Seeing RED 

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

*sigh* This post is going to be difficult to write.

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The saying goes, never judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes…or something like that.

And I’ve learned over the years that as much as I hate those cliched little nuggets, they actually hold a lot of truth. Stand the test of time.

I’ve been wanting to respond to my recent post on Feminism for a while now. It garnered quite the diverse feedback. And I appreciate that so much. One of the cool things about an online community like this is that people bring with them all their experiences and perspectives. We all are on different journeys, and I sincerely enjoy learning and listening to every person.

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After that last post, there were numerous reflections that took offense at my statements about motherhood:

The very essence of being female is the ability to bear children. Bring life into the world. That is the one and only thing that is uniquely female. That is the aspect of being a woman that is what should be celebrated and cherished and protected. And, in the name of feminism, we’re fighting to squelch that? Fighting to suppress that exclusively female gift? That, in my opinion, is the exact opposite of feminism.

But I’ve wanted to respond to the backlash I received from this very statement. It’s taken me this long, because honestly, my heart has been hurt by many of these replies, and it has taken me a little extra time to muster the courage to respond.

As you all are very well aware, I had a severe case of anorexia in high school, and then an equally dire relapse in college.

But there’s a dirty little secret about anorexia that not many people realize, and that I have personally not shared yet. But there is a devastating consequence of this disease that many sufferers experience, even after they are “healed.”

And that’s…

Infertility.

And typing that out, my heart is just heavy with devastation. It’s one of those things that I’ve just locked away in a box and thrown away the key. Figuring that if I never uttered it, it wouldn’t actually be true. Ignorance…or rather, denial…is bliss.

But the fact is, here I am a mid twenty-something, and I’ve never menstruated.


I developed anorexia right on the cusp of puberty in high school. And at the same time, I was simultaneously diagnosed with ulcerative colitis – an incurable autoimmune disease.

So it was really the “perfect storm” of my body truly fighting to stay alive, that that part of my development just never happened.

So when I talk about women being the crown of creation, and that motherhood is the essence of womankind, it is coming from a heart that has mourned that gift. A heart that breaks that I will not be able to offer that gift to my husband. My family. Myself.

But a heart that knows that God will make me a mother one way or another. God has put that longing in my heart, and will not let it go to waste. There are other forms of motherhood : adoption, spiritual motherhood, fostering love for my nieces and other children in my life.

And I don’t put a miracle past God either.

Not being able to bear children – whether through infertility, menopause, life situation, what-have-you…that does not mean that you are not fully female, as many people assumed I was proposing.

Far from it.

And I bet those women will tell you that those “mothering” qualities have been lived out in other, nearly-as-fullfilling ways.

And I know that that yearning and loss my heart has wrestled with, has added to the depth and character of my own feminine qualities. It has given me a perspective that I bring to each and every encounter I have. It is a “bag” – or a jewel, rather – that I carry with me on my journey.

So that, like in this community, we can all come together and collective converse, coming from different paths with different perspectives.

And that, is one of mine to offer.

Why am I pro-life?

Because my heart has mourned the loss of truly, the life that I am not able to carry into this world.

The life that makes a woman a mother.

The life that makes a woman’s love life-giving. 

The life that is the result of our feminine power.


God will not forsake the love I long to give. Not to a future husband. Not to a future child. Perhaps my motherhood role will just look slightly different. But in no way does it decrease my worth. Make me any less of a woman.

I may feel that at times.

But God will make beauty from ashes.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

625 thoughts on “Seeing RED ”

  1. This post is an eye-opener. Not for one second did I ever believe that you meant to offend anyone with your post on feminism. You don’t seem to be that kind of a person, I see you as a person with a heart of gold. With that being said, God will light your path with regard to your having children in your life and I wish only the best for you. XOXOXO – Annebella

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Annebella. I am really touched by your encouraging words. I do believe that God can turn the darkness into light! He can do all things 🙂 Thanks for being so amazing. big big hugs xox

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  2. Loved your post.. Seeing Red… Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your heart, your loss and most of all your faith that God is the God who cherishes life, love and all of our hopes and dreams. After all, He is the giver of life…and the desires of our hearts!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much – The Giver of Life – yes! I had forgotten about that name, but it really hits home with me. I know it’s kind of silly, but there’s something about all the different names for God that really resonate with me at different times and speak to my soul. Like, Author of Live, or Word made Flesh or Prince of Peace, etc. I had forgotten about Giver of Life, and well, it really works in this particular situation! thanks for the encouragement. big hugs xox

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    1. Thank you so much Victoria. You are so kind to say that. I do believe that — that God will be there, and that He has a good and perfectly timed plan. i just need to trust and cling to that hope. thanks again. big hugs xox

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  4. Amazing and vulnerable post. Don’t give up hope.
    I might catch hell for saying this but God has taught me how to deal with the spiritual roots of a lot of issues that once delt with bring very quick and even immediate physical healing. If you are interested, send me an email. At the very least I can encourage you and point you in the right direction.

