On Guard

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

So I’m leaving for Chicago tomorrow.

Just staying over for one night, and then back to NYC tomorrow.

But I’m going because my dad is receiving an award…the Man of the Year Award, from an international organization, so I’m going there to sit in the audience and cheer him on.

So dad, if you’re reading this (and I know you are!) congratulations! You have always been the man of the year in my eyes. And I thank you for all the selfless ways you’ve given to your family throughout your life, each and everyday.

I’ve spent a good deal of time here, in Ohio during the holidays, thinking about my future. About whether I should continue to live in NYC, where I’ve been building my life for the last seven years, or if I should move back to Ohio and “settle down.”

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And no surprise here, that I’ve talked myself around in a circle to the point of dizziness. But I’m just always struck by how easily I can be reminded here, of that dark part of my life, when I was battling anorexia in high school and early college.

That memory creates a huge shadow that follows me around here. It’s why I moved in NYC in the first place: to start fresh and create a new life as the healed young woman I am.

But this past Sunday at church, I had a really, just awful experience. Since I have been back in Ohio, we’ve been going to a new parish downtown where my brother and sister-in-law attend. It’s beautiful, there’s an amazing choir, and it’s where my miracle took place.

But last Sunday, we went back to our local parish. The one I went to during my illness in high school.

And let me tell you, I was just attacked, spiritually, the whole time I was there.

I remember back during my disease that I would just loathe going to Mass, simply because it meant that I had to sit still for an hour. Which was a death-sentence for me, because stillness meant I wasn’t burning calories.

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I can remember as clear as day, the racing thoughts that harangued my brain, as I would violently bounce my legs in an effort to appease my exercise addiction.

And the people at church all knew what I was going through. It was no secret – I was wearing my illness on my skeletal body. But there would be whispers and judgmental looks from some. Feigned concern that masked their ugly gossip, slaughtering me and my family’s reputation.

And still to this day, there are wonderful people who still TEN YEARS LATER go: Oh, I’m so glad you’re doing so well. Or my favorite, You look so healthy now.

Yeah, thanks.

The social ineptness is just astounding.

But sitting there in the pews on Sunday, all of that just hit me right in the face. It was like I walked into a brick wall and there was Satan, standing over me, and jeering at me while I was down.

And it completely rocked me. Truly. I couldn’t shake the feeling of anger and disgust and remorse and judgment and inadequacy for the rest of the day. I was a different person. I was mean. I was short. I was picking fights with my parents for no good reason.

And my dad just pulled me aside as hot tears were streaming down my face in a fit of anxious rage, and he looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Don’t let the devil get to you.”

I know this is a bit of a heavy topic, but he really is on the prowl, and will use any foothold we give him to worm his way back into our lives and wreak havoc.

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I ended up taking a walk alone that afternoon to walk it off. Listened to some music and let the endorphins work their magic. I tried to pray, but truthfully I couldn’t come up with the words other than, O God. 

That afternoon served as a reminder that I am not invincible. Sure, I was coming off of an incredible stretch of time here at home with my friends and family and even someone kind-of interesting, but the devil can even find us on the mountaintop and kick us down to the dust.

Doesn’t matter how strong your recovery is or how impenetrable your fortress.

My dad knew what was going on. He called it out. And instilled in me the belief that I could resist and turn things around.

But there’s something to be said about protecting your heart and your mind from situations or places that will make you susceptible to attacks.

Case in point: when I stay at my parents’ house in Ohio, I don’t sleep in my old bedroom. I just can’t. I feel incredibly attacked, seeing my high school memorabilia and things and pictures that remind me of that dark time in my life.

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It looks like my home parish is one of those places too. Which is a real pity.

And honestly gives me grave pause as I have been prayerfully considering the possibility of moving home for good this summer.

But then maybe that’s the doubt he was trying to stir up by attacking me in that way.

I don’t know. A lot to consider. A lot to pray about.

But the most important thing to remember is that Jesus conquers all. There is no match for our King.

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249 thoughts on “On Guard”

  1. Hi Caralyn,

    Just my thoughts on your post….

    I believe that what is past is past and should stay there. The trials and struggles that you have suffered have shaped the wonderful person that you have become. Don’t be afraid of it for this very reason. It is because of your past experiences that you are now a new you. You are not the same person that fell into ED. Maybe you are ready to meet the past straight on now and continue to build your life. Guess what I am trying to say is ‘Look Forwards, Not Backwards!’

