The Silent Scream

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

It’s not very often that I’m shaken by things.

I’m pretty bullet proof.

I mean, as an actor, rejection is part of the game.

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And hey, putting my life out on the internet, I’m pretty much asking for people to hit me with a myriad of varying opinions. I get it. Heck, I welcome it. Bring it on.

But what I don’t appreciate, is ignorance.

Nope, I don’t appreciate bullies hiding behind the anonymity of a computer screen to tear down or intimidate another person.

That, in my opinion, is the lowest of lows.

I mean, we’re better than that, people.

And to be honest, I hate to even give a bully the time of day, but I was just so disgusted that I had to clear something up.

Over the weekend, I received an email. I was out on the boat with my family, and I was scrolling through my messages, as I often do during the day, and I came across a message that, in so many words, was calling me a temptress. This person said some truly hurtful things, questioning the authenticity of my faith, and saying I was trying to make men stumble and putting my story on the internet with the purpose of making men “lust” after me.

It was just so condescending and offensive.

I couldn’t believe it. I thought, are you reading the same blog??

And so, as someone who won’t shy away from a clap back, I decided to clear up precisely why I write this blog. Share what my true motives are.

Because…news flash: it’s not to make men “lust” after me.

There was a time in my life that was very dark: when I was going through my anorexia, ten years ago.

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And the thing about this disease that makes it so insipid, is that it thrives in secrecy. That’s why it is so painfully misunderstood.

Parents and doctors don’t know how to get through to the girls (or boys) suffering from this disease that is slowly killing them.

When I finally got better, I would talk to my parents about that heartbreaking season we had successfully been suppressing out of existence. And the number one thing they said was that they felt completely out of control. That their hands were tied.

They were watching their little girl slowly waste away, and there was nothing they could do to get through to me.

And that planted the seed in my mind. But it wasn’t until a friend’s sister began showing signs of an eating disorder, that I finally decided that this is what I was called to do.

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I have always been a believer that God uses everything for good. No suffering is ever wasted, because eventually, it will be used to help another person.

And this was it.

I knew that I needed to tell my story: I needed to share the reality of the disease – tell all the things that girls going through an eating disorder wished they could tell their parents, but couldn’t…because “ED” wouldn’t let them.

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During my anorexia, there were so many things that I wished I could have told my parents – things like, I’m lying to you about what I’m eating. Or I need you to ask me why I’m hurting. Or I’m afraid of gaining weight but I can’t tell you that because I don’t want to seem like a shallow and superficial jerk. Inside, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs for help, but I was being strangled by the rituals and fear and control of the eating disorder.

Anorexia and secrecy go hand in hand, and I wanted to just tear down the curtain and expose all things that parents needed to know about what their child was going through so that maybe one person could be saved from the agony and anguish my family endured during those three years that I was controlled by anorexia.

I’m not proud of my story. I’m not sharing these things to “brag.” And certainly not to allure men to pity me or be attracted to me. That is just…what?!?

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I’m sharing my story to hopefully prevent a girl from adolescent osteopenia, infertility, shattered relationships, a lifelong battle with self-worth and body dysmorphia, and all the other shit – excuse my French – that I’ve had to work through as a result of this damn disease.

Trying to get men to lust after me?

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Sweetheart, it sounds like you need to take a cold, hard, look at your own insecurities.

I’m working through my issues, sounds like you should too.

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And so I’d like to do something: I’ll be taking questions all this week,: You can email me, (beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com) or leave a comment here, with any questions you have, and I’ll answer as many as I can in a post next week.

I want to get back to the roots of this blog, and helping others – obviously not as a doctor/therapist/dietician or anyone with the “credentials” to professionally do so, but just as a girl who has been to those depths and back, and is now living in the abundance of a life free from ED.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

469 thoughts on “The Silent Scream”

  1. When I was reading what that person said in the email my brain was like “What what what?” How on earth? Just like, what? LOL There is no way any sane person can get THAT out of your blog and posts and if any man IS attracted to you through your blog I believe it’s because or would be because of your insight, intelligence and above all your love for God.. This person was SO off the mark and sounds like they have some issue’s they could use much prayer for.. Sending my love … Robyn

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thanks so much Robyn! yeah that was pretty much my same reaction. I was like, huh??? Thanks for your kind words. Yeah, you’re right, i need to pray for this person, which is a lot easier said than done! haha big hugs to you xo

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Blogging opens us to the criticism of others. Some comment and disagree with us respectfully and with civility. Others…not so much.

