Confession: It’s less than 30 minutes before this post is supposed to go “live,” and I’m still staring at a blank screen.
After Monday’s post, I’ve been, underwhelmed to say the least, to sit down and pour my heart out in an emotional and spiritually uplifting post.
The response, and rather – the backlash – from the post, brought out, some not-so-nice words, to put it lightly. My faith was questioned. I was told I was cursed by God – and that my singleness, infertility and history with anorexia were all signs of said curse. I was called names that would make a sailor blush. (All of said comments have been removed.)
And to be honest, I’m just not, really, feeling the whole emotional vulnerability thing tonight.
And I get that I put out a piece that garnered a lot of feelings from a lot of people, and I did expect that type of response. And frankly, negative feedback comes with the territory of putting yourself on the internet – I completely understand that and am ready to take a few hits. But I guess I wasn’t really expecting it to get that personal.
But: I’m sorry if the piece was offensive to you. Truly, my sincerest apology. I was seeking to merely start a healthy, respectful dialogue. Nothing more, and if my words hit a place of sensitivity, then please accept my apology.
So tonight, I thought I’d share my favorite excerpt from my book, Bloom: A Journal by BeautyBeyondBones.
“May Your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing…Let me hear of Your unfailing love to me in the morning for I am trusting You.” Ps 143:10
“Your unfailing love” That made me scoff. Unfailing love was for “Becky with the good hair.” It was for the choir singers. The do-gooders. Not me. Not the liar. Not the dirty anorexic. All I could see when I looked in the mirror was failure. How could a God with unfailing love, even consider loving a girl that she, herself, was an utter failure? It seemed out of the realm of possibility.
There’s a term I’ve come to lean on. It started in recovery, and since then, has expanded to other areas of my life: Radical Trust. It’s radical because it just doesn’ make any sense. It’s an extreme move.
God, I’m just going to go for it and trust You. Your love and graciousness is unfathomable, and I cannot comprehend how good You really are, so I’m going to be bold and trust You. Be radical and trust that You are going to help me through this incredibly hard and scary season of my life. Turst that You really will give me firm footing and that You really do love me.
Do you believe in His unfailing love to you? Hearing that, how does it make you feel? Can you trust Him? What could happen if you were to trust Him?
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