    I totally know where you are coming from regarding the insensitive comments that people make I get them too with my cancer. Everyone wants to tell you about someone they know who died of exactly what I’ve got, then there are those who send you the most ridiculous ‘cure’ to try that they’ve seen advertised online….. Try to ignore them. They don’t matter. God sees the person you are and ultimately He is the one that matters.

    Hope you have a wonderful time with your lovely supportive Dad and many congratulations to him.

    Lots of love
    Gill

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    1. P.S.

      You talk about your old bedroom with your high school memorabilia. Get rid of it. It’s not helping your recovery. If you can’t bear to throw it all out, stick it in a box and put it in the loft (do you have lofts in your houses or are they attics?).

      Then give your old bedroom a makeover, kick the devil in the teeth, and move back into it!

      Gill x

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    2. Thank you so much Gill for this beautiful encouragement. You’re right – it should stay in the past. I am so touched by this. Thank you. And thank you for sharing your experience with cancer. I’m so glad you’re doing well 🙂 big hugs xox

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  3. Thank you for being open and honest. It is awful to have those times of oppressive attack. Thank you for calling it what it is. I’ve been feeling a similar weight in different ways and my counselor (she loves Jesus) has noticed this corporately among other Christians recently – across the board. It is encouraging to know not feel alone in it but the battles, at the same time are so real.

    I’m so glad your Christmas holidays were fun! Bless you Caralyn!

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  4. I have had a slightly similar experience with a different cause. I went through a marriage breakup at 26 and felt like the only one, couldn’t face church…he was the youth pastor prior. I ended up moving overseas to get fresh start and shake identity which really was a good thing. I also ended up returning when my mum got sick and wasn’t sure if I would stay long term. In the end it really was a place I loved…I found a new church and eventually new man and would be quite happy to stay there rest of my life. Its almost like full circle of healing.

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    1. Thanks so much Louie! Oh gosh I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through that. I’m glad things worked out well 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  5. Hi Caralyn: I am sorry to hear of the demonic attacks coming against you, but I am really not surprised. You have come so far in your relationship with Jesus, the Christ, it is natural for the enemy of your soul, the biggest enemy of Christ, to regard you as a challenge to his domain wherever you go.

    On becoming a Christ follower, Christ lives in you, and your life is by faith in Him, not on your own value, or things you do at all.

    kGalatians 2:20
    I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

    The “old Caralyn” is gone, the “new, improved, transformed, Christ centred Caralyn” is alive and well, and the enemy does not like the “new, improved” Caralyn that honours God, and shares Jesus Christ as Saviour.

    2 Corinthians 5:17
    Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

    You are a completely new person in Christ now, Caralyn. The old you no longer exists.

    In our human nature, we do not like hardships, trials, and troubles, but as Apostle Paul wrote many years ago, he had many, so why should we assume to be different. Struggles do make us stronger in Christ, as we follow Him, and His Spirit fills us.

    2 Corinthians 12:10
    That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

    As for your prayers of “Oh God”, He understands perfectly. At times that us all we can say, which is admitting we don’t have the answers, but God does, and we trust Him completely.

    It sounds strange, but I do believe that the enemy will very often plan his attacks on Christ followers in a place of worship, because it is least expected there, and we can be caught off guard. Not everyone who attends any church is a Christ follower, some even carry evil spirits in with them, and if the Followers, or Leadership do not pray protection over the flock, and ban the evil, in Jesus Name, trouble can arise.

    If you are led by the Spirit to move back to Ohio, or continue to live in NYC, there is one suggestion I offer. In your parent’s home, because of your past in that home that bothers you, I suggest you do a prayer walk through the home. This means entering every room, especially your bedroom from younger days, asking the Lord Jesus to remove any and every foul, evil spirit who is still hanging around there bringing back memories, and cleanse and purify the room with His Shed Blood.
    When you do this through the home, it is a Spiritual house cleaning, and as doing it, also invite the Holy Spirit to reside and be in control of each room. Do every room individually, as well as the basement, being ready for Holy Spirit to lead you in prayer for some things you would never have thought of.

