On Feeling

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Facebook is a funny thing. Honestly, you never know what you’re going to get when you pop on The Book. Will you see a hostile political rant? A funny meme about cats and Crossfitters? A pregnancy/engagement announcement? It’s a veritable grab-bag of posts that can either make you dry heave, bust out laughing or hard core eye roll. Just spin the wheel of fun.

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But sometimes, Facebook can catch you off guard a little bit. Throw you for a loop.

Well tonight, that happened. And it came in the form of a photo. Of this guy, with whom I’ve kinda had a Ross/Rachel-esq friendship-with-romantic-undertones kind of a deal.

*sigh*

I mean. This photo….

Weak at the knees. You feel me?

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But for the last month or two, I’ve completely given up on this guy. Moved on. Tucked away my feelings for him in the “never gonna happen” part of my brain, right next Zac Efron and Zayn Malik.

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I’ve written about him several times on here before. And for a lot of different reasons, it just can never be.

But seeing this photo tonight…it sparked a longing in my heart.

Now, please, people. Don’t get the wrong idea. Not that kind of longing.

But the kind of longing in my heart. For someone to love. Or perhaps more accurately, someone to love me.

Because the truth that I came to tonight, was that I have a lot of love to give. And I want to give someone that love. I want that with every fiber of my broke and messed up being.

I’ve notoriously been a “bottler” when it comes to my feelings, and I’ve gotten better at that. But I’m pretty stoic when it comes to my feelings. I definitely am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I like to wear a strong face. Keep up the facade that I’ve got it all together.

But sometimes when no one is around and I’m anonymous in the sea of humanity in NYC, I let my guard down and allow myself to just…feel.

I don’t know, maybe I’m a bit of a masochist, but I turn on my ex-boyfriend and my “Song,” (Howie Day: Collide) and take a walk by the river and just cry. And I’m gonna be honest: it feels really good, in an emotional release/allowing-myself-to-be-“emo” kind of a way.


But walking along tonight, I came to three realizations.

First: I do trust that God has the right man for me. Out there somewhere. And I will meet him at the right time. God will bring him into my life when I am ready.

When I started this blog last year, I was at a very different place.

Night and day different. Not from a “weight/physical recovery” standpoint, but from a “Who am I, really” standpoint.

Through writing this blog, I have truly “unpacked” a lot of baggage. I’ve worked through a lot of things that I had been holding on to. Things that had been hindering me from becoming my true and truly free self. Becoming my truly free in Christ self.

The “pre-BBB Caralyn” was not ready for love. But present day Caralyn, she is.

God has been waiting for me to become whole. To become ready. To become able to love someone, and to allow someone to love me back.

But the second thing I realized, is that no man is going to solve that deep longing in my heart. No one is going to be able to fill that spirit-level desire to love and be loved.

A man can come close, and provide an earthly satisfaction for those relational desires, but only Jesus can truly fill that need. It is only His love that will truly satisfy that longing.

So while, yes I may be impatient to love a man and show him affection and give my heart to someone worthy of receiving it, ultimately, the Man I should be giving it to first, is Jesus.

And in this time that I’m single, that is the relationship I should be focusing on and working on.

The last thing I realized, is that, it’s okay to be angry and sad and feeling these annoyed/impatient feelings at God.

Letting myself cry – is okay. Sure, maybe not every night. But I need to acknowledge those feelings. Feel them. And then move on. Not dwell in them. But give them the appropriate recognition, and move forward.

Perhaps I need to take a respite from the old Facebook for a few. Because, I’m telling you…I see that photo, and I get a little…shall we say…verklempt.

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I needn’t rush the process. God is forming me. Shaping my heart to be able to receive the man he’s preparing for me.

It is my job to just trust. And not get all caught up in a perfectly filtered and chiseled jaw line that pops up on my newsfeed.


