How I Survived Inpatient Treatment for Anorexia

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I want to first just start out by saying how grateful for I am for my wonderful Patreon supporters. You are the reason why I am still able to do this blog. Even just one or two dollars is so greatly appreciated, and allows me to continue to devote the time and energy into this blog. And to everyone else – thank you for reading, for your prayers and for sharing this blog with your friends – that is so generous. And if you want to join the Patreon family, and get access to my daily podcast, Oh What a Beautiful Morning!, as well as podcast versions of my posts, I ask that you prayerfully consider doing so. That would mean the world.

I mention all of this, because this past weekend, during my Oh What a Beautiful Morning! podcast, I was reminded of a very specific memory from my three month stay at inpatient treatment for my anorexia, ten years ago.

I’m going to be honest, sometimes it blows my mind when I think about the life I’ve lived so far. I mean – the things I gone through are seasons that, I honestly don’t know of many people who have had to endure. And my season of inpatient hospital treatment is one of those times.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was adamant about not going. I was supposed to graduate high school in 5 days, but a bed had opened up. It was the best inpatient treatment facility in the country. Christian based. Waiting list months long. And they finally had an opening.

I was barely clinging to life, 78 pounds. I didn’t have 5 days to spare. But I refused to go. And as an 18 year old girl and legally an adult, my parents couldn’t force me. So they staged an intervention.

Long story short, I ended up on a plane the very next morning, flying across the country to spend the next three months at an intense inpatient treatment facility where I would not only have to gain 30+ pounds, but kick a crippling addiction to exercise, silence the manipulative and controlling voice of the eating disorder in my head, reestablish my relationship with food, repair the important relatioships in my life, and rediscover who I am without my anorexia.

I can remember that first day, exactly. Walking into that community room, seeing the nurses, and all the girls with feeding tubes coming out of their noses. It was cold, and sterile, yet trying desperately to feel “homey.” There were couches and big round tables where grown woman were coloring. Yes, coloring. Like children. There were cubbies. And arts and crafts. And books. It was almost as though it was a cross between an adult daycare and hospital.

I had spent the whole 5 hour plane ride anxiously imagining what it would be like. Little did I know…

I said goodbye to my parents at the threshold of that sliding door, and never looked back. I was there on a mission: Get in. Get out. Get on with life.

My feet barely hit the aztec/adobe style area rug, when I was rushed into an exam room by the head nurses. “Strip and step on the scale,” they grunted, as they handed me a paper gown.

Let me tell ya, there’s not much more humbling in life than standing there, shivering, naked with half of my hair fallen out, getting searched – head to toe – for signs of self harm, or sneaking drugs into the facility in my “unmentionables.”

I was weighed. Poked. Prodded. Stuck with needles. Had my vitals taken. And then sat at a school desk where they slammed a lunch tray down in front of me — “Eat.”

Not so much as an ounce of warmth or flash of a smile from these two women.

The whole episode was hauntingly traumatic.

And I learned very quickly that if I was going to survive that time, I was going to need one thing: Jesus.

So now, how did my podcast on Patreon make me think of this?

Well, in the episode, I was reflecting on the verse from Matthew 19:14 ”

“Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them;
for the Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

And it made me think about how we are to have the faith of a child: completely and absolutely trusting in the Father, one hundred percent.

And talking about that brought up this specific memory and image from inpatient, that honestly, got me through.

Growing up, there was an image of Jesus in my mom’s bible study room at church.

It was of this gentle, loving Jesus with kind eyes, holding this helpless little lamb with a broken leg.

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And sitting there at inpatient, completely terrified, and honestly not knowing how I was going to get through three months of facing fear food after fear food, meal after meal. I was alone. I was petrified. And I was hopeless.

And then that image of Jesus came into my head one night. I had to sleep in a cot at the nurses’ station, as they feared my heart would stop in the middle of the night. I only learned later that I was the most severe case they had ever seen.

But lying there, I saw that image.

And it completely changed things.

I envisioned myself as that helpless, broken little lamb. I saw myself as a child – pure and innocent – climbing up into the Father’s arms.

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He was strong. And smelled of clove and cedar, and He held me in His sturdy arms and kept me safe. Protected me. I buried my face into his chest and cried, or yelled, or took deep breaths to calm me down. But sitting there in that cold, sterile environment, I could smell His woodsy, soothing aroma.

And knowing that I was safe in His arms, it was exactly what I needed to get through the next moment of fear or panic.

We all have that inner child inside of us – hidden, somewhere deep in our spirits. We’ve lost sight of it, in all of our shame or regrets. But that child is there, waiting to crawl into the Father’s lap, waiting to be seen and loved wholly – and completely trusting with everything we have, that He will take care of our needs, protect us from harm, and carry us through the storm.

