Permission to Let Go

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Well, I just finished my book.

I’ll hold for applause.

Juuuuuust kidding. 🙂 Although, it is exciting, and I did a little happy dance last night to some Broadway show tunes to commemorate the occasion.

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But it’s been really interesting to have to go back. To put myself back in that place, ten years ago, when I was going to inpatient for my anorexia. Which, wouldn’t you know, upon my entrance, I was in denial that I even had an eating disorder at all, and was adamant that I wasn’t anorexic.

And as I’ve been writing, I’ve realized just how much I am not that girl anymore. I can barely even recognize myself. And I’m not just talking about the glaringly obvious physical transformation. The truth is, I barely recognize my heart.

But it’s been really powerful – and monstrously difficult – to mentally go back and think about what I would say to that girl. What I would say to that girl who is hurting. Angry. Alone. Terrified. Anxious. Exhausted. Defeated. What would I say to her, who is at the absolute lowest point in her life?

What would get through to her? Because honestly, what I needed to hear is not exactly “first date” conversation. It took an intense intervention, with a close family friend getting two inches away from my nose, looking me dead in the eyes, saying, “Do you know what you’re doing to your father?” But that’s a story for another day.

What I’ve come to realize, while writing this book and simultaneously caring for my mom during her stroke recovery, is that I think sometimes, we’re looking for permission to let go of something that is bad for us.

Which sounds incredibly simple.

But I think we all can find ourselves at one point or another with a death grip on something that is – either blatantly or conspicuously – destructive. Something that gives us a false sense of control. A distorted sense of comfort.

Sometimes we’re desperate for someone to tell us that it’s okay to let it go.

Because it’s scary to let go of what’s been sustaining us. Giving up that which has been our way to cope with the world. Manage our fear and anxiety. Give us purpose. We ruthlessly protect it, even if it’s bad for us. Perhaps, especially if it’s bad for us.

We let go, and then what? We’re in a free fall? We’ve lost control. What will become of us? Life will be unbearable. How can I give up that which has been keeping me ‘alive?’

But what we don’t respect, is that all the striving and the hanging-on-for-dear-life we’re doing, is exhausting. We’re desperately tired and worn, but that absolute need for control and fear-management, it overrides that exhaustion.

We need someone to give us permission to let it go.

Because, if we really look inside our hearts, we’ve been looking for that permission all along.

The thing is, I am not the person who has the authority to tell anyone that. Sure, I may suggest it and present the life-changing ramifications of a life let go. But ultimately, that comes down to her and God.

She’s got to trust that He’s going to catch her. She’s got to trust that He will become that life source, that comfort, that sustenance for her. She has to deem Him dependable.

 It’s been so interesting to be writing this book here. In this time. During this season of regrowth and renewal for my mom after her stroke in December. Because there are nights when I realize that everything I’ve been writing, it’s as though it were written just for my mom, too.

We’re all recovering from something.

And we all are somewhere in the process of relinquishing the control that we’re clinging to, and trusting that the Father will truly have our best interest at heart.

It’s a delicate balance.

And a maneuver that takes a lifetime to come to fruition.

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I’m finding myself still working on that give-and-take, that push-and-pull with God over control. Except this time, it’s not about weight gaining supplements and meal plans, but things like, future plans, not fearing my current place in life, worries about finding love. The things of a typical 20-something-home-assisting-her-mother’s-stroke-recovery.

So what would I say?

Going back to that scared, hurting girl on the precipice of the most grueling and frightening fight for her life?

He’s got you. Let Him have you.

And perhaps, I need to hear that too.

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Sometimes, what we hold onto – what we’re afraid of letting go – is actually prohibiting us from being free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

350 thoughts on “Permission to Let Go”

    1. Hey Dan, thanks for sharing that. I respect your belief, and I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. Yeah, I definitely do believe that. I don’t know how I could make it though this life without it 🙂 But that’s just me 🙂 big hugs to you x

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      1. In the end, I don’t know if it all really matters. Don’t we all just end up in the refuse pile, anyway? But, thanks for the smileys and the “hugs” and “x”. You know, if I were still in algebra class, I’d wonder what you were up to, throwing such a common-place variable at me like that.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. oh yea? Well, I didn’t think of it that way. But just so’s I don’t get misunderstood, I’ll restate it in plain American English: The abyss is very deep, and just in case that magical hand doesn’t catch the one who starts to fall, just sayin’…it’s a long way down. And there’s really no way back to the land of the living. There. I said it. No gate. No key. No exit.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. This was such a lovely blog and just what I needed to hear! It’s pretty cool how God speaks through others😊 Also as an aspiring author I commend your hard work!!! I would love to read your book!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh gosh, thank you so much! I’m so glad that this resonated with you! And gosh, that’s such awesome encouragement right now. Same to you! Keep up the hard work!! 🙂 Would love to read yours someday as well! hugs xo

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  6. Aweplause! So proud of you! One of the mysteries of faith to me is what I see as there being strength in surrender. God has placed you exactly where He wants you to be so He can reveal more to you than if you were some place else.
    In honor of your book and your perfect dance selection, I will build you a cake! You are talented, beautiful and so loved by God. Just continue to draw near to him. Your testimony is going to touch many hearts and change many lives! I am so proud of you. You are in my prayers.

