Crying At Yoga

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

So one of my absolute best friends is a yoga teacher. And one of the perks – in addition to being the “Teacher’s Pet” – is that I get to take her classes in the city and cheer her on!

It’s so fun. I always love watching someone shine in their element. It’s a little glimpse of Heaven, if you ask me.

And one of the things she does, is that she has you set an intention to think about during the class — A little something to think about during the deep breathing and focus. And so I always use that time to meditate on Jesus, and pray.

And well, for whatever reason, this week, I decided that during the class, I would pray for my future husband, whomever he may be.

You see, I don’t know what it is, but in the last three weeks or so, I have just been absolutely overcome with emotion and feelings about my future spouse. I just feel this overwhelming tidal wave of “Now is the time!” 

For the first time, I think ever, I feel like my life is in a really good rhythm. Mind, body, and spirit. And honestly, it doesn’t surprise me that this feeling of wholeness coincides with the beginning of my new podcast, Oh What a Beautiful Morning! And this really is not meant to be a plug. It just is incredible how starting the day – even for just literally 5 minutes – and reading and reflecting on the Bible (which is what we do on the pod) — how it has completely changed my life for the better.

My life feels completely at peace. Except for one gaping hole that has been tearing at my heart with extra fervor here recently, and that is the place in my life for my future husband.

But anyways, back to yoga. It was your normal class – run expertly by my bestie, if I might add 🙂 And at the very end, where we close our eyes and are quiet for 5-7 minutes and just breathe, I began to cry.

Yes, friends. I was that girl – weeping in the middle of a packed yoga class. Talk about embarrassing! Mascara running. Flushed cheeks. I was the definition of a literal hot, sweaty mess.

But I was just overcome with just this desire to let someone into my life. I am ready. I am ready to let someone in.

And afterwards, talking with my friend, a little embarrassed that, here I was her guest, and I…well…brought the waterworks…she gave me some of the most beautiful words of encouragement.

This blog has truly been a journey. It’s hard to believe that it’s been going for over three years now. And what a ride it’s been.

But truly, the absolute hardest, most difficult aspect of my recovery has been to let someone in. To open up my heart and my life to another person.

Feeling undeserving of love, ashamed to let anyone too close, I have stiff-armed my way into a situation that frankly, I am dreadfully tired of.

I am tired of being alone. 

There. I said it.

My life is full of love from so many different places: my friends, my family, this very blog family. And I have so much love in my life.

But I want to share my life with someone. And I think I am finally, finally ready to open my heart to that possibility.

I think we get to the point in life, where we reach our limit, where we get too tired, of being sick and tired. Or in my case, tired of the walls – or fortress – I’ve built around my heart.

And I know I’ve talked about dating apps in the past. And how the swiping phenomena has killed romance. (Which I still stand by.)

But this time, I’m going to be going about this differently.

I’m giving it to God.

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The transformation I’ve had this past month, that has come about from giving my free time to God, and truly committing to making Him a priority every single day, has given me the perspective to see love differently.

I’ve placing my love life in God’s hands. I’m going to follow where He leads. Be open to whomever He puts in my path. And stop working myself up into a verklempt mess that cries at a yoga class.

I’m going to trust Him.

I’m going to listen to Him.

I’m going to welcome His promptings, and seek His guidance, even if it’s not always what I would typically do.

“Keep working on yourself, Caralyn. You deserve love.” My friend is able to speak to my soul in ways that only a friend of twenty-something years can.

I feel a bit as though I’m in a freefall. Like I’m out of control in the best way possible. But I think it’s because I’m on the cusp of an entirely new chapter in my life.

 

One last thing: I was on the phone with my mom, talking with her about this very topic, earlier this week. And you know, that woman is always the anchor to my ship, caught in a storm. We were talking about my spirit’s weariness of singleness, and for the first time I admitted out loud, “It’s because I don’t let people in.”

And she just softly said, “I know.”

That’s the thing. So often we’re the last to the party. Everyone else can see it, but in order for us to come to understand, we have to go through the process. Do the work – just like my best friend encouraged me with.

And it turns out that doing the work, meant actually humbling seeking Jesus, and giving Him that which we are desperately holding onto.

