Virgin Shaming?

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

There are three things you should know about me.

Number One: My go-to drink is a vodka soda with two limes. With straight up-tequila coming in at a close second.

Number Two: It only takes 1/2 a drink for me to get notably tipsy.

Number Three: I am completely guarded in word and heart….until said tipsy state has been actuated.

Last night was one of those nights.

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I was catching up with a good friend of mine up in Harlem. We were at this really cool speakeasy with smooth jazz, exposed brick, high concept cocktails, and where the menus are literally pasted into old hard-cover books.

She and I were having a great time. Chatting. Laughing. Making friends with the cute bartender. You know. A typical Tuesday night for your twenty-something New Yorker.

But as the night went along, and the conversation had turned to dating and the atrocity of the modern day, “Swipe-right“-App-driven dating scene, I found myself opening my heart to her about some of my fears and struggles when it comes to the romance department.

And you know how, when you’re a little loosy-goosy, you can almost hear yourself talking – completely self aware of how you’re coming off, and yet simultaneously you’ve willingly abandoned the ability to filter what it is you’re saying?

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If that makes any sense at all?

Anyway, I’ll just cut to the chase here…

I literally heard these words come out of my mouth:

“I think I’m afraid to date because I fear that, because I’m a virgin, I won’t be enough for a man. I’d be a waste of time.”

And bless her heart, my friend was so kind and built me up and reassured me as any good friend would do.

But the following day, with sober-Caralyn reflecting on that cringe-worthy confession, it gave me a lot of emotions. A lot of “feels” – as the kids these days are saying. 😉

I’m going to be really honest – I’ve reached the age where, being a virgin is no longer “cute.” It’s more like…what’s wrong with her?

You all know my love for The Bachelor – and one of the themes that has come up recently on Bachelor in Paradise, – and frankly in the media at large – is the concept of “Virgin Shaming.”

And I can fully affirm, that that is absolutely, positively a real thing.

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I know that my virginity is nothing to be ashamed of, and truthfully, it gives me so much joy and peace to know that I will be able to give that to my future husband one day, but the fact is…right now...I feel like less of a woman. I feel like I’m defective. Or undesirable. Frankly, I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment.


And let me just say, I’m not looking to be built up or complimented or anything like that. I’m just processing a comment I uttered when my walls were down that quite honestly, shocked me. Frankly, I thought I was “stronger” than letting the pressures of society get to me like that. But I guess, my inner heart can still be wounded, no matter how tough of defenses I try to enact.

I think I’m at a very dangerous crossroads of two very different paths. One, of a closed off existence, lived in fear and shame – having cowered away from even looking for a man, simply because I’m afraid of disappointing someone with my non-easiness. Or the other road, where I remain emotionally open and receptive to a relationship – dare I say: even seeking one out, with the confidence and assuredness in my decision to remain a virgin until marriage.

Because it’s either one or the other. There’s not really much grey area anymore – I’m either open to love, or I’m not. And am I really going to let my self-consciousness in the lack of knotches on my belt be the determining factor?

That would be quite the tragedy.

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I guess, this is just my public proclamation, that I am not going to let the shame I may feel get the best of me and dictate the direction my life is going to take.

Because the fact is, I do have a lot to offer a man.

And I’m going to be a damn good wife, if I do say so myself.

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But I can’t be afraid to put myself out there, just because I’m nervous about what he’ll say.

Will it be a deal breaker for some guys? Yes. Probably most guys.

But not for the guy. Not for the right guy.

But I’m not going to meet that guy if I just reject every offer that comes my way and swear off dating, simply because I’m afraid. That’s a pocket veto if I’ve ever seen one.

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SO. Before the month is over, I’m going to go on one date. By Oct 1. I have to stop turning down opportunities, and actually accept one date. I’m asking you to hold me accountable. Okay?

Kapeesh?

Good. Thanks. Glad that’s settled.

Now please excuse me while I go and try to ‘be approachable’ at Barnes & Noble.

