The Silent Scream

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

It’s not very often that I’m shaken by things.

I’m pretty bullet proof.

I mean, as an actor, rejection is part of the game.

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And hey, putting my life out on the internet, I’m pretty much asking for people to hit me with a myriad of varying opinions. I get it. Heck, I welcome it. Bring it on.

But what I don’t appreciate, is ignorance.

Nope, I don’t appreciate bullies hiding behind the anonymity of a computer screen to tear down or intimidate another person.

That, in my opinion, is the lowest of lows.

I mean, we’re better than that, people.

And to be honest, I hate to even give a bully the time of day, but I was just so disgusted that I had to clear something up.

Over the weekend, I received an email. I was out on the boat with my family, and I was scrolling through my messages, as I often do during the day, and I came across a message that, in so many words, was calling me a temptress. This person said some truly hurtful things, questioning the authenticity of my faith, and saying I was trying to make men stumble and putting my story on the internet with the purpose of making men “lust” after me.

It was just so condescending and offensive.

I couldn’t believe it. I thought, are you reading the same blog??

And so, as someone who won’t shy away from a clap back, I decided to clear up precisely why I write this blog. Share what my true motives are.

Because…news flash: it’s not to make men “lust” after me.

There was a time in my life that was very dark: when I was going through my anorexia, ten years ago.

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And the thing about this disease that makes it so insipid, is that it thrives in secrecy. That’s why it is so painfully misunderstood.

Parents and doctors don’t know how to get through to the girls (or boys) suffering from this disease that is slowly killing them.

When I finally got better, I would talk to my parents about that heartbreaking season we had successfully been suppressing out of existence. And the number one thing they said was that they felt completely out of control. That their hands were tied.

They were watching their little girl slowly waste away, and there was nothing they could do to get through to me.

And that planted the seed in my mind. But it wasn’t until a friend’s sister began showing signs of an eating disorder, that I finally decided that this is what I was called to do.

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I have always been a believer that God uses everything for good. No suffering is ever wasted, because eventually, it will be used to help another person.

And this was it.

I knew that I needed to tell my story: I needed to share the reality of the disease – tell all the things that girls going through an eating disorder wished they could tell their parents, but couldn’t…because “ED” wouldn’t let them.

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During my anorexia, there were so many things that I wished I could have told my parents – things like, I’m lying to you about what I’m eating. Or I need you to ask me why I’m hurting. Or I’m afraid of gaining weight but I can’t tell you that because I don’t want to seem like a shallow and superficial jerk. Inside, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs for help, but I was being strangled by the rituals and fear and control of the eating disorder.

Anorexia and secrecy go hand in hand, and I wanted to just tear down the curtain and expose all things that parents needed to know about what their child was going through so that maybe one person could be saved from the agony and anguish my family endured during those three years that I was controlled by anorexia.

I’m not proud of my story. I’m not sharing these things to “brag.” And certainly not to allure men to pity me or be attracted to me. That is just…what?!?

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I’m sharing my story to hopefully prevent a girl from adolescent osteopenia, infertility, shattered relationships, a lifelong battle with self-worth and body dysmorphia, and all the other shit – excuse my French – that I’ve had to work through as a result of this damn disease.

Trying to get men to lust after me?

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Sweetheart, it sounds like you need to take a cold, hard, look at your own insecurities.

I’m working through my issues, sounds like you should too.

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And so I’d like to do something: I’ll be taking questions all this week,: You can email me, (beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com) or leave a comment here, with any questions you have, and I’ll answer as many as I can in a post next week.

I want to get back to the roots of this blog, and helping others – obviously not as a doctor/therapist/dietician or anyone with the “credentials” to professionally do so, but just as a girl who has been to those depths and back, and is now living in the abundance of a life free from ED.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

469 thoughts on “The Silent Scream”

  1. Lust after you? Impossible. There is a purity to your femininity that inspires true and complete love. I don’t know to express it. But you share yourself so fully that a deep and complete love is the only authentic response. I know you are just a good old human type woman, but WOW, just wow.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Beauty, my dear, bullies are people with the strangest addictions of all and possibly the hardest to cure. It’s called anger and it may be caused by many things. It goes so deep, they themselves can’t tell what’s wrong. Recovering bullies are probably the most courageous of all addicts – imagine how must it be not only to forgive the garbage in your life causing it, but to forgive yourself for being that angry as to deeply hurt other people. Very hard indeed. So have love for them, if nothing else. This being said, everything happens for a reason at any given time. You alone can figure out why this email came now – is there something you need to heal inside you or others? Or maybe not you, but someone who is reading just this post and the comments? God knows. I’m looking forward to your post in reply to other questions about anorexia. I have no idea what causes this and what kind of insecurities you faced. Love from Canada, always.

