Sitting here in my childhood bedroom, it’s pretty difficult not to reminisce.
I mean, it’s strewn with photos from my brace-faced awkward middle school phase where clearly I thought baby pink, glittery eyeshadow was a good idea.

I’ve dug around some drawers and unearthed some old IM conversation threads with crushes from sixth grade. — Is that awkward that I still have those? I mean…that’s not creepy…
There’s something about the tangibleness of it all that just really brings me back to those times
One of the “memory exercises” I’ve been doing to help my mom, is that we’ve been looking at old photo albums. And I mean…wow.
Let’s just say, the 90’s were somethin’ else. I look at some of the crazy things we were wearing, and I’m torn between cringing, and secretly coveting those neon nylon glory days.
But flipping through the big, bulky albums with yellowing pages and fading 5 X 7’s, I actually was getting a little weepy.
Seeing these pictures of myself as a little tyke, I suddenly remembered just how good life was as a child.

Having gone through a pretty desolate period in my adolescence – my battle with anorexia – it does things to your memories. It taints them. Makes you not want to remember anything. It sort of, creates this black hole in your history. And even now, as a healthy and thriving young woman, I just don’t like to look back, period. In an act of self preservation, I tend just to avoid my personal history all together. Including the time before my disease, too.
It’s like, I just don’t want to turn my eyes to the past, because I’ll inevitably have to think about “The Dark Ages.”
But something happened last night. Sitting and seeing 5 year old me, 7 year old me….I wanted to remember. I was looking at those photos and getting all verklempt, because I had a good childhood.
I really did.

I think if I’m being really honest with myself, I think it was another little self-sabotage to not allow myself to remember the good parts of my past, by getting so hung up on that one period of time. Granted, it was a horrific and utterly destructive time period, but what I’m coming to realize — is that I can choose to reclaim my past.
I can choose to look back in despair and regret, or I can choose to remember the good.
I can choose to say, You know what? Yes, I did have a pretty shitty chunk of time where I was hurtful to myself and my loved ones, but that’s not my whole history.
Sure, I was the girl that battled a severe case of anorexia, but I was also the child who, at 5 years old, loved to go up to the old ladies at McDonald’s and sing to them. I was the girl who came alive on stage and had a passion for the arts. I was the goofy kid who loved making comedy movies with friends and dressing up and talking in accents.

My history is full of a lot of joy. My history involves a lot more than just an eating disorder.
And I’ll be damned if I let that part of my past rob me of those joyous memories by wracking me with guilt and shame and an unwillingness to look back for fear of remembering the dark.
No sir.

And honestly, how selfish of me to arrogantly turn my back on the beautiful childhood I had, because of that one blip on the radar. (Well, okay maybe not a blip…more like…a storm front with tornadac activity).
But it is such a powerful perspective…right now, my mom…what she wouldn’t give to be able to remember those precious moments that I’m so insolently choosing to avoid because “it hurts to look back.”
Boo-frickin-hoo, princess.

It’s time to take back those memories. Allow myself to see the good. The joy. The laughter. The precious moments that shaped who I am and were shared with people I love.
Because at the end of the day, life is messy. And if I’ve learned anything in my time around the sun, it’s that everybody has shit. (Excuse my french.) Evvvvverybody has things in their past (or present) that they’re not proud of. That they’re working on. That hurts to remember. Everybody.

So, I’m going to treasure this time, looking back at the golden years. And celebrating those memories. When life was simple and Donald Trump hadn’t yet discovered self tanner.
But really, that is a victory. And the Good Lord knows, I’m in need of one of those lately…no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.
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We’re not those people anymore…even if we were our best efforts, time is change. Feeling ones growth in real time is enlightening 😍
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You’re right, we are new! Thanks for the encouraging words 🙂 Hugs and love xox
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I can’t say my life was picture perfect, but I’ve never faced your challenges, either. I sometimes look back at all of the good pieces of my history and wish I could stitch them together to form my life.
Problem is, my life wasn’t always good and it wasn’t always bad. But I want to remember only the good and to pretend there’s such a thing as “the good old days.”
My son David is divorced and his two children have struggled because of it. More amazingly, he fell right into another relationship with someone I consider “Wife 2.0”. She’s no different, but he thinks she’s his world. He’s planning on proposing to her in a few days.
