Pass the Vodka – I’ve Got Big News

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

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It’s currently 5pm, and I’m drinking a stiff vodka/soda, because friends… this post…is one of those that I simply cannot believe I’m publishing.

And frankly, I don’t really know exactly how I’m going to go about putting this – but, let’s just dive right in, shall we? ((I’m stalling.))

First, allow me to set the stage.

Anorexia is a five letter “b-word” that rhymes with witch.

*Shakes head…* No, this is the wrong approach.

It’s no secret that anorexia destroys every aspect of a person’s life, from relationships, to the mind, to the soul. But most dangerously: the body. In an effort to stay alive, one’s starving body begins to consume itself for fuel. Muscles deteriorate, bone mass deteriorates, brain matter deteriorates, and the organs are not immune to this deterioration. Which is why people die from anorexia: because the heart is a muscle, and it too, slowly shuts down.

But a girl’s reproductive system is usually the first “to go” when the body is in a state of starvation. The body cannot sustain its own life, let alone bring another into the world. And hence, why women with anorexia lose their periods and have bodies that appear to have “forgotten” to go through puberty.

And sadly, a woman’s fertility doesn’t always come back. Even after healing from an eating disorder, and being calorically and nutritionally sound, sometimes, the reproductive system never fully recovers. Particularly given an acutely severe and extended period of malnourishment.

And well, that was the case with me.

Fast forward to more recent history. You may remember, two Christmases ago, I experienced a miracle: I got my very first period.

I’m not being facetious or exaggerating in the slightest with the “miracleness” of it all. It involved standing under a huge advent wreath, and the annunciation of Mary. Anywho – long story short, I got my period for the first time, ever in my entire life.

A truly candid photo capturing the wreath’s “grace portal”

And it was this huge, incredibly amazing blessing. Praise God, what a gift.

But…

I never got another period again. That was in 2017.

Until…

Last week.

Yep…the night I published my post about “saying yes” to all the opportunities coming my way, and about embracing dating with all my heart…I get greeted by Aunt Flow. Oh the irony of it all.

And if you think I didn’t call my mom at midnight, in a flurry of joyful tears and gratitude, then you’d be mistaken.

Yep – consider this another miracle. Thank you, Jesus.

Sitting here, reflecting on all of this…a) I can’t believe I just shared that with you. But more than the mortification of what I just shared, I am just smiling and laughing to myself at God’s timing of it all.

I mean, I had literally just published a post about finally feeling ready to bring love into my life, and earnestly seeking Mr. Right. And here, God was actually physically telling me that: Yes, in fact, I am now ready for love.

If I’m being really honest, this was something that had really been holding me back from exploring dating. The fact that I had this big issue hanging over my head made me feel, almost dishonest or deceptive, when going into a potential relationship.

It was this “bomb” I was going to have to drop on whomever I was dating, that…I can’t give you children. And of course, I’m not saying this is a first date conversation…but in my mind it was this “baggage” that, quite honestly, kept me from putting myself out there in the dating world.

And let me pause for a moment, to say that – I know that infertility is a painful topic that a lot, a lot of women face. And it is something that, like I experienced, is such a personal, vulnerable issue that causes so much sorrow, and I just want to say — I see you. I love you. I feel what you’re carrying in your heart. And I am praying for you. God creates families in so many beautiful, different, ways. And praise God for that.

This “arrival” last week, was completely unexpected. And joyfully – gratefully – received.

I have no idea what’s going on, but I feel kind of like I’m sitting in a corn field in Kansas, watching as the winds are picking up, and the clouds are gathering in from all directions, and there’s going to be a beautiful, powerful storm of grace and mercy.

My longing for love. My willingness to put myself out there in the dating world. The arrival of my womanhood.

God is working overtime. And I can see the pieces slowly coming together.

I am so excited to see what God has planned, and what’s next in my story. Thank you, God!

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

296 thoughts on “Pass the Vodka – I’ve Got Big News”

  2. Congratulations, Dearie. Your miracle is mind blowing. Love will find you soon. And you’ll bear your own children.

    Relax and watch God do what only He can do.

    Much love.

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  3. God bless you. It is a touchy subject, but one that needs to be talked about. Many women are suffering privately with their health (namely infertility issues) and can use the comfort of knowing they are not alone. Plus, the added idea of “getting older” and consistently being reminded you’re not married or have children is like a stab at the heart. It starts to question your ability as a woman, who desires to have children one day. I believe in a God who is faithful to His promises. I’m so happy for you. 🙏🏼

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    1. Thank you so much! You’re so right, this is definitely something a lot of women carry. Amen to that – God keeps his promises, and He knows our deepest heart-desires. so glad you stopped by, have a beautiful weekend! hugs xox

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  6. Awwwnn…reading this brought tearful smiles to my face. God is awesome and I’m amazed at how he brings the pieces together at his own unbeatable pace. I can totally relate to your story as I await my miracle too. Kisses

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  9. I think that this post was absolutely beautiful, and it left me with a smile on my face about the goodness of God and your faith and willingness to “let be and let God”. I love Bob Goff by the way. But goodness, this is a new season for your life!!! I hope all the best for you and that God will give you the perfect man for you and that you will have many children and a happy life!!!! PTL!!!!!

