On Guard

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

So I’m leaving for Chicago tomorrow.

Just staying over for one night, and then back to NYC tomorrow.

But I’m going because my dad is receiving an award…the Man of the Year Award, from an international organization, so I’m going there to sit in the audience and cheer him on.

So dad, if you’re reading this (and I know you are!) congratulations! You have always been the man of the year in my eyes. And I thank you for all the selfless ways you’ve given to your family throughout your life, each and everyday.

I’ve spent a good deal of time here, in Ohio during the holidays, thinking about my future. About whether I should continue to live in NYC, where I’ve been building my life for the last seven years, or if I should move back to Ohio and “settle down.”

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And no surprise here, that I’ve talked myself around in a circle to the point of dizziness. But I’m just always struck by how easily I can be reminded here, of that dark part of my life, when I was battling anorexia in high school and early college.

That memory creates a huge shadow that follows me around here. It’s why I moved in NYC in the first place: to start fresh and create a new life as the healed young woman I am.

But this past Sunday at church, I had a really, just awful experience. Since I have been back in Ohio, we’ve been going to a new parish downtown where my brother and sister-in-law attend. It’s beautiful, there’s an amazing choir, and it’s where my miracle took place.

But last Sunday, we went back to our local parish. The one I went to during my illness in high school.

And let me tell you, I was just attacked, spiritually, the whole time I was there.

I remember back during my disease that I would just loathe going to Mass, simply because it meant that I had to sit still for an hour. Which was a death-sentence for me, because stillness meant I wasn’t burning calories.

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I can remember as clear as day, the racing thoughts that harangued my brain, as I would violently bounce my legs in an effort to appease my exercise addiction.

And the people at church all knew what I was going through. It was no secret – I was wearing my illness on my skeletal body. But there would be whispers and judgmental looks from some. Feigned concern that masked their ugly gossip, slaughtering me and my family’s reputation.

And still to this day, there are wonderful people who still TEN YEARS LATER go: Oh, I’m so glad you’re doing so well. Or my favorite, You look so healthy now.

Yeah, thanks.

The social ineptness is just astounding.

But sitting there in the pews on Sunday, all of that just hit me right in the face. It was like I walked into a brick wall and there was Satan, standing over me, and jeering at me while I was down.

And it completely rocked me. Truly. I couldn’t shake the feeling of anger and disgust and remorse and judgment and inadequacy for the rest of the day. I was a different person. I was mean. I was short. I was picking fights with my parents for no good reason.

And my dad just pulled me aside as hot tears were streaming down my face in a fit of anxious rage, and he looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Don’t let the devil get to you.”

I know this is a bit of a heavy topic, but he really is on the prowl, and will use any foothold we give him to worm his way back into our lives and wreak havoc.

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I ended up taking a walk alone that afternoon to walk it off. Listened to some music and let the endorphins work their magic. I tried to pray, but truthfully I couldn’t come up with the words other than, O God. 

That afternoon served as a reminder that I am not invincible. Sure, I was coming off of an incredible stretch of time here at home with my friends and family and even someone kind-of interesting, but the devil can even find us on the mountaintop and kick us down to the dust.

Doesn’t matter how strong your recovery is or how impenetrable your fortress.

My dad knew what was going on. He called it out. And instilled in me the belief that I could resist and turn things around.

But there’s something to be said about protecting your heart and your mind from situations or places that will make you susceptible to attacks.

Case in point: when I stay at my parents’ house in Ohio, I don’t sleep in my old bedroom. I just can’t. I feel incredibly attacked, seeing my high school memorabilia and things and pictures that remind me of that dark time in my life.

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It looks like my home parish is one of those places too. Which is a real pity.

And honestly gives me grave pause as I have been prayerfully considering the possibility of moving home for good this summer.

But then maybe that’s the doubt he was trying to stir up by attacking me in that way.

I don’t know. A lot to consider. A lot to pray about.

But the most important thing to remember is that Jesus conquers all. There is no match for our King.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

249 thoughts on “On Guard”

  3. ‘…truthfully I couldn’t come up with the words other than, O God…’

    Hahaaa! Ok, enjoyed this immensely! Not in a horrible way – i hear you. I get it.

