Tipsy Typing

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m writing this post after two vodka/sodas.

And if you know anything about me, then you know…I am properly pissed.

#LightweightForLife

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I actually have never written a tipsy blog post before. Believe it or not, even the Feminism post was written stone cold sober.

Stone Cold Steve Austin…I wonder what that dude is up to now…

*Googles*…


Welp, apparently he’s doing a reality TV show now, called Redneck Island and just bought a mini mansion in Marina Del Ray. Shocker there…

Anyway. Enough about wrestling.

I just want to get married before I get smile lines.

I heard my three year old niece talk about her future husband today….that made me feel pretty…oh, I don’t know…like a spinster cat lady.

I looked at her and said, “Yeah, Aunt Caralyn needs to find a husband too.”

It’s kind of the running joke in my family, actually. My sister-in-law is trying to set me up with her neighbor. I’m not complaining.

And I have a small contingent of friends who seriously, and I mean, legitimately want me to be a contestant on The Bachelor.

But I had a really special conversation the other day with one of my mom’s friends. It was at one of her “friend meet ups” that she’s been doing as part of her stroke recovery.

The conversation got going, and it turned to me, and how I’m still shockingly single.

And the woman looked at me and said, “You deserve to be loved.”

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It was actually a really moving conversation. This woman, I see her every weekend at church, and she’s this beautiful, effervescent woman, and she was telling me how she struggles with the same harmful feelings I do: she struggles with feeling worthy of love.

I felt like I was sitting there listening to myself speak, except 30 years older.

Same apprehensions. Same self-doubt. It was all too familiar.

I don’t know about you, but I have a very masochistic tendency, and I hate to admit it, but then, what haven’t I kept from you…

It involves…social media.

Basically, I sometimes find that my browser has meandered its way onto my ex-boyfriends’ facebook or Instagram profiles. Just seeing. Not that I’m pining for them, but I’m just looking at who they ended up with.

Well, she’s got a better rack than I do.

I bet she’s funnier, smarter, more sophisticated, more [insert adjective here] –er.

And after 10 minutes go by, and I find myself in photos from themed college parties in 2010, I have to just stop and go, Caralyn, what the hell are you doing? Get a life! 

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Anyone else? Bueller?

And, maybe I shouldn’t be confessing this. Maybe this is tonight’s version of a drunk text to an ex, albeit, this version is public and utterly humiliating, but I think this reveals something.

And I definitely don’t think I’m alone in this Facebook creeping tendency.

I think deep down, in our quest to be loved, we want to see the picture of what – or rather, who – was more worthy of love. At least to that particular person.

But if I’m being really honest, those men’s profiles that I’m looking at, are all men that I pushed away.

They loved me.

And not like in a Cher-from-Clueless, “OMG they love me” sort of way…

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…but an ernest, they actually had strong, next-step-marriage-esq feelings for me.

And I pushed them away.

I always blamed it on my “selfish season of life,” persuing acting, but the truth is, I was unable to accept the love they were giving me.

I felt I didn’t deserve it.

That by becoming vulnerable and showing who I really am, that I would be deemed a disappointment.

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And all of this stems back to my battle with anorexia, and the lie that I believed that I was a burden and unworthy of love.  And even though I have fought through that, and found my worth in Jesus, love is still an area in my life that I just haven’t found the ability to surrender and fully heal yet.

Tonight, as I was turning in for the night, my dad gave me a hug goodnight, and he just held me a little longer and said, “Don’t be afraid to let somebody love you, okay? It’s good. It’s really, really good.”

I think my dad is the best man in the world, if you haven’t caught on to that already. 🙂

But talk about speaking directly into my soul.

“Don’t be afraid to let somebody love you…”

I think it’s really peculiar that this is all drumming up during Lent.

Here we are, in the season preparing for Jesus’ death on the cross…the ultimate demonstration of just how much He loves us…enough to die for.

All of Lent so far, I’ve been kind of, I don’t know…luke-warming it. And I’m ashamed to admit it, but I haven’t really committed to giving up or doing anything special for Lent. Sure, I’ve decided to “pray more,” but what the heck does that even mean? That’s frankly a cop out in my book.

I’ve honestly thought that, you know, here I am, I’ve left my life in NYC to come home to help my mom recover from her stroke, what more can I give up during this season, Lord? I’m all “gived out.”