Inpatient taught me a lot. It may not have *healed* my anorexia, per se, but it did give me a lot. It saved my life – put the weight mostly on – but more than that, it awakened in me the need for Jesus in my life, on a daily, moment to moment basis. It provided the setting for me to get reacquainted – or rather, reintroduced – to Jesus: my Savior who forgave me, and gave His life because He loved me that much.

Going back, today, and reading through the extensive journal I kept at inpatient, I can see just how that relationship grew and blossomed. Starting with the decision to climb into His lap when I was terrified and unable to go on. And I’m so glad that I can share those experiences, and offer provocative, guiding questions in my interactive book/journal, Bloom, for others going through their own adversity in their lives.

Because the truth is, we don’t have to go through it alone.

Not only do we have each other, but we have a Father who will carry us in His strong, sturdy arms, every step of the way. Especially when we do not have the strength or courage to go another inch.

Crawl into His lap. He’s waiting just for you.

See ya tomorrow morning on the Podcast!

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A big thank you to my foundational sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy. I cannot begin to express how beneficial therapy was for my recovery from anorexia.  Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

211 thoughts on “How I Survived Inpatient Treatment for Anorexia”

  3. Your story is amazing and inspiring and brought tears to my eyes. My only experience with inpatient treatment was awful and lasted just a few days. Thank you for pointing to Jesus in the midst of your deepest struggles 💛

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  4. Oh goodness, I have to admit that I was tearing up a little as I was reading your blog. Thank you for sharing this. You are such a strong woman 💞

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    1. Oh Cyn, you’re too sweet. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I’m glad this resonated with you. Love you friend. Hugs and love xox

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  7. You, my dear, are meant for great things, shining light into the darkness of others who feel hopeless. And you would not be able to, had you not made it through your personal trials. I am excited to follow you, and see what the future brings. Hugs and love from Kentucky– Mike

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    1. oh my gosh, what a kind thing to say. thank you so much Mike. 🙂 that really means a lot. God is so so good! And yay Kentucky!! 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  8. Reading your post, I could feel your desperation and resistance to the inpatient treatment. Picture of Jesus that you got was precious. Even in the sterile hospital environment, he was there with you. I am sure the opening at the hospital opened up at the right time, in order for your life to bloom and blossom. So glad you are here to bless others.

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    1. oh gosh thank you so much. Yeah, I was pretty against it at the time. But Praise God that He got me there. Hugs and love xox

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    1. oh gosh thank you friend. i’m so glad it resonated with you. thanks for taking the time to read it. Hugs and love xox

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  10. You preach it woman! I so love your writing. I know I say it every time, but it’s true. When I was single my Christian buddies and I would have referred to you as a W.O.G. This means woman of God. This was the highest of compliments. It elevated that woman to revered respect and marriage potential. I was blessed to meet my W.O.G and someday God will lead a real man to meet you. You are always in my prayers and thanksgivings. Thank you for the “likes” to my blog, I am so humbled by your kindness. Love you brother in Christ, Stephan

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    1. thank you Stephan!! You’re kind to say that. I am truly touched! And thank you for your prayers. God is so so good and I owe Him my life! literally! So glad you found your WOG!! Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thank you so much Chelsea 🙂 I appreciate you taking the time to read 🙂 Thanks for the encouraging words. big big hugs to you xo

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      3. Oh. So an obsession of the physical? Physical weight not emotional weight. The “weight” of life, stresses. That sort. Right?

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      5. I’m sorry it pained you. The bits. All add up sometimes don’t they? When bad things happen to me, since as long as I can remember. I say, if this is the worst thing that happens, I’m doing pretty good. You are worthy of this life. If I knew you then, I would have told you.

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      6. Thank you Kenzie, your encouragement and kindness really mean so much. That’s a great perspective to keep in mind 🙂 thank you friend. big big hugs xo

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      7. I asked about fear. Because. It’s what hold us back in finding love. In being in love. I want that big, great, love for you. Even more than for myself. We are Jack & Rose and life is just like the, Titanic.

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      9. Did you know “posh” stands for port out starboard home? There was no air conditioning on sailing ships so the upper classes cooled themselves by paying extra to be on the side of the ship not in the sun.

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    1. thank you JB, you’re kind to say that. God is good and I am so grateful for His grace and saving Hand. Hugs and love xox

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    1. Aw Friend thank you so much. Yes! He IS in charge. Hang in there on your journey. You’ve got this. I believe in you!! Hugs and love xox

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  18. Amen! Your testimony has to rock the enemies world. He realized that by destroying your life, many lives would remain untouched by the truth of God’s love. Thank you for enduring the season and sharing your story.