So anyways, that’s where I’m at for now.

I’m open. I’m ready. And I welcome Jesus’ plan to come to fruition in my life!

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

270 thoughts on “Crying At Yoga”

  2. I’m tired of being alone sometimes as well, but some of us were never meant for marriage. I sincerely hope your prayers come true, very soon! God bless. 💕😌

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    1. Thank you John. My heart is with you, my friend. God has beautiful and individually tailored plans for each and every one of us 🙂 big big hugs xo

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  4. I’m glad you realize that you have to be open in order for something to happen! I’ve watching The Secret on Amazon Prime and it goes right along with what you said, declare it, want it and it’s going to happen. And of course, trust in God and He will show you the way. It’s all part of your journey, you weren’t ready until now. Don’t settle for anything but the best! xo

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  5. Caralyn, I know Jesus will lead you. Just let Him.

    I was not married until I was 33. . . several lonely times, yes. But put your relationship with God first. -Jeff

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    1. Thank you so much Jeff, I appreciate you sharing your story. That’s great advice – God first! Hugs and love xox

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  6. i am super tired of being alone too! ALL MY LIFE and yeah i have had eating disorders too.

    PLEASE DO NOT DO YOGA ANYMORE. “SETTING AN INTENTION” is WITCHCRAFT and even if you are thinking about Jesus doing it, or during it, YOGA STILL is DEMON WORSHIP. PLEASE DO NOT DO IT ANYMORE!!! 😦

    and i hope you find him.
    i hope i find her too.

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      1. It was a pretty ambiguous question. I suppose what I am asking is there a point in your desire to be married where you give up your website, podcast or, in essence, those things you have worked on up until now?

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  8. Affairs of the heart are mystical, wonderful things. Mr. Right will come, but likely when you least expect it. Be patient. Trust in God, be comfortable and confident in that trust, and all will be well. Blessings and peace and love– Mike

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  10. Minus the yoga, I feel like this could have been written by me. The overwhelming feeling of it’s time, the tiredness of being alone – the difficulty le​ttin​g people in. I keep thinking I’m ready but then bolting and I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t met HIM yet or if I’m still dealing with how to fit a husband into my reality. This was really good to read though. Thanks for posting it.

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    1. aw thank you so much for sharing your heart. I’m so glad it resonated with you. hang in there friend 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  11. God is preparing someone for you, and you for your someone. It will happen out of the blue, at least that’s what happened to me. I wasn’t looking, I just let it go. My husband and I have been married for 32 years after whirlwind courtship.We knew each other 9 months when we married. I thought it was crazy, but crazy means God is at work.He thinks much differently than we do. xoxo

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    1. thank you so much for sharing your beautiful love story! When you know you know! 🙂 and congrats on 32 years! so beautiful 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  12. “And well, for whatever reason, this week, I decided that during the class, I would pray for my future husband, whomever he may be.”

    This is the second time I have heard someone speak about praying for the people in our future! And also – the feeling that the time is NOW for THE relationship is mirrored in pagan and new age circles as well. From what I understand, and what many believe, many are able to meet with their Twin Flames in this incarnation.

    Entire blog post is awesome.

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      1. The woman I was talking to is Christian also and she had received the guidance to pray for her son’s future wife. Which I had never thought of doing. But which is genius.

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      3. She was very inspiring to talk to. Some people just blab bible verses with no real belief behind what they are saying – she was truly filled with the Spirit. Just a joy to talk to and pray with someone of her spiritual caliber.

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      1. I either do books on tape or guided meditations to fall asleep to. Addicted to Frank Baum’s Oz stories at moment and they’re all free on youtube.

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  14. Keep the Faith! It took a long time, but one day, visiting a friend hundreds of miles from where I lived, I visited with her a foreign language bookstore where I had ordered books in German for years. Working at the cash register was my future husband. We have been together 16 years! You never know when and where, but just trust it will happen.

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    1. Oh my gosh what a fun love story! thank you so much for sharing it with me. gives me great hope. and congrats on 16 years!!! so beautiful!!! Hugs and love xox

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  15. I know that tired feeling. I remember crying on NYE and praying to God that I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I felt that it was time. I was dating here and there, but I wanted to be with someone special. That night I met my future husband. We now have a little girl. God knows our heart’s desires. He’s got your back.

