Party of One

I’m sharing a different side of me in tonight’s post.

Life is a long and winding road, and we all can have down moments. And the reality is, I had one of those moments last week. Being single as a Christian in this hook-up culture is really stinkin’ hard. And I found myself caught up in that emotion one night last week, on a walk, conveniently with a journal in my backpack.

So tonight, I’m publishing the unedited entry from that very night. Which – yeah, is a bit bonkers. But I just wanted to share that, it’s okay to have moments of weakness. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to not be strong every now and then. We’re human.

And inviting the Lord into that hurting place, allows Him to work in only the ways that He can, as you will see through the resolution of my journal entry.

God shows up, as He always does.

So with that…I invite you into my heart…so that maybe…just maybe…next time you feel something similar, you won’t feel so alone, too.

Here we are tonight. I’m sitting on a bench overlooking the Statue of Liberty. There’s a warm breeze, the skyline is twinkling its warm amber glow, and I’m feeling completely alone.

It’s funny, you know, the way God allows things to happen, just so. I’m surrounded by canoodling couples, and I just took a walk, and on my route, I passed (coincidentally) the apartments of two men I’ve been romantic with in the last month. (Because, of course, they live on my walking route.)

And as I’m sitting here watching the boats pass, thinking about those gentlemen, what *just happens* to fall out of my journal? None other than concert ticket stubs, VIP wristbands and backstage passes, all from a whirlwind romantic relationship — with a rock star — from when I first moved to NY. I mean, wow. When was the last time I thought about him? Talk about a gut punch. It’s as though God is taking me by the hand and walking me through memories of love, while I’m sitting alone, in arguably the most romantic setting on the East Coast.

To say the fear of ending up alone is knocking at my door would be an understatement. Particularly because the last four attempts at relationships this year ended as soon as they learned of my virginity.

I trust You, Lord, but this is hard, and my hope is failing.

Something came over me to thumb through the rest of this journal. I haven’t written or looked at in ages. And in it I found desperate notes of fear and anguish, from a girl trapped in the throes of anorexia, crying out to God. I read back those words with a lump in my throat, remembering exactly where I was – as though it was just yesterday.

Entry after entry filled with words of a tortured my heart. One I remember so well, ever since that damn eating disorder had its way with me so long ago.

But reading it on the brink of tears, now, God is reminding me where I am right now, reading this in 2019: I made it through. God heard those cries of despair and He rescued me. He heard my cries and answered me. He saved me from that Hell, even when I was at the pit of rock bottom. *How then, can I doubt that He will hear my heart’s plea now?*

I am His daughter. He loves me as a Father and will provide. These fears, this loneliness and uncertainty – it is not unnoticed. It is not ignored. Someday, down the road I will read this back and recognize all that God provided, and how my God rescued me again.

But that doesn’t make it any easier, right now in this moment. It doesn’t ease the sting of tears as I feel alone, undesired and on the outside.

Lord, please bring into my life my husband. Reveal to me the plans You have for my life. You’ve brought me through so much already and for that I am so grateful. Please don’t abandon me now. I want nothing more than to love and be loved. You know that, Lord. It’s been my struggle my entire life. And I’m going to be really honest – it’s hard not to feel really angry at the path my life has taken. Those years stolen by the eating disorder. Years I can’t get back, but more disheartening than that is the lasting impact it’s had on my life from then on. The feelings of unworthiness. The way my heart’s flower has wilted, and how I’ve been terrified to love, feeling completely undeserving of it and inadequate. Why, Lord? Take this broken spirit and renew me, Lord. I lay it all in Your capable hands. I am Yours. I am searching. I am seeking. Perhaps all I need to do is turn my eyes to You? Perhaps in my striving for completeness and purpose, I’ve lost focus on You, and I’ve pushed You out of the equation. Help me fix that Lord. I love you.

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5

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431 responses to “Party of One”

  1. I hope He will bring the perfect man for you soon Caralyn! Being lonely – something I too know too much about.

    • Thank you John I really appreciate that. Yeah, definitely a shared emotion. Hugs and love xox

    • Thank you Brad, I really appreciate your kindness. Scary to publish this one!! Hugs and love xox

  2. Life is crazy, ya know? I went on a solo retreat this weekend, because, well, I had a moment myself, a anxiety attack while at work. As I was on my retreat, I’m big into meditation, I had a profound thought about living in the moment. I was staring at the river, while sitting in my chair, reading my book about some Buddhist teachings, and had a profound thought that I think is appropriate for your post. Rivers don’t have a memory, they just flow. If anything gets in the way, they adapt and keep flowing, even if that path wasn’t what was intended. They don’t go back and try to remember and re-live what rock they washed over, though it certainly did happen, they just keep going no matter what, no regrets.

    • It really is crazy, thank you Peter. Wow sounds like an incredible weekend – there’s something about the water. And you’re right – they just flow. Thank you for sharing your heart. Hugs and love xox

      • It was much needed, my body was clearly telling me it was much needed, lol! I read a really cool blurb on Inner Peace: “As in the ocean’s depth no wave is born, but all is still, so let the practitioners be still, be motionless, and nowhere should they swell. ” It reminds me a lot of the verse in the bible where it talks about being still, steadfast.

  3. “The past might have been like a walk in the park but once your at your best today, your tomorrow shall be a walk with a spark” – said by me, haha 😄. Haven’t trademarked this one too, just came up with it. The world might tell you a lot of things, but what you feel and how you feel at the end is all that matters. Best wishes 🙂⭐️

  4. It is such an unbelievable irony that the thing we save as a gesture of love is the very thing that gets us turned down. Did any of us see this coming when we were younger? I don’t know.

    I’m sorry, C. You deserve better.

    If it means anything, that was an amazing prayer at the end.

    • Thank you Brandon, you’re so right about that – a huge irony. Thanks for reading and for being so kind. You’re a great friend. Hugs and love xox

    • Thanks so much for reading and for your kindness. I think there’s really a shared emotion there. Hugs and love xox

  5. This couldn’t have been an easy thing to share, but I applaud your bravery in sharing it. May God bless you and send you a love that will light your heart and soul.

    Lots of love and hugs, girl! 🙂

  6. Wonderful and honest article.. I’m 100% sure God has a plan and a wonderful person/man for you! Just pray, keep waiting and don’t give up! Just don’t, even when you want to.. keep smiling! God Loves You! ✨

  7. Hang in there girl! God is preparing your husband just for you and maybe you still have some things to go through and he still has some things to go through for you all to be ready for one another. Before I met my soul mate there was a lot of waiting and preparation and I know it is hard to be patient but it is worth it because it will be a forever love. If I had met my husband any sooner than I did I would not have been ready for him because there were things I needed to go through, things I needed to learn, things I needed to experience that made me the woman that was right for him. Be patient and keep looking for the lessons. God will bring him in to your life when and where you least expect it. Blessings on your journey!

    • Aw thanks Tammy, you’re so kind. You’re right – God is preparing him and me! And thank you for sharing your story! God has the perfect timing!! Hugs and love xox

  8. It is stinking hard! My crush I actually seeing another guy.

    I dont understand why these guys dont want a virgin, I dont get that. But keep looking and be patient. If you want to talk or anything let me know the best way to contact you. Seems like we’re both struggling to find that special someone!

