The Silent Scream

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

It’s not very often that I’m shaken by things.

I’m pretty bullet proof.

I mean, as an actor, rejection is part of the game.

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And hey, putting my life out on the internet, I’m pretty much asking for people to hit me with a myriad of varying opinions. I get it. Heck, I welcome it. Bring it on.

But what I don’t appreciate, is ignorance.

Nope, I don’t appreciate bullies hiding behind the anonymity of a computer screen to tear down or intimidate another person.

That, in my opinion, is the lowest of lows.

I mean, we’re better than that, people.

And to be honest, I hate to even give a bully the time of day, but I was just so disgusted that I had to clear something up.

Over the weekend, I received an email. I was out on the boat with my family, and I was scrolling through my messages, as I often do during the day, and I came across a message that, in so many words, was calling me a temptress. This person said some truly hurtful things, questioning the authenticity of my faith, and saying I was trying to make men stumble and putting my story on the internet with the purpose of making men “lust” after me.

It was just so condescending and offensive.

I couldn’t believe it. I thought, are you reading the same blog??

And so, as someone who won’t shy away from a clap back, I decided to clear up precisely why I write this blog. Share what my true motives are.

Because…news flash: it’s not to make men “lust” after me.

There was a time in my life that was very dark: when I was going through my anorexia, ten years ago.

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And the thing about this disease that makes it so insipid, is that it thrives in secrecy. That’s why it is so painfully misunderstood.

Parents and doctors don’t know how to get through to the girls (or boys) suffering from this disease that is slowly killing them.

When I finally got better, I would talk to my parents about that heartbreaking season we had successfully been suppressing out of existence. And the number one thing they said was that they felt completely out of control. That their hands were tied.

They were watching their little girl slowly waste away, and there was nothing they could do to get through to me.

And that planted the seed in my mind. But it wasn’t until a friend’s sister began showing signs of an eating disorder, that I finally decided that this is what I was called to do.

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I have always been a believer that God uses everything for good. No suffering is ever wasted, because eventually, it will be used to help another person.

And this was it.

I knew that I needed to tell my story: I needed to share the reality of the disease – tell all the things that girls going through an eating disorder wished they could tell their parents, but couldn’t…because “ED” wouldn’t let them.

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During my anorexia, there were so many things that I wished I could have told my parents – things like, I’m lying to you about what I’m eating. Or I need you to ask me why I’m hurting. Or I’m afraid of gaining weight but I can’t tell you that because I don’t want to seem like a shallow and superficial jerk. Inside, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs for help, but I was being strangled by the rituals and fear and control of the eating disorder.

Anorexia and secrecy go hand in hand, and I wanted to just tear down the curtain and expose all things that parents needed to know about what their child was going through so that maybe one person could be saved from the agony and anguish my family endured during those three years that I was controlled by anorexia.

I’m not proud of my story. I’m not sharing these things to “brag.” And certainly not to allure men to pity me or be attracted to me. That is just…what?!?

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I’m sharing my story to hopefully prevent a girl from adolescent osteopenia, infertility, shattered relationships, a lifelong battle with self-worth and body dysmorphia, and all the other shit – excuse my French – that I’ve had to work through as a result of this damn disease.

Trying to get men to lust after me?

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Sweetheart, it sounds like you need to take a cold, hard, look at your own insecurities.

I’m working through my issues, sounds like you should too.

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And so I’d like to do something: I’ll be taking questions all this week,: You can email me, (beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com) or leave a comment here, with any questions you have, and I’ll answer as many as I can in a post next week.

I want to get back to the roots of this blog, and helping others – obviously not as a doctor/therapist/dietician or anyone with the “credentials” to professionally do so, but just as a girl who has been to those depths and back, and is now living in the abundance of a life free from ED.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

469 thoughts on “The Silent Scream”

  2. People are crazy! I agree there is nothing worse than internet bullies, and that my friend is just a ridiculous claim. It is true that the more you put yourself out there, the more vulnerable you are making yourself to this type of thing, but that doesn’t make their actions or opinions right.

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      1. Hey, I believe bullies themselves are severely neglected people seeking attention. Have mercy on them and ignore them until they find better ways to express themselves.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. How could this person be so cruel. You’re a lovely person but I for one as a guy who follows and supports you feel you’re not out to get guys after you and I hope you feel that the other way too.