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    1. thank you so much for this encouragement. you’re so right, bullies are working through their own things. I need to have love for them and pray for them – which is much easier said than done. thanks for the support from Canada!! 🙂 big hugs to you xo

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  3. Your story is truly inspiring to a lot dear. There is no lust in your words, its only in those hearts that think in that way. You truly are a star who have fought so many odds and still standing here, bringing up all your thoughts and emotions as an example for others to learn. Thank you for your beautiful words.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for sharing your heart, and for your willingness to open yourself up in order to help people who are still locked inside. Can you give parents a “watch for” list of things that they should be aware of that may be signs of ED in their son or daughter? Or perhaps some things that someone who loves a person suffering from this disease can say that would be encouraging, loving, uplifting, and open the door to communication?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. There are many, including me that appreciate you and your blog. Some people are discontent and unhappy and project this on to others. Stay true to your vision for your blog and yourself! You are a blessing! Hugs!

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  7. Between this email, and a few other responses you’ve shared in the past few weeks, it seems you may be experiencing some discouragement about this blog. I haven’t been able to post anything on mine (I hope to do so again soon), but I have been reading yours. I can only say this means you have to stay focused and press forward. I hope your book gets published. And, as a woman, mom of an almost 20 year old daughter, and future counselor, I value the information you share on the real struggles of anorexia and overcoming it. Perhaps one day I will need your perspective in counseling a teenager who may be struggling with this very issue. Stay strong!

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    1. Thanks Melissa. I really appreciate your uplifting words. It seriously means so much. And what an incredible and important line of work you’re going into. That is a gift you’re giving with your life. Know that you and your career will be in my prayers! Hugs and love xox

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  9. Keep sharing your beautiful, broken story, and let the haters hate. Because they’re always going to be there. You are an inspiration and an encouragement in so many ways. God bless you for your transparency and authenticity.

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  10. I hope you didn’t take any of what was said by this person personally, as it truly was not and had nothing to do with you. It was their stuff. One of the biggest and best lessons I’ve learned is not to take things personally either way, positive or negative. If someone tells me something like their life has been turned around because of me as their therapist, I don’t personalize that either. Basically something happened that made that person decide to do what they needed to do to make what changes were necessary. It wasn’t about me. Helps to keep the ego in check. Just like what this person said to you it so was not about you, totally that person’s stuff. The Four Agreements, this book changed my life helped me put a lot into perspective.

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    1. Thanks so much Tammi. That’s such great advice- to not take anything personally either way. You’re right on the money – just gotta brush it off. Thanks for the encouragement and support. Means a lot. Big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I am so sorry you had to endure that email. I have another friend of that had the same thing happen to her this past fall. It is sickening and discussing. You are in my prayers. Keep up the good work, for you are correct, often we are allowed to go through experiences so that God can use us to help others.
    Blessings to you and yours
    Pastor Lester

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  14. I love and look forward to all of your blogs. You are an amazing writer and a Christian which is so important. So important. You are extremely talented and so glad as painful as,life has been with anorexia and stuff,you are alive today to share your story and be able to help others who are going down that path,especially the young people out there. Starts way too early now.

    Thank you!!!

    Katie Carson

    Get Outlook for Android

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    1. aw, Katie, thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement! i am so touched and humbled by your generous words. God is good! and you’re right – it starts way way too early. sending big hugs xox

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  15. Can you put up the link to the lusty, tempting posts of your blog(?) because I missed those, LOL, I’m sorry. I feel bad joking about it but, it is hilarious someone found that in your blog. I appreciate the topics you cover with such an open dialog, this post will be no different. :):) You are telling your story, and that by far helps more people than you know 🙂

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  17. This was beautifully written and God bless you for sharing your story despite the opinion of others. Keep writing and being great ☺️

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  18. Your strength is inspiring. I will never understand how we can slip and make such superficial and blatantly erroneous judgments of others when we claim to follow a certain religious tradition in which judgement is reserved for the One who comprehends ALL information and is, therefore, solely capable of perfect, merciful, and just judgement. On another note, as a father of a young girl growing much to fast into a young woman, your effort to share your experience is sincerely appreciated.