    May God’s favor rest on you today.

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    1. Oh thank you so much! You’re right, I’ve gotta cling to that hope. Wow, it sounds like God has really moved in your life. that is so awesome 🙂 He is good!! Thanks again for the encouragement. big big hugs xox

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  6. I’m sorry you had so many hurtful responses on your other post. Unfortunately there are always going to be people who disagree with someone else.
    I think I speak for the majority of people when I say I support you and I hope your life starts getting easier.

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  7. My dear friend,

    Even if it is not in your fate to have children, then nevertheless you bring life into the world with your beautiful heart. The purpose of life is not just getting children and the children later are getting again children (this is a kind of loop, a merry-go-round that does not bring really sense and purpose into life). However, to discover the mysteries of life and death to find the key to open us for wider spiritual horizons that will bear fruit. Then our longing for truth, love and God will be pregnant with it – some day to give birth to new a truth – to bring real life into the world with the language of your heart.

    Thank you, dear friend 🙂
    Hugs from heart to heart
    Didi

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    1. Hi Didi, oh thank you so much for this beautiful response. you are always so generous with your kindness. it means so much. You’re so right. We need to seek His face and the mysteries of life and death — i like that. I’ve never thought of it like that before, but that is such an awesome perspective. that really resonated with me. thank you for sharing that. big hugs from my heart to yours 🙂 xox

      Liked by 1 person

  8. You are courageous. And you have the right to own your personal vision of feminism, motherhood, womanhood. It’s yours to fill in any way that fits in your heart ❤

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  9. Anytime you offer thoughts to the public – risk and reward are present. I believe you handled your feelings with grace, and their feelings with grace. You didn’t get nasty or call names and I commend you for that. I also love the strength you’ve found out of the darkness, and you are likely leading and mothering more people than you know. Thank you for taking a risk and sharing. 💜

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

    I think that this post and your previous post are courageous and beautiful. They are the post of a woman who is not afraid to be a woman.

    I do not understand people who are not pro life. How can anyone be pro death. You are either one or the other and I choose life. I do not condemn any woman who has had an abortion. That act will be a burden that woman carries forever. But that is not what I want to write about at this moment. I am a man. Men have overwhelming urges to fix things, including people. Thus, the maleness in me demands that I encourage you to discuss your infertility with a fertility specialist. There are many things that can be done to treat your condition. One of my relatives had a similar problem and with the help of a fertility specialist she conceived and derived a healthy baby. This may not be possible for you which leaves the option one of my cousins took: adoption. She now has two beautiful adopted children that we all consider as much family as any “blood relative”.

    Having said the above, I encourage you to remember God’s word given in Matthew 19:26: With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

    You are absolutely correct: the most feminine thing a woman can do is to have a child. To date, no man has ever had a baby. Men and women are equal but not the same. God does not love men more than women or women more than men. He made them to be complementary. Some men stay home and raise the children. I have a brother-in-law who does this. I have had other male friends who have done this; however, no man has ever birthed a baby. In a way women are more versatile than men. Men can take care of children, even babies, but they cannot have them or breast feed them. I once heard a renowned founder of the feminist movement say that she did not fight for women to be free from pregnancy, house keeping, and being a mommy; but, rather she fought for women to have the choice to do this. In other words, she thought that liberating women meant giving them the choice to be a factory foreman or a stay at home mom, the choice to have children or not. Being a feminist, to this woman, did not mean rejecting motherhood, it meant choice. Not choice as in to have an abortion but choice in determining one’s own destiny (I suspect that this woman would have supported abortion on demand but she did not discuss this in the talk I heard).

    Not all women are able to have children. You may be in this group. (But, I want you to see a fertility specialist to determine whether medicine can offer you hope!!!!!) However, infertility does not diminish your status as a child of God. Infertility may be the thorn in your side.

