The Price of Dreams

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m going back to Ohio tomorrow. Just for the weekend.

Honestly, I’ve been counting down until this day for the last five weeks now.

I just need to see my family. See how my mom is doing. For those who may be new to the blog, she had a stroke about ten months ago, and only in the last two months have I moved back to my life in NYC after spending 8 months at home in Ohio, being her sidekick in her recovery.

Since coming back, I’ve never really been so aware of how time alters things. My friend group has completely changed, with people going off in all different directions. People have coupled off, moved to different boroughs of NYC, found other friends…eight months is a long time. A lot of life can happen.

And I’m going to be really honest…I’ve spent many nights falling asleep, asking myself, “What am I chasing here?”

I mean, my two best friends are here – which is frankly the biggest draw – and I’m pursuing an acting career, but I think about the life I’m giving up back in Ohio with my family, and it quite literally keeps me up at night.

I’ve got my mom, who, though she is strong and doing great in her recovery…I want to be there for her. She’s navigating life with a new set of wings, and I want to be there to support my best friend. I want to be there to support my father who is the rock of our family. I’ve got my bother and his wife who are going to be adopting soon. I’ve got my other brother and his wife and their darling children who are growing up and starting preschool and playing soccer. And all of these things, I’m missing. And it kills me inside.

Ohio and I have a difficult history. The shadow of my past anorexia darkens my existence there. I feel as though I walk around with a scarlet letter on my chest.

That’s why NYC has been so good for me. For almost six years now, I’ve been building a life – free from all the stigma and pain that I carry around in Ohio. I’ve carved out a life here with people I care about, and who care about and accept me.

But I keep finding myself asking, “Is it worth it?” Is the price I’m willing to pay for this life worth giving up a life with my family?

To be completely honest, I’ve avoided making any decision, instead, just letting time pass, being in limbo. But as it turns out, when it comes to time, a non-decision is still a decision. And I’m learning that pretty quickly here.


I think there’s also a part of me that feels that by leaving NYC, I’ve failed. That I’ve abandoned my dream. Accepted a life of mediocracy and “settled.” Life in the fast lane is over, time to get a run down apartment behind a dated fast food joint and have to exist in a world that has a permanent odor of burnt frying oil and greasy hamburger meat.

OK, maybe I’m being a little melodramatic, but honestly, the lights in my apartment are dim, I’ve got the candles and the spa music going, so I’m feeling that ~mood~ right now.


I think I need to turn on the lights, bust out a little High School Musical dance party, and snap out of it.


This weekend will tell me a lot. It will be really interesting to see how my heart feels to be back there.

And in the meantime, pray for guidance. Ask to be nudged in the direction I’m supposed to go. Who knows, maybe this unrest in my heart is that nudge, but I’m too stubborn to accept it. Maybe that’s what I really should be praying about.

Ugh. Life is weird.

Question: How do you sort out which path in life you’re supposed to take? How do you make important life decisions?

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

360 thoughts on “The Price of Dreams”

  1. Hello Mello Yellow! Ohhh…snap, a new one! How are you doing my friend? Its been a while and as usual, its good to catch up. Just finished reading your blogging tips. Awesome! Thanks for sharing. Isn’t it just scary how time flies? The changes terrified me for a while. So, how do I make important decisions? Hmm…what can I share with Mello Yellow? I often pray about it. Mine is a continuous conversation with big brother J.C. If I have peace about a certain decision, I go with it. That peace (or non-peace) is like a faint nudge deep deep deep down beneath my heart or kidney or tummy. Other times, its in a dream. Also, I follow those “God” signs which He drops every where. Pretty much, this is my take. “All things are yes and amen in Christ Jesus.” That is, God has given us the green light to do what we need to for the dreams and callings He put in us. And we have the green light until HE says (nudges, warns) to stop. If He doesn’t, keep going and in the midst of the process, HE will engineer circumstances to help shift me one way or the other. That’s where my faith comes in. I just trust that He would. Even if I got the nudge wrong, fail, or die. I’m okay with it. But, HE has never failed me yet. Its how my tuition got paid, how I went to Wisconsin with nothing (no money, knew no one…) and ended up staying with a family, serving them, their church, and taking care of their disabled son (turns out, they had been praying for God to send someone to help him since all others failed. It was a success). But you know Caralyn, you are Jesus’s sheep and you hear his voice (his sweet still small voice, his nudge, counsel…). You do!