    It was good reading this. Am I authentic? Where do I go when all I got is; Oh God?

    Sometimes my prayer seems contrived and fill of fear, rather than free and joyful.

    I love that, still, I will attempt, still, I will fall back on the HABIT of prayer, still I will present myself to God.

    Enjoyed this a lot. Sending a prayer and a smile your way. Onward.

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    1. thanks Kreemer 🙂 i’m glad it hit home with you 🙂 yes – i’ve got to fall back into that habit too. thanks for stopping by and for your prayers! Hugs and love xox

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  4. This morning I was reading in 1 Corinthians 6, “you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ and the Spirit of God.” We don’t do it ourselves – thanks be to God that the One who transforms us is stronger than the one who jeers when we fall back into old stuff. We don’t complete ourselves; we are completed by the one who is faithful. And you are so right to see that even this negative experience can be used to make you shine with his splendor.

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  5. Just a quick note and prayer for safety… if you’re going to NYC tomorrow, there may be a delay due to crazy weather that has cancelled flights and closed airports… praying for a wonderful experience as you go to celebrate your father!

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    1. thank you so much Angie, yeah it’s a wild winter wonderland out there! thank you for your prayers! big hugs xox

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  6. Oh My Goodness Caralyn. . . I sooo needed to see this right now!! I felt attacked by the enemy this afternoon after coming home from a dr. visit.

    But I came home and put on praise music and it surely helped. The enemy is on the prowl, but it’s up to us to seek God and keep our eyes on Him. Keep praying and have faith that you will hear God’s voice when you get to your fork in the road re: your move.

    “Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world”

    Stay strong! xoxoxoxo

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    1. i’m so glad this hit home with you. i’m so glad the music helped! music has a way of reaching the soul 🙂 big hugs to you xx

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  7. Take comfort in the knowledge that God knows your heart and your need. He can interpret your pain and your lack of words. Jesus intercedes for us. Romans 8:26 says “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” When you were praying “O God”, Jesus was interceding and translating your pain for the Father. I agree that we must be cautious of certain places and people if they prompt us to reverse course. Thanks for your vulnerability.

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  10. I relate to this post so much. I’m still working through my anxiety and depression, and I had so many times like this one where prayer was everything but words. Romans 8:26-27 gets it right:

    “In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will.”

    It took so much for me to admit I needed help, and I’m so glad I now have access to counselors and psychologists who respect my faith and incorporate that into our sessions. Satan tries to convince us we can do it alone, can’t do anything, or worse, that God and the people He gives to us can’t help us. Sometimes you just have to pull yourself out of a situation; the hardest lesson I ever had to learn–and I’m still learning–is that self-care is not selfishness. I’m praying for you; I hope you’ll pray for me, too!

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    1. thank you so much Erica, for sharing your story. you’re so right – self care is not at all selfishness. thank you for your prayers. know that you are in mine too! big hugs xox

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  12. Hey BBB,

    Number one I do think you have totally recovered but would like to give to you some thoughts as I was reading this about “hitting you in the face.”

    A lot of times, we can never let go of something until we hit it head on. Overcoming something is healing, facing something head on and letting go of it is another matter.

    As all of these memories were pursuing you, did you ever say to yourself, “Yes this is true, but I am not that person anymore./I am healthy now and helping others in spite of it?” Then did you get up and pat yourself on the back? You have choices in moments such as this, and you need to make the right ones.

    Was it the devil trying to pursue you with your past, or God letting you know who you were and where He has brought you? You had two ways of looking at that.

    You can either let this haunt you for the rest of your life, let it determine your decisions for your life, or you can look in the mirror and see what the rest of us see.

    You are healed and you are recovered. You are inspiration to all those who have it. Now how long are you going to let it interrupt your life?

    How we handle our memories is as important as getting well.

    I think you need to move past it, one step at a time.

    If Jesus only remembered the Day of the Cross all the time, He would never be able to help and save us. See His past is not what matters to Him. His suffering and torment is over. But today does. He wants us to know, “Yes I suffered for you and I died./But I rose again so you can have eternal life./So come to me the Risen Christ.”

