I’m sharing a different side of me in tonight’s post.
Life is a long and winding road, and we all can have down moments. And the reality is, I had one of those moments last week. Being single as a Christian in this hook-up culture is really stinkin’ hard. And I found myself caught up in that emotion one night last week, on a walk, conveniently with a journal in my backpack.
So tonight, I’m publishing the unedited entry from that very night. Which – yeah, is a bit bonkers. But I just wanted to share that, it’s okay to have moments of weakness. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to not be strong every now and then. We’re human.
And inviting the Lord into that hurting place, allows Him to work in only the ways that He can, as you will see through the resolution of my journal entry.
God shows up, as He always does.
So with that…I invite you into my heart…so that maybe…just maybe…next time you feel something similar, you won’t feel so alone, too.
Here we are tonight. I’m sitting on a bench overlooking the Statue of Liberty. There’s a warm breeze, the skyline is twinkling its warm amber glow, and I’m feeling completely alone.
It’s funny, you know, the way God allows things to happen, just so. I’m surrounded by canoodling couples, and I just took a walk, and on my route, I passed (coincidentally) the apartments of two men I’ve been romantic with in the last month. (Because, of course, they live on my walking route.)
And as I’m sitting here watching the boats pass, thinking about those gentlemen, what *just happens* to fall out of my journal? None other than concert ticket stubs, VIP wristbands and backstage passes, all from a whirlwind romantic relationship — with a rock star — from when I first moved to NY. I mean, wow. When was the last time I thought about him? Talk about a gut punch. It’s as though God is taking me by the hand and walking me through memories of love, while I’m sitting alone, in arguably the most romantic setting on the East Coast.
To say the fear of ending up alone is knocking at my door would be an understatement. Particularly because the last four attempts at relationships this year ended as soon as they learned of my virginity.
I trust You, Lord, but this is hard, and my hope is failing.
Something came over me to thumb through the rest of this journal. I haven’t written or looked at in ages. And in it I found desperate notes of fear and anguish, from a girl trapped in the throes of anorexia, crying out to God. I read back those words with a lump in my throat, remembering exactly where I was – as though it was just yesterday.
Entry after entry filled with words of a tortured my heart. One I remember so well, ever since that damn eating disorder had its way with me so long ago.
But reading it on the brink of tears, now, God is reminding me where I am right now, reading this in 2019: I made it through. God heard those cries of despair and He rescued me. He heard my cries and answered me. He saved me from that Hell, even when I was at the pit of rock bottom. *How then, can I doubt that He will hear my heart’s plea now?*
I am His daughter. He loves me as a Father and will provide. These fears, this loneliness and uncertainty – it is not unnoticed. It is not ignored. Someday, down the road I will read this back and recognize all that God provided, and how my God rescued me again.
But that doesn’t make it any easier, right now in this moment. It doesn’t ease the sting of tears as I feel alone, undesired and on the outside.
Lord, please bring into my life my husband. Reveal to me the plans You have for my life. You’ve brought me through so much already and for that I am so grateful. Please don’t abandon me now. I want nothing more than to love and be loved. You know that, Lord. It’s been my struggle my entire life. And I’m going to be really honest – it’s hard not to feel really angry at the path my life has taken. Those years stolen by the eating disorder. Years I can’t get back, but more disheartening than that is the lasting impact it’s had on my life from then on. The feelings of unworthiness. The way my heart’s flower has wilted, and how I’ve been terrified to love, feeling completely undeserving of it and inadequate. Why, Lord? Take this broken spirit and renew me, Lord. I lay it all in Your capable hands. I am Yours. I am searching. I am seeking. Perhaps all I need to do is turn my eyes to You? Perhaps in my striving for completeness and purpose, I’ve lost focus on You, and I’ve pushed You out of the equation. Help me fix that Lord. I love you.
“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5
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