    • It really is. Aw I’m sorry to hear that. And gosh thanks for being such a great friend. You’re right!! Hugs and love xox

      • Yeah, I mean its disappointing but I’ll live. It probably didn’t help that I didn’t show any interest but being timid as a guy (especially after being rejected 12 years ago) doesnt help. Many people I talk to doesnt understand how devastating a loss of a potential soulmate but well I’m taking it like a champ so..

        Its not easy for people like us to find someone. Some people think if 2 people are single that’s good enough but then that’s probably why the divorce rate is so high! Sometimes though love happens when you least expect it. You seem outgoing so being in familiar places you might one day come across someone. I want ready for it and it seems like I never am so the best way is to keep a lookout, perhaps that guy is closer to you than you think!

      • Love happens when we least expect it – such words ring true!!

      • Yeah, you just have to keep an eye out. Maybe your guy is just really shy. I missed out because I was too timid around her and she probably thought I wasn’t interested. She very well could have said something to someone but maybe she was too shy herself. Either way I believe it takes 2 but it takes the one to initiate it if the other isnt doing anything about it.

      • I definitely feel that about shyness! Couple that with being super old fashion – it can make things difficult for sure!

      • Yeah, it doesnt work well if both people are too shy. Of course had I had an opportunity and I missed it. If it was any clearer she had an interest in me she’d be the one initiating conversation.

        Being the guy though being timid isnt a good quality. Being rejected is hard, it’s worse when you put too much hope into it.

      • Yeah, well wishing you luck finding your guy. Just keep your eyes open. Sometimes you just need to try putting yourself into their field of vision. It eventually worked for me even though it was too late.

      • Putting yourself into their field of vision – now THAT is something I can take to the bank!!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

      • Lol yeah. I just wished I never put too much hope into this lady 12 years ago. Really messed with my head. It never really healed but maybe one day I’ll get over it.

        Just look your best and keep on the lookout. Itll be better than dating sites. 😁

      • I’m so sorry to hear that. I think you’re right about the dating sites. Saying a prayer for you!! 🙂 hugs xo

  9. Caralyn, I read this and started feeling as I did when I first started reading your entries. I have tears for you. I want to wrap you in my arms, kiss the top of your head, and try to comfort you. Like dads always try to do.

    You know the trials I’ve had, including bankruptcy, foreclosure, and having to move across the country to get a job. It even took my home town away from me! But I don’t think I would ever have started blogging without the trial, which means I wouldn’t have met you. I wouldn’t have started teaching a bible class on Sundays.

    As God – not luck – would have it, Pastor Neugebauer preached one of his best sermons ever yesterday. It was about Jeremiah holed up in a cave on Mt. Sinai just after kicking some Baal butt, calling down fire from heaven. God asked Jeremiah what he was doing there. Jeremiah’s focus went into himself: Lord, I have been jealous for you and now I’m the only one left. Everyone else they’ve killed! And now they want to kill me! Woe is me!

    Jeremiah had a career of spectacular success up to that point, but he was dwelling on the negative, circling the drain that was his naval.

    I do that a LOT! My blog only reaches a few hundred. Very few people come to my classes. I’m thankful for my job but hate it too. I’ve wanted to chuck it all more than once. But Pastor Neugebauer was right; Jeremiah got burned out. We all do. Maybe it’s even a sign that we ARE doing it all right! Doesn’t Scripture tell us to rejoice in suffering? So we take a step back. Vent like you did. Pray. Then run a few more plays, so to speak.

    You are loved. Loved by all the people who visit you twice a week. I know it isn’t the love you crave, but it’s there. It’s yours. 40,000+ subscribers. Two speaking gigs in the fall. A B3 product line. I know it’s hard to relish those things when there’s no one to share it all with, but you have them.

    I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m chiding you, because I’m not. This is all offered from someone who shares your despair, albeit in different veins. If nothing else works here for you, please know that it’s at least offered in an attempt at support.

    And Pastor Neugebauer’s closing line? God loves you as you are. But He loves you enough to not leave you as you are.

    Hope springs eternal!

    • Oh Jeff, thank you my dear friend. That truly means so much. You’re so right – God always knows exactly what His children need, and He gave you exactly what you needed during that season. And you’re so right – it’s God not luck! Oh wow that sounds like an awesome sermon. I would love to have heard it. And yes! There is power in prayer. Thank you for saying that and for your support. You’re such a great friend 🙂 amen!! Loves us as we are!!! Hope you have a great night. Hugs and love to you and your girls! xox

      • Julie and Hillary will be back from Toledo shortly, and I’ll be so glad to have them home. Pastor’s sermons are always archived on our church web site. When it’s uploaded I’ll send you the link. Have a great evening!!

      • That’s such wonderful news. And awesome! Can’t wait to listen! Hugs and love xox

      • Thanks for being vulnerable and honest! Other young ladies need to hear your story because God wants them to save themselves for their husband. Forget the two guys too- they miss out on the blessing of knowing you as person and the love you have to give. God has someone so special for you- I know it! He will lead you to the right mate while you trust Him and wait. Trusting is the hard part but He will give you the strength to continue on!

      • Thank you so much 🙂 I am so touched by your kindness. You’re so right – I’ve just got to be patient during the trusting process!! Hugs and love xox

    • Thank you so much 🙂 amen – He is so faithful – that’s such a comforting truth. Hugs and love xox

  10. This… This right here. Singleness, brokenness, trusting God, or trying desperately to. That was impactful. Exactly where I’m at, feeling unfit for most people and unworthy of those who are left. May God profoundly bless you in his time, and show Himself to you like never before in the meantime. So thankful for your openness, perspective, and utter humility. Also amazing verse at the end! Just wow.

    • Hi friend – thank you so much for your kind words 🙂 that truly means the world — you hang in there too!!! God bless you profoundly as well 🙂 big big hugs xox

    • Thank you Paula, I appreciate you taking the time to read it 🙂 Hugs and love xox

    • Thank you so much Alice for your encouraging words. What a beautiful thought 🥰 gotta keep praying! Hugs and love xox

  11. Beautiful post. xxx The funny thing is…it felt quite as if the only presence you needed in your life was sitting with you on the bench the whole time. 🙂

    • Hi Brooke, thank you so much for your kind words. You’re right about that — He is always with us! big hugs xox

  12. You are beautiful and you hit the nail on the head. Getting back to your first love Jesus will allow Him to steer you toward a man to love and love you. Keep putting Jesus first and trust that He knows better than you what the timing should be. Wait for His “perfect for you”. As always, love you, beautiful! Hugs!xo😄❤

    • Oh my gosh thank you Tonya 🙂 you’re so right – back to our first love. He is who we need to place at top priority 🙂 thanks for that beautiful reminder and for being such a wonderful friend. Hugs and love xox

  13. This was beautiful and heart felt. The seasons that God places us in can truly be overwhelming at times. But we must keep our trust in Him. God told me that “It’s Worth the Wait”. No matter how long it takes, I speak this in faith to you…what God has for you; who He has for you and for me, “It’s Worth the Wait”. Be blessed! Thank you for sharing your heart.

    • Hi friend, thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. You’re so right – worth the wait. What a powerful thing to have heard from Him!! Hugs and love xox

  14. Lonely Christian singles wishing someone would want to mingle haha. I’m pretty much in the same boat. But the Lord is faithful and He’ll bring us our spouses in due time. I’ll say a prayer for you tonight 🙂. Much love and blessings.

