Light up the Sky

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

New week, new city!

I’m back in Ohio this week. I had a callback for a film this morning. The casting director, writers and producers flew in from LA, so fingers crossed on the project!

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I’m not going to front: last week, I was in a very strange head space.

I found myself, almost resenting this blog.

Monday’s post last week (about the 80 year old woman at the gym), it was a vulnerable piece for me. I opened up about my past struggles with extreme exercise addiction during my anorexia, and in having concern for that elderly woman, hinted at how far I have actually come since those dark days of pummeling myself at the gym.

Let’s just say, I had no idea the type of response it would get. And I got a couple Direct Messages on Instagram that really just put me over the edge.

I felt like, all of a sudden, I became this slimy snake that no one trusted anymore. My recovery was called into question, and my autenticity doubted.

I felt judged. And falsely accused. And frankly, just hurt.

And sure, maybe I’m a little sensitive, since, yeah the topic matter hit so close to home, but at the end of the day, I was just really angry.

Fuming, in fact.

For the first few days after that, I was in a really dark mindset. Like, here I’ve poured out my life to help others, and now I felt like people were slapping scarlet letters on my chest, about something they have entirely no idea about. None.

I was pissed.

Because truly, the depth of how bleak and destructive that part of my anorexia — the addiction to exercise was — no one knew. And I haven’t even gotten into specifics about it on here because it would surely trigger anyone suffering, because as with all eating disorders, competition is definitely a factor, and so to hear specifics, leads one to only feel the need to “one up” it. Which is precisely why I don’t post “before” photos.

But whatever. I just had to step away from the blog for a few days. Because frankly, coming back and being reminded was just putting me over the edge.

Friday night, my best friend invited me out. There was a big group of us hanging out on this gorgeous rooftop in the Financial District. It was overlooking both the Hudson River and the Freedom Tower. It was absolutely breathtaking, and I’m positively kicking myself that I didn’t take any photos, other than this grainy one…

But imagine being surrounded by all these skyscrapers, all lit up with their grid-pattern windows, glowing yellow. It was 80 degrees, warm breeze. Rosè was flowing. And 2000s-era Britney Spears may have been blasting.

I stepped away for a minute, and found a quiet(er) area of the rooftop, and I just had one of those clarity moments.

The comments were still pinging in on my phone, reminding my of why I was upset in the first place, and I just felt the Holy Spirit start to work on my heart.

I looked up at all of those brightly shining windows, and I realized that that’s what Jesus is calling us to be: a light. We’re supposed to use our lives, and our time on this earth to be a beacon of hope for others, sharing His love with the world. And you know what, my deliverance from that darkn place, that is a window of light. Yeah, I went through some horrible crap, but I have been set free from those bonds, and I now have the opportunity to share that journey with others.

Who knows what could have happened had there been someone out there that I could have turned to when I was in my disease. How the trajectory of my willingness to recover would have been changed, had I seen someone out there who had gone through what I was going through, and came out the other side, not just surviving, but thriving?

I felt so alone. So dirty. So hopeless — holding all the suffering in, never letting anyone into those broken places in my mind.

What could have happened had there been a resource available?

Please, don’t read this as a “tooting my own horn” moment. I don’t have a “savior complex” or anything. But I do believe in the power hope. And that is what I long to offer here – be it for an eating disorder, an addiction, a shopping impulse, or just the happenings of life.

Our lives can be bright, shining lights.

And what an incredible blessing that I have been able to share my story with others. God is so generous. And if every now and then I receive some not-so-lovely feedback, then so be it. The mission is greater than my feelings.

I gained a lot more than just the beginnings of a hangover, that night on the rooftop. I finally saw my microscopic life in the grand scheme of things.

Because one window, shining in a building is wonderful. It can be a ray of hope. It can warn ships of the shoreline, or airplanes of the height of a skyscraper.

But together – with thousands of other illuminated windows, we can literally light up the entire night sky. We can make Lower Manhattan glow.

Never forget that. Our lives, and His love that we share — it matters. It really does.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

222 thoughts on “Light up the Sky”

  1. First off, I like your torn jeans. In my time, we had two methods of achieving this result.
    – One, we would take a cheap blade (the kind that Gillette knocked off the market) and cut our jeans
    – Two, since we had no money, we would wear our jeans till they frayed. I still do this!

    Now, on a more serious note – its yours to give off yourself, and this is what you have been doing. It takes courage. It is not your responsibility for how people understand your message.