I can’t soften the blow of what I think is about to happen to my grandchildren, but hopefully, I’ll become part of those memories they’ll always want to remember, even though there are times ahead they probably won’t.
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Hey James, thanks for this thoughtful reflection. I’m glad this struck a chord with you. Yeah, I definitely hear you, wanting there to be the Good Old days…seems like what i talk about with my old friends. Oh wow, how exciting for your son! good luck to him in that new chapter. Yeah, it sounds like they’re really going to treasure the steady place their grandpa has in their lives 🙂 thanks for the encouragement. big hugs xox
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I needed this today. I’m here, just like you, looking back at good memories and it is almost painful because I know what happens next and my little self had no idea. I feel like it is wrong to enjoy the good ones because every event leaks into the next. Hopefully I can reclaim them, as you are.
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Hey Rebecca, thanks so much for this thoughtful reflection. i’m glad it resonated with you. Yeah, I can definitely relate to that next feeling. But yes, let’s reclaim those memories, because we are worth the joy 🙂 hugs to you xox
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*hugs* I’ve got you and your mom on my prayer list. ❤
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Oh gosh thank you again. I am beyond grateful 🙂 ❤❤❤
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Is it odd that I’ve still got my Christmas tree up? Brings back good memories. Part of letting God in. And hey, single guy, solely owned apartment, so who cares?
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Hey Brandon! haha no not at all! if it were up to me it’d be christmas all year round! i’m all for twinkle lights 🙂 haha hugs xox
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I have difficulty remembering my past for similar reasons I blocked stuff out and never looked back! Now I feel sad when my sisters reminisce about things we did that I can’t remember, my dads in a wheelchair and I can’t remember a time when he could walk but my sisters remember him taking us to the park or running around in the garden, I wish I could! I just thought it was better to always look forward not back but sometimes it’s good to remember what made you what you are today, your past, good or bad!
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Hey Angela, thanks so much for your thoughtful reflection. Oh gosh, what precious time together. Yeah, what we went through has shaped who we are 🙂 thanks for stopping by, hugs to you xo
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Awesome!!
You know something that struck me too? That part of our lives is the most comparable to what Father wants for our new life in Christ – re-growing, redeveloping as a child, sitting on his lap, where there simply is no debate about whether we should or shouldn’t let him take care of us–where there’s no one saying ‘just let God take care of everything for you’ because a child doesn’t know anything but. Life has a way of bringing trial after trial to make us forget what being a child was like, or to teach us that being a child is the last thing you want to be. But no… Re-born. Re-developed (and re-developing into the identity he wrote for you on that white stone, finally back in the proper context of being rooted and grounded in Christ-in-you-the-hope-of-glory…mmmm…. childhood
wasis so delightful. Hurray for Jesus! 😀LikeLiked by 3 people
Hey Carson! you’re so right — regrowing as a new creation. that’s such a powerful perspective. I love reading your comments because I always end up learning so much and seeing things in a totally new and awesome way 🙂 Amen – Let God hand everything. That is definitely the best way to live our lives. I have been filled with so much comfort reading this tonight, thank you my friend. Hooray for Jesus indeed. Big hugs xox
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I’ve given up ‘pshaw’-ing your thank-yous–I don’t have enough pshaws. ;D So you’re welcome and of course I’m always happy when Father talks (:
So reclaim that childhood, and claim your new childhood, too, both are so important and so defining to your identity, I could see that all over this post how deeply ingrained your childhood is in who you are now–regardless of whether you remember and cherish it or not, there’s no ‘she’ and ‘me’, there’s only you (:
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hahah, i feel the same!! that’s so great — yes, only you…i like that. 🙂 yeah, my parents provided such an incredible home. and still do. lots to be thankful for. God is truly good. hope you’re having a great night xox
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Having a lovely night (: But I’ll let you get back to your myriads of other commentors ;D Have a lovely week!
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Great observation. I can also reminisce now about the dark times and not feel guilty or vulnerable or threatened. I once again enjoy our ’60s music and the exciting culture sans the booze and dope. We had some awesome times.