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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

228 thoughts on “On Feeling”

  2. I find your posts to be so refreshing, because you are able to admit the things that make you feel bad and at the same time you are able to find some positive…I don’t know…some positive ‘thing ‘ to look forward to.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I love this post. Love your honesty and transparency, it makes you and your journey authentic. And you are right, God is preparing you and the right man to be a beautiful union one day. Praying God gives you all you need in your waiting process.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can totally relate to the bottling up of feelings. The more we do, the easier it becomes until our system gets emotionally overloaded! I have no doubt God has a wonderful plan for your life! Thank you for sharing your journey!

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  5. Beautiful post, I love how accepting you are of yourself. You just let yourself have your moments and think through your life and be confused about things but then find the answer. It’s beautiful and so inspirational to watch you work through everything. ❤ You go girl! (By the way, I sent you an email, it's kinda urgent. I'd really appreciate it if you read it when you have the time! Thanks!)

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    1. Hey! thank you so much:) I so appreciate your kind and encouraging words.hah yes I am always confused about a lot of things! lolol Oh awesome! I’m sorry I have been so behind in my email. but i’ll definitely check it out tomorrow. hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Because you are trusting God to send you the absolutely perfect man for you I know He will. There are probably arrangements to be made so the meeting can take place at the right time so hang in. I know it’s lonely but, in the end, waiting for God’s choice for you will be amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Without wanting to sound like a grandparent (but probably doing it anyway), one of the things I learned going through a couple of intense relationships which ended in difficult break-ups was to slow down. After my first marriage broke down I made a commitment to myself that I only wanted to do relationship once more and do it right. That meant taking the time to heal, to work out where I was at and where I was going, and to allow God to do refining in my life. God has made us relational beings, so that desire will always be there which makes waiting really hard, but when we let things happen in his time the results are always amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Love this!

    I know exactly how you feel and I’ve been there before.

    Just want you to know … as you already do lol… so more like a confirmation really… that a Christ sees and knows every feeling and emotion you’re going through and your husband is there… soon we’ll all rejoice with you. .. I’m rejoicing now intact lol! God’s already done it for you x

    Lots of love from the UK xx

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  11. I love how honest you always are and I just know when He feels that the time is right, the most wonderful man will come into your life and you’ll know why no one else was right. You only deserve the best.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. You have such a beautiful outlook on life and love. And yes, it is definitely okay to cry… In fact, I encourage it. I was a bottler too. I was in an extremely abusive relationship in my early twenties and I had to bottle up the pain and “numb out” just to survive. There were two years after I finally escaped that I started to have feelings and it was terrifying because I had gotten so used to being numb…
    I like what you said about giving the pain and feelings the recognition and acceptance, but not dwelling on them. That point of recognition, prayer, faith/trust in God, and all the tears were pivotal in my healing.
    Also, I disagree with you when you said ” my broke and messed up being.” You are not broken or messed up. You are Beautiful, Strong, and Brave!
    Love and Blessings,
    Alana ❤

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    1. Thanks Alana 🙂 I appreciate you sharing your story. I’m so glad you were able to escape that relationship because you deserve and are worth someone who cherishes the amazing gift that you are and treats you with kindness and respect. And how true is that – tears are definitely pivotal to the healing process. And thanks so much for those kind words. Sending massive massive hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  13. This post, and some of the comments I read before I wrote this, give me hope, that I’m not necessarily heading toward a lonely end. It’s lonely sometimes, and sometimes it is hard to keep trusting when you think nothing is happening, but you keep holding on and believing. It’s what I must do too.

    Thank you. This is why I tune in on Mondays and Thursdays 🙂

    Have a great weekend!

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  14. You know something that I just had to take a step back and think about recently is the Psalms. We go “Yeah yeah, people wrote all kinds of feelings in there, blah blah blah, so what,” because I already ‘knew’ that the Psalms were one big book of reasons why it’s ‘okay’ to authentically feel toward God, but I never really knew. A lot of them are raw and deep and I have to stop and look behind the language barrier and say “Huh…” because when I feel those things I feel like I’m failing Christianity (nevermind Jesus, the apparently ever-stoic-never-feeling)