    I don’t know if you are familiar with Carlos Castaneda, but we read his books when we were in college. Don Juan, his Indian mentor and ‘sorcerer’/’medicine man’ would share his secrets with Carlos, who would write about them. When Carlos worried that Don Juan’s secrets were being shared with the world, Don Juan said (and this is my version of what he said), ‘Chill, man. It’s mine to share. Very few will understand, and that is okay. For those who do, I wish them well on their journey. For those who wish to troll me in their ignorance, I wish them well as well’

    So, keep smiling

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    1. Thank you so much Rajiv, i really appreciate your kindness. Interesting – I’m not familiar with him but I’ll add him to my list! Hugs and love xox

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  2. Hearing you tell of people making horrible remarks reminds me of the part of the Bible where it says those who follow Him will be persecuted. It sucks that there are so many lost out there, and it sucks that their remarks can have so much power. I take everything personally, so I see where your anger came in. But good for you for standing your ground. Good for you for knowing and realizing that the only one we are to please is Christ. I remind myself all the time that their opinion doesn’t count when said and done. (I still struggle) But your passion to write about your experience is going to be someone else’s ray of hope. God Bless!

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  3. We are all on our own road to Emmaus. We are all invited to pick up our cross and follow Christ. He walks with us regardless we are aware or not. Our minds and hearts will be illuminated by His Advocate- the Holy Spirit if we allow it. Some of us who have journeyed long and far will have experienced more than those who have yet to begin their journey. So whatever was thrown at you, accept these as they happen along your own journey with Christ. Judge not, rejoice that others ‘speak calumny against you’….etc etc 🙂

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  5. People are mean, hateful, judge mental and ignorant. There is just no avoiding this fact. My grandpa always said consider the source. For all these lost souls there may indeed be one person you touch and that makes it worth it. After all Jesus pursues the one and if I were the only one he would have taken the cross for me! May the mean people disappear from your social media life! Peace!

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  6. You’re not responsible for how people feel. You’re not responsible for how they react.

    Most people are going through life looking to be offended and outraged and hurt and “triggered” and victimised because they LIKE to feel that way. They won’t ever admit to themselves or any one else, but they’re addicted to the feelings they get when they’re on the receiving edge of the spear.

    There’s a reason it’s called “taking offense” — those people have to actively put themselves into an offended state, though for most of them it’s muscle memory by now. Those voices offer nothing of value.

    Keep doing what you’re doing — you’ll likely never hear from all the people in which whose lives you’re making a difference.

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  7. Delightful post. Reminded me of a similar situation I just went through this past weekend at my friends wedding. A few reminders of some old, hurtful situations, but the company of a good time and seeing my best friend get married outweighed the negativity. It was a great reminder of what to focus on and I’ll share with you what the Priest at the church said during the ceremony.

    “I was visiting the coast of Maine recently and I thought of something. At first, I listened to the sound of the ocean waves crashing against the rocky coast line, but then I turned my focus towards the rocks themselves. I picked up one of the rocks. It was smooth. Usually rocks are rough around the edges but the waves had rubbed them together so much they became smooth… And life is like the ocean waves sometimes. We may be rough around the edges, as we all have flaws in our character, but the ups and downs, struggles, and hardships of life will rub away those rough edges and smooth us out with time.”

    This reminded me that we all can grow and evolve into the people we want to be, and that out value does not decrease with out mistake, set-backs, and struggles.

    Good luck with the casting call.

    Clinton
    IamClintFit

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    1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. you’re right – we are all capable of evolving. Amen to that. thanks for sharing this great insight. Hugs and love xox

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  8. I meant to comment on your other post, but….life:) I am sorry to hear you received some hurtful comments. But that’s what evil likes to do, isn’t it? Make us question the good we are trying to do. Keep on speaking your experience. For every one person who hates on it, I would be willing to bet there are a bunch more who are touched and profit from it. I really like your image of the single light shining in the darkness. All it takes is that one light to start another, and then another, and then another! Keep up the good work and God Bless!

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  10. You embody grace, and agape love, Caralyn. I’m sorry that you received negative comments, but you handled this whole situation with grace, peace, and forgiveness. That is the best response to negativity, hands down. Keep shining. You are such a bright light to me, and to so many others. You’ve touched my life in more ways than I can say. Thank you!

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    1. Oh Laura Beth, thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. It seriously means the world. You are a blessing to me! big big hugs xo

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  11. A-to-the-MEN!!!! Thank you for keeping your light shining. Your heart is open, and you are sharing your truth in a way many others cannot. I’m learning that people are threatened by that ability, which is too bad. I’m sure that you, like me, wish that we could all find and share our truths…what a wonderful world it would be. God bless you on your continued journey. 🏖

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  12. My blog is also about recovery, but in a different way. I want to shout to you that you are so brave. Don’t listen to the naysayers. Your story is powerful. I exercised obsessively and had a similar experience, but I was on the other side. I wanted to be that woman and she talked about how blessed she was and I wanted to be like her. Now, I am appalled by those thoughts. I have begun to spiral down again and your words and spirit of redemption give me hope. Keep blogging. You are amazing.

