Finding Myself After Anorexia

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Here’s the thing about life: we don’t get a do-over.

We can’t turn back the hands of time and redo a moment, a season, an era. Time keeps pressing on, and whether we like it or not, how we choose to live our lives is happening right this very minute, never to be relived again.

You see, that’s the dark side of an eating disorder that they don’t tell you. That season of your life, that was spent enslaved to a disease that was actively destroying you…you can never get that time back. You cannot undo the lost years that were spent chained to rituals and isolation and fear and self-abuse.

All you can do is try to move forward with the broken pieces. Which, take it from me, is a very difficult task indeed.

Because you’ve spent that destructive season — that for me, was years long — having completely lost yourself. You no longer know who you are without the disease. You’ve completely forgotten — or rather, it was beaten out of you by the eating disorder.

So the question becomes, how do you return to yourself in a recovered life, if you’ve forgotten who you were in the first place.

Which, honestly, seems like an overly dramatic question that is, “a little much.”

But quite honestly, that has been such a difficult aspect of recovery. Pre-anorexia, I was a girl with dreams and passions, silliness, and compassion. But after years spent obsessing over food, and exercise, and lying, and manipulating loved ones, and keeping this giant web of deceit spinning — by the end, you’ve not only become an emaciated shell of yourself physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially — you’re completely wasted away as well.

So how, then, did I find myself again?

Well, spoiler alert – for a long time, I didn’t. I was like a dandelion seed in the wind — flitting from here to there. I thought I wanted to be a Southern Belle, and went to college in South Carolina for a semester — only to fall back into the eating disorder. That was followed by a season of culinary school where I thought I’d be a chef. Followed by college in Colorado where I thought I would be a sorority girl. Which brings us to my current stage in New York. And during that time, I don’t think I really found myself again, until I was several years into life in Manhattan.

So – coming from the girl who has been trying desperately to find that life on fire that I knew before the anorexia – false starts are part of the process. As is patience, and perseverance. And courage.

But I think if there’s one piece of advice I could give: it’s to go back to your roots. And by that, I mean in a multifaceted sense.

  1. Surround yourself with your “corner people.” You know who these people are. They are the ones that, through thick and thin — literally for me — were always there for you, loving you, having your back, being “in your corner.” These people knew who you were before the eating disorder. And with their help, they can support you as you rediscover that person again. And on that note, if you’re so blessed to have “corner people” in your life, cherish them – they are a blessing of infinite value.
  2. Go back to your roots, spiritually. I’m going to come out and say something that is really an ugly truth: during the disease, the eating disorder becomes your god. You worship at the alter of ED. Idolizing thinness and emptiness, and self. To truly find yourself, you have to find your center again: God. You have to put yourself back in proper priority: under God. Because a life spent in worship of self is an empty, insatiable existence that only leads one place.
  3. Go back to your roots, passions-wise. Remember the things you loved to do, and then dip your toe in. For me, I was a singer before my anorexia. But I literally lost my voice in the ED. Everything about me became small and hollow, including my singing voice. So finding it again, and not being afraid to try was a huge step in rediscovering me. But whatever you loved doing — hiking, painting, volunteering with the elderly, cooking, making up stupid dance routines to Ricky Martin songs ((just me?)) — do them again. Listen to the music you loved before. Watch home videos. Try to tap into that emotional response of things you loved to do.

But here’s the most important thing: yes, go back to your roots to try to recall the person you were before. Do that, but then let it go.

Sounds counter-intuitive, right?

Yes…release yourself from the pressure of becoming her again.

Because here’s the thing: you are a new person. Whether we like it or not, we have emerged out of that pit of hell stronger, having seen and experienced something that – well, changed us. Changed our outlook. Changed our perspective. Changed our thinking.

So the task is then…how will we let that impact our going forward. Will we let that define us, or will we use it to propel us forward into a life of fulfillment and purpose.

We cannot get that time back, lost to the eating disorder. But we can choose to make the most of the second chance we’ve been given. And the more time and distance between you and that season, and the more you dive headfirst into chasing life again, little by little, you’ll slowly realize you’re becoming the “you” you used to be…only with a depth of soul that can only be found by overcoming something that tried to take you out.

You’ll slowly realize you’re becoming the “you” you used to be…only with a depth of soul that can only be found by overcoming something that tried to take you out.

Wherever you are in that process, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. Believe in yourself. Lean on those “corner people.” But more than anything, depend on God. Give it all to Him and allow Him to breathe life back into your spirit.

Because dear warrior, you are worth it.

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

172 thoughts on “Finding Myself After Anorexia”

  2. Hi Caralyn

    Everything you say about anorexia here is true for me right now.

    20 years ago I hit bottom with major depression after my dad died. I’d just started trying to move forward with what I felt I was “supposed to do”. Looking back, I realise I’m not remotely the man I was then, and as I’m nearing 50 now (yikes, really?!?) instead of 30 I’m coming into another new season after a couple of very difficult years. I hope eventually that I will be able to return to writing the way I was loving it a few years ago, but right now I’m not that man any more.

    My pastor advised me to clear the rubble and get back to the foundation of my Faith – because that’s where I’ll find myself. I’ve now been advised to do that four times!

    In my depression I self-harmed and had more than one suicide attempt. The man who emerged from those years was a very different one to the man I was in January 1999 before it all started.

    Unlike most psych illnesses, anorexia has a very distinct physical set of symptoms that are very visible as the illness develops and difficult to hide. I just wore long sleeves and most people had no idea what was going on.

    Finding myself has become much harder as I get older. So much crap builds up over the last vestige of myself that it’s harder each time. Now I’m a dad I don’t have the luxury of losing myself again like that though. I need to be there for my family.

