The Truth about Age & Eating Disorders

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I need to be honest with you about something. Come clean, if you will…

I joined a gym.

Now I know, that may not seem like a big deal or anything, but when it comes to recovery from anorexia, the gym is one of those…treacherous areas.

Since I have been fully recovered, I haven’t belonged to a gym. Having seriously abused exercise – and actually had become addicted to it – during my disease, and much of the early years of my recovery, I have always been a strong component of a “no gym” lifestyle for myself. Just too dangerous of a mine field for my recovery. Kind of like how I don’t own a full length mirror.

But, truth be told, when I was home with my mom for those eight months during her stroke recovery, we would take walks on the indoor track at her gym, where we’d talk and do speech exercises.

Fast forward to this winter, being back in NYC, I just couldn’t handle taking a walk in the bitter cold for 30 minutes like I had in the past. My tough “New Yorker exterior” had been softened by those cozy, temperature controlled, indoor walks, and well…I bit the bullet and joined a gym.

And even though I am 10 years strong in my recovery, I still have to resist the urge to stay longer than I should on my treadmill walk.

A practice in self control, if you will.

Although, I will say…I have yet to break a sweat. hahah I’m just a walker.

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ANYWHO.

New York gyms are…depressing. I’m not going to sugar coat it. With space being at a premium in Manhattan, — unless you want to shell out $350/month to belong to Equinox — all the gyms are in basements, with no windows, and are literally a cement room with as many cardio machines crammed in as they can fit. Couple that with all the meat heads who are one creatine shake away from popping a bicep, and you’ve got yourself one heck of a workout experience.

So this week, I walked in and, as per usu, there was only one treadmill left. I get on, start my walk, turn the TV to HGTV, and get settled in.

To my right, was this 80 year old woman. Extremely thin – we’re talking gaunt – and absolutely drenched in sweat. She was wearing a gray t-shirt and the entire back was completely soaked through. You know how you can tell on a gray shirt? Well it was waterlogged. She had the maximum incline all the way up and was just power walking like you wouldn’t believe. Nearly doubling my speed.

I was kind of taken aback, if I’m honest. Something just felt…off. You know how you can just feel the energy that someone is giving off? Well, there was a franticness about her.

And, unsettled, I kind of glanced over to her machine out of the corner of my eye, and sure enough, she had been going for 120 minutes. Two hours. 

I tried to lose myself in Chip and Joanna’s shiplap paradise on HGTV, but I just couldn’t escape from the constant pounding attack on the machine next to me.

After my 40 minute walk, this woman was still going. Max incline. Breakneck speed. My heart was heavy, and I needed a conclusion to this situation. So I went over to the mats to stretch. I could still see this elderly woman just absolutely hacking away at the treadmill.

And after coming up with every possible stretch I could remember from elementary school PE, I gave up after 30 minutes, and went home. At least three hours and 10 minutes in, this woman was still going.

Now, I’m not one to judge, maybe she was training for a marathon, but as someone who had a severe addiction to exercise during my anorexia…I feel that I possess a certain authority of spotting “foul play” when I see it.

My heart broke for this woman. And as I’m sitting here typing this, half wondering if I should even be talking about it, I find myself lifting her up in prayer.

Because that woman is hurting.

Not physically, although, I’m sure her muscles are too. But her spirit is hurting. That display at the gym is a symptom of what is going on inside.

Which is why I decided to share this.

Eating disorders can happen to anyone.

I think there’s a stereotype that only rich, white teenage girls develop an eating disorder, but the fact is, it is a mental illness that doesn’t discriminate. ED doesn’t care what gender, religion, race, background, public school/private school. Anyone. And as I witnessed that day, even an 80-year-old woman can have an eating disorder.

I remember at inpatient, there were one or two older women there. I was the youngest in the adult program at 18, and most were in their 20s. But there was one woman in her 40s, another in her 70s.  And I just remember seeing those women, struggling for 20 and 40+ years respectively, in and out of dozens of treatment facilities, I decided right then and there that I needed to get this thing out of my life once and for all. From the roots.

 

That is my plea. That’s why I wrote my book, Bloom. If you or a loved one is exhibiting signs of disordered eating, now is the time to get help. Not tomorrow. Not in a couple months to see if they can “snap out of it.” Now. Because like any addiction, those habits get ingrained so deeply that it becomes harder and harder to break free.

I wanted to talk to that elderly woman at the gym. Hug her sweaty back and tell her that she is enough. That she doesn’t need to strive. That her worth isn’t found at the XX-Minute-Mark on the treadmill. That she can just collapse into Jesus’ arms – the One who saved me from myself, and who will save her too.