    It is a Spiritual battle you are in. Even though Jesus Christ won the war when He walked out of the tomb, we have some battles to fight through. That is why we were given the Armour of God, with instructions, as Apostle Paul was guided by Holy Spirit in Ephesians.

    Lastly, if you originally felt the Spirit leading you to move back to Ohio, don’t allow the enemy to put fear into you, to stay away. That means he wins.

    God Bless You Caralyn,
    Luv. 😀🌹❤️
    George

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    1. This is so powerful. Thank you George. Amen – the old me is gone and the new in Christ has come! Thank you for your friendship and positivity. You are a blessing to me! Hugs and love xox

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      2. Thanks! Yes! She’s there’s too! In fact I found out that they BOTH received the award last night! Woo! 🙂 big hugs to you xox

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      3. That is so neat. Give my congratulations to each of them. They are super people, a super couple, and super parents. We just have to look at the Daughter they have. Hugs and Luv. 😀🌹❤️

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      4. I definitely definitely will 🙂 shucks, you’re making me blush 🙂 hehe have a great Saturday! X

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  6. Bless you! I know only too well of the stigma attached to recovering from an eating disorder and how different places and experiences can trigger those awful times. Stand firm against the enemy. That is your past, you are on overcomer through Christ!

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  7. Thank yo so much for putting your voice to the greatly avoided topic of the devil’s real influence on our thoughts and behaviors. This is a REAL thing, not just a fanatical “Christian” belief. He wants us to fail, it’s simple as that, and uses whatever nasty, hurtful, confusing thoughts that will discourage, derail, and topple us when we CHOOSE to entertain them, listen to them, and/or believe them. I’m so glad your wonderful Dad saw through that crafty old serpent devil and reminded you that you do not have to let him win! You are so strong and victorious! Keep going, keep kicking, keep overcoming – and when the time is right for YOU, you will know and be ready to live in some of those old meaningful spaces, and they will no longer hurt you. I have faith in you – you go girl ❤

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    1. Thank you so much Mindy. You’re right – it is real and we have to keep our eyes on Jesus. Thanks for your encouragement . Hugs and love xox

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  9. What an awesome dad you have! Aren’t you grateful he was there at that moment to encourage and instruct you? You may not have been expecting the devil’s attack at your home parish but God was prepared – He had the help you needed to withstand the attack right beside you. Yay, God! And yay, Dad! 😉

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  10. Not all boats are in the same tide, right? Your old Place may not have risen in all the same spots……. But you had your NAVIGATION and in the end, that’s what counts. Give it a few days to settle before you think you have to make a decision about where to Be……I have a feeling the message will be unmistakable! So, out of your head, on with Love.

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  11. We are molded by our own experiences, elevating us to a new one but it doesn’t take effect if we don’t allow ourselves to embrace things happens in our past experiences, I know it’s difficult but we have to embrace it that it’s already happening, no best antidote for this but accept and learn from it, acquire what we lack and keep our faith strong… we can do nothing about it because whether we like it or not it is already part in our history… and through those histories we become what we become for it is our starting point to become someone whose personality is desirable.

    I know you are indeed a very strong person to dealt this events in your life… 🙂 Your stories nailed in my mind, and you’re such a good person.

    THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

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    1. I knew that GOD is always here to guide you and you know that. 🙂 Honestly your story touch my heart as how you suffer from your past…

      May you find peace as you go along into your next journey ❤

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    2. Thanks friend. That’s so true – gotta learn from it. Thanks for your beautiful encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  12. Amen! It might help, I find that his most vicious attacks come after I have had some kind of success. Whether one or a few, it draws him out and honestly I believe it is meant to distract me away from learning from the
    success. Then for some, the distraction is enough to throw us completely off course for a longer period of time. Glad to hear that your dad spotted it and that you two are close enough that you listen to him. Awesome! I pray your vision is clear for where you should be.

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  14. Great post! Doubt is the hardest to tangle with for sure. Whenever doubt comes knocking on my door, I invite it in for tea. I feel like since I invited it ( mostly unconsciously) I may as well listen to what it has to say. Then I show it back out the door and usually learn that Im not going to let doubt stop me from what I want/need. 😊

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  15. I think that you will be able to overcome this darkness with love, and shed light at those places if you “repurpose” them. Little by little. Foster new, good experiences in them. But I can completely understand the feeling of wanting to escape traumatic spaces. What’s helped me override any traumatic experience I’ve had was really digging deeper into the word of God. The exercise of reading his word daily has strengthened me and very often when I go anywhere I actually feel like I’m transcending that place by arriving there guarded by God’s love. I can then take any and every place with a renewed heart. 🙂

    Forgiving myself and others also helps rebuild my perception of those places. Sometimes we think we’ve forgiven people, and maybe we have. But there’s also the part about forgiving ourselves – because it is not uncommon for us to feel guilty for having “put up” with hurt, pain, abuse.