Which, I fully realize how disgustingly pompous that is, but I think I’ve now finally realized what I’m supposed to “give up” for Lent.

Or rather, what I’m supposed to do.

I’m supposed to let Jesus love me.

Because right now, I know that with my brain, but I need to let it move in my heart. I need to claim it at a soul level. Enough to change me.

Because if I can’t fully accept the love that He’s poured out for me, how the heck should I expect to accept it from anybody else?

Accepting His love is a precursor to letting a mere mortal guy – preferably a 20-something, Brad-Pitt lookalike – letting that guy love me.

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It all comes down to truly believing I’m worth it.

That I’m not too broken to garner such love. From Jesus or from a guy.

Maybe that’s the lesson I’m supposed to walk away from this Lent having learned.

 

And just maybe, come this time next year, I’ll be able to tell my niece a different answer. Tell her that Aunt Caralyn did find love and a future husband.

Because she’s worth it.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

356 thoughts on “Tipsy Typing”

  2. Brava! Brava! Yes my dear friend this is what the season of Lent is about penance, repentance and accepting His love for us! Now let Him pour out His Love and allow our Blessed Mother to do the same!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this!!

    I have this problem too, in feeling like I’m not worthy of love. And also in facebook stalking and comparing myself to my male friend’s girlfriends.

    They are all “more” than me and it hurts a lot. It was like that all growing up, I watched them go after girls who were “more”, in that they could choose their own wardrobe instead of having to wear strict things within modesty teachings in our group. They went after girls who could “go” as far as they boys wanted sexually, when I was waiting until my wedding.

    They choose the other girls over and over and over again. And ignored me. I can’t tell you how bad that stung. It still stings, to this day. That’s a huge part of my anorexia.

    But I kept waiting and I kept fighting. And now, my toddler sits in the kitchen, painting the floor with pumpkin baby food, and my husband is standing a few feet away. He came around, it took some time, but God brought him in to my life at the exact moment I need him, and he led me back from a very dark place through the man I married.

    I know it is hard, I really, truly do, but I’m hear for you if you need an ear to listen and someone to point you back to God no matter what arises. This stage in life is really hard and anorexia really adds to the insecurities and pain. ❤ (hugs)

    Liked by 6 people

    1. oh my gosh, what a beautiful note, Rebecca. Thank you so much for sharing you heart. It gives me so much hope. And what a beautiful love story you share with your husband. this got me a little choked up. God is so good, and I’m so glad that He brought the two of you together at that right time. thanks again for sharing this wonderful note of hope. hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  4. A very nice, honest post. 🙂
    The desire to “compare” brought me to a very bad place a while back — I’m getting away from it, but it’s in the corner, like my ego, ready to make me feel bad if I let it. (Brr!)
    Anyway… you’re worth it, and you’re doing fine. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. God is using this time home to continue your healing and move you one step closer to finding someone to share this messy, imperfect life with. Put one foot in front of the other…the strides you are making now in your healing, will only enrich your future marriage! And it’s closer than you think…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think you’re right, Candi. He really is using this time to grow and heal and reveal things that I need to work on and learn. amen to that. one foot in front of the other. thanks for the encouragement! big hugs xox

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      1. I had a great night, Thank you. I pray you have a blessed day and continue to grow every day. Your testimony is amazing, a blessing you share it and help others know they can make it through trials and tribulations and find the blessing on the other side. I think your beauty lies beyond your posts appearance, it is in your Faith, your Spirit, your Heart. God Bless.

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  8. Isaiah 58:6-7 “Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

    _____________________________

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  9. If you were tipsy while writing this you did a great job 🙂 I know it’s easier said than done but you have to quit being so hard on yourself, thinking you’re not worthy. Once you love yourself, love will find you and you’ll be able to accept it. Take care and stay strong, be positive 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh girl you are so special and I get this by just knowing you through your blog. Do not be afraid to open your heart love is a beautiful thing … but when your ready and you find that special person and when you do find that person you will be ready . Hugs hon.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This is great! I was feeling exactly this way a year ago and on the 30th of this month, I’ll be six months into a relationship that is longer, more life-giving, and more incredible and surprising than anything I’ve ever had or imagined. It is easy to feel unlovable because things haven’t worked out before – in hindsight, feeling unlovable was my excuse for not being vulnerable with the guys I was dating and for being defensive, and now having been completely open and vulnerable has allowed me to find someone who not only listens and tries to understand, but also has helped me become even MORE open and honest with myself. It takes time, but God is preparing you for the man who deserves you, which will be HARD TO COME BY because you’re such an incredible person! Keep up the great work, girl, and don’t lose heart. He’s out there, and you’ll appreciate him even more when you’re done waiting.

