How I Survived Inpatient Treatment for Anorexia

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I want to first just start out by saying how grateful for I am for my wonderful Patreon supporters. You are the reason why I am still able to do this blog. Even just one or two dollars is so greatly appreciated, and allows me to continue to devote the time and energy into this blog. And to everyone else – thank you for reading, for your prayers and for sharing this blog with your friends – that is so generous. And if you want to join the Patreon family, and get access to my daily podcast, Oh What a Beautiful Morning!, as well as podcast versions of my posts, I ask that you prayerfully consider doing so. That would mean the world.

I mention all of this, because this past weekend, during my Oh What a Beautiful Morning! podcast, I was reminded of a very specific memory from my three month stay at inpatient treatment for my anorexia, ten years ago.

I’m going to be honest, sometimes it blows my mind when I think about the life I’ve lived so far. I mean – the things I gone through are seasons that, I honestly don’t know of many people who have had to endure. And my season of inpatient hospital treatment is one of those times.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was adamant about not going. I was supposed to graduate high school in 5 days, but a bed had opened up. It was the best inpatient treatment facility in the country. Christian based. Waiting list months long. And they finally had an opening.

I was barely clinging to life, 78 pounds. I didn’t have 5 days to spare. But I refused to go. And as an 18 year old girl and legally an adult, my parents couldn’t force me. So they staged an intervention.

Long story short, I ended up on a plane the very next morning, flying across the country to spend the next three months at an intense inpatient treatment facility where I would not only have to gain 30+ pounds, but kick a crippling addiction to exercise, silence the manipulative and controlling voice of the eating disorder in my head, reestablish my relationship with food, repair the important relatioships in my life, and rediscover who I am without my anorexia.

I can remember that first day, exactly. Walking into that community room, seeing the nurses, and all the girls with feeding tubes coming out of their noses. It was cold, and sterile, yet trying desperately to feel “homey.” There were couches and big round tables where grown woman were coloring. Yes, coloring. Like children. There were cubbies. And arts and crafts. And books. It was almost as though it was a cross between an adult daycare and hospital.

I had spent the whole 5 hour plane ride anxiously imagining what it would be like. Little did I know…

I said goodbye to my parents at the threshold of that sliding door, and never looked back. I was there on a mission: Get in. Get out. Get on with life.

My feet barely hit the aztec/adobe style area rug, when I was rushed into an exam room by the head nurses. “Strip and step on the scale,” they grunted, as they handed me a paper gown.

Let me tell ya, there’s not much more humbling in life than standing there, shivering, naked with half of my hair fallen out, getting searched – head to toe – for signs of self harm, or sneaking drugs into the facility in my “unmentionables.”

I was weighed. Poked. Prodded. Stuck with needles. Had my vitals taken. And then sat at a school desk where they slammed a lunch tray down in front of me — “Eat.”

Not so much as an ounce of warmth or flash of a smile from these two women.

The whole episode was hauntingly traumatic.

And I learned very quickly that if I was going to survive that time, I was going to need one thing: Jesus.

So now, how did my podcast on Patreon make me think of this?

Well, in the episode, I was reflecting on the verse from Matthew 19:14 ”

“Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them;
for the Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

And it made me think about how we are to have the faith of a child: completely and absolutely trusting in the Father, one hundred percent.

And talking about that brought up this specific memory and image from inpatient, that honestly, got me through.

Growing up, there was an image of Jesus in my mom’s bible study room at church.

It was of this gentle, loving Jesus with kind eyes, holding this helpless little lamb with a broken leg.

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And sitting there at inpatient, completely terrified, and honestly not knowing how I was going to get through three months of facing fear food after fear food, meal after meal. I was alone. I was petrified. And I was hopeless.

And then that image of Jesus came into my head one night. I had to sleep in a cot at the nurses’ station, as they feared my heart would stop in the middle of the night. I only learned later that I was the most severe case they had ever seen.

But lying there, I saw that image.

And it completely changed things.

I envisioned myself as that helpless, broken little lamb. I saw myself as a child – pure and innocent – climbing up into the Father’s arms.

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He was strong. And smelled of clove and cedar, and He held me in His sturdy arms and kept me safe. Protected me. I buried my face into his chest and cried, or yelled, or took deep breaths to calm me down. But sitting there in that cold, sterile environment, I could smell His woodsy, soothing aroma.