    I’m sorry this person misunderstood your intents and chose to judge you.

    We are told to gently restore a brother (or sister) we see in sin. It’s almost impossible to do this via text, Facebook, or email. And often, if not always, when we type a judgmental accusation we ourselves are in sin.

    Your story and the way in which you share it clearly glorifies God and helps others heal. Keep it up.

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  5. Do you know what an “internet troll” is? Don’t feed the trolls! In other words, don’t let those kind of people, people who want a fight, get one. They want to see a response happen. Girl, you don’t need that shit.

    Temptress my butt. Just move on as if your didn’t read that email.

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    1. Thanks Stiina. Yeah a troll is such an accurate word for what it is. You’re right – I don’t need it! Just gotta brush it off. Thanks for stopping by and for your encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  6. As cliché as it sounds, when people come at you in a ridiculous way that only means you are doing something right. I completely agree that God uses us to help others out of their dark places ,the enemy knows this..someone is going to get delivered from your testimony and he is mad! Keep sharing!

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  7. xx you’re great and your blog has helped me and given me hope, inspiration and support and helped me understand and find compassion for myself xx thanks for all your words 🙂 Em

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  8. Lordy. Lordy. Lordy. Please pray for the fool. Obviously, that individual is feeling tremendously inadequate and is projecting their insecurities onto you rather than dealing with them by his ol’ self. He is not your issue and you shouldn’t internalize his problems. Nuns get raped, and the rapist’s excuse could be “her habit blew in the wind revealing her leg.” Women who wear burkas get raped and are faulted for the assault on them. Seriously?! Your faith is between you and God, the Almighty. What, has he been given the Book of the Devine Readings of the Human Mind that allows him to know what is in the breast of men? (Sarcasm) Let that inadequate humanoid go and get on with your life. God has a plan for you. Embrace it. Love it. Share it. Yours UH, xoxo

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    1. Thanks friend. You’re right, I need to pray for this person, which is easier said than done. Lots of powerful food for thought here. I know it’s so sad. And you’re right – God does have a plan! Amen! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  10. *shaking head in dismay*
    It’s crazy how crazy people are at times!

    And you know what, you don’t even have to defend yourself. Your work, your writing speaks of who you are.
    It’s clear what your passion is.
    So just remember, for every person you meet who doesn’t understand what you are about there are a dozen other people who understand and are cheering you on! 😁

    Bless you

    Rolain

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  11. Beautiful anx encouragingly gracious! Indeed that person is struggling with their own inner pain keep on doing the good work!

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  12. Huh? What the what? Is she reading the same blog as the rest of us? Sometimes we can twist things to try and see where a person is coming from, but I got nothing. It’s definitely something within her that she has to work out. Maybe you remind her of someone, maybe she has something else going on, but, it is about her, not you.

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  13. Many years ago I noticed that whenever someone says something to you about someone other than themselves, good or bad, you learn more about the person speaking than the one they are speaking about – even if it is you. I am so impressed by how you have dealt with this and am sure you have come out of it stronger.
    For those who love God all things work together for good. This chap gave you, if nothing else, the chance which you have taken to live out Jesus’ words, ‘Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.’ But there is much else – I have read through these comments and what amazing love and support is there. That will surprise no-one except possibly yourself. Keep up your good work! 🙂 (Wow! it worked! I’ve never used an emoticon before & don’t know how, but copied it from above)

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    1. Thanks so much for this powerful reflection Anthony. You’re so right – He works ALL things together for good. Thanks for your encouragement. It really means a lot. And so true – gotta love and pray for this person. Hah nice emoji!! 😄 Hugs and love xox

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  14. I’m sorry to hear that you were attacked that way. As I’m sure that you know intellectually, the attack says more about the other person than it does you, but I know the heart often feels differently. Sounds like you’ve used this experience to inspire and invigorate—that’s great! Best wishes to you!!

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  15. I think it’s wonderful that you’re sharing your story and somewhere someone will be helped. Ignore the trolls. Just delete them and don’t give them two thoughts. Life is too short. 😀

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  19. Some posts might be written as a result of a catalyst we might not choose…like a not-so-nice letter from a misguided reader….and for that reason, am thankful for your response to the reader’s letter. Your post is passionate and inspiring and clarifies your calling with this blog. Love how good can come from not so great and so appreciate your heart! (Romans 8 <3)

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  20. Beautiful post. You will meet mean people in life but this virtual world has given them access to be even a worse experience. Keep being yourself. They are just jelly that you had the strength to face reality of life. I admire you for opening up. I’m trying to do the same as you.