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Thanks Larry. That’s so awesome — yeah great music for sure. yeah i am definitely going to try to free myself from that guilt! easier said than done! hah hugs to you xox
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Yes’m, everybody has a closet, and everybody has a skeleton or two in that closet! I pray that God continues to bless you richly and draw you ever nearer to Himself ❤
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Thanks so much for this thoughtful reflection! You’re right, every single person does. And thank you for the prayers. it means the world 🙂 hope your week is off to a great start! hugs xo
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:~) Xoxo
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❤❤❤
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One of the AA promises states, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” During the 25 years I drank, I became a father to 2 wonderful sons. Things could have been better had I been sober, but that wasn’t how life turned out. Today matters. Who you are and what you give to the world matters.
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Thank you so much for sharing this, David. You’re right. Today matters. And yes, we all have something to give. no matter our past. we can give today. what a powerful quote. that’s going to stick with me. thanks again xx hugs xox
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I am struck with the poignancy of helping your mom remember. But what grace that it is healing for you.
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Thank you so much, Elizabeth. What a kind note of encouragement. It really is such a blessing to be able to be here for her, because it’s true…it is healing for me. She has been my rock, and I am grateful to have this opportunity to “pay her back”…even though she would never ask for being paid back, you know? But God is good. all the time. big hugs xox
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I am old enough to be your mom, and I know I would never expect anything back from my daughters except their presence. You are giving her what I expect she most desires.
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Aw thank you again. Oh yes. She has always been my rock and always will be 🙂 ❤❤❤❤❤
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French excused. 😉 This is such a beautiful post! You sound like you were the cutest little bundle of sunshine 🙂 I’ll have to think more about what you said. About not looking back because it hurts and how much we could be missing out on. It’s kind of crazy that you had this epiphany while helping your mum with her memories! Best of luck to you and your family sweetie 🙂 you guys are in my thoughts.
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haha thanks…yeah when i get a little passionate, sometimes things tend to slip! eek! Thank you for your kind words. haha I was a bundle of something, that’s for sure…maybe crazy energy!! haha jk jk Yeah, i am being so blessed through this whole process. I know I am technically “helping” her, but gosh, I am being showered with so much healing in the process. I keep tell my mom that she’s giving ME a gift in this whole process. Thanks again for your support and friendship. you are amazing 🙂
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It really does sound like you’re healing too and that’s amazing. You go girl! 🙂 Anytime.
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❤😘❤😘❤😘❤😘❤
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Nailed it!
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Thanks so much Jeff! I appreciate it! hope you’re having a great night! hugs xox
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I wish you could hear how I said it, with accent and expression, you really did, I initially had formulated a response, based upon my own experience, you covered them exquisitely, so that was what I was left with.I am and thank you ❤
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Haha yeah I wish there was a way to communicate vocal inflections online too! I try to do that with gifs haha by seriously for your kind reflection. Means a lot:)
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love it!!! i always love your posts. but this one means a lot for me and my family as well.
and how a life changing occurrence with a loved one can really bring perspective and gratitude.
and yes we have painful moments that are part of how we got to where we are today- but those childhood memories are what bring us to the root of what is inside us: that never goes away. we are those little kids.
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Thank you so much 🙂 oh, that’s so kind of you to say! I’m glad this hit home with you. You’re right, i am filled with so much gratitude, watching her heal and being able to be here during the process. you’re right — we are those little kids. what a powerful thought. big hugs xox
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I also meant to add that I am praying for your mom and family during this time ❤❤ sending love
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Oh gosh thank you. That means the world ❤❤❤
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My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your Mom. I went through something similar with my own Mom last year. Thankfully she’s OK now, but when we were all going through it, I had a lot of the same emotions as you. Your article was inspiring, thank you for sharing. We all have Sh*&%
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Thank you so much for your prayers, Casey. It means the world. I’m sorry you can personally relate. I’m glad she’s doing well. 🙂 Hugs and love xox
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Simply beautiful.
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Thank you so much. Much love to you xox
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☺
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❤😘❤😘❤😘❤
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I can relate very much to this 🖤
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Oh I’m so glad it hit home with you. thanks for stopping by! big hugs to you xox
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Amazingly inspirational post xx
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Thank you so much! Aw, that’s so kind of you to say. so glad you stopped by! hugs xox
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Have followed your other social media too x
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oh awesome!!!! thanks again! xox
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This is a beautiful perspective and a lovely one to learn.
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thank you so much Tiffany, what a kind thing to say. glad you enjoyed it. big hugs to you xo
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You’re welcome! Big hugs back!
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❤❤❤
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Ahhh, you’re such a cute kid. Congratulations on reclaiming some of those good memories.