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***Thanks to everyone who has ordered by book, Bloom: A Journal by BeautyBeyondBones!***

Click here to order your copy!

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703 thoughts on “Virgin Shaming?”

  1. Absolutely no shame in your non game. After my divorce I adopted a no-sex rule. Happily married to the man who respected my boundaries. Before I met him I got dumped for having food boundaries, men who couldn’t deal with the way I ate, the way I said ‘no’, the way I respected myself. The man who accepted me for my truths, proposed. Love is all about truth. Keep living your truth. Congrats on your book and honoring your self. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you are less because of your virginity, man or woman. I still wish that I had mine. What you are doing is beautiful and strong, and I applaud you for it!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Virgin shaming is definitely a very real problem in our society and you have nothing to be ashamed of in doing what feels right with you. Just like ‘slut shaming’ should no longer be a thing, neither should shaming people for waiting until marriage or at least the right person. And as you said, the right guy will not mind at all! x

    Liked by 2 people

  5. BBB,
    You know I am proud of you right? Your virginity is worth more temporary acceptance by men or unfriendly friends.
    Some of them feel sad and miserable when confronted with the fact that they are no longer what you are now… Virgin.

    Premarital sex is exaggerated and overhyped. Trust me, it is!
    A man who cannot stay with you without sex is not worthy to spend the rest of his life banging you and licking your sweet honey.
    Virginity is a treasure keep it and it is good for your brand and it helps creativity.
    From Nigeria
    Olatunji Rockdweller

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Nothing to be ashamed of. I am 31 years man and had a full sexual relationship and I regret nothing. I had many chances to do it but refused because I couldn’t find somebody who I can communicate with on spiritual level. Authentic spiritual people are rare and they just need true spiritual love to feel pleasure in the rest of their activities together. If they do it only for instinctual reasons, they know they bury their soul in the blindness of their bodies. And how could they give up the thing they found the most happiness within? Nothing to be ashamed of in being different or happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Life is definitely harder all round for your generation. This question should never being putting someone off a first date – dating shd not be about having sex that first time, or even that third time – sex is for when we know each other – amazing it has got as far as first dates … society should have a think about ‘using other people’ …

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I know you said you’re not looking for affirmation, but I think it’s awesome to stay pure until marriage. It’s so worth it! Our society has everything backwards and I honestly think most people are more unhappy because of it. You are an encouragement to others who are doing this same thing. May the Lord bless you!

    Liked by 4 people

  11. I felt the same way. When I met my husband I was embarrassed, but the way he reacted was beautiful and special. It was a reminder to me that waiting for this man was the best choice I could have made. You are awesome, and if some guy has an issue with that then he doesn’t deserve you. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 4 people

  13. Hi, well life throws some strange things at us all, virginity is something to be proud of. It has nothing to do with self restraint but it focuses on our acknowledgement of God’s right to set the standards in our lives. You bet it is a struggle and that young people leave themselves open to ridicule from their peers.
    Yet when we reflect on the important things our relationship with God outweighs everything.
    So commendation for the strong stand and to every person who has decided to follow the bible standard.
    The expression of love through intimacy within a marriage before god is different to other relationships. We need to contrast the bibles statements about morality and the fact that the bible says humanity is living in the power of the wick one – the ruler of the spirit of this world is another wonderful phrase. So don’t expect a secular world to agree with a godly decision.
    Be proud of your decision and be courageous.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Very beautiful and honest post. Please hold your head high and walk with pride. You are on the right track. Open up a bit and go on a date, be yourself and trust God, and believe me, God will bring someone who loves you just as you are. Someone who will never pressure you till you both are married. I made a decision that I must marry a virgin, and that I did. That was a deal breaker. When I met my husband he didn’t know I was a virgin (I didn’t say). You can imagine his utter joy and high regard for me on our wedding night. God bless your sweet gentle heart. 🌸 🌺

    Liked by 1 person

  15. When I read your blog – especially posts like this – I can’t help but wonder what an inspiration you must be to other young women (especially teen girls) who have to deal with the pressures of society. I admire you and the way you discuss struggles like these, but having followed your posts, I think (as if my opinion holds any weight) you will follow the path God sets out for you.