    Be who you are and don’t let any haters get in the way of you and your mission in life… You are pretty awesome 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Im quite confused on how anybody could see this blog as a means to “make men lust after you”.. like what???? how awful! Just know your blog is making an impact all over the world! Thank you for your continued transparency ! xo

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Yes!! EXACTLY why I started my blog too! Eating disorders are so much more common than people think, people need other people to speak up and say “we are here and we know what you go through” im soooooo thankful for your blog, Caralyn because is actually inspired me to get into a support group and I could finally say that I needed help. Now I’m on a mission to help others. Sending you love, xoxo

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh my gosh Caitlin. I can’t begin to express how much this touches my heart. I am so glad that you’ve found hope here and have joined that group. You are AMAZING! and an inspiration and I hope you can hear me cheering for you! Sending so much love and hugs xox

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Hang in there — Friday is coming!

    Like what you are doing with this blog! You do a good thing for God and it will be criticized. Keep going!

    Jeff

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  7. I think that we need to not give any space to people with a destructive attitude towards us. I’m older than you, so I’ve learned to let go of those – but in the past I did my share of reproaching others myself. Not engaging them and keeping silent about their behavior… is your best ‘weapon’. This type of behavior can’t be stopped until the person herself is enlightened about how she is doing an evil deed even though she acts believing to be backed by goodness. It’s the second time in a short while I see you clarifying the purpose of your blog, but this energy you are spending can be saved: those of us who aren’t out here to judge know exactly the meaning of your blog. It’s pretty obvious. On the other hand, those out there who come to judge will judge regardless – they are in a quest to judge.

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  8. Im so sorry you went through this..As a revovering addict I have similar motivations as to why I blog and open up about dark things in my addiction and other insecurities. I applaud your blog..there is real ignorance in the world and so much projection…just put it down to that..bullies are very sad people and they are full of ignorance. God bless. 🌷

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  9. Miss Caralyn,
    One thing I hear quite clearly is a sense of compassion in your words. I see you recognizing that the Person behind the words is in pain in some way and you’re willing to extend your vulnerability and compassion in spite of their harsh words.
    You are, without a doubt a beautiful young woman. Women have, for far too long, been held responsible for the way men, rather naturally, respond to a woman they find attractive. The accusation that you’re writing the blog to attract the attentions of a guy is absurd. The title of your blog, “Beauty Beyond Bones” indicates that you are looking deeper, you are looking toward the beauty that God gives us as His well loved children. You’re looking deeper.
    I fully support you taking this on, because your responses will be kind, clear, and not demeaning to yourself, or anyone else along the way.The support goes on to re-presenting your story, re-telling the tale that brought you to this moment, with this blog.
    I will offer that there may be a moment to walk away from that conversation, for you, rather than for this hurting person.
    God bless!
    Teri

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pastor, I have always seen your blog as a mission trip in progress! Yes, you are attractive, however if anyone would take the time to read your blog, they would soon see a very consistant theme. Helping people by sharing your story and testimony! Keep preachin’ pastor and I’ll keep attending! Prayers and hi to your Mom!

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  12. A LOT of people these days can only feel good about themselves when they’re dragging other people down. It’s really sad. Ignore the comments or emails of those kinds of people, avoid ANY kind of interaction with them….but pray for them, with love and compassion. They do not have a faith life (and they like to taunt their victims by questioning their faith), and they are very, VERY broken! 😥

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  13. Carolyn, just keep being WONDERFUL, AWESOME, MADE-IN-THE-IMAGE OF GOD you! His light is always shining through you and your generous heart has never done anything more than care for ‘the needs of others.’ I am proud of how you have learned you TOO deserve care – don’t let the darkness of someone else’s opinion cloud over this reality. Continue to pray for them, as I know you already are…and trust God will begin to transform their hearts. And if it helps…I highly recommended a book in a post some time ago titled: Unoffendable https://hugsnblessings.com/?s=unoffendable There is so much wisdom I personally appreciated from the author, Brant Hansen. It’s scripturally based, so I do believe you’d enjoy it too! Until then, warm hugs of love for the beauty you bring to the cyber-world (and beyond!)

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  14. Hey Caralyn, we get it, well most of us. Thank you for this blog and your wonderful sense of courage! And your faith is so inspiring.
    I recognize that type of criticism you received as being based in a strict fundamentalist faith and culture. I say culture because they have certain standards that they believe are correct, and even Biblical, and if anyone crosses that line then they are considered out of order. And these types of people are so quick to criticise!
    I know this because I was there too just a few years ago. Having come out of that thinking, and those types of churches has been a life changing experience! I can honestly say it took some recovery time, although it was nothing like you went through.
    God bless you and thanks again!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I love how you look at suffering. When you said that suffering is never wasted and we use it to help others, I just felt like that was something I really needed to hear but never knew. I don’t look at suffering like you do but I think it may help me with some things.

