Virgin Shaming?

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

There are three things you should know about me.

Number One: My go-to drink is a vodka soda with two limes. With straight up-tequila coming in at a close second.

Number Two: It only takes 1/2 a drink for me to get notably tipsy.

Number Three: I am completely guarded in word and heart….until said tipsy state has been actuated.

Last night was one of those nights.

giphy

I was catching up with a good friend of mine up in Harlem. We were at this really cool speakeasy with smooth jazz, exposed brick, high concept cocktails, and where the menus are literally pasted into old hard-cover books.

She and I were having a great time. Chatting. Laughing. Making friends with the cute bartender. You know. A typical Tuesday night for your twenty-something New Yorker.

But as the night went along, and the conversation had turned to dating and the atrocity of the modern day, “Swipe-right“-App-driven dating scene, I found myself opening my heart to her about some of my fears and struggles when it comes to the romance department.

And you know how, when you’re a little loosy-goosy, you can almost hear yourself talking – completely self aware of how you’re coming off, and yet simultaneously you’ve willingly abandoned the ability to filter what it is you’re saying?

giphy-5

If that makes any sense at all?

Anyway, I’ll just cut to the chase here…

I literally heard these words come out of my mouth:

“I think I’m afraid to date because I fear that, because I’m a virgin, I won’t be enough for a man. I’d be a waste of time.”

And bless her heart, my friend was so kind and built me up and reassured me as any good friend would do.

But the following day, with sober-Caralyn reflecting on that cringe-worthy confession, it gave me a lot of emotions. A lot of “feels” – as the kids these days are saying. 😉

I’m going to be really honest – I’ve reached the age where, being a virgin is no longer “cute.” It’s more like…what’s wrong with her?

You all know my love for The Bachelor – and one of the themes that has come up recently on Bachelor in Paradise, – and frankly in the media at large – is the concept of “Virgin Shaming.”

And I can fully affirm, that that is absolutely, positively a real thing.

giphy-4

I know that my virginity is nothing to be ashamed of, and truthfully, it gives me so much joy and peace to know that I will be able to give that to my future husband one day, but the fact is…right now...I feel like less of a woman. I feel like I’m defective. Or undesirable. Frankly, I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment.


And let me just say, I’m not looking to be built up or complimented or anything like that. I’m just processing a comment I uttered when my walls were down that quite honestly, shocked me. Frankly, I thought I was “stronger” than letting the pressures of society get to me like that. But I guess, my inner heart can still be wounded, no matter how tough of defenses I try to enact.

I think I’m at a very dangerous crossroads of two very different paths. One, of a closed off existence, lived in fear and shame – having cowered away from even looking for a man, simply because I’m afraid of disappointing someone with my non-easiness. Or the other road, where I remain emotionally open and receptive to a relationship – dare I say: even seeking one out, with the confidence and assuredness in my decision to remain a virgin until marriage.

Because it’s either one or the other. There’s not really much grey area anymore – I’m either open to love, or I’m not. And am I really going to let my self-consciousness in the lack of knotches on my belt be the determining factor?

That would be quite the tragedy.

giphy-9

I guess, this is just my public proclamation, that I am not going to let the shame I may feel get the best of me and dictate the direction my life is going to take.

Because the fact is, I do have a lot to offer a man.

And I’m going to be a damn good wife, if I do say so myself.

giphy-8

But I can’t be afraid to put myself out there, just because I’m nervous about what he’ll say.

Will it be a deal breaker for some guys? Yes. Probably most guys.

But not for the guy. Not for the right guy.

But I’m not going to meet that guy if I just reject every offer that comes my way and swear off dating, simply because I’m afraid. That’s a pocket veto if I’ve ever seen one.

img_4204

SO. Before the month is over, I’m going to go on one date. By Oct 1. I have to stop turning down opportunities, and actually accept one date. I’m asking you to hold me accountable. Okay?

Kapeesh?

Good. Thanks. Glad that’s settled.

Now please excuse me while I go and try to ‘be approachable’ at Barnes & Noble.

giphy-7

***Thanks to everyone who has ordered by book, Bloom: A Journal by BeautyBeyondBones!***

Click here to order your copy!

img_5173
________________________________________________________________
Stay Connected!
@beauty.beyond.bones – Instagram

Facebook

Twitter

YouTube

A big thank you to my new sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy.  Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.