    • Haha you’re so right about that Izzy!! Glad this resonated with you:) and thank you for your prayers! Know that you’re in mine too! Hugs and love xox

  15. I love your honesty. I have to head in to work so I am going to flag this to come back and share my heart with you later this week, but please know it is better to wait than to settle (said from someone who got impatient and didn’t wait for the RIGHT one but instead went for Mr. Right Now and spent a decade paying for that choice and now another decade being divorced in a Christian culture that finds having babies without marriage more acceptable than getting married and divorced). I have some things I’d like to share based upon what you said, not in a preachy “I have the answers” way but in a “Hey, here is what I’ve learned since I have embraced my singleness and I think it would have helped me when I was your age and pre-marriage.” Caralyn, please never stop being you. You encourage me for our future – and that’s saying a lot because these days it’s really hard to see that hope AND faith in people truly wanting to change the world, change themselves, and make every day more beautiful!

    • Hi Shell! You’re on a reading roll!! Thank you so much for this beautiful response. And thank you for sharing your story and your wisdom. It is of great encouragement to me. Yes! We have that power to change the world – God can do incredible things 🙌🏼 big big hugs to you xox

      • I read them when they come out but I read them from my phone. I don’t like commenting from my phone because I tend to make spelling errors and typos so I tend a comment all at once. Tonight was one of my commenting nights and then I realized I had to leave for work.

      • Gotcha. Well, I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to do so!! have a beautiful night! hugs xox

  16. Dear Beauty:
    I understand and appreciate your lament. The desire to find that one true love and bond forever is a holy and righteous desire. God ordained marriage as the foundation for families. When entered into whole heartedly, the both of you become one in purpose and a blessing to each other.
    I too have lamented from time to time that I have never had loved returned to me with full intent. Alas I became a monk 10 years ago because I lost hope a righteous woman would be found for me in this life.
    I promise you, as long as you stay faithful and true to God, He will ordain these trials to be counted to you for a righteous sacrifice, showing, with real actions, your faith and devotion.
    You are a daughter of God, and He will refine you.
    Any Worthy man would be honored to have you be his wife.
    Perhaps, when Shiloh returns, and the concerns of mortality are no longer an issue, You and I will finally be rewarded for enduring to the end.
    Peace be with you sister…you are worthy

    • Hi Olavson, thank you so much for this beautiful response. I so appreciate you sharing your story. What a powerful vocation you have embarked upon. You’re so right — He uses everything for good – even our trials. Thank you for your lovely encouragement. Hugs and love xox

  17. I am your one of your regular visitors as you are one of mine.
    I do not read all your posts but it always happens that there are some posts that just seem to shout out, “Read me.” And this is one of them. I am feeling exactly the way you do although we are years and places apart. For all the blessings in my life, there are still moments I feel like, “Lord, are you for real? Do you even care that I would drown in the storms of my life? Or, that you even care for me?”
    Coincidentally, today’s Gospel is about the apostles being dead afraid in the middle of a squall and the Lord was asleep. They woke him up, terrified. And he rebukes them, “Why are you terrified, O you of little faith?”
    You will find him as I know I will find and feel his presence again.
    Peace be with you, my friend.

  18. These are your psalms … the words accompanying the music in your heart. Is there any doubt He’s listening and, even when it feels impossible, making extraordinary life changes for you behind the scenes? – tsk

    • Thank you so much Tony, gosh, I am touched by your generous words. I think you’re so right – God is the master of behind-the-scenes miracles! 🙂 hugs xox

  19. Isn’t it beautiful how the moments of despair in our journals turn into heartfelt worship. This was a great post. So beautiful and honest. Looks like God is with you all along ❤️🥰

    I recommend reading Joel 2… he will restore the years the locusts ate

    Isaiah 43 …. forget the former things. A new thing is springing forth. Can you not perceive it? He will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

    • Oh wow i absolutely love that verse, thank you for sharing it. I think you’re so right about that – God is always with us, even when we can’t see it. Thanks for your encouragment. hugs xox

  20. Caralyn, this post was so touching! I can also identify with you, though I’m divorce for 15 years now. I’ve had a couple painful breakups since then. But just know this, ONLY a true Christian man will appreciate your faith and your virginity, so don’t compromise. My thoughts are to circulate where they hang out, but knowing they he can be

    • Hi Giselle, thank you for sharing your heart and your story. I think you’re so right about that – compromise is not an option. 🙂 And what perfect advice — circulate where they hang out. i absolutely love that!!! thanks for being such a positive light!! sending big big hugs xo

    • Hi Kim, thank you so much for your kind words. 🙂 I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers! Our men are out there! God’s preparing all of our hearts in this moment!! 🙂 big hugs xo

  21. Oops…anywhere when you least expect it. But these Christian men hand out serving others, in Christian conferences, at church gatherings, church groups, etc. Your feelings, your loneliness, and your regrets are totally normal. God knows all that, and being real with him is what touches His heart of Grace the most. ❤️

  22. What you seek is within you. Pat and I knew in our first date we were meant for each other and just when with the flow – we were hippies after all.and love was and is all. Nothing He created is “sinful” or forbidden.or unclean.. Take heart from this citation on our grave marker:
    Hebrews 1:10-12 King James Version (KJV)
    10 And, Thou, Lord, in the beginning hast laid the foundation of the earth; and the heavens are the works of thine hands:
    11 They shall perish; but thou remainest; and they all shall wax old as doth a garment;
    12 And as a vesture shalt thou fold them up, and they shall be changed: but thou art the same, and thy years shall not fail.

    • Wow, thank you for sharing that. What a beautiful connection between you two. I love that – love was and is all! amen !! and thanks for passing along that verse! big big hugs to you xo

  23. I use to keep a journal that I would write in every night. Sometimes I was happy mostly not. When I read those now it’s hard to believe how sad I was. We do get better with God as you can see.

    • So true – God takes all those big emotions and loves us through them, even when we can’t see it happening. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

  24. I have heard this prayer from so many. Being honest and humble in coming to Him is exactly what you are doing & need to continue to do. There’s no “easy button” when putting the kingdom first. We do live by faith, even when the visual isn’t there…for now. Hang true. -Alan

    • thank you Alan – you’re so right about that – no easy button for sure. But amen — living by faith is the best way to live! so glad you stopped by! big hugs xox

  25. Very raw and honest words, may the Lord provide you with trust and patience while you wait and may you be blessed by the Lord bringing along the man HE has chosen and prepared to be your husband.
    I had waited and felt hopeless wondering where was the man who was meant for me. And the Lord did send him along, so take heart.
    Sending you love and hugs ❤️🤗

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement and for sharing your story. It gives me great hope. I definitely do trust that He will send him along. I’m just getting impatient haha. Thanks for being so wonderfully kind. Hugs and love xox

  26. He has you, Caralyn! I am a firm believer that all good things happen when we give up everything to Him. Let His will be your guide. Many hugs to you.