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    1. hahah aww thank you so much Rick. Oh yes, there is *so* much strength in surrender. This is such a sweet note. I cherish it 🙂 Thanks again for your continued prayers. you’re a great friend. big big hugs xox

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  8. Yayyyyy!!!!!!! Finishing that first draft is so awesome and a huge accomplishment! It’s going to be awesome to see how many more people you help through your book. It’s funny, I very recently felt called to write a book about my alcoholism, and sobriety. So I TOTALLY understand the “I don’t even recognize that person anymore” thoughts as I’m reliving those moments. I’m so glad we found each other on the interwebs. 🙂 Rock on girlfriend, rock on!

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      3. You’re welcome! When we struggle, we often believe we are all alone. The more positive examples we can have of humans who have overcome our same struggles, the more of us will crawl out of our own misery. Thank you for being vulnerable, so that others may see your strength … and find their own.

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  12. Congrats on your book!!! It’s quite an experience. I wrote three novels in preparation for my Christian book series, and a couple weeks ago finished writing my third novel. For anyone who hasn’t gone through the writing, it’s quite unexplainable. Using everything God has given me to move forward and I’ve started to write my first book, as I feel prepared now.

    I remember reading one of your older posts, it was your youth pastor, I think, who tried to speak to you about your dad. And for those few seconds your eyes were opened before being clouded. It’s a very powerful moment indeed. I’d love to read anything you have to add to that. 🙂

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    1. aw thanks friend!!!! oh wow! Three novels! that’s incredible. way to go!!!! You’re right, writing is so cathartic. It is so healing to think about the journey you’ve taken and see God at work from hindsight. Yeah, that youth pastor is still in my life. I see his kids every monday. I am so blessed to have him in my life. 🙂 thanks for all of the reading you’ve been doing. you’re awesome! hugs xox

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      1. You are most welcome! Yes, I am working on a Christian Fiction/Fantasy series. Had the idea in 2013, and spent the last four years preparing myself, following God’s hand in guidance. I believe, whatever our work is, we need to be diligent and steadfast. Let Him prepare our foundation. I’m so glad your youth pastor is in your life. 🙂 My experience will be in a blog post later on, but it wasn’t a good experience unfortunately. I’m glad you had someone who was willing. Praying for you and your mom’s recovery
        ❤

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  14. He loves us regardless. He will never forsake us nor leave us. Three novels!! Awesome! An avid reader since I was a kid, I am always on the hunt to discover new authors.

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    1. amen to that! Yes He does! Oh gosh, I have not written three novels! haha — hopefully one day! This is the first book 🙂 but thanks for putting that out there 🙂 On the horizon 🙂 Thanks for stopping by! big hugs xox

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    1. Thank you so much Tamara! Yeah, it has definitely been quite the eye opening experience, but also so powerful to see the journey my life has taken. God is amazing indeed. thanks for stopping by! big hugs xo

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  17. What an important message of being able to let go. Hard to do! Congrats on finishing your book! Has it been published or did you just finish writing it, and waiting for it to be published? Can’t wait to read! Beautiful post, as always xx

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    1. thanks Jenny. I really appreciate that. No, not yet! just finished with the manuscript! There will be a big announcement when it’s ready to go! thanks for sharing in the excitement with me! big hugs xo

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  23. Congratulations and good luck with publishing and the rest of the way! And as you write, we’re all recovering from something. We just don’t always know it. You have a wonderful message and do a great job sharing it. Looking forward to hearing your publishing news. Congratulations! So happy for you. God bless.

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  26. First – Great job finishing your book! I want to reserve my copy as soon as possible!!! My thoughts for tonight are over at Patreon. I must say this was a challenging piece for me. I wasn’t quite sure what my reaction was. Then, of course, I come up with something out of “left field,” as they say.

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      1. I got home a few hours ago and am enjoying the evening with Julie. I’m glad my comments and those clips did something for you. I’ve discovered that often times movies contain something like Kirk’s speech that sound right. But when you stop and think about it, that’s sin talking. I’m sure the writer’s of The Final Frontier had no Christian ideas in their heads, but they certainly captured the poignancy of despair and pain! Thanks again for a very good article tonight!