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    1. thank you so much Karisa! what a kind thing to say. Amen! God is stronger than the enemy! Hugs and love xox

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  19. BBB, thank you for your courage to post your story (stories). I’m sure the impact of your life will extend far beyond those who you will personally meet. Keep on keeping on.

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  20. Thank you for your transparency! I will be sharing this post with my followers on all social media platforms. I am especially hoping young girls will read this post and heed your words.

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  21. I wanted to tell you how very proud I am of you. Not just for sharing your beautiful story, but for successfully finding your recovery. My daughter is currently finishing up a partial in-patient treatment for Bulimia and from a perspective of a parent who has watched many young girls (and a young man) successfully complete a recovery program, I can tell you that I know just how much of a struggle it was for you. To turn your recovery into something even more beautiful by sharing your struggle, reaching out to others, you have turned what started out as an illness, into something that has profound meaning in your life. I have told my daughter that even though she may not understand or see why God would allow her to go through this, that someday she will be able to help someone else struggling in a mental space that she was once in. My prayers are with you as you continue your journey, and I pray that for every time your story is shared that at least one young man or woman will find comfort or courage to reach out for help and seek recovery for themselves. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and I pray God bless you every day.

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    1. Hi Teri, thank you so much for this thoughtful response. i appreciate you sharing your story. I will definitely be keeping your daughter and you and your family in my prayers. I’m so glad this resonated with you and that you know the power of recovery 🙂 Amen – God will use all of our pain for good. we can take that to the bank. thank you for your prayers. This has touched my soul more than you know!! 🙂 big big hugs xoxo

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  23. Omg beautiful as always. I’m so glad God healed you and you fought for that healing. Thank you for always sharing your heart and strength with us. You’re an inspiration for many. May the Lord continue to bless you and may peace continue to be with you all the days of your life. 💛

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    1. Thank you so much Laura:) I’m so glad He did too! He is so good 🙂 thank you for such kind words. Hugs and love xox

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  26. Thank you for sharing this. God uses broken things to show His love. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broke bread in the Communion to give strength. The little acorn must die and be buried to grow into the mighty oak. Love and hugs to you, you mighty oak.

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  27. Great post–I agree with everybody else offering supportive thoughts that now you are doing a lot right. Your style is very welcoming, I would also agree, and of course, I am glad you are doing so much better than when you were doing inpatient!

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  28. Beautiful reminder of our Father’s love! Thank you for sharing your inpatient story and thank you for your words of hope!

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  29. God is so good to us. Sometimes I wonder why I’ve had to go through various trials, but I do trust that God was there with me in them. Thank you for sharing your faith and ED story with the world. I’m not sure why the nurses treated you so coldly, but I’m thankful that you got a room and are doing better.

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    2. If I may, I think it was very calculated to establish authority and squelch resistance. I’m sure they had her bio and knew about the intervention. Warm and fuzzy would come later. First they needed to save her life. Just like ER doctors forget emotion; all business till they’re out of the woods.

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  30. Excellent Post! I’m glad you mentioned your book. I’ve just started reading it, and I can already say it would be a great help to anyone going through a time of discouragement and/or despair. You are totally open and honest with your feelings, to which the reader will relate, and you point them to the One who will go through the trial with them and never leave. Awesome job! Hope you have a great week! 🙂

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  35. This post hit very close to home for me, as I just recently was talking about how I really never talk about my own experience with inpatient treatment for anorexia when I was 14. Thank you for sharing, and lending some bravery and a voice to those who have similar experiences

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    1. Thank you friend. I’m so glad it resonated with you. That shared experience is definitely one that bonds people 🙂 I applaud your bravery and am cheering for your continued recovery, warrior 🙂 big hugs friend xox

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  36. LOVED that . . . thank you so much for sharing your heart. I have a friend who I’ve known since elementary school who struggled with anorexia during high school. I lost contact with her for several years, but she found me on Facebook about 8 or 9 years ago. It’s so amazing to see how God has worked in her life over the years!!

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  38. This was like listening to a sermon at Patreon that I thought God inspired my pastor to write just for me. I need to be a child to God again. I’m trying to remember how, but I feel as though it will be a difficult thing to do. There is so much to unlearn!

    I recall writing in “Beauty and the ED Beast” how I felt for that poor, fragile girl, wanting to wrap her in my arms, kiss her head, and comfort her. I can only thank God that you survived…and have grown since you first started writing!

    I always try to give something back for your efforts, but tonight all I can manage is to say “Thank you” for giving me…um, us…such a great message. A few tears and a fledging resolve from me tonight to try to let so many things go. Not my usual counterpoint or added thoughts to hopefully give back to you tonight. Maybe knowing that you brought a few good tears and small resolve to do better from me will be enough. Tonight.