    Even if I wanted to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will credit me with more than he sees in me or hears from me, or with these surpassingly great revelations. So to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.… 2 Corinthians 12: 6-8

    We are never told whether God removed the thorn from Paul’s side. We are only told what God said to Paul:

    “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

    Paul then tells us:

    Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
    2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

    You have your thorn. You have born the insults of presenting a Christian view of feminism. Take on the strength of Christ. See an infertility specialist. Consider adoption. Unleash your mothering through your writing. Use your thorn to glorify Christ. Do what you can do.

    Delight in insults, hardships and persecutions undertaken for Jesus. Remember, it is not all about you, it is all about Him. Sill, pour your sorrow into His well and He will return to you living waters, He will sooth your troubled soul. Just as Jesus wept (John 11: 35) for Lazarus , and He weeps for you. He understands your pain.

    You are not barren unless you choose to be. You may not birth a child but being barren is a choice. If you continue to follow Jesus’ last commandment you will not be barren.

    “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must llove one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” —John 13:34–35 (KJV)

    Do this and your life will flow out into others and you will have brothers and sisters and spiritual children. This may be where God wants you to use your mothering talents; but, do not give up on fertility. If you still have a uterus and ovaries you must remember Philippians 4:13:
    I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

    Do not give up hope. Yet again I tell you:
    With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. With God all things are possible. Amen to that, Oogata. Thanks for sharing these beautiful verse with me. it really means a lot. Your encouragement and prayers are so appreciated. big hugs xox

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  11. I understand this pain. I was told at 19 after a miscarriage that I had been rendered sterile due to the circumstances around it. For a long time I resented God, the universe, and everything because of it. Doesn’t matter that the doctor was either wrong or I’ve been blessed with healing no one expected to happen. I struggled with it for years as a result and I was prepared to look into adoption, but 5 pregnancies later I have 3 boys. My cousin wasn’t so lucky and she has often expressed to me similar feelings you have shared in this post. It always saddens me to hear this and know it will be different for her. It saddens me to know it’s different for you too.

    I know this might not make sense to anyone else, but this is why I’m pro-choice. The choice needs to go both ways. When I miscarried I felt the choice was robbed from me. Now I’m Bipolar and have become aware that around the world people are sterilized against their will due to mental disorders. Their right to choose is being robbed from them. Yes, these issues are connected and are related. Like I said, the choice needs to go both ways. No one should have the legal right to make those choices for you.

    Years after my miscarriage, trauma brought me to a place where I had to make that choice. I don’t regret the decision I made but I do resent the circumstances around the it. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but I’m grateful I live somewhere that the choice was available to me.

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    1. Oh friend, I am so sorry that you can relate on such a personal level. It just breaks my heart to read the journey you’ve had to walk. But gosh, praise God that you have your boys. Gosh, that just makes me tear up a little bit. I am so happy for you. And thank you for sharing your perspective. Everyone’s experiences shape their beliefs, and I definitely respect that. so glad you stopped by. big hugs to you xo

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      1. I don’t think any of us that have experienced this pain would ever wish it upon anyone else. So far I haven’t met anyone that would at least. I do believe God has a plan for you – just as He did when you came home to your family. We might not see it or understand it, but it’s there waiting for us to find it. ❤

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      1. It is all true. Never allow anyone to cause you to feel or think of yourself as being anything else than the beautiful part of creation that God has made you to be…hugs and kisses

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  13. In the Gospel accounts in Lent we have heard so much of Jesus seeking out those who need healing – for me all of us are in this place at some point in our lives.

    The message for me is about Jesus making us whole again simply with his love and forgiveness.

    I believe all are called to do “a definite service” and are born to do whatever God has planned us to do. Your journey is special and unique, even with the crosses to carry or the unexpected challenges you face.

    Thanks for being brave, honest and open with sharing the journey and your faith mad trust in God. I guess that’s what discipleship is all about.

    Love & prayers x

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    1. Thank you so much Rob. I can’t begin to express how much I appreciate your prayers and encouragement. Yes! His love and forgiveness are incredibly healing. Thanks for this. it really resonated with me. hugs xox

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  14. I haven’t read your “feminism” post yet – work has been overwhelming as of late – however I will give it a go soon! I have two children of my own, but can no longer bear children due to brain tumors that affected certain other body functions (i.e. menstruation), so although our situations aren’t identical, I can sympathize. And I understand grieving and yearning – my understanding goes into great depths! – for things – passions! – that the Lord has placed in my heart, but has not brought to fruition yet. I’m growing weary trying to be patient, but I know God is good, and He holds me in the palm of His hand! He holds you, too! He loves you and not only wants the best for you, He KNOWS what’s best for you! Find comfort in His goodness and unfailing love (and in knowing you are not alone)!