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    1. Thank you so much Darlene. I’m so touched by your kindness. Hope is a powerful thing 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  13. Honest, open, vulnerable, and accountable. If we all could be more like that, how much more could we learn and how much quicker could we heal? Thank you for being such an open book (with a better than average cover – ha!).

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  14. Keep on bloggin’ and telling your story. Christians are attacked because they are a threat to the devil, the world, and the sinful human nature. Attacks mean you are being effective!

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  15. Keep sharing and keep being a light to the world! I have been crushed under the “Little Fat Girl/Big Fat Girl” image all my life and I still struggle every day to maintain my sense of self as a precious child of God. You make a difference; continue giving courage to others with eating disorders.

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    1. Oh gosh, thank you so much for your kindness. It seriously means the world. Big big hugs to you, friend! xoxo

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  18. Oh my !!! I didn’t read the article I didn’t see it in my blog feed….but I would never judge you and what I know of you I know you where helping and just explaining about your recovery .. I’m so sorry people are just horrible well some and no one has a right to judge someone so sorry they hurt you. Hugs girl rise above and do not let anyone break your spirit. ❤️

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  19. I just read Monday’s post. You won’t find me at a gym or doing anything that would qualify as exercise, but as usual what you wrote spoke to me. Thanks for it and for today’s. God bless you, Caralyn.

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  20. I’m sorry about negative feedback. I thought the post about exercise was wonderful! Don’t let the meanies get you down. There are so many people that the post will help. You are a ray of light in the world!

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  21. Hey I actually messaged you this on Instagram but I think people need to know your sincerity and compassion.
    I recently bought your e-book, I really did this because how you really helped me the last two years. I wanted to write so often, but battling depression really suffocated me. I would read your post and your writings really comforted me, they made me laugh and sometimes cry. Your words encouraged me to not give in. You never wrote a post questioning the faith of someone struggling through the emotional roller coaster of life. You shined Jesus. I love you for this. God in His mercy has moved me closer to healing, I am back writing. I have seen how God has transformed you in the last two years. You are sincere and genuine. Don’t pay attention to divisive comments. God loves you, so walk in His light. Live for Him and not for the praise of others.
    By the way my newest post might interest you and add perspective to this. https://proofofyourfaith.blog/2018/04/16/destroying-the-message-of-guilt-and-shame/
    God bless,
    Stephan

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    1. Oh my gosh Stephan, thank you so much for this incredible response. I am seriously so touched by your kind words. God is so good, and I’m so glad you’re back to writing! And thank you for getting my ebook! So glad you enjoyed it 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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    1. amen amen amen, Tammy! You’re so right – I need to pray for them – I had forgotten about that, but that’s what Jesus instructed us!!!!! thanks for reminding me that awesome and healing perspective 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  23. Just remember when you are leading out front you tend to get kicked in the behind. It’s the price for leading. If you only rescue one person from self-destruction it will be worth it. Keep up the good work!

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  24. 1 Peter 2:9
    9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light:

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  27. You are an amazing inspiration to many out there needing the hope you give them. Something I’ve learned in what I do is when we receive “hate mail” or comments… we have hit a nerve…and I pray for that persons healing! Keep being that amazing light….the amazing intentional disciple God has called you to be….because you are making amazing ripples of change out there by boldly sharing your story! You are always on my prayers….and I love reading what you have to share!!!

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    1. Thank you so much Kelly, gosh what a kind thing to say. I appreciate your prayers and support so much. God is good! Hugs and love xox

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  28. I didn’t read all of the comments, just skimmed them. What I noticed was that the ones I read were positive. So I just want to remind you (with compassion) of something else you might suffer from – focusing on the negative and being hard on yourself. I know negativity can feel like a punch in the gut, but I want to be another voice telling you that you speak to a lot of people, and you are great at what you do. Thank you.

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    1. Thank you so much for this great reflection. Thats definitely something to think about and keep in mind in the future. Thanks for that!! Hugs and love xox

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  29. Caralyn-I don’t know how much my saying this will be of comfort to you, but it’s worth remembering that you have someone, in Jesus, who can relate to your current situation. We have a savior who was falsely accused himself and was put on a cross because of those false accusations. You are not alone in this walk, because you have a Lord who is happy to walk with you and a Lord who has walked through the pain of false accusations for our own sakes.