“I thought baby pink, glittery eyeshadow was a good idea.”
Wait…you mean it isn’t? How come nobody told me? 🙂
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aw, thank you so much 🙂 yeah, i am celebrating those memories tonight! hahahah oh gosh — i know, love that eyeshadow 🙂 hahaha hugs xox
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I’m glad you have this opportunity to redeem this part of your story. God never wastess anything-not the good, not the bad, not the parts we are proud of nor the ones we would rather hide. He is able to make it all into something beautiful. What a gift to yourself and your mama. I pray she continues to improve. I’m sure your presence is a great help.
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Thank you so much Melanie! you’re so right, God uses every little thing – good and bad. Beautiful indeed. such a powerful thought. thanks again for your prayers. it means the world. hugs xox
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Good word, important to remember the goodness of God in our youth.
“When Donald Trump hadn’t yet discovered self tanner.”
😆😆 great line! Cracked me up!
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thank you so much, Rob. hahah oh good! glad it gave you a chuckle! 🙂 hehe thanks for the encouraging words xox
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You are writing a beautiful story, and every day is a new page. Let’s keep turning those pages, sister!
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Oh Cat, thank you so much. What a kind thing to say. Yes, everyday is a new page. That’s a comforting image 🙂 Hugs and love xox
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My comments are at Patreon. I’m just glad things continue to go well.
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Thanks Jeffrey:) looking forward to reading your words 🙂 you rock my friend xox
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I just ask myself, “What would Caralyn do?” 🙂
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Haha oh gosh thats a scary thought!! 😂😂😂 hahha you’re kind, Jeff 🙂
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A beautiful post that made me think about my childhood. Thank you for causing me to do some much-needed soul-searching.
And thank you again for Liking the chapters of the story I’m working on: I’m glad you’re enjoying it.
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Thank you so much Timothy, I’m so glad this this promoted some introspection! And youre so welcome! Big hugs to you xox
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You’re welcome!
Thank you for all the good work you do.
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❤❤❤❤❤😊
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This is really good. Thank you for sharing this. Your looking at pictures from your childhood and reminiscing about how good it was made me think about God’s redemption, in that we can go through some really ugly messes and at our lowest points we wonder if we’ll ever be whole again and have the joy we once had. I’ve been there. This post just reminded me that God restores us, makes us new, and we don’t have to dwell on all the crap we’ve gone through, because that isn’t who we are. So again, thank you.
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Thank you so much for this thoughtful response! You’re right- God really does restore us. And makes us new. What a beautiful truth that is. I’m so glad this hit home with you. Big hugs xox
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By the way, I love your expression in the picture of you holding the Furby. Too funny!
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Hahah thanks again. Yeah Let’s just say I laughed like crazy when I found that little gem! Hahaha glad you liked it too 🙂 😎😎😎😎
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This hits home in ways I had never imagined it could. Although I never struggled with an eating disorder, I was, at dark times in my life, drawn to the communities that had been built around them. Not until recently did I realize how much of that time in my life was hidden from my immediate, conscious memory. Only now, have I discovered that I was in a much darker place in my adolescence than I was ever willing to admit, and that my refusal to acknowledge it played a big part in the detached and lonely woman I would become. My family has often relied on me for my memory, and as my parents get older, I fear the day in which my memories of that time are all that’s there, because they are so skewed by the battle I was fighting. I applaud your courage in facing these truths and your past so that you can help your mother remember. You’re a beacon for those who’ve hidden their pasts from light. ❤
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. My heart is just going out to you and I am sending you the biggest hugs because I have been there too. Yeah, acknowledging the pain takes a lot of courage, and I’m cheering for you as well, for taking that difficult look back. Because for a long long time I didn’t even do that! I just refused to even think about or acknowledge it. So rock on sister:) know that I am in your corner. Always 🙂 thanks again for your encouragement. Hugs and love xox
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I’m so glad that God is allowing you to see the beauty before the storm! Cherish those memories and how you felt ! Happy and secure! Blessings xo
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Thanks Soph, yes! The beauty before the storm– I like that:) yes… lots of memories I’m smiling about these days. 🙂 hope your week is off to a beautiful start! Hugs and love xox
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Keeping your mom in my prayers! Say one for me too! Currently battling bronchitis 👎🏾
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Thanks again. Oh no! I’m sorry you’re sick! I’ll definitely say a prayer for you! Hugs and love xox
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I am reminded of this song:
Tell Me Sister
Tell me sister,
How long you been holding it in?
