Seeing RED 

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

*sigh* This post is going to be difficult to write.

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The saying goes, never judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes…or something like that.

And I’ve learned over the years that as much as I hate those cliched little nuggets, they actually hold a lot of truth. Stand the test of time.

I’ve been wanting to respond to my recent post on Feminism for a while now. It garnered quite the diverse feedback. And I appreciate that so much. One of the cool things about an online community like this is that people bring with them all their experiences and perspectives. We all are on different journeys, and I sincerely enjoy learning and listening to every person.

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After that last post, there were numerous reflections that took offense at my statements about motherhood:

The very essence of being female is the ability to bear children. Bring life into the world. That is the one and only thing that is uniquely female. That is the aspect of being a woman that is what should be celebrated and cherished and protected. And, in the name of feminism, we’re fighting to squelch that? Fighting to suppress that exclusively female gift? That, in my opinion, is the exact opposite of feminism.

But I’ve wanted to respond to the backlash I received from this very statement. It’s taken me this long, because honestly, my heart has been hurt by many of these replies, and it has taken me a little extra time to muster the courage to respond.

As you all are very well aware, I had a severe case of anorexia in high school, and then an equally dire relapse in college.

But there’s a dirty little secret about anorexia that not many people realize, and that I have personally not shared yet. But there is a devastating consequence of this disease that many sufferers experience, even after they are “healed.”

And that’s…

Infertility.

And typing that out, my heart is just heavy with devastation. It’s one of those things that I’ve just locked away in a box and thrown away the key. Figuring that if I never uttered it, it wouldn’t actually be true. Ignorance…or rather, denial…is bliss.

But the fact is, here I am a mid twenty-something, and I’ve never menstruated.


I developed anorexia right on the cusp of puberty in high school. And at the same time, I was simultaneously diagnosed with ulcerative colitis – an incurable autoimmune disease.

So it was really the “perfect storm” of my body truly fighting to stay alive, that that part of my development just never happened.

So when I talk about women being the crown of creation, and that motherhood is the essence of womankind, it is coming from a heart that has mourned that gift. A heart that breaks that I will not be able to offer that gift to my husband. My family. Myself.

But a heart that knows that God will make me a mother one way or another. God has put that longing in my heart, and will not let it go to waste. There are other forms of motherhood : adoption, spiritual motherhood, fostering love for my nieces and other children in my life.

And I don’t put a miracle past God either.

Not being able to bear children – whether through infertility, menopause, life situation, what-have-you…that does not mean that you are not fully female, as many people assumed I was proposing.

Far from it.

And I bet those women will tell you that those “mothering” qualities have been lived out in other, nearly-as-fullfilling ways.

And I know that that yearning and loss my heart has wrestled with, has added to the depth and character of my own feminine qualities. It has given me a perspective that I bring to each and every encounter I have. It is a “bag” – or a jewel, rather – that I carry with me on my journey.

So that, like in this community, we can all come together and collective converse, coming from different paths with different perspectives.

And that, is one of mine to offer.

Why am I pro-life?

Because my heart has mourned the loss of truly, the life that I am not able to carry into this world.

The life that makes a woman a mother.

The life that makes a woman’s love life-giving. 

The life that is the result of our feminine power.


God will not forsake the love I long to give. Not to a future husband. Not to a future child. Perhaps my motherhood role will just look slightly different. But in no way does it decrease my worth. Make me any less of a woman.

I may feel that at times.

But God will make beauty from ashes.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

625 thoughts on “Seeing RED ”

  5. Oh Hun your post is so emotional and really helped me feel a connection your so honest with what you have to say and your feelings. Keep positive. If your destined to be a mother the mother inside you will fight through. A true lioness. Xxxx

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  8. Your post caused me to remember two women in the Bible who had births in their old age. Sarah Abraham’s wife and Martha Mary’s cousin. God opened their wombs at the right time to fulfill His purposes. He does not give a desire without finding a way to fulfill that desire and he can do that for you. May the Lord allow your motherhood to be accomplished in a way that truly is best for you and the child whether a natural birth or adoption.