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    1. thanks girlie. Yeah, suffering is never wasted. My mom always taught me that. I hope that it hits home. I’ve found that the more I think about it, the more it moves in my heart and gives me peace. thanks for stopping by. big hugs to you x

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Aren’t people unreal? It’s taken many years on the internet to get a feel for what ails us as human beings. We’re self absorbed and pathetic, what can I say. I call it teh stoopid. On the bright side, all these critics can help you feel better about yourself. I mean, if we’re grading on a curve here, I can at least look at them with some compassion and see how we all have issues. 🙂

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  20. I agree with the little yellow fella in the GIF – what!? That is so disgusting. This person obviously has some serious issues hiding away. Temptress? Heck no. Rise above this nonsense and be strong! 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻

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  21. You hit something about admiration. A man could have female followers and a woman could only have pursuers. Unfair. I admit I don’t always stay on topic. Paths cross and uncross.

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  22. Caralyn. I feel so bad that someone, a male, not a man, would write to you that way. I hope he wasn’t professing to be a Christian, because his actions Don’t line up.
    Your story on your blog is obviously being told to help others, and I would say to help families of others who are living through ED.
    A main highlight of your writing also, is the definite love you have for Jesus Christ, and your willingness to share that continually.
    Caralyn, you are respected, honoured, loved, admired as a person, a LADY, a Christ Follower.
    Don’t pay attention to those who write or speak so negatively, and don’t really pay attention to what they read when they write.
    Luv ya Caralyn! ❤⚘😀

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    1. Aw, George! Thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement! i am seriously smiling from ear to ear. you are such a great friend. you’re right, gotta just brush it off and keep on moving!! God is good! big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  23. I’m a guy. I read your blog. I have never for a moment reached that conclusion. I think you are doing a great thing telling your story.

    It seems to me that if the dude has that much trouble controlling his feelings when reading your blog he ought to find something else to read.

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  24. I’m a 60-year-old man with a wide and worldly experience. You are not in any way at any level writing as a “temptress.” We may disagree in many ways, but I never doubt your sincerity or the strength of your recovery. You can safely ignore that comment as someone else’s sickness, not anything real about you.

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    1. thank you so much 🙂 gosh, you are so awesome. You’re right – i think it was more revealing about that person’s own issues they’re dealing with. just gotta brush it off. thanks for the encouragement. big hugs x

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  25. Yipes. Firstly, whoever sent you that email has some deep, and I will use this word: PROBLEMS. It’s not rational, not sane, not anything but distorted and hateful, and moreover terribly sad. Such a person lives without joy. I guess you could say Creator gave you a challenge there- how do you respond to such poison with clarity and Love? Seems to me you did just that. I find your blog very much worth reading on many levels, in part because you HAVE survived the darkness and pain, and risen from it. Keep up all your good work!

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    1. thanks so much for your support. you’re right, it really is sad, and I should pray for this person — that’s what Jesus would do. And yes…that is a c.h.a.l.l.e.n.g.e. Thanks for your encouraging words. big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  27. Apparently that reader has been interpreting things differently or not looking at the same blog as I am. I haven’t seen anything inappropriate on your blog. I love reading your blog and seeing your journey. Keep your head held high and keep doing what it is that you are doing….I know you will help and inspire others.

    (I’m the first one to call other women out on their inappropriate attire or actions so if you don’t hear it from me it must not be true. It’s something I can’t hold my tongue on because I don’t want my young girls looking up to women like that and I don’t want my husband or son exposed to that)

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  28. I hope you responded with, “Hey… I can’t help looking this good.” 😉
    I wonder, was it a guy or girl who wrote the email? If a guy, the answer’s simple: read another blog. Women in the Middle East wear head coverings, I believe, partly because men don’t want to feel “tempted.” Just cause I feel tempted, it’s not my place to demand every woman wear a burka. If you look attractive to someone, it’s not their place to demand you stop being who you are.
    I, for one, have never ever felt that in any of your posts have you come across like you were trying to be a “temptress.” If you are, you’ve got a pretty goofy way of going about it.