    I love your stories. Thanks for allowing us the privilege of hearing them!

    David xx

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    1. Thank you so much David for sharing your story. I am honored to read what you’ve overcome. And i just want to give you the biggest hug. I think your pastor is right – the foundation of faith. Owning your story and having the strength to talk about it gives you power over it. And praise God for that. You are doing great things. Keep writing. Your story will help and inspire other. So glad you stopped by, my friend. Hugs and love xox

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  3. I haven’t suffered through anorexia, but I do understand that we were created to worship. We will either worship God or something else. There is no middle ground. I suffered from co-dependence for years… My identity was wrapped up in n needing to be needed… Fixing people…creating dependency with other unhealthy people. I too have found freedom though… Jesus… He set me free when I moved my object of worship and dependence back to Him. Thank you for your words.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your heart on this. You’re so right – created to worship. And amen! Freedom through Jesus!! Big big hugs xox

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  4. There is nothing like going through life altering seasons to bring us to more growth and gratitude. I appreciate your transparency, and solid points that lead to our true identity found only in God. I would rather face the fear of future unknowns in the process of transformation, than the fear of leaving the powerful grip of familiar torment. We all have darkness to walk through, but great encouragement and empowerment comes when the one who has experienced the joy of overcoming that darkness, can shed light and love, fueling a fellow sojourner with courage to take the next step of discovery. Thank you for always sharing the truth in love. Blessings ♥

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    1. You’re so right about that, Jacques – growth and gratitude. I love that so much. Amen. Found only in God! Hugs and love xox

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  6. This is so well expressed. I’ve felt similar feelings in my numerous recoveries from depression. Reconnecting with our former selves can be so difficult. But then maybe they are our “former selves” for a reason? We can make a new, stronger self, built from our struggles. Loved reading this!

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  7. So much bondage, so little time. I too would like a do-over. You may have lost your singing voice, but you have found a new voice. I do love your message, and how you tell it. Well done good and faithful servant.
    ;-D an

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  8. I happen to read this the day after the Pentecost celebration. I see a parallel, for those who wish to put recovery into a Christian context. I will have to contemplate that for a bit. – Oscar

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    1. I think you’re so right! Thanks Oscar. Yeah I love Pentecost. Such a power message. Hugs and love xox

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  9. This is good advice for anytime you take a path in life that takes you away from your true self. For me it was a 20 year marriage—I lost myself in trying to single handedly keep it together. When you finally, step by step, get back to yourself, it feels so right.

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    1. Thank you so much Sandra for sharing your story. You’re so right – it feels so right. And little baby step by little baby step 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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    1. Aw thanks Tony – you’re sweet. hmm I have a couple posts where I sang – let me see if I can dig them up.

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  11. I had no clue you attend college in SC for a semester. If you don’t mind me asking, where did you attend? I live in the northwest Corner where everything wreaks of tiger paws. I live just minutes from Clemson University. I’m from Virginia and settled here in SC about 10 years ago. I love it here. I don’t know that I could call South Carolina girls “Southern belles” (maybe in the Charleston area), but it’s hilarious reading about you potentially being one. If a person can be born Southern, I am. Thank you for engaging your audience! I see your interactions on many blogs I follow. You are definitely a bright spot in the blogging community.

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      2. Hi Matthew! I was only there for a semester – i thought it was a good school – Greek life definitely has a huge presence on campus, but I don’t think it’s more of a party school than any other. I think if you’re looking for that scene, you can find it wherever you go. But you can also find pockets of other types of groups too if you look for them! hugs xo

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  12. This hits home for me! I’m a fiction writer and I’ve been thinking about including personal issues like this in my stories. I think this is stuff people want to read about because so many of us can relate. Thanks for sharing your story!

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  13. BBB, I changed my phone number… whoops. So, now I’m having trouble getting back into my blog due to Authenticator thingy. Anyway, to hopefully fix the problem, i made another WP blog and invited myself to be an Administrator on my site, so to speak. Naturally, I accepted the invitation. Lol. Anyway, I’m using my same name and everything, but I’m so confused. More so than usual! Hugs! I’m still here. ♥️ This is Tamara Nika…

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    1. Hi Tamara! Oh gosh that sounds like a headache. Glad it’s all figured out! Thanks for the update! hugs xo

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  15. I’m reading Spiritual Bypassing right now by Robert Augustus Masters PHD, it definitely speaks to what you are talking about. It speaks to me for sure! For many years I have lost my identity in any thing I could distract myself with. Thanks for writing.

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    1. Hi Brian! Oh wow — I will definitely have to look that up! thanks for the recco. And thank you for sharing your heart. I hope you continue enjoying the book. big hugs xo

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  16. Even though I’ve never dealt with an eating disorder, your blog post really resonated with me because the process is the same for so many different situations. I’m transitioning from one phase of life to another right now, and your reflections and suggestions are very applicable to my current situation. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share what you have been through and are living right now.

    As a wonderful little God-wink, I keep seeing references pop up concerning the story of the dry bones in Ezekiel so much so that I wrote about it in my journal. I even wrote that sometimes I feel like those dry bones waiting for the breath of God. Imagine my surprise today as I reached the end of this post and saw that your scripture reference was Ezekiel 37:5!

    Thank you for following the calling of God to be an inspiration to others.

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    1. Hi Rose, wow, thank you so much for this thoughtful response! i am so touched. you’re right – He will breathe life into our bones, and help us to do His will. I have full and total confidence in that! praying for you during this life transition! 🙂 God’s got amazing things in store for you! Hugs and love xox

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