Tipsy Typing

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m writing this post after two vodka/sodas.

And if you know anything about me, then you know…I am properly pissed.

#LightweightForLife

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I actually have never written a tipsy blog post before. Believe it or not, even the Feminism post was written stone cold sober.

Stone Cold Steve Austin…I wonder what that dude is up to now…

*Googles*…


Welp, apparently he’s doing a reality TV show now, called Redneck Island and just bought a mini mansion in Marina Del Ray. Shocker there…

Anyway. Enough about wrestling.

I just want to get married before I get smile lines.

I heard my three year old niece talk about her future husband today….that made me feel pretty…oh, I don’t know…like a spinster cat lady.

I looked at her and said, “Yeah, Aunt Caralyn needs to find a husband too.”

It’s kind of the running joke in my family, actually. My sister-in-law is trying to set me up with her neighbor. I’m not complaining.

And I have a small contingent of friends who seriously, and I mean, legitimately want me to be a contestant on The Bachelor.

But I had a really special conversation the other day with one of my mom’s friends. It was at one of her “friend meet ups” that she’s been doing as part of her stroke recovery.

The conversation got going, and it turned to me, and how I’m still shockingly single.

And the woman looked at me and said, “You deserve to be loved.”

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It was actually a really moving conversation. This woman, I see her every weekend at church, and she’s this beautiful, effervescent woman, and she was telling me how she struggles with the same harmful feelings I do: she struggles with feeling worthy of love.

I felt like I was sitting there listening to myself speak, except 30 years older.

Same apprehensions. Same self-doubt. It was all too familiar.

I don’t know about you, but I have a very masochistic tendency, and I hate to admit it, but then, what haven’t I kept from you…

It involves…social media.

Basically, I sometimes find that my browser has meandered its way onto my ex-boyfriends’ facebook or Instagram profiles. Just seeing. Not that I’m pining for them, but I’m just looking at who they ended up with.

Well, she’s got a better rack than I do.

I bet she’s funnier, smarter, more sophisticated, more [insert adjective here] –er.

And after 10 minutes go by, and I find myself in photos from themed college parties in 2010, I have to just stop and go, Caralyn, what the hell are you doing? Get a life! 

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Anyone else? Bueller?

And, maybe I shouldn’t be confessing this. Maybe this is tonight’s version of a drunk text to an ex, albeit, this version is public and utterly humiliating, but I think this reveals something.

And I definitely don’t think I’m alone in this Facebook creeping tendency.

I think deep down, in our quest to be loved, we want to see the picture of what – or rather, who – was more worthy of love. At least to that particular person.

But if I’m being really honest, those men’s profiles that I’m looking at, are all men that I pushed away.

They loved me.

And not like in a Cher-from-Clueless, “OMG they love me” sort of way…

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…but an ernest, they actually had strong, next-step-marriage-esq feelings for me.

And I pushed them away.

I always blamed it on my “selfish season of life,” persuing acting, but the truth is, I was unable to accept the love they were giving me.

I felt I didn’t deserve it.

That by becoming vulnerable and showing who I really am, that I would be deemed a disappointment.

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And all of this stems back to my battle with anorexia, and the lie that I believed that I was a burden and unworthy of love.  And even though I have fought through that, and found my worth in Jesus, love is still an area in my life that I just haven’t found the ability to surrender and fully heal yet.

Tonight, as I was turning in for the night, my dad gave me a hug goodnight, and he just held me a little longer and said, “Don’t be afraid to let somebody love you, okay? It’s good. It’s really, really good.”

I think my dad is the best man in the world, if you haven’t caught on to that already. 🙂

But talk about speaking directly into my soul.

“Don’t be afraid to let somebody love you…”

I think it’s really peculiar that this is all drumming up during Lent.

Here we are, in the season preparing for Jesus’ death on the cross…the ultimate demonstration of just how much He loves us…enough to die for.

All of Lent so far, I’ve been kind of, I don’t know…luke-warming it. And I’m ashamed to admit it, but I haven’t really committed to giving up or doing anything special for Lent. Sure, I’ve decided to “pray more,” but what the heck does that even mean? That’s frankly a cop out in my book.

I’ve honestly thought that, you know, here I am, I’ve left my life in NYC to come home to help my mom recover from her stroke, what more can I give up during this season, Lord? I’m all “gived out.”

Which, I fully realize how disgustingly pompous that is, but I think I’ve now finally realized what I’m supposed to “give up” for Lent.

Or rather, what I’m supposed to do.

I’m supposed to let Jesus love me.

Because right now, I know that with my brain, but I need to let it move in my heart. I need to claim it at a soul level. Enough to change me.

Because if I can’t fully accept the love that He’s poured out for me, how the heck should I expect to accept it from anybody else?

Accepting His love is a precursor to letting a mere mortal guy – preferably a 20-something, Brad-Pitt lookalike – letting that guy love me.

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It all comes down to truly believing I’m worth it.

That I’m not too broken to garner such love. From Jesus or from a guy.

Maybe that’s the lesson I’m supposed to walk away from this Lent having learned.

 

And just maybe, come this time next year, I’ll be able to tell my niece a different answer. Tell her that Aunt Caralyn did find love and a future husband.

Because she’s worth it.

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356 thoughts on “Tipsy Typing”

  1. It took me a while to figure out how I could be assured of God’s love. I tend to think things over for long periods of time. I like to let ideas stew, recede into the back of mind, and resurface when I’ve learned new information. This is how I’ve developed all of my theology, especially with regard to practical matters. Most of what I think about is practical. As far as I see it, there’s no use in coming up with a theology that doesn’t apply to my everyday walk with Jesus.

    It started with understanding who God is. He is the un-caused Cause. He has always been and will always be. He is perfect, infinite, complete, and self-sufficient. He has existed eternally in three persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. He is love. He has eternally loved himself as a communal unity as a model of what love looks like for His creation. Truly understanding that God is self-sufficient meant coming to grips with an important and empowering reminder: God doesn’t need us.