    My advice, not that you’re asking, is to lighten up. Please try and stop seeing marriage as the end goal. Relax a little. Let go and trust God. I know that’s easy to say from someone already married. 😆

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    1. Oh my gosh what a beautiful love story! thank you so much for sharing that with me. and thanks for the great advice!!! Hugs and love xox

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  17. I’m glad to see this change in your attitude toward yourself. I and so many others have told you directly and indirectly that you are a good person, worthy of a place in the community, worthy of people’s love , that we all love you!

    Like my daughter who needed help with depression, it didn’t happen until she was hurting enough to know she needed the help. Not knowing it through us, but knowing it in her own heart. Self is the hardest thing to see!

    Crying – do you understand what tears are? They are literally a chemical “flushing” of your brain. When emotions create too much of a chemical imbalance in your brain, tears are what flush out the imbalance. It’s known that the chemical composition of tears changes with the reason they come.

    Sound to analytical? Well, I think it’s beautiful. I understand now how well God designed us that we have an automatic system to help with emotional control. Sometimes we don’t perceive our own emotional condition until the waterworks start! We don’t appreciate the seriousness. Your tears were God’s designed system telling you what you were consciously denying; an emotional imbalance. Tears = short term solution. Long term solution? Fix the actual problem.

    Which is what you are now doing by starting to deconstruct the walls around your heart. STARTING TO. You’ve made the decision, but they won’t fall easily. Your behaviors have been in place a long time. Give yourself some slack if your resolve wavers or your actions don’t immediately agree with your resolve.

    You are a strong, intelligent, and loving. I have no doubt your recovery will continue successfully with this next step!

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    1. Hi Jeff – gosh your posts always give me so much great “stuff” to think about. Chemical flushing – what a powerful thought. you’re right – truly beautiful. Yes! starting to – long process, gotta be patient and diligent. thank you so much for this wonderful encouragement. 🙂 you are a great friend. hugs to you and julie! xo

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  18. Caralyn,

    wow. This post seems like it took bravery to publish… But thank you for sharing! I am so glad you are ready to open your heart to someone. I love getting on my yoga mat and giving it all to God- I did a post on this over at my blog recently and it was so much fun! Hope you’re having a

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    2. Hi Annie Cate! oh gosh thank you friend 🙂 Yes! That is the best part about it – having quiet time with Jesus. thank you for the encouramgent. Hugs and love xox

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  19. Yes! And wait for God to do it because He knows and loves you way better than you do and will bring the right man at the right time for the right reasons. When we force someone He doesn’t want, it never ends well. It will come and I prayed for you to have the wisdom to see when God brings that man to you and the grace to wait for him. Hang in there. I love you, friend. XO 😄❤

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    1. thank you so much Tonya! and gosh, thank you for your prayers. Yes – gotta have major patience! Hugs and love xox

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  20. This is a truly beautiful post, because you were open, and made yourself vulnerable in the sharing of your experience. My friend that is where the beauty comes from. This is clear evidence that God is working in you and through you. And it’s so beautiful to see your trusting in God. You are exactly where you need to be. Whether you realize it or not, you inspire so many people.

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  21. Dang…. this whole post just sounds like dad in heaven. Peace and vulnerability. It’s apparent God is doing a work in you and that the god who sees ahead and provides will do likewise with you. I need to share this post with some peeps…. i mean i always share your posts.

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    1. oh my gosh i am humbled by such generous words. Thank you Nathan, i really appreciate it, and I would absolutely honored it you were to pass it on 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thank you so much Kenneth. i appreciate this encouragement. yes! sooner rather than later, please! haha Hugs and love xox

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      1. Before I was married, Genisis 24’s account of Laban seeking a bride for his masters son was always an encouraging reminder that God has a sovereign wedding plan for us, as improbable as it may be.

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  25. How this fills my heart for you 🙂 I’m so glad you have opened up on this blog, sharing your journey, the highs and lows. God continue to be with you, my sister in Christ. Praying ahead of time has really cleared some paths I never knew I would tread, and I’m so thankful how God used me during those times of prayer to prepare me. My mom has prayed for my husband since I was born, and he gave her a run for her money “so to speak” or run for prayer talk when we first dated, but he has transformed so much he is not the boy I dated, but he is the man I have married. I wish you a godly man who lifts you up as he should and can encourage you to keep giving your all to God and others.

