Uncomfortable Love

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This post has been difficult to write.

I’ve burned the midnight oil, only to find myself coming up with pocket lint, paperclips and pennies.

I had a really good cry tonight.

I don’t talk about it much, because I like to focus on the positives in my life, but I’ve found here recently that I’ve been carrying around a lot of sadness. And I’m not going to get too into it, but let’s just say that life can present challenging journeys, and I’ve been harboring some deep sadness as of late that I can feel weighing on my soul.

Love takes so many forms throughout life.

I’m waiting for that romantic love to come into my life, but in the meantime, I’ve definitely been blessed with beautiful love from family and friends.

But I’ve recently come to find that sometimes, love stretches you.

Sometimes love is uncomfortable. It can hurt, or leave you feeling expended physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

But the thing is: I do feel God is drawing me close to Him in this challenging season of my life. I can feel Him using this time of desolation and sadness to pull me into His embrace, so that He can fill my weary spirit with His love and grace.

Our greatest calling in life is to love. It doesn’t matter what your job is, where you live, what your background – God calls us to love with the love that Christ modeled for us.

I just finished the truly life changing book, Love As a Way of Life by Gary Chapman, and it turns out that his seven key attributes of a loving person – many are Fruits of the Holy Spirit.

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His key attributes are:
Kindness, Patience, Forgiveness, Courtesy, Humility, Generosity, and Honesty

The Fruit of the Spirit are:
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control

They’re practically the same list.

But during this season, I’ve seen God working on each of those attributes in my heart. Stretching me. Growing me – often in ways that are uncomfortable. Especially when it comes to patience.

I was watching the sunset over the lake tonight, and God used that quiet time to remind me that just like the sun setting, we will go through darker periods in life. Things will seem bleak, without light or hope, but that He has promised us that every morning, the sun will rise, and the darkness will come to an end.

Things may never go back to the way they were. I am slowly coming to terms with that, and trying – unsuccessfully – to make peace with that in my heart. And it’s been really hard. Really hard. Hard not to become angry or bitter or disengaged. Especially as i spend time at home. But I’ve been really struggling with that as of late.

But one of the things that is so clear, and so beautiful that I get to see every morning while I’m up here in Wisconsin at the lake, is that every sunrise is different.

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Every morning, the darkness is broken through by a single ray, only to grow into the most beautiful display of light and beauty. And each one different than the one before – but each one just as magnificent.

I’m never going to get yesterday’s sunrise. I know that. It’s hard for me to accept, but it is reality. Right now I’m in the darkness before the dawn, and I need to look for that single ray of light. Because sure, this new sunrise is different, but it has a beauty all its own. And I need to recognize that. And appreciate what I do have, right here and now.

And in the meantime, cling to Jesus for comfort. Cling to Jesus for strength and to call on Him to grow in my heart the kindness, patience, humility, forgiveness etc. that I need to best love those in my life. Because love is hard. And I’m learning that over, and over, and over.

But it is worth it.

Tonight, I’ve dried my tears. It was good to finally let out my grief and share with someone the burden I’ve been silently carrying. I’ve acknowledged it, but now it is time to move forward. Greet the dawn and appreciate its unique beauty, although different from before.

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213 thoughts on “Uncomfortable Love”

  2. I’ll keep saying it–you and I need men!! We both deserve wonderful men in our lives!! I’ll drink to it!! Don’t be sad!! We can find love!!

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  3. Wow, I am so happy for you and for that courage that u have to put all ur energy and time into something different, something with the shot, God bless you dear, may he always stand by you and next to everyone else who want a positive change. Thanks for ur uplifting words 😊

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  4. Prayers for you, dear lady. We all walk through the valley of the shadow of death, but we do keep walking, thanks to the light of Christ, and keep faith that the darkness will fade. It will for you. Hugs and love– Mike

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  5. I appreciate your heart in this. I know it can be challenging. Before I got married, there was nothing I wanted more than to be married. And you’re right, the period before we meet that special person is an opportunity for growth and refinement. I know I’d talk to a lot of my friends who were my age and married and learn from them (and their mistakes). I think that was definitely something that helped prepare me. I didn’t go in with a fairytale idea it would be perfect. So keep on keeping on. Keep growing. And when it happens for you, it won’t be perfect, but it’ll definitely be awesome.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words Josh. Yes! I agree. We’re not aiming for perfection, but awesomeness. Hugs and love xox