    Anyway, I’m not entirely sure how I got there from here but..you know? The feels. So I gotta say, don’t take your feelings as an indication that you aren’t totally enamored and in love and that your relationship with Jesus is in danger or needs work. No. All it needs, is more it. 😉

    Another thought though – A Godly man won’t be giving you ‘his’ love, he’ll be giving you Jesus’ love, so while you identify the difference, the man Father has planned for you is absolutely going to satisfy that longing, because he will lead you only deeper into Him (:

    Best of luck and as Rappin’ Rabbit says, “I can’t wait to have patience / because patience is a wonderful thing / hurry up! Let me have it! Gotta get it now! / I want it more than anything! / this has taken long enough / give me some of that patience stuff! / I can’t wait to have patience / hurry up, hurry up, HURRY UP!”

    Just be patient, Rappin’ Rabbit!

    😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Carson! Wow, this is such an awesome reflection. So true….a Godly man will be giving me Jesus’ love. I have never thought about it that way before but Wowee! That is so true and powerful and gosh, I wanna take that to the bank! 🙂 You’re always full of such great insight. I so appreciate you sharing it! And haha I love rappin’ rabbit! He needs to release a CD 🙂 hehe hugs xox

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  15. This was unbelievable… it was like reading my own thoughts. Somehow we are on the same wavelength. Honest to God I was just having this discussion with my male friend who I have feelings for and it won’t ever work… that Jesus is the man I need to prioritize. We got off the phone, I checked my emails and read this blog. I’m pretty speechless. But you said it perfectly, and it takes a lot of courage to not only share all of that, but to do it. Yes, God has a plan. In HIS timing. (As frustrating as that can be.)
    xo
    Kristin

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I totally get your feelings girl! Sometimes I wish I could see who God has planned for me, but I know that would ruin the surprise. Sometimes it feels good to just let the emotions out. Jesus is doing a great work in you for sure 👌😘

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Does a older man’s heart good to hear so many young women say I am waiting on God to send me the right man. My niece waited through several relationship. until he Boaz showed up. They have two children and a beautiful life.

    Blessings to all of you that wait on God

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Ah, matters of the heart. I feel that. Vividly. Exquisite pain, I call it. We break our own hearts sometimes with this pain. It’s all normal emotions but normal doesn’t take away the power of those emotions to spin our hearts and minds in a tempest that leaves us a disheveled wreck. What if God wanted us to feel these emotions in the safety of his care before he turned us loose for the real thing. For me, that is how I learned to value love, by feeling and enduring the long and terrible pain of its absence. I think you are on the right path. Just don’t fear or shun what your heart was always meant to feel – every emotion at the full range of its power. 😀

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  23. Perfect! I’m always heartened when people realize they can be annoyed/irritated/even straight up angry at God. It’s okay. God can take it. God’s taken worse (did you see that Job guy go off?!? OMG, right?) We have those talks in seminary all the time – God’s time and our time just don’t work together from our vantage point. It’s frustrating! God bless you for recognizing it!

    Rich

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  24. I wish I could have read this in the twenty years between my first marriage and my current (and last!) marriage! I badly wanted to remarry, but I was determined that I would rather remain single than end up in another bad marriage. Even so, it was hard. I tried to justify wanting a relationship with a certain man (There were so many red flags!), and when he rejected me, I thought I was destined to be single forever. Then, one night when I was praying, I realized that I had a death grip on the “steering wheel” of my life. I truly let go of the wheel at that point and let God have control. Kind of like the song “Jesus, take the wheel!” It was shortly after this that I met my husband, and we were married three years later. It was a long wait, but relinquishing control to God (Who truly has control anyway) opened the way for my life to move on in a positive way. Thank you for such an honest and open post!

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  25. Hi Caralyn aka BBB!!! 🙂 You are a beautiful lady, from your heart right through your entire Godly being, whom He created. Your honesty, your compassion for life, purity, and God, is a blessing to many, and I am sure pleases our Heavenly Father.