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    1. thank you so much friend. i am so grateful for your kind and generous words. You’re so right – I’ve got to take that advice and leave the judging up to Him! will definitely keep and your daughter in my prayers! sounds like you’re a great dad 🙂 hugs x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. you are too kind, thank you. (out of an abundance of caution, of course, i was referring to the goofball, bless his heart, who did the judging). i can say ‘goofball’ because i learned living in the southern US, one can say anything about another so, long as one follows what was said with, “bless their heart.”

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  19. I admire a woman, or anyone for that matter, who can be open with their feelings and strife. It instantly makes them credible, not only as a witness, but as an authority as well.

    The biggest problem I’ve had with overcoming pain or any form of antagonism has been being left feeling like the enduring of a trial leaves you withered and less resilient. Only because you find yourself needing more from others than needing more from yourself. As a result, that’s where a lot of insecurities come from. Not easy to be objectively critical of yourself and expect to achieve progress, let me tell you.

    What I admire about you most is how you’ve turned your mess into a message… A trial meant to bully you has actually built you instead. I love it. Absolutely. More to the point, you use it to encourage others in their fights… their wars… whatever they may be.

    Great read, as always!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Well, my love, as a doctor and much more importantly a Christian and friend/sister, I love you and am ever increasingly proud that you have the courage to voice that which silence strengthens, thus helping others and ensuring your path never returns to the secret cave of despair God rescued you from on purpose in love. What anyone says does not matter, that you obey with a humble heart of love matters ridiculously and eternally much and you will be rewarded for that. Love you as always. Hugs, beautiful! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh my gosh Tonya, thank you so much. I am so touched and humbled by your kind and generous words. You’re so right – God really did rescue me and for that I am forever grateful. God is good. Thanks for the encouragement. Big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Thank you posting about your personal experience with ED. I have a cousin who is 13 and is just about to get out of a rehab center. Thank God she didn’t need to be tube some girls aren’t so lucky. You really gave me insight to how she must feel. I’ve felt helpless in helping her. The thing I do is write every week and hope she reads my letters. I get hers every other weeks but thank you for shedding light on how she must feel. I feel so much more compassion now ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing that. I’m so sorry to hear that this hits so close to home with you. I will definitely keep her and you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I know those letters meant a lot to her. Sending so much love and hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  24. Thank you again for sharing your heart with people you have never met and would not know if they passed you on the sidewalk. I appreciate you. I am proud of how you handle your recovery in reaching out to others in need. Keep up the good work.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Henry Rollins said, ‘Weakness is what brings ignorance, cheapness, racism, homophobia, desperation, cruelty, brutality, all these things that will keep a society chained to the ground, one foot nailed to the floor’. I love the way you handled this Caralyn, with dignity and self-respect. Your website is an inspiration and so are you.

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  27. morning sunshine…I want to encourage you to keep on doing good (Gal.6:9). Whenever Truth goes out, the devil tries to steal it and Jesus says that there will be many that do not understand it (Matt. 13). He has granted you the mysteries of the kingdom, where you have walked and what you have been through and Whom you have seen, is precious and a testimony that will stand against weightless words. Keep going… keep sharing…keep doing good. much love and many blessings..

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  28. Byron Katie tells her view on those people who criticize her. She thanks them for their opinion and then leans into the person to ask them to continue and say what they see in her. She tells them that she’s not always aware of how she projects herself because she’s too close. Can’t see the forest for the trees…I guess. She asks the person to get really detailed and honest and then thanks them. Maybe two things could happen. 1. You get a point of view that may or may not have a smidgen of truth. Something to look at. 2. You might get a chance to have a real conversation with that person where he could learn something that would change his mind or be useful to him? Anyway…Byron Katie…great lady.

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  29. You share your vulnerability and story with love and truth. A harsh reflection is their own reflection in the mirror and not about you my love. Brene Brown and President Roosevelt’s ‘Arena’ speech are in this moment. ‘If you are not in the arena, your feedback is irrelevant’ ❤ xXx

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Exactly the same reason I share on my blog except I am still struggling with it and not over it YET, but I want to overcome it with the many people suffering from mental illnesses out there. I really wanna punch that person who sent you that email in the face (god stop me), that is just incredulous. Always love reading your blog! Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate! Lol.

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    1. Hi Faith, thanks for this encouragement. potatoes gonna potate! hahah that made me chuckle. Keep on sharing your story friend. the journey is long and sharing your path is going to help not only yourself, but others along the way 🙂 big hugs to you xx

      Liked by 1 person

  31. Please please please do not let that crazy woman dissuade you in anyway! I cannot imagine what she would have read that would put such ideas in her mind. What you write is authentic and helpful and so very brave. I enjoy every post I have ever read and I hope that you will continue to do it. You are helping so many people whether they have Eating Disorders or not. Thank you for listening to God’s prompting.