    God CHOSE to create us SO THAT He could love us. Our entire existence is predicated upon the fact that God wanted to create a species of people who looked like Him, acted like Him, and understood things like Him, for the sole purpose of loving them and showing His power and glory to them. We have free will because it pleased Him and showed His goodness. Not a single part of our existence would have been possible apart from God’s overwhelmingly gracious, steadfast love.

    That love was made manifest on the cross to free me of any doubt. Jesus’ death on the cross is a historical fact. His followers recorded what happened, what Jesus said, and what living a life devoted to Christ looked like. We still have that evidence 2000 years later, unchanged, and translated into hundreds of languages. It’s not hard for me to look at Jesus and see love. When I remind myself that Jesus CHOSE to die for me, and He didn’t have to, I am overwhelmed by grace.

    However, the clincher is this: When I understand that God chose, from before time began, to come to His creation in human form, live a perfect life for my account, die an undeserved death to accept my punishment, raise from the dead to free me from its burden, and offer His life to me as a gift…I fall to my knees before Jesus and beg Him to take my life. There were other ways God could have written this story. He CHOSE to DIE for me, and He asks fo nothing in return.

    That’s amazing grace. That is steadfast love that never ends. And God loved you, Caralyn, that much, from the beginning of time, before you ever existed. He has always loved you more than you could ever comprehend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. the uncaused cause. Wow this comment was so awesome. i was cheering the whole time. i mean, how powerful is it to realize that, God didn’t need to create us! you’re absolutely right! He chose to create us out of love! that is amazing to realize. thanks again for this powerfully moving response. amazing grace indeed, Neal. big hugs to you xo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, girl. All I can say is: if you want to get married, wear more lilac clothing.

    Well, and maybe one more thing: Yes, let Jesus love you. That’s the anchor we should use in judging our relationships: do our relationships compete with that love, or make it sweeter and more meaningful?

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    1. Shoot, I can’t let this go. Caralyn, you need to recognize that most people your age are still trying to sort themselves out from the things that they’ve been given: faith, education, opportunity. You had to rebuild yourself from the ground up while you were still in high-school. You’ve chosen every single part of your personality. That’s going to be hard for anyone that hasn’t had a similar experience.

      That’s why I keep on saying: “You’ll find your man when you find your purpose.” That purpose is a reason for you to change. It makes space for someone to enter your life.

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      1. You’ll find your man when you find your purpose. wow. if that doesn’t hit ya right between the eyes I don’t know what will. SO POWERFUL. thanks again Brian. that really resonated with my heart 🙂 hugs xox

        Liked by 1 person

    2. More lilac clothing! hahaha oh my gosh, Brian you’re funny! and amen – I’m going to try to just let that love wash over me for the rest of Lent and see what happens … and then make that a regular thing 🙂 Yes! the anchor indeed! hugs xox

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  3. Hi Ms. Caralyn! Believe me, as I type your name while reciting it by syllable, I found it very very lovable.! And I guess, if you wouldn’t mind, I would love to give the same name to my daughter if God would bless me with one :). You are so full of love inside and out. Don’t worry, God is just preparing the best someone for you. Just be open to possibilities…love! love! mhuaaagzzz.!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello!! oh my gosh thank you so much! I would truly be honored to share a name with your future daughter. yeah, my mom said it sounded like music – melodic – so she named me that 🙂 And I’ve honestly never met another CarAlyn — I’ve met Carolyns and Carolines, but never another CarAlyn 🙂 Thanks for the beautiful encouragement. Thats so comforting to think of God preparing my future husband’s heart. 🙂 comforting and true! hugs to you friend xox

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  4. BRILLIANT! Tipsy typing! 🙂 What a phrase! And then the rest – thank you for being a part of my life. Don’t ever be afraid – it just gets in the way of alcohol! 🙂

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    1. haha thanks Paul. oh my gosh, thank YOU for being a part of my life!! truly, I am so glad that our paths crossed those many moons ago 🙂 hehe but in all seriousness, thank you. and thank you for the wonderfully kind words you shared about my blog on your site. i am truly touched 🙂 have an awesome day! hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Reblogged this on Church Set Free and commented:
    Tipsy typing!

    How many of us – me included – have the courage to type that at the top of a post?

    So what follows was particularly touching and vulnerable – in the most wonderful way. And entwined within the vulnerability is God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit – whatever your name for your God.

    And if you want topical – then Caralyn even links it to Lent.

    Please read this. If you are unchanged afterwards, please let me know.

    (which if why for the first time on adding a reblog – comments are left open here).

    Thank you –

    Paul

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  7. Your tipsy writing is very strong and powerful. When my son presented a similar point to me as his father it really cut deeply. Then I remembered what my grandmother posed as her first point when she heard I was dating.
    She asked two things to make her point: 1 are really serious about finding a wife? 2 just how much of yourself are you prepared to give?
    Her point “give them something to love”.
    Many relationships are shallow and can’t stand the test of time but when you are ready for a life partner you become comfortable with the intrusion.
    Reading your post makes me think you have reconciled that point. You are the gift, you’ve cherished it and protected and now your ready to share.
    This was a great insight and thank you for your candid statements.

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    1. wow, Trotter, thank you so much for this beautiful reflection. wow your grandmother was one smart cookie. i love those questions. i’ve written them down in my journal. I’ve actually grown up listening to my mom say the same thing in a slightly different way: marriage (and relationships) aren’t about what you “get,” it’s about what you *give.* Definitely a powerful perspective. hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Honesty is always challenging and so many people are in unhappy and unproductive relationships because they settled for anyone. Keeping looking for the someone and they will find you (personal experience speaking)

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  8. What a beautiful post. I would not have thought that you were anything other than in control of your faculties when writing this. Your dad is beautiful. You already know love in that relationship – partner love is different but also in many ways, the same.

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    1. Thanks so much Raegina. hahaha yeah, nope – definitely on the tipsy scale when writing! 😉 thank you, yeah my father is a gem of a human being. i’ve had a really great example of who a man should be. thanks for the kind words. hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

  9. The old saying when you aren’t looking or trying to find it, it’ll find you… Works. When you aren’t expecting it or searching for it, maybe in the wrong places, it’ll find you in the right places.