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  3. I’m sending my prayers and positive vibes your way. Your writing is so raw and honest and from the heart.
    I believe that you will figure out in your heart what is right. Your heart and mind will work together to lead you towards your path. And God will be there too.
    Again, prayers for you.
    You are a wonderful person, and I wish you the best in all your endeavors!

    Lots of Love,

    Maria

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  4. Oh I completely understand! I live a life of professional baseball with my husband and we’ve been living this life for over thirty years. Well, last year it just hit me that I am tired. Our home is in Chattanooga, but someone else stays in our house for more months than we do. (We rent to the coach that comes here for the Spring/Summer and coaches the Farm Team here for the MN Twins) Every February we pack a few things, head to Spring Training and then to wherever the head of the organization he works for sends him to coach one of their Farm Teams. We live in an apartment for 6 months, then back home again. My mother lives in South Carolina and isn’t it the best of health. I see her maybe 3 times while we are at home. Now our daughter is pregnant with our first grandchild (a girl) and I’m sure my husband and I will miss seeing that baby girl while we are gone. On the other hand, I love that his job allows me to meet new people from all walks of life. We have friends all over the country.It is fun going to Spring Training, the ballpark, and watching my husband do what he loves…..but now we both seem to be at a crossroads. My husband is getting tired of the business side which is rapidly getting worse.It’s very cut throat and ugly because now there are people running baseball who never played and don’t understand that they are dealing with young men, not just a number. They have never experienced what these young men go through. There is a lot of money involved, and don’t we see that many times in life that money ruins things? Yep,it does. There may be another opportunity for him in baseball that could keep us at home, but it will be a life changing thing. We are just going to have to pray and see where God guides us. It would mean no more Spring Training, my husband I know would miss the camaraderie with other coaches and especially the ballplayers, I would miss a lot of things about pro-ball, too, but then I could do more things with family, remodel our home instead of watching HGTV and wishing I was back home remodeling. I could stop having to pack and unpack every few months, go on a real vacation to the beach, and just be with family and friends. Maybe it all boils down to that I’m older now (54) and just want to settle. Just keep praying about what you need to do and you will get a sign. Usually it comes from out of the blue and if the sign seems a little odd to you, it’s usually God doing some work. xoxo

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    1. Thanks so much M, for sharing your story. It sounds like a fascinating life from the outside but I’m sure living it is a different story. Congratulations to your daughter! I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers. Sending the biggest hugs xox

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  5. Always follow your heart. Your heart knows the way; run in that direction. Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. The kingdom of heaven is within you here and now so listen and you will hear.

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  6. I hope you have a great weekend back home. You have to follow your dream. I’m sure your parents would want that. I’m not sure how the acting is going but you seem passionate about it; and your writing & blogging careers are going well. Can your book be purchased on Kindle? You were one of the first people to follow us when we started the blog back in May and I’d like to read more of your story.

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    1. Thanks so much friend. I really appreciate it. Aw thanks!so right now the book is only hard copy, but I do have an ebook out on blogging tips, which can be read on kindle. If that changes, I’ll definitely let you know! Thanks again! Hugs and love xox

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  9. I enjoyed reading your post. You asked the questions “How do you sort out which path in life you’re supposed to take? How do you make important life decisions?” Very good questions.

    “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” (Mt 6:33) King Solomon speaking of wisdom said, “Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her.” (Pro 3:17-18) Seek after godly wisdom of which comes from applying the Word of God. There is a way to seek for this kind of wisdom. “My son, if thou wilt receive my words, and hide my commandments with thee; So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding; Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding; If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures; Then shalt thou understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding. He layeth up sound wisdom for the righteous: he is a buckler to them that walk uprightly. He keepeth the paths of judgment, and preserveth the way of his saints. Then shalt thou understand righteousness, and judgment, and equity; yea, every good path.” (Pro 2:1-9) “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.” (James 1:5-7)

    As concerning your past it is your testimony. The Apostle Paul, who had previously persecuted the Church of God, said, “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Let us therefore, as many as be perfect, be thus minded: and if in any thing ye be otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this unto you.” (Phil 3:13-15)

    This is the path and direction that the Bible teaches us to follow after.

