New week, new city!
I’m back in Ohio this week. I had a callback for a film this morning. The casting director, writers and producers flew in from LA, so fingers crossed on the project!
I’m not going to front: last week, I was in a very strange head space.
I found myself, almost resenting this blog.
Monday’s post last week (about the 80 year old woman at the gym), it was a vulnerable piece for me. I opened up about my past struggles with extreme exercise addiction during my anorexia, and in having concern for that elderly woman, hinted at how far I have actually come since those dark days of pummeling myself at the gym.
Let’s just say, I had no idea the type of response it would get. And I got a couple Direct Messages on Instagram that really just put me over the edge.
I felt like, all of a sudden, I became this slimy snake that no one trusted anymore. My recovery was called into question, and my autenticity doubted.
I felt judged. And falsely accused. And frankly, just hurt.
And sure, maybe I’m a little sensitive, since, yeah the topic matter hit so close to home, but at the end of the day, I was just really angry.
Fuming, in fact.
For the first few days after that, I was in a really dark mindset. Like, here I’ve poured out my life to help others, and now I felt like people were slapping scarlet letters on my chest, about something they have entirely no idea about. None.
I was pissed.
Because truly, the depth of how bleak and destructive that part of my anorexia — the addiction to exercise was — no one knew. And I haven’t even gotten into specifics about it on here because it would surely trigger anyone suffering, because as with all eating disorders, competition is definitely a factor, and so to hear specifics, leads one to only feel the need to “one up” it. Which is precisely why I don’t post “before” photos.
But whatever. I just had to step away from the blog for a few days. Because frankly, coming back and being reminded was just putting me over the edge.
Friday night, my best friend invited me out. There was a big group of us hanging out on this gorgeous rooftop in the Financial District. It was overlooking both the Hudson River and the Freedom Tower. It was absolutely breathtaking, and I’m positively kicking myself that I didn’t take any photos, other than this grainy one…
But imagine being surrounded by all these skyscrapers, all lit up with their grid-pattern windows, glowing yellow. It was 80 degrees, warm breeze. Rosè was flowing. And 2000s-era Britney Spears may have been blasting.
I stepped away for a minute, and found a quiet(er) area of the rooftop, and I just had one of those clarity moments.
The comments were still pinging in on my phone, reminding my of why I was upset in the first place, and I just felt the Holy Spirit start to work on my heart.
I looked up at all of those brightly shining windows, and I realized that that’s what Jesus is calling us to be: a light. We’re supposed to use our lives, and our time on this earth to be a beacon of hope for others, sharing His love with the world. And you know what, my deliverance from that darkn place, that is a window of light. Yeah, I went through some horrible crap, but I have been set free from those bonds, and I now have the opportunity to share that journey with others.
Who knows what could have happened had there been someone out there that I could have turned to when I was in my disease. How the trajectory of my willingness to recover would have been changed, had I seen someone out there who had gone through what I was going through, and came out the other side, not just surviving, but thriving?
I felt so alone. So dirty. So hopeless — holding all the suffering in, never letting anyone into those broken places in my mind.
What could have happened had there been a resource available?
Please, don’t read this as a “tooting my own horn” moment. I don’t have a “savior complex” or anything. But I do believe in the power hope. And that is what I long to offer here – be it for an eating disorder, an addiction, a shopping impulse, or just the happenings of life.
Our lives can be bright, shining lights.
And what an incredible blessing that I have been able to share my story with others. God is so generous. And if every now and then I receive some not-so-lovely feedback, then so be it. The mission is greater than my feelings.
I gained a lot more than just the beginnings of a hangover, that night on the rooftop. I finally saw my microscopic life in the grand scheme of things.
Because one window, shining in a building is wonderful. It can be a ray of hope. It can warn ships of the shoreline, or airplanes of the height of a skyscraper.
But together – with thousands of other illuminated windows, we can literally light up the entire night sky. We can make Lower Manhattan glow.
Never forget that. Our lives, and His love that we share — it matters. It really does.
Quick sponsor shoutout…Did you see my FabFitFun unboxing video!? I am *loving* the spring box! It was valued at over $354.99! It’s a quarterly box of beauty, fashion, home and fitness products for only 39.99? YES. PLEASE. You can get $10 off when you use my code BLOOM10 at check out too 🙂
***THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS ORDERED MY BOOKS, BLOOM: A JOURNAL BY BEAUTYBEYONDBONES AND “MY BLOGGING TIPS“***
@beauty.beyond.bones – Instagram
Next time you’re shopping on Amazon, be sure to stop by my link, amazon.com/shop/beautybeyondbones first! Doing so is absolutely FREE for you, and a great way to support this blog! (When you stop by my link first, whatever you get on Amazon will give this blog a little kickback :))
My favorite item someone purchased last week was a Three-Toed Sloth Stuffed Animal! So if that was you…THANK YOU! 🙂
For Podcast versions of my posts, please check out Patreon! You make this blog possible 🙂
***NEW!! For outfit details, you can check out my LIKE.TO.KNOW.IT page or follow me in the Liketoknow.it App!