    I don’t know if you are aware, but you have an anointing from God on your life, and He has opened doors, and given you venues to write about Life, to an eager audience. As you have shared your struggles and trials from when you were younger, many have been helped, realizing the need to live healthy, and eat healthy.
    The example of your life, and your willingness to share that you will remain a virgin until your wedding night, with the value you attach to that, is having an effect on young ladies across the countries. When they read your values, your positivity, these young ladies realize they also have value and worth. Once that is realized, their entire lives will improve, and many others will have their lives touched also.

    Of course BBB, with this Anointing upon you, comes the responsibility to continue giving Glory to God, our Heavenly Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ, our Saviour, who willingly gave His Life for each of us. Of course, you are never alone. The Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Jesus, is always with you, and dwells within you.

    God’s Blessings Caralyn, as you continue going forward, serving, and living for Christ in word and action.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there G! wow thank you so much for this beautiful comment. You’re right, I have a responsibility to give Him glory. So true. And you’re right – I am never alone. Thanks for stopping by! hugs xox

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  26. Dude. Two things. First, your three realizations: awesome, wise, and spot on. Right on all three counts. Second, do you see how what people commenting on is how much they appreciate your transparency and authenticity? While my “certified authentic” comment of a while back was written in an over-the-top way, it was nonetheless seriously and authentically given. I know being single is hard. Waiting sucks. And sometimes it seems like God is dragging His feet. I don’t know what God has in store for you. But whatever it is, it is freakishly awesome, and you will be glad for it. Keep hanging in there Caralyn, and keep trusting God. After all, its going to be all the more necessary when Mr. Right comes along. =)

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  27. Caralyn, Thank you for sharing your heart with the world. I had to come to the same realizations years ago. Perhaps it would’t have taken me so long if someone had shared their experience with me and helped to give me this kind of guidance. Keep doing what you’re doing. May God bless you–your personal life and your ability to spread your message to the world.

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  31. Beautiful post, as usual! You literally just wrote what I’ve been feeling and struggling with for a while now. It’s so hard to wait and I get super irritated with God but like you said I trust that He has the best for us and either way spending eternity with Him in heaven will be far sweeter than anything found during our time here on earth. Thank you for your words!! ❤

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  34. Every day I pray that my marriage will be a match made in heaven and I come against any substitute husband from the enemy. You are so inspiring. Keep seeking Him first and he shall add all other things unto you.

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  36. Inspiring 🙂 For those who are also struggling with that battle, this was just… amazing. Really. A good reminder of Christ first, spouse second. Thank you for your honesty, as you can well see, your readers well appreciate it. With grace, love and peace, hugs from South Africa 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  37. Beautiful, heartfelt post. I admire you for a clear-eyed view of romance–for not chasing after a relationship with someone you have a certain chemistry with when you know you two (for whatever reasons) aren’t right for each other. That takes a lot of courage and reflection.

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Thanks for reminding us that our identiity is found in Christ (sons and daughters of the King), and not in our careers, qualifications, marital status, or even for that matter our Facebook status. Stay strong and keep trusting God in all things

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  40. I know how that longing feels, girl! I relate to so much from what you wrote about in this post. If I had to offer any advice based on my own experience, it is to continue to stay focused on God and becoming the woman he has created you to be (like you are already doing) I was in the same boat a few years ago, and I rushed things. I would not have changed it for the world- because -I now have my two beautiful children. But, I also have a broken, ending marriage. It is very important to be healed by Christ and be fully developed in Him, before pursuing a relationship that will lead to marriage. But, it sounds like that you are on the right track . Abrazos and prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Alicia Mary! Thanks so much for this kind reflection! I’m so glad it resonated with you. And what beautiful advice. Yes. Gotta focus on Him rather than (lower case) him 🙂 and thanks for sharing your story. God is good:) hugs xoxoxo

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  42. You seem strong to me. The honesty in this blog is definitely part of it. But I also like your freedom to feel. Power to ya. [PS. I noticed you’ve read and liked parts of my blog — thank you ☺. I pray both deep satisfaction and thrilling love over your life, each in their right timing, in the powerful name of Christ.]
    — David

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  43. This was beautiful and I can totally relate. And I am going to you a story. I longed for the right man for me and I found him and I love him and I married him. But it is as you say, no man can give you what Jesus can, so even after I was married, I actually still had a longing in my heart and I realized it was because I had not developed my relationship with the King of Kings. So I started going to daily Mass and adoration and soon I discovered something I thought I would never know, my Divine Spouse. I used to think it was weird when Saints used this term, but I don’t anymore, because what I encountered was Love Himself and that longing I had was filled. So for you to already know that before your married is wonderful. My prayer for you will be that God brings you a wonderful earthly spouse and that you continue to know your Divine Spouse. God Bless.