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    1. Thank you so much! Oh wow, that’s so gray that you’ve found such a beautiful relationship! That gives me so much hope 🙂 oh my gosh, I seriously am so happy for you, friend. Yes! I believe he’s out there too, and I can’t wait to meet him! 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  12. You haven’t told us that you are Batgirl yet. I figured this might be the post since you were pissed. Gotham’s crime went up when you left town so I put two-and-two together. Oh well. 😐
    I dated a girl for five years that went through a lot of hell. All of the stress and pain her past inflicted on our relationship was worth it to me because I loved her and the balance of sadness and joy was better than no relationship at all. I became a better man because of her. 😃

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  13. Marriage is a different kind of pain, one that you may not ask for should you know what sacrifice is involved (though it isn’t possible). But know that the pain you are feeling now is never wasted when it comes to God.

    I was the best husband before I became a husband. I was the best father before I became a father. But I came to find that how we perceive ourselves is largely a fantasy of our own making that is smashed upon the truth of reality. Yet there is beauty in that.

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  14. You are worth it! I know the past few days I’ve been really think about how to let God into my heart. Sometimes I feel like I focus more on the religion instead of the relationship and part of that is letting Him into our hearts. Not just knowing it for fact in our heads. Great reminder. xoxo

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  15. The timing of this is just perfect. Just today I was thinking about this and I received a text from a former FWB guy who has recently gotten into a relationship. While I know I’m better off where I am and what I am doing, knowing that my special guy is on his way, my mind went straight to the thoughts of what does she have that I didn’t? Why her? And doubting my self and ability to be loved completely… So yes, he texted today, nothing engaging nor showing interest in how I am, but it was nearly impossible after receiving that text, to resist Facebook creeping to see about her and if they are together still. I’m rambling now but you are 100% not alone in this and I appreciate your sharing; I feel more supported and hopeful after reading this. When I have a drink or two (also a lightweight), I find these feelings you mention become a bit louder as the night comes to an end.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much for sharing this, Samantha. I’m right there with ya on those comparing thoughts and wanting to know the full scoop. Oh good, I’m so glad that this was encouraging for you. Your note was definitely encouraging for me 🙂 Hang in there. The right guy is just around the corner 🙂 Sending big hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I wish there was a “love” button. This was a gr at post! I was chuckling and nodding my head in agreement as I read.
    On the train.
    Like a crazy person.
    So, also, thanks for *that*. 😂😂😂

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  17. This was a really wild thing for me to read, because you took several lines right out of my life! We really need to talk!

    I’ve told you before that I was one of those kids that got picked on. A lot. The first time I tried to tell the girl I liked her, she publicly shamed me. I guess that taught me!

    So I walked right past several very good opportunities. I was thinking of my acting career. One in particular I really wanted, but she was too beautiful and smart for me. That’s what I thought anyway. I realized way too late that it had been possible, but I didn’t let myself believe it. I wonder how many others I simply was too stupid or afraid to give a try?

    Hard to let yourself be loved? Have you ever thought of what he would say or do if you won an Academy award? I have. Here it is.

    “I know I’ve only got a few precious seconds up here, so I’m not going to thank anyone. You know I’m grateful. I just want to bask in your approval for the time I have left. ”

    Then I would close my eyes, smile, spread my arms, and listen to the applause. That’s what you need to do. But in your personal life.

    As for comparing myself to others, that happens all the time. Imagine how I feel sometimes when I see Tom Hanks getting another award!

    Sorry I don’t have more for you tonight. The Internet is out at the hotel, and I just can’t deal with a Phone keyboard or questionable voice recognition. Sorry!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Jeff! Thanks for sharing that. Yeah I’d say everything turned out as it should in the love department 🙂 you found a keeper in Julie! 😍 and I love that exercise of imagining my academy award speech! Haha oh gosh. You know i actually have never done that! But I like what you’d say. I’d be one of the people on their feet leading the standing ovation 🎉😁yeah, I bet. We actually just watched Sully the other night…anywho, hope the traveling is going okay! Safe driving, and thanks for sharing your wisdom. I always walk away having learned a thing or two 🙂 hugs to you and Julie! Xox

      Liked by 1 person

  19. That was, as usual, beautiful. I love this part, “…love is still an area in my life that I just haven’t found the ability to surrender and fully heal yet.” I don’t know that we ever fully surrender anything in this life, but somehow we learn to express our true colors in appropriate ways. Delete Facebook if you have to dear one.