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  10. Oooh dear I feel you. Been there, pushed them away, stalked exes on fb and IG, beat myself up, everyone around me getting engaged and married and am just there😞. However, I have lately realized my worth and the kind of love I want and need. Go out there mingle and laugh, meet new kinda men and you shall know all that in the past was a phase preparing you for what goodness awaits you😘.

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  11. Wow, you knocked another one out of the park. Amazing post, and I know it all comes from the heart. Even tipsy writing works for you. Taking a deeper look inside yourself is never easy, but sometimes it is necessary to move forward in your life. When you know yourself everything else falls into place. You are awesome! 🙂

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  12. Just don’t be like me. I spent a quarter of a century being married to my wife, believing all along that I wasn’t loved. I was afraid. This guy that would wade into any fight, whether I had a chance to win or not, was afraid to accept that I was loved. Maybe it was because then I had to love back and accept all the risk that required or maybe it was my insanity. Whatever, my return of sanity brought with it courage and now my marriage has become a lot more like what God actually wants it to be as we push on toward thirty-five years together..

    It isn’t perfect but it’s good, really really good.

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    1. Hi Mike, thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so glad that you’ve worked through that and are now in a better place. that’s so awesome that you fought through it and are now on your way to thirty five years. that is so inspiring. truly. God is good, and there are a lot of people who could take a page from your book 🙂 Thanks for sharing that. big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Princess, it’s been a while I left a comment. Been so beezy and over and undewhelmed etc. But I couldn’t let this post go by. You oh my are so lovely and the inside should definitely reflect the outside. There are people who after going through the kind of stuffs some of us have gone through, retreat from life and no one hears or reads about them. You aren’t one of those and the proof – one of them is this awesome blog and all what you share in all vulnerability. Let Go and Let God – remember I told you about that special chapter in your memoir you are still collecting material for? Peace be still…

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    1. Hi Marie! oh thank you so much 🙂 I am so touched by your words. truly. you always have such a way of filling my spirit with hope and joy. thanks. Let go and let God. amen amen amen. You’re right! this will all be used for good one day 🙂 big hugs to you and I hope that things get a little less busy and hectic on your end! sending massive hugs and prayers xoxox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh Princess, that’s by Grace I am able to reach out so with words and all. Things aren’t getting less busy, am learning too to Let Go of all the anxiety and drive for perfection and yes oh feeling lonely at night… You guess right… And am learning to Let God… Take it from me if don’t mind an addition, Letting God works Big Time but on His Clock, Grace & Guidance. Hugs hugs hugs

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  15. Morning! I loved your post! Thanks for being willing to share with inhibitions loosened a bit. 😛 Enjoy your singlehood! It’s a phase of life unlike any other. Being single in my late twenties, I’ve gone through the same feelings and thoughts you have. I’ve also pushed great guys away that cared for me. It’s okay though. If it had been right, it would’ve happened. I think you’re so right in being open to letting Jesus love you! Life with God is such an adventure. I think if you focus on the present and enjoy where He has you now, you’ll be able to embrace the next phase of life just as fully and see God in both. He has given you so many gifts to serve Him with. And that’s where our true joy, love, acceptance, affirmation, and satisfaction come from. It’s from living out our calling, which is to glorify God with our lives and serve Him with our gifts. There’s nothing better. ❤

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  16. Religious traditions never bring a person closer to God. God draws us to Himself through His Son. To know the Son in spiritual rebirth is eternal life. His work in us and then through us. In the same way He draws two together to become one in covenant marriage. A man and a woman led by His Spirit into a relationship with eyes wide open with understanding.

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  17. Sweet Carolyn, you don’t earn love. No one is worthy of Christ’s love, that’s the whole point of the cross.

    I know men pining for women in their lives and like you, women pining for men. The ache is real but it does NOT mean you are not worthy.

    Your honesty, vulnerability and open heart is hugely attractive to the right guy and hugely scary to the wrong one(s). It’s part of who you are and God is using it (I don’t​ say this lightly) to touch and heal hundreds of others.

    I am now going to sound like a broken record and say again – patience. I think I told you the NT word for patience is actually “long suffering” (hey don’t say I didn’t try to encourage you :-)).

    So the obvious – be places where the right guy will be. Easier said than done maybe but they are definitely out there looking for women just like you. And stop bearing yourself up for who and what you’re not. What you ARE is amazing, attractive and desirable – drink that it because it’s what God says about you.

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    1. You’re so right – that is the point of the cross. It’s pretty plain and simple when you put it that way:) thank you. I needed to read that. I so appreciate your encouragement. Gotta just practice patience and trust! And long suffering…oh boy. Haha thanks again my friend. Big hugs to you xox

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  18. Caralyn,

    You are amazing. I look forward to your posts every single week!

    I found my husband when I wasn’t even looking. After I had escaped from an abusive relationship in 2010, Al’s brother wanted to set us up – and I’m so incredibly glad and grateful that he did! Al and I became friends as I started my senior year of college three hours away, and then we went on our first date on September 4th, and the rest is history. Here we are, nearly seven years later – Still madly in love, happily married for nearly two years, and enjoying our first house! God works in amazing ways!

    Social media is the WORST sometimes. I blocked my abusive ex on Facebook almost immediately after our break-up. About a year later, I got curious and unblocked him. After less than five minutes of seeing his profile, I immediately wanted to re-block him. It made me sick!

    Then, a former college friend got a little too close to me while I was engaged (although I was so naive and didn’t realize it at the time, and it went on from 2014 through 2016) blocked me on Facebook almost a year ago. It hurt, at first. And then I realized – It was the best thing that he could have done for me. It was an ugly infatuation situation, and he was a manipulator and a complete narcissist! The things you learn after you come up for air!

    With help from Al and several friends, I’ve tried really hard to put all of that behind me, and I look toward the future with a lighter heart and conscience.