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  6. I’ve shared some on my faith blog about the deep troubling experience of the winter. The experience of being unlovable, unwanted, unworthy was overwhelming to the point of frequent ugly crying when my Sweetie was working. As a creative (art/writing) not being able to drink at these wells ached physically. The affects linger a bit, they are in part habits of a lifetime.
    God offered me a moment to see what was happening, and turn to him. I am so very grateful you spoke your heart, and sadness to someone.
    Whatever moment this is, whatever season Miss Caralyn I’m praying for and with you.
    Enjoy each sunrise as a special gift from God to you. ❤

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    1. Thank you Teri for sharing your heart and for your encouragement. Yes- God’s got us. Thanks for your prayers. Know that you are in mine too. Hugs and love xox

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  8. I hear you, Caralyn. I am struggling myself, something I’m no stranger to over the years, but seems especially acute right now. I like your thought how God is with us in that. The dark night has value. Dawn is coming, just like you say, repeatedly so in this life, and someday there will be no more night (Revelation 22:5). Blessings on you, sister in Christ. Praying for you now.

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    1. Thank you Ted, I’m sorry that this resonates so close to home win you. Amen to that. Thanks for your prayers. Know that you are in mine too. Hugs and love xox

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  9. I hope this teaching from the link helps you refreshes you give you encouragement and lift up your down cast spirit. Have hope and continue to hold onto God’s unchanging hand, nature and attributes. https://youtu.be/H7h5BHax06c
    This is part 1 of 8 series. I hope you are blessed by it. Shalom and blessings to you

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      6. Oh that’s amazing! Can’t wait to check it out! Glad you’re enjoying it 🙂 sisters are the best

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      8. 🙂 you’re a great friend, April. Thanks for brightening my day! Hugs and love xox

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  10. I dislike being stretched, in any way shape or form. You know that old adage that starts “if you pray for patience, God’s going to put you in places where you need to wait”? Yeah, I’ve avoided praying for stuff like that. And, try as I might, it seems impossible to keep grace in harsh times.

    I’ve only recently become aware that it’s okay to feel sadness, to not put on “the face” that tells the world you’re okay when you’re not. That it’s important to feel what you feel, without apology and without regret. “Be angry and sin not” has taken on a new meaning. For me, it means it’s okay to be angry, sometimes it’s important to be angry. Just don’t go overboard with it. Own it. Own the sadness. Forget the face of grace and just be human.

    Anyway, your post resonated. Just wanted you to know that.

    …Doug

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    1. Yeah it’s never very comfortable. Thank you for your support and encouragement, Doug. Means a lot. Hugs and love xox

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  11. Beautiful reminder.

    “Every morning, the darkness is broken through by a single ray, only to grow into the most beautiful display of light and beauty. And each one different than the one before – but each one just as magnificent.

    I’m never going to get yesterday’s sunrise. I know that. It’s hard for me to accept, but it is reality. Right now I’m in the darkness before the dawn, and I need to look for that single ray of light. Because sure, this new sunrise is different, but it has a beauty all its own. And I need to recognize that. And appreciate what I do have, right here and now.”

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  12. Most of the time I try to respond with some message, some different slant on your articles to give you something in return. Tonight I’ll just offer an image instead of words.

    One of my earliest reactions to your writings in your darker days was a wish that I could just hold you protectively, kiss the top of your head, and tell you that things will work out. They will be OK.

    So tonight, if it helps, imagine that; a friend’s harboring embrace and quiet assurances that you too will be well when God makes it your time.

    Your friend…

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    1. Thank you Jeff. This brought a comfort to my sou and a smile to my face. I really appreciate it. You are a good friend and I thank god for using this crazy inter web to cross our paths! Hugs and love to you and Julie! xox

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      2. 🙂 I will! I have one more job in Ohio and then it’s finally back to NYC! I miss my friends!!!!!! haha

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  14. Love is such a complex thing to comprehend but when you put God into the equation, it’s straight and simple. If you can love others past all their faults and flaws, then the gift you give is one of pure unselfishness and joy. Don’t worry about finding that special someone, God really does have a plan for you and your soulmate. Your paths will cross and when it does, it’ll truly be magical. Thanks for sharing Caralyn.