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    1. hahaha oh my gosh that made me laugh out loud. Thank you so much for your support. Yeah, if “tempting” means sharing all the gross and ugly details about your life in an embarrassing and self deprecating way, then sure! haha thanks for saying that. means a lot. hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

  29. I had a Muslim friend who thought women who weren’t wearing a Bourka were trying to seduce men. Yet he would act sexy and try to seduce as many American women (married or not) as he could. Your creep could have been using a more “Christian” standard, saying women should wear XXX. Likely he doesn’t hold himself to the same standard. I look at you and see a diamond emerging, bright and beautiful. In some people, I see Emeralds, Pearls, etc. You can see them in most people, but some buried very deep.
    Douglas

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  30. That’s just so rude!! Keyboard warriors are definitely the worst, their uninterested in you and your why, they’re just concerned with their own rubbish.
    Your blog is great and like you I blog to hopefully have girls/women not go through what I have. I’m sure, like me, you wished there was something like this for you to read, to connect with and show you there is a different way. Keep up the incredible work, you never know who’s life you’re changing every day xx

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  32. I suppose all of us can look back on life and find someone has either misinterpreted what we are doing or saying, or are just plain nasty and making us the object of their dismal outlook on life. At first I have to admit I took them seriously and was more than slightly annoyed they’d invaded my space when they knew little about me. Over time though I’ve come to realize some of those outbursts are a cry for help. Their lives are just so dysfunctional they hit out indiscriminately in the hope someone will notice them and help them through whatever is causing their dysfunctional attitude. Instead of dismissing these people pray for them. They need the Lord to touch their heart and make them into happy and fulfilled people.. As for you being a temptress, keep on tempting people to love the Lord as you have been doing so effectively. You are a good person, feel sorry for those who like the one you mention have such an unhappy self-centred existence.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Ian. You’re so right – it’s sad, because it really is usually a cry for help. I should pray for this person. Easier said than done, but that’s what Jesus would do. Thanks for such a beautiful encouragement. means a lot. big hugs xo

      Liked by 1 person

  33. Sometimes I really hate people. Well, the negative ones. I am glad you realized that that person was insecure. It’s amazing how people like that can be cancerous and spread their negativity around.

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      2. true. very true. it’s like the rule was, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” NOT “if you don’t have anything nice to say, say it anonymously.” lol

        Liked by 1 person

  34. There’s no way for anyone to actually understand how another person feels, as we only reflect upon the experiential Self we recognize and assimilate with. That being said…whenever you attempt to offer an opportunity for connection with thousands of other people, you’re going to get this type of behavior from a small percentage of that population? I’m not suggesting it’s appropriate or acceptable, but it has to be expected at some point. How do you choose what to ignore, and what to write about here?

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    1. thanks for this thoughtful response. you’re right, you can’t please everybody. Honestly, I know it sounds hokey, but I pray about what I should write. I just step up to the keyboard and say, “okay Lord, what do you want me to say tonight?” Thanks for stopping by! big hugs xo

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  35. No worries, I don’t lust after you is just my charm that get women to fall in love with me without meaning to and now it even getting stronger again from learning something from my past that I don’t even remember, that is sad, funny and ironic that is my roommate that I made a mistake with, but it was with my sprite personality, lol, how ironic is that?

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  37. Beautiful post! It is so wonderful that you have taken the time and energy to speak out about such a “secret” disease in the efforts to help others. Take the criticism as a compliment. I love this quote: “Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honor of a critic.” 😀

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    1. thanks so much Sherina! Yes! It is my deepest prayer to help those who are suffering from it. Because there is a way out. there is hope. Even when you can’t see it, the hope is there. thanks for your kind words. big hugs xox

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  38. You are right, Caralyn! Bullies are a pathetic species. Keep doing what they are doing and they can keep rolling in their filth (yes, that’s a euphemism)! I hope you are well despite this.

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      1. I hear ya. Sometimes we need to take inventory, and just write it down. I have a whole series of blog posts on that right now. I called them Versions as they’re of versions of bullies that I’ve encountered. Big Hugs to you too! XoXoXo

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  39. You just keep doing what you’re doing! The enemy wants to stop you from using your faith and your story to help lift others up, so he uses people like that guy to attack you.

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    1. thanks Cahall. that’s so true – the enemy will take out all the stops and wants nothing more than to squelch our efforts of faith. But God is stronger and He will prevail! thanks for your encouragement! big hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

  40. Thanks again for sharing your why. I also love the idea of having us ask questions if we have any. You can, and will do some amazing work for the kingdom of God.
    Keep on sharing the why.