    Virginity is such an interesting topic when it comes to dating, and having relinquished mine long before I married, I can easily say its the one thing I regret in my life. I remember one day, when my wife and I were struggling in our marriage she asked me if I had any regrets about our relationship. As I told her then, and still believe now, I wish I would have given my V-card to her because it is truly a perfect gift.

    Oh…and date…
    …a LOT! Have fun, enjoy the company, enjoy the laughs, and work through the process of discovering the man that would be the ideal partner in your life! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I had a moment (semi) similar to yours when a “friend” of my husband’s went on and on and ON about how much he loves weed. We were chatting and I explained to this guy that I don’t smoke weed. Or do any drugs. He started asking questions and I answered, but he was so confused as to why I didn’t wake up and start smoking weed. Because I guess that’s the cultural norm? Maybe? I don’t know. My point is, you’re a Christian and your world view is going to be drastically different from others. Like you said, embrace it. Own it.

    Like

  17. i get what you mean. i waited til i got married and was almost ashamed to have to finally tell my (at the time) fiance. we set strict boundaries when we were dating and made it so that we both KNEW there was no chance of pre-marital anything happening and we followed it tightly. we never talked about sex, never talked about where we stood. until i got a facebook message one night from my beloved man and he finally asked me. and i sort of hung my head because i felt like i was defective, you know? but that isn’t the truth of it at all. i’d had boyfriends, i’d dated, i’d pushed things too far, you know. typical things. but i still felt less than. i dated people in high school, before i was a Christian, and i just sort of “knew it was wrong to go too far until you’re married.” plus my sister had a baby when she was 20 and that was terrifying to me. and i think the first word i ever received from God was when i was 16-“If you sleep with your boyfriend, you will absolutely get pregnant.” and i mean that seriously. Now that i’m married, it gives me wise words to share with my 18 year old step daughter- who has a child. it gives me ways to reach out to younger folks, and even some my age, who struggle with the same thing. I think that I shamed myself so much that I even struggle with it now. I was terrified that when we got married, all of my husband’s friends would know that I was this coy little virgin, you know? Terrifying. I don’t know. this is a lot of rambling. just want you to know that your feelings aren’t invalid and that you’re not the only one to have ever uttered those words or to feel the pressure, even if you don’t want to really believe you listen to the media. Keep on, girl.

    On Thu, Sep 14, 2017 at 6:59 PM, BeautyBeyondBones wrote:

    > beautybeyondbones posted: “There are three things you should know about > me. Number One: My go-to drink is a vodka soda with two limes. With > straight up-tequila coming in at a close second. Number Two: It only takes > 1/2 a drink for me to get notably tipsy. Number Three: I am comp” >

    Liked by 3 people

  18. God WILL be your strength as you continue to obey His will for your life! Purity is a precious gift that you will give your future husband (sadly, far too many of us only had shame to share with our spouse when we said “I do.”)

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I absolutely have the utmost respect for you in general, because I appreciate the fact that you are not afraid to share your struggles and triumphs honestly. You are more than wise for guarding that part of you; regarding your virginity. Most of my life, I correlated sex with love. I thought that that was love, also all I was good for. If I could do it all over again, I would have loved myself enough to realize just how untrue that was.

    Be proud girl. Because it’s something to be said for waiting. I think it’s pretty awesome, and I know there are a lot of women, that wish they would have too.

    Much love.xo

    Liked by 2 people

  21. You’ll have sex when it’s the right time. You can’t rush it. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was well into nominal adulthood. I spent my twenties virgin-shamed, and I confess that I, too, felt there was something about me that was defective. That’s what virgin-shaming does to people. But you can’t put a fixed date on when someone should have sex for the first time. Rushing into it thinking you need to do it just because society tells you that you should, is the best way to guarantee that your first time will be anything but a positive experience to be remembered fondly. If anything, it’ll be something you cringe at the thought of for how foolish you were.