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  21. As long as you are doing what God wants you to do, you don’t need to justify it to anyone else. That’s between you and God. People dont understand as we walk by the spirit and NOT by the flesh. There is always an enemy trying to tear us down, whether that is through distractions, hurtful words, or other people, but remember you have the spirit of God and can fight back! Put on that armor and keep fighting the good fight! 🙏💗

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  22. That is the saddest thing I have ever heard! You have shared your story, your storms, your light, your faith, your family, your opinions. You have shared YOU!! There isn’t anything temptress-like about that!! Hugs, light, and love!! That was just a hater!! xoxoxo

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  23. Okay I’m going to be frank with you even though my name is Anthony. But seriously Frank is my middle name and that is not a joke. First of all the person or persons that sent you the disgusting email need prayer. Their objectives as believers aren’t where they should be don’t judge them based on their email pray for them. Remember take no vengeance for yourselves. I’m going to be totally honest with you. When he brought up the issue of lust I didn’t know what he was talking about because you are good looking but I’m not going to lust after you because that’s not of God. Children of God weren’t created to lust after one another were created to love each other. Now I don’t always agree with your mom posts and we’ve had the knock-down drag-out fights that only Maury Povich can settle but in the end is your blog not Anthony’s blog and even though I don’t necessarily like every bit of your content I can still appreciate what you do. I believe your purpose for the blog is Meaningful. Don’t ever stop with the blog because remember the pen is mightier than the sword. 😉. PostScript there are some post I don’t like but I don’t argue with you about it. In case anybody is wondering who’s ever reading this comment right now I’m not the person that sent that email sometimes though people have different opinions and that’s okay because we all have different perspectives story can be told from many different angles. Even though I might not agree with everything you write in your bong I’ve grown to appreciate your writing.

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    1. Thanks so much for your support Anthony. You’re so right, I need to pray for this person – easier said than done. But you’re right I need to rise above and just brush it out. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  24. Some folks are just so unhappy, and they can’t fix it. Instead they go about seeking to “fix” others. Consider the source. This source is a punk hiding on the web. Hit delete and keep your lovely life moving. You are a powerhouse and don’t you forget it.

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  25. Yikes🤦‍♂️…ignorance is an understatement for this person…praying much for them, whoever he/she is.

    First off, from a man’s perspective, no word or picture that you’ve posted has ever made me “lust after you”, Caralyn. If anybody feels that way, then the issue is on their end.

    Secondly, as a husband and the father of two daughters, your story and testimony are particularly inspiring to me, because I work hard to affirm in my wife and daughters that they are beautiful both in God’s eyes and in mine. Your testimony is extremely relevant in a culture where so many women are struggling with their image and self-esteem.

    Don’t be sidetracked by this…you are an encouragement to women, and to the men that love them!

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    1. Thanks so much Wayne. I appreciate your support and encouragement. You’re right – I need to pray for this person too, which is easier said than done! Hah It sounds like you’re a great father! Thanks for the kindness. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  26. You owe no one explanations as to your true motives for writing your blog. Remember that God sees our heart and He is the only one we need to answer to. With that said, you have a beautiful blog and I truly believe you have a calling. There are many young girls out there unhappy with their bodies and have a low self image. Thank you, Thank you, for helping others with your story. And as a mom to young adults, one being a daughter, thank you for shedding light into your parents side as well. KEEP DOING what you’re doing!!! You are truly beautiful inside and out!