    I pray that God will continue to heal you and that soon you will feel like you “own” those places and can go in and out with a peaceful heart. But till then, I am sure there are lots of other spaces around – enough for you to build your life and not have to dwell on any darkness elsewhere. 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. Repurpose them. I like that. Thanks for your prayers. Hugs and love xox

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  16. Hooray for your dad, Caralyn!! New year, new season. Many times God asks us to shed the old so He can make room for the new. Perhaps a new place of worship is His perfect will. I am confident that as you continue to seek him first He will guide you. When we praise Him he ambushes the enemy for us and rescues us! (2Chronicles 20:21-22). ❤️

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  17. You wrote in a post:

    “Well friends, wouldn’t you know, that on the evening of celebrating the miracle that took place in Mary’s womb, a miracle took place in my own, as well.

    Yes friends, you can now call me Fertile Myrtle.”

    I would assume that you are with child. If this is true. Then it is no longer all about you. You are on the path to motherhood and that means your child comes first. Your child comes before your job, before your fears, before your angst, before your disease. You are not choosing a place for you to live but rather a place where you will raise a child. There is no higher calling for a human than this. I have not heard much about this miracle. I hope that you are still growing a new life in you. (I know that there are so many things that can happen in the first trimester.) Making choices should become easier if you prioritize the life you carry.

    We live in a world where the supernatural forces of good (Jesus and His angels) battle the supernatural forces of evil (Satan and his minions). Satan has dominion over the earth. He prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. He attacks those who are not his. He concentrates his attacks on our weakest points. You may want to ponder why the devil does not want you in Ohio.

    Stand tall. Own your past. You have overcome it. You are a new creation in Christ in Ohio or New York.

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    1. Thanks you so much friend. So I realize that my wording back in that post was not the most clear because I’m actually not pregnant, I just got my period for the first time ever! 🙈🙈🙈I just didn’t want to put that right out there in a blunt way. So I’m sorry for the confusion. Yeah that is true – maybe that’s all the more reason to return to Ohio! Thanks for stopping by and have a great weekend! Hugs and love xox

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  18. “I will not say: do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.” (J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King) Maybe it’s time to recover from your recovery. Allow yourself your imperfection, embrace it.

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  20. Wow, just wow. Thank for being so brave to share something so personal but know that by writing this you are helping. I struggle with a lot in my life too and I do believe there is an evil force that wants to pull us back into our old habits and away from God. But God is a great healer and i believe he works overtime to bring us back into the light. I really like you blog btw. Keep up the good and continue to do good.

    Dave

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    1. Thanks so much Dave. I really appreciate your thoughtful response and affirmation. It means a lot! God is so good! Hugs and love xox

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  21. Satan really does prowl like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Good for your dad and you that you recognized it. Maybe a little later than you would have preferred, but you still got it right. I think you’re wise to avoid the trigger areas. Perhaps you can even ask your folks if they’d please redo your old room so it’s not frozen in time with memories that make you feel inadequate and anxious. Even if you don’t sleep in there, you’ll know the old you is not living there anymore. Because remember: the old has gone, the new has come! That is a promise and just plain fact. You’re doing great. Keep fighting. XO, Lynda

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    1. Thanks for this Lynda, for this encouragement. You’re right – the old has gone. The New has come. Amen! Hugs and love xox

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  22. I’ve offered this to others, and you might try it in your old bedroom: when the attack begins, focus on that younger you, and offer: “I love you. We are strong enough. Come to me.”

    Satanic spirits steal grace from their victims. If they are ever to be defeated, it must be recovered. That is the goal of the mantra.

    You might also consider that others are afflicted by the spirit in your old parish. The intensity of your experience suggests that it wants to keep your recovery from being evidence to others. But you also have a link into that afflicted community that can be used to restore the victims. Once you’ve established that you know how to protect yourself and that in fact you find your assailant to be pretty miserable, it’s to search around in the ugliness of that spirit to find and liberate the grace it has stolen from others.