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      2. Oh good! That makes me so glad to what. Yeah, how easy it is to make it sound right. That’s what makes it so slippery and sneaky. Great to “chat” with you Jeff! It’s always a highlight of my day! 🙂 hugs to Julie! Xox

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      3. Mine too! I look forward to your posts every week. They are always a great contemplation, get me thinking, and then the give and take with you. Julie is leaving for work and says “Hi” back to you!!

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  27. YAY you finished your book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is so great! 😀

    I know what you mean, but in my own experiences it’s been the hanging on I’ve fought for permission for. The hanging on to ‘bad’ things and the letting go of ‘good’. Maybe I’m naturally self-destructive. Actually, I know I’m naturally self-destructive–or I was. I so badly wanted an excuse to just trash my life for the misery of it all. *shrug* or maybe I was holding onto an idealistic picture I couldn’t ever live up to on the flip-side, whoa now I’m making myself think, haha. Either way, I always knew better, or there was some reason or other why I couldn’t. I’m sure I owe that to the care of Jesus.

    I’m sure you’re familiar with the quote ‘Let go and let God,’ something I learned through addiction is the harder you try not to, the more energy you put into stopping… that addiction just feeds off all that energy and uses all that power against you to keep you, but if you can let go and stop trying–which is sooo counter-intuitive to even Christian culture–and just focus on Jesus…it doesn’t make sense at first but that’s the only place you’ll ever find freedom from that thing, is in his beautiful face. And it’s true, I’m sure, for anything.

    Anyway, those are my thoughts for the evening. Have a wonderful weekend! 😀

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    1. Thank you so much Carson!!!! 🙂 ah yes, let go and let god – an oldie but a goodie. It’s a classic for a reason 🙂 oh my goodness, that is so true- it’s like the more you try to end a destructive habit, the harder it is to stop…amen – focusing on Jesus is the only way out. thanks for sharing these great thoughts! big hugs xox

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      1. You’re welcome!! (Being a writer who hasn’t really finished anything, I can only imagine the elation of that milestone) (:

        Okay actually you know what there’s something bigger than that (I knew there was something that just wasn’t sticcking in my brain). My struggle is that I never look ahead, only backward, and I spend my time, sometimes more, sometimes less but always a little bit wanting to do everything over differently, feeling like I got cheated. I mean, if I went back and talked to that me back then I would’ve said I went just about exactly where I wanted to go but…I can’t ever shake that I can’t ever feel like this reality is the right one for me. And I don’t know, maybe it’s selfish, maybe I just don’t have the right perspective but sometimes I’d give anything for it all to be totally different and go down a different path… it maybe doesn’t seem like much just saying it, it sounds like something anyone might think about but it’s a hella thing to not be able to let go of.

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      2. Oh my gosh, Carson, I have so struggled with that too — the feeling of having missed out on “the golden years” of youth. And it’s made me really sad and angry. but I just have to remember that God truly has better things in store for me. Yeah, I definitely feel ya there. Playing the “what would have happened if” game is never fun. You are who you are today because of the events in your past, and God is going to work them together for good. I know, suuuuper hard to let go of, but you know what, who you are today is awesome, and I’m glad it’s who you turned out to be!! 🙂 hugs xo

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      3. And that’s never the answer we want to hear, is it, haha 🙂 sad and angry, yeah. I’ve never really given myself permission to totally call it like it was, it’s one of those things I just repress because I know better–or I just know reality won’t accomodate, maybe.

        Anyway, thank-you for your kind words, it’s encouraging to be reminded I’m not the only person ever to experience that. To be always looking back, blech, it’s no wonder I used to be depressed!

        To happier future memories. (:

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      4. I’ve been there in the repression phase too. Isn’t it just amazing how we all have walked such different – and yet such similar – roads. It’s really incredible that we all can share in those shared experiences in our our individual way. 🙂 Yes. to happier future memories! big big hugs xox

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      5. That’s so true! There’s always a common *something* – and being a fairly albeit self-gauged empathetic person that’s so good because no one is ever really alone where they are (:

        And oh my gosh it’s finally the weekend! Happy Friday!!

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  31. “We are all recovering from something.” – such a powerful truth! Congratulations on the completion of your book! I am excited for your message to be out there. I know it will enhance the lives of all who read it. Sending continued prayers and positive energy for your mom in her recovery.

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  36. That’s FANtastic!!!👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 The completion of your book and identifying how the moment you said “Yes” to letting go & letting God, inevitably brought the completion of a former-self. How beautifully the two parallel one another! Hugs & continued blessings!!😘

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  39. It was a really good read for this early morning (really smells like 5 a.m.). Especially while we are going through lots of changes, only good thankfully, as a little family, totally reshaping our life.