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    1. Thanks so much friend. I really appreciate your support and encouragement. That is my deepest prayer: that even one of those young girls could find hope and positivity here. Thanks for the affirming words. Sending big big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  29. As another stated in a comment – YOU owe nobody an explanation – Just “Do You and BE You” and let God sort out the rest! As far as the person who sent you that email – he probably got what he wanted out of you and that was a rebuttal response. He was just lusting after you himself and knew deep down that he could never have you. People need to hear what you have to say – if nothing else other than there is recovery to be had. As far as the “others” – they can see how strong people can be IF they put their mind to it!!! Lotsa Love, Hope and Prayers – Keep the Faith

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      1. You know – I got to thinking more on the “lust” issue and maybe there is some validity to what that guy was saying – or at least thinking lol – Hear me out first……… What more could one want in a mate or a relationship or even a friend than a real person who has experienced failure and success. A real person who has strived for something and had the tenacity to finally obtain the prize. Secondly, someone who has a deep connection to their spiritual wellbeing and a love for God and someone who has a heart for others and willing to share their life experiences with others to possibly help them overcome whatever may be holding them down. You have put your life out there for all to see and your true “Beauty –Beyond- Bones” shines through. Obviously you have a beautiful interior as well as exterior – there is so much more to you than meets the eye and just maybe that is what makes you that much more attractive. A pure heart, mind, body and soul. Again, you have no reason to explain your actions to others – keep doing what you do and follow your heart. Only you and God know your true intentions and you cannot help what others think or the way that they take certain perspectives.

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  30. Sin takes the appreciation of beauty and changes it into lust – the sin is not committed by the person who is beautiful but by the person who gives into lust. Self-control leads us to look away when it is too much and over time God transforming power allows us to look again and see only the beauty that God has created. There are things on the internet targeted at making men (woman) lust, this site seems to be lacking that component so it must be an issue of perception through the eyes of sin that is causing men to lust and God telling them to look away to avoid the sinful thoughts. We all have weaknesses in one area or another – we all are “recovering from something”

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Bless you and all you’ve gone through! Know you are not alone; I’m so glad you found help!! Thank YOU for “liking” my blog post so that I found YOU! Yes, kindness is ALWAYS the right direction to all you meet; no one knows what it is like to walk in another’s shoes! ❤

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  32. Ouch! The guy’s words are indeed hurtful. Obviously, he’s mistaken. Fortunately, people’s opinion of us does not define us. Not with an identity rooted in Jesus Christ, which I believe yours is. You are helping others with your story. Keep it up!

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  33. Some folk read through their own twisted filters and see what they want to see. If they then troll about it it can be upsetting but you’re right, the majority of internet users ARE better than that and so very many of your readers aren’t coming here to judge or berate you but to share in your journey and learn more about your world. Keep on being you. X

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  35. You’re very conservative to me. What the heck is this guy talking about. Maybe he has a crush on you. He’s jealous. Or maybe a secret admirer.

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  38. I have no idea how many guys read your blog. But I am one that does. There have been times I have agreed with you, cheered with you, and, yep, rarely, decided I wasn’t enjoying the post and stopped reading. I expect the same thing happens with those who read mine as well.

    But kid, though you are truly gorgeous (and there is no denying that) NOT once, ever, even a little has there be anything to indicate “Oooo hey boys LUST after me!” (I really think that would entail at least a bit of nudity, but what do I know.)

    There are truly people who are dumbasses, and who want to prey on those who have big hearts. If I had a daughter, I would want her to read this, and learn from you. I don’t share your beliefs. but I truly believe you are one of the kindest most caring individuals I ‘know’. PLUS you are a damn sight tougher than any troll!

    Stick to who your are, and write your blog the way you want! Take care!

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  39. Don’t let someone like that get to you. We all experience a naive and ignorant person who writes something negative. Just let their comments roll off you and move forward. Life is really too short to give them the time of day. Just peruse all the comments from the other bloggers out there who you inspire and let that fuel you to continue your plight. Stay strong Caralyn!

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  42. Hi Caralyn,

    Kind of a late response – I was at Kids Camp last week (amazing time, no sleep but GREAT kids).

    I think I’ve told you – and here it is if not – that I run a Pure Desire group for sexually addicted men. It’s estimated that 65% of men have a problem in the area and the internet has made things far worse. Men, who have a particular problem with eye-gate (arousal by what they see), have been taught – indeed URGED – to view women as objects. Porn is not a victimless crime as its purveyors so loudly proclaim. It slowly kills the people who view it, their marriages/relationships and certainly its stars and performers (because that’s what it is.

    No doubt the person who called you this is in trouble this way. Your beauty – and you have a lot of beauty inside and out – can only tempt some people to think lurid thoughts. That’s the disease we battle in Pure Desire.

    But it means NOTHING about you except that you are indeed beautiful. Take it as that, please, and don’t even consider the accusation of your motives, which are amazing and redemptive. You have it going on, to cite the popular phrase, in the most powerful and personal way. I wish this didn’t make you a target, but it does.