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  44. You are wise and those are the insights some older people don’t get! You are deeply beautiful. See it in yourself…peace

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  45. As soon as I saw this my stomach did a flop! Seriously I know God speaks to us through you surely it shouldn’t be much of a surprise still as God is doing it so much in you and your blogs, I know not all of it is directly for me, but it is always for at least one of your readers, im sure you can testify that based on comments you receive. I was speaking about this yesterday to a friend because it was making me sad, still does, but I do know Im meant to be focusing on my relationship with Jesus and the Father because you are right its the only thing that will fill that void within us! earthly things may satisfy for a small period but nothing would match that. been feeling quite down about different things the past few days, even today when with some of my church family there were groups of conversation and I was just standing there like i was looking in a window or something, i know its not going to be a quick fix with having the ability to build confidence and relationship with others, dont get me wrong i have come so far already and its only god that has helped me with that but there is still a long way to go but Im just wishing it happens quickly when i should trust god more with it, Im a bit hopeless when it comes to human relationships, anyway sending lots of love, hugs and butternut squash ice cream xx
    Benjamin

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    1. Hey Benjamin. Thank you for sharing your heart. You’re right relationships are tough and confusing and it’s so easy to feel discouraged but you hit the nail on the head. God will take care of you. So glad this resonated with you so deeply. Big hugs friend xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I was upset earlier, I still am upset, been rather down and frustrated for the past few days with different things and people. today I felt God reminding me that it’s only been 18 months since I first came to the church I’m at now, my human relationships are formed by the confidence I have both inside me and being out in the world, just because I’m not doing as well as I hoped or thought I was, doesnt mean im not doing well because God has been working in me since day one and I and other people have noticed the change in me, also my I use one of your motivational pictures in one of my next blogs 😀 xx. plus you hadnt got back to me about featuring you in a blog ❤ please let me know xx

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      2. That’s so true. He has always been working for you behind the scene and loving you 🙂 I think you’re doing amazing and God is working in and through you:) yes! Absolutely! I would be honored 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  48. There is a relatively obscure scripture that packs a wallop in terms of its implications for our lives. “But godliness with contentment is great gain.” (1 Timothy 6:6 NIV) I believe that contentment is one of the greatest attributes we can possess but one of the most difficult to acquire. However, if we don’t allow the Lord to develop a sense of contentment in Him (and gratitude) in us we will live our lives making “idols” out of anything that we believe will make us happy. I am finding Jesus admonition to busy Martha to be so very profound, “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41-42 ESV). I am blessed and encouraged by your willingness to learn contentment at a young age. I know old people who never learn this lesson let alone young people in the prime of life! It is a hard lesson to learn but the peace and freedom that result from it when we arrive is huge!! Thanks for being an example to everyone of your willingness to allow the Lord to shape and mold your life for His purpose. Keep going…He is worth it! And when the time is right, I believe He has a wonderful gift for you that will truly satisfy because your heart will be fully prepared to receive it. Blessings young warrior :0)

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  50. You have come to a realization that many people take their whole lives to come to: NOONE except God can complete you. I’m happily married and still struggle with wanting my husband to be my main emotional, spiritual, and physical support. The truth is, he can’t be, even when he really tries to be. And I can’t be that for him all the time either. Fulfillment in Jesus is the only way to be truly fulfilled in relationships. And just so you know, putting on a song that gives you the feels and letting yourself cry it out for a bit is so totally normal and very therapeutic. I do it too! Love and hugs!

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