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    1. It really is, thank you Mark. So true – He really does have a plan and I trust that. Hugs and love xox

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  15. “Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.” Psalm 139:16
    “Can a woman forget her nursing child, And not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, Yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me.” Isaiah 49:15-16
    “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten…” Joel 2:25
    “Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19
    “looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith…” Hebrews 12:2
    I know it’s hard. I really do. Keep clinging. You and Jesus got this. 💐💐🤗🤗xox

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    1. Thank you so much Matthew. Yes! The Fruit of the Spirit are such amazing things to pray for. God is rich in blessing us. Hugs and love xox

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  17. The beauty of the Spirit within is peace. A peace that encompass the very essence of our sadness. Behind smiling eyes, we cry within. Silent screams for help rattles us from a tumultuous slumber. Yet, we wait…patiently waiting for the embrace of our protector….as a child – our parent. As a beautiful woman, the expressive arms of our Heavenly Father. My Dear one, you are never alone. I will keep you in my prayers THIS day. Blessings.

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    1. thank you friend for this beautiful response. you’re so right – peace. thank you for your prayers. they mean the world. Hugs and love xox

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  18. I think this is your most beautiful, poignant post I’ve seen you write. 💓 Thank you! I love reading about heartwork, matters pertaining to the heart. Whilst we’re vastly different ppl roaming this planet , life often affects us all the same way-it affects our hearts. And life is heart breaking at times, but as you’re seeing, when we acknowledge and release our disappointments and grief, we make room not just for our hearts to not just mend but to grow.

    And yes, God is calling us to love! The answer is everything is love. That msg from that book you read, is the message of basically all religions. We’re here to grow and learn to love, be kind, be compassionate, show some humility. I think you have such a beautiful heart. ☺️✌🏼 Enjoy your evening.

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    1. Thank you friend your this wonderfully kind encouragement. You’re so right – they make room for our hearts to grow. that’s such a powerful perspective. Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thank you so much Cindy, I really appreciate your support. yes! i love that verse. Hugs and love xox

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  22. I have read a lot recently about young men not showing any interest in romance or marriage. Not gay, just scared. Have you run into that too?

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    1. Thanks steve, Yes lots of scared guys out there. and girls too – myself included. Hugs and love xox

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    1. thank you friend.oh what a beautiful saying! I love it. thanks for sharing that with me! Hugs and love xox

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      1. The Lord brought her exactly who He had planned for her – the one! She says it was so worth the wait. Pray the same will be true for you. Hugs, love and blessings!

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  25. Oh how I wish we could sit down over coffee or something and just talk. Every time I read you I find some part of myself reflected on the page. I read you and I grow. Hugs my new friend. I hope our paths cross someday soon.

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    1. awww thank you Melissa, you’re so sweet. I’m so glad this resonated with you. and i would absolutely love to sit down over coffee with you too!!! Hugs and love xox

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  26. Thank you for sharing this post. I also find myself in a season of waiting, but what I’ve begun to realize is that the kind of unconditional love I’m searching for doesn’t exist on earth. Only Christ can love us absolutely, unconditionally. And it’s reassuring to know that ❤

    • Katie

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    1. Thank you Katie, that is so so so true – His love is the only perfect love out there. amen! Hugs and love xox

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  27. When I read this post, I felt like you were talking about my life right now. I’m at a point where I’ve already had to give up the plans I had for this time, and I’m trying to surrender what I want for the future, knowing it may not be what God gives me. I have also felt a lot of sadness, aloneness, and even fear, but God keeps periodically sending reminders that he loves me and has a good plan for me. It’s so hard to be patient! But that’s just another opportunity to glorify God by trusting him. Thank you so much for sharing your heart! It was what I needed to hear right now.

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    1. aw, thank you Kristina for your encouragement. you’re so right – we have so many opportunities to practice trusting Him. so glad this resonated with you! Hugs and love xox

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  28. “God calls us to love with the love that Christ modeled for us.” Bingo. Thanks for being open and honest. Keep looking ahead.

    “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.” 1 John 4:16

    Keep praying. Hope to hear from you soon.

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  29. Wow wow wow…another powerful post. Maybe because honestly, I’ve come to discover as well that love can be tough, while it is oh so important.

    Have you read 1 Corinthians 13? I was thinking of that chapter when reading about the sort of love you’re learning about at this stage of your life:

    “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

    You are right. Showing this sort of love is really tough. You’re very open about your struggles with showing this sort of love, and I’ve certainly struggled too. For that reason, I pray that you may continue to grow in love.

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    1. Thank you Brendan. You’re so right – love can be tough. I love that corinthians verse, thanks for the reminder! and thanks for your prayers! Hugs and love xox

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      1. You’re welcome! I needed this passage to remind myself that I wasn’t loving others as I should.