    • Thank you Amy, I love that truth so much – when we hand it over, it allows Him to do His best work!! Thanks for this beautiful reminder. Grateful for you!! Hugs and love xox

  27. Ah, Friend! Reading your post got me thinking. I feel that I am sort of in the same place, too. Waiting on the Lord, not knowing exactly what His Plans are, but trusting that He is GOOD and His ways are perfect. It’s hard to trust, wait, and be still, but friend, He is working in the waiting. Keep your eyes and heart on Him, and trust that He truly does have the rest figured out for you.
    Thank you for being so raw and vulnerable. I needed this.
    A sister in Christ,

    • Hi Annalee, thank you so much for this beautiful response. I’m glad it resonated with you. You’re so right – He is working in the waiting! I love how you put that. How true and how beautiful!! So grateful you stopped by tonight. I really appreciate the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

      • Thanks for the response! I just felt led to let you know that my prayer for you is that the man you’ll be with loves Jesus even more than he loves you, and that you both together can love Christ and work for His Kingdom together! It’s important that the both of you work well together as a couple for the Kingdom, if that makes sense. God’s got this 🙂

      • And I hope that prayer doesn’t sound too harsh. But a man who loves Jesus more than you will be a man who understands how precious it is to have a wife and helpmate, and will cherish you as you deserve. <3

    • Thank you Lisa, that means a lot 🥰 you’re right – He really does!! Hugs and love xox

  28. Just wanted to thank you for sharing…my journals were filled with such passionate scribblings before I met my husband, and sometimes still are! 😉
    Also wanted to remind you, despite the lonely feelings, of how much you already love and are loved. You impact so many! Your broken-open vulnerable heart grows more able to love each day!

    Keep your hope up, and keep looking for ways to find meaning, joy and connection with those you already love today.

    If you need some cheerful reading, I highly recommend “The Happiness Advantage”…which humorously but scientifically explains to readers that happiness is not the result of success, of whatever kind, but the CAUSE of it! Our perception really changes our future…so here’s to joy, today, as things are, and in the bright future to come. Worth reading!

    Huge hugs, sweet sister!

    • Hi Anna, thank you so much for this beautiful response. I am truly so touched 🙂 And you’re right – despite how I may feel, the truth is that I am loved by a merciful and loving Father who has my best interest at heart. Thanks for the wonderful encouragement. And I’ll definitely check out that book! Thanks for the recco! Hugs and love xox

  29. Wow young lady I so understand your feeling ,most important God understands, Hebrews 4:15, Just as god is preparing you he is also preparing the one who will love you unconditional as he does keep your focus on God.

    • Thanks Bonnie. 🙂 Haha yeah a bit bonkers to publish such personal stuff 😂 Thanks for reading!! Hugs and love xox

  30. “It doesn’t ease the sting of tears as I feel alone, undesired and on the outside.” Don’t take this the wrong way but this passage made me believe you were trying to validate your worth in all the wrong places.

    It’s always going to be a fight to remind yourself that you are worthy as is without a certain number on the scale or relationship status to validate you. It’s easy to fall into those lies because it makes us feel in control of how we measure up instead of just trusting how special and favored we are. I get that it’s a vent, a moment of weakness. But remember you are strong and enough and the person you are meant for will take every part of you and cherish it. In the meantime though, make sure *you* are cherishing you.

    • Thank you for this profound insight. I appreciate it very much. You’re right. It’s easy to fall into those lies. Got to remember His truth! Hugs and love xox

  31. Great entry. I sympathize. I am a slow to warm kind of person and so ive had as many romances in some years as youve had in some months. And thats ok–as you say, comparison is the thief of joy, just saying that I sympathize. One of the ways I console myself when I feel lonely is to think that God has a satisfaction for all desires in our hearts. And in my heart is a deep desire for family. So i think about how such waiting will one day be satisfied by such Joy! The virtue of Hope fills me with excitement for the future God has in store for me. My end of the bargain is to purify myself, cultivate patience. Grow in holiness so my future wife will meet me at my best–or as near to it as i can achieve through the grace of God. So just remember that the deeper your desolation in waiting, the greater your joy will be when God brings you satisfaction. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep fighting the good fight.

    • Thank you so much Scoot for sharing your heart. That’s so true – the greater the joy will be. What hope and comfort in that. I really appreciate your prayers. Know hat you’re in mine too, friend! Hugs and love xox

  32. I completely understand. I’m there almost once in a while. God knows we find this cross heavy to bare. God has our husbands walking towards us. It’s coming together. Praying with you.

  33. Oh Caralyn, so wish I could give you a hug. Thanks for sharing a vulnerable moment and for trusting us with it. I think it’s so important for people to see glimpses of our pain, yet that we also choose to give it all to the Lord because we know His hands are big enough to carry it.

    You are a beautiful person, and I really believe you have the heart of a lion. It can’t be easy living as a virgin in this culture in NYC, and the fact that guys have rejected you because you weren’t willing to surrender something so precious for their pleasure tells you that God was protecting your heart and saving it for someone who will cherish it. I just know He has a wonderful man in store for you. You deserve nothing less.

    All my best,

    • Hi Adrienne, thank you for the hug and compassion!! You are spot on with that!! His hands are big enough to carry it! And gosh what a kind thing to say. I really appreciate that beautiful encouragement. Yeah – it’s a bit difficult to say the least, especially in nyc. Sending you big big hugs xox

  34. Thanks so for sharing. I know God’s got someone for you out there. I feel the same way a lot of the time. I love your blog and I appreciate reading about another believer’s life and experiences. Keep being you! 🙂

    • oh gosh thank you so much Sabrina! you’re too kind, i appreciate the encouraging words! hugs xo

    • Hahaha oh gosh…that is something I have vowed to never tell!! Maybe someday over a strong glass of wine 😂😂😂😂

  35. My dear friend

    Allow yourself patience and stop searching, this is my first advice to you – when we want something badly with all our will, it often does not work in this way as we want it, my friend. The best comrade, friend, father is God for you – He knows your heart and what is best for you. Do not think you are old, love is coming on tiptoe, sometimes really surprisingly – and this happens even in all ages – even when we are old eros can shoot his arrow right in heart of two persons, uniting them – Maybe you think you can be soon too old for getting children as you possibly want to have a family – do not worry, this is all in His hands – He is the Doer, not we – He arranges everything and if it lies in your fate even not to have children and a family – you always have Him in your heart, the biggest treasure one can have. But I pray for you that your longing for a right man will come true – so have patience with yourself. Because you have overcome this terrible eating disorder and God has helped you with it, keep this happiness always with you – I have also a friend, he is lonely and is also now in an older age, he always wanted a family, a good wife that fits to him, but he never found – now he is also happy and understood that it was not in his fate to have a family: instead he enjoys the small things in his life and is thankful to God for all that He has given him.

    I embrace you in my heart

    • Thank you so much Didi for this beautiful encouragement. You’re so right – He knows my heart and what is best. His timing is perfect and I just have to trust that everything is going to end up the way it’s supposed to. And thanks for sharing about your friend. God is good. I trust that’s. Thanks again for being such a wonderful friend. Hugs and love xox

  36. I needed to read this with some of the things on my mind tonight… thank you for sharing. I feel like I have so much more to say, but I don’t want to put it all out there on a public site, and you’re probably too busy for a private message. Hang in there, and keep your eyes on Jesus.