Oh, what’s the price of sin?
Confess it sister, start again,
Begin,
A new true you,
A new, new, you.
Jesus came and it’s true,
He came to make all things new!
Tell me sister,
How long you been holding it in?
Oh, what’s the price of sin?
Confess it sister, start again,
Begin,
A new true you,
A new, new you.
Born again.
Born again in Jesus,
Who died for you.
He is the way, the light and the true.
He is the one who paid the price for you,
Died for you,
so you could be new, new new
and
free…
And
New, new, new…
Sister He paid the price for you
so you go be
new
and
free
and
New, new, new….
____________________________________
You have become a new creation in Christ. The old is still there, the good and the bad. The old body still haunts your present you but the new you is changing daily as you grow spiritually and put off the old.
I think you have grown through looking at your childhood photos. “In that day the wolf and the lamb will live together; the leopard will lie down with the baby goat. The calf and the yearling will be safe with the lion, and a little child will lead them all.” Isiah 11:6 The little child you were, has lead the adult who you are to a better place. The wolf and leopard (eating disorders) will lie with the lamb and the baby goat (the new, reborn you) because they will be at peace with each other.
The past is the past. It is what it is. You cannot change it. I am glad that you are making your peace with it. Remember the good and the bad; but, instead of looking back so much, spend more time looking ahead to where you are going. Don’t spend too much time looking back at the bitter past as you are not going back there. But, do not forget your bitter past, as those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it; however, as I said, spend more time looking ahead at a future filled with the Holy Spirit rather than back at the devil. Do remember the charming little girl that you were (Furby, braces, pink eyeliner and all) and the joy that little girl brought her mother. Do be happy that you have grown into a beautiful child of God and sister of Jesus.
Yes, we all have darkness in our past, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). All of us need to learn from your story for it is a story of redemption. You have been reclaimed by the power of the Holy Spirit. Your freedom paid for by the infinite love of Jesus Christ. I thank God for His Grace and Mercy that he has poured out on you (and us all).
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Oh my gosh this is so beautiful. Thank you so much for this heart felt note of support and encouragement. I am seriously so touched. You’re right, I needn’t forget the past but learn from it and more forward. Thanks again for this powerful perspective. Amen – God’s mercy reigns. Hugs and love xox
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Very profound . . . I feel like I’ve done the same thing in various ways too.
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Thanks Kelly. I’m glad this resonated with you! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox
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This is so beautiful, and definitely made me smile 🙂 It’s wonderful to remember those fun, goofy childhood memories… in a loving way. Glad that now you want to see those pictures, and want to remember the beautiful little girl you were. xx
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Oh thanks, Jenny. Yeah, that was definitely a moment to celebrate yesterday. I really appreciate your encouraging words. Hope your week is off to a great start xox
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It is, thank you! Hope you have a great week ahead 🙂
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❤😘❤😘❤😘❤
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This post help me so much. Thank you. Thank you so much
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Oh good, I’m so glad it hit home with you:) so glad. 🙂 big hugs to you friend xox
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“I was also the child who, at 5 years old, loved to go up to the old ladies at McDonald’s and sing to them.” Awww. So cute! And (at the risk of sounding creepy) I really like that first picture. You have such a sparkle in that one. 😀 (Sorry if that sounds creepy 😦 So not my intent.)
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Haha aww that’s so sweet! Thank you! And not creepy at all 🙂 haha thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox
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Hugs and love right back at ya! 😀
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❤😘❤😘❤😘
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😀 😀 😀 😀
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Thank you for sharing. I thought I was the only one who had a foggy memory of my childhood, even the good times are hard for me to recall. Interesting the way our minds work.
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Thanks Tricomia. I’m glad this resonated with you:) so glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox
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Good for you. I like this. 🙂
My room at my parents’ house isn’t like that at all. There aren’t many pictures of me in general. But I get what you’re saying.
What brings back the strongest memories for me is music from certain time periods. Particularly college (1994-99). Whenever I drive around the area I lived at the time (which is about 30 miles from where I live now, I have friends who live in that general direction and I go back for football and basketball games a few times a year) I always listen to music from that time period. I kind of have the opposite thought process from you, though… I tend to remember the good things about those years more strongly than all the difficulties I was having. I think it’s because life just felt simpler back then… if I knew then what I know now, I would have turned out very different, but what I know now doesn’t really help me navigate life now.