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    1. Thank you so much Daniel 🙂 I think you’re right, surrendering — especially in today’s culture — is so unnatural, but so freeing. you’re right, perhaps i need to consider deleting the book….thinking about that actually gives me hives though! haha 🙂 thanks for stopping by! hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  20. As I’m reading this post, I’m still reflecting on my “Enough” post from yesterday…I am so guilty of this too–failing to perceive myself as others, and more importantly, how He perceives us. Simply from your writing and sharing of your testimony and sacrifice, I can tell that you are a good person and beyond worthy of love! Claim that husband–watch…next year!lol

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I’m not sure if you still follow my blog (and it’s okay if you don’t, I know it’s brutal), but I really hope you’ll read my last two posts and check in for the next two or three. Growing up, I wanted a boyfriend more than anything else in the world. I wound up with an alcoholic, a porn addict, a player, a schizo/bipolar guy, a hypochondriac who thought he had mad cow disease, a date rapist, a guy with a swoon-inducing accent but was probably married, a mama’s boy who went to Amsterdam with his mother, and then a guy who was 18 years older than me (I figured he’d be more mature than his predecessors — I was wrong) and he messed with my self-esteem like you would not believe.
    All of that being said, please be careful what you wish for — i.e., be specific. Ask God for a kind Christian man (and list a slew of qualities you would want him to have). Hopefully God won’t screw up your order. 😉 I asked for patience and got a lot of red lights and slow drivers. 😉

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  22. Did you take that picture after the vodka too? Because that’s definitely one of your brighter smiles. Hope I’m not too brash in saying that.

    I totally tracked with your post. Though it wasn’t until I read it that I really put my finger on the problem. I have a hard time believing love of any variety is real. In my case, it was social dysfunction and years of rejection from it that really tanked my self-image. We all have our thing, I guess.

    Thanks for putting your finger on this. May Jesus restore all of our hearts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahahah thanks Brandon…no I took that this morning…i’m surprisingly one of those people who don’t get hungover! lol Thanks for the encouragement. you’re right, we all do have our things. Amen to that! hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  25. Believe it or not, since following your blog just a few months ago, I have prayed several times for you, that God would be preparing your heart to receive THE guy He has for you, at the right time. In His time. It is SO difficult in this sex-crazed society to be content with our heavenly Father as our “man,” but I think that’s ideally where He wants to bring us before introducing us to our earthly men.

    I dated God for a six-month period during a time when I was really hoping to be on the lookout for my future husband (meaning I spent time in prayer and in the Word on Friday and Saturday evenings when I could have been out on a date, and I memorized a whole lotta Scripture verses, too). But instead of pining for what I couldn’t have or what I imagined I was missing, there was such beauty and peace in just enjoying my life without all the stress of trying to get the next guy’s attention, or agonizing over whether or not someone liked me. I was already hanging out with Someone who loved me! Little did I know at the time that God was preparing me for the man who WOULD become my husband–who I met one week after my official time of dating God had ended. Had I met him six months earlier, however, I wouldn’t have wanted him. In was through spending time with God that He brought me to a new place mentally so I could appreciate His choice for my hubby rather than wrinkling my nose and turning away (I SO would have turned away six months prior, yet now we’ll be celebrating our 17th anniversary in May).