And knowing that I was safe in His arms, it was exactly what I needed to get through the next moment of fear or panic.

We all have that inner child inside of us – hidden, somewhere deep in our spirits. We’ve lost sight of it, in all of our shame or regrets. But that child is there, waiting to crawl into the Father’s lap, waiting to be seen and loved wholly – and completely trusting with everything we have, that He will take care of our needs, protect us from harm, and carry us through the storm.

Inpatient taught me a lot. It may not have *healed* my anorexia, per se, but it did give me a lot. It saved my life – put the weight mostly on – but more than that, it awakened in me the need for Jesus in my life, on a daily, moment to moment basis. It provided the setting for me to get reacquainted – or rather, reintroduced – to Jesus: my Savior who forgave me, and gave His life because He loved me that much.

Going back, today, and reading through the extensive journal I kept at inpatient, I can see just how that relationship grew and blossomed. Starting with the decision to climb into His lap when I was terrified and unable to go on. And I’m so glad that I can share those experiences, and offer provocative, guiding questions in my interactive book/journal, Bloom, for others going through their own adversity in their lives.

Because the truth is, we don’t have to go through it alone.

Not only do we have each other, but we have a Father who will carry us in His strong, sturdy arms, every step of the way. Especially when we do not have the strength or courage to go another inch.

Crawl into His lap. He’s waiting just for you.

See ya tomorrow morning on the Podcast!

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A big thank you to my foundational sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy. I cannot begin to express how beneficial therapy was for my recovery from anorexia.  Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

211 thoughts on “How I Survived Inpatient Treatment for Anorexia”

  1. I heard it said once that sometimes a shepherd will actually break the leg of a lamb to keep them from wandering off. That’s what I thought of when I read the part where you talked about the lamb with the broken leg in Jesus arms.

    Sometimes God allows these things to happen in our lives, so that we have no choice but to turn to him. It takes an incredible amount of faith to not only hear that but to believe that. And I think that you have that kind of faith.

    I pray that God will continue to heal you and use you to heal others.

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    1. Thank you so much Ed. Oh wow I didn’t know that about the lamb. What a powerful thought. I think you’re right about that. Thank you for this beautiful encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  2. what a hopeful message. So glad I found your blog. I have been through intense seasons of mental illness. Of course at the time, I didn’t recognize it for what it was because I kept it hidden from everyone else. The Father definitely brought me through it. I could not have made it without him. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. I’m shocked that the staff was so cold and insensitive in a “Christian based” centre!! I’m so glad Jesus Himself acted as your Physician and healed your soul while they took care of your body. And it reminds me that beautiful things came out of the darkest times if we just seek refuge in the Heart of Jesus.

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    1. Yeah, I think they were just trying to establish “who’s in charge” with the new patient. thank you for your kind words 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  6. How beautifully you remember and describe your experience. It was traumatic yet beautiful and powerful and so life changing. How far you’ve come in ten years! Blooming ever since. I’m so proud of your growth. 💓💓💓When you say that you doubt others have suffered as much as you, please remember that every one on this planet is here to learn and grow and that we’ve ALL endured many storms of our own. All of us have felt pain and sorrow and grief at times. I try not to compare one person’s journey as ‘harder’ or ‘easier’ than others. It’s a unique journey we all take, but we are connected in that not human is immune from pain and adversity. We all feel it and hopefully we all grow through our pain. God bless all of us. 💓🙏🏼😌

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    1. Thank you so much Mrs. Zen. it has definitely been a journey, and I am so grateful to God for His healing power in my life! and you’re right – we all are dealt our own adversity. I hope you didn’t think I was trying to “one up” people in the “trauma” department — that was not my intent at all. I empathize with the struggles and challenges everyone endures. 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  8. By the end of this post I was in tears. Thank you so much. I have been dealing with anxiety lately and I needed to be reminded that God is my Father. I had just posed a question on Facebook asking why do we refer to God as He if God is spirit. You have so eloquently answered me with this post. God is my everything. God is whatever is needed to make my soul whole. I appreciate you.