  37. Christian concerts, those young men go to church, love the Lord and even more amongst the crowd as well…rock stars are rarely going for Christian women, ever., at least not for commitments. They have images to keep in that world and their managers and other band members won’t be for you. 99% truth. All because you are a follower of Christ. Not because you’re not good enough. There’s no sense hoping for the 1% … Country yes more likely in that genre. More than this I pray you are looking at whomever it is or who ever comes your way through the eyes of Our Father. A blindfold sometimes would do us all good when we meet the opposite sex. As women we tend to look on the outside before realizing too late there could be nothing on the inside. That it was all for the numero uno thing on the man’s mind (this works the same for men and unsaved women). Its a jungle out there, so try to stay under the Fathers umbrella. The grass definetly is an illusion of green on the other side of life without Our Savior. when we are young we tend to believe God could not possibly choose the right one for us so it’s hard to release those reigns. Reasons why we look outside the church group of fellows. We think it’s ok to mingle with the worldly. We are a peculiar people set apart from the world. I have wanted to tell you for quite awhile that you are looking for love in all the wrong places :-). Thankfully you wrote this and since I have read pretty faithfully your blogs I was happy to see a few commenters tell you where you should be looking. You are loved. You are single and just in the wrong places. Like an orange in a world of apples…find friends who know friends who go to churches around you that love the Lord. Christian Colleges probably know of groups and activities as well as other Churches and yes Catholic churches in and around your area….Let God show you what He knows about you. Since He knows the number of hairs on your head. 🙂 you are sweet inspiring and you are Not Desperate! Heeehe! Love and prayers
    From a silent faithful reader.

    • Hi Victoria! This is such an awesome comment thank you so much! I’ll have to check out a Christian concert!!! And you’re right — we need to see below the surface into the heart. Amen – let God show me what He knows, and let Him guide my path. I am so encouraged by your heartfelt words. Thank you dear friend. You are a blessing to me. Hugs and love xox

  38. That’s the thing about journals. They help you tell a complete story, from start to finish. And the finished part is when God comes through, and He always does, because He is Alpha and Omega! This moment of solitude is the soundtrack for your testimony. He did it before, with anorexia, and He’ll do it again. Job 42:2.

  39. What a beautiful post! So courageous and brave of you to share your heart with those who may be sharing the same emotions and struggles. Praying God will bring the man he has aside for you in his perfect timing! In the meantime may you lean on and fall more in love with our savior also praying he keeps the voices of Ed at bay! Hugs and blessings! ❤️

    • Thank you so much for your heartfelt response. I so appreciate your prayers! And amen – falling in love with Jesus is truly paramount!! Big hugs to you xx

  40. Caralyn, thank you for sharing your personal feelings. I think we all have those moments. It is so good to leave it all in the Lord’s “capable hands.” Sometimes, the best gifts take longer to manifest. God puts desires in our hearts and gives them to us. Proverbs 37:3-5 will encourage you. “Keep trusting in the Lord and do what is right in his eyes.
    Fix your heart on the promises of God and you will be secure, feasting on his faithfulness. Make God the utmost delight and pleasure of your life, and he will provide for you what you desire the most. Give God the right to direct your life, and as you trust him along the way you’ll find he pulled it off perfectly!” Love and hugs! XOXO

    • Hi friend, thank you so much – you’re so right – the best gifts are worth the wait!! Thanks for the beautiful encouragement – trust Him indeed!! 🙂 songlad you stopped by. Hugs and love xox

    • thank you so much for your prayers! Gosh, that just touches my heart – means a lot. hugs xox

  41. It took me a year in recovery to learn that surrender not only meant giving up in the fight to have something, but expecting God to provide the power and the strength to walk away from it. In surrendering life on my terms, room was finally made for what He had in store for me, which has been more than I imagined.
    This isn’t prescriptive, just a thought. God bless you.

    • Expecting GOd to provide the power and strength to walk away from it. Oh wow, what a powerful truth. AMEN. Thanks for sharing that. big big hugs xox

    • Thank you Frank, i appreciate your kind words. I definitely believe that! Hugs and love xox

  42. You are worth so much more to our Lord than you think. We all have an enemy of our soul who works through our sadnesses, if he can, to destroy our precious relationship with God. Christ won’t let him. You mustn’t either. The future is brighter than you think. Praying for you in Morning Prayers. X

    • Oh wow, thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. YOu’re right – brighter than I could think. Thank you for your prayers this morning. means the world. hugs xox

  43. Hello,

    You are an amazing soul. Your stories bring hope into my life. I always get new strength to carry on every time I read them. I believe God has prepared the best man to be by your side.

    God loves you.

    With blessings,


    • Oh my gosh thank you so much Angelica, what a kind thing to say. I am so glad that they resonate with you. I definitely trust that He is preparing him and my hearts at this very moment. So glad you stopped by. Big big big hugs

  44. I know God will give you your heart’s desire because of your faithfulness and trusting heart. He loves you! You are on the absolute right track putting God in charge of this. Prayers and hugs.

    • Hi Sherron, thank you for this beautiful response. Yes — He is definitely in charge! 🙂 Appreciate your prayers so much! hugs x

  45. This post really resonated with me. I want to share a piece of advice which helped me, and I hope will help you too.

    If they can’t accept your choice to wait, they aren’t worth your time or heart. When you meet someone who is right for you, they will love you for YOU, this includes your choice.

    I for one am looking for a woman who makes that same choice like you. So stay brave, and keep going on your path. We are all rooting for you!

    With love and warm regards

    • Hi Havoc, I’m so glad this resonated with you. And wow what powerful advice. Thank you for that tidbit of wisdom 🙂 big hugs xo

  46. Yeah I don’t understand the “breaking up due to being a virgin” mentality of these guys. But thank you for sharing as so many of us feel just the way you do! But you will find a quality man who follows Jesus- I just know it. I feel a lot less alone after reading this article.

    • Hi Christie, thank you so much for your kind words – I’m so glad it resonated with you. I trust He’s got this! big hugs xo

  47. Once again, those words right from your journal are words I can totally relate with.
    I believe that this period in our lives are processes to build character and so we can encourage others with the comfort we have received.

    I know that soonest, you will pick up that journal and read the words again, but this time in gratitute for God has answered you.

    Thank you for being vulnerable, for being open and sincere…. God bless you dearest.

    • Hi friend, thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so glad this resonated with you. You’re right – character building times! God is good! big hugs xox

  48. Caralyn, My heart goes out to you. It will be worth the wait when you meet the right man. Please Lord, guide Caralyn to meet the right person. Strengthen her faith and fill her with peace. Thank you for blessing her. In Jesus name.

    • Thank you so much Susan for your kindness. You’re right – worth the wait. And gosh, thank you for such a beautiful prayer. I am very touched. Amen. hugs xo

  49. I pray that God will bring you a holy and righteous man into your church. That he will fall in love with you and respect your virginity. That he will be a peaceful man sober in everything and respectfully a delight to your soul. I pray that above all else he seeks God first and honors you second. May it be so. Amen.

    Most of the men in this world right now are looking for hook ups and it is even those who say they are not. It can be heartbreaking but I know you want a man of God because your faith is so strong…you will be very unhappy if unequally yoked.

    Hold out for God’s best. Keep your heart and eyes open to his leading.