May she – and all of us – seek out the Face of the One who wants us to rest in Him. Rest, knowing that we – broken and hurting – have worth and are loved, just as we are.

And next time I see her, Lord, give me the words to open up a conversation to show that I am a friend and someone who could be an ally.

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183 thoughts on “The Truth about Age & Eating Disorders”

  2. Very easy to become addicted to walking, I could literally walk all day, fixed it by setting destinations, like the long way to work or the stables to see to the horses, now I’m just to busy to walk as much not enough hours in the day

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  3. I’m proud how you can openly admit about your worries about being in the gym, 10 years is a fantastic achievement I am so proud of you that my heart just burst with happiness and love ❤️ I love that image of you and mum, her recovery sounds amazing in this short period of time, (but then we know why her recovery been so progressive 😜) I brought myself a little notepad to write peoples names in so I remember to pray for them cos I’m terrible at remember plus unless my heart is really stirred about someone my prayers feel a bit selfish. Would love to add you and your mum onto the list ❤️

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    1. Thank you Benny, I seriously cannot express how much your encouragement mean to me. Espeiallly today 🙂 i needed that. i would be so honored 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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      1. Aww hope you are ok, always here if you need to talk DM me on twitter or messenger me if you need me at anytime ❤️

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  4. I have seen it too at gyms. All kinds of battles with appearance is really obvious … I heard it in the locker room. Some athletic women were actually making comments about my body as I was changing. They said they wished they could be curvy. I was shocked. The slim athletic body is what most of us are going to the gym for! These women all agreed that they wanted opposite. You never know what battles people are fighting.

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  5. I don’t know if this will help, but: “Wow. You’re really amazing. I used to be able to do that, but I can’t any more.”

    “Oh, I think you could if you tried.”

    “Maybe, but I decided that I was happier being loved by Jesus.”

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  6. “Couple that with all the meat heads who are one creatine shake away from popping a bicep” haha. The truth has been spoken.

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  7. very well written and yes so true about age is no barrier i have a friend in her early 8os and she goes on a bout her fat stomach which is bloated but i reckon that is something to do with her eating habits does not eat then eats loads just before bed and her legs and arms very skinny also when very cold dresses very skimply and then wonders why full of cold thanks for pointing this out

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    1. Thank you for sharing that, I’m sorry to hear that about your friend. yeah it doesn’t discriminate! Hugs and love xox

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  8. Yeah exercise can be one of the traps to try and fit something into that God sized hole in our hearts.

    I like the gym…I like exercise and I’ve done it for many years…but it doesn’t bring peace or contement. The body goes through ups and downs even if you have be doing it for years. It’s better to make sure it is a temple of the Holy Spirit first rather than trying to build it into some muscular or beautiful mythological figure.

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  9. Wow I never thought of an eating disorder for anyone over 20 something… I learn a lot from you. But I am glad you are going to the gym. I know its a struggle for you, but I also know you can do it. And getting the heart pumping makes us healthier!

    Had no idea you were a Chip and JoJo fan! We were at the silos and Magnolia store in March. my wife is a huge fan!

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    1. Thanks Tony, glad this was something new for you! Yes! Being healthy is definitely good! And there’s nothing wrong with going to the gym! It’s just when you’re abusing exercise. That’s all 🙂 how awesome about Magnolia! So cool!! Hugs and love xox

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  10. Another great post! How sad is it that we can become slaves to things like food, exercise, and self image. I know because I’ve been there. Though my body has never been hardy enough for extreme exercise, I still had an unbalanced relationship with working out. I pray this woman finds the Lord. Though it’s hard to say for sure, she may have struggled with this her whole life. But our true freedom can only be found in Him! And yay to walking!! Definitely my favorite exercise 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much Emily, I really appreciate your thoughtful response. And thank you for sharing your story. Yes – I will join you in that prayer! Sending big big hugs girlie xox

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  11. I echo what many have said about being able to relate although not suffering from an eating disorder. Because of my chronic health issues I’ve developed a fear of foods and what my bodies response will be. I know my body is in starvation mode because there are times when I literally can not eat for days. The struggle is real! I have to force myself to eat even when I’m not hungry because I’m tired of suffering with my body’s reaction to being hungry. Bloating is a common problem and I never thought of this being a symptom of starvation mode as well. Thank you for your real and raw honesty. It’s helped many and even encourages me to write on my struggle with eating.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you’re going through that. Sending prayers for you 🙂 thanks again for stopping by. Hang in there friend xox