        There are two other reminders I can think of this morning.

        First, since you’re thinking about marriage, recognize that marriage vows involve love that is a bit tough…it’s a vow to stick together in good times and bad, in sickness and health, in wealth and poverty, until death. I don’t say this to discourage you but to remind you that if you marry, vows include love that is tough.

        Second, continue to pray for your future husband. I pray for my future wife so it’s comforting to know the future spouse is covered in prayer.

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      2. Very true very true. Praying for him is so important. Thank you! You want to know the funny thing! This post wasn’t even about finding a husband! It was about a different relationship in my life! Haha but I have received so much great advice about my future husband from this! It’s been such a blessing and I definitely don’t think that was on accident!! So thank you!!! I’m taking this to heart 🙂 have an awesome Friday!

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      3. Yes indeed! The funny thing was that I wasn’t thinking about your future husband (since your post wasn’t about that until realizing that the sort of love you talk about is also in marriage vows). But I’m glad this helps. You have a good Friday too!

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  30. When a woman old enough to be my daughter expresses many of the fears and pain that I feel, the whole idea of a common humanity is reaffirmed. Guess that’s why I love you.

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  32. I believe there is a special journey for those who are touched by God’s love to help them know what love really means. That heart ache from lonliness makes hearts more open to grasp more love and wisdom.

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  33. God has bigger plans for you at the moment. So hard to see it, but maybe, just maybe Jesus is having some undivided attention and quality time with you for a bit. And maybe He is protecting you heart until His ideal husband for you comes along. (From experience the wrong guy is just as lonely and much worse.) It is not you, you are worthy and precious and beautiful. I love you as always, friend! XO ❤

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    1. Hi Tonya, thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. you’re right- quality time with Jesus. I love that. Hugs and love xox

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  34. I’m sorry your feeling down right now. I wish I was better at this. — What I’ve seen from you in a short time is a gracious and sweet spirit, that means a whole lot. Hope you start feeling better, I know what its like to feel down, also. He loves us though, look to Him no matter what, I believe you will.

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    1. Thank you so much Paul, I really appreciate your kind words and support. amen to that – look to Him!!! Hugs and love xox

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  35. Love you, Caralyn! I know you are feeling down, but your post still spoke to me and encouraged me. The Lord is working through you to bless so many people. You are emanating His light! “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” (Luke 12:7). AKA: I love you more than anything, and I’ve got one amazing man picked out for you. 🙂

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    1. aw, you’re so sweet – thank you so much 🙂 I love that verse – it is so comforting!!! thanks for the practical translation! hahahah 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  37. God is shaping us into his vessel, but sometimes we can feel the pressure of his firm hands changing us from our old self into something new. Isaiah 43:18 has been my go to verse during these times when the pressure seems too much: “Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
    See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
    I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.”
    Blessings as you continue on your journey of faith in Christ.

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    1. I think you’re so right about that – change can be painful, but the end result will be truly amazing. God is good. Hugs and love xox

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    1. I think you’re so right about that. it feels so good to let out the emotion. thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  39. Well spoken! Realizing that it’s time to let things go is just as hard as having them taken away, and when there is nothing to cling to, that’s often when Jesus is reaching out to hold you (something I’ve been realizing lately!). I’m going to share this post with someone who’s been struggling with similar issues. Meantime, know that I’m keeping you in my prayers!

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    1. thank you friend. you’re so right – having comforts taken away is not the most pleasant, but we can trust in His goodness, and cling to Hi during the readjustment. thank you for your prayers. that means a lot. Hugs and love xox

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  41. There were times I felt so lonely that when I finally found someone I settled back for comfortability if not love. It bit me in the a**. Now I’m through being impatient, I’ll cherish the life I have and when the right person comes, I’ll doubly cherish what we have.
    You don’t have to be hard on yourself, what is yours will never not be yours. Patience and self love is the key.

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    1. Thannnylu for sharing that. I’m sorry you went through that. Amen – cherished for sure. Hugs and love xox

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  42. It’s funny how bitter rinds encases the sweetest fruits after the fire, spring forth the seedlings with the strongest shoots, Love is the sunrise after the storm, the rebirth of the heart that’s equal to none.

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  43. Talk about being in the same season with you! I too have been struggling with the tugging at my heart and in tears the last few days. Sometimes I just wish God would provide specific details because I can feel so incompetent. Sometimes it is the way He keeps speaking to me with messages just like yours to reassure that He is so involved. I just don’t want to let Him down; even though realistically I can’t. Thank you for God’s perfect time for delivery!