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  10. Oh man did this post hit home. I am moving from Chicago, IL to Aalesund, Norway. My family lives in the US and I’ll be leaving them. Everyone is scared for me and it makes me feel like no one has any faith in me to succeed. Everyone has to give me their 2 cents on why I shouldn’t move and that I’m crazy. I move in three months. My decision to move was biased on what I felt my heart tell me to do and what was best for me. I pray all the time about it, if God wants something different for me, but I haven’t heard anything different.For you, it should be the same. What does God tell you? What does you heart say? No one’s opinion will matter but your own and the Lord’s.

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  11. Sweet girl…I love your blog…and your words of growth and love and yes wisdom in one so young. The grandmother in me wants to remind that whatever path your heart leads you to, you are not a failure, nor are you giving up on your dreams. Keep praying, seek His guidance, and enjoy your time home. sending prayers Baby girl!

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  12. This might sound cheesy, but open your mind and heart up to any possibility that could happen! And when the time is right you’ll get a gut feeling on which path to take! 🙂 goodluck! And dont worry, everything will work out 🙂

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  13. I was going to say “follow your heart”, but the heart is so affected by the past and the emotions of successes and failures. I think the bottom line is to do what YOU want.
    Guilt can overtake us (I’m the youngest of 5 to an Italian mother, I know guilt), but it all comes down to priorities, or as my wife says, “Opportunity costs”.
    What will you gain by pursuing your dream? What will you give up by pursuing your dream? Then it comes down to what you can live with. By that, I mean can you live on moving back and not giving more time for your career? Or can you live with the possibility that you don’t have time with your mom while in NY?
    Pray! Listen for that “still small voice”, do what you think is best. Bottom line is, what do you want? What does God want for you?
    Love your blog and I’ve wanted to comment on more but haven’t taken the time. You’re a remarkable woman with a great story that needs heard.

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  14. In 2015 I wanted to move back home but was not sure I could make it work. Someone asked me two questions: What will happen if you leave? What will happen if you stay? I wrote everything down that I felt in my heart, and the answer was there.

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  15. Nothing mars decent to good writing like errors so please accept this in the spirit of improving your writing. The word is “melodramatic,” not “mellow dramatic” (though that did elicit a chuckle, thank you!). A good command of basic words and grammar is a fundamental starting point in all writing in all languages!

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    1. Oh gosh seriously though how did I miss that egregious error??!! Hahaha it made me laugh too!! Haha thanks text dictation! 🤣 Wow thanks for letting me know! Going to fix it right now! Hugs and love xox

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  16. I love your honesty in your struggle. Keep praying and asking. I find he always answers but I don’t always see or hear the signs. That happened to me this weekend. It’s time for me to ramp it up. But I’m scared to try. I received a clear direction but it took me until today to look back and see all the “signs” to go forward. Sometimes God has to hit me with a lot before I get the message LOL! I had to slow down and look at all the little signs from when I started praying this summer to this morning.
    Look back and check those coincidences, actions, words of encouragement, scriptures that popped up, and see what you find. Remember Psalms 37:4 – Since you take delight in the Lord, he will give you the desires of your heart. Look deep. That’s when I find him. I’ve also found he is usually way ahead of me because the desires of my heart do change! LOL! He is so good. I’m praying you get the guidance and peace you need. Love Milly.

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  17. My girlfriend and I got pregnant so I left NYC, moved back to TX, got married, now 3 children a divorce a second wife 30 years later I wonder “what if I had never left NYC?” I’m happy now. Life has happened. I have no regrets. But I wonder, “what if…”. I really wonder what that “me” would look like?

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  18. A part of me has always wanted to live somewhere else. It doesn’t matter where, or in what season of life, I’ve been in. I’m 40 and in my 31st dwelling. We moved around a lot when I was growing up and I have continued the trend.

    I like options and I get bored easily. One issue I’ve seen come up in my own life is the inability of being really known by someone or a group of someones. Once I get figured out it’s (I’m) not special anymore.

    I can’t help but think that all the moving fashioned me to adapt to change quickly and actually prefer it.