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    1. oh gosh thank you so much!! amen to that – God is So SO good. Thank you for sharing in the joy with me!! PTL!! hugs xo

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  10. I understand this was pretty hard to share. So personal! But I’m sure there are some of your readers who have the same problem and are thankful that someone was brave enough to talk about it. I’m happy for you that things are coming together for you. One step at a time, eh?

    That’s the thing about any recovery, right? It takes time…often years to recover from disasters and setbacks. Even then we are not the same person as we were. There are scars. But they heal and fade.

    Hugs & love! Jeff

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    1. Thank you Jeff – yeah, I was nervous to publish, but it show the glory and goodness of GOd, so I had to share. And you’re so right – it takes time. You guys have been on this journey with me, so i wanted to share the joy 🙂 Thanks so much, Jeff. Hope you and Julie have a beautiful weekend!!! hugs x

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  11. I wish there was a LOVE button! I’m overjoyed after reading this. God is so amazing! Your transparency is truly a gift to the world.
    “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has
    given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4

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    1. awww, thank you so much Sharon!!!!! I so appreciate you sharing in the joy with me!! I love that verse 🙂 big hugs xo

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  12. I’m so happy for you! I have several friends who have struggled with infertility, miscarriages/stillbirths, or both. Thank you for the refreshing perspective! I myself struggled in a different way – I would sometimes get my period twice a month. It was awful! I turned into a completely different person. I have been on a form of birth control since the age of 12, and it’s made such a difference. However, I don’t judge anyone, either. I have friends who are adamant against birth control of any sort, and that’s fine with me. You continue to be amazing! Thank you for sharing. Have a fabulous weekend!

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    1. Thank you so much Laura Beth! I really appreciate you sharing in the joy with me!! yeah, sadly this is something that too many women have to navigate. Big big prayers for those brave women and couples. You too! have a beautiful weekend! hugs xo

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  13. This is awesome news! So happy for you. Amazing how easy one can take something for granted until it’s taken from you. Thank you for sharing these kinds of things, I know it must not be easy to be so open about it all.

    I had a question about anorexia, I’ve never really looked into the studies of it or known anyone that is/did go through it. But is it the case of your mind is just telling you that you’re not hungry so you don’t eat or is it more like you still get hungry but your mind is telling you that you should not eat because of “X” reason? Or maybe something entirely different? I’m sorry if this is too upfront and please you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to. I was just really curious cause I know how powerful our minds can be.

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    1. Thank you so much!! Yeah scary to publish, but it shows the glory of God, so I had to share. To answer your question, it’s actually not about hunger at all. It’s not about food at all. It’s about control. and a lie that they believe. The food and the weight is just a symptom and a manifestation of what is going on inside. i go into it more in “On & Off the Ice”

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  15. I would love to send you a free copy of my book “For This Child We Prayed: Living with the Secret Shame of Infertility” to encourage you. I had the opposite problem, infertility due to endometriosis. I am a living witness that God can do exceedingly, abundantly, above all we can ask or think. let me know where to send it if you like. Lena

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Lena. I’m so sorry this hits so close to home. Your book sounds so powerful!! hugs xox

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    1. Thank you so much Kethleen!! 🙂 That really means so much. Thanks for sharing in the joy with me! big hugs xo

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  20. Praise God! Infertility is one of the most painful and personal things I minister to as a pastor but I have seen miracle after miracle, in many forms, for those who wait on him in this. God truly does love families and hears our prayers in that regard. We’ll believe and rejoice with you that you just got yoir miracle! (Easy on the Vodka) 😉

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    1. Thank you so much Dan! Yeah, it really is such a difficult road that so many couples have to walk. He really does hear our prayers. Thanks for sharing in the joy with me! bighugs x

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  21. The one thing inherent quality this blog has is that it is as purely honest as it’s author is Beautiful.
    I would imagine that you were blushing whilst writing these few paragraphs; probably just as much as the author of 50 Shades. 🙂

    Yes.. Pass the vodka / wine / even a little G&T, because the manifestation of a miracle calls for a celebration. We are in most sacred of seasons and a miracle should be expected. God is at work and it’s a work in progress. We’re all a work in progress.
    All we should know that Christ came to give us life and life in abundance. This mean every aspect of it.

    As you move forward, leaving the old life behind, walk & treasure in the tiny victories the Lord give you along the way. 😊

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    1. Thank you friend. A celebration indeed!!! God is so good! Thanks for sharing in the joy with me! Hugs and love xox

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    1. Aw, thank you so much Roshonda!!!! that really means so much 🙂 I appreciate you sharing in the joy with me! bighugs xoxo

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  23. We all have that baggage that we feel disqualifies us from knowing love from another person– I, right now, am dealing with that very thing in my relationship. Know that the enemy will try to make you believe you are not worth love or not “put together enough” for love. Period or not, you are precious and Jesus has a plan for your life! Delight yourself in Him and watch what He does, not only in your love life, but in every aspect. 🙂
    Love ya, sister in Christ!
    Annalee

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    1. Hi Annalee, thank you so much for your encouragement, and for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you’re walking a trying road right now. I will definitely keep you in my prayers 🙂 big hugs to you xox

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  25. This was all kinds of appropruate, dont be ashamed! This is a miracle and I’m so happy that God came through for you! It truly is a confirmation of great things to come and I’m so privileged to read about it!