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    1. Thank you so much Brendan. I really appreciate this awesome reminder. Amen – Jesus already went through it! Hugs and love xox

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  30. I think this is the era where many people want to pounce on every word that is said or written which they perceive as something offensive to themselves or someone else, not taking into account the communicator’s honest intentions. I think we are seeing it happen everyday in the media. Goodness gracious! I rarely share my opinions on social media because of that. Caralyn, I’m glad God was able to help you put this to rest in Him and embrace this blog once again. I enjoy reading it. You are doing great! ❤

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  31. Wow!!! Amazing! And you’re right, God is amazing. Thank you for your openness and honesty. Sometimes it’s good to show ya scars, it allows other people to have hope in healing theirs! 😘😘

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  32. A wonderful post – a reminder that ill-spoken/ill-written words, negative or indifferent ones, should be taken with a grain of salt. I love how you summed it up so eloquently: “And what an incredible blessing that I have been able to share my story with others. God is so generous. And if every now and then I receive some not-so-lovely feedback, then so be it. The mission is greater than my feelings.” Hear, hear. And amen. 🙂

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  33. TALL. That is what I remember about Manhattan buildings. No telling if it is cloudy or sunny til I look straight up. You’re a scary person, you know that, right? Not intimidating, but, definitely, scary. Your God, sometimes, I wonder if he/she/it/whatever is or may be as scary as you. I don’t see the sense in believing in a God, anymore, but I definitely do understand scary. That’s when I shy away.

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  34. Oh that made me feel so sad! Your message was clear. Where was that resource when you so desperately needed it, Where was I when someone in my circle of influence needed a leg up in life. Someone to shelter them from the dark cloud hanging over them. How do I know who that person is that needs help? There is so much pain in this world and we need that Holy Spirit you talked about as only He knows who that needy soul is. More than that though we need to develop a compassionate spirit that is the hallmark of heaven and will enable our entry into that promised heaven someday soon. There is no pain there, everyone is equal, everyone is loved and supported there. It will be nice to get to know you up there.:)

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    1. Thank you so much Ian got your kind words and support. You’re so right – we need the Holy Spirit so so much! Hugs and love xox

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  35. Actually, I see nothing wrong with that post and hey always look at the bright side. Lol. So, I’m joining the throng to tell you “Go Care go!”. Your articles have always been helpful. Remember the most successful garners the most critical views..

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  37. OK now I am pissed. You know you and I have radically different beliefs in life and religion. But with that, we like each other, respect each other and are nice to each other. I found you post on the 80 year old informative, and full of love and caring for her from you.

    There are jerks and assholes (forgive me) out there who want to make kind people sad. You have a huge heart, which is good, but its easy to hurt ant they do. Head up woman, you love all and are amazing, try to ignore the jerks of the world!

    HEY good luck in the film!!!!!!

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    1. Thank you so much Tony for your support. Thank really means a lot. You’re right- just gotta ignore it. Thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  38. I empathise with you Caralyn, let go of the naysayers, they are the enemy’s work. Because you are opening your spirit to others- a spirit of truth and goodness, the enemy will try to derail, confuse and devour anyone who iis weak. Stand tall Caralyn and tell the enemy that you are a child of the most high God and in the name of Jesus Christ, the enemy has no power over you. (Psalm 68:1 “LET GOD ARISE AND THE ENEMY SCATTER”).

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  39. Hey there! Please don’t let the odd naysayer get to you. I mean, lower Manhattan maybe, but you also shine a light for people reading (like me) in different parts of the world. You are inspiring and brave and I’m happy for your ‘light’. Keep shining. I count on it 🙂

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  40. Hey, Sis! 🙂 First, congrats on your callback for any filming projects. Praying that it all works out because I know that God has it already covered and preparing it for you, unless you are already filming by now due to my late response.

    Secondly, do not think of anything (or anyone) that tends to break you down for whatever reason. The ‘truth’ of the matter is that everyone has a difference of opinions when comes to approaching any topic; me dealing with my MS for example. Yes, my mother and I have MS, but we do have our own different experiences as well as the other people we meet that may dealing with the same auto-immune disease as well. To simply put it, we all have different approaches, views, and thoughts when it comes to one subject. So, don’t ever feel bad or believe that you were wrong to say, do, or share your thoughts with us in the world. You’ve done nothing wrong, especially when it comes to sharing ‘your own’ life testimonies and the ways of Light God has shown and blessed you to see and receive in your life. I love it!

    Speaking of light, yes, you have taken beautiful images and you had a chance to hang out with your friends. So, in a way, you are sharing your life with them by having fun and being yourself. If anything, remember that God is always loving you, supporting you, and is continuously there to help uplift you.

    Stay strong! 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I really appreciate you sharing your story. Know that you and your mom are in my prayers. Your strength is inspiring. Thanks for being such a beautiful breath of fresh air! Hugs and love xox

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      1. Thank you so much, Sis’, for your prayers… and thank you for your kind words as well! Together, we’re more powerful than the enemy could ever attempt his attacks on us. Stay Strong! 🙂 Sending back many hugs and much love to you as well. xoxo

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