    You are not Christ, but you have risen and you are helping others. Now are you going to go back on your cross, or rise above it?

    Love you and God Bless, SR

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    1. this is such a powerful response. thank you SR, you’re right we have to learn how to handle our memories. and yes! one step at a time. thank you for your encouragement. big hugs to you xox

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      1. It is time to move away from it my beautiful adopted daughter. Take your knowledge with you and continue to help others with it. Love you, SR

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  13. Just remember he only attacks those who can damage his kingdom, your light is so bright and such a presence can be felt just reading your posts and the enemy knows that and that makes you a problem for him and your Dad is so right…my Dad always tells me to “not let him get in my head” that is ALL he has. He is AS a roaring lion but that doesn’t make him a lion. And as hard as it probably feels, consider the attack a compliment because it means that in the enemies eyes you are a worthy opponent and if you are an opponent that means you have not been defeated. This is also why I thought the shop the look was so awesome because it shows a healthy happy body image, and I know you said you had felt hesitant about it, please don’t because that is just another “beauty” for the ashes! Congratulations to your Dad! I love you and you know ALL your readers do and we are all always in your corner!

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    1. that is so true Nina, thank you for this amazing encouragement. you’re so right – he is not a lion — and Jesus has won the world! big hugs to you xoxo

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  15. Okay, I want to say something here, and it’s two fold. First, I can TOTALLY relate. I had my panic attacks and anxiety begin shortly after my college years where I was held hostage, mugged, etc…. all in Washington, DC. I ran from that place like the plague. And though I felt so healed, when I would go back to visit my brother when he lived there, I would feel anxiety creeping back in. Like a darkness, so I fully believe the devil uses those places and weak spots to attack us. I tell you that as I say the next thing… because maybe it’s for me… there’s probably still some healing needed. Some forgiveness (perhaps of ourselves) to be given. Why do I say this? Because I think of the story in the Book of Numbers. The people are in the desert and they are being bitten and killed by the serpents. God tells Moses to put the Serpent on the Staff and he has the people stare directly at it. This is actually what heals them. Staring at the thing that bit them and knowing God has power over all of it. Sometimes I just want to go back to that room where I was held hostage and pronounce, I AM FREE!! I want to be able stare at it and not feel all those feelings again… I will never know as the building was torn down. This is not to judge or say where you should live or not live, it’s just a call to dig deeper, to stare whatever it is in the face…and to announce your freedom. This is just meant as food for thought. That is all. May God continue to bless you in everything you do.

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    1. I AM FREE!!! love it. this is such a powerful response. thank you friend. God bless you as well. big hugs to you xox

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      1. and just remember, when a soul makes great progress in the Lord, the devil gets frantic trying to knock you down. The attacks can get more fierce. I often repeat, Jesus I trust in you, or Jesus I trust that you love me… The devil can whisper lies, and even envoke dark feelings, but it is our response to that that can mold a Saint. Feelings just are, what you do with them can lift you high or drag you down. You are meant to soar.

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  16. Rather similar to what others have already said, what you seem to need at this stage is what some call a “healing of memories.” The disease is beaten, the lies are beaten, the demonic hold is loosened, (and yes any of those could come back but you’ve been strengthened to recognize and resist them), and you’ve been healed by our gracious Lord beyond expectation! ❤ But the memories, especially attached to locations, are still nasty footholds for the enemy.

    At risk of being overly businesslike in a public forum, here's my entirely unsolicited advice….
    * Grab a Psalm or prayer that you connect with. Then take it to your old room or church or wherever else and literally pray it again there.
    * Ask your parents to pray over their house and your old room (informally blessing it).
    * Ask a priest to bless your old room and wherever else (yay holy water)!
    * Find someone with a gift of prayer ministry to pray with you through those memories and locations. They're like open windows through which the enemy can poke you. And since you've beaten their big game, they're resorting to this!

    Again, as others have said already, you're sharing in a measure of Christ's victory even now. When in doubt, revisit the Mass readings for Ascension Day/Sunday – his victory and his throne are shared with you! No power of hell can take that away.