    Press into the Lord, sweet sister in Christ. Let His love wash over you, and know He’s got this. It’s not easy to relinquish control in the realm of relationships, especially when we think about “what if” scenarios, or when we compare ourselves to others (you’re not alone in that; I believe we all do it to some extent). But don’t regret the guys you pushed away. If one of them was THE one God had in mind for you, He would have kept that guy available. Your prince hasn’t come yet–that you know of, anyway. 😉 I pray you will find contentment during this time of singleness and allow God to be your “man,” and I pray for patience as He continues to heal you to receive your future hubby’s love. Marriage is wonderful, but it’s HARD, and you’ll never be fully prepared for it, no matter how many people you talk to or how many books you read on the subject. 😉 So be content to allow God to prepare you as best He can for the relationship He wants to last the rest of your earthly life. The waiting is hard when you’re walking through it, but you won’t regret it once you get to the other side. And you WILL get to that other side, Caralyn. Blessings and hugs!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh my gosh Laurie! You are so kind to think of me in your prayers. My goodness, what a beautiful thing that is. And you’re right- dating God and giving Him your heart is the best way to prepare for giving it to another person. And wow, what a beautiful love story you and your husband share. That gives me so much hope! And congrats of 17 years! That is so awesome 🙂 thank you again for such awesome encouragement. This really touched my heart tonight. Massive hugs to you and yours xox

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  27. That is so beautiful! And you aren’t alone in the FB thing😊 Good to hear your mom is getting out. I so admire what you are doing helping her recover.

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  28. Ok, let me gather my thoughts about this post for a moment…. Put down the glass or alcohol soda my friend. Right now you’re probably looking at this post slowly reading it word for word. If so that’s good because I have something to say… First of all I hate this post. right now you’re probably thinking Oh boy here he goes…. I don’t like this post but not for the reasons you might think…. I hate this post because it doesn’t put value on who you are as a person. Now I’ve read a lot of your work over the past few years. In fact I would choose to read your blog more so than the “The failing New York Times.” There is no mistake that we all have a past. Some memories are good, some memories are bad.. Since you like to compare let’s compare my life to yours. I am Canadian. You’re American. I want to be an American and not just play one on television. I’m a Christian, You’re a Catholic. I had an eating disorder, you had an eating disorder. When I came to fully understood who God was. I gave up everything. I gave up my goals, I gave up the social life. I gave up companionship and I even walked away from the wrestling industry…. I come across this problem as equally and as frequent as you. You’re in mid 20s I am in my early 30s. Still have no kids. I am uncle though. You had a battle with anorexia. I had a battle with Cerebral Palsy. There are times in my times that I used to dwell on that. “I drag my foot” I am useless. That was the old man. When I came to God I realized my Cerebral Palsy isn’t a sign of defeat. It’s a sign of victory. Let me explain why… I wasn’t supposed to live past six months old. For years I wanted to chase after the world because I thought I was supposed to fit in with the crowd. It took me a few years to realize that I was going about life all wrong. I was in and out of church than one day many years later God filled me with the Holy Ghost. The scales from my eyes came off. However there was also a huge price I paid for following God. I’m still paying it. I want to remind you this: Let the words that I speak now sink deep into your heart.

    Walk after the spirit and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Let your light shine before men so that they may see your good works and glorify your which is heaven. By this all men shall know that you are my disciples if ye have love for one another. There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear. Love not the world neither the things in the world for any man in your case any woman love the world. The love of the father is not in them. Let your faith not waiver in him. Let your trust in him never decrease. Feelings can distract us. Lean on your faith in Him. Some of your posts are good, really good. However I can see wavering faith in you. As a friend I say this. Feed your faith. You Carolyn are an individual who can talk so well about the Lord. You Carolyn are a person that make the joy of the Lord sweep through your bones and radiate through your face on any given day. If you feel unloved by the World draw nigh to the Lord and he will show you the Love that you seek to obtain. You don’t need the bachelor you need God. The grace of the Lord is sufficient. I have done it and I continue to do it even this day. Remember Abraham and the patience he had to use until Isaac came.
    Anthony

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    1. Wow A, what a powerful note of encouragement. Thank you so much for speaking to me these words that challenge me to grow in Him. And thank you for sharing part of your story. What a journey you have been on. Grateful for you! Hugs and love xox

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      1. I’ve been in that situation before so I know what it’s like. Of course it’s different circumstances for everybody. please know that you’re incorrect that your blog is had on various people is truly amazing and even if the world doesn’t have the respect that you require you have us and most of all you have God. If God is in your corner you’re going to have Victory everyday 24 hours a day because the phone line is always open. Remember he died for us so that we may obtain it righteous living. In essence that means to show kindness to the Brokenhearted spaghettification to those that are Down cast. Feed the hungry clothe the poor. Pray for the sick. Give of yourself to people. Reminder we may not always get along and sometimes I feel like I’m chastising you but I wouldn’t chastise you if I didn’t care about your well-being.