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    1. Hi there friend, thank you so much for sharing your story. Gosh, I am so sorry to hear that you can relate so personally. I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers. Yes, being patient is one of life’s challenges, isn’t it? But God is good and His timing perfect. that’s what I keep telling myself! haha big big big hugs to you friend xx

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  15. Amen. Truly God does make beauty from ashes with all who call out on the Lord Jesus with a pure heart of faith. And you my friend are His. God is blessing you and others through you and your gifted words. Press on sister!

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  16. Caralyn, I’ve been following your posts for quite some time and I gotta say to you with a genuine heart that you have a beautiful soul. Cherish it, continue to let God in it. This recent post tells me how courageous you are! The struggles you embrace make you a living saint. From a fellow Catholic, I will include you in my prayers. God bless!

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    1. Hey there friend. Oh my gosh, you are seriously so kind. thank you. You’re right, I’ve got to keep inviting God into my heart every day. And thank you so much for your prayers. Know that you are also in mine 🙂 you are a blessing to me. big hugs xox

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  18. Wow.

    I did not know this about you. It’s understandable, though.

    I’m a big fan of adoption. There are a lot of unwanted children out there, and a lot of children who are born to parents who can’t take care of them. I have a wonderful niece and nephew* (twins) who are adopted, yet they fit right in to our family and it has never been an issue. I know a little bit about why their bio-mom gave them up for adoption, and they certainly are a lot better off than if they had stayed with their bio-mom.

    *technically first cousins once removed, not niece and nephew, but it’s easier to say sometimes

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    1. Thanks so much Pi 🙂 You’re so generous with your encouragement. it means seriously, so much. I agree – adoption is such a beautiful thing, and I look forward to doing that one day, if it by His will! And thanks for sharing that about your niece and nephew. What an awesome thing. thanks for stopping by. have a great weekend. big hugs xx

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  19. Miss Caralyn,

    You are brave to tell that statement you have with motherhood. And I agree with you, bearing a child is indeed one a character only a female could possess, and it shouldn’t be suppressed. No, not at all. I am pro-life too, and at some point, I’ve declared to myself that I am a feminist. Like Emma Watson, Emily Ratajkowski, Maya Angelou and alot more. But feminism is real confusing. The topic you had was really controversial, and I’d like to commend you for your bravery to stand up with your point. Wow. You’re easily becoming an icon for me. Keep on keeping Miss Caralyn, Ill pray for you. Hope to meet you someday. God bless!

    Tessa Jane Palmiano

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    1. Thank you so much Tessa. Gosh, what a kind thing to say. I am so touched by your words. You’re right, there are so many different aspects of feminism. It can be confusing! hahah oh gosh, you’re funny. Thank you for your prayers and support. I would love to grab a coffee one day if you’re ever in NYC! 🙂 Thanks again for your kindness. big hugs xox

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  20. I think it’s really great you’ve responded to your previous post on feminism, particularly on the topic above. I was one of the people who commented on the motherhood aspect, although I very much hope I wasn’t one of the people who was nasty at all about it.

    Having explained it as you have, I feel I understand much better where you are coming from. So thank you for this.

    It’s probably worth bearing in mind that as a rule of thumb, people’s reactions to controversial issues generally say more about them than about the person they are responding to.

    For example, I wrote how I’ve never felt maternal or wanted children. I hope my response didn’t come across too negatively, but my response came from years of negative responses from others for not wanting children, and so this is a sore spot for me. I have even had a family member say that God gave us these bodies therefore basically it is one of our purposes on earth to bear children, as women. She said I would change my mind one day, when I met the right guy. I am in my 30s and feel no different. It was very hurtful and upsetting. So my reaction to your post came with a lot of my own baggage. Others posts would have too.

    It was very brave of you to share your story of how your anorexia has affected you, in terms of your fertility. I too am in recovery from anorexia but I also suffer from the incurable autoimmune disease system lupus (SLE). For me it was my diagnosis at 21 that finally triggered the full blown anorexia.