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    1. oh TR, thank you friend. you are such a great friend. that’s amazing about your mom and husband. what an awesome love story 🙂 sending big big hugs xox

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  26. Pat and I knew right from the beginning that we were destined for each other. Just 12 hours after meeting her and asking her out (November 18, 1968) I asked her to marry me. Twelve days after that she wrote me that letter wherein she states, “On top of this I feel an elusive fondness for you that can’t be classified; its too strong for friendship and not strong enough for love.” Why did we see so quickly that we were meant for each other and were soulmates? As Pat said, “small bubbles of happiness in a cold universe.”
    I used to pray nightly that the first girl that attended Church with me would be the girl I married; well Pat was the first girl that attended Church with me. She even became an Anglican and Christianity is very much a part of our love. My favourite old testament book, Ecclesiastes reminds us that life is never without God-not even for a moment! Three days after that first date we were kneeing together in prayer in the Church of the Redeemer, an Anglican church in Toronto. For everything there is a season, and God is in the midst of them.

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    1. oh that is so amazing!!!! thank you so much for sharing your beautiful love story. it gives me such great hope. small bubbles of happiness in a cold universe. that is so poetic! Hugs and love xox

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      1. By the Lakeshore
        Patricia A Smith January 1969
        Among the ice
        Brave bright ducks
        Unsinkably bobbed.
        This side of the break water,
        A seeming submarine
        Craggy with Atlantic ice.

        Ice on the concrete shore, Then grey crinkled blueness
        Moving to the false horizon.

        Like numbed yellow wine
        The sun spread a stain to where
        The unreal smoky silhouettes
        Of faraway towns were
        Featured, just above the horizon.

        The boorish wind off the water,
        The wind off the ice,
        Was too cold, enveloping us
        So small,
        Two little castles
        Hand holding and smoking cigarettes
        And ambling.

        We should have been crusted with frost,
        As windows are on winter houses,
        Small bubbles of happy heat
        In a cold universe.

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  27. Oh Caralyn! I am praying right along with you for God to ready the heart of a very special man. Praise be to God for the faith he has given you and for the leap you have taken! Thank you for sharing this vulnerable yet extremely moving post.

    I have been meaning to tell you that I can see a change in you, simply through your blog posts. I was reading some of your older posts and thought, “wow, look how much God has been working in and through her!” You are so confident, beautiful, and so eager to serve our Lord and live your life for him. You rock, girl. Thank you for letting all of us join you in your journey! ❤

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    1. aw thank you friend for your prayers and encouragement! it truly means so much. And wow – what a neat thing to say. yeah this blog has definitely been incredibly healing and deepened my relationship with the Father, and i think understanding – or rather allowing myself to truly look inward, if that makes sense. thank you for such generous words. i am humbled and touched. Hugs and love xox

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  29. God bless you, dear open and vulnerable child of God. He has you in the palm of His hand – and at the perfect time, if it is meant to be, He will send to you the person worthy of your love and trust. Your openness is beautiful. May you be open only to His leading, and not to someone whose intentions are not as pure as yours. Be patient, dear one, be patient!!

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  30. Dear Beauty: I’m so glad you are opening yourself to the Masters Touch. He is aware of your hearts righteous desires, and with faith, patience and your working to prove your intentions, He will bring your divinely appointed sweetheart into your circle.
    He may not be beautiful or rich, God looks at the heart, not the outside.
    So be open to the feelings of the spirit.
    Remember James 1: 5, 6.
    And by the way…the challenges we face in life refine us and give direction through the lessons learned.
    Be grateful God Loves you enough to have given you so many refining moments.
    Peace be with you

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    1. oh thank you friend. I love that – refine and direct us. so true. thanks for the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

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  31. I feel the same way as you except that I would like a wife instead of a husband. I have been alone my entire life. I was never aloud to have friends growing up, and they have become hard to find nowadays. I know that you will be a big blessing to the man who finds you. As for me, well, I tend to feel my hopes get dashed, but I try to keep my faith strong.