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    1. Thank you friend. I’m so glad this resonated with you. Amen – perfect timing!! Hugs and love xox

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  45. No matter what stage in life you are at, it’s all about letting go, and that lesson is often hard and painful. When you are older, as I am, you realise that it’s a lesson that needs to be learned many times over. But it’s the only way to make room for something new and wonderful to come into our lives…

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  46. “Weeping may spend the night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30) May your seasons of weeping pass quickly and your joy last forever.

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  47. My dear friend,

    When problems come in our lives, as the sun sets and comes with the darkness of the night, we sometimes go through hard times, but each morning, each dawn is a new beginning, lets us dig out the shadow of the night and are then able to appreciate the warm sunshine, the light that touches our heart. Days and nights are there to balance our feelings and mind, to provide us with thankfulness and humbleness and lift us a bit higher on our path of becoming more and more conscious. And love is like the sun: it gives light to everyone not asking if a person is good or bad, not asking to get something in return, but showers its light unconditionally on us. This kind of love we all have inside us as a beautiful treasure and where we lose, there we will find. To win the hearts is to give sunshine to them…

    Big hugs for you, my friend – I am always happy to read your stories 🙂
    Didi

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    1. Wow I love that – love is like the sun. What a beautiful beautiful thought. Thank you for sharing this with me. I appreciate the encouragement so much! Hugs and love xox

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  48. Why does growth have to be uncomfortable? I admit to asking God if He can help me grow in this or that way and then adding, very meekly at the end, but please can we do it without the uncomfortableness, lol. 🙂 Keep growing, keep asking, He will bring you through as He always does. God Bless Caralyn 🙂

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  49. Good Morning Caralyn:
    God Bless You Abundantly Today, This Weekend, and Forever More!

    I am sorry to read that you have been going through this difficult period of time. It is important though that you do talk about it, and talk through it, so it doesn’t keep growing within your spirit and mind, pulling you down, into increased depression, oppression.

    In His Written Word recorded for us, Jesus Christ, The Living Word Of God has told us to expect troubles. BUT, He is also the Overcomer, Who we can rely on.

    John 16:32-33
    32 “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.
    33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”.

    Of course, I know that you know, the first act is to turn and hand everything over to our Lord Jesus. He is always Present, always waiting to receive our burdens, anxieties, and frustrations.

    1 Peter 5:7
    7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

    Philippians 4:6-7
    6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
    7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

    I realize, as you do also, that at times it is good, and even necessary, to speak with a flesh and blood person we can see.
    We are told in Scripture also, to carry one another’s burdens, so if there is one to carry the burdens, at times we have to share the burdens with someone.
    If you have a trusted female you can talk, laugh, cry with, it may help a great deal also.

    Galatians 6:2
    2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

    One of my favourite verses, (although I dislike saying that, because everyday I could say “favourite verse” about some Scripture), 😀 tells us how to focus our minds, and we can do that during the negative times too, maybe especially.

    Philippians 4:8
    8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

    I pray this passage for you Caralyn, with Love, Care, Thankfulness for you.

    2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
    16 May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope,
    17 encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

    God’s Richest Blessings be upon you,
    Luv, 😀❤️🌹😘

    p.s. I hope you don’t mind me putting all this Scripture in my writing.

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    1. Thank you so much George. You’re so right – gotta hand it over to Jesus. And yes!! Focus our minds. Thank you for sharing these powerful verses and for your wonderful prayers and friendship. Hugs and love xox

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  50. Oh, this cross is heavy and the darkness deep. The thing that you can’t see is all the grace coming to you in it. That’s the thing with the darkness. You have been shining light throughout it all and yet you won’t be able to see it until the darkness is ready to break. Trust the rest of us when we say that God is working fiercely within you.

    No, you won’t have yesterday’s sunrise, but the one that is coming will make yesterday’s look pale and colorless. The blessing is that you are leaving a trail in this blog that you will be able to come back to when this darkness breaks. It is then that you will see all the ways that this cross was being transformed.

    Check out the Constitutions of the Holy Cross order (https://bit.ly/2MSJVcb) for a beautiful description of the hope of the cross, especially paragraphs 117 and 118. It will change your life. I promise.

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    1. Yes, thank you so much for this encouragement Karen May. What a kind thing to say. I will definitely check out that link! Thanks for passing it along! Hugs and love xox

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