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    1. a healing of memories. that is such a powerful thought. thank you so much for this incredible advice. yes, i will scour through the psalms this weekend. that’s such a great idea. thank you for this, Fr. Brench. i hope you have a wonderful weekend. God bless! x

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  17. I have the exact same feelings when I go to my childhood home! My attitude instantly becomes ‘child like’ (my temper is quicker with parents, I feel like I want to sneak certain foods I used to binge on, detach from the skills I usually use) and I slip back into old behaviors (even if I entered the situation completely prepared and mindful.) It’s all very strange, but I’ve heard more and more people with past EDs relating recently (especially with going home for the holidays)
    I wish you all the luck with making your decision! Either way, it’ll provide new experiences, learning opportunities and memories.

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    1. thank you for sharing your story, Sarah. Yeah going home can be difficult. will definitely be keeping you in my heart and prayers! big hugs to you xox

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  18. You really hit the nail on the head here. I feel like I’m crazy sometimes feeling spiritually attacked in “safe places” but I suppose that’s where we have our guard down the most and Satan can use those damaging thoughts and memories of past sin and struggle to seek our demise. I always go back to the Spiritual Armor of Ephesians 6- the belt of truth: Christ conquered Satan; it is finished, so I can and must walk in that victory. The breastplate of righteousness: I’ve been saved by Christ Jesus and his righteousness is mine, it guards my heart. The helmet of salvation: the devil doesn’t pay rent, so he’s not allowed to take up space in my mind, that belongs to Jesus. The shield of faith: sometimes I just have to grit my teeth and hold it up with quivering arms, knowing that God can see what I cannot. Feet shod with the readiness of the Gospel: I know the attacks will come, and so did Jesus- he fought them with scripture and prayer. The sword of the Spirit: the Holy word of God that does not return to Him empty, but accomplishes everything He sends it out to do, including defeating Satan’s attempts to wreck me. And I visualize putting on each of those items and suddenly, I can breathe again! God bless you and your dad- what a blessing to have a Godly earthly father who is by your side helping you face spiritual battles.

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    1. thank you so much for sharing your heart, Eden, I really appreciate your honesty and encouragement. you’re so right – we’ve got to put on that armor! big hugs to you friend xox

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  19. I am proud you recognize the source is the devil. Your father is a really good father. You are young and beautiful and growing mentally and spiritually. There will continue to be negative people in our lives, especially in our hometowns. Even Jesus was spurned in His hometown. You do seem to have a real challenge. It seems you want to be back in Ohio and yet are more comfortable in NY where you are accepted as you are without having the pain of history follow you to church or the grocery store. In the end it is a matter of your heart. At some point you will learn to accept some people are just plain nasty. They are bitter, insecure, and jealous. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid them. You should. That’s hard to do in church but not impossible. Avoiding any eye contact with those people can work but at some point God will give you the words which will quiet forever their criticisms. You do not have to be nice to people who are not nice to you. Jesus says love your enemy because it’s easy to love our family and friends and what is the honor in that? He doesn’t mean, however, we should suffer their attacks. He means we should pray for them and truly want good things for them. It is one of the hardest things he commands us to do. It takes a long time but eventually we grow and let go. I’ll be praying for you to follow God’s will in your life. It is hard to know if He wants you in NY or Ohio. Since your plan is to pray about it, I know His answer will come and you will know where you should be. God Bless.

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    1. thank you so much Phyllis, I really appreciate your kind words and wonderful advice. you’re so right – we’ve got to pray for them and pray for the situation. big hugs to you friend xox

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  21. I believe you can get past the place itself I believe. But do you really have to go to that particular parhish? You could be right about the attack being meant to keep you from moving home. Anyway, I will pray for your guidance and wisdom. Hang in there.