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  32. Caralyn,

    You’re beautiful. It’s apparent you’ve been through a lot. It looks like based on these comments here, you have a good support system through MOST of your readers! I didn’t see any negative comments out in the open, so obviously that person does want to hide and be a coward behind the screen! Keep doing you, boo! 🙂 And thanks for following my blog! I really think we are very similar! Xoxo 😘

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  33. It’s truly a shame that people have to try to tear down what God is building up. It happens to me from time to time but no one, not even the worst of the worst, can tell me worse things about me than I have told myself in the past. I’ve heard it from the biggest enemy I’ve ever faced and am managing, in spite of what some trolls and bullies like to dish out, to overcome the obstacle I refer to as me.

    You are doing a great job with this blog and your message reaches beyond your eating disorder.

    Remember, if you don’t face opposition, you aren’t blazing your own trail.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. “I have always been a believer that God uses everything for good. No suffering is ever wasted, because eventually, it will be used to help another person.”
    I identify with it, the mercy of God when is present transform also our darkness into fuel, “wood that can be burned to bake bread.”

    As you know, freedom is beautiful because it allows everyone to have their opinion and can share it, and others have the freedom to accept or reject it.
    As we know, there is no privacy on the internet. This is an open and public global territory. So it is up to each individual navigator to set boundaries for himself and others for which waters and depths he wants to travel.

    But I suggest, if good is a choice, put yourself under the guardianship of the Lord Jesus, for to us the sea is vast and deep, harboring darkness and light, and only the Lord can walk on the waters.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you so much for this, Carlos. Yes, the mercy of God is powerful. and wow, I love that quote about the bread. so true! thanks for your encouragement. you’re right – gotta keep myself under His guardianship. thanks for stopping by. big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  36. It’s such a shame that people feel this desire to say mean things. Fear of mean people was what held me back from blogging for such a long time. You are making a difference and it’s sad that “some” people can’t see that. xo-Amy

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  38. I agree, the person who made the accusations was not reacting to the spirit or attitude that you portray; rather they were reacting from their own struggles. If I were in your shoes I would be struggling with anger and vengeance, and I encourage you to stoop down and minister to your accuser rather than throwing stones back (Not that I think you are; again, my struggle). Keep the faith!

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    1. thank you so much for your kind words. You’re so right – I need to love and pray for this person…which is a lot easier said than done! hah. thanks for the encouragement. big hugs xo

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  39. Well if you wanted to entice men to lust after you, I am sure you could find a topic more conducive to that. Your recovery after an ED? that is what is hot now? Ya….I think someone out there has some issues that they need to see after. I have never had an ED but the way God speaks to you in your every day life is something that connects with my spirit. Keep on keeping on….. you are encouraging many through your willingness to share your experiences and how God is teaching you through them.

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  40. Life is so funny and people respond in the strangest of ways to the way we communicate. The biblical example of Lot in Sodom explains something fundamental. The visitors to the city did nothing to provoke the lust of others, they just had to be there. It was a reason for the residents to show how they felt.
    We same the same politically – people are on the streets and sending horrendous emails and tweets to each other because they feel aggrieved when nothing threatens them.
    So when someone imputes wrong motives it is their problem. We can choose to be offended or hurt, we can also choose to make the comment count. The best response is always to understand that the problem lies with the other person.
    Your blog helps many, your life experience reminds so many of us that we can recover and regain our personal identity. Those who have met me in the last 3 years know me as someone who has recovered from cancer, now living with a deteriorating heart problem and define me as such. But like you we are more than others see.
    Use this as your platform, focus on recovery and dignity but most of all learn to smile at the incorrigibility of those how lack perception and need to have their say.
    As my Grandmother said: Everyone can have an opinion but it doesn’t give them the right to share it and you’re not obliged to listen.
    I love the the blog

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    1. thank you so much friend. This is such a beautiful encouragement. I love that quote from your grandmother – we’re not obliged to listen. gotta keep focused on the good! big hugs xo

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  43. Whoever it was, love and pray for them and wish them well. Hard to do. But I think we will receive the great peace of God if we can show mercy towards others who may not understand us or who ‘strike’ at our intentions to do good. Keep writing! Your story needs to be told!