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      3. I always try to speak encouragement to you because I can see something in your life that you truly wish to please God. If I offend you in some way I ask you to forgive me sometimes I get passionate about certain situations.

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  29. …and yet another post i can relate to Caralyn! I feel like i’m going to be that creepy old man who lives alone and quiet for the rest of my life. I’ll be honest, i never envisioned my life to turn out this way, yet here i am. I have thought of ex-girlfriends and who they ended up with. One, whom my friends so affectionately named Lady Voldemort even got married. I still don’t know how to feel about that. All i know is that God has a plan for me. I’m not entirely too sure that means marriage, but i get the strong feeling that it does eventually. I know it’s either that or entering the FSSP seminary in Nebraska. Everybody that seems to take the time to get to know me tells me that i should be a priest. Go figure, right?! I don’t know what to tell you aside from following your heart and what God tells you to do through your heart. He speaks to us often, but it’s up to us to listen to Him. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi David! Oh good! I’m so glad you can relate! Haha, oh no, you won’t be! There’s a lid for every pot:) lady Voldemort haha that made me chuckle. Yes! The world needs good priests! 🙂 but seriously though, His plans for you – whatever they may be – will be good and full of peace. I’ll definitely pray for your discernment 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  30. Beautiful, moving post. With just the right amount of comedic relief. After all, Stone Cold mixed with Ben Stein’s monotone “Bueller…” is just genius.

    Prayers for you on this front too, although I am way out of my league here. But God knows. It’s only by His grace that I have a loving, longsuffering wife. Queen of my life.

    He will provide. Blessings!!

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      3. Hehe 🙂 I’m on my way to the Sacramento Kings game. I want to day that I’ll have a great night if they win, but I’m not holding my breath. However, this is something I’ve been talking about a lot with my therapist, how I need to learn to base my happiness on things that aren’t beyond my control.

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  34. This is … kind of the reason that you need feminism.
    Remember ‘Its a Wonderful Life’? The worst thing that could possibly happen to Mary if she didn’t meet her one true love, George? She became an old maid / spinster lady / crazy cat lady. Feminism reminded the world that just as guys can have achievement and success without marriage completing their identity, so too it ought to go for women. The last time I saw the matriarch of my old church, her very first question was: “are you married yet?” Followed by (in no particular order): “What’s wrong with you that you aren’t married?” “Your brother, is he married?” “I didn’t know that you had a sister, is she married?” “Don’t you know that the whole point of living is getting married?” Okay maybe she didn’t ask that last question, but you can bet your Bible that she was thinking it. This is what I can’t stand about the church, they want me to marry yesterday (well, ten years ago, to be honest) but they don’t want me to find love; they hope that I’ll love whomever I marry, but many generations have married without love and they think that’s o.k. Or they say that God will bless my obedience in marriage my letting me fall in love with my spouse after the fact. That just sounds wrong to me. Your niece needs to know that it’s okay to be single, it shouldn’t be a blight or disease that can only be cured by marriage. Single people are great people and do great things.

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    1. What an interesting perspective. Thank you so much! I agree, there’s a lot of pressure, one way or the other around marriage. In NYC, it’s the exact opposite. People don’t even *think* about marriage until they’re at least 30. I’m sorry that you’re feeling those pressures. You’re right! No matter if we’re single or marrried, we are great people capable of great things! Hugs and love xox

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      1. I’m out on the country, where it’s not unusual for freshly graduated high school students to get married right away and start on families even sooner than that. You hit your expiration date around 30, when you’re officially a lost cause. The thing people miss about Mary is that without George, she built a pretty great life, furthered her own education, got a job, contributed to society, set her own goals, it wasn’t better and it wasn’t worse – just different. And that’s the difference between marriage and singleness, it’s not better, it’s not worse, just different.

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      2. Haha oh gosh. I know what you mean though. Same way in Ohio. You should have 2 or 3 kids by 30! I loved that movie. I actually played Zuzu in a professional production of it when I was younger 🙂 holds a soft spot in my heart

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  35. It seems like you are upset with yourself. But you are learning and growing! It may be that you need to forgive yourself. I’m not sure if that’s theologically correct, but it’s a thought I had while reading your post.

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  36. You’re definitely worthy of love. 🙂 Remember that your own love is important too! (And I’d say it’s enough but that’s up to personal choice.)