    You are a source of inspiration to me. I love you!

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    1. Hi Laura Beth! Oh my gosh what a kind note of encouragement! I am so touched. And gosh, I am so moved by your love story with your husband. It gives me so much hope. And congrats on two years! God is so good. Yeah I’m definitely grateful for the blocking feature too! Why let those negative images fill your head? Onward and upward! And you’re right- taking a step back often reveals a lot more than we could have imagined. You are awesome, friend! Thanks for sharing this! Big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re so welcome! I’m happy to share my story – So many people think it’s romantic or something like The Notebook, but I know God has His hand in it. I’ve known that from the start! You’re awesome! Thanks for the reply – You’ve made my day! Big hugs to you – I pray for you every day!

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  19. BBB wow, like you I struggle with self worth or at least that I’m worthy of being loved, and like you I sometimes will stroll (stalk?) through social media of exes… One in particular who has a blog that I love(i don’t think she knows I read it…. is that wrong?).
    I remember that the first time I felt like maybe I deserved love and happiness was when i was with that beautiful blogger, but I still ended up pushing her away. I wonder if it is a form of control for us to push love away… like I don’t believe the love and I know it will leave me so at least I can control when and why she will leave. It’s not as simple as that of course there is selfishness on my part, refusal to give up old habits, and some narcissism for sure, but the control is part of it.

    I also have finally realized that Jesus loves me, worthy or not, and that I have to trust him to change my heart so that I don’t keep this cycle of pain rolling.

    Thanks again for baring your soul, it’s helpful for me to see that others struggle like I do, and that others are working on those struggles! God bless.
    (and God has someone for you, trust in Him and it will happen!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like “strolling” a lot better than stalking 🙂 haha but seriously thanks for sharing this. I’ve never thought of it as perhaps an act of control but you very well may be onto something. Thanks for stopping by and for your awesome encouragement. Big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, fanny pack, water bottle and sweatband.

    I too had an issue of allowing myself to BE loved. I did everything in the book…self-sabotage with horrible relationships, pushing people away, all of it. It was only when I realized I was in a relationship truly, one that mirrored someone greater than me, only then could I LET myself be loved. Everything else was lesson in distraction. We all, at one point, feel like we are unworthy of love. Sometimes, I feel like that with my hubby. He is so GOOD to ME. His answer is always the same: Because I love you…and you make good muffins.

    Seriously though, learning to BE loved is harder than it sounds. Love is an action word, not just some sappy, flowery emotion drummed up. It is the deciding to take a breather when you don’t agree. The clothes that remain on his side of the room instead of the laundry basket. My eating the last bit of ice cream …in his face. The disagreements over finances and losing it because you can’t see eye to eye. The deciding to not remain angry and to work it out, to find the middle ground. The contention over who is getting up earlier to get the kid together for school – who is doing pick up or drop off, who is going to do what when…and the unfairness that can creep in when you feel like you’re doing more than the other person.

    I didn’t marry until I was 37. And I thought I would die of loneliness, despite having children already. Trust me when I tell you, you want the one the LORD has chosen for you. He chooses perfectly and it will blow your mind, in EVERY way. Waiting is hard, and we get tempted to ‘help’ the Lord out. We have to go through the season of waiting. The Israelites did this…the whole wilderness experience was so that the Lord could show himself to them in a unique and intimate way. Needless to say, they kinda didn’t get it. Easier said than to do Psalm 46:10 – Be still and KNOW I am God…meaning, get intimate with me and know who I am.

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    1. haha bought the fanny pack and sweatband 🙂 that made me chuckle. thank you so much for sharing your story with me. That’s so true – love really is an action. how easily it is to forget that, or to exist in lala land thinking it’s a walk in the park. very sage advice, thank you 🙂 Yes, wait on the one He has in store for me. easier said than done, but then this is my season of practicing patience 🙂 thanks again, my friend. your words are priceless to me! hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  21. “I’m supposed to let Jesus love me.” Caralyn, there are a couple of things I want to say to you. One: It’s difficult for us to understand the true meaning of unconditional love. What we know as love is transactional love, conditional love, love with strings attached. Not so with Christ. Jesus never asks us to perform or change in order to earn his love – He simply loves, and we are his pearl of great price, his treasure of inestimable value.
    Two: When I was around 60 (I’m 66 now), I still had longings for a husband, but somehow knew God wanted me to know He was enough. I had a habit of signing off my journal entries, “your loving daughter, Susan.” For a year, I changed my sign-off to, “your loving wife, Susan.” At the end of that year, my longing disappeared. Other priorities have taken the place of that longing. Are there days when I feel lonely? Sure. But now, I am joyful in my solitude, and long only for the day I meet my Lord face to face.
    If you fully open your heart to Him, He will fill it until He brings you the one who meant to share your life. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Susan, wow, what a beautiful and powerful note. thank you so much. I am seriously so moved. A pearl of great price…i mean, wow. That is just so special. and you’re right, it is almost inconceivable how He loves us with no catch 22. And wow, what a big different a little shift made with you. i’m so glad you’ve found that joy 🙂 Thanks for sharing those things with me. i truly appreciate it. big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  22. My dear friend (: there is always so much more to be found in Jesus’ love, it’s new every morning and it just doesn’t end. And you’re never a disappointment to him, you never let him down, he never wakes up and goes ‘oh I guess Caralyn doesn’t get so much love today because of x y and z,’ and he is infantessimally for you, he is so, so good and wonderful and all the knowing that we can do doesn’t amount to believing it deeply, and experiencing it deeply ❤
    Not that I'm anybody to talk (: I'm just another traveller on this journey of letting Jesus be my reality (: but you just don't regret it ever.

    As for a man, I know the stereotypes are terrible but they're more trouble than they're worth unless they are completely immersed in Jesus' love, too (: But you know something? Father said it isn't good for a man to be alone (probably because we're idiots and we wouldn't last a day) and there's a man out there that Father loves too much to hold you back from you or to let your insecurities (or his) change His plans. He has loved you with an everlasting love (: and he is so faithful and so for you!