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  12. That is heartbreaking! Even if she was training for a marathon, that amount of time seems like overkill. Hopefully you’ll get to see her again and possibly speak truth into her (and perhaps even others), Thank you for sharing!
    -Alyx

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  13. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervous at age 13 but I knew a 65 year old who likely died of anorexia. She was so thin and a smoker. She died so young, and this was recently. What triggered me into a downwards spiral of self loathing was bullying not only by female students but also my mother. It never really goes away as you age but I have learned to deal with it by learning to love myself more. Blogging is my way of self-expression since I feel like my thoughts are so washed-up on other social media platforms, where they barely even get noticed or nobody cares. I feel like blogging gives me a sense of control, and perhaps elderly people who are struggling to cope could really benefit from blogging too. Just a thought. Exercise can definitely turn into an obsession, and anorexia is known to affect several athletes.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Hilary. I’m sorry this hits so close to home. I’m so glad you’ve found blogging as a healing outlet for you!! Sending so much love to you friend xox

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  15. So brave of you to put yourself near temptation, I really hope you succeed in this new endeavor! A 10 year recovery process is not something to throw away, I know how hard it is since I’ve been struggling to get better from my depression and anxiety also after a little bit more than 10 years, and having previously thought I was cured and free from that, relapsing hard in 2016 was a deep lesson. Cheers!!

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    1. Thank you so much Eduardo. I appreciate your kind words of encouragement. And thank you for sharing your story. big hugs x

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  16. […] Monday’s post last week (about the 80 year old woman at the gym), it was a vulnerable piece for me. I opened up about my past struggles with extreme exercise addiction during my anorexia, and in having concern for that elderly woman, hinted at how far I have actually come since those dark days of pummeling myself up at the gym. […]

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  17. This post really touched me and especially now since I am currently struggling with my own “body issues”. It was a gentle reminder to me to rein in the obsessive impulses, as anyone, at any age, is capable of going over that edge…
    PS: I sooo love this blog! It’s chic, sleek and inspiring!
    Lots of love from London xxx

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m glad this hit home with you. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough patch. Hang in there. You’ve got this, and know that I’m in your corner, cheering for you! Hugs and love xox

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  18. In your post, I am not seeing the controversy. I understand you spotted what you felt was an older woman using exercise as a means to settle something of a conflict within herself. Could be, I’d say, the next time, if you do, see her, see if you can engage her in a conversation. Maybe it’s what is keeping her alive, maybe she has been doing it for so long, she just does it by habit, maybe she runs in a masters program? But your point is relevant and I did not see anything which would want others to send you anything but positive comments, but that is us, right! 🙂

    Did you know, the title of your article: “A Light up the Sky” reminded me of this song almost the same title : “Light the Sky”, here are the Lyrics, thought you’s appreciate them – God Bless You.

    Lyrics
    Stars, they got nothing on us
    I don’t think you understand

    Let’s go out and do something we’d never do
    ‘Cause I feel like I can do anything when
    My head is spinning and my feet off the ground
    When I can’t stop dancing like no one’s around
    And yeah, I think we were born to shine

    ‘Cause the stars are dull when they’re compared to you and I
    And if people don’t like it then they can close their eyes
    ‘Cause we’re not the same and we don’t have to try
    We’re brighter than fireflies, we’re gonna light the sky

    Ooh, oh, oh
    Ooh, oh, oh oh
    Ooh, oh, oh
    Ooh, oh, oh oh

    Light the sky
    You and me, we stand out of the crowd
    ‘Cause we are not afraid to let our light out
    So trust in me and just have no doubt
    ‘Cause we will be tearing through the clouds

    ‘Cause my head is spinning
    And my feet off the ground
    And I can’t stop dancing
    Like no one’s around
    And yeah I think we were born to shine

    ‘Cause the stars are dull when they’re compared to you and I
    And if people don’t like it then they can close their eyes
    ‘Cause we’re not the same and we don’t have to try
    ‘Cause we’re brighter than fireflies, we’re gonna light the sky

    Ooh, oh, oh
    Ooh, oh, oh oh
    Ooh, oh, oh
    Ooh, oh, oh oh
    Light the sky

    You and me, me and you
    We will shine through
    You and me, me and you
    We will shine

    ‘Cause my head is spinning
    And my feet off the ground
    And I can’t stop dancing
    Like no one’s around
    And yeah I think we were born to shine

    ‘Cause the stars are dull when they’re compared to you and I
    And if people don’t like it then they can close their eyes
    ‘Cause we’re not the same and we don’t have to try
    ‘Cause we’re brighter than fireflies, we’re gonna light the sky