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  42. Thank you so much for liking my latest blog “The Secret Notes” it really made my day and means so much to me … “Permission to Let go” blog was beautiful written and I enjoyed reading it 💝 Thank you again and enjoy your day!! ☺️

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  43. I know I already commented… but I had more thoughts on this that weren’t fully formed when I read it a few hours ago, and I was kind of in the middle of something at the time.

    I feel like I can’t let go because sometimes it feels like my faith is exactly what I’m holding on to that is holding me back. Sometimes I feel like if only I didn’t believe that I wanted to date a Christian woman, then I might actually go on more dates. If I didn’t feel like having sex on the first or second date was wrong and dishonoring to God, then maybe the women I do meet would be more interested in me and not disappear after a week or two. If only I was comfortable with drinking alcohol, then maybe I might have more social opportunities.

    However, I don’t think that core beliefs are things I should let go of. And what this probably means is that I need to find different people to be around, particularly more Christians. Sometimes it’s hard to determine what are core beliefs I should hold on to, and what are legalisms that I should let go of. And it’s scary, because usually it seems like God tells me to hold on to things like this. But are they hurting me in the long run? I don’t know.

    (I should add that I don’t believe that drinking in moderation is sinful or dishonoring to God in and of itself. Abstaining from alcohol is a choice that I have made, because I’ve seen alcohol ruin too many lives; my father is a recovering alcoholic, although he has been sober since 1982 so I’m too young to remember his alcoholism days; and I can see in myself some of the personality tendencies where I could turn to alcohol for the wrong reasons. But am I being too strict? How do I know that I don’t have enough self-control to drink in moderation and cut myself off at the right time? I don’t know, because I’ve never had a drink in my life. That’s the kind of thing I don’t know about. Everything is telling me that if I really feel this way, I should continue not drinking, and if people don’t want to socialize with me because I don’t drink, then it’s their problem. But it still hurts sometimes…)

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds like you’ve really been mulling this over. Yeah, I definitely hear you. It is really challenging to really look at your life, and try to answer the hard questions. It’s not an easy exercise, that’s for sure. I think, like you said, we all have our core beliefs, and I think you have to decide what those are and how you want them to impact your life. I hear ya there. I too, sometimes wonder just how my life would be different if I just didn’t live out my beliefs, but then I realize that, even though it might be more glamorous or “fun” or “easier” or whatever, the fact is, God placed those things on my heart to protect me. I have to trust that He wants to work things for good, and that’s why I live the way I do. And I’m sorry that you’ve had to walk that road with alcohol and your father’s alcoholism. I don’t know what that must be like, but i guess the only thing that is popping into my head, is that saying about playing with fire. But then that’s just my two cents worth. Anywho, I hope this makes an inkling of sense. Thanks again for sharing your heart. big hugs xo

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      1. That does make sense. Everything, about God protecting me and playing with fire. It’s just hard to draw the line sometimes, avoiding things for healthy reasons vs. unhealthy fear and risk aversion. I guess that’s where praying and listening to God comes in.

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  44. “He’s go you. Let Him have you.” In my way of understanding, that translates as “Let yourself fall into love.” Not “fall in love” like you would think of in a relationship, but simply to be conscious of a presence that will guide you to what will bring affirmation and strength to you as you affirm and strengthen those around you.

    Or is that too much? Were you aware, even in the darkest days, that you had meaning? Holding someone’s hand, talking to a troubled friend – did those moments always confirm for you that people gained from your presence, and would be wounded by your loss?

    These are the moments that keep me going. Were they not enough for you, or did you just not understand the connection between your behavior and your ability to continue to bring those moments to those you loved?

    I have written about how having “fallen into love” makes it difficult for women to relate to me because they find themselves trying to compete with something infinite. To share in elaborating its manifestations doesn’t seem to be enough – it provides no guarantees.

    Sorry if I’m not making much sense.

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    1. Wow, that is so beautiful, Brian. Thank you so much. not too much at all! And gosh, that is powerful to think about: the dark days havingg meaning. That’s a really awesome thought. thanks again for sharing that. You’re making the best sense, and i really appreciate it. big hugs to you xox

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  46. Hurrah for your book! Congrats! I’ve written one book of poetry and contributed to another anthology, and boy, what a joy when they are ready for the press!! You do such a great ministry with your heart-felt, vulnerable sharing and inspiring faith. Keep it up! 💕

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  49. You write with great insight, and very powerfully. ‘Letting go’ is very important when dealing with so many mental health issues. Have you been thinking of becoming a mental health professional, I wonder? It might be a very good way of using your talents in the service of your brothers and sisters. Just a thought; not looking for an answer

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    1. Gosh, what a kind thing to say. thank you with all my heart. Hmm, that is a great question. I have not considered that as an option, But perhaps! Thanks for planting that seed 🙂 hugs xo

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