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    1. thank you Tony 🙂 I think you’re right – i have to just get past it. thank you for your prayers and kindness. big hugs to you and yours xox

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    1. yeah, that’s very true Walt. I’ve got to keep my eyes focused on the future. thank you for stopping by! big hugs xox

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  23. I just wanted to say how blessed I am when I read your blog! How you incorporate your relationship with Jesus into your recovery and into your every day situations!
    He is so faithful and you remind me of this as you open up about your struggles, blessing and miracles! Thank you again for sharing and being so open and obedient to His call on your life! ❤

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    1. oh my gosh Kat, thank you so much! what a kind thing to say! Yes! Jesus IS my recovery — honestly. thank you for stopping by! big hugs x

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  24. Great insight as always Caralyn. My response is If Satan doesn’t like you there, there is a reason for it. The opportunity to reach more souls is the question in my mind. Jesus was tempted before he began his ministry. I totally understand steering clear of risky environments. It is essential in early recovery, however it is sometimes necessary and that is where having an escape plan intact and giving yourself permission to bail. I no longer consider anyplace risky those urges and ideas have been eradicated from me (miracle) Where is God calling you to bear fruit? God Bless- Jeff

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    1. thank you so much friend. you’re right, that just means all the more that that’s where I’m supposed to be!!! that’s a great question to pray about and contemplate. thanks Jeff. Big hugs to you and happy new year!

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  25. Thank you for this! I had struggles throughout high school, but I never felt safe or valued enough to share what I was going through with people at my church. I just felt constant judgment and expectations. Maybe that’s why I have such a difficult time going back to my home church with my parents. Thank you for being so transparent with your growth and healing.

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    1. thank you for sharing your story, Tonya. Sending you so much love. Sometimes it helps to remember how far you’ve come since then 🙂 your story is a story of victory 🙂 big hugs to you xox

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  26. Thank you for sharing this particular battle. I’m so grateful your dad was able to see and remind you of the truth. I was in need of this kind of reminder today as well. Love to you!

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    1. thank you so much Melissa, yeah I am so grateful for my papa too — he’s a great man. big hugs to you xox

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  27. I just moved to Ohio in August. NYC is my most favorite place on earth, and I explored Chicago for the first time in Nov. Thank you for sharing you heart and words.

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    1. welcome to the Heart Land, Jeanie! i hope you’re loving it so far 🙂 big hugs to you! so glad you stopped by! xox

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      2. oh my gosh I love Lebanon! going to the golden lamb was always a tradition in my family growing up! have you been to the Sauerkraut festival in Waynesville? It’s definitely a lot of fun! xox

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  29. I’m saddened to hear that you experienced this satanic attack, but also glad that your father wisely saw it for what it was and could help.

    Could it be that not everyone who tells you that you look better is being snide? Or that they aren’t socially inept? A greeting to someone I haven’t seen in some time often is to comment that they look good! While someone recovering from ED hears a painful reminder, it may be well-intentioned. Perhaps more inexperienced or uninformed than socially inept.

    You know the concern I have for you and the support I try to give, but I find myself wondering if I haven’t inadvertently put my foot in at times. I know I recently commented on a picture that shows such a confident, open smile compared to your first video to introduce yourself to us. I hoped to compliment how you’ve bloomed over time. Maybe that’s what at least some of those people are trying to do as best they know how.

    Of course, I didn’t hear the tone of their delivery. I don’t have the history.

    Anyway, maybe I’ve completely misread what you were trying to convey. So my apologies if I just didn’t get it tonight. Or if I’ve offended you at any point. Just continue blooming!

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    1. Thanks for this Jeff, yeah that’s a great point – it could be just a well meaning salutation after a long period of time. Oh gosh – I didn’t take your comment that way at all!! truly. What I’m referring to in this post is muchhhhb different. In almost a patronizing, “bless her heart” kind of way. Ah well, people mean well i guess. Shoe on the other foot I’d probably be saying the same thing. Thanks Jeff 🙂 no offense taken here! 🙂 sorry no Patreon tonight – I’m staying at my bro and sister in laws and no time to sneak away to record. Will try to get to it tmrw! Have a great night and big hugs to you and Julie! Xox

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      1. Good then. And after 6 years in Memphis I know all about “bless her heart!” So I get that COMPLETELY! Writing to you tonight out of an abundance of caution, I guess. Just enjoy your evening!!