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    1. Aw thanks girlie. You’re so kind to say that. I think you’re right- that is such an important spirit of peace to have – loving yourself. For from that heart at rest, we are able to then give it out to others! If that makes sense haha hope youre having a great night! Hugs and love xox

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      1. You’re welcome! I am, I just got some very good news that I will be sharing tomorrow. 🙂

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  37. My wife and I married at 34 and 32 – both virgins. Still blissfully together after 16+ years. Not sure why we had to wait so long, but our marriage was worth the wait. I pray that, and more, for you.

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    1. Hi Eric! Thank you so much for sharing this. Wow. What a beautiful love story you share with your wife! Gosh. How amazing. Haha God saw ya through! Thanks so much for the prayers. Means the world. Hugs and love xox

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  38. You’re definitely worth it, Caralyn.

    When I first stumbled upon your blog, I remember being quite shocked to hear that you were single, mainly because of how you cute you are on the outside and wonderful on the inside. Then, with time (and reading almost all your posts here…), it kinda makes sense that you’re still single, although it also drives me crazy sometimes haha.

    Well, I’ll just leave it at that.. 😉 very well written post btw, maybe you should get more drunk when writing next time ahah (jk).

    Hope everything works out for the best, hugs ❤ xo

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    1. Thanks so much 🙂 haha maybe! Although, I don’t want to make this a habit! Haha but seriously, thank you. I am truly touched by your words and friendship. You always have just the right encouragement for me, and I am so grateful for that! Hope you have a great night. Hugs and love xox

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  39. God thinks you are worthy of love Caralyn – thanks for once again being so honest – you crack me up and make me think with each post – may God bless you with amazing answers to prayers my friend – whoever it is out there for you will be one happy dude!

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  41. Hi Caralyn,
    1st of all, I love your blog, your honesty, transparency, your willingness to be so vulnerable with all of us. Kudos (a million, really) for sharing that with us regularly.
    But forgive me if I preach for a moment. The love you seek is already insde you. God gave it to you (indeed, to all of us) when He created you. I’m super serious about this, because this belief has set me free in so many ways. Mostly, (in my case, since I’m a man) that I don’t need a woman to love me in order to be complete, or whole. I still desire for such a love, but today I know I’m ok just as I am, whether single or coupled. In fact, if I never find “the right” woman, I know that my life, and especially my worth, are complete and perfect right now, because God’s love is so perfect and complete that if He deemed that I should have that in my life, I know it would (and will) be there.
    At any rate, the reason I share this is to let you know that you are perfect and complete right now, and that the fire you have for Him (and Jesus) is evidence of all the love you have to give. And when God’s ready (and He deems that you are as well) the perfect man for you will appear when you least expect it. I guess what I’m trying to say is have a love affair with yourself in the meantime, and be your own best friend always. Believe me, the love of a man pales in comparison to the love you have to gve yourself. 😀 *steps off soapbox*
    Please forgive me if I went too far or was too forceful in telling you what I think is best for you. But believe me, you’re a lot closer to where you want to be than you may realize. We all are.

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    1. Hi Steve! oh wow, this is such an awesome comment. thank you so much! and no way, you didn’t go too far at all! i’m super grateful for the advice! i love that – be your own best friend. that’s so true. God really is amazing 🙂 thanks for stopping by and sharing this powerful perspective and insight! big hugs xox

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  42. Your blogs always put a smile on my face my friend! God will provide the right young man in your life if that is His will and that is what your desire, I would have suggested that you need to meet my eldest son who’s in similar life situation as you working hard, very talented with “wordsmithing”,( He’s a big English Literature buff ) highly educated and musician, teacher and Worship and teaching pastor at Winnetka Bible Church in Chicago..Plus he’s a city guy, kinda like you are a city girl.. and he’s your age. lol Check out some of his stuff on his blog here. https://ryandavidshelton.com/
    … But catholic protestant issues don’t make for great bonded faith marriages so that may not work either. Anyhow.. My advice. Don’t do any vain thing like the Bachelor! good grief. You’re too deep for that. Wait on the Lord, and be satisfied in Him.

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    1. oh what a kind thing to say! thank you so much 🙂 I’m glad it made you smile 🙂 and haha that’s so great. it sounds like your son is quite the catch! 🙂 I’ll definitely check out his site. I kid you not when I say this…I’ve never met a Ryan I didn’t like 🙂 hahah I’m serious! Hugs to you xox

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  43. Caralyn,

    Convincing yourself that you’re worthy doesn’t make you so. You know very well that worth is what God has given you, and all of us deeply stained and broken people.