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    1. Gosh, Carson. This is such a great note. thank you so much. I don’t just *think* you’re right, I *know* you’re right – God’s got someone already planned for me. I just need to have some stinkin patience! haha and seriously, what beautiful encouragement. i am so touched. thanks again. hope all is well with you 🙂 big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My pleasure! (:
        Trust the process [= love, patience, life partner, it’s all a process–and when you DO find that man you get to start it alllllll ooooverrrr agaaain, *yaayy!* haha, but as always..Father knows what he’s doing, he’s got good good plans for you, Caralyn (: so trust the process, and trust Father’s love for you and the process will be easier, and gosh darn let Jesus love you! ;D

        I’d be lying if I said all was well (well, all IS well in Father so I guess it’s all in perspective 🙂 ) but *shrug* such is life and marriage 😛

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      2. Trust the process. Ok that’s my new motto. Thanks again Carson. This was so uplifting to read this morning. And I’m sorry to hear that things are challenging right now. I’ll say an extra prayer for you and yours. Sending hugs xox

        Liked by 1 person

  23. Your transparency, vulnerability, and insights are incredible and refreshing!
    May the Lord continue to work in you, through you, AND on your behalf (you know, for a Brad Pitt looking kinda guy, who has a heart after God too!). 😇😁

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  24. Good luck with all that. You seem sincere in your frustration. Now that I say those words together, they sound totally awful. But, honestly, good luck. I guess the rhetoricals aren’t meant to be answered here. At least, I hope not. I guess I can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through. I guess I would be a liar if I said I did.

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      5. I don’t really want to be the one to point this out (I am no psychiatrist, just a half-life observer of these things), but you are exhibiting symptoms of bipolar mental illness. Since your Anorexia Awareness Week post, your posts have gone sullen, depressed, but of a sudden, manic (Feminism) and then drunk. I may be seeing this wrong (hopefully, I am), in which case disregard everything I say here. However, in the event that yes, my opinion is that no psychiatrist I have ever met (I’ve met a few) is worth 2 bits. Maybe less than two bits, but certainly not two whole bits. My feeling is once such chemical imbalance sets on, (remembering you were VERY near death in anorexia–you have a tendency to live extremes), a complete renewal process is best. Like eagle’s renewing process where feathers, talons beak, broken, ripped, discarded and all newness regrown. Required for this is a good foundation. I went for suicide, but it seems my foundation was still intact and somehow, now, years later, I survive. Through process renewal, all neurons fractured and grown back stronger, better, more capable. Much more rather than some pill to mask symptoms and land money in rich men’s pockets. But of course, you can do it. You have overcome anorexia. Actually, you may or may not know how closely tied gastrointestinal and mental disorders are. As same chemicals for complex processes of thinking and digestion, then also one affected area often affects the other. As, brain to digestion for me. Possibly, digestive to brain for you. For which reason also psychotropic medications make people fat. The slowing of the brain (all the reuptake inhibitors and blockers and all that jazz mumbo jumbo) blocking brain functions do the same to digestion (slow it down–make body fat), and double trouble (both brain and gastrointestinal) makes your side effects from those meds (in cases where one suffers both in the mental and gastrointestinal) double-bad. Akathesia, and just general discomfort, etc. Anyway, don’t go crazy, and if I spoke out of line, I’m sorry. Nevertheless, if you do start experiencing wide swings in depression and manic stages (and no sleep), it is something to worry. (Not me, not you, really, just those in your potentially destructive path of collateral damage. Ha ha.) But you’ll be fine, even if there is some truth in this.

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      6. Hi Daniel, I appreciate your concern but I can assure you I do not have bipolar mental illness. Thank you for bringing your feelings to my attention, but rest assured you have nothing to worry about. Caring for a stroke patient in her recovery tends to be more sullen of an environment so perhaps that is the tone you’re sensing. Thanks 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  25. Oh, my heavens, woman. You are so speaking my language. I’ve been wrestling with those same thoughts of worth for most of my life. My mom, who is one of the strongest people I know, tells herself, “God is crazy about me!” whenever she starts to get down about herself. I realized this morning that God doesn’t make junk. He made me and He loves me and He made me with all this quirks and idiosyncrasies for a reason. So, really, what’s not to love? God loves me, so why can’t I love myself?

    Anyway, more power to you for writing this and posting it out there. I don’t think it’s humiliating at all. 🙂 Love and prayers!

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    1. Thank you so much Calista! I’m so glad this hit home with you. I love that! I should start telling myself that every morning : God is crazy about me! amen! Love this response so much. Thanks for the prayers and encouragement! big hugs xo

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  26. “Because if I can’t fully accept the love that He’s poured out for me, how the heck should I expect to accept it from anybody else?”

    A lot of good advice in the comments here. Two things I would add to what you said here. First, you already know how to be loved by your wonderful parents. You are very blessed that way. Many people don’t have this in their life. So, the way you receive love from your father is how you can receive love from God as your Father. Just let Him love you the same way. 🙂

    Second thing is related to the first: we always attract a person with equal relational dysfunction (but usually in opposite ways). For instance, if you’re insecure, you’ll end up with someone controlling, etc. If you still feel unworthy of love, you won’t find someone who loves you like your father (Father) does, unconditionally. You can even open yourself to an abusive relationship in more extreme cases.

    Maybe this is what you still need. A better estimation of yourself. To be convinced that you DESERVE to be loved (because God made you to be loved). Love is never about performance. It’s self-giving and other-centered.

    You are in a good place right now, Caralyn. Because, as someone once said, it’s better to be single than wish you were….
    Blessings.