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  31. God is great and he will continue to fight for you! I had encountered the things the devil dig up from my past a couple of times and I would get so angry and hurt and just cried out to God and rebuked the enemy with scriptures and trust me he did flee in Jesus Name! Keep strong and continue to stand as a warrior in Christ! Wherever God decides to have you settle, may it be renewing and peaceful! Much love xxoo 🙏🙏🙏💕

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    1. yes God is most certainly great! thanks Tammy 🙂 Amen – in Jesus’ Name he flees. Thank you for sharing that. big hugs to you my sweet friend xoxo

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  32. You’re right about protecting your heart. Moving to Ohio doesn’t force you to go to your same home church 😉 I am not, and haven’t been in your shoes at all, girl, and I’m not saying it’s the same. When I visit my home church, these are people (some) I’ve known since I was 7. Others came when I was a teenager. I know my openness, the fact I study and talk to God a lot isn’t always understood by others. November I went home and the guy giving the message was covering Matthew (end of time scriptures), and I shared a dream I had dealing with end of times, and I can connect it to scripture in Revelations, which I did. There were palm trees in the dreams, and in scripture it talks about how the saints carry palm branches. The person speaking didn’t know how to react to me sharing a dream like that, and instead made a joke about it “So if we see palm trees, we need to be worried.”

    It is frustrating to be misunderstood. And in your case, it’s hurtful to be around those who have hurt you. Listen girl, forgiving people and letting go of bitterness might be something to consider if the anger is there (and I’m speaking from a toxic church that did make me bitter, and I’ve been able to let go, but it took time 🙂 ) however, that doens’t mean you have to stay in the same place, by no means, even after the feelings of anger are gone!

    You’re a new creation in Christ ❤ People may not know what to say to you because they don't know you, they just are acquainted with you in church. So yep, you get a lot of surface talk, a lot of it can be meaningless. Christ was with you in all ways, and He continues to be. Be in the environment where you are surrounded by people with Christ in the center of their hearts. Reflect the light they are reflecting back.

    If you decide on moving back, remember, you aren't moving back to an old life, and you are not moving back to old places. Everything can be new, and new choices can be made as well 🙂 you should never feel chained down. Should you move, it's a new experience, but should you stay, girl, keep making new experiences 😉 leave the chains behind, don't pick them up. Let them stay at the feet of Christ. ❤ Love be upon you!

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    1. Thanks so much TR. you’re right, there’s a lot more to Ohio than just that one Parish. Gosh I’m sorry he reacted that way to your dream. You’re right – it’s so frustrating to be misunderstood. Gosh thank you for your beautiful and encouraging words. I am seriously so touched and I’m falling asleep tonight with such a warm heart. You’re a great friend. You’re right – everything can be new. Amen to that. Leave the chains behind! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼Hope your 2018 is off to a beautiful start. Sending big big big hugs xox

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      1. ❤ ❤ ❤ I'm so glad I could encourage you! We are sisters in Christ, you're aren't alone, and I live in Ohio. Beautiful state, but sometimes memories are hard.

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  34. “When things get hard, warriors are born!” Perfectly said. We are given such a powerful choice in the face of our struggles. I fight different battles when I go “home”, but can very much relate to what you so beautifully articulated. My husband and I are likely moving back to my hometown (or near it) in order to – like you – be closer to my mom whose health is struggling. In some ways, I am so ready for this season, but there are times when the devil sneaks up, cloaked in failures of the past, and sucks the breath right out of me. It’s intimidating, but without battles, there are not victories. Thanks for sharing thoughts that strike at the heart of what so many of us go through but don’t always know how to express.

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    1. Thanks Rashell. I’m sorry to hear that about your mom. I will def keep her in my prayers as well as you and your husband as you begin a new chapter. Hugs and love xox

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  35. Keep praying for what God wants you to do, and be willing to accept it. I’m sure you will. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story and struggles. Satan had to attack you because your blog is helping people. Also, thank you for clicking ‘like’ on my blog posts. I’m still building it.

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  37. You are not alone. Shoot – there are people AND places (including a church or two) I steer clear of because of the disquiet that I feel in my spirit.