But I can apply what you’re saying to my life now. There’s a lot of good left in my life now, and I am more than my failures and faults.
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Thank you so much for sharing this. You’re right, we are more than our failures and faults! Oh music…gosh, isn’t it crazy how music can move you and bring you back places!? I definitely can relate. Especially songs that I sang in shows I was in. Wow – right back to that time! Hope your week is off to a great start. Hugs and love xox
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I was off today, and I went for a 25 mile bike ride, so that’s a good start 🙂
A while back, some of those memories from that time period I turned into a very unpolished as of yet draft of a short novel, very much based on real experiences. There were lots of music references in it. It alternates between flashbacks to the 90s, about an awkward college student and his pen pal, and the same guy today trying to track her down, and dealing with some issues in life that parallel some of the memories involving his pen pal. I told someone that, for me, this story is both my love letter to the town where I lived in the 90s and my resigned acceptance that those days are over. Hopefully someday I’ll work on it again and clean it up a bit.
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Oh wow! 25 miles that’s amazing! And that’s incredible that you wrote a novel! Sounds like a pretty powerful story. I hope you get it out there! I would love to read it!
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Do you want to read the draft so far?
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I’d be honored!
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As would I 🙂 I’ll send a link to the Yahoo mail address in your description.
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Great thx 🙂
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Wow Princess, wow wow wow. Could I not just say speechless and leave it at this? And now girl, tell me who is having the last and best laugh: You Caralynn or that ED? Jesus or Lucifer? I mean and for real, wow wow wow Amen
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Aw Marie, thank you so much:) you are so kind. Haha yes– I would say that *Jesus* had the last laugh! Wooo! 🙌 in all seriousness though, He really does deliver us. Hope you’re having a great week so far. Hugs and love xox
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He laughs all the time, but the best laugh is when we get Him laughing because we realize He’s been having our back all the time and then oh my we join laughing with Him… Ain’t that glorious that as someone said you are going through all this healing down memory lane while actually helping mum regain her memory?
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So true!! 🙌God is good!
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This whole post made me verklempt! But it was so inspiring and it was exactly what I needed to hear (read?). Focussing on the good memories, and also, everyone having scars and a past. Both were much needed. Glad to see you’re still writing while at home 😀 Praying for you and your family, that your mom recovers, that you all come closer together than before and that Christ restores what has been broken and lost! Much love from South Africa 🙂
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Haha aw thank you Tom! I’m glad it hit home with you 🙂 you’re right – both he good and the scars were important and needed to shape us into who we are! Oh yes, my creative juices are flowing here! Hehe Hugs and love xox
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How true! We all edit our pasts without realising it. Our versions of our childhoods becomes a product of all that has happened since. A thought provoking post! x x
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Thanks so much! You’re right- we remember what we choose, and that’s definitely influenced by today. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox
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beautiful post
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Thank you so much! Glad you liked it:) happy Tuesday! 🙂 Hugs and love xox
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Carolyn, a part of me envies you.
I’ve told you before my brother died when I was a kid. That was 1985. He was a month from his 10th birthday and I was 6 weeks from my 13th. The pain that loss caused me was beyond words, and the “help” I got was so misdirected it actually increased the level of trauma for me.
What eventually happened about 6 years ago was I finally found a psychiatrist who knew what he was talking about. Granted I now live in a different hemisphere – at least for the next few weeks since I’m moving back to England in March – but Piet managed to recognise PTSD and ADD in me and begin to help me piece my childhood back together. 25 years after the fact.
Losing Robin made me shut down. I couldn’t deal with the memories, so I blocked them out – everything before he died. It left me with a 12 year gap in my head. I had the pain of the loss – and for much of my teen years in the 80s (dear Lord that makes me feel OLD!) that pain was all that kept me going. I became a loner and by the time I left school in 1990 I essentially had no real friends that cared about me – or so I thought. Facebook has since told me that there were people who actually cared enough that they went looking for me. It’s helped with the healing process.
I admire the way you express yourself, and the courage you have to do so in such a very public way! I’ve struggled to get my head around things in the privacy of my shrink’s office, yet you have this awesome expression here.