    What and where is that exactly? I don’t think I’m the most qualified to answer but IMHO…

    “Home is where you hang your pictures.” “Home is where the heart is.” “Home is where you fart” (said the pillow on a friends couch). Home is predictable. Vacation (not home) is exciting due to its mystery, change of landscape, different cuisine, funny accents, etc.

    G.K. Chesterton said “As long as you have mystery you have health; when you destroy mystery you create morbidity. – Orthodoxy

    Do wanderers like myself mistake what is mysterious and untried as “home”? Am I there (home) now, and is every other place I dream about only meant to supply my daydreaming more kindling? Is “home” just another frontier?

    One thing’s certain that conquering all local discovery leads to predictability which is not the enemy. Based on who you are that can either mean warm assurance or a death sentence. Before you move again, ask yourself why you’re moving.

    Is it..

    – family/friends
    – better amenities/salary
    – homesickness
    – winning football teams

    …or do you just need a vacation?

    Where is your home? What makes your home “home”?

    Home is where your inner wanderer takes his shoes off and stays awhile past breakfast with no clear plan on departing. Home is not geographically based. Home can be anywhere really. Peace with God makes a heart God’s dwelling. No Cracker Barrel can compete with that.

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  19. I always go with the direction that gives me the most peace, but sometimes that’s a copout. I know that doesn’t help. I feel your agony. I pray the Lord will give you that nudge you seek.

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  20. Whatever just feels right is the right thing to do. No matter the outcome. You’re supposed to make yourself happy ❤ If you think Ohio makes you feel happier. If it feels right, you should be there. Not because it’s something you’re supposed to do

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  21. Lovely post. I have been in your position a few times, facing big life decisions. It is OK to let your mind rest for a while. Your subconscious will continue to work on the problem. Then, one day it will hit you that you have made your decision; and you’ll feel confident to move forward.

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  22. Forgive me if I seem harsh I must say that this blog seems like one of perspective. In response to your perspective blog you’re getting a lot of opinions. Opinions are like grapes some of them are good and some of them are bad. But just like grapes we sometimes have to measure how strong they can become. So rather than give you my opinion let me share with you a thought. I can’t believe I’m about to tell you this. However I do think it is needful. And I think it is time you need to know the truth. You have a lot of decisions to make and you’re right we can’t run from decisions they catch up with us. Just ask Jonah. Now if you’re thinking about coming home. I advise you to read Genesis chapter 39 right on through. Read the complete story of Joseph. God will guide your steps has spoken of by the Prophet Jeremiah chapter 10 verse 23. Now on to the bit of Insider information I have for you. I do have a long history with Ohio. I’m not going to tell you how. But it is not good. 8 years after I had the Calamity happened to me God send me back to Ohio. Not the search of my old life but start a new one. A Godly one. However up until recently I still had a Benjamin that I was unable to give up. I stress the important words of up until recently. Meaning I gave that Benjamin up. I had a lot of scars more scars than I can ever go into detail how about. Your scars are your eating disorder and your Benjamin is acting. You made love to pursue of acting but you must First Love The Pursuit Of God. After I give up my Benjamin I was able to look at Ohio a different way. Even though I am Canadian I look at Ohio as my home. And look at living in Canada is being in Egypt because even though I’m Canadian everything is so foreign to me now since I’ve joined God hand in hand. And I if you’re looking to adopt anybody it should be me. Just joking… the point of it is don’t let your past dictate your present and avoid stepping into the future. Don’t look to the Future live in the present but I always keep moving forward. Sometimes before you can move forward you have to go home again. PS I like big cities but I hate New York. But for some reason I love Ohio. Jubilee Donuts are something special. Remember this if nothing else from this post of a comment. You are special to God and you are special to me.

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  23. Hey there friend. Just saw your post. A lesson I’m in the midst of learning is to submit every choice to Jesus and ask for Him to make the right decision clear to you. I dealt with this same kind of question in giving up teaching to go into full time ministry. I’ll be praying that you get peace in this matter. I used to live near Bluffton, OH, and know that area, especially with family there, has a certain pull. Looking forward to seeing what you hear.