    Please accept an apology in proxy from me, a guy who once had the same issues. You’re amazing, and God has has amazing things for you; you’ll see. Keep on in your work and communication, it’s literally saving lives, so never stop.

    Blessings,

    John

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    1. Hi John, thank you so much for this powerful perspective. I’m so glad that the camp went well. I think it is so amazing the ministry you have helping men. What a gift you are giving to help them. So awesome. Thanks for the encouragement and support. Hugs and love xox

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  43. I am so sorry this happened to you. Darkness is everywhere. Praying for your peace, comfort and protection.

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  44. It takes practice in learning to see other peoples comments as a reflection of who they are inside, and nothing to do with your unique self.
    I support your journey of returning home to the knowledge of your authentic self.
    My wisdom is ever present as tools of guidance.
    Love and blessings…

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  45. I took some time to respond because I found this bizarre. As a surrogate big brother, I wanted to rush to your defense. But I’m primarily a thinker, and here’s what I think happened. There’s a reason the “damsel in distress” is a popular motif in fairy tales and movies. There is an instinct in many men to want to slay dragons and rescue the princess, after which (we imagine) she will fall in love with him and they will live happily ever after. In modern times, there’s a new twist. The princess who does not wait for a man to be her hero. Wonder Woman exemplifies this. She slays the dragons herself and looks like Gal Gadot doing it. That also has a very strong appeal for men. And you are, in your own way, Wonder Woman. You have slain your dragons in your battle against ED. You have shown both strength and vulnerability because you have shared your struggles with complete authenticity. And you have come out of it looking great. I’m really not surprised that men find you appealing, so it’s not as bizarre as I thought at first. I’ve told you before, the character and strength you’ve developed make you more attractive, not less.
    However, if that attraction turns to arousal, which happens to everyone, some men don’t know how to handle that. Pardon me for getting explicit here, they think if they have an erection, it’s a sin, and they blame the woman for it. When Jesus said, “If a man looks upon a woman lustfully, he has committed adultery in his heart,” he didn’t mean it’s a sin to have an erection. He was telling men handling your lust is your responsibility, so don’t blame the woman for your arousal.
    I only point this out to say you’re a beautiful woman, inside and out. Some men might feel aroused even if you don’t intend to arouse them. That is their problem, not yours. They could just as easily be aroused reading how Adam and Eve were “naked and unashamed,” or the Song of Solomon. Do not let that change what you are doing one iota. Your 20,000+ followers are not following because we lust after you. It’s because your honesty and openness is helping us with our struggles in recovery from ED or depression or whatever dragons we have to fight.

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    1. Hi David, thank you so much for your thought response. I am humbled by your Wonder Woman comparison. Thank you. Lots of powerful food for thought here. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

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  46. It was probably your bravery to joke about “any available bachelors out there…???” But, I wouldn’t know. I’m not one to talk. I’m a bully. All men are bullies. That’s why women like them. Or else they aren’t men. Every man wants to play The Taming of the Shrew. All women are wily, crafty, conniving, and cunning. They all want to play the temptress. You should take it as a compliment. These qualities why men want them. And no one wants to talk to a bully. They’d rather talk to his Delilah. And the woman needs a body guard, or strong, muscled helper like a Moses or Jacob. Now, whether she can trust him or not, well… I mean, was David even trustworthy by the end of his life? He locked his women all up as widows. A woman even got together with Cain after all that he did. Now, why? I’m no saint. I don’t want to be. I don’t even want to be Christian. That’s why I keep asking (and I should go away, really to just let you do your CHRistian thing), but, really, why ARE you a Christian? Beyond that he HEALED you. I guess I only write, because, yet again, like any good shrew, you are PROMISING…to answer questions (which you never really do because the questions are both too “probing” and “triggering.”)

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  48. I loved this post!!!! Loved loved loved it! People can be so cruel. I really enjoyed your post. You’re honestly and sincerity was very refreshing. Thank you for sharing it. I hope others are able to learn from your experience and are able to be helped.

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  50. The motive for this explanatory post, and evidently for your blog, is the very motive behind mine – that there’s nearly always so much more to consider than face value can suggest – so I appreciate this post all the more for its wide-open honesty and its conviction. Thank you for taking it upon yourself to be an inspirational, positive role model.

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