Next time you’re shopping on Amazon, be sure to use my link! Doing so is absolutely FREE for you, and a great way to support this blog!

patreon

Thank you for considering supporting BBB on Patreon! You make this blog possible 🙂

img_2714-1

Published by

Unknown's avatar

beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

703 thoughts on “Virgin Shaming?”

  2. It is not that you are less of a woman because you are a virgin. Others are less of a woman if they have never been married and are not a virgin. Why? Because you have purity and others gave their purity away for free.

    Liked by 1 person

    2. Hey! I love that you are seeking to encourage this awesome blogger. I don’t feel like it is necessary to shame others who have made mistakes. I believe that Jesus forgives people and even restores their purity and virginity. I have friends with testimonies of this. How about we keep things shame-free in all directions? Hugs!

      Liked by 6 people

    3. i appreciate your affirmation. I just want to pop back and say that I don’t believe that not being a virgin makes someone any less of a person. Because Christ makes all things new 🙂 That’s all 🙂 I’m glad you stopped by tonight! big hugs xox

      Liked by 4 people

      1. I think jollymabond may have been reacting to the comment by heavensrecord… that was my take anyway. Always appreciate your honesty.

        Like

  3. I think it’s wonderful that you are strong enough to wait for the right man! Why it matters so much is a shame. I’m proud of you and I know the right man will come along and be perfect for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pastor, once again I am so proud of you. Get Tim Tebows book at the bookstore , read it and then get in touch with him. Minor league baseball finishing up so he will be commenting on SEC football for tv. Say hi to your mom. I pray for you and your family. Ok. Let’s see how this sounds……Mrs. Tebow! I like it! Hope you do too!
    Idea fromGod’s Holy Spirit!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Look at it this way-your man will be the WHOLE package with a pretty bow. It’s a gift, remember that. The right man will know that too. You’re 100% woman and you roar. Walk intentional, you’ve been intentional this far, don’t let a loose society saturated in sex make you feel like you’re somehow less because you haven’t subscribed to it. Awesome is what it is. You. Go. Girl. 💋

    Liked by 1 person

  9. The most important question we need to ask ourselves, is, “How does God see this?”
    I was a virgin when I married, but I was a harlot in my thought life. In God’s eyes I was not a virgin. Another woman may have slept around, but then repented and received forgiveness. She is made pure by the blood of Jesus.
    Remember, we have no righteousness of our own. We cannot boast in our own purity, but only in that of Christ our Saviour.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so much for sharing this. I think you really touched on a great point. No matter if we are a virgin or not – in thought or deed – Christ makes us all clean and new. And not one thing is “too big” for His blood. I love this so much. thanks for saying that. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Sorry, I’ve been following you for a bit. Please do what you need to do. Within whatever framework of morality you identify with. I wish you all the happiness in this world. 😃

        Like

  13. As hard as it is, don’t let our culture dictate your feelings on this issue. You have remained strong in this because of your convictions and FAITH that the right man will come along at the right time. The right man, a man of God, will be honored to have a woman who respected herself and her relationship with Christ (at least he better!). Don’t let the darkness in our culture keep you from shining brightly in your pursuit of purity.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Stay true to the standards of God. Then you will not have to worry about sexually transmitted diseases, ungodly soul ties and messes. You will find the right man who will love you for who you are. Awesome!

    Liked by 4 people

  15. its a sign of the times, when ‘virgin’ prior to marriage, is something to cause embarrassment! Bravo, for your principles, and bravo for your openness here. A principled man, and a principled woman, with Jesus as his /her center, honors his/her betrothed, honors God, and sets a pure example. While I was a worldly man once upon a time- and had a lot to repent of, my subsequent rebirth, purity in dating and subsequent wedded life has been a blessing. Oh, one more thing, I would NEVER go on a date without another couple, in the faith, chaperoning one another. keeps fun in – and sin, out.