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    1. Thank you so much, Robert, for this beautiful encouragement. You’re right – there are so many examples in the bible of God coming through and doing the miraculous. Thanks for your prayers 🙂 big hugs xox

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  10. I have two children, but I couldn’t feed them sufficiently on mother’s milk. Even with all the professional help possible, I had a low supply and had to supplement with formula. I was discussing this with a friend–my sense of total failure to do something I saw as “the essence of being female”–and we realized that we shared an identical sense of feminine failure, in her case due to infertility. While, obviously, the acts of growing a baby and feeding the baby are related, I respectfully point out that there may be more to the essential feminine than just the former. You seemed to be very consciously opening yourself up to the perspective of others, which is why I’m sharing this comment with you.

    Congratulations on making it to this point in life after the struggles you’ve endured, and on nurturing the positive. 🙂

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    1. Hi Willo, thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so sorry you had to walk that difficult path. You’re so right – there is so much more to femininity than just those two aspects. Thanks for the beautiful encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  11. You’re so incredible for first writing the original piece but then taking something you took so personally when it was criticized and explained. As someone who has battled with a long wrath of an eating disorder I at 22, just started menstruating again( I had started before my ED) however fertility will continue to be a concern. I have a serious boyfriend and that is something both of us have come to realize could possibly not work out in our favor in our future. Mourning that loss is so difficult and speaking out about it is even harder! So much respect for you, and I know you’ll be able to give all of that love to a husband AND a child (even if it’s not naturally) and you are strong for being able to handle the situation and I’m rambling but this was just such a great post and I don’t know you but I’m proud of you and this is inspiring!

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Gosh, that gives me so much hope. I am so happy for you about that! Yeah, it was definitely nerve wracking to publish this post, so I really appreciate your support. Thanks again for stopping by. Big big hugs xox .

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  13. Your post reminded me of my aunt who never had children of her own but was a comforting place to come when my own mother didn’t know how to relate to me. I also think of a grand daughter who doesn’t have children but is the joy of her niece’s lives. God gave you a mother’s heart and will use it to bring love and joy to many. Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Magnificent! As a man I can never experience motherhood, but my wife and two daughters have given me an immense appreciation of all that it means. May God indeed grant you the sort of children He has prepared for you, for you indeed have a great deal to pour into them.

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  15. I’m not surprised you had backlash and wouldn’t be surprised if a woman or two did so. Infertility from anorexia does happen especially when young girls start as they do have their body attack them as you know and my extra nugget on it is that low body fat makes it very very hard to go through menstruation. Many girls and women bond over many things and their being close also causes something unusual. I’ve had times where I coached 70 girls and athletes sadly have no time for their friend and oddly teammates often will suddenly all get it at the same time as they are low body weight, empathetic, sympathetic, competitive and when they have it three weeks straight and they are 5 foot 5 and 118 pounds it’s dangerous.

    Having said this and that I’ve dated athletes I’ve had two say they could not get pregnant. They went through it all and quit. Then poof they dated me and they both did, no not at the same time or even witching a 3 year period but it happened. Both I supported and both were like myself qualifying to the Olympic trials and they made the decision and I stood by their side. Now, 15 plus years neither can. But a completely different story, my uncle and his wife tried 14 years but were on all types of drugs and that shouldn’t have stopped them but after a horrific accident and some time poof, late in life and three kids. So, things can be odd at times.

    Supposedly men don’t know how it feels to be a woman for many reasons but I think it’s a little bit short answered, wrong place and time and some men don’t care. I’m not good at some things and they are not related to anyone based on sex. But I have seen and heard things come from deeply saddened, hurt and pissed off women and a soft touch and time and i won’t be says no oh I’m sorry if whatever happened I’ll feel it, I want someone to share by letting my feel it. To some men this means oh tell me fifteen books about your feelings on a subject as they may be in need of the extra reading. I just am me and it’s hard to describe but many exes always say I had very good knacks at surprising things. Then they meet real jerks and I hear all about it.

    I’m sorry anybody ever made you feel bad in the past. I’m sad that anyone have you flack over your rights and of course the most important part that could have things change for you.

    I didn’t know how busy you’ve been with acting, when am I ever gonna see something you’re in?, (I’ve been in some small and extra roles as mentioned way back) and if you’re gonna head out west and visit.

    Lmk, keep your head up, that awesome smile and keep on writing my dear:)

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      5. I’m partial to it. Some of my blogs have been inspired by it. What about you? You’re beautiful, loving to your family, God fearing. You’ve struggled, but seem to be doing well.