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    1. Oh JB, yes – keep that faith strong, because you are going to make a great husband one day, and that woman will sure be lucky 🙂 And hey – i’m so glad to count you as one of my dear friends 🙂 sending so much love and prayers xox

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  32. Hugs and Love!! God will help you. I know. He helped me. He Loves all of us and you are no exception. Keep trusting and He will bring things about. Love and Light is what you caste upon His world. He will reward your trust too! xoxoxoxo

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    1. Thank you Miguel. Amen to that!! He loves us all so so much and His timing is perfect 🙂 just gotta trust! ahaha Hugs and love xox

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  34. The reality is as we age that we come to realize that things never happen when we expect them to take place. As we are all sinners God doesn’t really get to concern about what any of us want and when we want it. I raised in a home that getting married was not a major goal. If it happened it happened and if it didn’t that was ok too. I was dating but marriage just didn’t seem to be in the cards. Then one day I was walking out of a christian book store and picked up a singles dating paper ( long before eharmony etc.) I had a job in which I was working all night by myself. I started answering some ads just for fun. That was over 20 years ago. One of those ads I answered would later become my wife. I left my hometown for her and have never regretted it. The thing is that when I picked up that paper that day I had no idea it would change my life forever. There wasn’t any of this online dating stuff. Actually I think it probably helped because we had to actually write letters. Always keep in mind that the only person who you will spend the rest of your life with is you. Now as we are in the final stages of our lives we look back and agree that it has been one heck of a ride!

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    1. Oh wow, what an awesome love story! thank you for sharing that with me. you’re right – God’s timing! Hugs and love xox

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      1. The thing is that when I wrote to her the first time she said wrote back and said I was to young for her. ( She is about 10 years older) So we stopped writing then about 6 months later she wrote and asked if we could go back to writing? I figured why not? When we decided to get married I thought it was to go talk to her father about it on a walk. As we kept on walking she was next to her father and as we got closer to her parents home I walked up to her father and I talked to him about what we’re going to do ( both of us were well past 30) we had gone through all of scenarios about how would react and of course we forgot about the reaction he would have. He said well we need to go talked to Maggie. They had been married for over 50 years so logically for him that was the thing to do. We walked in and one of them put a chair in front of her and told her I needed to talk her about something. I felt like digging through the floor. She was ok with it but asked me to promise her one thing and that was to stay in the faith that my wife was raised in. I gave her my word and I won’t budge on that. Of course by now they are both gone. Being married a long there are times that you wonder what was I thinking? I think faith is a big part of it. We can laugh at just about anything. We really enjoy just hanging out. If your spouse is not your best friend then it will not end well. We always have each others back. We never embarrass each other in public. If she needs to talk then whatever I am doing stops. It is truly a unique love story . She is not well and that story is a miracle which I would never put on here. Take care of yourself.

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  35. I know you’re feeling anxious for a husband, but I think that praying for your future husband is a great start. To be honest I experience similar feelings of anxiousness, but try to turn that into praying for my future wife! Needless to say, your future husband, and my future wife, are definitely covered in prayers! 😉

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    1. you’re right – there is power in prayer! thank you so much!! i will keep you in my prayers!! Hugs and love xox

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      1. There is power in prayer indeed. I will pray for you too! As I’m writing this, I’m thinking of the song “Break Every Chain.”

        “There is power in the name of Jesus…to break every chain.”

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  36. You are very brave to open up like this. I have done the same on my blog. But I hoe you found it cleansing and healing. You are wise to leave the choice up to Jesus. You are a fine young woman.

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  37. You are an amazingly honest and beautiful person. Beautiful in and out. This blog is a kind of prayer in itself. It acknowledges everything good comes from our Creator and He always listens. Sometimes to answer immediately to that prayer of faith, and sometimes to wait until the right situation arises to be of benefit in your quest for eternity. I’m pausing now to add my prayer to yours that you find a person who is a committed Christian, because a committed Christian will be committed to you for life.