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    1. Gosh, Mel. Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. I always walk away from your comments having learned something important of gained a profound perspective, and this didn’t fail to achieve either of those things! That’s so interesting about attracting the opposite – I’ve never thought about that before, but I think you’re absolutely right. And amen – I do feel incredibly blessed to have the parents that I do. Thanks for this encouragement. big big hugs to you xox

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      1. After counseling with hundreds of couples, I can assure you it’s very true. Just make sure it’s the “opposite” you actually want to spend the rest of your life with. See how they treat their mother (opposite sex), what kind of friends they have. These are all good indicators of what you’re going to get after the “la la la” (blind infatuation) wears off. 🙂

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  27. Stay true to yourself, the right one will come in due time. It’s funny I had given up on dating because of the terrible choices I’d made and just when I decided to step back and let God take care of it instead of me, it happened. I found my man or should I say my man found me over 24 years ago at Shoney’s of all places :). No way was I looking or thinking about a man but what I was having for breakfast and there he sat waiting to enter my life and he did and it has been the best relationship. Honestly, with everyday ups and downs but my man forever as long as God leaves us in each others lives. It will happen especially with your kind heart and spirit, so don’t dare cheat yourself with someone who doesn’t deserve you. Have a wonderful and Blessed Day!!!

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    1. At Shoneys! Ohmy gosh that’s awesome. We always used to go there for breakfast after church on Sundays. What an awesome story, Corrie. Thanks for sharing that. it seriously gives me so much hope. And wow, 24 years strong – congrats, my friend. that is so incredible and a beautiful testimony of love!!! You’re right – I’ve got to let God be the matchmaker, and allow Him to bring the right man into my life. Who knows, it could be at brunch on Sunday 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thanks again for sharing this. big big hugs xo

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  29. Please, check links to your affiliate partners. I know they are important to you, so I just see that they are not properly marked up in HTML. Namely, Reebook, Masterclass & Hosting got some wrong symbols.

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  30. I thought for a long time about whether or not I’d ever get married due to being Christian. I decided I had demands for a man and I would be unwavering. I thought those demands were unlikely to be met but then I met my hubby in the most unlikely manner: penapals. (Long story) Keep on praying girl, he is there.

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  31. I’m still a singleton, Caralyn, (& quite a bit older than you.) In my ’20s (&’30s if I’m honest) I struggled with the issues you’ve shared in this tipsy post. I even wrote a singleton’s prayer while working in Africa (can certainly dust it off for you!) I guess the key is asking God for the grace to be content in all situations? dating, single, skinny (or voluptuous, as my sister counseled when the pounds piled up.) If you were married, how could you be helping your mom right now? Treasure that time (I miss my Mama so, so much!) Now that both my Mama & Papa have passed, there’s a huge hole in my heart – the legacy of their love still surrounds me, but it’s hard. Very hard. When we’re alone, on our own, it can be an opportunity to draw closer to the Heart of Christ. (I’m a Sacred Heart groupie!) As we draw closer to the heart of Jesus, letting His love heal our hurts & fill the broken places in our hearts, we become more whole… & centered… & open to whatever (and/or whomever) God has in store for us. You know, not looking to men to affirm us, because God’s got that? And then, it’s healthier all around (Men are just desserts & the main course is supplied by God?)

    Huge blessings to you, Caralyn – know that you are a beautiful, beloved daughter of our Heavenly King! grace, peace & singletons prayers – Virginia 🙂

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    1. Hi Virginia, thank you so much for sharing this beautiful note of encouragement. Wow, what a powerful perspective. I’m so sorry that your parents are no longer with you on earth, but how comforting to know that they are with the Lord, and we will all be reunited one day in Heaven 🙂 I know that doesn’t make the longing for them any easier. but know that you’re in my heart and prayers. and that’s true – this is an opportunity to draw closer to the heart of Christ. and you’re so right – if i were married, or even in a serious relationship back in nyc, i wouldn’t be able to be here with my mom. thanks again for sharing your heart. big hugs to you xox

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  32. That was so powerful and heartfelt, too! Thanks for sharing this one. Know what? At one point or another, we have all felt the same way-unworthy, undeserving, or just afraid to let someone in-into our most vulnerable, unmasked selves. But, that’s ok, because reaching that self-love connected to our “Higher” love is the ultimate goal/prize. Having another to love us, and return that love becomes only our ‘icing on the cake’ that is us!

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    1. Thank you so much JaDonnia. (what a beautiful name by the way!) but you’re so right, i think this is a pretty universal feeling. amen – our high love is the ultimate goal and prize. thanks for this powerful perspective. so glad you stopped by! big big hugs xox

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  33. This. All of this. Mildly intoxicated or not- you lead with a question that many twenty something’s wonder, as well. You are beautiful, and witty, and wonderful! He’s out there, and he is looking for you as well! * cheers*

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    1. Aw, thank you so much! I so appreciate your encouraging words. I do believe that He’s out there. I just need to be patient and allow my heart to get ready to love and be loved 🙂 big hugs to you xo

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  34. 1 Cor 7; 6-9, 32-35: I’m not saying you must marry; but you certainly may if you wish. I wish everyone could get along without marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of a husband or wife,and others he gives the gift of being able to stay happily unmarried. So I say to those who aren’t married, and to widows–better to stay unmarried if you can, just as I am. But if you can’t control yourselves, go ahead and marry. It is better to marry than to burn with lust….In all you do, I want you to be free from worry. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man can’t do that so well; he has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. It is the same with a girl who marries. She faces the same problem. A girl who is not married is anxious to please the Lord in all she is and does. But a married woman must consider other things such as housekeeping and the likes and dislikes of her husband. I am saying this to help you, not to try to keep you from marrying. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few other things as possible to distract your attention from him.”