    Yes, I am offering this advice from personal experience.

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    1. Wow Brian that is such a beautiful thought to offer the younger me that affirmation. I really appreciate this powerful advice. Sending big hugs x

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      3. Now that this is no longer the focus of commentary, it’s opportune to raise this: I had a dream nine months ago about the restoration of your fertility. So I’m curious: did you sense the healing occurrence last month, or was it simply time to reveal it after it had come fully to fruition?

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      4. oh wow, that is amazing Brian. I did! that’s what my post: It’s A Miracle was about! getting my period for the first time ever! shrinks in embarrassment But wow, how incredible!

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      5. I pursue this to illustrate how inutile it is to assert anything about the processes set in motion by the Most High. They are asynchronous and acausal. The constraints of material time are cast down. There is no proof. Faith is all that is left to us, and is the only tool that will prop open the door to love.

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  25. It’s amazing how Satan and the evil angels attack us. It’s more real then many realize. But God is never out-done as you say. The post is so beantiful, poignant and raw that it conjures the healing path I am on. Thank you a thousand times for the personal hope I receive from God through you Caralyn!

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  26. Church had a lot of influence on me through high school — years I prefer to not spend much time remembering… Forgiveness took many years… It did not occur because those who offended me, or whom I offended, ever were able to talk it out to come to an understanding… but because I decided that this church meant something to my parents regardless of what it meant to me. The times I returned, while visiting my parents, most people had completely forgotten what occured 35 years ago. The few who did remember were impressed that I was the one who initiated the return.

    Regarding the devil, here’s a bluegrass song for you, by the Grascals, Satan Knew My Grandma Well, enjoy, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wv-xh8_o1A

    -Oscar

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    1. Thanks for sharing that Oscar. Yes forgiveness definitely takes time. Thanks for sharing that song! Hugs and love xox

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  28. This was a beautiful encouraging post. I am living far away from my childhood home and I often wonder if I did a mistake moving so far away in a different country. I am not saying don’t move back but I know the struggle you feel in. Stay strong and listen to God’s answer He is there and He will answer you.
    On that note thank you for this post, it made me turn around and realise the doubt I am feeling right now in my live is Satan trying to put me down, but I will not let him.

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    1. Thank you Ariel! I’m so glad you enjoyed the post and that it struck a chord with you. Yes! Let’s resist him! Hugs and love xox

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  29. Great note Caralyn!

    I am grateful to God for yet again encouraging you, spurring you on, in a desire to know and understand His Word and subsequently Him.

    I often wonder whether ‘discouragement,’ as part of our broken nature is used by God for the purpose of sanctification. To go from discouragement to having ‘fanned the flame of the gift of God’ (2 Tim. 1:6) and then to an appropriate action based on new understanding… well there is nothing like it! That said let no one tell you that for a Christian, discouragement is wrong (unless it becomes a way of being!). It may seem logical: if the gospel saves us, it must save us from ever being discouraged, right? Such an idea seems spiritual… are we not ‘more than conquerors through him who loved us’ (Rom. 8:37)? BUT, remember the gospel saves us from death, not by removing death, but by helping us to face it in the power of Christ’s victory and thus to overcome it. So it is also with sin and with discouragement. Faith in Christ does not remove all sin or discouragement (and their causes); it enables us to overcome them. We may experience discouragement; but we will not be defeated by it. Psalms 42 and 43 teach us the biblical approach to discouragement: we feel it, we recognize it for what it is, and we analyze the reasons for its presence, which brings us back to 2 Timothy 1! (see also Romans 12:1-2, 2 Corinthians 10:5)