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    1. I agree with #iancyberspace you’re praying as you write and you’re speaking into your life what you are praying. Remember we live in the waves of what we created with our words and our prayers and our actions of the past. Time to make some new waves, speak into your future through your prayers. Time to unwrap your damaged heart too. Remember that God has been working inside the bandages for sometime now, time to give your heart some air because when you wrap it up, not only do you not let love in, it’s hard to let it out. We are praying with you, remember the prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective! God bless you Caralyn. I have been where you are, I know the pain and God knows it more. You are in good hands. x Lauren

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      1. Oh my gosh what a kind thing to say. yes – i love that – God working inside the bandages. Thank you Lauren, this is so touching! Hugs and love xox

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    2. Oh Ian, thank you friend. I am humbled by your generous words. And thank you for that prayer – I will join you in that! amen 🙂 thanks for being such a great friend. Hugs and love xox

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  38. I really like to read your stories … your openess is refreshing and your honesty is encouraging.
    I will pray with you finding the one sent to you by God.

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  39. Good things happen to good people, and you are a good person Caralyn. May God bless you. God’s blessings are abundant. Take care

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  40. When I read this post I closed my eyes and prayed for you. Such openness can only be described in one word: Godly. May God grant you the desire of your heart dear Caralyn.

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  41. It is so hard when all your life you have been fighting for yourself, fighting to keep your head above water. Or even sometimes just make sure when you wake up in the morning to get up and get on with you day. It is especially difficult to allow someone when you are doing all this in. You make all the excuses: I don’t want to hurt them, I don’t have the time, I can’t deal with them. what about me….etc. But eventually it comes around and gives you a kick in the behind and lets you know you don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to struggle and not have anyone there. I am so glad to hear you say that you know this now because you deserve it!! You deserve someone to make you happy and complete. Good luck 🙂

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    1. A kick in the behind indeed. thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement 🙂 you rock my friend! Hugs and love xox

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  42. Good for you Caralyn! I pray God gives you the answer to all of your hopes and dreams 🙂 And may we all reach that point where we give over whatever it is in our lives to God to control. God Bless!

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  43. This was a great post. I too have been in your position. Crazy thing is, this blog post coincides with my recent blog post. Probably a coincidence I am sure but nevertheless it is pretty neat. If you get he chance, go ahead and stop by and read it. “Lonely vs Alone” is the title and I think it is one of my favorite entries. I would love to have you stop by and leave some feedback. I am praying for you Caralyn. Your username is definitely fitting. Be blessed girl, and stay strong! Anything worth having, is worth waiting for. That’s a promise. 😉

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    1. Aw, thank you so much Paul. I will definitely check out your post. thank you for your prayers. you’re awesome! Hugs and love xox

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  44. Hey I just wanted to say thanks for reading/supporting my blog, I really appreciate it, whenever you’re in Ohio again I’d love to have the chance to talk to you

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  45. Oh, if I were only 50 years younger, I still would not be worth of you. May I suggest you read some of your older posts. Your advise looks spot on. You may already listening, and not acting on what you hear. Love you John.

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    1. oh John, I am humbled by such kind words. thank you friend. i will go back and do some reading today 🙂 big hugs xo

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  46. I’m thrilled for you! I’m also re-committing to more intentional prayer – At least once in the car, each way during my daily commute. It’s helped me lessen my anxiety about many different things that have popped up recently. I also had an amazing phone conversation with one of my college roommates this past week, something that we haven’t done in nearly a year. It was refreshing to catch up with her. We talked about our families, marriages, her recent mission trip experiences, and the debate about having children. She and her husband are thinking about adopting, which I find a wonderful opportunity for them. I have added them to my prayer list. I’ve found myself also praying for our future child or children, too. It’s a wonderful feeling. Sending love and prayers! I hope you have a great weekend!

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    1. aw, Laura Beth thank you!!! yes! intentional prayer – it’s really something. It has really made such a difference, even in just three short weeks! It is amazing, you open up the door even a crack for Jesus, and He whooshes in fills ya up!! aw, that’s so great that you had that catch up session. friends like that are amazing, aren’t they!? Thank you for the prayers 🙂 Know that you are in mine too! Hugs and love xox

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  48. I don’t really know what to say here, so many thoughts and things to do and yet it’s out of your hands. I guess it’s keep doing what you do and being who you are and that person should come. But what do I know eh? 🙂

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