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  44. We men are sometimes odd, repressed creatures. I apologize on behalf of my entire gender 😉 Seriously, people who lash out at others are ALWAYS motivated by insecurities they have with themselves. Let it roll off like water off a duck, and pity your critics. They come from a place of pain and desperation, of feeling like they have no voice or power, so they try to exert power through trying to cause others pain. Ignore their ignorance!

    P.S. Just wanted to make a word nerd suggestion, since I am indeed a word nerd! You use the word “insipid” but I think you might have mean “insidious,” based on the context of the sentence. Just a suggestion! Thanks again for another great post!

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  45. There seems to be a strange perception that genuine suffering/strength/purpose/faith has to look a certain way, and for some reason that look can’t be attractive. This seems to connect to your post a few weeks ago about the woman who expressed that your size wasn’t ok with her perception of representing recovery from anorexia. You are really beautiful, but more than that you are attractive in a positive and light-filled way – and you’re very clear about who you are and why. I’m sorry that people aren’t willing to accept that just like everything else in life, genuine suffering/strength/purpose/faith does not have a one-size fits all, and it doesn’t have to not be pretty. It’s not pretty OR, it’s pretty AND. Thanks for sharing your story and your faith and for breaking down false perceptions!

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    1. If i found my daughter is secretly exercising or lying what she eats, what should we do.

      As a parent, can u also list out or give us some advices what we can do to help our children with this disease. For example, some do and dont

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    2. Hi Britin, thank you so much for this affirming reply. You’re so right – everyone’s recovery looks different. And however it looks is okay! Because we’re on the path 🙂 this was a powerful perspective that j needed to hear. Thanks again. Hugs and love xox

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  46. You have a calling … you are serving others by telling your story … you are to admired for your bravery, your honesty, your sincerity, and your willingness to put yourself out there no matter what !! I refuse to even discuss the individual you encountered … or any others of their ilk. It’s a waste of time.

    I CELEBRATE YOU and SUPPORT YOU in your CALLING. jan

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  47. Ridiculous!!! She obviously has her own issues which cloud her eyes to the beauty of your honesty! Keep on lovely soldier!!! You are making a difference!❤️

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  48. Carolynn,
    Hope that I spelled your name correctly. 🙂
    I commend you for your nobility and respect. Instead of lashing out in a negative way, you showed humility, honor, and grace. In my opinion, you were an example of what Christ told us to be.
    Second, I cannot wrap my head around anyone saying that your blogs are used to tempt men, to cause them to lust after you. You don’t post anything pornographic, or use flirtatious words, or anything remotely close to tempting men. It is okay for someone feels empathy or pity for what you went through, but anyone who reads your blogs should be able to feel the genuine emotion within your words. Feel the genuine concern, passion, and desire to help others.
    Granted, I have not read every single one of your posts, but even if I only read one which is not the case, your words I feel were given to you by God. He inspired you to write what you write and that cannot be a temptation as God does not tempt us or cause or inspire us to tempt others. Your blogs have helped me in moments that I needed it. I still struggle in some ways with my eating disorder but knowing that God has placed you in my life even through just blogs gives me hope and I’m sure others. I do not feel alone in my struggle.
    God Bless you and keep fighting the good fight and never let anyone beat you down.
    Love, Tiffany

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    1. Hi Tiffany! Oh my gosh thank you so much for this beautiful affirmation. I am seriously so touched and humbled by your generous and kind words. I’m so glad that my blog has resonated with your spirit. God is good and I thank Him for the healing in my life. Thanks again friend. You are a blessing to me. 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  50. In so sorry that someone emailed you that foolishness. Unfortunately, it comes with the territory of having almost 30,000 followers! In so happy for you and you have so many followers because so many people connect to you and your story. Those two or three of 200 delusional people are always going to come creeping out of the woodwork to try to hinder your calling. Don’t let them and don’t let them discourage you in any way. Your blog is my favorite and that’s because you’re so real, relatable, God loving, and hilarious! I’ve never had ED or been through many of your experiences, but at some point pain is pain, and joy is joy, and learning is learning. So, my girl, you’re reaching far more people with positivity and hope with your blog than you probably ever imagined. So keep it up and keep it moving when people come with the foolery.

    Btw, I love that you said “clap back!” 😂😂😂 I’m off to read that post now!

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    1. Wow, Celestial! you’re on a reading roll! thanks so much! you’re so right, i have to just brush it off, keep on moving, and stay focused on Jesus. Because His is the only opinion that matters at the end of the day. Thanks again for all your encouragement and wisdom. You’re a blessing to me! big hugs x

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