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    1. Oh gosh, thank you Jeff. That is definitely more than enough. I’m so glad it hit home with you. I can definitely relate to needing to “unlearn” things. Gosh, that is a process I have to work on every single day. Thank goodness for His grace (and patience!) in that area! And what a gift that article you wrote was to me. It affirmed who I was as a person, and made my heart feel so warm. The beginning of a beautiful friendship! 🙂 sending hugs to you and Julie:) xo

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  39. This post brought tears to my eyes. And that may be because it took me back to my first night as a patient at St. Alban’s Psychiatric Hospital, where I was treated for anorexia. For me, it was only seven weeks, rather than three months. And while I feel like most of my days there run together in a blur, that first night was suddenly very fresh and vivid as I read through your account. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. oh friend thank you so much. I so appreciate you sharing your story. yeah the first night is typically a rather emotionally jarring time. I’m sorry this hit so close to home, but I’m so glad that we both grew from that experience and have come out the other side swinging 🙂 praying for your continued recovery. rock on warrior. Hugs and love xox

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  40. I’m so sorry you missed high school graduation. But I went to mine, and it just made me cry. I was saddened to hear you were treated so brutally in the anorexia unit. I was in mental hospitals many times when I was younger, and I don’t remember anything like that. 😦 Of course, in my case, I’d been treated for ODing first, and that’s similarly unpleasant.

    I have felt the same way as you at times: as if Jesus is with me when I need Him. He would never not be there. St. Joan, I believe, requested to see a cross while she was being killed, and her request was honored.

    I’m submitting my novel to agents now–the one about the schizophrenic teen girl in the mental hospital. Suddenly, I have no idea, but I feel it might be possible to find an agent for it. Promise me you’ll read it if I get it published!!

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    1. Thank you Meg. What a kind note. I’m sorry this hit so close to home for you. Wow what a powerful fact about St. Joan. You’re so right – He is always with us, and carries us through those moments. That’s so exciting about your novel. Absolutely!! Sayin prayers for ya! Hugs and love xox

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  41. We are so glad that you had kept crawling out of that valley, as we now have a beautiful gem to behold. Please really go read Ps 119:65-73 to see what I mean, it is Scripture with great meaning to it.

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  43. My dear friend

    During those hard days you had to face you gave birth to yourself, you entered into a new world, a world of love of sharing and caring – the old world was left behind and you were never alone. In the word alone we find: al-one (you are only there) but all-one (one more l was put after your new birth) and you could be aware that we are all One, all connected as all sun-rays are conneted with the sun – no longer you were alone, but allone, all-one. Love is spreading from heart to heart are like waves of the Ocean Almighty and you have tasted this love through Christ. God gives a helping hand, when we sit in deep darkness, not knowing where to go, how to come out of this pain and sends a ray of light, His helping hand. In those dark hours we become humble, old walls break, fall and give way to a new morning, a new life.

    All people who suffered like you may see the little light at the end of a dark tunnel and know that there is hope for everyone as you have proven with your life, my friend. Now you are this little for them…

    From heart to heart
    Didi

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    1. Hi Didi, thank you so much for this beautiful note. Your image of the ocean is so powerful. I am humbled. Yes – there IS hope. Sending so much love and hugs xox

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  45. This was incredibly empowering. I’m checking out your book, wanna see what it’s about and if I can get it. Sometimes shipping here in South Africa can be a major problem… I’ve never mentioned it, but about three years ago my youngest brother tried committing suicide at home. It was horrible and terrifying. I have never been able to completely put that night behind me. Do you have any advise? Also, thank you for sharing these stories, you are an inspiration to so many people. I’m sharing this post on Twitter.

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    1. Oh Chrissie, my heart breaks to hear that. I am so sorry for you loss. I cannot begin to imagine the pain that you carry in your heart. My advice would be honestly to just cry to Jesus. Let it all out. Yell, kick, cry, – give Hum all you’ve got – every emotion. Because He can take it and He cares. And wants to release you from the controlling emotions and sorrow that you’re carrying. Praying for you friend. Sending so much love xox

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      1. Thank you, I really appreciate this. Your blog is a source of inspiration that anything difficult can be overcome if trust is put in the Lord. ♥

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  46. Such a moving and inspirational post. I love the idea of resting in him, like that broken lamb needing the protection and care of its creator. So many of us need that. Thank you for sharing that part of your journey, you are fantastic!

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  48. What a beautiful testimony! You look so much more healthy now. I am so happy that the Lord Jesus Christ saved you from anorexia, and even more. You’re alive, happy, and faithful. Glory to God!

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    1. Thank you Richard. I’m sorry this resonated so personally for you. Amen – He really is the answer. Big hugs to you xox

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