    So thank you again for your continued courage and openess. I am sure you will find a way of honouring those loving maternal feelings you have; you clearly have a fighting spirit, so I don’t doubt you will find a way.

    Take care of yourself, Natalie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Natalie, thank you so much for this thoughtful response. No no not at all! I loved our dialogue on that post! And honestly, I love hearing people’s journeys and insights and perspectives. Gosh, I’m so sorry that our stories relate on so many levels. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. those AI diseases are no joke. Thanks again for sharing your heart. you are a blessing to me 🙂 big big hugs xox

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  21. I really admire you for being so brave and so honest on this truth of your personal life, your personal struggle and personal disappointment. I thank you for your genuine hope and a very strong faith on how powerful God is and on what He can do amazingly in your personal battle. Please do not lose hope and keep your light shine. Thanks for inspiring a woman like me.

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    1. Hi Jirah, thanks so much for your kind words. I think you’re absolutely right: God has a plan for all of us. one that is good and so I will cling to that hope. And i also believe in miracles 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and for encouraging me so well! hugs xox

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  22. I tried to understand ED through you. Rather than read everything. I’m sorry. Before my divorce, I put my kids to bed. Every night for like five years. You can’t put that, in a divorce decree. I feel that hole maybe it’s um, similar to what you feel. I hope you find someone NY is big, maybe they’re stuck in Buffalo. It’s easy to get stuck there.

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    1. Hey Kenzie, oh that breaks my heart to hear that you can relate so personally. I’m sorry about that. I’m sure that that time is also a missing hole in their hearts too. Maybe. Yeah, Buffalo…could be 🙂 thanks for sharing that. sending lots and lots of love xox

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      1. I’ll put your love in a jar and keep it next to my other valuables. Under my sleeping bag.

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      3. You did, bring your purpose to Feminism. Maybe, the fuss is over projected meaning from media. Protests use extremes as much as conservatives use extremes an example is Trump’s plan to annihilate all Muslims. That’s a billion people, a little extreme and goes against the religious freedom granted by our Constitution. A conservative left protest is the million woman March. It looked great on television but needed more meaning to be effective long term. I grew up with my native tribe’s stories of persecution and near genocide by the emerging American government. That should put me far far left but, I had to assimilate because there was no other way. The path of the Indian was removed to make way for strip malls and, progress. To choose a side always leaves someone out. Progress is creating something that can benefit everyone. Our current way of progress is not like this.

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      4. To choose a side always leaves someone out…wow. when you put it that way, it really hits hard. gosh, lots to think about. thank you for sharing this. makes you look at shopping malls differently too … hugs xox

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  23. Well done on writing so honestly and openly. I think you’ve responded well to two challenges. The first is when we as humans want a different agenda and different priorities to God’s. We see things that God values as of less value. N.b there are a lot of things men see as the marks of success that are not too. The other is to reject the good of something when it isn’t immediately available to us. That God puts marriage and then children at the heart of the creation blessing is hard when either of those don’t seem possible to me personally but when we see Gods plan for all of us as his children to be included in his blessing with the church as his bride then there is hope.

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    1. Thanks Dave. That’s kind of you to say. You’re so right, His blessings are poured out to us, and sometimes we don’t recognize them because they may not look like the cookie cutter version of what we think they should be. But His plans are always good. thanks for sharing that awesome perspective. big hugs xx

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  24. Also meant to mention a book tip “The Essence of Feminism by Kirsten Birkett. Hope it’s available in the US but great evaluation from an Evangelical former feminist

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  25. Thanks for being brave and sharing this. You are so true… Motherhood takes on many forms. I am an adoptive mother and also have special friends who are like second moms to my children and they are better because of them. Love and prayers to you!!

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    1. Thanks Tammy. I appreciate you sharing that. I think that is so beautiful how you’ve welcomed children into your home. You’re so right – it takes many forms indeed. thanks for the prayers and encouragement. big hugs xox

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  26. My heart just cried for your pain. And for another young woman I know who walked in shoes similar to yours. I did not know this aspect of the disease. I do know my cousin, who also battled this, has two boys from her body, so yes..there is hope. And miracles. Blessings.

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    1. Oh Kris, thank you so much my friend. Oh wow thank you for sharing that. Yes. Here is hope. And I 100% believe in miracles and that God is capable of working one for me. Thanks again for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  27. I’ve just been over to your Feminism post to see what the fuss is about.