It’s taken a lot of therapy for me to recover some of the memories from pre-accident days. Initially I never knew if it was memory or if I’d just heard – specifically my mum – tell certain stories so many times it felt like a memory. But eventually I’ve started to regain stuff I know have to be memories because only Robin and I were there. One of my favourites was just 2 weeks before he died I had gone out on my bicycle to go to Burghley Park in Stamford, where I lived. I got half way there, turned round and he’d followed me. I gave him my reflective vest to wear and we went together – something our parents would have grounded us for life if they’d known about at the time. We rode through the park and saw the Red Deer they kept there. Two young stags were fighting and we watched in awe together as they charged and locked antlers, wrestling for dominance. It’s one of those moments I can hold onto now as a moment I was truly alive, and having Robin there with me makes it very special.
Reclaiming the past is such a crucial part of healing. Photos, revisiting old places, finding smells and sounds – especially smells – to bring the memories back is a way to claim it and apply a balm to an open wound in your heart.
Jesus said in Luke 4 that He had come to bind up the broken-hearted. He did that everywhere from raising the widow’s son in Nain, the Pharisee’s daughter, the centurion’s servant and of course Lazarus, to touching a leper, freeing the woman caught in adultery, offering acceptance to the Samaritan woman at the well and so many more it’s too much to list.
But the most vital thing about Jesus binding up the broken-hearted that somehow seems to get lost today is that He still does it today! At least, He does if we let Him.
When He went to His home town, the people’s lack of faith prevented Him doing any mighty works there except a few healings according to the Gospels. It had nothing to do with His faith or who He was. They wouldn’t let Him because they thought they knew Him and they didn’t believe He could help. I know of a church – a denomination actually – in South Africa where one modern song that contained the line “here with the power to heal now” was banned by the bishop because “it might make people think God still heals today – and we wouldn’t want to tell them that”. (Needless to say, I decided that wasn’t the right church for me!)
The person who earnestly expects God to answer their prayers in true faith, and the person who expects nothing both end up getting what they expect. The first physical healing I received was a badly injured ankle. I was in the choir in Buckfastleigh, a small town in Devon, and the only bass (although I’m actually a baritone) in the choir and we had a small anthem that morning I was determined not to let them down by missing. So I had a walking stick, couldn’t get a shoe on because of the swelling so went barefoot but my robes were long enough that it wasn’t noticeable, and went to church. After the anthem was communion. I struggled to the altar and the vicar gave me my wafer, then to my surprise placed his hand on my head. Unusual, but he was a little odd (in a good way) so I didn’t think anything of it until I got back to my seat. Will, the choir master, was sitting next to me and he leaned in to me and said “David, you forgot your stick at the altar”. I looked down and quickly retrieved the stick. I looked at my ankle and the discolouration was there – every colour of the rainbow – but the swelling had gone completely and I had absolutely no pain! After the communion had ended the vicar took his seat next to Will and I leaned past him as the final hymn was about to start and told him what had happened. He stopped the organist and had me stand up in front of the congregation and tell them what had just happened. I ran up and down the centre aisle and showed everyone the discolouration to whoops and cheers from many in the congregation and very black stares from others – some of whom never set foot in the church again.
Since then I try to expect God to heal me and I encourage everyone I meet to believe He a) wants to and b) can and will!
Emotionally and physically we can believe and expect to receive full healing from God. The only thing that limits us is our expectations.
I’m so happy that your healing is working through. God uses every situation we find ourselves in to bring hope to us, and Glory to His name.
As always, I will keep you in my prayers and I remember your mum’s healing in them too!
Many, many Blessings and much Joy to you my friend!
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Thanks David, for sharing this. Oh gosh my heart just goes out to you and I’m sending you the biggest hugs. Loss is so hard to deal with. How comforting that Jesus does come to mend the broken hearted. And amen He definitely does it today. Thank you again for your prayers. It means the world. Grateful for you xox
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This was so uplifting to read. Praise God for never having a deadline for healing. When the healing happens…oh the things it can release!
-JV
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Young you is so pretty and has the most amazing smile ever..
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Hahah oh you, Osham, thank you so much. That’s a really kind thing for you to say:) thanks 🙂 Hugs and love xox
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The past cannot be neglected. We need to have a glimpse of the past, and allow it to be our teacher!
