Put the Fire Out

I have a confession: one that I’m really not proud of.

But tonight at church, and really for the last couple weeks, I honestly have just felt…nothing.

It’s like I’ve been spiritually numb.

But tonight was different. I was actually getting angry.

I was sitting in the pew, and just inexplicably fuming, being critical of every little thing: the priest seemed arrogant. The pace was too slow. I was literally shooting daggers with my eyes at the elderly woman leading the songs. (A capella, I might add.) Who is this monster I’ve allowed in my thoughts and heart?!

But I was just checked out. And the more I thought about it, the worse it got.

I’m going to be honest: growing up, I had a few episodes of… the silent treatment.

I’m not proud to admit that passive aggressive low blow, but I have been known to give my parents the silent treatment during rare occasions, back in the day, when I was really angry about something.

And I realized tonight, that my behavior pattern in church these last few weeks is exactly that: I’m giving God the silent treatment.

Because I realized tonight, I’m still angry at Him. I’m still feeling really hurt and abandoned and so I’ve been slipping into my old bad habit of icing out the person I’m upset with.

Obviously, I’m upset with God for my mom’s stroke and the aftermath we’re having to adjust to. But there’s recently been something else.

I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I have an autoimmune disease: Ulcerative Colitis. And in the last two weeks, I’ve had a pretty severe symptom flare up: An extra-intestinal symptom, meaning it’s an autoimmune response not associated with Ulcerative Colitis, but just due to the fact that my immune system is screwed up.

Anyways, long story short, I’m just angry that God is allowing this. I’m thinking, Seriously God? You’re going to throw this at me now…when it hasn’t even been a year since my mom’s stroke?

And thinking about it tonight, I know the textbook answer is that I’m supposed to “trust God” and “rely not on my own understanding but believe in His perfect plan and timing.”

And frankly, that just seems so passive right now, when I’ve got this fiery symptom flaring up, and I’m just waiting to see what happens next?

Tonight, during the sermon, I was berating it in my mind, pleading for it to just hurry up and be over already, when my ears caught something that made me actually start listening: the priest’s dad had a stroke.

OK…I’m listening.

He went on to discuss the importance of praise, especially when we’re in seemingly hopeless or upsetting situations.

We can trust. We can do what we have to do. But we must never forget to praise Him, because His love never changes, no matter the circumstance. Not even if we’re icing Him out: His love is worthy of praise.

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Honestly, that’s not really what I wanted to hear tonight. I would have rather just fumed about the hard-of-hearing older woman belting out the hymn, off tempo and off key, and just hate on everything about my current situation.

That would have been the easy – and probably more temporarily satisfying – thing to do. But I realize that by turning my eyes upward, I will take my focus off of myself. I’ll alleviate my fears and worry by thinking about the One who truly has never let me down.

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Turns out that every “seemingly horrible” scenario in my life – be it my anorexia, past flares, mom’s stroke, etc.…each of those literal life altering seasons of my life have set me on the path I needed to be on, and taught me an invaluable lesson along the way.

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I kinda wish I could go back and have a “do-over” of church today, and walk in there with the mindset I have now rather than the Critical Caralyn that hemmed and hawed her way through mass this evening.

I guess there’s always tomorrow for that.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

411 thoughts on “Put the Fire Out

  1. Wow! I love your transparency and term “iced out!” I’ve iced out God a few times myself and ended up building my own self made prison like I talk about in my blog; “Held Captive.” When I was dealing with some pretty big pain I had to come to the point of recognition that I was angry with God and blamed Him for not rescuing me from it all. When in actuality He never “iced me out” He was with me and brought me through it all! Aren’t we glad He never ices us out and we have the power of praise to bring down the walls of our prisons! God bless you!

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  2. This was a good post Caralyn. I had a younger brother that was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis when he was a teenager. His symptoms got really bad and he was very, very sick. He also suffered from depression and an anxiety disorder He committed suicide in April (he was only 39) and my world has not been the same without him. I too have been feeling a lot of heaviness, sadness, and anger and I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I love God so much and I want to be a bright light in this world but it is hard for me right now. I feel like I don’t deserve God’s love because I know better than to be depressed and angry. Thank you for sharing this post. I am glad to know I am not alone. Blessings to you and I will pray for your condition. I know it can be brutal sometimes.