    So don’t feel too bad. What you’re feeling is your biological clock ticking. We all have one (yes, even us guys). And its ticking only grows louder as we age. That’s natural. But your time will come. It’s simply a matter of meeting the right person and having that moment of mutual chemistry where you both decide, this is it, it’s happening, we’re having each other. Feel free to send an email my way if you want to hear about my first time experience and why it, and not sometime in my high school years, was the right moment.

    Liked by 2 people

  22. I wish I could trade in my lifetime of promiscuity to have only shared that with my husband! You never understand how special it is until you are married, but one day you will, and you will be so thankful that you waited!

    Liked by 3 people

  25. I think what’s even harder is dating after divorce and after you’ve had sex. When you’re in your mid-30s and have clearly had sex before (2 kids to prove it) then it is that much more expected and they feel rejected and sometimes even get offensive & insulting if you tell them no.

    Liked by 2 people

  26. I read your blog regularly and I think it’s incredible that you have been so open. I’m pretty sure you will receive many comments that will support your choice and I wholeheartedly agree with much of the sentiment that supports your choice. I see nothing wrong with remaining a virgin until you have found that special someone, thank you not only for sharing but bringing such a sensitive issue to light in such a courageous and tasteful way. I found this very insightful, thank you for sharing and never give up hope. Good luck!

    Liked by 3 people

  27. I love reading your work. You are bold and honest. You could be like me. First husband, I was a virgin. He cheated on me. Second husband, I had some fun first. Got herpes. Never gave it to him but had to have cesareans with my children. I had shame there. Do what your heart tells you. Act not react.

    Liked by 2 people

  28. There isn’t much more honorable than waiting for the right person. The RIGHT person will have no problems in waiting WITH you until after the “I do’s”. I. personally, am proud of you for not only waiting but being able to openly address it. I wish we, as a society, could go back to the moral values that we once had. As the father of 2 young kids, it is refreshing to see people sticking to their values. I pray that they both follow a similar path. Thank you!

    Liked by 3 people

  29. If a guy has a problem with that then he is not the guy for you. You deserve a guy that is going to respect your choice and honor it and you. I think it’s amazing you are waiting. You seem like a great person and lady from what I’m seeing and would make any guy a lucky guy. If you were out in my area def a person I would ask out on a date! Stay you! And hey if you were in my area I would be happy to ask you out and even date if it were in the cards.

    Like

  30. I think your story is both an inspiration and very wise advice as well. I applaud your stance and determination to hold fast to your precious gift of virginity. I know you wrote you didn’t need any building up, but you are being held up in prayer. I have one question for you, and I think I know the answer. The question is Why? What is your main reason for remaining a virgin until you are married? If it is other than because you desire to be faithful to the Word of God and having His best for you, you might have a problem keeping your commitment. Blessings to you always and keep living in His grace and love. D.T. Osborn

    Liked by 2 people

  32. Wow! Thank you for writing this. You’re probably voicing what a lot of women have been through or are going through. I lost my virginity at 21 but it wasn’t really lost because I intentionally sought to get rid of it for some of the same reasons you mentioned. Looking back through the lens of Jesus, I realize that God had given me a special gift and I didn’t really understand the value of it. I held on so long because I knew deep down it was the right thing to do, but I didn’t understand what the “right thing” entailed. Almost 10 years later, and I realized the meaning behind “your body is a temple”, which is scripture and talks about understanding that God (the Holy Spirit) lives inside of us and not giving ourselves to impure things that take away from our closeness with God. You’re on the right path!!!!!!