    I have found that some people can stay in the same place and not be affected by it – they are thick-skinned, and our society seems to extol such tendencies as virtues. I am not that way. I am a very sensitive person, and there are definitely people and places that get to me – I find myself on the alert and feeling ill-at-ease.

    That’s all to say, though, that perhaps you may need to steer clear of a particular parish, but your experience doesn’t necessarily mean that you are meant to stay away from Ohio. Only you will know for sure – and I trust that the Lord will reveal to you according to His timing what His next steps are for you.

    This is not the same thing, but I got a clear signal from the Lord today that I was meant to postpone something that I really wanted to do this month. The more I tried to make it happen, the more friction that I experienced. In this case, this was not spiritual opposition in a negative sense – it was the Lord letting me know that now is not the time. The more I tried to lean into it, the more frustrated and frazzled I felt. Finally, I waved the white spiritual flag and told the Lord that I would postpone this event until February.

    In my case, I suspect that I was getting a little ahead of His timing, even though what I was trying to do was a good thing!

    Walking by faith can be a tricky business, but it’s always the right thing to do. Hang in there!

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    1. Thank you so much for this wonderful encouragement. That’s so wonderful that you’re so in tune with His promptings! Hugs and love xox

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      1. The Lord is using you mightily to touch the lives of so many people, and He has actually expanded your ministry (two blogs and two books, no?). Whether your base of operations is in NYC or the midwest, remember that He gies before you and paves the way forward. When it’s time for you to move, I hope that God gives you the peace that you seek about this important. In the interim, continue to let your light shine! You are a blessing.

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      2. Gosh what an incredibly kind thing to say. I am truly touched. Thank you 🙂 YOU are a blessing to ME!! 🙂 big big hugs to you friend xox

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  39. Oh the devil is sly! Always working with smokes and mirrors, creating an illusion that he has an army working with him around us, through the people close to us, and in our mind, just to haunt us. But fail he has, because he didn’t realise that through the cross there would be redemption, and through his shameful act of trying to get you, he set up a ripple effect of encouragement through the post you just wrote. I do feel like laughing, in fact, I am. I laugh at the way he just lost the battle on you . . . bloom on, Overcomer.

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      2. Yes! God is so good. Lots to be grateful for. Thanks again for such ind words. Hugs and love xox

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  40. I have had many situations where the Devil used my memories like a hail of bullets. Our memory types are different, but I know where you are coming from.
    If you feel that moving home is going to be too tough, may I suggest Columbus? It would be closer to home, but you could still retreat to somewhere where no one knew you back then, when it all gets too much.

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  41. Oh the attack of the enemy, and how he can reach through the tiniest of pinholes. I love that you shared this. What a beautiful moment with you and your Dad. It’s amazing what we can accomplish when we are mindful of the attack, and who it is attacking us.

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  42. Oh that Satan…always using our weaknesses against us. If all you could think of on your walk is “Oh, God,” it’s okay. God understands that you are calling out to Him.. He knows what you are feeling and going through and will give you strength and knowledge about what to do. Thank you for posting this. I have to leave my home every Summer with my husband because of his job and Satan is always attacking me when it comes to this because I love being at home where I feel safest. I need to embrace God’s plan for us and focus on that more than what Satan places into my head.

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    1. Yeah, I think it was a plea of desperation. Thanks for sharing your story. Yeah he’ll try and find a foothold when we’re vulnerable. Hugs and love xox

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  44. So sorry you are going through this. One way to change the cycle and and the track that keeps playing in your head is… a make over. Not for you, but for your old room. It’s been years since you’ve been in high school. Why not talk to your mom about boxing up and either storing, or getting rid of all that old stuff that is no longer YOU. It is the past. Chuck it. Then, repaint and redo everything. if your room was pink, paint it yellow, or whatever you like or your mom likes. Make it a guest room without anything to do about you. This will also help you individuate from EVERYTHING about your past and help you to be seen as the new you. Your dad gave you some amazing advice. He sounds like a great guy!
    It sounds to me as if you already wish you were living in OH. The past is keeping you from moving forward. Rewrite your life! I know what it is like to have family hang on to ‘old Melissa’. Things that I liked or was into 30 years ago that I no longer care about but they still hang on to my past more than I do. It’s as if THEY cannot move forward. That’s their issue, not mine. Those people at church are stuck in a rut, not you. Some people want to keep other people mired in the past to feel better about themselves and their messed up lives. You do not have to participate in their messed up way of living. You are making changes. You have let go of your past. They can carry the burden of your past if they wish but they can only use it as a weapon against you if you let them. You do not need to acknowledge them or have them in your life or go down that road of remembrance with them. Just breeze past them with your head held high. You have done amazing things. You are a survivor. Don’t allow anything, or anyone to undo all you have accomplished. Love ya!