    I think perhaps the way we view our past is far too informed by secular psychology rather than by the doctrine of redemption (by Christ, in Christ & for Christ). As a new believer, grieving our past and coming to terms with the wrongs we have done (opportunities for biblical repentance!) and the shame associated with both our actions and the actions of others, is appropriate. However as time moves on, if our past pain is what informs our present identity, shame (Gen. 3:9-11) wins the day. Christ did not die for you & I to live in shame. It is our shame that manifests itself in pain, frustration, disappointment and despair. The story of Peter’s restoration (a better description than Peter’s failure!) is a lesson in the redemptive power of Christ from shame. Perhaps it was doubly hard for Peter because Jesus had told him to his face of his impending betrayal. Peter, knowing that Jesus was “…the Christ, the Son of the living God” emphatically declared that he would stand faithfully by his side until the end! Peter’s heart was hard to the rooster’s crow… he remained oblivious of his sin past the third denial. Potentially a rooster’s crow would serve to remind Peter of his denial, forcing him to face his crushing triple failure, at the beginning of every day for the rest of his life! However, a look from Christ broke Peter’s sinful slumber. Peter left the place of his denial, where clearly he was in both physical and spiritual danger and wept. We do not see him again until the resurrected Christ appears to him with his threefold charge to feed the sheep and lambs. For Peter the ‘bone’ of courage needed to be broken, for when it was reset it became the strongest ‘bone’ in his body! For the rest of his life, Peter lived ashamed to be ashamed! It was Peter who preached the first gospel message at Pentecost and he never relented. Grace was revived in him and he cast off shame having been transformed from tragedy into triumph through repentance and God’s forgiveness. This is your (and my) journey as well. We need to look upon the gaze of Christ, leave ‘the places’ of our denial (sometimes physically/sometimes metaphorically), weep, and be restored unto gospel usefulness (2 Peter 1:5-10).

    While we may always remember what happened, we need to believe that we are not what happened. We are who God says we are — new creations (2 Cor. 5:17). When we reject what our shame, in all its manifestations, says about us, we can finally hear what God says about us. He is working in all things to bring about good in our lives because we love God and are called according to his purposes (Romans 8:28). King David didn’t try to pretend he was innocent — he was honest. But neither did he allow shame/guilt to rob him — or God — of the joy of a life redeemed and restored. He knew he couldn’t change the past, but he hoped he could change the future.

    When we hope in what God has promised — commanded — our hope is the same as certainty. We need to live in certainty… not shame.

    Grace & Peace

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  30. There are so many things I love about this post – thank you for sharing. One of those things I love is your tag line – because we’re all recovering from something – so true. You are a warrior!

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  31. Hey firstly thx for checking out my blog. Hopefully you liked it!! It’s a small but tight community and I am happy you dropped by. I have been trying to make it more honest open and personal or others to relate to and connect to without shame or fear of being judged. If you have any feedback for me please don’t hesitate to tell me. And wow I love your honesty in this post. I mean I could literally see how hard it must be to talk about these things and yet you did so openly and I really admire that. I hope you are better now but I understand that going to places of your past can evoke some good and bad memories. xxx

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  32. I experienced spiritual assault every time I go to my church. I’ll just be sitting there and I get hammered by despair and self-hatred.

    That’s how I know I’m supposed to be there. I don’t undergo this anywhere else. The fact that I get so brutalized there is a dead giveaway that Satan doesn’t want me there, and that therefore, God does.

    You probably know this, but spiritual warfare can actually be a great diagnostic in this way. You can often nail down Satan’s objectives by looking at where or how he’s fighting you. It makes for great intel.

    Perhaps that’s a line to pray along when seeking his will for you?

    Whatever happens, I grieve that you have to deal with this, and I pray for God’s victory in your life. I pray that you will be rooted and established in God’s love, and I declare that greater is He who is in you than he who’s in the world. I pray that the cross and blood of Christ and his death and resurrection be brought against the assaults in your life and then all Satan’s operations be cut off and disarmed in Jesus’ name and by his authority.

    Hang in there, sister. Keep your eyes on God and on all the ground he’s already retaken. He’s not done yet.

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    1. I’m so sorry to hear that Brandon. Yes. That means you definitely are supposed to be there! I’ll def keep you in my prayers 🙂 thanks friend xox

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  33. When I am at a loss for what to say to God I simply say “thank you.” Because I know there’s a message in there somewhere and I’m just waiting for it to to revealed to me.

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  34. Sometimes a prayer that is just “o God” is exactly what we need. Sometimes we don’t need to put our feelings, fears, thoughts into words. He knows. He understands. And that cry of “o God” from the heart He truly hears. I’ll be praying that you are able to find the direction He wants you to take – to move back home or stay in NYC.

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  35. “I tried to pray, but truthfully I couldn’t come up with the words other than, O G_d. ” Happily no other words are necessary, and even these two are optional.