    • Hi Kate, thank you so much for your beautiful prayer and words of kindness. Amen 🙂 You’re so right — hold out for God’s best. I trust that He is working behind the scenes. And yes — eyes open all the time!!! so glad you stopped by. thank you again, my dear friend. hugs x

  50. Here’s what I think it comes down to. Not worrying about being alone because learning to be able to be completely alone is a beautiful thing and there is where we can find God’s omnipotence within ourselves; not being afraid of the dark or being completely alone, we can then understand how important it is to learn to love ourselves which will give the true capacity to love another just as we should. Many individuals spend a lifetime running from themselves or their shortcomings thinking if they can hold someone close then they will be satisfied and whole; but that is placing a burden on another that can’t be met with success. Being at peace with who we are will then open ones’ heart to another who can do the same allowing that union to expand and grow each passing moment together; two souls at peace and on equal footing with a true inner strength that only comes from God; that is what you must find first when ALONE!
    This is from my humble heart that took so many years to fully appreciate and to become humble enough; but in relation to God it was happening in the mere twinkling of an eye!

    • Hi Lawrence, thank you for this powerful perspective. You’re so right – there’s a lot we can gain from this solo time in our relationship with God. He will bless His children, and I can trust that! big big hugs to you xo

  51. You have so much courage to share these deep feelings! Here’s something I have learned about myself and loneliness – is that it’s a temporary feeling – and I can feel lonely even if I’m not alone, just as I can feel connected when I am alone. Of course, we all have our moments of fear of the future. I made a hasty decision to pursue marriage a few years ago. I had an agenda. I needed a husband. And let me say it was a disaster because I forced it. Enjoy the season of being single – it is sure not to last long as you are doing what you feel God is calling you to do. Thanks for inspiring us!

    • Thank you so much my dear friend 🙂 And wow – what powerful advice. And thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry it’s been difficult. Definitely keeping you in my prayers 🙂 sending so much love and hugs xox

  52. To quote Rich Mullins, a contemporary Christian singer from long ago, “Loneliness is part of our existence.” Being married doesn’t cure this loneliness, our hearts yearn for God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. In September my Sweetie and I will celebrate 27 years of married life, I love being married to him. There are, though, moments of loneliness, particularly when I keep some of the deep things from him. While I do keep some of what I struggle with from him, he knows, and prays for me.
    In my late teens/early twenties after dating two guys who weren’t it, and taught me a lot about who I am, and what I want/need in a relationship I decided to be single. For me this was a really good decision. God allowed me the opportunity to experience friendship with the guys I was around and led me to my Sweetie. We were friends for more than two years before we married.
    Miss Caralyn please know that I’m praying with you for that special guy to enter into your life and become your spouse. God bless you.

    • Hi teri, thank you so much for your kind words 🙂 Gosh, congratulations on 27 years! that is really something to celebrate and it gives me great hope. Thanks again for sharing your story – you’re righ t- God allows those opportunities for a purpose. Thank oyu for your prayers, my dear dear friend. hugs xoxo

  53. I teared up reading this…we could have had the same journal entry (with different details…a different battle, and no rock stars in my belt haha…but the same emotions, perhaps).

    I am feeling “nearly 40” and turning down offers from married men, homeless men, and those just looking for one night. Makes it hard to see the quality in myself when those are the men seeking me…BUT…

    I have posted on my wall a concert ticket that my neighbors gave me to join them a few years ago on the same day that I broke up with a man who offered to give me the world in art and music and entertainment experiences if I went with him but who wasn’t good to my heart and spirit. It was as if the Lord was saying through their gift, “I can give you those things too.”

    AND, just a couple weeks ago, after watching a feel-good romance that made me sad when it shouldn’t have, I walked alone out to my car, and the most delicate sunset, nearly dark but enough light to have incredible colors I’d never seen before… I stopped and caught my breath at the beauty and thought I heard Jesus whisper, “See how I am romancing you.” And we drove away into the sunset together… 🙂

    It is hard. But there are good things too…and “it is better to suffer for doing good than to suffer for doing evil” (1 Peter 3:17).

    Thanks for sharing, and thanks for letting us all reply. (The second for me would be the hardest!)

    • Thank you so much for this heart felt response. I’m so glad it resonated with you. ANd thank you for sharing your story. Wow — what a beautiful experience — you’re spot on – He’s romancing us. big big hugs xox

  54. Thank you for your raw honesty, Caralyn. You touch so many hearts with your transparency and candor. I prayed for you, for God’s will in your life to play out, bringing you the greatest joy, and for God to overflow and envelop you in his perfect peace as you wait for his will to be revealed. It’s hard. Terribly hard sometimes. But just know that while we are in a waiting pattern, if we keep our eyes on him, if what we wish for with all our hearts is not what he wishes for us, he will change our hearts to align with his and we will have peace and joy in his plan. I pray for this beautiful, perfect peace for you, sweet friend, for I know you are his Beautiful Beloved, and his plan for you is PERFECT, no matter what or when that may be. Sending you a big, warm hug <3

    • Hi Mindy, thank you for this beautiful response. I am touched by your kindness, and gosh – thank you for your prayers. that means the world. You’re right – eyes on Him and that’s what leads to peace. Very encouraged after reading this. Thank you my dear friend. Big big hugs xox

  55. Hi, I just wanted to say that I know God hears your ache. I think when we go through these lonely times He is trying to show us something about ourself. I believe there is a lot of depth to you, which is obvious, but there is even greater depth that God wants you to see. You are way too special for just any joe-blow. Just hold on a bit longer and God will give you all things plus more 😊

    • Thank you so much Shani, for your kind words. You’re so right – He’s revealing something. I just need to trust!! Such wonderful advice. I’m very touched 🙂 big hugs to you xox

  56. I found this on the Centered Prayer with Cynthia Bourgeault and friends page this morning and felt it would speak to you.
    “its God’s fault… So giving.. no strings attached.. when do we notice the air that we breath. Every breath arrives on time just like Spring. Every heartbeat arrives on time every time until it doesn’t. What a grant to be willed into existence and maintained whilst we live. It is the disease of our culture and times to take what is a Grant and take it for granted and miss Christ pulsing through out veins. The attitude of gratitude is a humility that begins with a capacity for non-identification with self identity. Which is the pathway of putting the mind in the heart. the heart is not afraid of finding itself in the infinite only the head questions it. earth anagrams to heart maybe this is clue to marrying heaven on earth through the way of the heart just like Christ Jesus did for us all..”

    • Oh wow – this is so powerful, thank oyu for sharing that with me. I love that — the attitude of gratitude — and i love this: every breath arrives on time. amen! hugs xo

  57. Carolyn, Christie is right in what she said here and those guys are looking for the wrong things in a woman; they are not worth engaging in any intimate relationship with because they are not committed to all that is true and right! They put the cart before the horse and think they have a right to take the car out for a test drive and that is just plain dumb ass, ignorant and wasteful when it comes to a human being and child of God! In reality that is using and abusing or thinking that a person is like an object to be used and when tired of it move on to the next conquest or what’s AVAILABLE! Quality only comes through perseverance, discipline and dedication. Use your insights and wisdom that God has given to you and continues to as you grow in your appreciation of Him; then all else will come into alignment with that, the other way around is folly and contemptuous which will only lead to sadness and misfortune! We all must remember not to just cast our pearls into the mire; the ways of the world are crooked and mired with trouble but the path to righteousness, love and peace are straight and narrow! Peace to you, Christie and all other likeminded Ladies! God Bless!