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  24. While I have never left my hometown I do very much understand what its like to be labeled by other people for things you went through. I made a lot of mistakes in my young life and I live in a pretty small town where most people know all about them. I get a lot of dirty looks and awkward silences when i come across people who know about that chapter in my life. But i can tell you this, I wear those mistakes, I seek out those moments because I use it as an opprotunity to show people how God has changed me and my life. I walk through my town knowing that the Lord has forgiven me for those mistakes and I make amends with myself by using that period in my life to serve Him.

    Also whenever I am faced with huge decisions and I can’t seem to make out in the chaos what the Lord wants me to do, I pray that the Lord makes it so obvious that I can’t not know. I ask him to slam doors shut that lead to the wrong choice so feircly that I can’t walk through it. And then I trust the Lord that He is leading my life. Just know that the Lord will always lead and guide you when you ask Him to and fully submit yourself to His will.

    I hope this helps with what your going through. You are in my prayers!

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  25. Yes, beauty, I think you recognize the nudge. Which location gives you a better possibility for your growth in the Lord? In which location would you want to settle if you fall in love and marry and your husband would want to stay? In which location would you want to raise your children? Is the dream you set for yourself six years ago still your dream for today? You will not have failed to fulfill your dream if it has changed. When you formed your dream six years ago were you more knowledgeable about “who you are” then than “who you are” today? God promised to give you the desires of your heart. So dream his desire for you, precious girl. But don’t overly fear making a mistake. God has pulled all of out of “mistakes” over and over again! This time you have spent in NY was probably good for the completion of your book. Maybe it is time for a new book! Oh, God has so much in store for you!

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  26. I’m sure you’ve put an awful lot of thought and prayer into where you are and where you want to be, or where you think you “should” be, or any number of combinations of the choices between Ohio and NYC. I can’t offer much real advice other than saying you’ll know it when you know it—which sounds completely lame and made up, lol, but is valid advice. I think sometimes we know the answer and aren’t ready to accept it (and this could be either way . . . that you’re supposed to stay put or that you’re supposed to move back). When you’re ready to accept all that goes along with the right path, you’ll have peace with it. Hugs. –Lynda

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  30. Thank you for reading my blog and liking it. I appreciate it. Your last post where you mentioned your mother was flying “with new wings” was beautiful. Thank you. I think you are right the nudge could be the wondering and the uneasiness. I say, trust your heart, my experience is that is where God speaks to us. Good luck.

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  31. Right after graduation I moved from my village to one of the bigger cities in Canada. I failed in a lot of ways. My faith didn’t waiver but my morals did. I became a shell of the confident, helpful, and happy person I used to be. I came back in the second year for 9 months and ended up spending 6 months helping care for my mom who had been in a major horse accident. Eventually after 3 years total spent in that big city, I spent one more year getting back on track of who I really was in Christ.
    Then I felt God calling me very strongly back to a city near where I grew up. God put me in a job I was terrified of but also in which I excelled. It was NOT what I would have guessed for myself. But as I stayed and worked hard, I realized it was in the field I had been drawn to on a larger scale all along. After I was back for 9 months I started dating someone. Praying hard, we realized at 3 months we were supposed to get married. At 6 months we were engaged. At 1 year we were married. 3 years later we’ve just had a son.
    All this to say God knows you’re listening and he has MUCH better opportunities for you than what you are imagining for yourself. That apartment probably doesn’t even exist 😉 When has He left you in the lurch before?? I hope my story can inspire you that God has mystery but that also means fantastic surprises when we just trust that he has quite the long game.

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  32. I had a friend, much older than me, who once told me to just make the “decision” or just do “it”. If it feels good, it’s the right decision. If not, then change the decision. I guess it should not be a decision that cannot be unchanged or replaced with another. What’s the worst thing that can happen as a consequence of the decision? If it’s fine, or at least bearable, it doesn’t hurt or harm you, then the worst thing that would happen is you get to have an adventure. 😃 All the best. Hugs. 🤗💖

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  33. When I was little I wanted to be an astronaut and my backup plan was, ninja. 😳😂😂 I like how open you are with your decisions or, lack of. I’ve, I don’t know. I’ve not had many dreams. I think, what you’re doing is great. From reading your blog, there was some bumps along the way but, you came out of it. That’s good. I read the Nor’easter is gonna be bad, be careful.