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  17. I absolutely loved this post. You’re one of the bravest beautiful women I’ve ever had the pleasure of coming across in my travels. Your posts are so raw and full of passion. God Bless you and keep up the writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I love blogs which reach into your very soul. You had the graciousness to remark on my blog and I thought I should read yours. As a mother, grandmother and great-grandmother there is nothing more precious to me than FAMILY! And family comes from reproducing. The feminism issue and the actions of some women let along the filth that poured from their mouths on “Inauguration Day” not only made me angry but embarrassed. Not embarrassed for myself or them individually, but women as a whole.

    We have collectively in the name of feminism destroyed the “father” figure in the family to where the family structure is broken apart. Women dress as tramps and pour words from their mouths as sluts and wonder why no one is giving them respect. They testify in front of Congress that they enjoy sex and it is their right to have sex, but that those birth control pills are too expensive so they want the rest of us to pay for them.

    Or they chose to use the “legalized murder” route as the way to take care of what they now consider their excess baggage. They say I like sex but I don’t want to have kids – then get your tubes tied and have a ball. How can you be at peace of mind by continually murdering human beings you are carrying within your bodies.

    I will never, never understand it! You state you want your rights but in the process, you want to remove the rights of others to have yours. Don’t you understand that it is one of the most wonderful things in the world to have a man love and RESPECT you, but how can they when you continually take on the alpha male role and demean anyone who disagrees with you? You don’t want to have children, that is your right but it is also our right to not want to pay for your sex or your legalized murders. Tie your tubes and open your heart some to this woman who wants children but is fearful she will not be able to.

    Have you no compassion? No, you don’t because of having absorbed a large portion of that alpha male mentality, your softness is gone as well as your compassion and understanding – all those things you claim are the bad points about men.

    Beautybeyondbones I am praying for you and the others!

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  20. As you said – we are all recovering from something. Whether it’s clinical depression that plagued one of my daughters, to grief over a husband’s sudden death – it’s all recovery and how you deal with it. Apparently, you’ve handled your journey with courage and that’s what really matters. Keep writing . . .

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Gosh, what a difficult journey. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to walk that road. know that you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs to you xox

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  21. Yours is a very nice and very busy blog! I liked, especially, thoughts on seeing red. I write mainly for my self, using my blog as a filing cabinet, a place to find stuff easily years later, when I want to publish it somewhere…and a repository that friends can look at.

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  22. I just wanted to say that your story is beautiful…rough, scraped…but you are so beautiful on the inside and out. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for following my writing and I will do the same! Love, Ryan

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  23. I’ve never had kids (not by choice), and I’m no less of a woman, either. There are many definitions of motherhood. Including, I might add, being a “parent” to an animal, a pet, especially a dog.

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  26. Beauty From Ashes!!! Praise God!! Thank You for your continued support, the courage, and humility it took to share with us.

    3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them BEAUTY FOR ASHES, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified. (Isaiah 61:3)

    Such a beautiful verse…. beauty for ashes….joy for mourning, praise for our heaviness….and we are beautiful trees!!! So much imagery… I love it!! Keep fighting the good fight!

    Have a great weekend!

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  27. Couldn’t quite catch your name…
    But you liked my article about Truth (thanks!) and reading THIS article I can see why…
    I was touched by what you wrote here. Good to see such opinions on the Net!
    THAT’S REAL FEMINISM.
    I wish you all the best!

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  28. Every time I see that you’ve liked one of my posts I’m honored. After reading your posts, and knowing you’ve taken a little time out of your day to spend a little time in my head, I’m beyond honored. I’m blessed. Being an old Grandpa, I tend to dwell on family in my moments of awareness and feel I can extrapolate the deeper meaning in your situation. You nailed it in stating there are many ways to be a parent and they all are truly fulfilling. I wish you well in your journey and know you will find that fulfillment. God will intervene at some point and make it happen. Bless you.

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  30. Bravo, Bravo Caralyn!!! Such an amazing, powerful and insightful piece that is filled with such emotion, understanding and tenderness in response to what I can only believe was Hate and more! Yours was such a moving and touching post!! I really loved it. I loved the way you took us through this journey you are on with this issue and had the real courage to “Unlock” your box and share with all of us. Thank you for sharing your voice with us!

    Having read your piece and the comments it is so obvious – blinking neon sign obvious – that you are a tremendously loving and caring person and it does pain my heart to hear that there is the real possibility that your own children may not be possible. It even hurts me to write that being a father and grandfather. But let me tell you what all this hub-bub and back and forth really misses – in my opinion – and that is this more important truth – It’s not the physical fact of being a mother that is really the most important thing. It is Being Mom!! Most women can be mothers but the real blessing from God is the opportunity to be MOM.