    Don’t be afraid to dig deeper into the spiritual nature of this journey! It sounds like God has led you to a specific place for a specific purpose. Don’t be discouraged by the shaming of society, remember that society is always opposed to purity and especially to the true things of God. You don’t have to hide in fear and shame. Live boldly and be led by the Spirit of God into all that He has for you. The Bible says, “When a man finds a wife he finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Let him find you. The one who finds you will be looking at you through a spiritual lens and not just a physical one, so he will champion you for your decision! Praying for strength and continued wisdom! Also praying that He continues to use you to encourage others as you are! So glad I found this blog! 🙂

    ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  33. It’s hard to kick a sad little puppy. You probably know that every man you date will immediately compare you to his mother. ‘Course nobody wants to think about their MOTHER’S virginity, or her having done what she did to create the birth of the one looking at his date and comparing said female to his beloved mother. I met a man in New York one time. Bronx. Seems like some of the smartest and dumbest seem to live there. There was an argument. I was a Mormon missionary. Doing “proselyting,” almost as popular a topic a topic as “virginity.” Guy was saying to me that why did Jesus have to be borne in Bethlehem?? I’m like, well, he gotta be borne somewhere. Maybe that was just where it…happened? Guy on the street pops into the conversation, like New Yorkers, stand up for his brother in need. “Bro, it’s ’cause it HAD to happen like the prophesy said.” No more questions. No more discussion. But this guy started, after defendin me, to explain how he had just lost his mother (‘e was probably ’bout 25) 3 months previous. She had died. AND HOW HE MISSED HER. Probably off topic, but I’m just saying, the female that many men come to know best is usually the mother who cradles and holds and coddles him. Thus, the comparison, Freudian logic, and the birth of modern psychology, the biggest bane known to man. And I better stop right there. Before I start kicking sad puppies for no reason.

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  34. Good luck. You have many, it’s clear, interested in what you say and do. My opinion is that you should worship The Lord and be chaste, but you need to work hard, the way a workaholic goes. I can easily infer that you enjoy being active on social media, because you wouldn’t have so much authenticity and success if you weren’t doing it from a place in your heart and mind that is important for everybody interacting with you, and for you most of all.

    Like

  35. thanks for sharing your life with us you beautiful human, I’m struggling at them minute, wish we could talk more you mean a lot to me.

    Like

  39. You are always an inspiration; and I continue to admire you with your deep thoughts on life. Being a virgin myself with the desire of remaining so until marriage, your post and the comments here are really a motivation to uphold this treasure to heart (which is a part of one’s dignity).

    In the words of Maya Angelou, “a woman’s heart must be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him to find her”. Linking it to your post: “will it be a deal breaker for some guys? Yes. Probably most guys.
    But not for the guy. Not for the right guy”.

    In my humble opinion, the right guy deeply knows that:
    It’s a virtue to admire a lady or woman, but an undeniable sin if not coupled with a respect for her dignity. However, it’s a compliment and a sign of true maturity to respect a woman’s dignity even if you don’t admire her.

    I appreciate you as a sister and a friend, and pray that you be united with the Godly-chosen man. Stay bless, and let’s not be ashamed or proud of our virginity but be humble about it.

    Liked by 2 people

  40. You are one of God’s beautiful young ladies. Don’t let anyone shame you because you are waiting for the one that God has in store for you! Just ask God to bring the right man at the right time and He will! God bless you for being a wonderful person in this mixed up world of ours and don’t apologize or feel like you are less than anything! If a guy wants experience, he can go to Vegas or a place where it is, don’t give up your self before God brings you your life partner!

    Liked by 1 person

  41. I feel you Caralyn. I am a virgin too. No shame in it. For a guy, surrounded by family and folks who think otherwise, it can be hard. Guys call to ask me how its possible or how I can hold out this long. Well, Jesus! Plus, I find its an adventure for me and the most precious present I will give Your highness, my future Queen. Anyway Ms. Bloopers, have fun on your date C. Be thyself 🙂 And, don’t forget to be “YELLOW!”