    Hi, Carolyn, I share these biblical passages with you not, as St.Paul says, to discourage you from marriage, or thoughts of marriage. But to remind you that you are not doing something “wrong”, nor is there anything “wrong” with you for still being single at this point in your life. Before you can allow someone to love you, you have to learn to love yourself. Not as a form of conceit or narcissism, selfishness or self-centeredness, but in a healing way, a way that accepts you as is, as a child of God. Imperfect but absolutely beautiful. You have to believe that you are worthy of that love–and you are! But, if you don’t believe it in your heart, it will only do harm to the relationship. Take if from a voice of experience. I did not believe I was truly worthy and I clung to my first husband like a vine, in a state of absolute lunacy if he was late coming home from somewhere. When we split up, that’s when my bout with E.D. started. I dropped 7 dress sizes in about as many weeks. When I met my second husband, determined not to push him away by clinging too tightly, I withdrew completely, denying him the love and true friendship that should be at the core of every marriage. My situation is a little different; I have intimacy issues due to a step-father who wanted too much to do with me, and that played a hand in the dissolution of both marriages but I wish I had known these passages from the Bible and really gave myself time to heal, to think of what I really wanted, and to give myself permission to be single…even if every matchmaker on earth turned up every Tom, Dick and Harry they knew. No, I’m not being cynical about love, nor do I hate men. But Jesus also commands us to love our neighbor as ourselves. How can we do that if we do not have that self-love? And, while well-intentioned, far too many live to poke their noses into other’s lives about marriage–or the lack thereof. Again, it must sound like I am discouraging you from marrying. Exactly the opposite. Love yourself enough to heal completely. And especially love God enough to know that He has a plan afoot for you and maybe this is simply not your time for that kind of love. Maybe He is molding and shaping you for exactly your Mr. Right and, when He is ready, Mr. Right will show up in that unexpected way and be everything–and more–that you hoped for. Those young men you spoke of? They may have been willing to marry you but maybe you pushed them away because some part of you, some secret place inside your heart, knew they weren’t The One for you. Not yet. Google the lyrics to Garth Brooks” Unanswered Prayers. It is a song about him running into his old high school flame, remembering how devastated he was when they broke up and then looking at the woman he did marry and appreciating that God knew best. Trust the Lord. If/when you and your future soul mate are ready, He will bring you together. In the meantime, enjoy the life you have and don’t worry about what others think. Marriage is not for everyone. But, for those that find that special someone, it can be a beautiful thing. Be patient. Let go. And let God. Peace! =)

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    1. Hi Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your story. gosh, it sounds like you have had quite the journey. And I am so happy for you that you’ve found a place of peace. you’re so right, there are many different paths our lives can take, and not one is better than the other. If God wants me to be single, then I should embrace that with my whole heart because it is His will. And thank you for sharing those verses with me. Let go and let God. that’s such great advice. thanks again my friend. big hugs xox

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  35. What a beautifully honest post. It is sometimes easier to accept the “invisible” love of Jesus than to accept that love flowing through a visible touchable human being. relationship especially incarnational relationship (those relationships we practice to let the love of God, the relationship of God through into our lives) is hard. I am not just talking about the work that such relationship takes but the strength it takes to just allow it.

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  36. There is a certain, well, satisfaction that comes from residing in Christ’s love and letting His joy be our sole purpose. I agree that love is something we need to learn to accept, especially because the love that is most radically life-altering is that which we do not deserve and could never earn. Your father is indeed a man of great wisdom, and I wager any man who wins your heart and affection would do well to imitate your father’s character. Thank you for your honesty and the reminder of what “being loved” is all about!

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    1. Thanks so much Luke! That’s so true – there is peace in Him. Thanks for speaking this truth. I really needed to hear it. I am definitely very blessed to have such a great dad. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  37. Boy perspective time. I have told my kids, 23 and 19 there is NO hurry to get married. Adventures abound in the world, and it is much easier to experience them when you are young and unmarried. Once the wedding happens, then the talk goes to houses, kids, college funds…. Adulting truly starts….

    Enjoy what life throws at you, go on these adventures (shoot you never know who you might meet Ziplining in Washington State or river rafting the Grand Canyon. Letting yourself live your life will attract the right people, including the right man, into your life.

    And just for the record. your ex’s new girl may have a bigger rack, but I highly doubt she is a truly lovely you are inside and out.

    Take care lady 🙂

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    1. Hi Tony! Oh gosh, thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. You’re right, there’s no rush. Zip lining in Washington state! Wow what an incredible adventure! Maybe I’ll just have to take that trip to Iceland next year with my friends. Maybe meet an interesting international fella! Haha thanks again. Hugs and love xox

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  38. Such a moving post! I bring some hope. I stood in your shoes a few years back. It took a lot of work to get myself ready.

    Thing is, none of my relationships really worked before, and I couldn’t even find people to be interested in.

    And then, literraly the week I resolved my last big issue (also being open to being loved), I met my nightingale. At first a friendship, but a few months later we started dating.

    We are together for more than a year and a half now, and both happier than ever!

    God waited for me to be ready first. He chose to put the right person on my path the moment I became ready. All I had to do is ready myself.

    Thank you for another inspiring post, and I too hope and pray that you will find the right man.

    With caring regards

    Havoc

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    1. Thanks so much Havoc 🙂 oh this gives me so much hope. I’m so glad you’re in such a great relationship! That’s really great advice – I’ve got to ready myself. Thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  39. Hey Caralyn (I got your name right – sorry for calling you Anna) you ARE worth it but you’ll only get what you attract. If you go round saying you’re a Christian but get drunk and use swear words on your blog, that’s the type of guy you’ll attract. If you want to be taken seriously honey, take your faith seriously because you are worth MORE than a Christian man who uses expletives and can’t hold his drink. Be the Queen God wants you to be and you will get your King – I know you can do it because you’ve got more than 24000 followers who are behind you and who love, love, love, your blogs. I find this one offensive but I am not perfect either so I will not say any more. I’m sure there are many who have been blessed by this blog just like I have with your others xxx

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    1. Hi Sharon, thank you so much for sharing this. I apologize that you took offense to this blog post. That was not my intent at all! A lot of good food for thought here. “Your vibe attracts your tribe” as they say. Just so you know, I rarely drink, and we were celebrating two of my family members’ birthdays that evening, and it was my first drink in over 3 months! Not making excuses, just want you to know that I am not some sort of lush or something 🙂 hehe But thank you for your encouraging words. I do believe God has a good man out there for me 🙂 hugs ox