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      1. When I was six I lived between a Middle East kebob place and a Chinese food one. I didn’t feel deprived like you mentioned. At fourteen I lived in a hockey shop at a pro hockey arena with a half dozen other guys. It felt like an upgrade. I can understand how it might feel for you if you’ve always had everything.

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      2. I see sparks of good writing from you but, your view of poor and minorities really turns me off. Take care of yourself and that’s from a poor minority person.

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      4. You do not write that way. You just compared yourself giving up on your dreams to my upbringing. Previously, you could not understand protests in your city interfering with your night at the Opera. These are your words. I’m done. I really am.

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      6. When you get older. You’ll know how words are, how they make you feel. I don’t need to be the butt of your jokes. I don’t need friends like that. Not anymore.

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  34. I keep relating to your posts! I was in your shoes once. I had been living in London for several years, and went to my home country to visit, and boom! Even though I’d seen my parents the year before, they seemed to have aged a decade. My mum had had heart surgery and needed naps every afternoon, and my dad had developed a knee problem and was hobbling around like he was 80 instead of 60. I went back to the UK and was very unsettled. I didn’t *want* to go home as I had plans, man! I had places to go, things to see and do, my list was looooong. Going home felt like sacrificing my dreams.

    I prayed about it a LOT, and then finally one day I said, ‘Please God, just give me a HUGE sign because I know I’m a bit thick at getting the hint from you’, and the. next. second. my phone rang. It was my Dad calling to say he and my mum couldn’t come to the UK to visit me at Christmas as they’d planned, as my mum just wasn’t up to it. I knew then it was time to go home. I simply couldn’t take the stress and worry about what was going on at home any longer, and wanted to be nearby to help.

    Going home was the best decision I was ever led into making. I landed a great job, met my husband, and we’ve got our two kiddos. I may not have yet made it to see the pyramids at Egypt, but I have zero regrets, and am sure I’ll get there one day.

    All the best as you discern what to do!

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  35. So I’m catching up on blog reading this AM so this comment may seem a little delayed. But as I read this post I thought about a line from today’s gospel “woman you are set free of your infirmity” and “little girl I say to you arise” also comes to mind. God has healed you from your anorexia. It will always always be a part of your story but He has indeed healed you and wants you to choose the freedom He is offering you from it. I don’t know if you’re supposed to stay in NYC or move back to OH and sometimes the only way we can really know an answer is to make a choice and ask God to bless it. But if it’s your past, your history, the stain of your anorexia that holds you back from moving closer to your family – think about the 8 mos that you were living at home. You lived in OH for 8 mos anorexia free and people saw you for you. It’s so easy to label ourselves and other people by their diseases but really you are a person, a woman, a daughter of God with anorexia, you are not your disease. I think we often see our own struggles and brokenness and past way more heavily than the rest of the world.
    I guess what I’m saying you are so much more than your disease and than your past, don’t forget that.

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  36. I have a Spiritual Director who helps me with important discernments in my life, (along with other wonderful life lessons/evaluations.) He never tells me ‘what to do,’ but he helps me to ‘stay honest’ with myself, which keeps me accountable to REALLY what God is telling me. On my own I could pretty much ‘sway’ the Lord’s instructions to to be what I would like/what is easiest/avoid the tuff stuff/or worst yet ignore the discernment all together! Perhaps this feeling of being in the ‘balance’ of things, not being clear which way you are being called to go, is a call for yourself to seek out a Spiritual Director of your own. Even the Pope’s have one!! 😉

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    1. Hey again Dawn! you’re on a reading roll! thank you so much!! that’s awesome that you have such a person in your life. yeah, accountability to His will is so important. something i feel like i am always having to work on. that’s a great idea! thanks again Dawn, have a great night! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  37. Gosh I’m so glad to have found your blog! I’m in Indiana – not far from Cincinnati. Born and raised here. Moved away for 12 years to Wisconsin. Came back in 2014. I’m at a crossroads as well. Feeling the restlessness and nudging in my heart to chase my dreams in my heart home of San Miguel de Allende, Mexico and honestly just to create a life that is free of the baggage I’ve left in the past. My friends there are ones I’ve chosen. The life I can have there is one that looks and feels like what I’ve always dreamed I’d have. But….my family is here. I missed 12 years already and it’s hard to imagine not being here for nieces and nephews birthdays and lives. I’ve got two little girls who adore my parents and vice-versa. My pastor said to seek Godly counsel, listen for messages, read scripture and of course pray and listen. I’ve done all and it’s clear I’m to go. So difficult and I’m thankful to read this from someone else who gets it. Blessings, wisdom and courage to you dear.