    Liked by 4 people

  16. I just want to thank you for posting this. I feel the reality of this shaming as well, from peers as well as even high school boys. And it makes me angry. It makes me furious that someone would condemn me because my standards are an inconvenience to them. And I think that anger is righteous, because shaming women who are virgins for staying true to God is despicable. And on this rant, I also feel a need to bring up the double standards that accompany this shaming. Women are expected to have sexual experience to be worthwhile, but at the same time cannot be sluts, whores, zipperless, easy, or whatever else they may call those who choose to sleep around. I do not expect my views to be sympathized with by many, so I thank you for staying strong with me in this pursuit of God and all He has for us. You are a blessing.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. thanks for sharing this, friend. I’m sorry you can so personally relate. Yeah, you bring up A LOT of great points here. I wish there was a spirit of love and compassion all the way around in society. Glad you stopped by! big hugs xox

      Like

  17. Hey! I just want to encourage you to never let the viewpoints of this world make you change yours. I don’t know if you have read this, but a while ago I wrote about my stance on virginity as a 22 year old man. There are guys out there that are waiting for marriage! Guys out there that really really respect virginity. Keep persevering and don’t lose heart.

    https://wanderinginwondertoday.com/2017/02/14/girls-dont-deserve-roses/

    Liked by 3 people

    1. aw thank you so much for saying that. I really appreciate the encouragement. It’s nice to know that there are others in the same boat!! 🙂 and also, thank you for having the courage to share that. I look forward to reading your post. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  18. The witness to virginity is important for a reason most don’t admit. The cultural assumption and assertion that we are unfulfilled and incomplete without sex going on is great for those who are sexually active, but absolutely cruel to the many, many people who lose access to sexual intimacy due to factors like
    illness
    age
    can’t compete in the looks department (that’s real)
    survival of childhood abuse or rape at any age (not universally true but does impact intimacy for many)

    There’s also a witness to the church: to many Christians fail to reflect on the high respect given to chaste disciples in the Bible itself. We go with a cultural assumption that to be a Christian is to get married and have kids. Not at all true, all though marriage and parenting have an honored place in Scripture.

    I write all this as a married man (coming up on 28 years), still sexually active (but willing to admit that frequency and performance are not the same as in younger years).

    To despise virginity is to tell me that my life is losing significance as sexual activity becomes less of a defining part of my life, and to tell those who are not sexually active that they are “lesser than.”

    Sorry if it is TMI, but your post was pretty open and honest and I wanted to add on because this is important to many people.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Your number 2. Yes me. 3. Yep that’s me too.
    Actually this whole post is me. You basically took the words right out of my mouth!!! I turn down guys because I’m ashamed of my virginity. Like literally I love this. Thank you for being brave enough to write this and accept a date! I’m rooting for you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Anyone who knows me or reads my blog knows I was not degrading or shaming anyone. If someone took my comment personally, that was their conscience, not my intention. I see you decided to cya with your latest comment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know that was not your intent at all. and I fully know that you are a good hearted, faithful person. I just wanted to clear up any possible misinterpretation, that’s all 🙂 no hard feelings!! 🙂 hugs to you friend xox

      Like

  23. I know there is shaming out there. I think the guys that will look down on you will be the boys that just want sex, though. If you find a man, and he is looking for a relationship, I can’t see how he would shame you for keeping your virginity. That may be due to my naivety, though, but I really think he will respect that! I only slept with the two I was married to, and I would have had great respect if one of them had done the same.

    Like

  24. If you are twenty something, you’r young and you have no reason to rush anything. I think if someone thinks it’s something wrong in you, it is just telling about this society these days. There is so much sex everywhere, too much. Everybody “should be” doing it all the time. I don’t! I feel there’s so much more important things to do. Sex is way too overrated!

    I was 21 when I started my sex life. I felt myself really old but I really wasn’t. You will have time to have sex enough later. It’s great you haven’t rush it only because you “should” be doing it already! Too many people have done it.

    Like

  25. I’m sorry to hear you’re ashamed of something you ought to be proud of…or at least confident in. It shows how drastically society has taken a turn for the worse… Perhaps 100 years ago this would not have been an issue. Don’t let the prevailing social attitudes define what is good or bad, right or wrong. Let God and your conscience do that. Don’t let other people tell you how you should behave or feel when you know they’re wrong.

    When I find myself agreeing with the world’s harmful value system, I try to remind myself to surround my eyes and my brain with things that promote higher standards, and stop reading/watching media that espouses bad values. For example, instead of watching Sex and the City, you could watch Hacksaw Ridge—a movie about a guy who stood up for his faith and convictions, enduring everyone’s scorn then becoming a hero and saving all his former bullies’ lives.

    Try to fill your time and mind with these kinds of role models and media. Let THEM dictate what is “the norm” for you. Refuse to absorb the selfishness, sensuality, and consumerism in pop culture, and find things and people that promote selflessness, integrity, and compassion. Make that your standard. If you want to become an angel, don’t spend time on devils or on their propaganda. It’s hard, but worth trying.