    Wow, 536 replies! How do you find the time to read them all? But I guess with so many folk reading your blog, you are bound to get those who either oppose your views or misunderstand what you are trying to say.

    Sorry to hear about the infertility issue – did you lose your hair aswell?

    Yes you are right that there are several options available to you including divine healing and I’m sure your future husband will be the perfect one to understand what you are going through, then you can have the joy, yes joy of making that decision together.

    Oh Caralyn, I do really hope that he’s one of your regular followers so that you will have less explaining to do when you finally meet him. I am sure he probably is out there, silently reading your posts and praying for the right time to introduce himself. You are very beautiful and I’m sure your lovely face must have attracted a suitable suitor by now…God has a funny way of planning stuff like that when we are totally unaware of what he’s up to! 😉

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    1. Thank you so much Sharon. You’re so kind to encourage me like that! Gosh, that gives me so much hope (and a bit of a stomach ache!!) to think of my future husband reading my posts! Haha but God works in amazing and mysterious ways! And thanks. Yes I did lose my hair as well. So grateful that it grew back in with gusto! Haha Hugs and love xox

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  30. You are a light in a world that is becoming darker. Baring your soul may attract pain but you lift this old man’s spirit, although the post on your father at once shamed me and lifted me. Thank you Caralyn.

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  31. I clicked ‘like’ not because I like the content/news in this post, exactly, but because I like the heart that wrote it. You’re a brave woman, and teaching us how to mourn is itself a gift.

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  32. It can’t be denied that being able to bring forth life, is an integral part of the female experience, but I’m not sure if a biological connection is everything? Fortunately unconditional love has the capacity to move beyond even the biological and based on your experience it makes perfect sense that you value the ultimate gift known as “life”

    Thank you for being bold enough to share such a personal story because for every person that may be “offended” by your words,equally there are people who are “inspired” by your truth.

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  33. Beautifully and honestly written! It also reminds me that I need to realize that people may not be saying or writing things to offend me but as a result of very real hurt and loss.

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  34. You are one of the people who give me great joy to be living right now. My first response was to have been “Oh crap Caralyn!” And then I realised that was my response – not yours. You cause me to pause and consider what lies beneath in each of us. And that is a rare gift. I am grandparent to an adopted wee lad. Biology is reproduction – and not to be dismissed. But nor should love and life. As you write so beautifully.
    So forgive me an “Oh crap” on your behalf. Even if only makes just me feel a bit better. ((hugs))

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    1. Hi friend 🙂 Oh my gosh, you are just so kind. thank you 🙂 wow. I am sincerely humbled and touched by the generosity in your words. You’re right – love and life should not be dismissed. I think adoption is a beautiful expression of that love, and gift of life. I love this powerful perspective. thanks again for sharing it with me. big hugs xox

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  35. I have just started in the blog world and in doing so stumbled into your site. I am slowly getting caught up on your life. I love this post AND the post on feminism. If there is one subject that makes me want to break my no-political talk rule, it is that one… Yes, somehow feminism has become political. (I agree with so much of your stance.)
    I also agree that God has a way of providing… He will make sure your heart is full (if you let him).

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  36. There is strength, courage, honor, faith, and hope in your response. Thank you for setting the bar high as a writer. The positivity of faith and strength of love came through in your words.

    While bearing children is a uniquely female calling and contribution to life and the Kingdom of God, the female role and contribution is rich and deep beyond even child-bearing. It takes both female and male to completely bear the image of our God; the richness and fullness of that image is found in the expression of both. There is divine strength, wisdom, beauty, tenderness, power, glory, and so much more that is uniquely the female aspect of the image. Indeed, women are the crown of creation, and yes, motherhood is the essence of womankind. And there is so much more that goes with the role and honor of giving life.

    May our God meet you in the mourning of the loss. There are strengths and gifts you have found, unique and divinely sourced, that you evidence time and again in your writing. I celebrate these when I read your posts.

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    1. Thank you so much for this kind and thoughtful response. You’re right, there is so much more to being female than “just” bearing life. You’re right. 🙂 And gosh, I am so touched by your words. Thank you for your prayers and support. it means the world. massive hugs to you xox

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  37. My heart was heavy reading your post. I too struggle with the pain of infertility. I maybe never be able to have a child of my own and that weighs down me. Sometimes I feel in a dark mood.