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    1. Oh my gosh thank you so much! And thank you for sharing your story. Yeah there is definitely a pull on the heart when you’re torn between family and dreams. That was great advice from your pastor. Hang in there. Know that you’re in my prayers. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  39. It’s tricky, isn’t it? When there’s not necessarily a right or wrong and the path branches in so many directions. I like to analyze and plan my own steps, but I find that my plans are often hijacked for His. My biggest clue that I’m straying from Him is when I feel like I’m pushing too hard. Through prayer and meditation, I find that the Holy Spirit provides perspective on the constant chatter of my own thoughts. It’s like His voice hovers over my own voice and helps me to see the error of my ways with such loving guidance – always wanting the best for me! Learning to rest in that leading can be both terrifying and tremendously freeing.

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  40. Hi there,

    Thanks so much for sharing your heart. When I find myself in similar situations, I rely on Proverbs 3:5-6:

    Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    And lean not on your own understanding;
    In all your ways acknowledge Him,
    And He shall direct your paths.

    We are all striving to be in the Will of God (the safest place in the whole wide world): Here is a poem that reveals why we long to abide in God’s Will:

    The Will of God
    Author: Unknown

    The will of God will never take you,
    Where the grace of God cannot keep you.
    Where the arms of God cannot support you,
    Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
    Where the power of God cannot endow you.

    The will of God will never take you,
    Where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
    Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
    Where the army of God cannot protect you,
    Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

    The will of God will never take you,
    Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
    Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
    Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
    Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

    The will of God will never take you,
    Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
    Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
    Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
    Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

    I am praying with you that you will find yourself in the perfect place God has designed for you to be.

    Thanks so much for the recent likes posted on my blog. I appreciate so much your encouragement.

    Liked by 1 person

  41. Caralyn, you are one of the sweetest, caring, talented people, I’m yet to meet, but I feel so blessed and connected to you for so long, and without any hesitation you’ve helped me when I felt I was lost.

    Whether you choose to stay in New York or return home to Ohio, or even come and visit me in the UK 🇬🇧 ha, it truly doesn’t come down to success and failure.

    Because you’re already achieving as far as I can see.

    Keep going after your dreams and career as an actor, but your already on top of your biggest challenge and that is taking control of your life, your way.

    With me, going back a little over 12 months when I first stumbled across you, I was so lost and going through depression, I had lost my way, I had lost my identity, and 12 months on, I’m fully aware of my illness, but I’m in control of it too, when once I couldn’t even imagine getting my life back.

    What I’m saying is we are both achieving and have achieved, because even though our demons will always be there as a reminder, we have fought back and of a word recovered, and continue daily to take strength from this.

    So again it makes no difference on what you do or where you live, but one thing you will never be is a failure if you choose to leave New York.

    No matter where you choose to live you will always remain a true inspiration to me and many, many others too.

    Kind Regards,

    Andrew x

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    1. Oh my gosh you are seriously the best, thank you for this incredibly generous and kind comment. I’m so glad to hear that my blog has resonated with you. That truly makes my heart so happy. And thank you for sharing your story. You’re so right, Andrew – we’re both reclaiming our lives and achieving freedom! Woo! Big big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  42. Hi Caralyn, you’re a great communicator and do a wonderful job of writing from the heart. From my way of thinking, the good news is that each of us gets to live out this adventure called “Life” and make our decisions (and choose our responses to the decisions of others) along the way. When I finally learned not to seek my approval from others and to instead discover (and trust) the blended counsel of my heart and my mind, that “Life” became sweeter than ever before. Here’s to your blended counsel! 🙂

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  44. “When it comes to decisions, a non decision is still a decisions.” Love it. Gonna have to review my past for how many times I chose this path forward, or backward!!!
    Thanks

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  45. Once I believe and trust in myself, — I can.
    Then I say “thank you, I love you” to myself.

    It cannot but happen for you.