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Thank you Peter. You’re right! It is the best teacher ever! Hugs and love xox
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I want to reiterate that your past does not define who you are. I quote….( Jean Pierre de Caussade) “There is not a moment in which God does not present Himself under the cover of some pain to be endured, of some consolation to be enjoyed, or some duty to be performed. All that takes place within us, around us or through us, contains and conceals His divine action. God speaks to all individuals through what happens to them moment by moment.. God bless ,3
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Amen to that – it does NOT define us. Thanks so much for sharing that powerful quote. I really appreciate it. Hugs and love xox
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Thats a real breakthrough Caralyn and another giant step in your healing – I suspect that deep down you are in so many ways still the positive, happy and mischievous 5 year old you decribe (not sure if its still a good idea to sing to the old ladies in McDonalds although I am sure they would appreciate it!)
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Aw thank you so much 🙂 haha yeah I guess good old ” Mickey D’s” were a real happening place back in the 99’s! Haha aw thanks. Yeah I think more than I’d like to admit 🙂 Hahahaha oh gosh you’re funny. Hugs and love xox
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Oh Caralyn, this is absolutely awesome!!!! Awe-inspiring!!! An Aha! moment for me, too!! So, yeah, not only for you my dear friend. 🙂
Why do we emphasize on the less-good? Maybe it’s that humility thing… I was taught as a child to be humble. Or, it could be my Catholic [guilt]. I will feel guilty to feel good and fortunate when there are so many less fortunate than me. But you’re right; we seem to focus on our unpleasant life and I don’t think it’s because of a “victim” mentality. I was taugh not to boast. I mustn’t give reasons for people to be jealous of me because then they might not be nice to me anymore since they won’t feel sorry/bad for me. Misery loves company, right? Oh, and forgive my stereotyping but Filipinos tend to have that little crab mentality. Sigh! Success doesn’t have to be but sometimes it can’t be helped that it’s lonely at the top. I don’t know… Also, I seem to think that we grow more from misfortune, pain, misery, failure, etc..
I’m with you thought.. for sure! No more of that. This year, we must let the good shine. We must talk about the pleasant moments. We must write about the good life. I don’t mean forget the awful past. I don’t mean pretend nothing terrible or bad is happening. We acknowledge everything in our life and around us and we move on (quickly from the not-nice especially :)). Then, we focus on the good. I am definitely going to try this. 🙂 Thank you so much!!!
I hope your mom is getting better each day. And do enjoy your time off from NYC. You’ll love it more when you get back after the absence. 🙂
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Thank you so much, Anne, for this thoughtful response. So much truth here. You’re right, we learn so much from our short comings and pain. And amen to that! Let’s let the good shine!! Thanks again for your kind words for my mom. Yes, I think you’re right. Treasuring this season of life and taking each day as it comes. The rat race in NYC will always be there… 🙂 hugs to you…I’m very grateful for you, friend 🙂 xox
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Much love to you and warm hugs 💖😘🤗 It’s good night from me in South Africa. Wishing you a blessed week with family.
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Oh good!! 😘❤😘
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Sounds like “home” was just what you needed. Hope you mom is getting better.
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Thank you so much Lisa. I think you’re right…Homes always does my heart and soul good. Thanks for your kind words. Hugs and love xox
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I love your writing style!! Inspiring!
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Aw thank you so much! That’s so kind of you to say:) big hugs xox
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Thank you for sharing your story so beautifully and honestly and thanks for liking my posts 💛
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You’re so welcome! Thank you for your encouragement and support! Hugs and love xox
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So very true! Thanks for the reminder. And I hope your mother is doing better. My mom had a stroke as well when I was still relatively young, and it is hard and overwhelming at times. Hang in there. You are doing great.
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Thanks Kathy! I really appreciate that. Oh I’m sorry to hear that about your mom. Sending big hugs:) thanks again xox
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I also keep those notes from waaay back in the day! Was home recently and coincidentally, I’d gone looking for my childhood photos. I wanted to remember who I used to be back then and compare with the woman I’ve become now…
Beautiful piece
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Oh good I’m glad I’m not the only one! Haha thanks for this encouragement. Hugs and love xox
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Lol, I’m probably worse than you!
You’re welcome and thanks for the support as well; those likes are usually treasured.
Hugs right back!
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Hahaha 😂😘😂❤😂❤
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