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      1. Yea I figured that was the case and I’ve learnt that different Christians are offended by different words. I used to use the word ‘crap’ all the time because to me it means trash or rubbish. But to my husband this is as bad as saying S–t, and he asked me to stop saying it. As for the drunk thing, none of us are perfect and we all ‘show up’ God form time to time.I guess with blogging, people don’t really know the real you so there is a risk of people misunderstanding and I wouldn’t want your future hubby to be put off – ya never know, he might have been reading it. 🙂 But anyway, thank you for responding graciously and not being defensive. I’m sure there’ll be things you will have to pull me up on at some point;-) Have a blessed day xx

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      2. Haha so true! Wouldn’t that be wild for God to use my blog to bring my future husband and I together?! I wouldn’t put it past Him!! Haha actually, my mom thinks that I’ll meet him as a result of this blog! Thanks again. You are a blessing to me! Hugs and love xox

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  40. We love your post. It seems like you’ve grown and lot and have overcome hurdles most people can’t imagine. You seemed to have found yourself. Your writing shows your wittiness and your sense of humor while still talking about your serious struggles.
    The tipsy typing was our favorite 😉
    Best of luck to you and many hugs!
    -Amanda and Kerin

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  41. What a beautiful and relateable post. We’ve all felt that way at some time. Keep doing what you’re doing. The scripture in Matthew 6:25-34 puts it well that God knows your needs and will take care of them. We just need to trust. I think you’re doing fine.

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  42. I think you hit it on the head, there. You have to let Jesus love you, really love you, and be complete in that. Often, we look for someone else to complete us. But, we have to be honest, we’re all broken and carry a lot of baggage. We’re essentially telling someone “Yeah, I know you’re broken, but fix me! Complete me!” It sounds selfish when we put it that way – and I didn’t figure that out until after marriage. When we look to Jesus completing us, fixing us, it makes it so much easier to go to someone and say “I’ll carry that burden with you.” Note, I said easier, but not easy. 🙂

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    1. Thanks Russell. I really appreciate that. And wow – what an awesome shift in perspective. that really makes a lot of sense. That way, Jesus is completing us, and our spouse doesn’t have that unattainable pressure. thanks for stopping by! big hugs xox

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  43. I apologize that this comment is coming so late after your blog post but I didn’t know how to say it or the right words but I prayed about it, and here we go 🙂

    1)Ask God to bring you the husband He wants you to have.

    2)After you do that, every night, or morning, or whenever you pray( and every time you pray after you ask Him) say, “thank you God for bringing me the husband You want me to have” as if it is already done, because it is.

    3)Now, quit looking 🙂 or thinking about it because you won’t miss him. God will bring your husband in such a way that you will trip right over him.

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    1. Oh my gosh wow! This hit me right in the heart. Thank you so much. What awesome advice. Those three steps are absolutely to not only the right husband God has planned out for me, and for peace from knowing it is in His hands! I am seriously so grateful for this. Thank you for praying for those words and sharing them with me. You are such a blessing to me, my friend. Sending incredibly massive hugs 🙂 xox

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      3. Ain’t that the truth 🙂 He is more than I deserve that’s for sure!! I don’t know why He would ever love a mess like me, yes I do 🙂 His word says so 😉 God Bless you my friend. Looking forward to your next post 🙂

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  44. My favorite part was when you said, “I’m supposed to let Jesus love me.” AMEN!!!!

    It truly embodies this Lent and Easter season. HE went to the cross and rose from the dead because He loves you and me and ALL His children. Isn’t He just awesome? 🙂

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  45. Caralyn,
    Were you meeting with my mother?
    In all seriousness, I wrote a blog on “Are you worthy,” and about the only thing I can tell you is this: Although different people show different levels of confidence, I offer you this tidbit … if everyone waited to feel totally worthy, there would be a world of single people out there.
    I believe we all ask ourselves that, some, just more than others. Many people, when something goes wrong in a relationship, don’t realize that feeling worthy of someone is always back there in our mind.
    So, I know it is hard to say (coming from someone who deals and has dealt with the same feelings), but, just go out there and be yourself and accept yourself as you are … it’s hard to do sometimes, but when you really know who you are, it will be easier.
    Keep on blogging, intoxicated or not. Peace!

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  47. The longest distance is from the head to the heart…
    I’ve been dealing with accepting Christ’s love – truly, fully – all my life, despite knowing in my mind that it’s true; most of my struggle comes from the consistent barrage of failure around me – human failure when it comes to “love”. I know better than to assign humanness to God, but in my defense, I’m human… A daily struggle to feel deserving of being loved (especially when some days, the only one doing the loving is God Himself…)
    Hang in there!

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  50. Wow! This post stayed w/ me so I’ve come back with my 2 cents. Sheesh… You’ve given me a lot to think about. Where to start. Still processing that be loved stuff. Anyway …First off… I too also thought your name was Ana. Go figure! I have Ana’s mom on my prayer list. Second off… I think that what we all suspect is whats really the case.

    I struggled for too many seasons here and there with my singleness but strangely enough over time I found being single to be something quite pleasant. I actually have come to like it. It can grow on you. And its not because of reasons like I have a lot of hobbies, stupid toys, careerism, am rolling in the dollars, freedom or whatever… No I am not sure how to explain it but I think God can actually give us a peace in it. Something like that. It crept up on me. But …

    But… then there is also the observation that I have made and read about… the bit about our suspicions… The if-only’s never stop – “If only I were married. If only I had sex or if only a baby or if …” They never will fill our hole. Deep down inside we suspect this, but up up above we always think they will. In fact we find married folks come full circle and saying if-only I were single then … I would be full. No. It all comes back to God filling us. What we receive, we must receive from God. And in His time all things work out: Philippians 4:19. Ciao! Raj

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    1. Oh my gosh, thank you so much! I’m so glad it resonated with you in that way! Haha yeah, it’s caralyn! 😁 and gosh thank you for the prayers. That means the world. And what a powerful perspective. That really hits home with me! Gotta chuck the if onlys out the window and allow (and receive) God’s peace and fulfillment. God is good and His timing perfect. I just have to trust that. Thanks again Hugs and love xox

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