    PS I also want to emphasize again that going on a hunt or expedition and expecting to find the right one is also not putting total confidence in Him our Lord and Father in Heaven. We can be anywhere doing whatever we are doing and suddenly God will provide what it is we need and pray for, keeping busy doing what we should be doing while making use of our gifts that God gives to us is the best starting point of our entire life journey and having all that it should contain!


    • Hey again Lawrence! Cart before the horse indeed. Thanks again for this perspective. Grow in appreciation for Him -that’s an awesome way to spend this season!!! big big hugs xox

      • Yes Ma’am Carolyn! Ya know with me that old expression or analogy goes back to my parents and grandparents always instilling some simple truths or principles in my head. I always liked that one, but I have never seen anyone actually put a cart before the horse and I dare say anyone that would; sure wouldn’t be going anywhere in any hurry or anytime soon, LOL! But, I figure whoever first came out with that expression or idea was making it clear that there is a right way to do things, and no denying it! Maybe that was the one person who tried it and warned the rest of the world! 😉 Bear Hugs, back at ya! 🐻

      • They sure do hold their value and stand the test of time; words of wisdom never die, just like a fine wine they grow better with age! 🦋 🍷✝

      • Well I get lucky once in awhile! Heck, I wouldn’t have made it this far without Jesus; and a fair sense of humor if you catch my drift! 😂

      • You’re so kind! I wasn’t that funny, looking yes but anything else, ehh! I guess we can take it a grain of salt; maybe some pepper too? Don’t mind a bit of Mr’s Dash as well! A dash on a Dish; yummy! 😜

      • Oops, see what I mean; I’ve been known to mess up an easy laugh, this time me being too sleepy and having crummy typing skills; it’s Mrs. Dash! But like any work of art beauty is in the eye of the beholder and many a work of art, some of the best incorporated some accidents or even mistakes into the completed work! I wouldn’t have thought to mention “Panko” if I didn’t have crummy typing skills and I love my Panko seasoning with many a fine Dish! Just so you know I’m not totally kidding or “off the wall;” that is debatable but still I meant it; on my Sea Scallops!!!
        Bon Appétit 😋 🥘

      • Incredible! Out of this world delicious! Mighty good for ya too! 🤔❓ Now I’m wanting them for sure! See; doesn’t take much to work up my appetite!

  58. I prayed for you this morning…..not that the right guy wouldn’t be good for you, but remember, he will not fulfill the desires of you heart the way Jesus does. This was my father’s favorite verse. Prove 3:3-4. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your way, acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight. You have found the best thing forever, a husband would be a nice compliment and I pray the Lord would answer that prayer, in his perfect timing.

    • Oh gosh thank you for your prayers. That truly means the world. I will have to look up that verse! Thank you for passing it along! You’re right about that – His timing is perfect! Hugs and love xox

  59. From Isaiah 64 (The Message):”Since before time began no one has ever imagined, no ear heard, no eye seen, a God like you who works for those who wait for him.” You are waiting. God is working. I believe that and know you do, too! It’s just been a very long wait . . .

    • Thank you so much for passing that verse along! Amen – God is working – you’re right about that! Big hugs to you xox

  60. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this piece of your heart with us. It was really encouraging to read this and to have that “ah someone relates to the singleness struggle” moment. God has given you this amazing platform to share your heart and you do it so well. Praying that He brings your husband to you and in the waiting that He brings you supernatural peace. <3

    • Hi Rachel, thank you so much for your kind words and for you kind prayers. It truly means so much that. There is truth in that – He brings peace!!! big hugs to you xo

  61. Hello dear. First I want to thank you for liking my posts. It always makes me happy that someone appreciates my work. But I am wondering if you’ve ever thought about the Lord Jesus Christ and all that He has done for you. I am a former catholic. I went to catholic school and know all about the religion. However, it was empty and unfulfilling. I realized the catholic church was doing nothing for me. So I sought the Lord Jesus and He saved me, and He gave me the abundant life. I just want to pass that good news on to you, dear. Jesus died for you on the cross, taking upon Himself all your sins. He was buried, and rose again from the dead. The catholic mary has no power to save anyone. Only Jesus Christ can save your soul from an eternity in everlasting torments. I am here for you if you want to talk. In the meantime, I’d like you to see this page about being saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.

    • Hi friend – Yes, I think about it all the time. I thank Jesus every day for the incredible sacrifice He made on the Cross. hugs x

  62. such a powerful post! I, too, feel alone and have gotten myself in dumb relationships and have those gut punches too, Caralyn. Prayer and faith in our Lord that he’ll bring both of us our spouses!

    • Thank you so much David! Gut punches for sure. Thank you for your prayers. I will keep you in mine too 🙂 He’s got us in His hands! hugs xo

  63. Sounds a bit like, New York is full of horny men. 😂 A goal of dating is intimacy and, its nice. A goal of a relationship, is different but we still use the word intimacy. 🤔 I slept there with my military friend on the bench near this picture. I remembered waking up to the Statue of Liberty in the morning covered in gold. He died, in an operation a few months later. Post 9/11. So. The wild ones aren’t safe and the safe ones aren’t very wild. 😂 He left, Earth a newlywed. Another reason, I don’t venture into Manhattan.

    Apart from God, if the dating ethic is not your liking don’t compromise your morals.

    • haha oh gosh. And wow, thank you for sharing that with me. That is so sad. hugs x

      • Jack & Rose. 😂 There’s a lot of pressure, romantically. Also, to consider that your personal journey toward womanhood was not a straight line with your ED. To accept, that on top of virginity. Might be hard for some men. It’s not an excuse but culture reflects the pulic good. Is it good for women to be shuffled together and sifted out of every hookup bar in their city? No, but the alternative is the digital version in a dating app. You, have value. All your female readers have value. This, is not a beauty value as our culture promotes it is a uniqueness that only happens in a single instance. In, this one person. Unfortunate, that men leverage women to a basic need over a desire for a lifetime of love. What, would that look like, you know? A bar? A gathering of people that respected their uniqueness? I haven’t saw it. Being alone though, is better than losing yourself.

      • I think, that’s why I enjoyed my lunches with my ED friend in hospice. I knew what being alone, felt like. I had an interview with a Warren Buffet company today. The interviewer asked why I was fired from the other billionaire’s company. I said my ex-boss really liked my ex-wife and, fired me. 😂 If I had support, friends or whatever, sure it would be less rough. I also, wouldn’t have grown so much. That’s the give and take that these tiny rules, dating ethics offer. Play the game, you win. Don’t play, no one’s by you.

      • Are you sure it’s just virginity? I mean, that’s really neat. It’s just, like that though? They pressure, you say no and they bounce? I dated a woman, a whole year before I kissed her. I’m just, slow I guess. 😂 I was having fun hanging out. I just, didn’t want to do the other stuff. 😂

      • Haha yeah – there were probably other factors. Who the heck knows.

      • Maybe. You’re outer appearance, shows a level of sophistication. Which, is important you know. To, what you do. Love. I think I’ve been in love before. I go back and forth about it. Love. Feels like a beacon. I would drive ships in the fog and all those little lights at the city’s edges meant something to me. A hidden language, in plain sight. In Germany, they don’t say love at all. They have many meaningful words to be specific about their levels of affection. I worked hospice, because after the military I couldn’t feel things as much. A person, that’s dying kind of does what I was doing. 😂 So. We all kind of got along. I was sometimes their only friend left in this world. Yeah. So, there was no beacon when you’re dying. We just hope God, comes. We’d play simple games. It felt like love. Like, when you’re sick and can’t do stuff so you’re friends come over and the bed turns into a raft. A fort. A battle ensues. I don’t know, they helped me. So love is, simple and it lets go.