    I know and believe that as you continue to listen to your heart in the stillness of the night you will find the right path on your journey. I think that one of the biggest draws for women (not being sexist here) to enter the field of teaching in the elementary grades is that in a very real sense they get to be Mom for their class for a school year. And if you don’t think so then just think back on your years and you probably have a teacher that meant everything to you and may have changed your life. That brief time with a teacher can make a lifetime impact and that is just a tiny peak of what being Mom can be like. I think that is why so many elementary teachers teach for such a long time.

    Be MOM!!! I can tell you that having read just this one post of yours and the comments you have made that YOU ARE A MOM!!! You just have to find out where your children are! We are all children of God, and Lord knows we need more Moms in the world like You who have a big enough heart to love everyone!!! Big Hugs and Love to You, My Dear!! You are Loved, by me and all your followers!!

    Thanks for visiting my blog! I hope that you found it worthy of Your time and that you will come back often. I shall be following you!! Oh, I have found the book “Poemcrazy” to be so helpful for me in the process of doing what you have done here – unlocking hidden feelings. I would highly recommend it to you – check the Amazon reviews. It is such good therapy for the Soul and leaves a beautiful gift for you and others.

    Please come visit my “The One Who Always Loves Me”. I hope it will bring peace and joy to Your Heart!!
    XXTheReluctantPoetOO

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    1. Oh wow, I am so touched by this beautiful and encouraging comment. thank you so much. You’re right – be mom! There are so many different ways to be a mother, and all of them important. and thanks for the recco. will def check it out. hugs xox

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  31. This is a great article, a very good read that I will admit that I did learn from, thank you for being so honest and open about reality. I am going to reblog this article for you.

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  33. I cannot begin to tell you how touched I am by this article. I had debilitating anorexia, yet didn’t find out about my infertility until I had cervical cancer. My stance on pro life is the same as yours. Sadly, although I know Jesus has forgiven me and I have repented, I could not see another way during my first two pregnancies. That was 33 years ago. I am still haunted by my decision, but have learned to let go and God. The hardest part was losing the only child my husband and I had to a miscarriage. You see, the doctor never told me I couldn’t have children after my cervical cancer operation. I found out at the gynecologist’s office the day I lost our child. God bless you baby girl. xo

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    1. Hi Michele, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you can relate on such a personal level. And gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult of a road that was to endure. Gosh, thank you for sharing this with me. know that you are in my heart and prayers. big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  35. I love your willingness to share. I am at the same time wondering why you are not receiving the help you need. I would like to introduce you to Dr. and Pastor Henry Wright who has written a great book entitled : A more excellent way. He has quite a track record for teaching and seeing healings in the specific areas you have mentioned. He is for real no kidding, please consider checking him out and his ministry..
    Pastor Manny Rodriguez Siloam Ministries Phoenix Az.

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  38. *hugs* I said all I wanted to say about our different understandings etc. of feminist in the other post. Just wanted to say that I hope you find your way to your dream.

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  40. My heart aches for you. I hate to see anyone as full of life hurt to the extent it seems you have been. I personally agreed with everything you said. I think you were spot on however remember the truth hurts and that is why you might got some of the remarks you did. They couldn’t take the truth. Praying for you and stick to your thoughts. God bless you.

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  41. I so applaude the maturity of your young years. I have been fighting for the preservation of our children with the planned demise of their very being for years. Abortion, pedophiles, human traffickers, education, data mining, the removal of G od in their lives, their very gender identification to the end of removing their souls to be replaced by a very black world – to no avail, So many Parents into “it’s all about me”, I’m busy, I want my sex and the heck with the consequences – is all a form of child abuse no matter what name you give it. So selfish, these parents have no idea of the precious gifts they have been given. Be proud of you and God will bless you with the precious gems you so desire!

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  42. Thank you so much Diane, for sharing your thoughts. children are definitely precious gifts from above. Hugs and love xox

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  43. YOU….ARE…..AMAZING! My gosh!! I feel your heart in this post and the courage it took to be so very vulnerable with the world. I agree with you 100%!!!
    I believe that feminism should not be the right to deny the beautiful things that make us truly and uniquely female. How beautifully you expressed your perspective!!!
    May God continue to use your powerful testimony to bring light to the darkness in this world. I feel all the more inspired to keep sharing mine as well 😊👊

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