    Trust me, not everyone (and I’m not just talking about the older generations—I am around your age) agrees that losing your virginity before marriage is good, or even acceptable, no matter what Hollywood or popular culture tries to make us think is “the norm.”

    Sorry for the long comment. I just wanted to say: You are not alone in your decision. I’ve made the same one, and I hope I can encourage you to stop feeling bad about it…and you can use your influence to encourage even more young women (and young men) to not feel ashamed of something they have no reason to be ashamed of.

    Be strong 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. this is such such great advice. thank you so much for this awesome reflection. you’re so right – I’ve got to keep focused on those upstanding things, and not let society or the media dictate what I think about and how I think about myself. No need to apologize for a long comment!! i honestly appreciated every single word. have a great night! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  26. As you rightly said.. the right man will love you exactly for who you are and will respect your decision. Your virginity does not define you – it’s just the shallow society in which we live in.

    All the best xx

    Liked by 2 people

  27. I’ve often thought there are few things more noble than standing on the values that you hold dear. I am as excited for you now as I was when I became a fan of your blog. And yes, “the guy” will love you and the SO MUCH you have to offer. If I didn’t sound foolish even thinking it, I’d get in line for just one evening out with the one and only “beautybeyondbones”. You are truly amazing.

    Like

  28. Virginity until marriage is AWESOME! My husband and I met when I was 28 and he was 32, and we had lived our own separate pre-Christian lives before that, so we weren’t virgins. However, we dated like we were, for a year and a half, and had sex for the first time with each other on our wedding night. Even though it’s tough now, it WILL be worth it! I hope this encourages you a bit! I can’t imagine how even more special it would have been if we could have been virgins on our wedding night.

    Like

  29. I will be honest with you, I am so far past my 20’s that it’s not even visible in the rearview mirror.

    That said, I don’t understand the current attitude towards sex. It’s like if you haven’t done it by the 2nd or 3rd date you’re weird. Talk, kiss, sex – dates one, two, and three. Just another thing to do, no real meaning. Is it no wonder that abortion is just something to do if you forgot your pill, or he forgot to put “it” on?

    Nope, just don’t understand it.

    Like

  32. All of this is true. You are not alone. I’m thirty and I’ve never even been kissed. And yes, there’s this weird balance between feeling like you’ve done a great job with self-control and feeling like you aren’t quite a grown up because you haven’t done something a thirteen-year-old can do. Which makes you wonder what’s so grown up about it. And round and round the thought cycle goes.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. One of the worst places about it is … the church. I just *loved* this conversation.
    “are you married?”
    “no.”
    “dating someone?”
    “no.”
    “courtship?”
    “no.”
    “What on God’s green creation is wrong with you? Don’t you know your sole reason for existence is to procreate?”
    I think it’s because they do it in so many subtle ways. They don’t want to be obvious that they think you’re defective because you haven’t fulfilled your part in the circle of life. Things get really fun when they use follow-up questions like: “You do like the opposite sex, don’t you? because we can totally pray for you …”

    Like

  34. better to not have regret. better not to give your heart away too quickly. better not to be heartbroken … stays with you a long time especially with eros involved. The right guy will respect your whole person, chastity included. Let Mary be your example. But also let reality be your guide that using another person leads to terrible heartbreak and shipwreck. Don’t sell yourself short, which I figure you wouldn’t.

    Like

  35. I have even more respect for you now. It’s a wonderful thing to wait to have sex until you’re with the right person. It’s honorable, noble, ethical, and respectful. When I was growing up, some of my friends were having sex when they were 12 years old, which is scary. I waited until I was 17, but I still wish I had waited longer. It wasn’t the right guy. Waiting is a wonderful thing that I wish I had done. Good for you for standing up for what you believe in.

    Like

  36. This is a great post! There is a ton of shaming, both virgin shaming and the shame of not having dated yet. There is the shame of not dating someone if you’re in your middle 20s (something I’m starting to experience a little since I’m 23), and then there’s the shame of being a virgin whether you’ve dated or not. Knowing friends who’ve maintained virginity while dating, there’s shame there too because others around you are like, “You’re not truly dating/living if you’re not maintaining your virginity!”