    Ooh, oh, oh
    Ooh, oh, oh oh
    Ooh, oh, oh
    Ooh, oh, oh oh
    Light the sky

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    1. Thank you friend. Yeah I was confused at the outrage too. Thanks for sharing those lyrics. So beautiful. Hugs and love xox

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  19. This post touched me, as my mom had anorexia in her late 40s/early 50s. At the time, I was a teenager and thought it was strange that my mom had an eating disorder. It was hard for me to understand because I thought that just happened to girls my age. Now I know that any mental disorder can affect ANYONE at ANY AGE. Doesn’t matter if you’re a boy, girl, rich, poor, ethnicity, etc… it can affect anyone. I hope you get a chance to see that woman again and maybe start a conversation. Hugs! Jenny

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  20. People have an issue with you writing this? *Confused.

    I see why you shared, and honestly, I think it’s good you shared. You weren’t accusing the woman, but I can’t blame you, the signs are there. The fact she is able to go so strong shows that this woman knows what she is doing. With your own experience, like you shared, you know what concerns to look for.

    I really hope you have the opportunity to speak to her and get to know her. ❤ ❤ I'd love to hear about how the conversation would go, cause I'm curious and nosey if I'm honest, not my best trait. But honestly, it doesn't matter if you wrote that post or not. What matters is if you are able to connect, and help this woman, if anything, at least know someone cars. That's what really matters 🙂

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    1. Thanks TR, I appreciate your kind feedback on this. Yeah Same here – I haven’t seen her since but when I do, I’m going to try to open up a convo with her:) Hugs and love xox

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  21. I’m sorry you’ve caught flack for this–you rrally, really shouldn’t have. I love the heart and the truth you speak in this post. I wish more people would be open and honest about the hurt they see around them, like you are. Please, please keep it up.

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  23. I understand this. I have a habit of exercising to much when I do go, and my job is also physical. I get a free gym membership through my work and I actually had to stop going for a long time because I found I would just keep going, even though I am constantly going at work.

    I have always struggled with the idea of having a eating disorder/disordered eating. I know I am small, I have no distortion of that. But I have no ability to recognize when I am or not hungry and will not eat until I am super light headed, dizzy or feel faint. That is due to not paying attention to myself, which is linked to my past. So it is hard to think of it as an eating issue, when I know in reality it is.

    I was one or am one of the few dancers I know that does not constantly worry about my weight or think about it, I don’t own a full length mirror but I don’t look in mirrors. Not because of weight but because I just don’t like them.

    Having a membership is hard when you have used it as an addiction in the past. I understand where you come from with that.

    Happy recovery.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m glad this resonated with you. Yeah everyone’s relationship with food is always so personal. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

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  26. Thanks for sharing! I was one of those who suffered for 20+ years, but the line ended there, praise God. I still have a heavy heart for all the hurting people who suffer with eating disorders. I have been completely healed, as in no ED thoughts at all, since 2012. However, my one personal thing I still stick to as a safeguard is not having a scale in my home. Glad you are healed and I’m looking forward to seeing more blogs!

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story Callie. Praise God indeed. I’m so glad that you are healed! I am cheering for you!! Same here. I still only do blind weigh ins at the doctor. I’m done with numbers forever!! Thanks again for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  29. Hey hun! I totally understand how exercise becomes something we do as a compulsion. Something that forces us to run miles upon miles daily and as much as we hate pounding away excessively it feels like a burning need. I recently quit exercise in my journey through ED recovery since I’ve gone from running to walking to lifting without any break. And each one had become its own compulsion- past the point of employment. It’s so twisted that the ED will latch onto ANYTHING.

    When I was still active at the gym, I would see skin and bones girls working away at the treadmill in jackets and sweaters. It breaks my heart because you can just tell even if no one else gives them a second thought. What do you do in those situations? Do you go up and talk to them? Do you push forward with your day? It doesn’t matter the age or the individual- eating disorders can happen to anyone and it’s all the more reason to choose recovery. I too have gone to treatment and seeing someone who has been struggling all their life into their 40s, 50s, etc. both depresses me about 1) the reality of EDs and 2) motivates me to keep trying

    Love this post and will be keeping up on your blog more – best, Carly xx

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    1. Thanks Carly for this thoughtful response. I know, it’s so hard to know what to do in those situations. I do think that – as hard and potentially awkward as it is – I think there may be a graceful way to approach the girl. Because a lot of times they are crying for help. And people don’t ever know how to address it. Oh it’s tough. Thanks for sharing your heart and your story. Cheering for you in your recovery!! Sending big big hugs to you xox

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