    Thank you for reading my post ‘It’s chaos, be kind’ on nothingcluelesslost.com

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  46. Hi Caralyn,

    I don’t comment on a lot of blogs, and if I do, I usually read the threads of an article, but I confess tonight I’m fried. Work, various family issues, home (work), helping with homework and college apps, volunteer work, life, church, poor sleep habits- they are taking a toll and I am rambling even now.

    I just want to say, I did read your article and appreciate your situation, and empathize with you. Recently my mother-in-law passed away and we are all still in the grieving process. Any change brings kinds of grief. But don’t let fear of how others will perceive you, or the fear of how you think others will perceive you, get in the way of the you that you need to be right now. If you need to be home with mom and dad, go home. You’ve seen how friendships and people and relational dynamics change over a short time, but you in the middle of changing seem to be trying to deny yourself the right to change. But life is change. As a Christ-follower, you need to trust, difficult as I know it to be, that the “lucky break” you want will find you if it is what God wants for you.

    You’re an absolutely lovely person and I admire your strength to pursue positive goals and your commitment to good things: to family, to friends, and to spreading encouragement to others through your blogs.

    Bust out the HS Musical songbook, let loose and let out those feelings. And I will pray for God to guide your life’s path, and guard you against the stress of the ordinary, if that’s where you need to be for now. I think I need the same prayer over my own life.

    Deon M (your neighbor from the Hoosier side)

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    1. Hi Deon, thank you so much for this thoughtful response. Gosh I’m so sorry about your mother in law. Sending you a big hug and know that you and your family are in my prayers. You’re so right , life is change. And I️ have to also trust in God’s good plan for my life. Thank you for this beautiful encouragement and for your prayers. Hope you can find some time to relax and recharge this week! Hugs and love xox

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  47. I enjoy your writing, your honesty, your intelligence. To me a telling sign of this post is the comments on how in just 8 months so much changed there in NYC while you were gone. NYC is the kind of life environment/life where you are just a drop of water in a big lake, few notice you are not there when you leave and you are very soon forgotten in the hustle of others trying to ‘make it’ in their own lives. Do you really have peace when you are in NYC? Is the fast pace and high dollar cost of basically everything really worth chasing? How about the high violent crime rates and the filth that surrounds you on the sidewalks and the filthy air, are they worthy of you, your time, your life? You have talent, you have brains, you have beauty, you can make it in Cities in or near Ohio and your family if you so choose to do so. Let you yourself rule, not the city. If your past in your home town holds to much bad baggage, choose one of the cities that are an easy drive back to your family in which to settle down in. I wish you well in what ever you decide to do.—ted
    P.S.—I am going to reblog your article so that a few others may be able to help you with their insight and knowledge but remember, don’t listen to people who have a venom filled tongue.

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    1. Hi Ted, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I️ truly appreciate you concern and for your encouraging words. It really means a lot. Powerful food for thought. Hugs and love xox

      Like

  48. Hi, Carolyn-

    I have “chewed” on this since you first posted it.

    Not married until the age of 33, I sort of know the single-want-to not-be-single thing: guess the marriage question has been wonderfully answered – 27 years the end of this month! And the move back home (Indiana) or not (stay in PA or NY) thing.

    Friends and Family are both important!

    Lack of support at home. I had a life elsewhere. . .

    What to choose?

    Friends

    Family

    Friends

    Family

    I need to stir the pot of soup.
    Okay, where were we?

    How about:

    Family

    Friends

    Family

    Friemily

    No, I mean Famiends.

    I would choose. . . (drum roll, please)

    Go with God.

    I do not mean the cliche, “Go with God”. But rather the life filled with knowing Him, living for Him. Then where you reside is not as important.

    A life “tucked under His wing” is a good thing whether or not you are single or married, filming a movie, arguing with a 2-year-old, or whatever.

    Actually, arguing with a 2-year-old happens for a while then you realize it and say to yourself, “I Can’t Believe I Am Arguing With a 2-Year-Old!!!”

    Having God about then is a good thing.

    Jeff

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Friemily! Haha so true – God!! But seriously thank you for this great advice, Jeff! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  49. You are not failing. You’re a beautiful soul. Ohio may haunt you with your past. However, you’ve grown so much. Your mother must be so proud. I can only hope one day my daughter grows to be as brave as you. ❤️

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