    That said, you’re too valuable to trust to your own thinking about yourself, and it’s life-saving to let go of ourselves into God’s Hands, as you have done. Letting Him have the freedom to bring you and your life partner together honours Him, and you’ll lose nothing, as you know.

    However, God sees much more than meets our eyes, and He prepares us for the future, often a future that we would never anticipate, and that takes time, but you can help by being soft in His Hands, cooperating with His lessons, and allowing Him to change you, all of which will ultimately reflect in your words and actions. And He is busy at work in future Hub’s life as well. We need to be praying the same things for him too, wherever he is. After all, he has to love you too, in the midst of his own brokenness.

    Grace and peace over you, child.
    Indi

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    1. Thank Indi. You’re right, none of us deserve the immense gift we received on the Cross, but in that action, we were made worthy. That’s a really powerful thing to remember. thank you for that reminder. Ah yes, that is such advice. Being soft in His hands — I love that imagery. i think you’re right – it’s two broken people coming together and loving the other where they’re at. thanks for this awesome encouragement. big hugs xo

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  44. Just keep listening to your dad and Jesus, and you’ll find yourself where you are supposed to be, when you are supposed to be there, with the people you are supposed to be with, and one of them just might be someone you can trust enough to let love and marry you. With two such great men in your life, giving you such good counsel, you will be led to the best husband for you. But that level of trust takes a lot of faith. You’ll be ready when the time is right.

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  45. Oh, how I know this struggle. I have been there. Honestly, I made quite a mess in my search for love. Lots of hurt. Lots of feelings of unworthiness. I think He had to bring me to the end of myself before I was ready for true love. I had to surrender to HIS love first. Not that I have it all figured out by any means! Been on my second chance at life, love, and marriage for 5 years now and still I can find myself tripping all over this issue. lol. Best I can say is keep trusting your heart to Him. He has everything well in hand. Thank you for a lovely, honest read. Hugs and prayers.

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    1. Hi Marisa! Thanks so much for sharing this. wow, how powerful “He had to bring me to the end of myself before I was ready for true love” – boy does that resonate. I think you’re right, it’s like in order to appreciate the light, you have to have seen the dark. And congrats on 5 years! that’s so awesome, and definitely gives me hope 🙂 Thanks so much for the prayers and encouragement! big hugs xoxo

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    1. Thanks so much! Yeah, there’s still time. It’s only half way over, and we can make a change today! 🙂 haha We got this, girlie 🙂 thanks so much for sharing your heart. big hugs to you xoxo

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  47. My dear friend,

    It is said when the chemistry is right between partners, then they are like magnet and iron – God puts them together also for some certain reasons – if this fruit hanging on the tree of time is not yet ripe – the feeling inside goes along with this ripeness – one look into the eye of a becoming partner is enough to ignite the sparkle of love into fire (as the eyes are the windows of the soul…) – you will come to know when the right partner is coming, your heart will tell you… so wait and see what are God’s intention with you… and we cannot force love to come as this is God’s work.

    Have a wonderful time and patience in your heart, dear friend 🙂

    Hugs
    Didi

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    1. Magnet and Iron. I love that metaphor. so powerful. gosh, what beautiful words, Didi. I am so moved by them. seriously. you have a way with words! Yes, wait and see. I’m really trying to practice patience in this season of life right now. it’s a very good – albeit difficult- thing. big hugs to you friend xox

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  48. My entire life I struggled with this and let me tell you, there is SO much joy and freedom in letting Jesus love you! I’m still not married or even in a relationship and for the first time ever I have such peace with that. I know God has and is preparing my future husband and that is all I need. Thank you for bravely sharing! 😘

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  49. I’ve never been one for soulmates. I’ve been married for 28 years and the last 12 have been existing in the same house. BUT, I know there are good relationships out there. I’ve seen them. I can’t imagine being in one, but I hope for one for you. I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Beverages seem to encourage other ideas to bubble to the surface!

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      1. Not sure what kind of testimony it is. Communication and sharing experiences is so important. I can count on one hand the times my spouse and I have spent on a date in a year. OK< half of a hand! We rarely talk to each other and if our youngest ever left, I think it would be really quiet around the place.

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