    Like

  37. Never a dull moment on your blog page. lol. I marvel that someone hasn’t already gotten down on bended knee and plead with you to take them on as partner for life. There certainly isn’t anything wrong with you so it must be that men these days have no appreciation for beauty and brains. 🙂

    Like

  38. You are absolutely amazing and should be so very proud of yourself. What you are like a pure diamond, well better. I don’t see any shame and the value of your virginity is priceless.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  41. Oh, girl. Thank you for writing this. I feel like there’s also a certain amount of ‘shame’ attached to being perpetually single; maybe that’s just in my head, but it’s incredibly tough when you do desire to be in a relationship, but no one’s asking. (To that point, the well-meaning reassurances don’t really help either; adding insult to injury, you know?) But I do also feel like I’m with you and at my own crossroads. I KNOW I’m young and have time, but am I really going to say, “I’m 24 and afraid of rejection for the literal millionth time, so I give up?” Quitting seems a little petty, but it’ll definitely take some work to encourage myself to stay ‘in.’
    Best of luck in your date before October quest, and here’s to waiting for the Right Guy. 🙂

    Like

  44. An article published by Women’s Health Magazine in 2014 entitled Virgins Until Marriage: How Women Who Waited Feel About Their Choice stated the following:
    “A recent Harris poll found that 51 percent of people think that couples should hold off on sex until marriage, and (somewhat surprisingly) 47 percent of Millennials (ages 18-36) agree.” (http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/no-sex-until-marriage)
    It seems more people are waiting, like you, until marriage, and that’s a GOOD thing and an awesome choice! Open your heart, start dating, and those who are worth it will stick around and be interested in getting to know you, not just getting into your pants.

    Like

  45. Miss Caralyn, so yeah on the one hand virgin shaming is a thing. We still deeply respect those who enter religious life. As a young Catholic woman entering religious life is not out of the realm of possibility. And while this feels like an either/or situation: either you open your heart or not – this is a little more nuanced than that. You pray, you discern, you listen – when we’re doing these things we’re open to the movement of the Holy Spirit, and listening to where the Lord want’s us. Perhaps you’re not accepting dates, not saying yes because of some prompting of the Holy Spirit.
    Maybe take half an hour every day for the next so many days or every week for so many weeks and head over to your fave parish for Holy Hour. Check out Theology on Tap. Last I knew there was a very vibrant group through the archdiocese http://catholicnyc.com/
    My guess is that there is more going on here than the written word. It’s kinda like drinking 1/2 a vodka with 2 limes it’s sometimes necessary, and sometimes regrettable, and nothing to be ashamed about.

    Teri

    Like

    1. Hi Teri, thank you so much for sharing this. That’s really great advice. I have to listen to the HS’s promptings and gentle whisper. Yes! I am familiar with the catholicNYC group!! 🙂 haha nice vodka analogy 🙂 hehe thanks again, friend. this really resonated with me. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  46. I get the whole there must be something wrong with you… I am 53 been single nearly all of my adult life and still a virgin. It’s worse for a guy than it is for a girl because there are all sort of negative stereo types that go with single middle aged man who never married. That being said I am comfortable in my own skin I don’t miss being with someone because it’s hard to miss what you’ve really had. Stick to your guns and never feel ashamed of who you are. Don’t be ashamed of holding on to your virtue cherish it and I pray God will give you a worthy man to share your life with

    Like

  47. There are still guys out there who respect this, desire this in a lady, and are even saving themselves for marriage. It takes a ton of discipline (I can only speak from the male perspective). I am encouraged by the fact that you have high standards. You are correct. The right guy will embrace this, and he is worth the wait. Don’t settle for less because you will find yourself disappointed.

    Like

  49. I tell my daughter this all the time: There are plenty of people who are going to look down on you or treat you poorly. You shouldn’t be one of them.

    From my (relatively new follower/reader) perspective, it seems as if you have enough demons to fight without worrying about what is undoubtedly an asset. You’re correct: the right guy won’t be put off.

    Best wishes.

    Like

  50. Girl.. You GOTTA test drive before you buy. Sex is an important part of a relationship, because sexuality is an important part of life.

    Dodge the bad sex bullet for the sake of your sanity, TRUST me;
    I was with a guy for four years who couldn’t even get it in because he would finish before it started. Hell, the disappointing sex life is the only reason I was able to get over him without missing him.
    I sincerely do not intend this in a judgmental way, its just, if I can prevent one woman from going through what I did I feel like my existence is worth something at least haha.

    I believe it was the sound and the fury that taught me that “virginity” is a patriarchal concept created by men.

    Anyway, best of wishes to you in whatever you decide to do.

    Like

Leave a reply to Captain Q Cancel reply