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    1. Oh friend thank you so much! I’m so glad it resonated with you 🙂 I’m sorry you’re going through a tough season. Keeping you in my prayers. Amen – He makes us whole!!! Hugs and love xox

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  9. Everytime I read your entries I have to keep on hugging you!! God has given you a gift that you have become wonderful at sharing. You are amazing and beautiful! x0x0x0x0x0 ❤ ❤

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  10. Thanks for sharing your story! I would say I’m surprised at how cold the nurses were but I’m not. I think they are intentionally cold so you’ll want to become strong so you can stand up to them or strong so you can gain your weight back and get out of there 👋👋. I think it’s a science to it.

    Its funny how God shows up for us in places we wouldn’t expect. But it’s great knowing he’s always there!

    Thanks again for sharing. We all have battles in our lives and knowing God will see us through is comforting.

    I’m glad you made it

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    1. thank you so much friend 🙂 Yeah, i think you’re right – I think they’re doing that, as well as trying to establish who’s in charge 🙂 amen – He really is always there! big hugs to you xox

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  11. Thank you for sharing your story even more. The pain of it all, as well as the comfort of our Savior during those seasons of our lives where are hearts are the most tender bring tears to my eyes. God bless you, and may God continue to heal you and give you greater peace as you move forward with Him. BTW. Happy Belated Birthday! I pray it is followed with many more to come!!! 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much 🙂 it was a beautiful birthday!! I really have so much to thank God for 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  12. I remember climbing into the Father’s lap for the first time. It is the safest place on earth. God bless you Caralyn. Thank you for sharing the beauty you found in ugly places. Lots of love today, L

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  13. Caralyn,

    Thank you so much for sharing your inspiring testimony. It was truly moving. You are so brave to put it “out there” and I hope it helps many people. I enjoy your writing and the word pictures you skillfully paint. Blessings.

    Zik

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  14. What a beautiful imagery. I am not religious, but I learned through recovering from trauma to trust in my higher power as a comforting, loving aspect of myself. It seems very similar to your imagery as an injured lamb. I am so happy you found a way to heal and kick your addiction to exercise! Healing our trauma so we can live a life dedicated to love is a miracle.

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  15. Thank you so much for posting this. I cried here and there as I read it. Life is hard at the moment and your post is a gentle reminder that I need to ask Jesus to help me and to hold me and help me to not be afraid. Often I am a little child, who was never loved or encouraged, wandering through life, never doing what I was born to do. And now I am reminded that He is always with me and I am where I should be and He will take care of everything. He has helped me survive in my life too and now I know He will help me again. Blessings to you. You are truly beautiful, inside and out.

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    1. Thank you so much friend. I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult season. Praying for you. Hugs and love xox

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  18. Thank you so much for your blog. I found it as I was in residential treatment this past Spring and you have encouraged me to keep going in my recovery. I have always loved to write and have recently started my own blog site that I hope will be able to help others the way yours is! #mommystrong https://mommy-strong.com/

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  22. This post and the beautiful image you shared encouraged me greatly Caralyn. One of the best visions God has given me is running and jumping into the arms of Jesus like a little child. There’s freedom in His arms!

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  23. Thank you for sharing this. “And knowing that I was safe in His arms, it was exactly what I needed to get through the next moment of fear or panic.” This line spoke to my Spirit in such a powerful way!!!

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  27. While I was reading this blog, and having read quite few, an image came to me of you hosting a TV show on the Oprah network, with guests who bring all the things you write about to life. I know it would be a tremendous amount of work, but your message could light up some lives that have gone dim.

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    1. Hi Von! Oh wow this gave me chills! Thank you for such an incredibly kind thought! I am humbled 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  28. God continue to be powerfully with you as you walk the road to recovery with Him at your side. Thanks for visiting http//www.lifeistoughbutgodalwaysmakesaway.wordpress.com and liking our newest post. Hope it encouraged you. Look forward to your return visits and comments. Hugs and blessings, Pastors George and Sharon Billington.

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  29. Our struggles always lead us back to God! I thank God that He is long suffering and willing to heal us. As we continue to trust Him and hold his hand, its also great that we gain understanding and an appreciation for the bad and the pain we have experienced. Its great to see how God has restored your smile and that there is happiness exuding from you! Keep being a light! And keep writing!!!!

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  31. Hey there! Love your posts about your journey, I currently work on an inpatient psych ward and I absolutely LOVE to see journeys like this, please keep it up. You inspire others !! ♥️♥️♥️

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