know it’s funny, I would actually LOVE to to speak, I just don’t know how to get hooked up with the circuit. But I want God to use me in whatever way He wants! Thanks for your encouragement. Hugs and love xox

      Like

      1. I am good friends with two youth evangelists who travel the country speaking and ministering to teens both in churches, camps and public schools. I would like to pass your blog along to them, I have been reading your blog for some time and have been touched by your gifted communication, honest reflection, courage in overcoming and perseverance in faith. God is using your testimony through this blog…I think He could do so even more through speaking opportunities. I will leave my email below. Either way, keep doing what you are doing! God is using you! Prayers, Grace and Peace…Tom. (aldrichtom01@gmail.com)

        Like

  34. I have found that courage and faith work together but not always at the same time or at the same strength. But you know who is “growing” both so you will be okay – and get even stronger. Good job and praise God!

    Liked by 1 person

  37. My brother has either UC or atypical Crohn’s (his symptoms are wacky). I’ve got liver damage. We’ve both had to learn how to eat in ways that help rather than harm our bodies. My diet is different from his, but that’s fine and also kind of the point – what works for one won’t work for all. I’m so glad that you found something that works for you. Thank you for sharing this part of your story!

    Liked by 1 person

  38. I’m so glad that you discovered SCD rather than having drastic surgery and shame on the doctors that would try to discourage your nutritional healing experiments through fearmongering. Removing foods that harm you and keeping foods that work for you and the monitoring that is required to work out which is which is a million miles different than obsessive calorie monitoring and restriction. That is nothing for you to be ashamed of at all and your story of healing could help so many people – it’s something to be proud of, go you! x

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Great post 🙂 Taking into account everything you said, it is joyful to know that things are going great for you right now and hopefully in the future too 🙂 Anyway, keep up the great work as always 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  40. Beauty! I’m so glad you decided to share this part of your path! For me, this makes you more real, if that makes sense. I could not doubt your honesty, having read you from your first post. I heard the pain that was once yours; that’s hard to fake. You know how I originally reacted and the blog I wrote about BBB.

    I understand the anxiety over appearing to be dishonest. I go there too at times. I just try to remember that no one bats 1.000 in being accepted by others. Once you claim that truth, there is great freedom. You’ve claimed it now, even if nervously, and have been rewarded with everyone’s affirmation. Well done, you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  43. It took a lot of courage to write what you did and it was a beautiful thing to read. It is true that some may doubt your recovery because of it, but their opinions do not hold more weight than Gods, and that is a truth you share with Him. Continue to persevere and grow! You deserve it!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha! Hadn’t “caught” that. Stoutheartedness. Punny indeed. You’re a beautiful girl, resilient, determined— a girl after my own heart. Failure IS NOT an option! Good for you! And the rest of us who get to read your stories.

        Like

  45. Love the way you acknowledge God throughout your recovery. Yes suffering happens to all of us, no one is immune to it, but through that suffering we build character, we build empathy we have compassion. Yes miracles still happen today and prayer healing is a great way to go, because doctors as much as they are helpful, are not God. God bless your life

    Liked by 1 person

  48. My goodness, my friend. I couldn’t help but wince with my own pain reading some of the symptoms you were experiencing. Praise God for His healing physically and for His growing hand spiritually!

    Liked by 1 person

  49. This really touched me my friend! Get sharing what God has put in your heart for you have become His heart, His empathy and His grace. Folks will usually criticize that which they cannot relate to or do not understand.

    Please do not focus on that or them. The lives you are helping and saving will provide all the love amd appreciation by the one more day of hope you have helped them to experience by your testamony.

    Be encouraged my friend and I thank God for your courage, heart and healing!

    Your friend and brother in Christ,

    Pastor Lionel

    Liked by 1 person

  50. All praises belong to God! I’ve been praying for you and you have been on my mind. I know it was the Holy Spirit speaking to me to pray for you. I didn’t know your story but I knew you were a believer because you almost always “liked” my post. When I don’t see you I get concern. I appreciate your transparency and you have blessed millions by your testimony ! Amen I love you!

    Liked by 1 person

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