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re welcome Caralyn. And I think your awesome book trademarked “The Color Yellow.” Haha…sounds like “The Color Purple.” Oh snap…BBB movie idea. GO FOR IT CARALYN. Lol

        Like

  42. I’ve said it to a young man who is also still a virgin, and I’ll say it to you (much more briefly): You are NOT missing out on anything fun by saving yourself! There’s a lot more shame and ugliness down that well-trodden wider road. Trust me. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  43. This is a very open an honest post Caralyn. I will say don’t let the devil and his demons get to you. He has convinced the world that being a virgin is a “bad” thing. While you may feel that being a virgin is no longer cute. It’s more than that. It’s a blessing regardless of your age. Hey remember I’m a virgin and I’m 38! You are treating something as sacred. This is what Jesus Christ wants. It’s the world, under the devil’s influence, who has turned sex into something perverse. Sex is only supposed to be between one man and one woman in a marriage. Sex is not supposed to be the most important thing in a marriage…it’s God.

    So stay encouraged and you remain a virgin until marriage. You are only meant for one person anyway and that special person will love you for who you are. He won’t shame you for being a virgin, but will feel honored and blessed to be in your life. Besides, staying a virgin will help you to weed out the immature men from the mature men. Excellent post and may God bless you abundantly!

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  44. Dear BBB,
    What can I say so many others have so eloquently said. I am an old 68 year old guy and when I saw it on my phone via twitter I wrote a nice note and couldn’t figure out how to “send it”. So, today I thought I’d try this. Whether you read it or not I just wanted to put my two cents in and scream YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING and I was enormously moved by your story and putting yourself out there in such a open and humble way on a subject VERY FEW woman or men would dare to have the guts to do. THIS makes YOU one heck of a special person. Not by any means escaping the eye and notice of G-d, you may be quite certain that He will bless you in this life and the life to come. 100% guaranteed.
    Thank you for checking out my site when it went live last week. It was a real encouragement. It was hard launching that thing, it felt like I was landing a space ship or something! G-d bless dear girl! KEEP GOING – HANG IN THERE!

    Liked by 1 person

  45. I swore off dating by the time I was 28. That’s it. I am done. Screw the world…and then HE walked into my life. If your heart and soul is open, Mr. Right? or Mr. you’ll do just fine? will find you. I was a virgin. My hubster was patient and kind. He asked me to marry him after dating for less than two months. I trusted the process. I will admit to you I was afraid to tell him I was inexperienced. I shouldn’t have wasted my time on worry; he knew. We have been married for over twenty years now. Never lose faith in the awesome of who you are and the right guy will be able to see that shine through and everything else will fall into place. *** Peace***

    Liked by 1 person

  46. I’m praying that somewhere out there is a young lady for my son who, like you, holds herself and her future husband in high enough regard to remain a virgin. Waiting for marriage for sex is a gift to both you and your spouse – this from someone who was a virgin and married a virgin. There will be nothing in your past to regret or to feel the need to hide. “Compatibility” won’t be an issue as there won’t be anything to compare with, and it will be a complete act of love. Take it from a twenty three year marriage. You are worth the wait. Anyone who pushes you isn’t worth your precious heart.

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    1. oh, thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. and thank you for sharing your story. what a beautiful marriage story 🙂 congratulations on 23 years! that is really a beautiful testimony of love 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  50. This entry absolutely blew me away and had me so emotional!
    You are so incredible and strong!
    Having a belief you stick to because you choose to is
    truly a thing of beauty.
    It’s the culture and the times to be honest that lay on the pressure.
    You should stick to your resolve.
    Also, I love all the emotion images in your post.
    Your writing made me speechless because it’s brilliant and comes from the heart.
    Any guy would be lucky to have you and like you said there is a guy out there.
    I like to call him, not Mr. Right, but Mr. Right for me.
    Good luck on all the journeys life takes you on.
    Cannot wait to see where your writing goes!

    Much love,

    Maria

    Liked by 1 person

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