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    1. thanks friend. yes! the why is important, and i really do pray that this blog can be a source of hope and potentially some answers for someone who is in the thick of ED either themselves or with their loved one. God is good. big hugs to you xox

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  41. I am sickened that anyone would send you an email like that. I have never felt that way about you and never will. You are a lovely young woman that people like that see as a threat, or are jealous. As you know, I am 73 years old and the only woman I lust after is my wife. Do I say nice things to you and other women bloggers and comment on how they look or how they write? Yes I do and I damn sure won’t stop! Whoever wrote that email is filled with their own insecurities. I am so sorry you had to deal with this. You should publish their email address, but I know you are better than that. Never change and never give up! You are you and you are an inspiration!

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    1. thanks so much Walt. Yeah, it’s really sad. Gosh, I am so touched by your kind words. Thank you. You are so awesome. You’re right – it really shows a lot about what they’re going through, and I really should pray for them. easier said than done haha Thanks for your kind words! big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  43. I was a brand new Christian in the late 90s, when the big fad was that dating was bad and the whole purity thing was huge among youth and college groups. You know that I’m no fan of casual sex, but a lot of Christian communities took this way too far. I moved in 2001, a few weeks before I turned 25, and found myself at the church I refer to in my blog as Church I With The Problems. It seemed like people there obsessed over the need to conquer feelings of lust, to the point that men and women serving in the same ministry weren’t allowed to date each other; someone I knew there recommended to me a book by someone who actually wrote that dating couples shouldn’t spend more than 2.5 hours per week alone together before they were engaged, to prevent lust from taking over, and that they shouldn’t sleep together until they were married for six months in order to build emotional intimacy; and we had extensive Bible studies discussing exactly at what hour of the night a single man would have to leave a single woman’s house so that people wouldn’t see him there late at night and assume that they were sleeping together. I’m not by any means defending anything that this jerk said; it just makes me wonder if he isn’t intending to be a bully, but this might just be the way he was raised.

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    1. This is such an eye opening perspective. thank you so much for sharing this. you’re right, I don’t know the back story and where this person is coming from. I really should pray for this person – which is so much easier said than done haha. thanks for stopping by and for this shift in perspective! big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It should also be noted that a lot of people like this whom I’ve encountered over the years feel such a need to call out other Christians who they think aren’t as pure-minded as them that this takes precedence over any rules of tact or acting appropriately. The Bible does say to confront brothers and sisters in sin, but I don’t think that necessarily means pompously making assumptions about people you barely know.

        For example, when I was 34, I had a 48-year-old roommate (not really someone I knew well, not really someone I was close friends with, but we did go to the same church, that’s how we found each other as roommates) who had this kind of mentality. One day he sat me down, explained that he noticed I hadn’t slept at home twice that week, assumed that I must have been sleeping with the girl he’d seen me hanging out with, and then he proceeds to lecture me about purity like I’m one of the high school kids that he led a Bible study for. He went on and on about where Paul says that there must not be a hint of immorality, about how people will get the wrong idea about me, and about how this couple we both knew who didn’t say I love you until the day he proposed and didn’t kiss until their wedding day are the kind of purity that all Christians should seek to emulate. A normal person would have minded their own business, or at most gone to one of our close mutual friends and asked if there was anything going on that I might need to talk about, rather than make assumptions and treat me like a kid.

        For the record, one of the nights that didn’t come home had nothing to do with the girl, and the other time I had slept on her couch. We were hanging out on Saturday, I was giving her a ride to her church on Sunday because she couldn’t drive at the time, and for me to have gone home in between would have accomplished nothing except wasting two gallons of gas and an hour of sleep. I may have written about this in my blog, now that I think about it.

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  45. You go, girl! Don’t let the haters stop you from doing what you’ve been called to do, especially since it’s helping other people and honoring God!

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  47. I enjoy reading your blog; it gives me perspective on the lives of people different than me, yet very much the same. Opinions seem to matter more than convictions in our changing culture. No one wants to die for opinions, yet many have for their convictions. That is what makes the difference between feelings & faith. When I read your material I see someone who had been lied to & found the truth. I enjoy seeing your smiling face & comical animated pics. Don’t let anyone stop you from making the world a brighter place.

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  48. OMG, you’re so brave! People can be completely rude, insensitive, and ignorant. I’m glad you’re able to share and be positive even when other people aren’t as understanding or empathetic! Love the positivity.

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  50. This was a pretty good blog. I’m so proud of the way you handled the situation. What that person did could have been more of a way to sabotage your success as a blogger and infuse you with doubt or tried to intimidate you to shut you up. You were level headed, direct, and above all: graceful!

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