      • Love is simple. You’re right about that. It’s letting yourself get to that place that’s the difficult part

      • Ideally. It’s supposed to be perfect. I mean, I had a great time with perfect and successful women not too great of, a time. I held back, and they left. Women, do it too. I guess, it goes if I like you so much then that’s just supposed to happen? I just, never loved like that. I want, to feel like it’s, I don’t know. Enough. Maybe, I’m enough.

      • I was a limo driver for this rich web developer, he waited until marriage. So, we were on our way to their reception. I look behind me in the rear view and its empty. I thought I left them. A head pops up quickly and I just as quickly raise the divider. 😂😳 They were cute. I knew an engineer that waited they adopted an abandoned baby at the hospital. I think, they were enough too.

      • This is a Columbo moment. You’re a secret nerd. 😂😳 Maybe. You describe conflicts often from living within the culture but also from being a perpetual outsider. Like, nerds.

      • I hope you find your forever person. I don’t know, how you know. I think, that’s why I take so long myself.

      • We’ve never met though. 😂 Probably, for good reason. Just for the sake of not sounding like a Matt Foley or Stuart Smalley publicly. 😂 Positive psychology is a net return meaning, it requires a lot of coaxing to keep the fires lit. I think, you’re perfect for what you’re trying to accomplish. I’m, on the other hand a perfect Diogenes. Turning over the micro aggressions of our social behaviors. I feel like, our goals are similar in some parts try to keep the public, well.

      • It’s a cool name. I thought, some brand might have used it. 😂 See. You could ask me any popular music and I’d have the same reaction. Why wouldn’t I know that. 😂 Yeah, see. Right. Who’s Diogenes? 😁

      • I used to work in music. In that way, we’re similar. Covertly checking what’s hot. I walked away. Stopped, answering my phone. It’s like when your favorite restaurant gets bought by Cheesecake Factory, they decide to keep the name. Nothing, is the same inside. I’d be happy, doing regular job stuff. It’s, what I chose. Not to say, my way is awesome. It’s not, lots of hard work with little reward. Life, of the artist. 😂

      • That’s a great example. Although – to be fair the Cheesecake Factory has an amazing peanut butter ripple cheesecake

      • I have a great idea. If we go on the same day, just at different times. See. So. You went, now I have to go. Thanks.

      • I actually, met someone from Long Island today here. We had this great conversation for about an hour. We just met, and then we start talking about what we do. I had no idea, Long Island was fancy. 😂 I guess, she assumed only fancy people know certain stuff. 😂 Mistaken identities.

  64. First of all I want to say thank you. Thank you for writing a beautiful and raw blog. I do not think people realize that Christians are human. We have our moments of questions and doubt. Thank you for also talking about the growth, victories and disappointments in your life. You are a gift to the Kingdom of God. You deserve only the very best. We will not accept any person, place or thing that does not line up with God’s purposes and plans for our lives I am thankful for you and will cover you in prayer. I am honored to have a front row seat on your beautiful journey.

    • Hi Ada, thank you so much for taking the time to read it. You’re so right – the Christian walk is filled with a lot of ups and down. And gosh, I am so grateful for your prayers. Thank you my dear friend. It means the world. Big hugs. xox

  65. I’m sure you will be overjoyed when God gives you the man you deserve – because you deserve nothing less than the best. This post was beautiful … I can’t say I’ve ever been through the struggles you’ve had but somehow I related to your cry to God. I’ll be praying for you 🙂
    power to the local dreamer ||-//

    • Hi friend, thank you so much for your prayers. That seriously means so much. I’m glad this resonated with you. 🙂 Very grateful for your kindness! big hugs xo

  66. On the verge of tears reading this, how many times have I cried out my loneliness to God. I just want to encourage you with this verse John 5:17, “ My Father is always working and so am I.” He isn’t finished with you yet! Keep fighting the good fight. Stay strong.

    • Hi friend, Oh I’m so glad this resonated with you 🙂 Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. That verse is so powerful, and I’m grateful that you shared it with me! Big big hugs to you xox

  67. Well, I think your party of one is more like a party of thousands 🤔, quite a few folks in the same spot.

    Personally, I’m thinking the Lord already has that fella’ on hold for ya, just a hide a seek kinda thing until the Father says, “Hey here he is.”

    But God Bless and keep the faith.

    • Oh gosh, well, I’m glad that it resonated with people! 🙂 Thank you so much for this encouragement. You’re right — I can’t wait until I hear “Hey here he is!” hahaha Big big hugs to you xoxox

  68. Is there a chance that the “perfect man” may have a piece of Spinach stuck in his teeth? If a party of two were possible, you would be the better half of he group. Keep you Heart in the game.

  69. If any man ( and I use that word loosely) doesn’t respect your wishes to protect the most important gift you have then you don’t need that clown in your life. Feeling alone is a very natural thing and can come in many forms. The issue of sexual relations and how many churches handle them often is very sad. I can recall something that happened to me over 30 years ago. A young woman and I had intimate relations and we were both in our 20’s and it was consensual on both sides. It shouldn’t have happened but it did. When our pastor found out he called me into his office ripped at me for over an hour about it and said nothing to her. The biggest question church fail in dealing with is what are people to do when these very normal desires happen? Most just scold people not to do it. I am on the other end of the social spectrum. My wife is in very poor health and although we still have her I feel alone all the time and when I loose her then all bets are off. Good luck!

    • Thank you so much for this powerful perspective. You’re so right – don’t need that clown anyway! And thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear that your wife is going through a difficult health period. I will definitely be keeping her and you in my prayers. SEnding so much love and hugs xox

      • No problem. This thing with my wife’s health is that if people knew the whole story they would be stunned. It’s about the miracle. It’s not about the details. We pretty much know how this turns out. She gets to spend eternity in heaven and I get to clean up the carnage. I was looking at your post the other day about how to build a following and I found it interesting. Now for some of us older folks it seems like french but that’s ok. Being a caregiver is an interesting experience to say the least. As I have said to my closest friend the one thing I want to do before I leave this planet is to speak in public about what this journey with depression has been for the last 5 decades. Those lessons have helped me deal with my wife’s health issues. I have this standing offer to the mental health professionals that I am willing to talk about dealing with depression for the last 5 decades in public with one condition. I will talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. No takers yet!

      • And what comfort to know that we will all be reunited in Heaven with Jesus. And I think what you’re sharing is so important, and will make such a difference. I think a blog is a great outlet 🙂 hugs xox

      • I look forward to checking it out. Sharing your story always makes an impact!! Hugs and love xox

      • The first time I ever spoke in front of our church a Pastor friend of mine gave me this advice. Always remember that you have no idea as to what is going on in the lives of the people before you. Writing is the same way.

  70. Not too many words to share right now but compelled to send compassion your way…just to sit and listen, trusting that God has a perfect plan and the perfect one for you in His timing

    • Thank you so much Indra for your compassion and kindness. You’re so right — His timing is always best. Patience is the key. So glad you stopped by! big hugs to you xox