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  27. Beautiful, Caralyn! So good! So good! The Lord loves His daughters, and properly so! And you in particular, and properly so! I wish you many more blessings to come.

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  28. I’m literally crying. Praise be to Jesus now and forever! I’m happy for you and wish you the very best. Sending you #hugs and love

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    1. Oh my goodness, thank you so much my dear friend. I appreciate you sharing in the joy with me!! God is good! big hugs xox

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    1. Hi Laura Aleena! Aw, thank you so much 🙂 I really appreciate you sharing in the joy with me!! Yes! God is so so good! big hugs xo

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  32. Ahh. The body that forgot to go through puberty :(. That is a trial I have to face when I look in the mirror every day. I don’t even know if anybody would ever want to marry me. Not to act depressed or anything, but my torso grew tall and my legs never did… And of course no curves at all. Wondering if I should pray about this since I’m still in my late teens, but is that selfish? Should I just accept and take up my cross? God bless.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Sweet friend I feel you. I don’t think it’s selfish at all to pray about it!! God wants you to cry out to Him. And you’re still in your late teens! Don’t worry, or lose hope, love! — I’m ten years older, and I literally just developed in the last month or so! So it will happen all in good time, when it’s supposed to. But the best thing to remember is that, no matter that your outer self looks like, it’s what’s inside that matters. Mr. Right is going to fall in love with your heart. You are such a beautiful soul – and you were created just the way you are — on purpose! Embrace that God given beauty!! Sending the biggest hug to you, dear friend!! Hugs and love xox

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  33. I can’t know what God has planned for your life, but based on your compelling, honest blog posts, you will make an amazing mom some day. All in His time! Congrats. Happy news and wonderful essay!

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    1. Hi Mary Jo! Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing in the joy with me! You’ve brought a big smile to my face! Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thank you so much Karisa! Yes, He is SO amazing! THank you for your prayers and for sharing in the joy with me! big hugs xo

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  41. There you go again drinking one of these days God will wipe out all the hypocrites I guess that’s why I’m a Christian and you’re a Catholic. I don’t need rituals I have the word it’s my strength I live by it I live in it and live for it. Yes I’ve been mocked. But the opinions of the world don’t matter. Enjoy your vodka and maybe you should stop writing. I don’t think you’re in a condition to give spiritual advice if you’re drinking vodka. Would Jesus drink vodka. Absolutely not he wouldn’t drink anything that any breeds is thinking and its connection with God so why do you?

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  42. Way to go, Aunt Flo!
    It is hard to be transparent and vulnerable with news of the reproductive organs. (I was a bit nervous sharing about my infertility, but had to accept it as my life journey hurdle.)
    May your God-sitings in your life continue in number and may you receive the blessings that dwell in your heart.
    You are being a faithful servant and you are an inspiration!

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    1. Hahah thanks so much!!! I really appreciate you sharing in the joy with me! God is good! Hugs and love xox

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  45. Keep praying and trusting God. I pray He grant you your heart’s desire so you continue rejoice in Him. In the name of Jesus, amen.

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  47. Aww Caralyn I’m so happy for you!! I really hope that’s a sign you’ll soon find the man who will be your husband and father of your children.

    I’m still trying to get my period back after just reaching weight restoration. And I have the same problem as you, I think, how will I explain this to a man? That I can’t have children… not because I’m naturally infertile, but because I’ve made this to myself… So I’d appreciate a little prayer too 😉

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    1. Hi Paola! Aw thank you so much!! I hope so too. And thank you for sharing that – I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Keep nourishing. Keep being patient. The body takes a while to fully heal and to trust you again. I would also suggest to check in with your doctor too. 🙂 hang in there lovie! Hugs and love xox

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  49. Wow!! This is really an awesome miracle. Please pass the vodka, i need my share😂. I’m so happy for you darling. I was smiling throughout the whole post. Enjoy your moment dear. God bless

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    1. Thank you so much Chiqj!! hahha passing it right over 🙂 but seriously, thanks for sharing in the joy with me! God is good! hugs xox

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  50. Congratulations! Continuing to pray for you and your journey towards becoming more and more of who God is calling you to be. 🙂 God Bless and keep on keeping on! You are doing a wonderful job sharing these intimate parts of your life that offer such encouragement to not only those who struggle with eating disorders, but to all of us who struggle with whatever our personal issues may be. God is good!

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    1. Oh my gosh, thank you so much for your prayers and for sharing in the joy with me! God is so so SO good!! big hugs to you xox

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