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  36. You’ve conquered a lot and this is another challenge that I am sure you’ll conquer for you have God by your side. As you said, our Savior is matchless! May He continue to guide you. God bless.

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  39. This was very special. You come across as so together, beautiful, upbeat active, working towards an amazing future, bouncebouncebounce etc and to hear you show us you’re still very human, and that things still haunt you even now, I just want to say thank you for sharing that. Recovery from anything can be a long hard road and we all have those little things which can get us down. I was just going through an online storage file and found an old voicemail which had me in tears in public. (Yay. Good end to the day!).
    So anyway. Keep at it and dont let those demons win.

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    1. Thank you so much friend 🙂 I really appreciate your kind and generous words. Aww, thank you for sharing that. You’re right – even a voicemail. Thanks for stopping by. Big big hugs to you xox

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  41. There are places that remind us of a former self and a relentless nemesis we thought was gone. We just cannot forget. The slightest sound, smell, touch, words put us THERE. But, we are still HERE. We made it through. To me, that is what being “saved” is all about.

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  42. Hello dear. Wow, I am 64 years old this past December, and when I read this post I said to myself, “I’m not the only one who has this feeling rush back after such a long time.” I was married so early in life once for 5 years. I married at 20 years old and lived to regret it. I got out and life continued with life’s ups and downs. I married the most wonderful man in the world when I was 32 years old and we will celebrate 32 years of marriage in July, God willing. But you know what, there are times when that sad and disappointing 5 years of marriage comes back to me and I wish I had did or said something other that what I did when I was so young. What’s more the first husband has died and I got angry again because of what I thought I should have done.

    But I recognized the enemy and began to pray my way through. “Oh God” was most of my prayer, too. I learned to ask the Lord to take the sting out of that situation so that it won’t bog me down. Whenever it comes up, I ask the Savior for grace and to give me a scripture, a prayer and even a song of praise. It works every time. Whenever anger for something long ago rises in me, grace abounds to disspel it. God bless you in 2018. I look forward to your posts.

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    1. thank you so much for sharing your story, friend. i really appreciate your kind words and encorgement. you’re right – Oh God is a powerful prayer indeed. keeping you in my prayers. big hugs xo

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  43. Don’t go back. People can change, but communities take much longer. Oh yeah, I’m with you. The attacks are real. Keep that honesty about you. People need to know. And they also need to know God gets people through. I’m sure you’re proud of your dad. Don’t forget he’s proud of you.

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  44. Biggest hugs! You NEVER want to be in a bad place. Even if a time is better than a former time (that was bad), bad vibes can get to you. When you are in Ohio, definitely go to the other church, and not the one when you were going through things. When I was in Music School there were 2 concert halls and one time I had to play a piece as part of a short recital in this one hall. It was almost the end of the semester, I was having a rough one, and to top it, my last Great Uncle (my mom was an only so we only had “great” aunts and uncles, and only a couple a piece at that) had recently died. I botched the piece. Luckily this was an “unofficial recital”, so it wasn’t anything in my curriculum or what. After that, when I had recitals of any kind “unofficial and official” I played them in the other concert hall. Those bad vibes stayed away. Love and warm hugs!!!! xoxoxo

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    1. Hey friend, thank you so much for this encouragement. you’re right – gotta stay away from places with the bad vibes for sure. stick to the positive!! Hugs and love xox

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  45. Thank God that the reality is Lucifer can’t touch your heart ❤ sure, he can convince your mind–he can convince it real good if you're not grounded. But that's all he can do, Jesus made sure of that, and that's why sometimes all it takes is a call-out from someone insightful enough to see what's going on and gently loving enough to tell you what they see happening (: don't ever forget that, Caralyn, he can't have your heart ❤

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    1. Thank you so much Gail, I appreciate your prayers and friendship so much. Amen to that – God is always there for us 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  47. So many good thoughts shared by your readers! I can only imagine the depth of your struggle, but I do know that when the Lord brings victory, it is never a partial one. In Him we are overcomers. Whether or not you choose to move back home, God wants to give you victory there, even in your home church and in your old bedroom. You already know that it does not come easily or all at once. But the battle is His. I post this with a prayer for God’s continued wisdom, grace, and power in your life.

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    1. Hey again friend! thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. amen – the Lord really does bring victory! Hugs and love xox

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