    It hurts to see women stomp all over mothers and the ability to have children like it’s nothing special. They offend me when they act like it’s no big deal. It’s a very big deal if it’s something you can’t have.

    The longing and the pain of feeling betrayed by one’s own body.

    These women don’t understand, don’t even seem to want to try to understand, the agony of infertility and how badly we wish our bodies would work. Infertility is a knife lodged in the heart, and the ache never leaves.

    Sometimes I wonder what my child would have looked like if he had been born.

    The ability to be a mother is an ability that should be cherished because not all women are so blessed to possess it.

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    1. Hi Mara, oh thank you so much for sharing your heart. I’m sorry that you can relate to this so personally, and please know that my heart and prayers are with you. That’s so true. It is a gift that should be cherished. Gosh, I’m sending you the biggest hugs right now. thank you for sharing this with me. sending all my love. xoxox

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  38. I find your posts so refreshing. Your honesty. Your vulnerability. I appreciate how you speak your truth without fear of backlash. Being Pro-Life does not mean you are anti-feminist. I struggle with feeling the need to defend my position every day because of my pro-life views.
    My heart goes out to you for the physical effects of your battle with anorexia. How wonderful it is that we can put our faith in God – the great Physician – and know that by His stripes, we were healed. I believe that God will give you the desires of your heart – in whatever form – especially since I like to think that motherhood is pretty high on his priority list.
    Blessings to you! 🙂

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    1. Oh Haley, thank you so much. What a kind note. I really appreciate your encouragement. Thanks for that – you’re right, we really can put our faith in Him. and the great Physician! I love that name for Him! so hopeful! thanks for stopping by! big hugs xox

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  41. Thanks for the super honest post! I hope your body can still be healed, and whether or not this happens, I hope motherhood happens for you.
    I remember all the crazy backlash Joss Whedon faced because Black Widow mourned her infertility in Age of Ultron. It was astonishing how vicious some of the attacks were for many reasons, but the primary one was simply the biological reality: only women can birth babies.
    I cannot, for the life of me, understand why people downplay this incredible reality.

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    1. Thanks Lee, I really appreciate that. I hope so too. And you’re right, motherhood, when you really think about it, is pretty miraculous. and awesome! thanks for the encouragement. big hugs xox

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  43. Thank you for sharing. A couple thoughts: First, so long as you are presenting your position in a respectful manner, coming from a place of authenticity, and devoid of spite for those who disagree, no one should feel entitled to demean you. In the current divisive, highly polarized environment in which we’re living, I’ve found that when we’re able to engage in rational, measured, authentic dialogue with those “across the aisle” from us, we almost always find more points of agreement than of disagreement. To quote Kurt Vonnegut: “Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency.”

    Second, and related to the first point, I would point out that many, if not all, issues which appear binary are actually not. A coin does *not* have two sides. It has three. When flipping a coin there is a non-zero probability that it will land on its third side — its edge. We forget about the edges when we’re dealing with coins. Until someone’s coin becomes a cylinder. And then a rod, so that there’s only a tiny probability of it landing on one of its ends. What you have done here is remind us that, like us, you have an edge, and that it bears acknowledgement.

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    1. Hi John, thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. This offered some really great food for though. you’re right, i think if we look hard enough, we will find common ground, even in the most divisive of issues, and therein lies the ope 🙂 And I love that image of the edge of a coin! i love that! Here’s to the edge!! 🙂 thanks again. big hugs xo

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  45. Thanks for your bravery, your honesty, and for being real. And since I know that your anorexia was a symptom of a greater trauma (Though I don’t know what it was) my heart goes out to you even more. I hope you have been able to share that with people who have the wisdom to truly help. God’s richest and best to you!!

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  46. How beautiful. My heart knows that God has incredible, amazing, and overwhelming future in store for you. Be encouraged, what lies ahead of you is far better than what is behind – the best is coming. The sun is rising – and it’s beautiful.

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  49. Oh, I wish I could just give you a big hug! The fact that you were so willing to share this on an incredibly large platform is inspiring to me. I’m so glad that you are clinging onto the truth that God is still good even though He isn’t going to allow you to experience the gift of conceiving and birthing a child. God does allow other ways to be a mother, and I’m soooo glad you recognize that. 🙂

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  50. You are courageous. In the face of backlash, to not step aside from your convictions is brave. To not retaliate is strength. Keep your head held high, and may God shine his countenance upon you always.

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