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    1. Oh Tammy, my heart breaks to read this. Oh friend, I am so sorry for your loss. Oh my, this is so tragic. I wish i could give you a hug through the computer right now. yes, cling to God in your pain and hurt and anger because He can take it and He loves you so much. Praying for you and your family during this incredibly difficult season. sending all my love xo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. DearBBB,

    Testing times stink, but He is doing something bigger than our issues. Hope you feel better and see the reasons why.

    Gary

    On Mon, Oct 9, 2017 at 4:01 PM BeautyBeyondBones wrote:

    > beautybeyondbones posted: “I have a confession: one that I’m really not > proud of. But tonight at church, and really for the last couple weeks, I > honestly have just felt…nothing. It’s like I’ve been spiritually numb. But > tonight was different. I was actually getting angry. I w” >

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  4. 💖💖 I too was mad at God. I felt betrayed, abandoned. He took my baby. The devil had been watching me (in my dreams) and in my weakest moment, he got in my jead and tried to destroy what God had revived..my heart, my marriage. It is such a raw feeling. I am studying about suffering. I have not read the whole bible, but there a few verses that spoke to me. That in order to experience His Glory, we must also experience His suffering. And Suffering, builds something, and that builds Character. I don’t understand that part. A blogging friend spoke at my baby’s funeral. She said these words, “intimate pain” that popped my heart with tears. She said, “Something happens to us when we experience such an intimate pain. When we get through it, we are covered by His Grace, that makes us stonger.” When she said that, I felt one day my eyes will be those same eyes of soilders who have survived wars.

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    1. Oh friend. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Gosh my heart just breaks to hear this. I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sure that words cannot begin to express what you went through. I wish I could hug you through the computer right now. Sending all the love and prayers to you Ava. Xoxoxo

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  5. I don’t know if it’s right for me to say this but I think it’s okay to get angry with God and to question why he lets certain things happen. I question it a lot, and even my friend who’s a lay minister just keeps quiet after her one-sentence response… that God has a plan, that it’s not God letting it happen, that it’s the evil one, or it has a purpose or something. She keeps quiet because she knows how painful it is to think that so many children, especially here in (South) Africa, are sexually abused, raped, molested, harmed… killed! Suddenly, I forget about me and my small problems and gripes, even about death or sickness of loved ones, because WHY must innocent, helpless children be raped and killed? I ask again, why? Maybe your questions are not as big a cause of pain and distress but you can ask. Our pains and burdens are relative to who we are and what were built for, after all.

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    1. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, Anne. Some really powerful food for thought. it’s true – there is so much evil in the world, which can only come from satan. thanks for these ideas to think about. Hugs and love xox

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  6. Sometimes while driving downtown to a Sunday night mass I’ve been in a pretty crummy mood. Once I went to the same downtown church early in the morning, misread a parking sign, and came out with a yellow ticket on my windshield! Man, did God ever hear it from me then!

    “Here I am God, going downtown early to be with you… and I get a parking ticket? Why the heck didn’t you sharpen up my mind so I read that sign right?”

    Some years later I found about 80 bucks cash on the sidewalk while walking home from another downtown Mass.

    Ha ha!

    God has a good sense of humor. 🙂

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  7. Caralyn, you always seem to “nail it” in the end. To be honest, at the beginning of this post I thought that you going the wrong way, spiritually, but by the end, you got it right. Praise is the key to everything, no matter what the circumstances are; whether it’s good or not.
    Secondly, I believe God still heals today and not just spiritually. Real, bonafide healing. So, ulcerative colitis, be healed in Jesus name! All flare-ups and pain related to it, leave in Jesus name.
    And again, like you said, praise Him, no matter what.
    Think about it.
    KEEP THE LIGHT ON!

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    1. oh my gosh thank you so much. you always are so darn encouraging! it means the world 🙂 i think you’re right – God really does heal – I believe that whole heartedly. thanks for that! Hugs and love xox

      Like

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