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    1. Thanks so much Melissa, I really appreciate your encouragement. A make over! I love that idea!!! Hugs and love xox

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  46. Sounds like you are going through a new “birthing” process…new life is in progress. My advice would be to spend time in silent, self-emptying, meditation-prayer. Then listen, watch, be open for signs that will speak to your heart…and also journal about it. Peace and blessings to you.

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    1. Thanks Bill, I really appreciate your encouragement. That is some really great advice 🙂 thank you!! Hugs and love xox

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  47. Caralyn, I think sometimes God allows those reactions to spur deeper growth. Like, wow, I’m not over that yet. I still need to forgive or heal or whatever. I’ve gone through similar experiences. When you feel attacked I would (obviously alone) speak out loud and say, “You beat me down as a hurting girl but now I am a redeemed woman and a warrior and you don’t get the last say.”
    When you’re feeling strong you should take back enemy territory. Don’t let him scare you out of taking back lands he’s stolen. Put on praise music and pack up your high school stuff. You can symbolically let it go. Feel the feelings but do it to close that chapter (and get your bedroom back!).
    Perfect love casts our fear and we already have the victory in Christ.
    Much love, Sierra

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    1. Thanks Sierra, I think you’re absolutely right about that. This is a growing pain i think. So glad you stopped by. Hugs and love xox

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  48. I’ve found whenever you gain some mayor victory, every so often you have to re-sit the “exam”. It’s not bad. The Lord allows it so you stay in shape, battle wise. This is especially important for you as you’ve long been going on the attack to help others win this battle. For sure the enemy is upset with you for that – that’s why you need to stay in shape, ready to fight and sadly the only way to do that is by fighting. Remembering the Lord promised you would not be tried above what you are able.
    You recently won yet another victory with your miracle so it’s to be expected the enemy will launch a full scale attack, especially as you are thinking of moving back home which would involve facing your fears. I think the focus is not, should or shouldn’t you move back home, but that you need to fight and win this battle in the same way a doctor takes courses to update his studies. When you are free of the fear then you can make your decision based on the right reasons.
    Fear is always a toughie. The best weapon I’ve found to defeat it is total imersion in God’s promises, (even saying them outloud when attacked) and praise. The devil can’t stand either and has to flee (getting others to pray is also good, but best to have your own sword!) Always remember he’s scared shitless of you because you have the power of Christ. So often we picture the devil as this impensely powerful being, but actually he’s less than dust where Jesus is concerned – he just has a big megaphone! lol!

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    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response Claire! You’re so right I have to remember God’s promises 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  49. Miss Caralyn,
    There is so much richness in your words, so much to unpack and listen. I’m reminded of the brokenness and pain. That sometimes people of faith, with good intentions say really stupid things. Yes, social graces go out the door when masking deep concern that can not be adequately expressed. I’ve said more stupid things in my life than I care to admit, sometimes with deep concern for someone, and sometimes because my brain and heart are simply not in sync with my mouth.
    What strikes me deeply in both the hearing of the words, and in the sharing of the experience is that there is still room for God’s healing grace in the experience of being in the parish where you were deeply in the throes of your eating disorder. I don’t know if there will ever be a moment when you are able to return to this parish. The only thing I know is there is room for God’s healing, and mercy.

    You are beautiful, and wounded, and holy, and vulnerable!

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    1. Thank you so much Teri! What a beautiful note of encouragement. You’re right – there is room for His healing and mercy 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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